Rosalind Wiseman's Blog, page 20
April 6, 2018
How to Punish (and How Not to Punish) a Teenage Boy
By Rosalind Wiseman
Ugh. You just found out that your son has done something really bad. The kind of bad that makes you want to deny you know him.
Now what?
Sometimes your son will mess up. But it’s a moment in time. Your son isn’t doomed to be a failure or grow up to be a terrible person. All of the reasons you love them are still right there alongside whatever motivated made him do this thing you’re now dealing with.
And just like you, his feelings could be so jumbled together that it’s hard for him to sort them all out. He could be embarrassed, angry that he got caught, ashamed, in denial, or paranoid that everyone is talking behind his back or that this one mistake will forever damage his future.
Discipline, Not Punishment
Let’s begin with the words we use to approach the problem. To punish comes from the Latin word for “pain.”
As tempting as it can be to think about what will “hurt” and “get through that thick head”—we have to focus our response with the concept of “discipline,” which means “to teach.”
We want our children to realize that while everyone makes mistakes, even really big ones, there is a way back. If they face the consequences with integrity and reflect on what they did, they will be a stronger person for the experience and you will be proud of them
How to Approach Discipline
When disciplining children (either my own or my students), I frame my response in this way:
Tell them exactly what they did that was a problem.
Tell them why the specific actions they did are against your values.
Tell them specifically what privilege will be taken away and for how long (which requires that you know the child well enough to know which privilege means the most to them).
Give them a “way back”—i.e., a way to make amends that will make them and you proud.
What Not to Say
I went right to the source—teenage boys—to find out which responses from parents are not helpful. Here are some responses boys advise avoiding:
I knew it.
How could you have been so stupid? Lots of times they actually don’t know or can’t articulate why they did what they did.
What were you thinking? When adults say that to boys in this situation, it’s not usually said as a question.
I have failed as a parent. (or any similar statement)
You’re just like… (insert name of the person in your family that is perceived to be a failure or has a bad reputation)
Boys can be masters of looking like they don’t care about any discipline or punishment we give them. With parents, they shrug and tell us they don’t care. That doesn’t mean our words don’t impact them—for better or worse.
What to Say and Do Instead
Here’s what boys say is more effective:
The most pointless thing is when they ground you. When my mom sends me to my room, I don’t really care. I’m a musician, so I can always find something else to do. The most effective punishment for parents is when they take everything away from you. My mom once took my phone, my Internet, Xbox, guitars, pretty much everything. She did that so I would do this list of chores she had. It worked. –Landon, 15
No matter what, don’t hand down a punishment and then change your mind or fail to enforce it:
I got into huge trouble recently, and my parents grounded me for three months, but after a month they stopped. It’s like . . . I can’t trust them. Is that weird? But that’s what it feels like. Like I can’t trust them because they didn’t follow through. -Tom, 16
It feels like they don’t even care about what you did which makes it easier to do again – Charlie, 14
If they really mess up, here’s something you can think about saying.
I love you. You are my son. That doesn’t take away that your actions have hurt another person and you need to be held accountable. You will, in time, come to terms with what you did. Through that process I will be by your side. But I will not deny what you have done and I will deeply reflect on how we got to this place. Anytime you would like to talk to me about this, I will be here.
Moving Past the Wrongdoing
Here’s the irony. These situations can eventually build the relationship between you. When the dust settles and the initial intense feelings on both sides have subsided it’s important to reconnect with each other.
The thing is that most parents don’t really talk about why they’re doing this stuff. It makes it seem that the parent likes punishing their kid. If parents just talked, it would be so much easier. —Damion, 15
Generally, at the end of my time grounded, I have to have a conversation with my parents about the bigger picture, how to prevent myself from getting in trouble again, and just being a better person in general. If I had just gotten grounded and left it at that, to me, that wouldn’t really resonate. As much of a pain those conversations were, they were what actually stuck with me, not the grounding. – Cooper, 17
Remember these moments are a moment, not a lifetime. Focus on what you want him to learn from this experience and the process he goes through as a consequence. And while it can be so much easier to yell or disconnect, these conversations can be the most important you ever have with him.
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How to Punish (and How Not to Punish) a Teenage Boy
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This excerpt was adapted from Chapter 13: Redemption and Reconciliation in Masterminds and Wingmen and was originally published on Your Teen Magazine.
March 28, 2018
‘Lovesick’ Is A Sick Excuse For A Young Woman’s Death
Melissa and Daniel Willey announce plans to take their daughter, Jaelynn, off life support on March 22, 2018, after a fellow student shot her at Great Mills High School in Maryland. Photo BALTIMORE SUN VIA GETTY IMAGES
‘Lovesick’ Is A Sick Excuse For A Young Woman’s Death
By Rosalind Wiseman
Late last week, Jaelynn Willey’s parents made the gut-wrenching decision to take their daughter off life support. Two days earlier, a fellow student had shot her in the head at her Maryland high school, just before the start of morning classes. She was 16 years old.
According to The Associated Press, Time and other media outlets, the 17-year-old boy who killed Jaelynn did it because he was ”lovesick.” The St. Mary’s County Sheriff’s Office reported that the two had been in a relationship that had recently ended. The way the papers and the sheriff described the turn of events suggested cause and effect, as if the romantic rejection made the shooter so ill that he “snapped.” As if he had no choice but to take his father’s gun to school, find Jaelynn and end her life.
Austin Rollins was not lovesick; he was dangerously, homicidally entitled. He was a young man who believed he had the right to take the life of a young woman who did not want him. And like many who have killed the people they “love,” Rollins had no known history of mental illness. No wonder people who knew him said they were shocked by what he did.
But none of these things ― the rage, the gun, the violence, the death ― should be surprising. Even the professed shock isn’t surprising.
Teen dating violence is a widespread problem, one that gets far too little attention. According to Love is Respect, a 24-hour support resource for teens, 1 in 10 high school students has been purposefully hit, slapped or physically hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend. One in three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse at the hands of someone they date. Across all age groups, the presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500 percent.
According to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, “abusive behavior in an intimate partner relationship and mental illness are two separate entities.” Mental illness doesn’t cause someone to abuse their loved ones. And it doesn’t manifest in select relationships; it usually shows up in all of the person’s relationships ― with family members, partners, friends and colleagues.
By contrast, an abuser reserves his abuse for his primary relationship and presents a fake persona to everyone else. That’s why people are often shocked when an abuser commits violence in public.
One in three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse at the hands of someone they date.
Our collective refusal to talk about how often school shootings are fueled by young men’s anger towards their female peers is insidious. Our collective, and perhaps, willful ignorance about the link between male rage and female death is dangerous.
How many times do we have to hear a young man who is about to kill his peers record his rage towards women? Women who have rejected him, women who are “arrogant,” women who need to be put in their place? Women who are killed because, “If I can’t have you, then no one can.”
For more than 20 years, I have taught middle school and high school boys how to navigate challenges like friends who are bullies, parental expectations, social media drama, hazing and heartbreak. I have also listened to them share how frustrating it is to grow up feeling you can never back down, and being pressured to pretend you care about nothing but March Madness and Fortnite (the video game boys are obsessing over right now).
Many of our boys really are suffering under the crushing weight of defining masculinity by domination. It doesn’t make boys “soft” to admit this ― it allows them to be the men of honor they want to be. If they aren’t given the tools they need to navigate the minefield that is masculinity, they pay the price, and sometimes, so do the people around them.
Many of our boys really are suffering under the crushing weight of defining masculinity by domination.
It is not condemning all boys and young men to accurately describe the dynamics that empower some boys to bring violence bursting through our school doors. I am certain that the vast majority of young American men would do anything to stop the violence, but don’t know how.
If it’s been a while since you were a young person or attended school, or if you think you know the solutions to these problems, think again. The easy answers ― like arming teachers ― often make us feel better, but don’t actually solve the problems that bring those guns to school.
The solutions we’ve tried so far ― like installing more metal detectors and hiring more armed security personnel ― don’t decrease the likelihood of school violence, because they don’t address the core problems. To make schools safer, we need to get beyond superficial solutions to substantively address the causes of violence affecting young people.
In addition to the impact of dominating masculinity in our culture are increasing rates of depression, anxiety and isolation. The National Survey on Drug Use and Health shows that major depressive episodes among teens rose by 56 percent between 2010 and 2015. Forty-six percent more 15 to 19-year-olds committed suicide in 2015 than in 2007 — and 2.5 times as many 12 to 14-year-olds killed themselves.
Educators must begin by acknowledging that most young people see adults abuse power themselves. They see coaches who psychologically abuse their players and then tell the boys they are a “family.” They see teachers who watch fellow educators bully students and do nothing about it. The hard truth is that good adult role models are hard to find, often because we weren’t taught how to stand up to abuses of power ourselves.
Eighty-one percent of parents believe teen dating violence is not an issue, or admit they don’t know if it’s an issue.
Parents can support these efforts by supporting schools and by educating themselves. Love is Respect reports that 81 percent of parents believe teen dating violence is not an issue, or admit they don’t know if it’s an issue. An almost equal proportion weren’t able to identify signs that their child might be in an abusive relationship.
We also need to take a hard look in the mirror and ask the following: Do we express our anger to the people in our homes respectfully? Do we treat ourselves and other people with dignity when we are angry? And for those of us who have abuse and violence in our families: Have we talked appropriately with our children about it? Have we taken steps to keep our children safe?
If we want to end the violence in our schools, we have to be brave enough to face the root causes. We have to admit that sometimes, we fail to see things as they really are. The irony that’s endangering so many of our children is that as long as we are “shocked,” as long as we describe these killings as “senseless,” we will remain blind to the warning signs and fail to take action.
But if we can find the strength to really see the danger before us, we can meet it before it destroys more lives. The times call for us to be brave. Our children are calling on us to be brave. I am calling on us to be brave, so we can help future perpetrators and victims alike
This was originally published on Huffington Post.
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March 27, 2018
Finding Our Power in Difficult Discourse
Marcos is a student studying vocal performance at New York University and a member of Cultures Advisory Council. Below is his reflection on school shootings and how we can find courage in discourse to address this issue.
Finding Our Power in Difficult Discourse
By Marcos Ospina
I grew up in Colorado, the birthplace of modern American school shootings, where the consequences of Columbine run deep and damagingly in the hearts of Coloradans. It still amazes me that so many students have been shot in this country and so little has been done. Considering the sheer number of shootings this country has experienced, it would make sense that laws would change in consideration of school safety—something generally accepted as essential for children no matter class, race, or political beliefs—because we love and live for our children, right? It doesn’t seem like it. No matter, it’s up to us kids to change things, right? Maybe.
My generation is the only one that knows what it feels like to be targeted by other students in high school. My generation is the only one that knows that adults in positions of power will not take the necessary actions to keep us safe—not from an enemy abroad but from the sickness in our own communities. We live knowing that there are some adults who will mock and dismiss our demands for change. We live these truths every single day. Recently, I read an article in The New York Times that described a walkout of one in a small rural school in Wisconsin. The school had planned an assembly on kindness. The article described a lone freshman girl who had walked out and sat by a flagpole in silence for seventeen minutes, one minute for each student gunned down in Parkland just weeks ago.
My generation is the only one that knows what it feels like to be targeted by other students in high school. My generation is the only one that knows that adults in positions of power will not take the necessary actions to keep us safe—not from an enemy abroad but from the sickness in our own communities.
As I read the description of the girl, the scenario was instantly real. The flagpole was tangible, the cool air was harsh, and the girl was right in front of my eyes, stoic and silent. My reaction was visceral. I was angry. Now that I’m in my first year of college, I feel like less of a target but I’m still just as angry. No matter how low or hate-filled my peer feels, he (yes, he) should not have such access to assault rifles to take out illogical rage on my classmates, my bullies, my friends, and me.
Last weekend I participated in the March For Our Lives. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and other media showed angry teenagers demanding the importance of safe schools—whether or not the adults in their communities support their demands. As young people, we must hold the adults in our lives accountable by being relentlessly knowledgeable of who is in office and who is running to take their place. We can research who is backed by organizations like the NRA or who wants to maintain and implement common sense gun control policies. We have a duty to conduct research that is more than basic rearticulations of what we already agree with or believe we know.
Our mission, although it doesn’t seem like action, is to actually know things and not be afraid to speak about them.
It doesn’t matter if you have the money to donate to politicians or gun control advocacy organizations; words hold power, even online. It is not just teenagers who suffer from the pressure to “be chill” on social media and in school; adults, too have the same pressures. To them, though, it’s to be “diplomatic” or “appropriate.” Have you sat at a dinner table with your family or your friend’s and been informed that religion and politics shouldn’t be brought up? We can change that. Students have the right to be angry if we’re scared to even go to school and we have to make that real to our parents, teachers, and politicians. We have to make difficult, direct discourse the norm, and not an instant sign of teenage angst and rebellion. If everyone becomes less afraid of talking about the “hard” subjects, things may actually change.
I implore kids in high school and in college to spend less time trying to tell adults that we know things and to instead engage with people about those things that we know. A fact that kids in school are targets is a grisly one, but it is a fact. Because of this, the rhetoric surrounding this truth must be gritty and demanding. A term used to describe the language of politicians is doublespeak; a concept Orwell noticed and defined in Nineteen Eighty-Four. It is language that uses vagueness and question-begging as “defense of the indefensible.” The wildly loose gun control in this country is indefensible. Our political leaders continue to get away with defending it through their doublespeak. It’s time for the country to embrace a style of discourse and action that is urgent, honest, and anything but diplomatic.
If you have any questions for Marcos, email curious@culturesofdignity.com
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March 14, 2018
VIDEO: How to stand up for your decision to protest
If you have any questions or comments, please email us at curious@culturesofdignity.com
March 8, 2018
VIDEO: Deciding whether or not to join the #NeverAgain protests
The student protests/marches around gun violence are such an important moment and the way in which we conduct ourselves really matters.
Author, educator, and founder of Cultures of Dignity, Rosalind Wiseman, discusses these student protests and walkouts in wake of the school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida.
Whether you are super excited to participate, on the fence about joining, or you decide not to, it is imperative that we uphold everyone’s dignity and take ownership of our experiences.
If you have any questions or comments, please email us at curious@culturesofdignity.com
March 5, 2018
What’s wrong, and how do we help? Getting children the right mental-health support.
We used to think that only “at-risk” kids had mental-health problems. But if you are raising or educating children today, it’s understandable to worry about their emotional and psychological well being. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control report what many parents and people in education already know: “At risk” kids can be any kid, in any neighborhood, in any family.
I work with children and teens around the country, and our children are remarkably resilient. But just think for a moment about what many of them are experiencing. Middle school students in Dallas shared with me last week that they think about school shootings every day. High school students in every state where I work say they are crushed with anxiety trying to “keep up.”
The National Survey on Drug Use and Health shows that 56 percent more teens experienced a major depressive episode in 2015 than 2010. Forty-six percent more 15-to-19-year-olds committed suicide in 2015 than in 2007 — and 2½ times as many 12-to-14-year-olds killed themselves.
These are terrifying statistics for any parent. Yet it’s complicated. Kids will tell you “I’m fine” when they’re not. Or they can be inconsolable one day and then put it behind them the next. The process can make you feel as if you’re losing your mind.
And no one can prepare you when you really worry about your kids, including those times when you can’t sleep at night because you know what the problem is but you don’t know how to help them, or they’re miserable but won’t tell you why. You can be so torn between love, anger and frustration that it’s hard to know how to get the help they need.
You need a road map to help you and your child through the process.
Here are four fundamental principles to always keep in mind:
Model that asking for help is a strength and something you respect.
Give them as much control of the process as possible.
Control your natural urge to “fix” the problem.
Have faith in your child.
These principles also mean letting go — probably during a time you want to hold on as tight as you can. You have a special relationship with your child; that means when your child is upset, angry, frustrated or sad, they shouldn’t be dealing with your emotional reactions to their problems.
Your anger, anxiety or advice to fix the problem can be a distraction or even exacerbate the problem, and that’s why you are sometimes not the best person to give them advice. Ironically, the fact that we are parents sometimes stops us from being the best resource for our children. Our love and anxiety blind us to the most effective course of action.
Finding a professional
Choosing a mental-health professional takes a lot of effort. When you find one, you can be so grateful that you immediately sign your child up — whether or not the person is a good fit for them. As desperate to fix the problem as you may be, slow down. How you approach finding the right person and including your child in the process will go a long way in making your child feel that seeking help is worthwhile.
What if your child doesn’t want to see anyone?
Many young people I work with don’t want to be seen going into a counselor’s office at school. Likewise, many are reluctant to see a therapist. It’s scary to ask for help, in part because mental-health problems are still often seen as a character weakness. Some of the high-achieving young people I work with tell me they don’t want to get professional help because it will hurt their chances of being considered for leadership positions in school. No matter what the reason, if you are facing a wall of resistance, here’s what you can say:
Everyone goes through times in life where problems or feelings are just too big to handle on your own. It’s not weak to ask for help. It actually takes a tremendous amount of courage. You’re going through a tough time, and you need to talk to someone who knows more about how to handle these problems that we do. I know I can’t force you to talk to someone, and I know some therapists aren’t good at their jobs. I am asking you to do this: I’ll do some research and find a few people in the area who work with people your age. I’ll give you a list of people to choose from and you make the choice of who you want to see. You don’t need to see them forever. Just check it out a few times and see if you can find someone you think is worth your time. We will just take this one step at a time.
How do you find an expert your child will connect with?
Research therapists who specialize in children and adolescent mental health. Check online whether they’re listed in Psychology Today’s therapist network. It’s a great resource because you can read what the therapist says about their approach.
Contact each one of them to ask whether they will have a short conversation on the phone with your child — more than 10 minutes — to see whether it’s a good fit.
Don’t assume you have to find a therapist that looks like your child. If at all possible, include in your list men and women, an older person and a younger person. You never know who your child will connect with.
Ask your child to prepare their own questions so that they have a voice in the process. But just in case they don’t want to do that, here are a few they can use:
How would the therapist describe their style?
How does the therapist see their role between parent and child? For example, at what point will they notify a parent about something that has come up in a session? How do they understand mandatory reporting? You want someone who has a clear understanding of the boundaries between therapist, parent and child.
What are the therapist’s areas of specialization?
Why do they work with teens? What do they find most rewarding? What do they find most challenging?
In addition, here are some guidelines to help you:
Be aware of where you are. Even if you’re only there to pick up your child, don’t wait in the outside office area. Your child will think you are eavesdropping on their conversation — even if you aren’t. It’s also possible that you aren’t the first thing your child wants to see after a session, so just wait outside or in the car. If you have to talk to the therapist, inform your child when you’re doing it and ask them how you should so they feel respected.
Respect their privacy. Assure your child that while you would like to know how the process is working for them, you won’t ask them a “million” questions after a session. If your child wants to tell you something, that’s awesome. And whatever they do say, don’t take it personally. That’s hard, but remember that listening is being prepared to be changed by what you hear. You may learn a lot. Our children are often our greatest teachers.
Find resources and support for yourself. Taking care of yourself and having a place to process your own feelings is critical. You’re not just doing this for your child’s welfare, you’re doing it for your own as well.
None of this takes away how scary this experience can be, but be assured that you are making it better by getting them the help they need, how they need it. Remember that these are the moments when your child needs you to be by their side (maybe giving them a little bit of space) as they walk down this difficult path, knowing that they are loved, listened to and supported.
This article orginially appeared on the Washington Post here.
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The Complexities of School Shootings
Maybe None of Us Should Have Pizza
March 1, 2018
The Complexities of School Shootings
http://culturesofdignity.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/rosalind-school-shooting-podcast.mp3
This segment is from Rosalind’s interview on the Unmistakeable Podcast. Listen to the full episode here.
Image via Joe Raedle Getty Images
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February 27, 2018
Maybe None of Us Should Have Pizza
Below are her powerful thoughts on the recent school shooting Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida.
Maybe None of Us Should Have Pizza
By Claire Foley
A few months ago, I pressed my finger to the twitter app on my phone, anticipating some much needed laughter in the midst of college applications and the stress of senior fall. As I scrolled through countless memes, celebrity tweets, and funny videos, I eventually came across a tweet that read, “I mean, I love pizza, but if pizza violently killed 30,000 people a year, I’d be like ‘okay, maybe none of us should have pizza.’” I stopped for a second, considering this analogy briefly before absentmindedly favoriting the tweet and moving on. I’m a liberal person. I should agree with the anti-gun movement, right?
Before February 14th, 2018, I was desensitized. It is safe to say that my education on gun laws began and ended with the same tweet about pizza. I arrived to school every morning, and spent my days thinking about schoolwork, friends, family, college–anything except political issues. Although I was aware of the violence in our country, I never allowed myself to feel it. I watched my classmate deliver a speech about his experience with Sandy Hook, and I felt nothing. I watched a teacher I am close to struggling with a violent experience in her neighborhood, and I still couldn’t grasp the gravity of our situation. I heard about shootings in Kentucky, Michigan, Texas, Philadelphia, and Louisiana, and I still didn’t fully understand that America is broken.
“Did you see the videos? That could’ve been us.” Just minutes after I had used Snapchat to send a meaningless selfie, my friend urged me to visit online media sources and watch the Snapchat videos taken by students of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. I quickly opened the browser of my computer, intrigued by the concern in my friend’s voice. I knew there had been a shooting, but how bad was it? The few details I already knew about the tragedy would never be enough to prepare me for what I was about to see.
I finally understood.
For the next couple of hours, the search history on my computer was full. I was overwrought with the feeling that I had missed so much of what was right in front of me. I wanted to finally feel the broken heart of our country.
That could’ve been us. The words of my friend have carefully etched themselves into my mind. As I travel through the stairwell to my AP Biology class, my mind wanders far. What if a shooter entered right now? Where would we run? How would I protect myself? How would I protect others? Unfortunately, these are the questions that we must ask ourselves every day. I think of my school community as a sacred place full of trustworthy teachers, supportive parents, and talented peers. I can’t even begin to describe my love for the close community that we share. My biggest fear is that my community could someday face a horrifying danger that we could never predict. If I am scared, I can only imagine the fear that the students of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School must feel. Their bravery is admirable, but it is also wrongfully expected of them. Their right to education, a right that is promised to them by the government and values of society, has been taken away. The community of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School will be damaged forever.
That could’ve been us. The words of my friend have carefully etched themselves into my mind. As I travel through the stairwell to my AP Biology class, my mind wanders far. What if a shooter entered right now? Where would we run? How would I protect myself? How would I protect others?
It is easy to interpret what happened on February 14th, 2018 in many different ways; however, it is indisputable that the AR-15 that the shooter carried played a pivotal role in the events that transpired. It would be easy to say that the school wasn’t prepared, except for the fact that they had just undergone training in multiple active shooter drills. It would be easy to say that police forces didn’t respond quickly enough, except for the fact that the duration of the shooting only lasted 7 minutes (In the Columbine Massacre of 1999, 12 students and one teacher were killed over the course of 1 hour, and the school was not secured for another 4 hours. In the Stoneman Douglas shooting, 17 people were killed in 7 minutes). It would be easy to say that the FBI is at fault, or the parents, peers, educators, or neighbors for not being concerned with the perpetrator’s preliminary actions. Except how can you clearly discern those who are mentally ill from those who are dangerous to society when the two issues are often intertwined? Ultimately, it is easiest to say that if the attacker had never acquired a semi-automatic rifle, the 17 students and teachers would still be alive today.
I once had someone tell me that our society is roughly divided into a distribution of 20%-60%-20%. Those who occupy the lower 20% are those who are unable to be changed in the way they discriminate and hate. Those who occupy the middle 60% are those who are indifferent. Finally, those who occupy the upper 20% have the responsibility to spread acceptance and love. In essence, the issue of gun violence is ultimately a question of love or hate. Does the ability to wield unruly power outweigh the ability to love human life? Can we sacrifice our own individual rights in order to save the greater good?
Since February 14th, 2018, I am holding myself accountable. I can no longer be a part of the 60% because I am an American citizen who has the responsibility to feel, think, and act. We must all strive to escape the 60% to which we know we have fallen victim.
We, America, are broken. And until we are fixed, maybe none of us should have pizza.
If you have questions for Claire, feel free to email curious@culturesofdignity.com
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February 21, 2018
Rosalind Wiseman Speaks Out On Jill Messick’s Death
This originally appeared on the Hollywood Reporter.
On Feb. 7, Jill Messick, a film executive and producer, died by suicide in Los Angeles after a battle with depression for years. Below, Rosalind Wiseman, who authored the book Queen Bees & Wannabes that became the adaptation of Mean Girls, which Messick helped adapt, remembers her friend:
Sixteen years ago I wrote a book about girls and their social lives called Queen Bees & Wannabes. I wrote it because I wanted adults to appreciate the seemingly small things like best friend breakups, gossip and dealing with boys who make sexually explicit gestures and then dismiss you for being “uptight” when you tell him to stop — all have on girls’ emotional well being.
I had no idea that this “Girl World” I was describing would turn into the movie Mean Girls or what impact it would have on people. My friend, Jill Messick, was one of the producers of Mean Girls and from the beginning, Jill understood that while Tina Fey had written a brilliant comedic screenplay, the movie had the opportunity to shed light on girls’ friendships and how important it was (and is) for girls to support each other.
Now, sixteen years later I am still working with teens, but it is our “Adult” world that is obviously falling apart.
The #MeToo movement is long overdue. Real abuses have occurred and continue to occur in every segment of our society. The systemic abuse of power and that we have collectively ignored as so many among us are marginalized, abused and dismissed is a fundamental threat to the emotional health and physical well being of all our communities. It has been so for a long time and many more of us see the consequences now.
Jill took her life when she became caught in an adult version of the ends justifying the means in the #MeToo movement. I have seen this before. Countless times I have comforted young people who believe their life is over because someone used them to get revenge on someone else. And Jill, just like so many young people I work with, believed there was no escape.
As a woman who has advocated for women and girls empowerment my entire life, I am calling on all of us to demand integrity as we speak truth to power.
As a woman who has advocated for women and girls empowerment my entire life, I am calling on all of us to demand integrity as we speak truth to power. We must hold ourselves accountable as we seek to hold others accountable. We can not abuse the platforms from which we speak in our desire to be validated. We must treat each other, every one of us, with dignity when we bring to light these abuses. And when our moral compass has gone off course, the only way to begin to make it right is to acknowledge the impact of our actions.
As I say to my students, being honorable doesn’t matter when you’re getting along with people. It’s the moments when you have made mistakes, when you are angry, when you think you are in the right and you are tempted to lash out, that who you are, your character, your honor, matter most. That is what strong principled women do. We uphold the dignity, the worth of all people — whoever they are.
That is what we all must do. Let’s honor Jill’s life by demanding to see the dignity in all.
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February 16, 2018
Be Courageous // Response to Parkland School Shooting
On February 14th 2018, 17 people were shot dead at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School when 19-year-old, Nikolas Cruz open fired on his classmates and educators. Today, we need to find our courage and speak up:
Our job is to speak out so other young people see what we stand for and it gives them a little bit more confidence to do so themselves.
Social Courage is when a person acts to right a wrong; understanding by doing so they risk losing their inclusion in a group. We ask our politicians after yet another mass school shooting to have the social courage to do what’s right. While your sympathy and prayers may be well meaning they are meaningless without your courage and will to risk your position, power, and association with powerful groups who will not allow us to have sensible gun safety protections. Be courageous.
Recent Posts
Be Courageous // Response to Parkland School Shooting
Social Media Armor: Are You Really What You Post?
Putting Feelings To Words: A Conflict Management Strategy
