Rosalind Wiseman's Blog, page 14

Meet Nikki! Interview with Cultures of Dignity Intern

Nikki is studying psychology and statistics at Grinnell College. She will be helping out with research, social media, and blogging.

Meet Cultures of Dignity’s newest intern!

Cultures of Dignity: Tell us a little about yourself!

Nikki: I was born in the Chicago suburbs, but I grew up in Longmont, Colorado. I’m a rising sophomore at Grinnell College studying psychology and statistics. I hope to pursue research on mental well-being, social and emotional learning, and neurocognitive development. In my spare time, I enjoy kayaking, swimming, and exploring colorful Colorado.

Cultures of Dignity: Why are you working with Cultures of Dignity this summer?

Nikki: I am working with Cultures of Dignity because I was fortunate enough to have a strong support system when I was navigating the trials and tribulations of young adulthood, so I feel it is my duty to give back to the current young adults and help to enhance their formative years as much as I can.

Cultures of Dignity: If you could have any superpower what would it be?

Nikki: As a psychology major, I seek to understand how and why people think, so if I could read minds, my job as a psychologist would be quite a bit easier!

Cultures of Dignity: What projects will you be working on with CoD?

Nikki: I will be examining the well-being of youth in schools through a research project in the realm of social psychology, in addition to helping with social media analytics and blogging.

Cultures of Dignity: What is an issue you see in schools you want to fix?

Nikki: Young adults are often quick to judge their peers and label them (as either nerdy, weird, cool, etc.) I have seen the damaging power of these labels on the mental health of young adults and I would like to see a change in the way youth behavior is evaluated and stigmatized by other youth.   

 

Learn about how we work with young people:

STUDENT VOICE

 

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“Are You Ok?” How to help the people we care about


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The post Meet Nikki! Interview with Cultures of Dignity Intern appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.

“Are You Ok?” How to help the people we care about

Are You Ok?
How to help the people we care about

For a lot of reasons, many of us are feeling anxious about so much in our lives. And many of us care about people who are stressed and depressed. It’s understandable; the problems we see around us every day can be overwhelming and we can easily find ourselves not knowing what to say to someone we are worried about. At Cultures of Dignity, our intern Asher Edelman recently wrote a white paper on the stigma of mental health. We believe what he found was important to share.

According to the American Psychological Association’s 2018 report on Stress, Gen Z  (people age 21 and under) are suffering from anxiety on the following topics:

75% of Gen Z is stressed by mass shootings
62% of Gen Z is stressed by the rise in suicide rates
58% of Gen Z is stressed by climate change/global warming
57% of Gen Z is stressed by separation/deportation of immigrant/migrant families
53% of Gen Z is stressed by widespread sexual harassment and assault reports
35% of Gen Z is stressed by bullying/interpersonal conflict
33% of Gen Z is stressed by personal debt
21% of Gen Z is stressed by substance abuse in their family

Feeling stressed about these things makes sense. These are big problems. It’s OK to be worried – we are at Cultures of Dignity. But we can’t stop there. We need to support each other as we address these problems and take care of each other as we do it.

Stigma is a major barrier standing between acknowledgment and support. We often don’t give the support we want because our fear of making mistakes or assumptions silences us. We can’t stand by and say nothing. People we care about are hurting. The stakes are too high. So how can we reach out in a way that helps?

Removing the stigma of anxiety, depression and other mental health issues is critical for our collective and individual emotional well-being.

Here are some ideas to remember:

People want to be seen for who they are and their experiences. We can have opinions but judgments are usually not welcome.

When people are upset, they may not want advice right away. Often they just want to vent. So if you’re someone who likes to do lists and getting things done, be careful you don’t go into well-meaning fix it mode.

There’s no shame in recognizing that some problems are too big to handle on our own.

Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.

And here’s what we can say to each other if we are worried:

I could be wrong, but are you ok? I just wanted to check in on how you’re doing.

You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to but I am here to listen if you want.

There’s nothing wrong with needing help sometimes. We all need support sometimes.

Is there anything I can do to help?

If they share painful feelings or experiences with you, acknowledge them and thank them for the trust they are placing in you.

Remember, dignity is seeing someone’s worth. When we see people struggling we are treating them with dignity when we acknowledge their experience and reach out to them. Recognizing the dignity in each of us is the key to believing it’s possible to solve these problems and be the comfort we all need in each other.

We need to educate ourselves and others, learn how to effectively support others without letting stigma hinder us, and to treat others with dignity, no matter the state of their mental health. – Asher Edelman, 17

Resources
Hotlines & Text Lines


Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Crisis Text Line
Domestic Violence Hotline
National Network for Immigration and Refugee Rights Hotlines
Trevor Project – LGBTQ Youth Hotline 
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Hotlines

Apps & Websites

Headspace
Calm
My 3
Talkspace

Please share with us any additional resources you like!

This originally appeared in our newsletter Communiquette. 

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When the Aggressor and the Target are the Same Person

When the Aggressor and the Target are the Same Person
By Rosalind Wiseman

 

Recently, after a teacher training at a local elementary school, the principal asked my colleague and I to meet with the administrative team to help them handle a conflict between a group of 6th grade boys. It immediately brought to my mind how complex a principal’s job is when they make decisions around responding to a bullying incident. I’d like to share what happened and what we advised. It taught me an important lesson about how bullying situations can be very complex, especially when the outcome demands both increased understanding and accountability.

The overview

Unbeknownst to the adults in the school, for two weeks prior to the incident, a group of four boys had been taunting and harassing another boy. The administration found out about it only when a fight between the boys erupted during recess the day before we arrived.

As is common in today’s schools, cameras recorded the fight on the playground. The footage showed one boy hitting and pushing four other boys, then running away, and coming back to push and hit them again. Based on the film alone, it looks like the boy was the aggressor and the group of four were the targets.

But of course, the situation was more complicated, as it always is. The camera doesn’t show context leading up to the fight. The four boys had been harassing the other boy, “Daniel,” in retaliation for what they perceived as Daniel’s mean behavior towards one of the boys in the group. From their perspective they were not bullying Daniel; they were in the “right” because they were defending their friend during the build-up, and Daniel was the one who started the fight that was recorded by the camera.

This is a common dynamic in school; the “bullies” don’t perceive their behavior as bullying if they believe their behavior is justified.

In addition, the fight took place during recess, which is a school’s community square. That means it was a public event and most of the students, if not all, also did not know the context of the altercation. All they saw was one student continually going back to fight and naturally they’re going to talk about it with their peers. So the students’ perception of how the adults in leadership responded to the incident will affect the climate of the school.

How do we approach the incident?

The principal’s question was: How do I discipline the boys effectively? And how do I communicate with the rest of the school community so that our overall school climate is not negatively impacted?

Our response is grounded in the principles of restorative practices: to focus on accountability and make amends to the people harmed by the offense. It’s best to begin the process by defining what a successful outcome is for everyone involved. Once we define what success means for the boys, those goals can be integrated into the school’s formal disciplinary options.

For the single student “Daniel”:

Build a relationship with a counselor, administrator or other trusted adult in the school so he is heard, supported and able to handle conflicts more effectively in the future.
Going forward, identify a trusted adult so if the behavior continues or he feels overwhelmed emotionally for another reason, he will reach out for help before acting out.
Examine the conflict with him from the beginning (when the conflict started), to his perception of being bullied, to the end (the fight on the playground) to identify where he can take ownership of his behavior that made the conflict smaller or bigger.
Discuss with him if he would like to receive an apology and how he wants to respond or interact with the boys in the future
Discuss if he thinks there is anything he needs to apologize for in his interactions with the boy(s).
Have a “script” (which an adult can help construct) in place for him to respond when other students ask him what happened and how he is being disciplined so he is truthful and feels in control of the conversation.
Create a strategy where he feels proud of how he handled the situation in the aftermath of the fight.

For the group of boys:

Through this process build a relationship with a counselor, administrator or other trusted adult in the school and teaches them how to handle conflicts more effectively.
Help them understand that the manner in which they defended their friend made the problem bigger and came across as using their power to bully Daniel
Define the difference between intention and impact. The boys’ intention was to defend their friend. They didn’t realize the impact of their behavior and how threatened Daniel felt. That fact doesn’t excuse their actions, but it gives them a way to understand how they come across to others and where they made a mistake.
Make amends by articulating individual apologies.
Have a “script” (which an adult can help construct) in place for him to respond when other students ask him what happened and how he is being disciplined so he is truthful and feels in control of the conversation.
Create a strategy where the boys feel proud of themselves for holding themselves accountable and contributing to repairing the school’s culture.

For the student body:

When students’ bullying and conflict become public, the school leadership’s responsibility is to take the time to understand every person’s role in the situation and then respond fairly and respecting students’ privacy.
While the school administrators can’t talk about how they disciplined individual students, if a student has questions about something they heard related to the incident, they can ask the Assistant Principal, Principal, or counselor how the school generally handles students fighting in school.
Remind the student that for better or worse “Stories stay, lessons leave.” Everyone learns from these experiences and the adults’ responsibility is to do their best to make the lessons positive for everyone.

Supporting the group of boys:

In these situations, student meetings have two goals: teaching young people how to take responsibility for their actions and modeling the school’s values in action. In preparation for the meeting, send the boys home with the following questions in writing, or if you have the time they can answer the questions at school. Make sure to put them in separate spaces so they can self-reflect on their behavior, not engage in group-think about how “stupid” these questions are.

When did the interaction and conflict begin with Daniel? Begin from the first time you can remember or any incident that increased the conflict.
Before the fight, what was your goal when you all decided to confront him at the same time?
Even if you think you didn’t do anything wrong, how do you think your actions could have looked to Daniel leading up to the fight?
What can the adults at school do to help you feel more supported?
We have a problem that we need to work together to fix. What actions can you take to make this situation better?

When they have their responses, have an adult facilitate a discussion with the group. Each student should take turns reading their answers aloud and then have the opportunity to respond to each others’ answers.

If they choose to apologize or have not already done so, give them five minutes to write an apology to whoever they think they should apologize to, and then have them read those apologies out loud to each other as well.

The last thing the group needs to do is come up with a plan if other students ask them what happened or if they got in trouble. This is a critical last piece of the strategy because it can be so tempting for students to join in to the rumor spreading or coming across to the other students that they don’t take the disciplinary process seriously.

Supporting Daniel:

The art of the discipline is to hold people accountable for their actions, while understanding the context of their reactions. These kinds of fights don’t just come out of nowhere. It’s important to acknowledge that Daniel must have had an understandable reason to get this upset.

What happened between you and the group of boys prior to the fight?
Even if you think you didn’t do anything wrong, is there anything you can reflect back on that contributed to the conflict?
What can the adults at school do to help you feel more supported?
What do you want your parents to know about this situation?
If you received sincere apologies from the other boys, would you be interested in hearing or reading them?

For all the boys there should be guidelines about receiving apologies. If a person receives an apology they should say “Thank you” instead of “That’s ok” or “Don’t worry about it.”  Beyond that people don’t have to accept apologies until they’re ready. On the other hand, it is important for all the boys to know it’s never too late to apologize. You can always go back the next day, a week or a month later and tell the person that you’re sorry. Receiving forgiveness is important but more than that is doing your best to make amends.

At this writing, the school decided that meeting with the boys, doing role plays with the counselors and writing apologies was a better course of action rather than in-school suspension and detention. As is typical, some of the boys were better than others at making amends and forgiving each other. But expecting a clean, perfect ending where the boys get along instantly isn’t the goal nor is it realistic. Truly trusting each other doesn’t happen overnight or with one apology and one meeting at school. But if the boys’ future actions reflect their words, they will learn through this experience that the adults helped them to make a bad situation better, they will be clear about what is expected of them and they will have the foundation to repair their relationships.

This article originally appeared on  Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations on ADL.



















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The Peccant Dandelion

I am Siane François, a 17 year old girl in the Phoenix Valley. I’m a biracial member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the daughter of two immigrants, and I enroll myself in all AP and honors classes. As a race, humans are better together, every race, gender, sexuality, ability, religion, economic background, and so on. It is time to realize we have so much more in common than what separates us, and that we begin to work together to allow everyone to enjoy the best opportunities in life. I’ve made it my personal mission to pursue the continuum of equity and I hope that this poem will resonate with you and show you why.

The Peccant Dandelion
By Siane François

 

I live in a field of flowers, nestled between a rose and a lily

I’m the small dandelion who know she’s quite pretty

The rose is so nice and the lily is so fun

And we all dance together in our pursuit of the sun

And we all live happily, right here in our field

Growing flowers and seeds to one day yield

We live equally and we all try to grow

For our sunny days are all that we know

And when the sun sets and the stars grow bright

We laugh and make memories all through the night

Life is sweet for a new sapling like me

And I’m just so grateful to live with all my friends so carefree

But this night is different, although I don’t know it

Someone has come to disrupt our happy moments

And as I ponder the stars in the sky

For last innocent night in my young life

I know my worth, and I know that I am strong

For I managed to grow about the big, beautiful flowers that I am among

We are all similar, though different in looks

We all are here to bring about beauty in our nooks

We each had to grow, and for each it was hard

And each suffered varying trials that worked to mar

But alas, for one last, still night

We are flowers pondering the stars that shine bright

As the sun rises, a red light stretches over the field

And we become aware of a man that the night concealed

We bloom extra big to show off the fruits of our labor

And wait excitedly for the reaction of our new neighbor

The man stretches, rising slowly; we all hold our breath, blooming wholly

The man strides along our rows of flowers

His gaze seems to stretch upon us for hours

Then finally he speaks, surveying us and our reeds

“This field is beautiful, except for the weeds”

A weed! What’s a weed?! Why did he say it so mean?

Does he mean that some of us are worth less than we seem?

No, that cannot be right, we are all worth the same

And then the wretched man bends down and begins to maim

He pulls at the shepherd’s purse, tears at the crabgrass

And all flowers scream as he exacts death on the mass

He rips out the lamb quarters and snatches a morning glory

Then he plucks a dandelion and I know that he is coming for me

This is so wrong, it hurts so much

He is tearing through us as though it’s a grudge

He passes the lilies, the peonies, the roses

And continues to kill us, however he supposes

He wrenches some purslane and I don’t understand

Why he continues to rip precious life from the land

What is a weed and why is it bad

Why am I targeted for the petals I have

When he pulls the dandelions, he never blows their seeds

So he kills all that life and won’t appreciate our breed

The man trudges closer, and I’m scared that I might

Die At the hand of some man who has come to judge my plight

This man does not know all that I have done to live

He has no right to take away what I give

My bright yellow petals are my contribution

Why does he seem to deem them pollution

I worked hard to grow, and that is my right

Why is it that the roses do not share the same plight

All the flowers cry and scream at murders being committed at our scene

He grows ever closer, and my fear starts to evolve

Into anger at the man for his destruction resolve

We all have the same right to our lives

We all worked hard for our right to survive

Why did this man get to exert his opinion

Upon us nice plants living in our dominion

Who was going to determine my life for me

Who could deny me the right of my liberty

This soil is mine and my roots are my own

The leaves and seeds I have grown are my own

I have made my mark here upon this dirt spot in the land

And I was going to bloom bright right here where I can

No one can take my right to live

And no one can give to this world what I give

I am unique, just one dandelion

But I have brought wonder like stars in Orion

But when I am plucked from the ground as a weed

And someone blows upon me and my seeds

And when the wind carries those seeds through the trees

I’ll be left knowing I have done right by my breed

And as I fall from the hands of a wisher, a stem of no use

And as my life drains for my grip upon it grows loose

I think of each seed carried in the breeze

And I can smile knowing they’ve been given the keys

To start a new life somewhere in the land

And bring about beauty and happiness wherever they land

For their worth, like my own, is for no one to determine

And their beauty will flourish, despite some developer’s chagrin

For who we are and what we give, is the reason we demand the right to live

We bring about beauty, unique and chaste, and that gift is not something we plan to waste

And so we will bloom wherever we can, and we’ll fight to rise up in the dirt of the land

For our beauty and right to live is our own, and no one can take it, wherever we’ve grown

In a field of flowers, each one works to bloom, and each has a struggle, trials that bring about gloom

But each plant grows right here in our field, and each has a story of how it got here

Some are big, some are small, some smell quite nice, and some not at all

But our field of flowers is a beauty to behold for all of the life it chooses to hold

And when someone comes to judge all our work, we’ll worry not, standing tall in the earth

Their voice doesn’t matter, their words have no effect

For whose choice is it that a rose has more worth than the small little dandelion here in the dirt

 

If you have any questions of thoughts for Siane, email curious@culturesofdignity.com

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Bring Dignity Into Your School And Transform Culture

Megan Saxelby teaches at Hawken School in Cleveland, OH. She thinks kids are rad, learning alongside them is a joy, and specializes in social emotional learning.

Below she discusses how dignity can transform the classroom, our community, and our relationships with young people around conflict, creativity, culture, and identity.

Bring Dignity Into Your School And Transform Culture
By Megan Saxelby

 

It still astounds me that I am a teacher. I hated school. I graduated high school with a 2.45 GPA. I would frequently call the front office from the bathroom pretending to be my Mom so I could leave.  At 15, I went out of my way to learn things about the woman who worked the front desk, Kathy, so I could sound convincing when I called to say that Megan would be leaving early for an orthodontist appointment, or doctor’s appointment, or family event.  I have multiple learning differences and school quickly became a place where I felt stupid and scared. Early on I made the decision that it was way better to be the class clown, the smart ass, or absent then it was to lean in to the vulnerability required to succeed in a place where I did not feel safe. Yet, here I am, in my 12th year teaching. Everyday, I feel a sense of urgency when it comes to understanding and prioritizing the emotional lives of young people because I carry my adolescence everywhere I go.

Dr. Laurence Steinberg’s excellent book on adolescent neuroscience, Age of Opportunity, offers insights about why I feel like I carry adolescent Megan around like a backpack full of swear words and side eye. It’s called the reminiscence bump. Research has shown that, “ events between the ages of ten and twenty-five are recalled more frequently than events from other periods” (19).  There are a few theories out there as to why, but I agree with Steinberg’s hypothesis that, “ brain regions responsible for strong emotions are especially sensitive during adolescence. As a result, the adolescent brain is chemically primed to encode memories more deeply. The bump doesn’t exist because more emotional events take place in adolescence, but because ordinary events trigger stronger emotions” (21).  

I know it is not just me. All of us carry memories from adolescence, and many seem to have nearly the same emotional charge they did when we were teens. And yet, many people agree to a dismissive cultural narrative that adolescence is just bad for everyone, something all young people have to suffer through until you “grow out of it”. How does our current idea of adolescence empower young people or validate their emotional realities? Steinberg offers a similar viewpoint when he shares:

“… most of our efforts to influence adolescent development are aimed at preventing or treating problems, rather than optimizing healthy development. Unlike zero to three, where our focus has been largely on encouraging positive growth and development through early interventions and education, our emphasis during adolescence has been almost entirely on preventing problems. We spend our time telling adolescents what they shouldn’t do, rather than guiding them toward what they should– and can– do” (205).

We have to put on a different set of lenses to view our students; lenses made of proactive strategies, critical empathy, and an intellectual framework to understand the power of human behavior. Understanding dignity has transformed my teaching, made my classrooms healthier, and brought more people on board to share my sense of urgency around the emotional lives of teens.

Dignity is a framework that forces a shift in our understanding of human behavior and relationships. A framework which radically shifts our interactions and our cultures. Frequently we think dignity and respect are the same thing, but they are fundamentally different. Dr. Donna Hicks, author of Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict, articulates the difference:

“Dignity is different from respect. Dignity is a birthright. We have little trouble seeing this when a child is born; there is no question about children’s value and worth. If only we could hold onto this truth about human beings as they grow into adults, if only we could continue to feel their value, then it would be so much easier to treat them well and keep them safe from harm. Treating others with dignity, then, becomes the baseline for our interactions. We must treat others as if they matter, as if they are worthy of care and attention…Others’ bad behavior doesn’t give us license to treat them badly in return. Their inherent value and worth needs to be honored no matter what they do. But we don’t have to respect them. They have to earn respect through their behavior and actions” (4-5).

The primary shift here is using dignity as the baseline for our interactions and the seemingly simple ask to treat others as if they matter.

Dignity will increase your community’s emotional intelligence.

Our emotions are not going away, they don’t just hang out and wait at home when we walk into our schools, they walk in with us. Sometimes they are hypervigilant and ready to rumble, sometimes they’re happy and calm, sometimes they’re a mix of both, sometimes they are straight up asleep. Schools need to be emotionally aware and agile because everything happening during the day is so uniquely human. Within any school on any given day here is what I find: People trying things, people avoiding things, people being scared of things, people being mad about things, people learning things, people managing relationships, people making things, people being REALLY vulnerable with varying degrees of success. In order for all this humanness to happen, and, dare I say flourish, we have to prioritize the emotional well being of all community members. If we (and I mean ALL- teachers-admin-parents-students) agree to try using dignity as our way of seeing ourselves and others, the emotional lives of others are always at the forefront. Dr. Hicks reinforces this need:

“What seems to be of the utmost importance to humans is how we feel about who we are. We long to look good in the eyes of others, to feel good about ourselves, to be worthy of others’ care and attention. We share a longing for dignity– the feeling of inherent value and worth… when a mutual sense of worth is recognized and honored in our relationships, we are connected. A mutual sense of worth also provides the safety necessary for both parties to extend themselves, making continued growth and development possible… We have an inborn desire to be treated well because we are psychologically programmed to believe that our lives are dependent on it. We cannot help but react to being mistreated… Research suggests that we are just as programmed to sense a threat to our dignity– to our sense of worth– as we are to a physical threat” (7).

If members do not feel they can bring their full selves into our space they will close off and disengage, especially our young people. Academic engagement, professional engagement, parent partnership, are all linked to perceived emotional safety. Dignity gives us a framework to think about ourselves and others, motivation to reflect, and a constant reminder that other people matter, an idea that should be the baseline we bring to all of our interactions.

Image via Nicole Honeywill, Unsplash

Dignity empowers communities by depersonalizing conflict

I really wish that someone had coached me on healthy ways to engage in conflict when I was younger. I imagine many people feel the same. Conflict is not fun, but does not have to feel horrific. Conflict is an essential element of a healthy community, but when we do not have skills to manage the myriad of emotions conflict brings up in ourselves or others, it is easy to want to hide from it. It feels easier to not mention that a situation made you feel uncomfortable, to not tell a teacher a comment they made in class hurt your feelings, to not tell a friend they crossed an important boundary, to deny that something has you feeling vulnerable. However, that desire to avoid creates toxicity that make our communities sick. We avoid conflict because we fear that our emotions will get the better of us, which is valid.

In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman describes the experience of being captured by your default reactions as being “emotionally hijacked.” We have all been there, when our emotions take over and it seems like we cannot stop ourselves from engaging in messy behavior, even though we don’t want to. Dignity provides a framework to better handle conflict in the moment, but also gives us a road map back if we do get hijacked and cross a line, a necessary tool. Understanding dignity allows us to name behavior and address actions that can be changed rather than attacking the character of the person in front of us. Having a shared vocabulary depersonalizes conflict and empowers communities.

Dignity increases creativity and innovation

Schools need to be full of collaboration, creative problem solving, critical thinking, and innovation. However, when we don’t invest in the people in our community, equipping members with tools to manage emotions and engage in healthy conflict, we are limiting our collective potential. Understanding the role emotion plays in your daily life, and having a framework to process interactions, empowers everyone to excel and creates space for innovation. Famous design thinking organization IDEO asserts the three pillars of design thinking are empathy, ideation, and experimentation. To engage in those three pillars, we have to create communities with emotional resilience that embrace productive discomfort.

We also, according to creativity researcher Jodi Ricci, have to re-examine what we mean when toss around the word empathy. The common understanding of empathy is to participate in someone else’s experiences or feelings by imagining what it would be like to be in their situation. We tend to assume the positive when it comes to empathy, right? Everyone should have it and we should all work towards it, that is the message that we give to our students. However, Dr. Hicks explores the connection between critical thinking and empathy when describing the role that mirror neurons play in empathetic thinking, “these neurons help us read the emotional experience of others. When someone else is feeling sad, these neurons automatically stimulate the same neurons in us, making us feel sad, too. It is a wonderful gift when these neurons enable us to feel compassion, to connect with others in primal empathy. But the neurons also have the power to incite in ourselves the anger, hatred, and negativity that someone else is feeling” (99).

Using dignity as a frame for our interactions helps others understand that empathy is not a passive act.  It is actively choosing to engage in critical thinking and forming habits that encourage us to think beyond our feelings to embrace the complexity involved in interacting and creating as a community.

Want to change your school culture tomorrow?

Google the 10 Elements of Dignity and start talking about them in your faculty meetings, parent partnership events, and with students. Order Donna’s book and read it with your school community. Go to Cultures of Dignity and look at their work and their excellent curriculum, Owning Up. Every day I wonder who my students will become, how they are feeling, what happened to them that day, and if they felt that they mattered. I think about my fellow teachers and wonder if they felt recognized and valued for the work they put in. I think a lot about my people and how we can change the world. We must disrupt the way we think about schools. We must break the old model that is built on ridiculously narrow routes to success that are based on a fictional, romanticised idea that does not build up their humanity and emotional acumen.

A freshman, Leo, recently wrote a paper on why he thinks the dignity model should be used in schools, “School feels painful for so many students because they do not feel valued.  Currently, many students feel as if their teachers are always criticizing them, or only care about them being smart or easy to teach. Young people are uniquely aware of hypocrisy in relationships, and if teachers do not treat students as if they matter, as if their emotions are valid, then students are less likely to engage in school.” Students, parents, teachers, administrators… everyone is less likely to engage if we do not feel like we matter. Make people feel like they matter. Build cultures of dignity.

For more information and some awesome resources check out:

Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict and Leading with Dignity by Donna Hicks Ph.D
Jodi Ricci and The SEED Framework for Cultivating Creativity 
Age of Opportunity by Laurence Steinberg
The End of Average and Dark Horse by Todd Rose
The Laboratory for the Science of the Individual
I have some work on my site: megansaxelby.com
Mike Wilper’s work, an educator highlighted in Leading with Dignity

If you have any questions for Megan, email curious@culturesofdignity.com

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Locks, Lights, Out of Sight

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Meet Asher! Interview with Cultures of Dignity Intern

Asher is a high school senior from Boulder, CO. He enjoys theater, listening to music, and backpacking.

Meet Cultures of Dignity’s newest intern!

Cultures of Dignity: Tell us a little about yourself!

Asher: I’m a high school senior at Dawson School. I’m originally from Washington D.C. but I’ve lived in Boulder for the past 12 years. I love theater, as it gives me an opportunity to explore different kinds of characters and personalities and act them out. I’ve been in at least one show every year for the past 5 years. I love listening to music and watching TV, which can keep me in my house a little too often, but I still love being in the outdoors, especially going backpacking. I’m going to Wesleyan University this fall and I’m undecided on my major, but interested in studying psychology.

Cultures of Dignity: Why are you working with Cultures of Dignity this summer?

Asher: Dawson has a project for seniors at the end of the year in order to graduate. All seniors must work 70 hours over two weeks in a field that they are passionate or interested in learning about. My goal is to be able to work in something in the therapy/counseling field once I graduate college, and I wanted a project that would allow me to actively participate in thinking about these topics, which brought me to Cultures of Dignity!

Cultures of Dignity: If you could have any superpower what would it be?

Asher: I would have the power of instant teleportation. There are few things I hate more than getting stuck in traffic, and teleportation would present a very easy solution to that problem. To be anywhere I wanted instantly would also really help in letting me sleep in as much as possible, as I wouldn’t have to worry about any commute to work or school.

Cultures of Dignity: What projects will you be working on with CoD?

Asher: I will be working on helping revise the Owning Up curriculum, shadowing the teaching of Owning Up at Casey Middle School, helping manage social media, and writing my own research paper on a topic of my personal choice.

Cultures of Dignity: What is an issue you see in schools you want to fix?

Asher: I really want to work on the stigma that sits around mental health issues in schools. People tend to have a basic understanding and knowledge of these issues, especially depression and anxiety, but it is still a very uncomfortable thing for many people to even just check in on a friend who may not be doing well. When things escalate to more serious issues, such as self-harming, suicidal thoughts, or panic attacks, more people tend to not know how to handle and treat these, or are so uncomfortable that they just avoid confronting these issues at all, be it personally or with a friend or acquaintance.

 

Learn about how we work with young people:

STUDENT VOICE

 

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Locks, Lights, Out of Sight

Photo courtesy of nbcmiami.com

Macy is a high-school student in Boulder who interns with Cultures of Dignity. She is very passionate about women’s rights, human rights, social justice, and gun control.

Locks, Lights, Out of Sight
By Macy Miller

 

“Locks, Lights, Out Of Sight.” In the current generation of elementary to college students, this phrase is anything but unknown. Lockdown drills have become as routine as fire drills, with assemblies specifically designated for learning protocol in the event of a dangerous situation. This should not be the reality. Students should be able to feel and be safe in their learning environments. They should be taught math and science, not taught how to hide if an active shooter is in the building. No 6-year-old should come home crying from school because they realized they can’t wear light-up sneakers anymore because, in the event of a school shooting, the flashing lights would give them away.

From January to October of 2018 alone, there were 17 school shootings, including the deadliest school shooting in America’s history in Parkland, Florida, during which 17 students and staff were killed, with 17 more severely injured. School shootings are a prevalent problem in today’s society, affecting not only students and faculty but the families of these students and faculty. School violence and school shootings are issues that affect everyone and need to be properly addressed in order to create and enforce meaningful and impactful reform.

Just a few weeks ago at my own school, and all of the other schools in the Metro Denver Area of Colorado were canceled for the day. Why? Because an 18-year-old girl flew all the way from Florida to Colorado on a one-way ticket and purchased a gun. This girl had publicly expressed her fascination with the Columbine school shooting of 1999. As soon as she landed in Colorado with essentially a national manhunt organized to find her, she was able to purchase a gun. No waiting period, and clearly, not a thorough background check, if any. The fact that an entire school district saw this threat and concluded that their best option to keep their students safe was to cancel school is an issue. The fact that this girl was able to purchase a gun while the FBI was trying to track her as a national threat is a problem- if background checks for gun-buyers are as strict as organizations like the NRA claim them to be, why was this so easy for this hardly-legal teenager?

When I saw the email about my school’s closure for the day and the reasons behind it, I honestly was not very surprised. It is definitely scary, of course, but not surprising. This is the world I have grown up in: a post-Columbine world. A world where, as each year goes to the next, more students die under gun violence in their own schools. So when I read the email about the closure I wasn’t particularly stunned, as awful as that sounds. This is the new normal.

Just a few days ago, I had many friends in south Denver who spent most of their school day on lock-down because there was an active shooter at the STEM School Highlands Ranch. One student died, and eight more were injured.

Students should feel safe in schools, not paranoid that they could go on lockdown at any moment and that even in that lockdown, they are equivalent to sitting ducks. We prepare and practice and prepare and practice again and again for active shooter situations because we have no other options- lawmakers refuse to turn their backs on the NRA and try and introduce and implement gun reform. When a lawmaker or person in a position of political power attempts to introduce these ideas to keep children safe, they are almost immediately pressured by the NRA to back down. These people prioritize having a gun over children’s lives. They prioritize their outdated 2nd Amendment Rights over a person’s right to live and feel safe in school.

Courtesy of March for Our Lives

Ever since the deadly school shooting at Columbine High School on April 20 of 1999, over 228,000 students have experienced gun violence at 234 schools.

 

At least 144 students and staff have been murdered, with 302 more injured. 234 school shootings total. This is only counting incidents that occurred during school hours. Let that sink in. The median age of these school shooters is 16 years old. These students are killed and injured by their own peers. Let that sink in. 16-year-olds killing other children. 16-year-olds with access to weapons that are intended for mass murder. 16-year-olds rampaging schools filled with innocent students while wielding assault rifles. Why do these teenagers even have the ability to obtain and use these kinds of weapons? Shouldn’t there be laws in place making it difficult for an angry 16-year-old to get their hands on an AR-15? In instances where it could be determined, over 85 percent of all school shooters obtained their weapons from friends or family, or just took them out of their own homes. There need to be more protections on who can access guns.

A 12-year-old girl with a semi-automatic handgun in her backpack in Los Angeles. Zero killed, five injured. A 17-year-old boy wielding both a shotgun and a revolver in Santa Fe, Texas. Ten dead, thirteen more injured. A 13-year-old boy with two handguns in Indiana. Zero dead, two wounded. A 15-year-old boy with a handgun in Kentucky. Two dead, eighteen wounded. The list goes on and on, and these examples are just four out of seventeen from 2018 alone.

A 6-year-old boy who killed a girl in his class after saying that he didn’t like her.

 

Everyone is affected by events such as this, and it really does change everything. For one thing, the relationships between teachers and students are forever altered: not only have they all been through such a terrible experience together but now the teachers have the thought in the back of their mind that one of the kids they’re teaching could turn around one day and kill them. Teachers and students alike suffer major PTSD from school shootings. The communities surrounding the area of a school shooting are forever scarred- people see shootings on the news, but they never think it will happen in their own town or city. These school shootings take away the sense of safety that a community once had. They take away its innocence. The media focuses on the city or town, maybe create a hashtag, but then a few weeks pass and the news moves on to something else, leaving a grieving community in its wake.

There are many things that need to happen in order for schools to be safe again. Different schools have all thought of their own reforms and ideas, but the results aren’t showing an impact. Forcing students to wear clear backpacks, implementing school-wide I.D. policies, even arming teachers with “buckets of rocks,” are a few of these ideas. Some people in the federal government have even suggested arming teachers with guns, even though two out of the seventeen school shootings from just 2018 were done by teachers. Trying to fix a gun problem with more guns doesn’t sound like an effective solution. Remember hearing the classic ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’? Well, two guns don’t save a life, and may even inflict more deaths upon innocent children.

In order to actually help keep students and staff safe, overall gun reform needs to be put in place. Background checks for people buying guns need to be stricter and more enforced. If parents own guns and keep them in the house, they need to keep their guns out of sight and out of reach from any of their children. There is no reason for any civilian to own an assault rifle, which is literally defined as “a rapid-fire, magazine-fed automatic rifle designed for infantry use”. No student should ever have to choose between their survival and an education.

Change needs to be made. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next year. Today.

 

Thankfully, there are many teenagers across the country who have decided to take this matter into their own hands, and there are many ways to get involved. The survivors of the Parkland shooting of February 14, 2018 started the March for Our Lives movement with the sole purpose “To harness the power of young people across the country to fight for sensible gun violence prevention policies that save lives.” They organized the largest single day protest against gun violence in history, they help register young people to vote, and have chapters all across the country. It is truly the future generations of leaders that give me and my friends and family hope for the future. They aren’t afraid to fight for what they believe in, and neither am I.

If you have any questions for Macy, email curious@culturesofdignity.com

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The Power of Apologizing

The Power of Apologizing

 

Apologies require the highest level of human capacity—mindful self-reflection and the ability to acknowledge another person’s experience. If that isn’t hard enough, it often requires putting ourselves in a position of vulnerability—often to the person to whom we are apologizing

That’s why no one has ever woken up excited because they have to apologize to someone. Of course, it feels better in the long run, and yes, it’s the “right” thing to do, but usually we dread these moments. It’s why we so often come up with reasons not to apologize; like refusing to believe we’re wrong, excusing our behavior, blaming the other person or thinking nothing we say will make a difference.

Apologies are especially important for our relationships with young people. How you model and teach giving and accepting apologies matters. When young people see an adult genuinely apologize, they realize the power of apologies to transform relationships.

So, what is a genuine apology?
True apologies:

Recognize that every person has the right to his or her feelings and perspective. That means no one has the right to tell anyone else that they’re “overreacting,” “took it the wrong way” or are “overly sensitive.”

Conveys sincerity.

Acknowledges the hurt done to the other person.

Offers to make amends having nothing to do with being “caught” and getting into trouble.

Examples of true apologies include statements like “I’m deeply sorry I said those things” or “I was really out of line, and I didn’t think about how I embarrassed you (or the position I put you in).”

A fake apology:

Has an insincere tone of voice, sometimes accompanied by body language, like sighing and eye-rolling, to further communicate their true feelings.

Tries to make the other person feel weak for wanting the apology.

Manipulates the person apologized to, usually in order to get something the apologizer wants.

Talks about themselves and how they’ve been affected by the situation and doesn’t take responsibility for their behavior.

You can’t force someone to accept your apology. If the person you apologized to needs some time, honor that.  On the other hand, it is never too late to apologize. You can always go back the next day, a week or a month later and tell the person that you are sorry.

The real goal isn’t to receive forgiveness. It is to go through the process of doing your best to make amends.

Is there someone you need to apologize to?

This originally appeared in our newsletter Communiquette. 

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What the College Admission Scandals Mean for Students with Learning Differences

Kate is a senior in high school from Boulder, Colorado. She is working as a writing and editing intern with Cultures of Dignity this spring.

Here are her thoughts on how the college scandals influence students, like her, with learning differences.

What the College Admission Scandals Mean for Students with Learning Differences
By Kate Gallop

 

I was first tested for a learning disability when I was eleven. I stumbled through elaborate written, verbal, and computerized tests. The results all pointed to the same conclusion: I have ADD.

That explained a lot. It justified all the hours I spent agonizing over my fifth-grade homework load and lack of attention in class. It was disheartening at first, but then I figured it out. By my Sophomore year of high school, I had learned how to stay organized and ask for help from my teachers independently.

I am proud of how much I’ve adjusted. I worked hard for years to stay on track with my coursework and advocate for myself. But when junior year came around and I began looking at colleges and studying for the ACT, I learned that my hard work didn’t always matter. Instead, I was advised by my college counselors not to talk about my learning difference in college essays because colleges might look down on my test scores if they knew I had extra time. I hated the pressure that I felt to hide this part of myself from schools. By junior year, I had finally stopped feeling inadequate because of my learning difference, and I didn’t want to revert back to hiding that part of me. I didn’t want to believe what my counselors told me about some colleges, but unfortunately, they weren’t wrong.

Just last year a lawsuit was filed against the ACT for its practice of “flagging” students who used accommodations on their tests. In order to make more money, the ACT had participating colleges pay them to view learning disability information and use it in their decision-making process.

Applying to colleges is already incredibly stressful from start to finish. I was so nervous that I had nightmares about typos in my essays. It is horrible to hear that, despite my best efforts on my applications, the ACT flagged my learning difference as a mark against me. Even worse was knowing that some colleges paid the ACT to identify which students had disabilities because they saw it as a liability.

“It’s wrong that the ACT flagging impacted so many people. Having a learning difference isn’t something that determines how successful someone will be in college. Honestly, having ADHD has helped me learn to work harder and be a better student.” – Jessica, 19

The issue is further complicated because, in an effort to cheat on the ACT, people have been abusing accommodations that are in place for people with disabilities. Parents have been accused of paying psychologists to provide a fake diagnosis to get their child extra time. In some cases, the accommodations called for separate testing spaces where proctors could be paid off to change their answers.

This college admissions scandal hurts the acceptability of students who really do need accommodations. Standardized tests are, in most cases, a race against the clock. This leads to a complicated dynamic because students who don’t have disabilities often view the accommodations as unfair.  

“I need extra time on standardized tests and this scandal hurts my credibility as a student with a learning difference. The accommodations are in place to level the playing field, and when people abuse them, it makes it easier for people to overlook their importance.” -Caroline, 18

In junior year advisory, we talked about learning differences. One of my friends said, “Wouldn’t anyone perform better if they had more time?” To some extent, I understood her perspective. From her viewpoint, other people used calculators during math tests, extra time to finish problems she hadn’t had time to double check, and the ability to type in-class essays. She saw it as unfair; she thought everyone should be treated “equally”.

That’s where I disagreed with her. Equity is crucial in giving students equal opportunity to succeed in school. Everyone should get the support they need to perform at their best, and this support isn’t the same for each student. In order for equity to be upheld, students with learning differences must have the accommodations they need to do their best work.

Photo by Alex Holyoake on Unsplash

In the moment, I replied, “It’s like we are on a highway and we both have to cross a finish line, except my car goes 20 mph and yours goes 70 mph. Of course it’s going to take me longer to get there, but if we had the same amount of time you’d be miles ahead.”  If everyone got extra time on the ACT or SAT it wouldn’t help the average student, it would only hurt those who truly need accommodations.

“My friend once told me ‘you don’t need accommodations and even if you did then you shouldn’t use them because it isn’t fair to everyone else” – Jake, 16

When extra time is abused, it contributes to the common misconceptions about the 1 in 5 people who actually have a learning disability. I grew up never wanting to use accommodations and feeling insecure about my learning difference. After finally understanding that I have nothing to hide and my intelligence has no correlation with how quickly I work, it is sad to see that there are so many in the world around me who have yet to reach the same understanding.

If you have any questions for Kate, feel free to email curious@culturesofdignity.com

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The post What the College Admission Scandals Mean for Students with Learning Differences appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.

‘Politically Correct,’ For Whom?

‘Politically Correct,’ For Whom?
By Rosalind Wiseman

When I first started teaching high school students, the term “politically correct” routinely came up. Especially when I covered sexual harassment, it was not uncommon for a male student to declare that he had the right to make offensive statements because the constitution protected his free speech. Further, he would proclaim that anyone who disagreed with him wasn’t worthy of his respect because they were being “politically correct.”

The moment he made this declaration the following reaction occurred. Most of the boys and girls in the room rolled their eyes or shifted their bodies that clearly indicated they didn’t agree. But a few of the students would immediately laugh, put their arms up in triumph and declare their support for this student. In their minds, he was speaking truth to power.

In these situations, I would often initially try to reason with the student. It didn’t work. Once or twice I remember trying to appeal to their compassion, using the “how would you feel if that happened to you” strategy. That was even less effective.

The “politically correct” term is increasingly being used in our political discourse. And it is becoming just as serious of a problem as it is in the classroom. Why? Because in merely two words, it’s a formidable strategy to ridicule not only an idea but the person who communicates the idea. Moreover, the accusation deftly distracts from the content, kills civil debate and creates a delusional perception that the person engaging in “politically correct” discourse is honest, authentic and brave while the PC person is intolerant, weak and overly sensitive.

And it’s dangerous because it’s a subtle warning to those who point out offensive and biased language/behavior that they are overreacting and limiting others’ so-called “free speech.” It runs the risk that the progress our society has made in being sensitive to bigotry and bias will move backwards.

Beyond political campaigns, we are seeing people struggle with this issue all over the country including on college campuses. This is not to say that the debate college students and many of us are having around the country about the balance between free speech and hate speech isn’t important. It couldn’t be more important. But that’s the point—it must be a debate. It’s only when we remove the accusation of being “PC” from our conversations that we can approach people with the critical thinking skills and maturity necessary to hear opinions that we passionately disagree with.

We can ask these questions for young people to reflect upon:

When someone mocks you, what is your automatic reaction?
How do you maintain your self-respect in that moment?
What is your most powerful and dignified response when you’re in the presence of someone who openly disrespects you?

We’d suggest remembering that everyone has the right to their opinion. People can disagree with a specific opinion you put forth but they can’t disagree with your overall perspective and the way you see the world. Also, it may be helpful to reflect on the fact that often these “politically correct” accusations come from those who are in power positions or privileged groups and it immediately shuts down the conversation. Why are they doing this? Why don’t they want to hear what the other person has to say?

One idea to drive home this point is the following class activity:

Have students conduct research on three adults in positions of leadership/power who accused someone of being politically correct. Then have them investigate three people who are accused of being politically correct. Are there patterns to what happened? Who were the accusers? Who were the accused? Do any of your answers fit into biases we can see in other areas of our culture?

We can also remind young people that for those among us who like to be rude and offensive and then use that “politically correct” term to label other people’s frustration with us, consider the following questions:

In what way is your right to be offensive more important than another person’s right to be heard?
How does the truth you want to share reflect your values and character?
Why is offending someone rewarding for you?

Those questions always provoke intense dialogue because at their core, they’re about balancing people’s rights “to be” in a public communal space like a school.

Young people are often rightfully frustrated that what they learn in school is not relatable to important issues happening in their real lives. Here’s an issue that does have application, not only in spontaneous conversations that take place between young people in hallways, lunch tables and online, but is also a dynamic they can see taking place throughout our culture. Let’s help our students understand that having a free flowing exchange of ideas — especially when someone wants to shut someone else down — is an issue they need to think critically about and know how to facilitate in their everyday lives.

This article originally appeared on Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations on ADL.

Recent Posts

Bring Dignity Into Your School And Transform Culture


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The post ‘Politically Correct,’ For Whom? appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.