Rosalind Wiseman's Blog, page 15
April 17, 2019
Stories That Move: Students Get Parents to Think
By Trinabh Banerjee and Zözi Lencz
One cloudy Thursday afternoon parents sat around a table in a school canteen, chatting. “Why are we here?” many of them quietly thought. Yet just over an hour later, they would leave with new insight into the social problems of racism and discrimination that plague our world. They would leave aware of the new educational opportunities for teaching children, the future, about these problems in an insightful and meaningful manner.
So how did we get to this point? Our names are Trinabh Banerjee and Zozi Lencz and we are grade 10 students from the International School of Amsterdam (ISA). Together with two fellow students, Leilani Hancock and Rania Khan, we have been involved with an online educational project called Stories That Move*, starting with testing the early stages of the toolbox in 8th grade. After attending the official launch in Berlin in 2018, we set up our own service club at ISA, hosting numerous activities, including the parent workshop introduced above
The Stories that Move toolbox aims to present racism and discrimination through the eyes of individuals who have faced it. Through their experiences, told in film clips, students follow five “learning paths” that examine racism, bias and discrimination in a critical but engaging manner. Students listen to touching “stories” of discrimination, threats against beliefs and basic human rights, and they are “moved”. The four of us are prime examples of the impact the toolbox can have on individual students. We have stepped up to take action in this sometimes dark world and to spread awareness about these issues, and we are trying to inspire as many people as possible to join us and make this a global movement. And that includes our parents…
The creativity, action and service (CAS) club that we created at our school involves students in Stories that Move as a project, but it also involves them in activities inspired by the project. Our club members, both middle and high schoolers, especially enjoyed participating in visual awareness campaigns. Our “To This Day” exhibition, where we placed large boards in the main foyer of our school during the week of November 9th, in commemoration of the Kristallnacht pogrom during WWII, was well received by the whole community. We also made a creative installation out of glowing tea lights to raise awareness on International Human Rights Day.
Our most ambitious activity thus far was an hour-long Parent Workshop about the toolbox, featuring presentations by club leaders and members. We specifically looked at informing parents about the media choices students are making and the difficult topics of discrimination and bias. And it was a success! The parents who came, a very diverse group, were inspired to create new learning opportunities for their children. The open-discussion format allowed conversation about the issues to flow freely, leading to more honest answers and better understanding of personal biases. And we learned from the parents, too: their thoughts on the rapidly changing world and their insights on the impact of the media.
Afterwards, we were invited to plan a workshop for our entire Parent Teacher Association, more than 100 people, which was a wonderfully positive reaction to our first workshop! We look forward to a bright future showcasing the power of student voices and their ability to create change.
This online toolbox, which was originally aimed at teenagers, is now gaining interest from enthusiastic parents keen to reflect on prejudices and discrimination and help provide this learning opportunity to their children.
Heartened by these positive developments, we look forward to continuing to spread the word about Stories that Move.
*Stories that Move is an international project in seven languages, initiated by the Anne Frank House and eight partner organisations, including the International School of Amsterdam.
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Read more about student’s experiences with Stories that Move on our blog here.
STORIES THAT MOVE
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April 15, 2019
In Honor of Jeremy Richman
Finding the Courage to Understand Tragedy
By Rosalind Wiseman
On March 25th, my friend and colleague, Jeremy Richman, killed himself; succumbing to the grief of the murder of his six year old daughter, Avielle Richman, at Sandy Hook Elementary in 2012. As I write this the media has already moved on the next predictable tragedy. But what is the point of all of these stories unless we use them to address the problems these tragedies make so real?
Jeremy, of all people, understood this. I met Jeremy Richman and his wife Jennifer Hansel shortly after Sandy Hook when they founded the Avielle Foundation. Both Jennifer and Jeremy were scientists so they used their expertise to try to make sense of the senseless; a young man walking into an elementary school to kill children and the adults who care for them.
Jeremey wanted to make sense of the violence because he knew it was the only way to stop it. He also knew that “senseless” is the word our politicians use who refuse to do the hard work and take the courageous political stands required to effectively address gun violence in our country. It fell to people like Jeremy and Jennifer, neuroscientists and the parents of Avielle, to do the work, while living with their pain.
Jessica Hill/Associated Press
The Avielle Foundation did many things but primarily funded support to neuroscience and public health research with the goal of understanding the structural and chemical elements in the brain that underlie violence or compassion; the interplay between genetics and the environment; the consequences of childhood maltreatment and trauma on the brain, its development, and its elicited behaviors.
For their efforts, they were attacked by Alex Jones who questioned the truth of the Sandy Hook shooting, accused Jeremy and Jennifer of being actors and doubted if their daughter, Avielle, was actually killed. Just for one moment, imagine that you are a parent who has lost a daughter in a school shooting and Mr. Jones, publicly doubts your pain and knows that some of his listeners will go after you as well. Still Jeremy and Jennifer, along with other parents Mr. Jones attacked, would not be bullied into silence. They joined together to sue Mr. Jones for defamation and he is being forced to go through the judicial process as I write.
All while this was happening, Jeremy worked at the Avielle Foundation, was a husband and dad, went to the grocery store, paid bills, and managed saying hello to his Newtown neighbors who adored him. It was a testament to his passion and strength that Jeremy was able to get out of bed every morning and work to understand our national tragedy of school shootings.
A year ago, I went to Newtown to work with the Avielle Foundation. It was a crazy day. I got to our event late because a storm blew through as I was driving in from New York City. Trees and powerlines were down everywhere. Jeremy and I laughed as we made backup plans and I got in and out of my car helping people remove tree branches from the local roads. When I finally arrived, we made the best of it and then went out to pizza with what seemed like most of the Newtown community. Every few minutes people stopped to chat and were so clearly proud of the work he was doing.
Jeremy was a hero, an inspiration and a friend. He did not live in vain. In the midst of grief, he showed us how to live a life of meaning. He was a role model to show all of us that while people in leadership and power may be against you, the work and the rightness of that work never changes.
He changed the lives of so many-including mine.
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The post In Honor of Jeremy Richman appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
April 1, 2019
Meet Our Newest Editorial Advisors!
The Cultures of Dignity Editorial Advisors review and provide feedback on all of our content. Young people let us know when we are wrong on all of the content we send into the world – from lesson plans, to blogs, to presentations.
Young people are experts on what it means to live in this day and age but don’t always get to share their voice. At Cultures of Dignity, we get to listen to young people.
Get to know our newest editorial advisors below!
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Lara is a 16 year old junior from Boulder, Colorado. In her free time she enjoys exploring the trails with her dog.
Trinidad is a Junior at Frankfurt International School, loves Korean pop, and is passionate about learning animals and medicine.
Gabriella is a high school junior from Southwestern PA, who loves dogs and is passionate about spreading kindness!
We accept applicants for the Editorial Advisors on a rolling basis.
Feel free to apply at any time or pass this along to a young person who would be interested!
APPLY
The post Meet Our Newest Editorial Advisors! appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
March 26, 2019
WEBINAR: Creating A Culture of Dignity In Your School with Charlie Kuhn
Cultures of Dignity’s co-founder, Charlie Kuhn, hosted a webinar with Crisis Go on how to create a culture of dignity in your school.
In this webinar, Charlie discussed:
Highlighting the importance of SEL (Social Emotional Learning) in school communities
Defining dignity and respect
Offering realistic definitions of bullying, by-standing, teasing, drama, and social conflict
Identifying dynamics that lead to social conflict
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March 22, 2019
How We Can Help Teens Feel Less Anxious About Getting Into College
By Rosalind Wiseman
Have you heard back from any schools yet? Where are you thinking about going?
As someone who works with high school people across the country, I can assure you high school seniors hate answering these questions.
People ask me what do I want to do in my life. I don’t even know what I want to do tomorrow. -Liv, 17
But, in the wake of the college admissions bribery scandal, if we ever needed a time to stop asking these questions and start acknowledging the insanity of the college applications process, it’s now.
However, we also have to recognize how we all contribute to the anxiety that this system feeds off of. Every time we ask a high school senior where they are “going,” we contribute to the problem. Every time we gossip with other parents about who got in and why we contribute to the problem. Every time we post which schools our children got into or how much scholarship money they received, we contribute to the problem. Every time we project our anxieties onto our children and convince ourselves that their happiness (and ours by extension) is tied up in getting into the “right” school, we contribute to the problem.
We can stop this.
This is a subject I talk to high school students about and they have come up with three possible reasons adults are constantly asking questions about where they are going to college:
They are genuinely interested because they care.
They don’t know what else to talk about with a person their age.
They are comparing their own child to the young person they are talking to
It’s disappointing but most of the students feel that the last reason is the most common.
As soon as you mention you’re a senior the question is, “Oh, where are you going to college?” – Gabriella, 17 – Cultures of Dignity editorial advisor
High school students need to flip the script. The next time an adult asks a “Where are you going to college?” question, they can respond by asking the adult at least one of the following questions:
Questions Teens Can Ask Adults About College Admissions
Where did you go to college? Was it where you wanted to go?
What did you learn from the experience and the application process as a whole?
Did you go to college close to or far away from home?
Were you limited in where you could apply because of money?
Did you share where you got in with your friends and family? What do you think that would be like now with social media?
Can you tell me if you knew what you wanted to major in when you were my age?
Were you anxious about applying to college?
Did your friends help or hurt your stress as you went through the process of applying to colleges?
What do you think is the best way to manage the judgment and comparisons that people often make about getting into college?
Of course, these questions should be asked in a respectful and curious tone and a meaningful conversation may well come out of it. A young person could learn a lot from an adult who is willing to answer honestly about their college experience.
I also asked young people to share their advice about how an adult can engage with them in conversation about their future. Here are some of their suggestions:
I bet you’re being asked about college a lot right now and I’m not going to do that. I am much more interested in knowing how you see things.
Are you taking any classes in school that you like and are really interested in?
What do you think are important issues high school students care about?
What do you think is the best use of your time after you graduate from high school?
If you are talking to a young person you know well, including your own children, you can always say,
I know I’m saying something obvious, but the combination of social media, the college application process, and how people will talk with you about college is designed to make you as anxious as possible. It’s horrible but true.
It’s really important to remember that the “right school” means the right school for you. Please know that wherever you end up going, you are investing in that school because you believe you can learn best in their environment. Wherever you end up, I will be proud of you if you worked hard, strived to make the world a little bit better, and upheld your dignity through the process.
Adults should help young people navigate the anxiety and feelings of rejection and disappointment, not contribute to them. We must support young people to push back on the anxiety and inequity that is inherent in higher education’s admission process.
Our children’s happiness will never be dependent on what college they attend. Their happiness is, and will always be, based on contributing to something larger than themselves, curiosity, meaningful social connection, a hope of success, and having a place to process and find peace as they navigate the inevitable conflicts and challenges they face. In the words of Lara, 16, “It’s a pity that the parents involved in this college fraud scheme do not appear to have understood this.” But we can and act accordingly.
Recent Posts
Parenting Children With ADHD
How We Can Help Teens Feel Less Anxious About Getting Into College
Stop Asking So Many Questions
This originally appeared on Grown & Flown here.
The post How We Can Help Teens Feel Less Anxious About Getting Into College appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
March 20, 2019
Parenting Children With ADHD
The following is an excerpt from the introduction of the book 8 Keys To Parenting Children With ADHD by Cindy Goldrich
Parenting Children With ADHD
By Cindy Goldrich
They don’t mean to frustrate you. They don’t want to make life so challenging and difficult, for you or for themselves. Just as some children have trouble learning how to read, kids with ADHD often have trouble learning how to manage their attention, time, and materials. Many also have trouble tolerating frustration, being flexible, and solving their problems effectively. Just as decoding words is a learned skill, your child may need extra support learning and developing these other skills as well.
Rewards and punishments can’t teach skills—but you can. It may take incredible patience, learning, understanding, investigation, and perseverance on your part, but it’s worth it! Whether we are conscious of it or not, we each have a belief about how we are supposed to parent our children—that is, of course, until our instinct or logic does not produce the results we anticipated or desired. Often, by the time parents reach out to me, they have tried many different parenting approaches and heard the advice (welcome or otherwise) of several different people. One issue we all grapple with as parents is knowing when to push our kids and when to pull back. When should we provide support, and when should we let our children manage for themselves at the risk of failing or being disappointed?
Some kids, as long as we provide a safe, nurturing environment, will generally perform as we would expect, given our guidance and a variety of appropriate opportunities along the way. However, for some kids, all the love and logic we can muster doesn’t seem to be enough to help them cooperate and succeed. Why? Is it that we aren’t doing it “right”? Before we begin pointing fingers and instilling guilt, I ask you to consider the nature of the child you are parenting.
Every person is born with unique chemistry, physique, and temperament—and no operator’s manual! Often, we begin to realize that we may have an especially challenging child only when we are already struggling. If you have a child who struggles because of an inability to regulate his or her attention, impulsivity, or level of activity, chances are you have become familiar with the world of ADHD.
As you become more educated in and aware of how ADHD truly impacts all aspects of your child’s life, you will notice a shift in the way you view and interact with your child. That will allow you to help build his or her confidence, resilience, and life skills. You will become more conscious of how you must adjust your parenting style to match the needs of your child. You may need to reframe how you think about your child and his or her actions. You may make changes in how you speak and respond to your child, and you may need to adjust how you plan and organize aspects of your home and your life. This parenting style is what I call “Parent the child you have,” and it informs all the work I do as a parent coach.
Family members, friends, and even well-meaning teachers and other professionals may offer advice and strategies with the intention of helping you “fix” or “teach” your child. You must learn to trust your inner voice and tailor your parenting to meet the needs of your unique child. For some, this may mean providing tighter control; for others, it may mean offering more guidance and support; and for still others, it may mean reducing certain obligations or short-term expectations. These are some of the issues I will help you explore and resolve.
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The post Parenting Children With ADHD appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
March 16, 2019
How We Can Help Teens Feel Less Anxious About Getting Into College
By Rosalind Wiseman
Have you heard back from any schools yet? Where are you thinking about going?
As someone who works with high school people across the country, I can assure you high school seniors hate answering these questions.
People ask me what do I want to do in my life. I don’t even know what I want to do tomorrow. -Liv, 17
But, in the wake of the college admissions bribery scandal, if we ever needed time to stop asking these questions and start acknowledging the insanity of the college applications process, it’s now.
However, we also have to recognize how we all contribute to the anxiety that this system feeds off of. Every time we ask a high school senior where they are “going,” we contribute to the problem. Every time we gossip with other parents about who got in and why we contribute to the problem. Every time we post which schools our children got into or how much scholarship money they received, we contribute to the problem. Every time we project our anxieties onto our children and convince ourselves that their happiness (and ours by extension) is tied up in getting into the “right” school, we contribute to the problem.
We can stop this.
This is a subject I talk to high school students about and they have come up with three possible reasons adults are constantly asking questions about where they are going to college:
They are genuinely interested because they care.
They don’t know what else to talk about with a person their age.
They are comparing their own child to the young person they are talking to
It’s disappointing but most of the students feel that the last reason is the most common.
As soon as you mention you’re a senior the question is, “Oh, where are you going to college?” – Gabriella, 17 – Cultures of Dignity editorial advisor
High school students need to flip the script. The next time an adult asks a “Where are you going to college?” question, they can respond by asking the adult at least one of the following questions:
Questions Teens Can Ask Adults About College Admissions
Where did you go to college? Was it where you wanted to go?
What did you learn from the experience and the application process as a whole?
Did you go to college close to or far away from home?
Were you limited in where you could apply because of money?
Did you share where you got in with your friends and family? What do you think that would be like now with social media?
Can you tell me if you knew what you wanted to major in when you were my age?
Were you anxious about applying to college?
Did your friends help or hurt your stress as you went through the process of applying to colleges?
What do you think is the best way to manage the judgment and comparisons that people often make about getting into college?
Of course, these questions should be asked in a respectful and curious tone and a meaningful conversation may well come out of it. A young person could learn a lot from an adult who is willing to answer honestly about their college experience.
I also asked young people to share their advice about how an adult can engage with them in conversation about their future. Here are some of their suggestions:
I bet you’re being asked about college a lot right now and I’m not going to do that. I am much more interested in knowing how you see things.
Are you taking any classes in school that you like and are really interested in?
What do you think are important issues high school students care about?
What do you think is the best use of your time after you graduate from high school?
If you are talking to a young person you know well, including your own children, you can always say,
I know I’m saying something obvious, but the combination of social media, the college application process, and how people will talk with you about college is designed to make you as anxious as possible. It’s horrible but true.
It’s really important to remember that the “right school” means the right school for you. Please know that wherever you end up going, you are investing in that school because you believe you can learn best in their environment. Wherever you end up, I will be proud of you if you worked hard, strived to make the world a little bit better, and upheld your dignity through the process.
Adults should help young people navigate the anxiety and feelings of rejection and disappointment, not contribute to them. We must support young people to push back on the anxiety and inequity that is inherent in higher education’s admission process.
Our children’s happiness will never be dependent on what college they attend. Their happiness is, and will always be, based on contributing to something larger than themselves, curiosity, meaningful social connection, a hope of success, and having a place to process and find peace as they navigate the inevitable conflicts and challenges they face. In the words of Lara, 16, “It’s a pity that the parents involved in this college fraud scheme do not appear to have understood this.” But we can and act accordingly.
This originally appeared on Grown & Flown here
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How We Can Help Teens Feel Less Anxious About Getting Into College
Stop Asking So Many Questions
On Boys Podcast: Rosalind Wiseman on How to Talk with Boys
The post How We Can Help Teens Feel Less Anxious About Getting Into College appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
March 11, 2019
Stop Asking So Many Questions
Asking questions is not always a sign of love.
Imagine…. It’s been an exhausting day. You walk through the front door and all you want to do is collapse on the sofa. But you can’t because standing in between you and peace of mind is your child who greets you by asking the following questions.
“How was your day? Did you answer all of your emails? Did you remember to finish that report your boss asked you to do last week? How did your evaluation go? Wait…a minute….Why are you walking away from me? Why are you being so moody? I just want to know what’s going on with you! I love you!”
Doesn’t this sound horrible? But we do it all the time. It’s one of our great miscommunications: asking a million questions to the people we love to feel close to them. Instead, it jacks up anxiety and feels like an interrogation.
It’s why we just respond with “I’m fine” to all the questions. We just want peace.
Here are some questions young people shared with us that while well-meaning, are crazy-making:
How was your day?
Who did you talk to?
Did you get into any fights?
Who did you eat lunch with?
What did you learn?
Was there any drama?
Were the other kids nice to you?
What are your thoughts on x person?
You’re sure you didn’t get into any drama?
Are you ok?
Did you fail that math test?
Do you have a crush?
Do you like anyone right now?
Why don’t you like so and so anymore?
Who do the other kids like?
We are exhausting with all the questions.
When we see the people we love, here’s what we can do to make it nicer and saner for everyone:
Put down the phone. Stop talking to the person on the phone, stop texting, stop scrolling through your feed.
Smile and just look at this person you love. No matter what’s going on remember how grateful you are that they are in your life. Sometimes just taking a moment to look at them will tell you more than anything they will say.
Say something that backs that up. A warm “Hi! So good to see you” will suffice.
Wait a few minutes and see what happens. Our experience is that after the person who usually gets the millions of questions gets over their shock at the silence, they start talking.
So let’s slow down. Our relationships are not dependent on knowing every detail of the other person’s life. In an incredibly anxious world, our healthiest, strongest relationships should include being a comfort to each other.
At Cultures of Dignity, our definition of happiness includes having a place to process and find peace. Shouldn’t we give that to the people we are closest to?
This originally appeared in our newsletter Communiquette.
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The post Stop Asking So Many Questions appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
March 8, 2019
On Boys Podcast: Rosalind Wiseman on How to Talk with Boys
https://culturesofdignity.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/151_Rosalind_Wiseman.mp3
Rosalind Wiseman’s work is based on the belief that young people’s experiences are important, but often discounted.
Adults, she says, frequently give young people advice without listening to them first.
Boys often tune out adult’s well-meaning messages because we fail to recognize that they are the subject matter experts of their own lives. However, if you respect their experiences and listen to their concerns, boys will work with you.
Wiseman says that parents and teachers who want to communicate more effectively with boys should:
Stop freaking out. Don’t let anxiety drive your interactions with boys.
Stop making assumptions about boys. Ask, don’t lecture.
In this episode, Wiseman answers some tough questions from parents, and drops wisdom that’s sure to change your approach to (and relationship with) the boys in your life.
In this episode, Janet & Rosalind discuss:
Why most social-emotional learning experiences alienate boys — and why it’s so important to consider boys’ needs as we create programs to teach them character development, empathy & kindness
How parents can more effectively listen to boys
Why overwhelming boys with questions is exactly the wrong thing to do
The importance of simply showing affection to your boys (vs. showering them with questions)
How moms’ intensity can cause boys to shut up or lash out
The hypocrisy of adults (Boys aren’t wrong when they call out adults as hypocritical and unfair!)
The tightrope boys walk: On some level and in some instances, males have privilege and power that amplifies their voices. But in other cases, boys’ voices aren’t respected.
Why there are no clear-cut answers to parenting dilemmas
The importance of acknowledging the fact that adults sometimes make things worse
How parents and teachers can partner with boys to help them solve tough problems
Why it’s so important to listen to and honor teen boys’ fear of being falsely accused of sexual assault
How to role-model apologies and healthy conflict resolution
How to cope with boys’ anger (Pro tip: Ask him what he needs, and let him walk away)
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The post On Boys Podcast: Rosalind Wiseman on How to Talk with Boys appeared first on Cultures of Dignity.
February 27, 2019
How to Talk to Kids about Race and Racism
This piece was originally published on NBC News’ Parent Toolkit here.
How to Talk to Kids about Race and Racism
There’s no question: talking about race can be sensitive, and yes, even a bit messy.
There’s no question: talking about race can be sensitive, and yes, even a bit messy. And “choosing” whether or not to talk to your kids about race is an option many parents, specifically those of color, don’t have; some children may inevitably learn about it by confronting racism in their everyday lives.
This can make the “conversation about race” even trickier, as what is discussed can change depending on a variety of factors, such as a family’s make up, their socioeconomic class, or the community they live in. Therefore, the context will vary, depending on who is talking and what their personal experiences are with race and racism.
In short? There’s no “one way” to dive into this topic. There’s no such thing as “quick tips” or foolproof advice when it comes to discussing the complexities of race. But, there are better ways to go about it and each parent will have to decide for themselves what makes the most sense for them and their family. Above all, it’s a conversation all parents need to have, no matter your background or experience. So, if you’re curious how to get this conversation started, here’s what the experts have to say.
Actually talk about it.
For some families, talking about race is a regular part of daily life. For others, it’s a subject that can be difficult to discuss. But for everyone, it’s an incredibly important conversation and shouldn’t be avoided. And, research backs that up. Dr. Margaret Hagerman, a sociologist and author of White Kids: Growing Up with Privilege in a Racially Divided America, spent two years studying 30 affluent, white families in a Midwestern community, during which she found, “kids are learning and hearing about race regardless of whether parents are talking to them about it.”
But how? Dr. Erin Winkler, an associate professor at University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, says children notice skin color, just as they’d notice any other physical difference (i.e., glasses, long hair, or height). At the same time, “children are learning to categorize – shapes, colors, and people, too,” Winkler explains.
So, what ends up happening? “Not talking about race causes children to come to a lot of harmful, problematic and factually inaccurate conclusions,” Hagerman says. If we teach children that racism is simply a thing of the past, and that today we are all equal – and all equally capable of achieving the “American Dream” – children “may mistakenly assume that the unequal racial patterns they see are earned or justified,” Winkler says. Like anything else, children begin filling in the information gaps themselves, and their data points may not always be coming from the most reliable sources.
Still, some parents don’t talk about race because they don’t want to raise their children to be aware of differences – insisting it enables children to see one another as more “equal.” While the intentions may be inherently good, Parent Toolkit expert and Director of Social Engagement for iCivics, Amber Coleman-Mortley cautions parents from adopting a “colorblind” perspective of the world. “At our core, we are the same. We all want to feel safe, accepted and loved. But teaching kids to be colorblind sets them up for failure,” Coleman-Mortley says. “Moreover, walking around acting like you don’t see differences can actually do more harm.”
But to be clear, this isn’t a discussion reserved for white parents and their kids. While ensuring we raise children who are aware of other people’s experiences is a facet of the overall conversation, parents with children of color need to talk to their kids, too. “Like it or not, due to historical practice and present biases, in some communities and schools children of color have a profoundly different experience than white children do,” Parent Toolkit expert and author of How to Raise an Adult and Real American, a memoir on race, Julie Lythcott-Haims, explains. “Parents need to take stock of the community in which they are raising their kids, talk about the racial differences and how people are sometimes treated unfairly on the basis of race, and prepare their child to be self-aware, smart and safe out there.”
Set the example.
So, where should parents begin? Parent Toolkit expert and founder of Cultures of Dignity Rosalind Wiseman, says in order to have thoughtful – and productive – conversations about race with children, parents need to be comfortable discussing it themselves.
What if you find yourself intimidated by the topic? Make a point to learn more. “It takes an active effort to consume information about people different than you,” Lythcott-Haims explains. She says documentaries, such as 13TH, or books, such as Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? And Other Conversations about Race, are good places to start. “It’s not about whose perspective is right or wrong, it’s about acknowledging there are perspectives other than your own and making an effort to learn about them,” Lythcott-Haims says.
While it’s important to be informed, the best way to overcome stereotypes is by making sincere connections with a variety of individuals. Sometimes, whether by choice or by design, we aren’t exposed to people who are different from us. Think: Does your network of friends look the same? Ask yourself why. “If you’re encouraging your children to have a diverse network of friends, but everyone who enters your home looks the same, that will leave an impression on them,” Winkler explains.
Lythcott-Haims encourages parents to give themselves access to other people’s experiences. Just hearing a person’s story can completely change the way we perceive the world. “When we break into small groups and say, ‘I want to tell you about my life and hear more about yours,’ then we see each other less as labels and more like human beings,” Lythcott-Haims says. This doesn’t just go for parents, but kids as well. “Adults can facilitate this by bringing kids together to share their stories with one another,” Lythcott-Haims suggests. “Watch how commonality and bridge-building happens.”
“From my research, what we say is only one piece of it,” Winkler says. “Children don’t buy, ‘do as I say, not as I do.’ They’ll notice our patterns.” So, if you want to raise socially aware children, keep the phrase “actions speak louder than words” in mind. After all, while conversations are crucial, our children will inevitably learn most from the examples we set for them.
Help your child navigate their curiosity.
As any parent knows, it’s natural for children to ask questions. And as any parent who’s ever sported a new haircut knows, children don’t always ask questions as delicately as we’d hope. But we don’t want to discourage our children from learning more, so what can we do?
“Teaching your kids how to be respectfully curious can be difficult,” Coleman-Mortley says. But why does it seem especially hard when it comes to talking about race? Michele Chang, Director of Facilitation and Curriculum for Challenging Racism, explains, “Race used to be taboo topic of conversation. It was considered impolite to talk about.” So, how does this affect kids? “Young children have natural curiosity about differences, but they don’t put any value on what it means, until they pick it up from what their parent says, or what the media tells them,” Chang says. “So, when a child asks their parent, ‘Why does that person look like that?’ and their parent shushes them, it shuts down the conversation and signals to the child there’s something wrong.”
Parents also need to be aware of what the child is actually asking about or noticing. “There’s so much out there on how to talk to kids – we need to think more about how to listen to kids,” Hagerman says. For example, if your young child says something that you think could potentially have racist undertones, Shari Benites, Challenging Racism Facilitator and Trainer, recommends taking a moment to stop and ask yourself: What are they saying? What are they noticing? Ask them, “What makes you think that?” Their observation may be completely different than what you initially assumed. And the only way to truly know what your child meant after saying a “questionable” statement is by asking them to clarify or explain further.
When children begin growing curious about the world around them, they usually look to their parents to explain. But, what if you honestly don’t know what to say? Benites says, “Parents need to know it’s okay not to know. It can be natural to want to have all the answers, but sometimes the best answer is, ‘I’m not sure. But let’s look into it and learn about it together.’” This way, you’re not just showing your children the importance of admitting when you’re uncertain about something, but also keeping the conversation moving forward in a positive direction. Additionally, it’s okay to return to a question if you don’t know what to say right away, Winkler says. There’s always time to loop back; we’ve never “missed the moment.”
Intention, interpretation, and impact are all worth addressing when a child asks a question. So, understand why the question is being asked. Is it coming from a place of judgment, or a sincere effort to know more? And where does the need to know more stem from? Then, break down how the question is being asked. “Prefacing it with, ‘Hey that’s really cool…’ or ‘I’ve never seen that before, can you tell me about it…’ can show the other person you’re genuinely curious,” Coleman-Mortley says.
Although we want our children to ask questions, who they’re asking matters. It’s one thing to have a child confide in their parent, it’s a completely other thing for them to blatantly ask someone they don’t know. “One child’s curiosity doesn’t trump another child’s privacy,” Chang explains. Moreover, Chang emphasizes it’s not a person of color’s responsibility to “teach” people. “If your child is curious, you can read about it, find out more, and from there, have a sincere conversation about it,” Chang says.
Make it relatable.
How many times have your kids whined about something being unfair? The concept of fairness matters to children – a lot. And because of this, unfairness is the perfect way to explain and conceptualize racism to young children, Winkler says.
Since children notice patterns, they may mistakenly assign their own meaning to understand why racism exists, Winkler explains. But, it’s not exactly easy to break down structural or institutional racism to a child, either. So, Winkler came up with her own method, which she calls the “spider web activity.”
In her piece, Here’s How To Raise Race-Conscious Children, Winkler explains, “Give children balls of string and ask them to move around the room unraveling their balls of string to make a very tangled web. Once they are finished, ask them to untangle it. They will soon find that it is much more difficult to untangle the web than it was to create it in the first place. Then explain that working to make society fair is a lot like untangling this web.”
Racism can be difficult to explain to children, no matter who you are. Some parents may worry that introducing the concept of racism could be damaging, or scary, especially if that child could be the target of racism, or if the parent has experienced racism themselves. But, instead of staying silent, it’s crucial to empower children. “Parents cannot responsibly teach children about racism and then say, ‘Well, sorry! That’s the way it is,’” Winkler says. Instead, Winkler advises parents to explain, “Even though there is unfairness, there have always been people working to change it, and we can be a part of it, too.” This way, you are showing your child racism is possible to untangle, and they can be a part of that solution.
Be open about addressing mistakes.
Try as we might, mistakes still happen. “If someone says something offensive, it’s important to keep in mind their experience probably does not include your experience,” Coleman-Mortley says. But, what should children actually say to someone who has offended them? Chang recommends equipping children with three words: “Tell me more.” Open, honest communication begins with a willingness to talk and understand. “There’s no better way to shut down a conversation than to call someone a racist,” Chang says. “Saying, ‘tell me more’ gives the other person the opportunity to explain their point of view.”
Of course, there are times when open, honest communication just doesn’t suffice, and more needs to be said – or done. If your child comes to you upset about something they heard, Benites recommends saying, “It is not your job to educate your classmates about race, but with that in mind, what do you want to do about it?” The focus should be on figuring out what the child needs, and going from there.
What should we tell our children when they accidentally say the wrong thing? Explain to your kids, “The key is to listen before you react. Don’t just rush to say, ‘That’s not what I meant,’ before understanding why the other person is upset,” Benites says. “We need to teach our children they are always obligated to listen to what people say and how they feel.”
Once your child understands why the other person is offended, they can sincerely offer an apology. “The best thing you can say is, ‘I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. What do I need to do to ensure I am not making that mistake again?’” Lythcott-Haims says. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about taking ownership when we’ve made a mistake, and using it as a learning opportunity to be more aware in the future.
Sometimes there’s confusion over what is deemed “offensive.” And the truth is, it isn’t always clear. One thing to keep in mind? Historical context. Encourage your children to study the past so they can better understand the present. “In order to appreciate cultures, we also need to have respect for historical framework,” Coleman-Mortley says. Hagerman echoes this citing her research that, “kids who understood history were the most aware.”
Racism isn’t always as explicit as someone using a slur or telling an offensive joke. In fact, whether we realize it or not, even those who consider themselves “not racist” may have deeply-held beliefs or narratives that wrongly stereotype an entire group of people. “We all have biases, but we can overcome them,” Lythcott-Haims says. That starts with acknowledging to ourselves that we are having those thoughts, rather than ignoring them.
By actively taking note of an implicit bias beginning to surface, we’re already starting to undo it, Lythcott-Haims says. But, it doesn’t stop there. “Tell yourself, ‘I’m going to try to treat this person as if they are my best friend.’ By tricking the mind, now you can offer generosity and dignity to this person,” she says.
When it comes to our own implicit biases, should we tell our children? Or will that set the wrong example for them? “Parents should be open and honest with their kids about their implicit biases. It doesn’t make us bad people, it just makes us people,” Wiseman says. “If we own it, we have more power over it.” But, again, it’s not just about addressing the bias. “We must also tell our children what we are doing to overcome the bias,” Lythcott-Haims says.
Be an advocate.
No matter who you are, or where you come from, it’s important to be an advocate for all people. “The focus is often on white America, but it should be about all cultures and how each of us can live in a way that is acceptable for everyone,” Coleman-Mortley says. But what does “being an advocate” actually look like? “With advocacy, you want to allow people to speak for themselves,” Coleman-Mortley says. That means passing the mic when it’s someone else’s turn to share their experience. “But, you’re also supporting them when they need assistance.”
When is it time to speak up, and when is it better to listen? If you have older children, and they’re knowingly saying something racist, that’s when it’s time to be super concrete, Wiseman says. “I tell my children, ‘Sometimes we joke, or sometimes Mom drops an F-bomb, but there is a very large difference between swearing because you stubbed your toe, and saying something to intentionally put someone down,’” Wiseman says. If you don’t intervene, or say something in the moment, that will signal to your child that you’re okay with that type of language or behavior.
What if the person saying something inappropriate isn’t your child? “You are never neutral when someone is being disrespectful or using bigoted language,” Wiseman says. If it’s a friend or relative who is saying something racist, you can tell them directly, “I don’t want that type of language around my children.” Then, talk to your children after. “This will empower your kids to use their own voice in appropriate ways.
An important part of being an advocate is not just saying people are equal, but acting in a way that reflects that thinking. “It’s not good enough to say, ‘We are not racist.’ You are not off the hook,” Wiseman says. Instead, Lythcott-Haims says parents should pledge to be actively antiracist. But what does it actually mean to be antiracist?
Author Beverly Tatum explains the concept of racism versus “antiracism” in her book, Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? And Other Conversations About Race, by comparing it to a moving walkway in an airport. Those who are actively racist are walking fast on the conveyor belt, knowingly and willingly leveraging their privilege to get ahead at the expense of others. Those who are passively racist are standing still on the conveyor belt. Sure, they may not be exerting the same force as those who are actively racist, but they’re still happily moving forward at the expense of others. Then there are those who see the inequality and make a point to turn around, but Tatum emphasizes, “Unless they are walking actively in the opposite direction at a speed faster than the conveyor belt – unless they are actively antiracist – they will find themselves carried along with the others.
“The world is not getting any less diverse. People will never stop marrying each other, engaging with each other,” Coleman-Mortley says. The only way, she says, to really talk about race and racism, is by activating a growth mindset. Coleman-Mortley adds, “It’s really important for parents at home to impress upon their kids that humanity has to come first. We have to be okay with being vulnerable, okay with being wrong, and okay with challenging the things we’ve learned.” This is the path to continue moving forward – honestly talking about race and reckoning with our past – in the effort to one day overcome racism in the future.
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