Rosalind Wiseman's Blog, page 12
December 4, 2019
Standing Against Our Culture of Indignity
It feels like we keep going down and it won’t stop. People in positions of authority whose job it is to represent our citizenry and our values can’t be trusted to be ethical, compassionate and informed. We are living in a culture of indignity. We are consistently betrayed by our leaders.
Over the last few days, we have traveled around the country and been struck by how desperate people are to change this culture. In Dallas, we spoke to over 1,500 people at the Momentous Institute Changing the Odds’ Conference. In Chicago, to hundreds of Christian school administrators at the Council for Educational Standards and Accountability.
Over and over again we heard people saying we need to do something. People wanting to have hard conversations so we can begin to repair the damage we see in our communities–be it our national community or as local as our schools and families.
At Cultures of Dignity, we believe in speaking truth directly and listening respectfully and intently. We know that’s what people want.
So how do we do this? First, let’s say what is a waste of our time:
Complaining online
Changing the color/border of our social network profile pictures
Arguing with family and friends on social media over who is right and who is wrong
Giving up
We know many people are saying there is no point in coming forward. And while we are mortified that a woman’s experience with sexual assault seems to come as a shock to many of our national leaders and isn’t given the seriousness it deserves, we know that has been the reality for years. It was nauseatingly real to see Kavanaugh’s imperious rage at having his reputation questioned. He personified the narcissism and privilege that long ago infected people in positions of power.
With all respect to people who are frustrated and dispirited, it has never been easy to bring light to abuse. It has always been a fact that if you challenge people who have power for whatever reason, they will try to silence you, if not destroy you. People of color know this–it is and has been their lived experience every day for generations. What’s happening now has always happened, it just feels worse because people are speaking out more and still getting slammed for it.
We have a choice to make. How are we going to show up in these moments?
Accept that speaking truth to power is hard ongoing work that requires courage on your part.
Accept the fact that while people have the right to be treated with dignity, it has always been the case that there will be others who will try to take that dignity way.
Vow that you will affirm the dignity of the person who is coming forward with a story of abuse.
Affirming the dignity of this person doesn’t take away your responsibility towards the person he or she is accusing. We treat all people with dignity.
Look for ways to have meaningful uncomfortable conversations with others where you both can share.
Understand that people, especially, young people have questions and we have to create the culture where it’s ok to ask them.
When we do talk to our children, begin by asking them what they have learned about the world in the last few weeks. Listen and then tell them what you value.
We can’t wait for someone else to do the hard work of building common decency. No one else is coming to help us out of this. But we are more than up for the challenge. Let’s get to work.
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November 21, 2019
What to Say to Uncle Bob and Aunt Betty
How to talk to people we who offend us
We’re all getting ready for the holidays and we are hearing from many of you that you’re worried… worried about what to do if someone in your family says something so rude and offensive that you will be tempted to lash out. It’s understandable. What if Uncle Bob says something sexist in front of the kids? What if Aunt Betty says something so racist that we can’t believe we are related to her? What if our brother-in-law tells a racist, sexist, homophobic “joke” specifically to get a rise out of us?
Should we say something? Maybe it’s better to have that extra glass or two of wine and laugh the whole thing off. But if we don’t say anything, it feels like we are condoning their behavior or we aren’t strong enough to stand up to them. It feels like a battle that they’ve already won and we’ve lost.
Have we really decided that there’s no way to talk to people who offend us?
We have to reclaim the dignity of our conversations with each other. And by “we” I mean you and me. It’s not about winning and losing arguments. It’s about how we repair the relationships–in our families, friends, and communities.
But how?
First, we have to realize that no comment we post or argument we make with annotated resources will change anyone’s mind. Facts don’t matter. Relationships and how we talk to each other do. And no one, no matter what political views we hold, dies from being offended. But our humanity dies if we don’t have strong relationships with each other.
So when someone posts or says things that offend us it’s time to reach out to these people and say the following:
Uncle Bob, I am trying to understand where you’re coming from. You’re my family (or friend, or whatever this person might be) and that’s more important than our different views or anything either one of us posts on social media. I really want to know how you came to believe what you’re saying. It clearly means a lot to you so I want to know.
Our goal is to come across as interested, curious, and respectful–not necessarily of his opinions but of the life experiences that make him think this way.
So let’s embrace these Uncle Bob and Aunt Betty moments for what they are. A chance to repair relationships. A chance to have a great time during the holidays where we have meaningful moments with the people closest to us. A chance to remember that this time of year can be a time where we practice what we aspire to be.
This originally appeared in our newsletter Communiquette.
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November 7, 2019
Freedom Writers Podcast – Rosalind Wiseman: Mean Girls, Masterminds, and the Realities of Adolescence
Rosalind’s insights into the social systems of teenagers are relevant to parents and educators alike, and will leave you feeling enlightened and empowered to make a difference wherever you are serving.
Listen to the episode:
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November 6, 2019
Never Again… Again?
Never Again… Again?
By Macy Miller
“Never Again.” At least in my life, this phrase has not been uncommon to hear. Growing up in a Jewish family, I learned early on about what the Holocaust was, and what it meant for my ancestors then and what it means for me today. But in my world, the Holocaust was the only genocide I knew about.
But last November I went on the Anti-Defamation League’s National Youth Leadership Mission and met Eugenie, a Rwandan genocide survivor, who spoke to us about her experience. Somehow, even though I had taken AP World History I was never taught about the Rwandan genocide. I was so embarrassed and felt so uneducated. The Rwandan Genocide occurred in 1994, only 25 years ago. At the same time in United States, the cult-classic “Friends” aired for the first time. This was recent; it’s hardly even old enough event to be in history books.
Over the course of 100 days, one million people were killed.
Unlike the Holocaust, these were not systematic killings. These were individuals chopping up their neighbors with machetes. Listening to Eugenie’s story of survival widened my lens of what the term “genocide” meant. “Never Again” has been a phrase I heard frequently in school, at my dinner table, and at my synagogue, yet here I was hearing horrors that did happen again, and when they did, the world turned a blind eye. I was stunned. I was mortified. I was confused. After that day I was forever changed. I had a fire lit within me to fight the causes of these atrocities, and it was not going to flicker out. I decided to do something that would raise awareness and educate my peers on these lesser-known genocides; especially because our education system has come up short. I wanted my peers to have an experience like mine; an experience that would change their outlook on life and made them more aware of the events that have transpired and still do in our world.
I decided to plan an awareness event for my community.
I sent out emails, I met with representatives, and I reached out to victims and other possible people who could speak on this tough topic. It was a slow and long process, but even if only ten people showed up, that would be ten more people that were now more educated about the tragedies of our recent past. Ten more people that could use that newfound knowledge to educate others. Ten more people to notice the warning signs of genocide when they see them, ten more activists against genocide.
I didn’t expect to be able to find anyone from the Rwandan Genocide to speak at the event; there were so few survivors, so I was surprised when I found Chantal. It took months of back-and-forth communication with Coalition Against Global Genocide (CoAGG) directors, but I was eventually connected with Chantal and she agreed to speak at my event. I also had two other speakers the daughter of an Armenian genocide survivor and a woman who had been to Rwanda after the genocide seen the tragedy up close. The audience could really relate to this woman and what she experienced as an outsider looking in on such a horrific tragedy, instead of a survivor.
In the end, almost fifty people came to my event.
Unfortunately, the majority of the attendees were adults, which was slightly disappointing as my goal for this event was to educate teens, but it was still such a meaningful night to both me and my speakers. After the event, the Rwandan genocide survivor, Chantal, talked to my dad and told him how thankful she was for this event, as it gave her a platform to share her story, and sharing her story helps her to heal. It touched me to learn that she said this and that my event not only impacted audience members but the speakers as well.
I know that going to a genocide awareness event on a Thursday night may not sound like your idea of a good time, but the point of events like this isn’t to have a good time. It’s about educating yourself on the past so that you can be an advocate for “Never Again” to really mean never again. These are not easy stories to hear- they are truly heartbreaking. But if we don’t listen to the stories of survivors, who will be there to recognize those warning signs? People turning a blind eye or denying this history allows for these horrific events to happen over and over again. It is so important to acknowledge that these survivors exist. Silence perpetuates violence. Our generation holds the world in our hands and we need to be responsible with what we do with it. We must take responsibility for educating ourselves, because if not us, who? And if not now, when? Because it’s happening right now in Syria, in China with the Uigers, and it needs to be acknowledged and stopped.
RESOURCES
If you are interested in learning more about genocide:
A Problem from Hell by Samantha Power
Ordinary Men: Reserve Police Battalion 101 and the Final Solution in Poland by Christopher R. Browning
The United States Holocaust Memorial Museum
If you are curious on how to talk about genocide:
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They Said What! Are we venting or talking behind someone’s back?
Are we venting or talking behind someone’s back?
All of these things are true: We want to be in better relationship with one another. Many of us feel lonely or disconnected from each other. And we live in a culture where gossip and cutting each other down is often used as entertainment or a way to feel better about ourselves.
We see it in our own relationships. Ever called up a friend or someone in your family to “vent” about someone else, but what you’re really doing is joining forces to complain about them or cut them down?
No wonder so many of us struggle to trust our relationships with each other or to feel safe and secure.
There’s a small act we can all do to make us act and feel better: knowing the difference between talking behind someone’s back and venting. And then holding ourselves accountable to make sure our actions reflect our values.
Venting is processing your feelings with someone so we can think about a situation more clearly. Talking behind someone’s back is trying to undermine the reputation of someone else and take away their dignity. Big difference.
The next time someone shares something embarrassing or hurtful about someone else, instead of joining in or even being silent, we can say “That must be really hard for them. What can we do to support them?” In one moment, we can transform the situation from dehumanizing and demeaning someone else to one where we restore everyone’s dignity; the person being talked about, the person you are speaking with, and yourself.
This originally appeared in our newsletter Communiquette.
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November 4, 2019
Zen Parenting Podcast: Rosalind Wiseman on Building A Culture of Dignity
Listen to their conversation:
https://culturesofdignity.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/517.m4a
“We have so many alarm bells that our boys are suffering. Meanwhile, we keep saying ‘no, they are way easier than girls because they can let it go.'” They aren’t letting it go, they are just silent. – Rosalind Wiseman
Time Stamps
7:03 Mean Girls & Queen Bees & Wannabees
11:15 Hollywood high school vs real high school
11:50 Euphoria
16:42 Masterminds & Wingmen
20:29 Are girls meaner?
24:21 Boys group chats
32:00 The problem with respect
38:34 Parents gossip
40:36 Sex ed
43:12 Dignity vs respect
55:00 Teasing
57:00 Popularity
1:01:00 Getting your kids to talk to you
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October 22, 2019
Meet Lilly! Interview With Cultures of Dignity Intern
Meet Cultures of Dignity’s newest intern!
Cultures of Dignity: Tell us a little bit about yourself!
Lilly: I am currently a highschool senior at Louisville Collegiate school. I play soccer and tennis, I’m a Senior Editor for the school newspaper, President of Collegiate’s Gay Straight Alliance, and President of the drama club. Apart from being very involved in my school, I like to listen to music and spend time with friends!
Cultures of Dignity: Why are you working with Cultures of Dignity?
This fall I chose to work with Cultures of Dignity because I want to help students feel encouraged to be more comfortable with their own identities and help provide safe places for conversation. I hope to help others feel more comfortable with themselves and their relationships through my work with Cultures of Dignity.
Cultures of Dignity: If you could have any superpower what would it be?
If I could have any superpower, it would be to freeze time. Sometimes I get frustrated and worked up about things that really don’t deserve so much of my emotional attention. I wish I could freeze time to help myself cool down and see situations for what they truly are.
Cultures of Dignity: What projects will you be working on with Cultures of Dignity?
I will be helping to create Owning Up student to student lesson plans to help encourage healthy discussions between high school and middle school students.
Cultures of Dignity: What is an issue you see in schools you want to fix?
One issue that I see in schools and want to help fix through my work with Cultures of Dignity is the lack of healthy communication between teachers and students. Many times, I hear my friends complain about teachers and grades, but they rarely go to talk to the teacher to voice their frustrations. I want students to feel that they can effectively communicate with the influential adults in their lives to voice their opinions.
Learn about how we work with young people:
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Meet Ramiz! Interview With Cultures of Dignity Intern
Meet Cultures of Dignity’s newest intern!
Cultures of Dignity: Why are you working with Cultures of Dignity?
Ramiz: I want to be able to help facilitate conversation between youth to benefit their understanding of themselves and the world around them.
Cultures of Dignity: If you could have any superpower what would it be?
As a runner, it would be very helpful if I had super speed. Although, I’m not sure if I would be allowed to race if my power were to be discovered. Maybe I’d lose on purpose like Dash from The Incredibles.
Cultures of Dignity: What projects will you be working on with Cultures of Dignity?
I’ll be helping create Owning Up to Student to Student Lessons, a project which consists of opening up discussion between younger kids and teenagers about different aspects of their life in order to provide new perspectives and understanding of the things around them.
Cultures of Dignity: What is an issue you see in schools you want to fix?
An issue I’d love to see fixed would be the lack of ways for students to communicate with teachers about something they would like to change, don’t understand or they think is unfair. There should be more defined ways of students being able to talk with their teachers in a way that is deemed respectful by the teachers themselves.
Learn about how we work with young people:
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‘I am asking you to help hold adults accountable,’ Rosalind Wiseman writes to students as the private school she attended acknowledges a troubled past
The post Meet Ramiz! Interview With Cultures of Dignity Intern appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
October 14, 2019
‘I am asking you to help hold adults accountable,’ Rosalind Wiseman writes to students as the private school she attended acknowledges a troubled past
‘I am asking you to help hold adults accountable,’ Rosalind Wiseman writes to students as the private school she attended acknowledges a troubled past
Rosalind Wiseman is a parenting educator and best-selling author of books including “ Queen Bees and Wannabes ,” a look at high school social cliques that became the basis for the Tina Fey-written movie “Mean Girls.”
She is the creator of the Owning Up Curriculum , a program that teaches children and adults to take responsibility for unethical behavior whether they are bystanders, perpetrators or victims. She also runs an organization she founded called Cultures of Dignity , which works with communities to direct conversations about the physical and emotional well-being of young people.
And Wiseman is a graduate of the elite private Maret School in Washington, which last month released the results of an investigation that said at least four faculty members working at the school between 1975 and 2008 are suspected of sexually abusing students.
A Washington Post report said:
The probe began after an alumnus contacted school leaders to report a past incident of sexual abuse by a faculty member. Through an attorney, the alumnus said the school did not thoroughly investigate the abuse when it happened and suggested that Maret conduct a comprehensive review, according to the report.
The investigation was conducted by the law firm Crowell & Moring, which released a 60-page report late Thursday. The review spans more than three decades and details allegations against eight faculty members. Allegations against four of the teachers met a “sufficiently high standard of credibility and severity,” the report said. Investigators found allegations against the remaining four faculty members “credible,” but they could not substantiate them or the accusations were not severe enough.
The reported allegations include sexual intercourse, inappropriate touching with students and grooming vulnerable children for sex. Many of the teachers are suspected of having multiple victims. None of the teachers has been employed by Maret in the past decade. At least one has died and another works for a suburban Virginia district [but has been placed on leave].
“The findings of the independent investigation are sobering,” Marjo Talbott, Maret’s head of school, wrote in a statement. “There is a trust that exists between family and school that was betrayed by these former faculty members. We deeply apologize for the impact these transgressions have had on the lives of those affected.”
Wiseman wrote an open letter to Maret’s students about the school’s past culture and how she believes they can help Maret move forward.
Here is Rosalind Wiseman’s letter to Maret students:
To the 2019-2020 Maret Student Body:
I am a 1987 graduate of Maret who has dedicated her life to giving young people a platform to speak their truth, share their experiences, and be taken seriously. I have often wondered how I would react when the school admitted its history of sexual abuse of students. With the recent publication of Crowell & Moring LLP’s report on its investigation of Maret, what many within our community have known for years is now public.
Why am I reaching out to you when Maret has assured you that this is a problem limited to the school’s past? Because Maret is going through a long-overdue process of institutional atonement. Because Maret teaches that history matters; that you can only build a better future if you understand how you got to where you are. Because there are things you can do now to make sure that your voice is heard as Maret strives to be the educational institution it wants to be and that you deserve.
Maret is your school now and it is different from when I attended. You have many reasons to be proud of it, and your daily contributions make it even better. As an alum, I am proud of the changes Maret has made and its commitment to anti-bias and discrimination programs.
I am reaching out to you because some of the victims were my classmates and friends. What happened to them at Maret was part of my “normal” experience going to school. It was also part of my normal experience at school to hear rumors about other inappropriate interactions between students and teachers. As strange as it seems now, I never thought I could do anything to stop it. As the investigative report describes, there were no reporting procedures, no education for students or teachers, and no systems of accountability. When students did report the abuse, Maret’s leadership dismissed and silenced them; and in some cases their parents as well. So my friends and I muddled our way through, carrying the trauma with us until the present day.
I also want to share with you what it is like for many of us who grew up in the D.C. private school community in the 1980’s. As was the case when I attended Maret, I am guessing you have friends and siblings at other private schools. For those of us who went to these schools when this abuse was more frequent and went unpunished, we have a common bond. We have been talking to each other for years about when each of our schools would come forward about the abuse. As other schools did, many of us from Maret wondered when it would be our turn. In 2017, our head of school, Marjo Talbott, wrote a letter to the Maret community about students and sexual abuse that referenced the #MeToo movement and other schools “confronting the past.” However, her letter did not acknowledge that Maret knew it needed to confront its past as well. The school sent other letters to the Maret community but each was disappointing; especially the ones sent on October 2018, a few days after the Blasey-Ford/Kavanaugh hearing as an apparent motivation. I wanted Maret to come forward, owning its past, without distraction or excuse.
By saying this, I am not discounting the profoundly positive impact Maret has made on my life.
I became life-long friends with fellow students whom I have relied on to help me through difficult challenges (for example, writing this to you). I was taught by talented, passionate, and ethical teachers whom I cherished. And yet, for decades, I have struggled to reconcile how the same insitution that gave me no words or suport to process what I was experiencing also provided me an education to challenge in the larger world the same systemic inequalities and power structures that made the abuse at Maret possible.
You may ask why I didn’t come forward as an adult, especially given my professional expertise. Many years ago, I briefly worked at Maret on what is now called Social Emotional Learning. While I was there, I talked to two Maret administrators and was assured that the school was taking care of “the problem.” It was a very painful moment because I knew that the victims I was closest to were not ready to come forward. What I didn’t know at the time was that other victims already had. I spoke out but could only hope that Maret would take appropriate action.
As is often the case, I suspect that few will be satisfied with the report. Some will say “it was a long time ago, it’s not happening now, so let the school move forward by letting go of the past.” Some may get understandably defensive; especially if they have no personal experience with the abuse. Others will believe the report didn’t go far enough. This is what I know, having worked with many schools like Maret: Institutions are only as good as their ability to rigorously and courageously examine themselves. It is the only way that they can hope to live by their stated mission of excellence and integrity.
The last thing I want to share with you is about what is happening now: Like many schools following this kind of revelation, Maret has assured its current parents and student body that they have no reason to believe that abuse of any kind is is occuring at the school. I believe Maret is working hard to improve its systems of reporting and accountability, but how does Maret know they have created a school climate where all students believe school leaders will hold other adults or students, especially those with power, accountable? Are you, the students, an integral and respected voice they are listening to through this process?
Moreover, while schools throughout the country have improved their reporting systems, abuse against young people is still happening. Believe me, we have a long way to go to assure young people’s safety from abuse in schools. Background checks and sharing information about abusers still aren’t happening the way they should; especially in popular auxiliary programs like travel sports or other extra-curricular activities.
I am asking you to help hold adults accountable. For example, demand that your travel teams and other “coaches” have criminal and general background checks as a requirement for working with you. Ask your parents to demand that the teams and programs you are involved in have systems in place to safeguard your safety. Remind your parents that no promise of a college scholarship or entry into an elite university is worth being taught by adults who are bullies or abusive. And if you have a teacher or coach who is bullying you, demeaning you, not respecting your personal boundaries, manipulating you, or you just have that feeling in your stomach that something isn’t right, tell an adult who you believe is capable to help you think through the problem and advocate on your behalf.
You, the students, are the subject-matter experts of Maret. Therefore, you must have a seat at the table to make decisions about Maret’s culture and climate. Just like any young person in this country, you know if your school supports students to report an abuse of power, whatever its form. If it doesn’t do it well, use your education now to advocate for real change. Of course you are not alone. You have teachers and people in positions of leadership who are committed to doing right by you. And whatever you think about the report or what I have written today, remember that there are adults in your community who came forward wanting nothing more than wanting support for survivors and helping Maret be better for you and the generation of students that will follow.
Sincerely,
Rosalind Wiseman
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October 9, 2019
How To Be As Courageous As Our Young People
Supporting young people’s activism
On Friday, September 20th over 2 million young people around the world marched out of their schools demanding action on our environmental crisis. Over the next week, over 7 million people took action from Brazil to New Zealand, to New York City, making it one of the largest coordinated global protests in history.
At Cultures of Dignity, we watched millions of young people speak out to demand dignity for all: their future, their political voice, and the earth. We have listened to young people’s overwhelming concerns for our planet and their frustration that adults are not taking responsibility and leadership as they should.
We deeply respect their passion, commitment, advocacy, and ability to unite around a common cause and we want to shine the light on our civic leaders who are acknowledging young people’s voice. Our Cultures of Dignity editorial advisors shared inspiring stories of adults supporting young people’s efforts like Pittsburgh Mayor Bill Peduto, offering to co-sign school absence permission slips for students who attended the climate rally.
Meanwhile, we have watched in disbelief as some adults responded by dismissing, mocking, or propagating despicable false information about them. Young people must get our support against those adults who actively undermine their right to speak out. President Trump even patronized 16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg by sarcastically calling her “very happy young girl looking forward to a bright and wonderful future.” in a tweet. What we are seeing is adults who think it is acceptable to verbally attack and laugh at children who are trying to address the wrongs they see in the world
Climate Strike in Dhaka, Bangaldesh VIA ALLISON JOYCE/GETTY IMAGES
While much of the attacks are focused on Greta Thunberg, she is hardly the only young person who is working to address climate issues. Are we really going to allow other adults to attack young people who are advocating for a better future?
Think of the irony: adults are lashing out at young people who are demonstrating initiative, responsibility, and leadership. Why? The answer is clear: because as long as adults can continue to dismiss young people with the stereotypes usually associated with them, laziness, superficiality, and self-orientation, they don’t have to take young people seriously.
We have to speak out. We can’t allow young people to bear the weight of the world they are inheriting from us. We can not tolerate adults dismissing young people or demeaning their passion, their anger, or their advocacy.
What can you do?
The next time you talk to a young person, ask them their thoughts on the youth activism happening. Ask them what they care about. And then listen and be prepared to be changed by what you hear.
If you talk to a young person who is frustrated with adults, you can say, “You’re right and I’m sorry. I acknowledge the legacy of generations of adults not taking responsibility to address problems as we should.”
If you are a parent, advocate and support schools to create spaces where adults are listening to young people on the issues young people identify as being important to them. And if you go to a forum like this and an adult attempts to dominate the conversation, say, “What you’re saying is important but we are here to listen to young people and respect the information they are sharing with us.”
Show up in the streets with young people
We have to acknowledge the challenges and move to face them. We must actively, directly, address the environmental crisis’ multi-faceted challenges. Even if you would never mock a young person’s passion to change the world, know that there are other adults who do. Our job is to look for opportunities to support young people’s advocacy so the world takes them seriously.
This originally appeared in our newsletter Communiquette.
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