Rosalind Wiseman's Blog, page 4
March 15, 2022
My Great Expectations
Having high expectations for our children seems like common sense. But while we may worry about children falling behind academically and reaching their full potential, young people are struggling to make sense of the world and their place in it. It’s time to take a step back and ask ourselves the price of high expectations and how we define them.
Defining high expectations can mean a variety of things. The spectrum varies from behavior to learning, to grade achievement. One of the best, and hardest, lessons to instill in young people is resilience in the context of high expectations. While resilience is a key life skill, sometimes letting go of something that has gone from a focus of joy to a focus of anxiety can be a critical decision to help a young person’s emotional and psychological health. Lela Grant, one of our Cultures of Dignity Teen Advisors, shared her experience and we end this article with a few questions for self-reflection for parents, guardians, and educators.
My Great Expectations
B y Lela Grant
I Loved To Dance
I love dancing. My mother says I was in constant motion in her womb. When I was four, I auditioned for The Washington School of Ballet, the premier ballet school in Washington DC, and was accepted. I put all my hopes and dreams into being the next Misty Copeland, the first African American Female Principal Dancer with the American Ballet Theatre. That was the expectation I set for myself and I believed it was my parents’ expectation as well.
So I danced.
Everything was fine until I turned eight. My teachers taught me great technique, but I began to struggle mentally and emotionally. The school that once made me so happy became the place I dreaded. I felt unwelcomed and invisible. The students ignored me, and the teachers constantly told me that I couldn’t dance and that I should quit.
I Hated Dancing
A secret grew within me…I hated dance. I no longer wanted to be a professional ballerina. I no longer wanted to attend The Washington School of Ballet. I attempted to tell my parents that I wanted to stop several times but I didn’t because I thought that they would be mad and disappointed. One time I practiced what I was going to say in the mirror while my parents, my grandma, and my sisters were at the dining table talking and eating. I remember walking to the dining room and getting sick to my stomach. By the time I got to the dining room I thought I was going to pass out. I actually told them I didn’t want to go to The Washington School of Ballet anymore. They said Really? and I freaked out and told them I was just playing, and ran back downstairs. Two years passed. My secret grew and festered. I was miserable. Finally, I confessed to my parents because I couldn’t stand being there anymore. To my surprise, my mom and dad weren’t mad or disappointed with me. They were proud of me for telling them and supported my decision. I was relieved and shocked. What happened to their great expectations of me?
They told me that all they wanted was for me to feel safe and seen at dance school. That was their expectation. Since that was no longer the case, they were happy to let me leave. They let me heal.
When I was 12 I started dancing again, but only at community centers, nothing serious. When I was thirteen, my desire to dance changed again. I missed dancing more seriously. So, I talked with mom and dad again and they supported my desires. It took a little over a year to find the right dance school but this time it felt different. My parents and I talked a lot. My parents were curious about my thoughts about dance and my expectations – both of the school and of myself. They let me know that I was taking the lead in this decision and that I could expect their support (as long as I honored the school and myself by showing up with integrity, going to class on time, respecting my teachers, and finishing the semester strong ). It was a long journey, but one that would have never happened if I didn’t talk to my parents and confront my expectations.
Expectations are Complicated
In January of 2021, I saw the movie Encanto and its lessons about expectations really resonated with me. The movie is about a Colombian family who are each given a “miracle”, a supernatural power. But the movie is also about unhealthy expectations. Abuela, who is the head of the family, expects – and almost needs, everyone in her family to be perfect. Her kids and grandkids work hard to meet her expectations and make her proud, but she’s never satisfied. This not only hurts Abuela’s relationships but also hurts their relationship with each other. They compare themselves to each other all the time. In one of my favorite songs in Encanto, Surface Pressure, Luisa (one of the grand-kids) sings about how she is made the rock of the family, which becomes her purpose in life, and the pressure to uphold that expectation. The lyrics read:
“…Pressure that’ll tip, tip, tip ’till you just go pop / I could shake the crushing weight of expectations, would that free some room up for joy. or relaxation, or simple pleasure? Instead we measure this growing pressure…”
Like me, it’s not until Luisa expresses her unspoken emotions and the pressures she feels that her healing can begin.
What I have Learned
Expectations help achieve something you may not have thought you could do. But they can also impose a lot of stress and unhealthy pressure, especially on children. Sometimes, we don’t feel we have the room to change our minds, our interests, or our goals. We live with a quiet fear of messing up, or failing, or disappointing someone. Most of us want to be able to live up to our parents’ expectations even more so than our own, but it can seem so exceedingly high that we feel unable to reach it. Most children don’t feel comfortable or capable of telling any of this to our parents. There are many reasons why we hide our truth because they’re living their lives through us. Others don’t because they believe telling their parents would be a burden or make their parents feel that somehow they have failed. It can feel better to struggle without saying anything, but I have come to believe talking it out is best. Push aside your expectations and communicate what’s on your heart. If you don’t you might just, “tip ’till you just go pop.”
At Cultures of Dignity, young people have often reported to us that at some point having high expectations for oneself can easily turn into not allowing oneself to make mistakes or being ashamed. This is especially true when they want to give up something they excel at or have committed their parents’ time and money. Meanwhile, parents tend to focus on the importance of teaching not to give up on something their children have committed to; usually without knowing that their child’s reason for “giving up” is understandable.
WHAT SHOULD WE FOCUS ON?
Better than high expectations, let’s focus on reasonable expectations where we teach our children to pursue their purpose, create meaningful social connection with others, and strive to achieve without that achievement being tied to their sense of self worth. So we would like to leave you with these questions for self-reflection:
How do you define high expectations?
Do they allow the people you apply these expectations to learn, grow, and make mistakes?
Do your high expectations include the possibility of “letting something go?”–even when it’s a commitment?
Do the young people in your life know your answers to these questions?
Deeper Dive: Expectations, emotional and psychological health
For further resources, check out our Tiny Guide on Cognitive Load and library of educational webinars with world-renown experts. In our webinars, we discuss, among other topics, why young people hide problems they’re experiencing from parents (like Lela did with her dancing) and what we can do to support them.
Recent Posts My Great Expectations Webinar – How to Restart Young People’s Healthy Habits. Are They Slacking When They’re Napping? Webinar – How to get your child to talk to you when it really matters Join our newsletter, Communiquette!var gform;gform||(document.addEventListener("gform_main_scripts_loaded",function(){gform.scriptsLoaded=!0}),window.addEventListener("DOMContentLoaded",function(){gform.domLoaded=!0}),gform={domLoaded:!1,scriptsLoaded:!1,initializeOnLoaded:function(o){gform.domLoaded&&gform.scriptsLoaded?o():!gform.domLoaded&&gform.scriptsLoaded?window.addEventListener("DOMContentLoaded",o):document.addEventListener("gform_main_scripts_loaded",o)},hooks:{action:{},filter:{}},addAction:function(o,n,r,t){gform.addHook("action",o,n,r,t)},addFilter:function(o,n,r,t){gform.addHook("filter",o,n,r,t)},doAction:function(o){gform.doHook("action",o,arguments)},applyFilters:function(o){return gform.doHook("filter",o,arguments)},removeAction:function(o,n){gform.removeHook("action",o,n)},removeFilter:function(o,n,r){gform.removeHook("filter",o,n,r)},addHook:function(o,n,r,t,i){null==gform.hooks[o][n]&&(gform.hooks[o][n]=[]);var e=gform.hooks[o][n];null==i&&(i=n+"_"+e.length),gform.hooks[o][n].push({tag:i,callable:r,priority:t=null==t?10:t})},doHook:function(n,o,r){var t;if(r=Array.prototype.slice.call(r,1),null!=gform.hooks[n][o]&&((o=gform.hooks[n][o]).sort(function(o,n){return o.priority-n.priority}),o.forEach(function(o){"function"!=typeof(t=o.callable)&&(t=window[t]),"action"==n?t.apply(null,r):r[0]=t.apply(null,r)})),"filter"==n)return r[0]},removeHook:function(o,n,t,i){var r;null!=gform.hooks[o][n]&&(r=(r=gform.hooks[o][n]).filter(function(o,n,r){return!!(null!=i&&i!=o.tag||null!=t&&t!=o.priority)}),gform.hooks[o][n]=r)}});
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February 23, 2022
Webinar – How to Restart Young People’s Healthy Habits. Are They Slacking When They’re Napping?
Recently we hosted a webinar on Restarting Young People’s Healthy Habits where we were joined by Gus Kraft and Trinidad Pavez, teen advisors from Cultures of Dignity and Dr. Adam Price, author of He’s Not Lazy.
Our teen panelists and Dr. Price shared so many insights; especially important as so many young people feel overwhelmed trying to catch up from the last two years. From managing schedules, homework, outside of school responsibilities, young people need to relearn healthy habits to build emotional wellness and resilience.
We learned so much about how teens define healthy and unhealthy habits, why they resist their parents advice, and how to reframe our conversations to be more productive and, frankly, less irritating.
Here are some of insights we wanted to share:
Developing healthy habits is an emerging capacity that requires discipline.
And…Discipline is another emerging ability for teens and it’s based on three things; impulse control, delay of gratification and emotional regulation. So as much as we want learning healthy habits to go in one positive direction, that’s not how it usually goes.
It’s a two way street: Parents’ frustrations about their children developing healthy or responsible habits is understandable and at the same we need to appreciate the challenges young people have to develop these habits.
Gus shared how the “good habit” of getting his homework done can turn into a lot of pressure.
It’s just these weird feelings that’s hard to put into words. You know that feeling but you can’t even describe it. It’s sort of like waves over you. There’s just so much running around in your head. If their kid doesn’t know how to explain what they’re thinking about or what they’re feeling, then the parent feels like they’re the ones that are right in this situation cuz they know what they want sort of, they know what they expect to have–and that’s that the homework should be done. Not all teenagers show every emotion on their face, but if you pay close enough attention, then you’ll see the inner turmoil because it’s like, this paper has to be good. I can’t make any mistakes. This has to be at least this grade. Or it’s the habit of like, no, you know what? I have to revise it three or four times to make sure everything’s perfect.
So kids need to develop good habits and we need to understand why it’s hard to make that a reality and learn how to talk to them about all of this more effectively.
Here are some helpful takeaways for talking to young people about healthy habits:
Ask questions before giving opinions. It can be too easy to fire off questions to our kids when we think they are behind or not doing something they’re supposed to. Instead, take a pause, and then ask questions before jumping to conclusions.Avoid asking “Why?” questions. For example, instead of saying, Why didn’t you (clean up your room, finish your homework, get any sleep last night? Ask questions that start with “How” or “Help me understand…Build emotional trust. It’s not a reflection of a bad relationship with your child or being a bad parent to recognize that you need to build emotional trust with your children. Our world is complex and so is adolescent development.Appreciate that young people have their own ideas, dreams, and desires. Developing healthy habits to support those ideas, dreams and desires is often the internal motivation they need.
Further reading and Resources:
We Know Our Teens Are Suffering But Do We Know How We Can Help?Acknowledging the Pain and Celebrating the Small Moments of JoySix ways to help kids transition back to school after distance learningAmerican Academy of Child and Adolescent PsychiatryValues Clarification apps:Values Card Sort- Jess McCloskeyHe’s Not LazyThink2PerformHabit Tracking apps:Habitify – The Minimal, Data-Driven Habit TrackerHabitBullUnderstood – For learning and thinking differencesSuicide Prevention Lifeline #1-800-273-8255 (TALK) or 1-800-SUICIDECrisis Text Line- Text NAMI to 741-741The Trevor Project (LGBTQ Youth) #1-866-488-7386Recent Posts Webinar – How to Restart Young People’s Healthy Habits. Are They Slacking When They’re Napping? Webinar – How to get your child to talk to you when it really matters Webinar – How to support young people as they make and keep friendships
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December 10, 2021
Webinar – How to get your child to talk to you when it really matters
Do you have one-way conversations with your child? Does your child answer your well-meaning question with “I’m fine”, “I’m good”, “Don’t worry about it”? If they do, you aren’t alone. But from young people’s perspectives, parents’ questions can feel like interrogations, so they respond by shutting down or answering so vaguely that the questions stop.
How do we get beyond this dynamic? How much do parents really need to know about their children’s lives? Parents can believe that the more they know about their children, the more they can help their kids. But is that true?
Think about what your kid can learn from you or what your kid wants from you. Maybe they do want to talk. Maybe they want reassurance. Maybe they want advice. They probably won’t want advice.
When it comes to relationships and living your life in a social and emotional sense, young people rarely are looking for advice. It’s about support, not solutions.
“When I’m sharing a difficulty in my life and somebody just jumps in there with advice – my immediate reaction either verbally or in my head is some form of “Don’t you think? I know that already? Oh really? It’s about the support. It is about the relationship of connecting. It’s about energy and sort of providing a connected, but also a calm state. “
What happens when we’re stuck in an unproductive pattern in our communication with young people? What if we have come across as patronizing, lecturing, or alienating them?
We have to take responsibility for our actions that contributed to the problem. When we say how we’re going to be different, we have to mean it. We need to show that young person through time and through behavior, that this is real, that we are committed to making a change. That’s how we model accountability. Words are easy, people believe behavior.
If you have further questions or comments please drop us a line on Facebook, only through open communication do we grow and learn together!
Further reading and Resources:
We Know Our Teens Are Suffering But Do We Know How We Can Help?Acknowledging the Pain and Celebrating the Small Moments of JoySix ways to help kids transition back to school after distance learningSuicide Prevention Lifeline #1-800-273-8255 (TALK) or 1-800-SUICIDECrisis Text Line- Text NAMI to 741-741The Trevor Project (LGBTQ Youth) #1-866-488-7386Recent Posts Webinar – How to get your child to talk to you when it really matters Webinar – How to support young people as they make and keep friendships Unburdened Leader Podcast
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November 19, 2021
Webinar – How to support young people as they make and keep friendships
Young people have just as complex friendships and relationships as adults.
So when they hear adults say, “Why don’t you just find other friends…” It feels like adults aren’t acknowledging how unrealistic that is. If it were that easy, they would have already done it.
Friendship is about recognizing the inherent worth of each individual within that relationship. A great question to ask a teen is, “Do you feel like you belong in this friendship, and do you want to belong in it?”
When your teen tells you about a problem with a friend, adults can ask,
“Do you want me to listen and give you advice? Or do you want to vent?”
Adults shouldn’t try to “fix” the friendship challenges. Instead, they should try to listen. Sometimes, teens want to talk so they don’t blow up at their friends.
Check our video recording to find out more and learn from youth about building and maintaining relationships.
If you have further questions or comments please drop us a line on Facebook, only through open communication do we grow and learn together!
Further reading and Resources:
We Know Our Teens Are Suffering But Do We Know How We Can Help?Acknowledging the Pain and Celebrating the Small Moments of JoySix ways to help kids transition back to school after distance learningSuicide Prevention Lifeline #1-800-273-8255 (TALK) or 1-800-SUICIDECrisis Text Line- Text NAMI to 741-741The Trevor Project (LGBTQ Youth) #1-866-488-7386Recent Posts Webinar – How to support young people as they make and keep friendships Unburdened Leader Podcast Webinar – What do young people say they need for their mental health?
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September 28, 2021
Unburdened Leader Podcast
Cultures of Dignity co-founder, Rosalind Wiseman, was interviewed by Rebecca Ching for her Unburdened Leader Podcast which focuses on leadership development. In the interview, Rosalind speaks on the issues that are impacting our families and communities; where hard problems we all need to solve together so easily become conflict that moves into chaos and anger.
Rosalind and Rebecca discussed how we must face the challenges we see around us and direct experience with courage and integrity. Especially when anger, entitlement, and self-preservation can kick into overdrive when we feel devalued. Rosalind and Rebecca explored how we can justify demeaning others if we think we are in the right or protecting people we love. And, critically, they considered how we forget about relationships and fight to be right, no matter the cost.
Sometimes, it can feel like there is nothing we can do but be silent.
Listen to this podcast to learn how we can speak up. We can hold our own with confidence and calm; especially in moments where we have felt overwhelmed in the past. We can bring others on this journey so that we can face our challenges and create solutions that not only solve problems but repair our relationships with each other.
Listen to the podcast episode:https://culturesofdignity.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/TUL_36_Rosalind_Wiseman_FINAL.mp3
In this podcast Rosalind and Rebecca discuss how we can change the way we communicate so we can better advocate our beliefs and share our perspectives while truly listening to each other.
We can do that by understanding what it really means to treat ourselves and others with dignity.We can do that by understanding the power of our emotions and learning how to manage them purposefully and thoughtfully.We can do that by understanding that while emotions are real they aren’t permanent.We can do that by processing our feelings and then act in ways that not only help our communities right now but role-model for young people on how to act in a civil society.We can do that by learning to stay present and engaged when we are surrounded by others’ anxiety and anger.We have to lead with dignity by facing our biases and recognizing the inherent worth of every person.For a great resource on learning how to communicate effectively when you’re having hard conversations see our Tiny Guide on Emotional Hijacking.
Recent Posts Unburdened Leader Podcast Webinar – What do young people say they need for their mental health? 2021 Back to School Lesson: Let’s Get Started
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September 13, 2021
Webinar – What do young people say they need for their mental health?
What is important for educators and parents to know about teen’s mental health right now?
We hosted a webinar on exactly that. Rosalind Wiseman Co-Founder of Cultures of Dignity and Megan Hoskins Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner were joined by three Cultures of Dignity’s Teen advisors to discuss questions like…
How can adults help in a way that works best for teens?What do adults do that doesn’t work for teensWhat do adults think teens need?What do teens actually need?Their advice: open, positive discussions are the key to understanding what teens may be going through.
Remember listening is being prepared to be changed by what you hearGive teens privacy and don’t let them isolate in their rooms for days at a timeDon’t ask a lot of questions when you see your child at the end of the day. Focus instead on quietly spending time with themIf they open up to you, lead with “tell me more” rather than, “Are you sure?”Don’t overly relate. You can validate that things are hard but you do not know what it is like to be a teenager during these times.Validate, don’t relate.If you have further questions or comments please drop us a line on Facebook, only through open communication do we grow and learn together!
Further reading and Resources:
We Know Our Teens Are Suffering But Do We Know How We Can Help?Acknowledging the Pain and Celebrating the Small Moments of JoySix ways to help kids transition back to school after distance learningSuicide Prevention Lifeline #1-800-273-8255 (TALK) or 1-800-SUICIDECrisis Text Line- Text NAMI to 741-741The Trevor Project (LGBTQ Youth) #1-866-488-7386Recent Posts Webinar – What do young people say they need for their mental health? 2021 Back to School Lesson: Let’s Get Started Webinar – Understanding Vulnerability with Megan Saxelby
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July 1, 2021
2021 Back to School Lesson: Let’s Get Started
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This activity was designed to compliment The Owning Up Curriculum and can be used as stand alone lessons to start the school year.
The pandemic has been an emotional rollercoaster for all of us. While it is always important to set up classroom guidelines, it will be even more important for the 2021-2022 school year to help young people feel safe and prepared to engage in school. This is an incredible opportunity to demonstrate how you value your students’ input in creating a classroom culture and climate where everyone can thrive and feel taken care of.
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OBJECTIVESTo set up your classroom with student inputTo establish relationships with your students as you begin the school yearTo acknowledge the past
What Are We Doing Today?
One of Culture’s of Dignity’s principles is, “remember the past is prologue to the present.” In this case, we want to create the opportunity for students to acknowledge the impact of the Pandemic so we can begin the year individually and collectively participating in school in a way that feels safe and consistent. For example, students may have different levels of caution and anxiety while understandably reluctant to share how they feel because of possible social consequences. Allowing students to do the activity below anonymously will be helpful to decrease students’ fear of judgement from their peers.
ACTIVITY: Sometimes We Have To Acknowledge The Past Before We Can More Forward
Time: 20 minutes but allow more time if needed/ if possible
Purpose: To acknowledge the past and prepare for the new school year.
Materials: Pen and paper
Say: We all had different experiences over the past school year. Some of us loved being home, some of us hated it and some of us were in between. All of those feelings are OK. It can be easy to assume other people have handled things better than we have and that we are the only ones struggling. Now that we are transitioning back into school it is important for us to check in with each other so we can help make this classroom and your school experience positive.
I know some people don’t like to share things out loud so you are going to write some things down that only I will see. I would like to share some quotes from these papers without names so that your classmates can have a better sense of the different experiences in our class. If you do not want me to share anything with everyone, even without your name, please write NO across the top of your paper and I will know to keep everything you have written private.
I will provide some questions for you to answer. You will have plenty of time to answer them but start with the ones you have the strongest feelings about. You can answer all of them or just a few depending on how much time you spend on each.
Teacher Note: Alter questions to suit your school and how much you were in or out of school last year.
Have students get out pen and paper and answer the following questions.
QuestionsWhat do you know now about yourself that you didn’t know before the pandemic?What was the most annoying or hardest part of school for you when you were hybrid or virtual learning last year?What are you struggling with or you are worried about now?What was the easiest part about being away from school?What was the best part of being home so much more? What was the hardest part of being home so much more? Debrief Was there anything that surprised you about what you wrote? As in, did you realize anything new about yourself as you wrote?How did it feel to write about hard parts of the past year? Which part was harder to share? School or Home?Before you hand it to me please take a minute to look it over. If there is anything you want to talk to me about specifically one on one, put a star next to it. (Make sure you follow up with any student that “stars” their paper.)
TakeawaysNo matter what your experience, your feelings about your experiences are real. They can change but they are real for you right now.No two people have the same reaction to their circumstances or the things they experience. That is also OK. Everyone has the right to their feelings and no one has the right to question someone else’s. I am here for you. You may not always love my class, how I teach or even how I say things but I want everyone in my class to feel comfortable being here and to know that I am listening to you. Your experience in this class is important to me. The bottom line is that each of you should feel treated with dignity in our class; from me and from each other. That doesn’t mean we won’t sometimes have conflicts with each other but each person has the right to be treated with dignity in my class. If you need an adult and don’t know where to go, I am here to listen and support you. There are times I may need to get someone else involved. I don’t have all of the answers but we can work through that together and find you the support you need. I also have a legal duty to report concerns of you harming yourself or others*Teacher Note: *Please be aware of mandatory reporting laws in your state so you are prepared if a young person shares something with you and you are legally required to report it. This is about making sure the young people we work with get the support they need as well as you providing appropriate care. Be clear with your students upfront about your obligation to report if they discuss certain issues with you or with the class.
Download the Lesson Recent Posts 2021 Back to School Lesson: Let’s Get Started Webinar – Understanding Vulnerability with Megan Saxelby We Know Our Teens Are Suffering But Do We Know How We Can Help?
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Owning Up Online Curriculum – Upper Elementary
August 19, 2020
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June 30, 2021
Webinar – Understanding Vulnerability with Megan Saxelby
Vulnerability is the root of connection, however, it is also a complicated emotion. Working to understand vulnerability can help you feel more in control of your emotions and relationships. Learning to embrace vulnerability helps you manage your experiences without shutting down, feeling overwhelmed, or avoiding risks that might lead to something awesome.
In this vulnerability webinar we will…Walk through a Tiny Guide on vulnerability Learn skills to embrace vulnerabilityGet tools and resources to better manage hard moments and challenging feelingsSlide Deck
Resources mentioned
RSA Short: Empathy by Brené Brown
Brené with Dr. Susan David on The Dangers of Toxic Positivity, Part 1 of 2
Research and Inspiration Behind the Tiny Guides
Webinar – Setting Boundaries: How to Create and Maintain Healthy Relationships with Megan Saxelby
Tiny Guides on core social and emotional concepts
Recent Posts Webinar – Understanding Vulnerability with Megan Saxelby We Know Our Teens Are Suffering But Do We Know How We Can Help? Roommates and Boundaries: How to Maintain Dignity
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June 8, 2021
We Know Our Teens Are Suffering But Do We Know How We Can Help?
About the Author: Carey Goldstein was a middle and high school counselor for over 15 years. She continues to advocate for young people in her work at Cultures of Dignity.
We Know Our Teens Are Suffering But Do We Know How We Can Help?By Carey Goldstein
We know that our teens are suffering but do we know how we can help? Recently, we surveyed our Youth Editorial Advisors at Cultures of Dignity and asked them, Is there a person in your life who asks you how you are doing and really wants to hear the answer? The majority answered yes but admitted they hold back from fully opening up so they won’t be a burden to their parents, friends or teachers. In addition, most feel that the pandemic has negatively impacted their mental health as well as forced them to look at mental health issues they were already experiencing.
“I think people need to realize the extreme effects of being separated from your peers and having to change learning environments. Although a lot of people and adults around me realize that, I feel like they have not asked for our opinions on how we should cope with such issues.”
How do we help young people in the way that they need? As adults, most of us have lived through a hard time and can integrate it into the rest of our lives. Young people don’t have that perspective yet and for us to tell them it will all be fine feels both counterproductive and ingenuine.
We followed up with the young people and asked, what can we do to help? We learned that most of our editorial advisors are having hard conversations with their friends about serious mental health struggles and they feel ill equipped to help. Often they try to joke and make their friends laugh to move on and forget about what is really going on, at least for a little while. They are looking to us, the adults in their lives, to provide resources. As one student told us, “When my friends come to me, I want to help them, but I don’t know how to put it. I don’t know how to help them figure it out. I don’t know what resources to point them towards.”
A few that have tried to reach out to adults but feel that we go straight into “fix it” mode before we have fully listened to the problem. Adults tend to want to make things right and do it quickly, which can sometimes shut the conversation down before it has even started. One student told us, “When adults try to give solutions, it makes me feel like I have to hide more so I can’t express fully what I am feeling. It makes the situation more difficult. It makes it feel like you have all this stuff you aren’t able to say.” We need to pause and give them a minute to open up.
As professionals that work with young people for a living, we are often the only bridge they have to receive guidance and to get help.
When a young person comes to you and they are struggling, say something at the beginning of the conversation like,Do you want advice or just to vent? Is this about wanting support or solutions?The group we talked to felt simple statements like these could be really helpful to get the conversation going. Sometimes they just need to get things off their chest without us running to the rescue. It is important that we stop and ask them how they are and then listen to the answer. Some kids are afraid to bother the adults in their lives with their mental health struggles because they recognize this time has been hard on everyone. This can delay them from getting support when they need it and before issues start to feel unmanageable.
The challenge is in the doing, how do we talk to them? Saying to a young person, “Come to me if you have a problem” may feel to an adult like reaching out but it’s not good enough.
Instead here are things you can say to make the offer of support more clear and tangible.The best way to reach me is… (email, office hours etc)I am here to listen. When you are ready for solutions, I am here for that as well. I may not have all of the answers but I can help you figure some things out. I may have to get other people involved or report some of the things you say that involves any harm to yourself or someone else. No matter what, we can figure out what you need
The group of students we worked with were grateful to be included in the conversation. There is a lot going on for them and they want to talk about it. They don’t want us to tell them it will be ok or to just move on, they want more than that. We won’t really know what that means for the individual young people we work with until we ask. The past few years have truly been hard on all of us but we can do this together. Listening and having open conversations about their struggles will hopefully, get the young people we know and love the help they need.
*Please make sure you are clear on your local mandatory reporting laws. These laws vary by state. Click here to learn more about mandated reporting and state by state laws.
If you are working with a young person, or young people, that are struggling, here are some resources to help find providers in your area or online:Suicide Prevention LifelinePsychologist LocatorAnxiety & Depression Association of America Therapist DirectoryAmerican Psychiatric Association FinderBetter Help
Recent Posts We Know Our Teens Are Suffering But Do We Know How We Can Help? Roommates and Boundaries: How to Maintain Dignity Webinar – Anxiety: Help! I’m Freaking Out! with Megan Saxelby
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June 3, 2021
Roommates and Boundaries: How to Maintain Dignity
About the Author: Gabriella Spina is a sophomore at The George Washington University where she studies International Affairs and Computer Science. She is on the Cultures Advisory Board.
Roommates and Boundaries: How to Maintain Dignity By Gabriella Spina
My roommate and I moved in together after only sharing a thirty-minute FaceTime call, and all we knew about each other was who was bringing the Keurig and who wanted the desk by the window.
I have always lived in a full house, so I assumed I was in an advantageous position moving in with a random roommate; however the transition of living in a new city, spending the majority of my time indoors due to the pandemic, and co-existing with someone new, provided unfamiliar challenges I wasn’t equipped to handle. I had always prided myself with being a neutral (even good, sometimes) roommate, but I quickly learned that my habits, lifestyle, and boundaries at home were “good” because they had been clearly established. Expectations my parents set with me such as immediately cleaning used dishes and maintaining your own space were not expectations others shared. I quickly found myself frustrated: why is there a dirty pan still on the stove? Does the salt really need to stay out? Can we try to keep shoes in the closet? I found these expectations I was imposing on my roommate to be intuitive, but upon further reflection, they may have been unfair. And regardless if they were fair or not and how people are raised to live with others, identifying the problem is just the start. The real challenge is knowing how to handle the conflict with dignity.
Creating boundaries and having uncomfortable conversations is incredibly difficult, especially when it comes to being assertive with someone new. And while it is never too late to establish a boundary, I felt that I had waited too long. How was I supposed to explain that having the kitchen organized in a certain way allows me to feel treated with dignity after I had not addressed the issue for months? But also how was I supposed to introduce myself and immediately note my preferences in regards to tidiness and bedtime? I found myself in such a trivial cycle. I was upset with my roommate for “disrespecting me”; however, I had never explained my living expectations, so how could I be frustrated? This cycle led to internal irritation that I had not been forward with my boundaries to begin with. While in retrospect dirty dishes may have been incredibly trivial, feeling comfortable in your home is important, especially while adjusting to a new city. That being said, the ability to recognize other’s desires and comfortabilities creates a shared sense of dignity and importance that may help with a tough conversation!
What I learned is whether you’re moving in with new people or maintaining a living situation, it’s never too late to establish a boundary.
What I learned is whether you’re moving in with new people or maintaining a living situation, it’s never too late to establish a boundary. But if possible, I recommend starting early. I am not an incredibly assertive person, so given the ability to reintroduce myself to my roommate, I would ask her first if she had any non-negotiables for living with others. If that did not feel right, I would recommend a joke about dirty dishes or going to bed early. “I’m anticipating missing my dishwasher at home, so is it okay if we try to get dishes done within the day we use them?” is the first thing I said to the roommates I will have next year, as it provided clear instructions to my boundaries. For more direct people, “I feel respected when we are quiet after midnight.”
While it may not be the most intriguing note on your “looking for a roommate” post, adding what makes you feel comfortable in your living space is integral to finding others’ with complimentary styles, or those who will take notice of your requests and work hard to abide by them. While that sounds easy, it requires some internal dialogue. What makes me feel comfortable and safe in my home? A short line about how long you prefer dishes in the sink, a non-negotiable bedtime, study hours, and noise sensitivities is an easy way to begin searching for a mutually respectful living partner. Keep in mind that the small things matter, especially when it comes to your place of refuge, and creating a space where both you and your roommate feel comfortable, safe, and respected can only positively impact your co-living experiences.
Recent Posts Roommates and Boundaries: How to Maintain Dignity Webinar – Anxiety: Help! I’m Freaking Out! with Megan Saxelby Acknowledging the Pain and Celebrating the Small Moments of Joy
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