Cate Ellink's Blog, page 37

Wildlife Wednesday - more fish

Phallic Friday - libido

This week's article of inspiration can be found here. It's about libido - particular mismatched libido with partners. But then I saw another post (here) which is along a similar theme - about how the happiest couples have sex once a week.

There have been quite a lot of news.com.au articles about the amount of sex you're 'supposed' to have in recent months (I always keep an eye out for such things for Fridays) and they're beginning to really annoy me. One of the things I firmly believe is EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.

Sure someone can sprout forth that the happiest couples have weekly sex, others will turn around and say if they don't have daily sex their not happy, where others will tell you sex doesn't make them happy. No one is right. Everyone is different.

I've never had a partner with a perfectly matched libido. Some have wanted more sex than I did, some wanted less, but if you're in a relationship, I think one of the keys is discussion, and another, compromise.

The guy who wanted more sex than I could manage was happy with any form of sex - so blow jobs, hand jobs, massages, anything really, were enough to keep him happy. And that kept me happy. I could be inventive and imaginative, in words and actions and his needs were met. Kept me interested and both of us happy.

The guy who wanted less sex than I wanted, well, we found other ways to keep each other happy in the relationship that weren't sexual (talking, walking, shared activities/interests, family) and I had my trusty vibrator for use when he wasn't around (he felt inferior if I used it with him - fair enough).

In both cases, we talked and adapted. Everyone's different and we needed to work around that.

Not only are people different but lots of things affect libido - not only factors in your relationship but factors outside it too. So your sexual needs may change over time, from week to week, or year to year. So long as you're both happy, does it really matter how much sex you have?

I like sex for intimacy and at first, with the guy who wanted lots, I felt much closer to him than to the guy who wasn't so keen on sex. But I realised there were other ways to achieve intimacy than just sex. It did mean a shift in my thoughts, though, and that wasn't an easy task :)

So, whatever your relationship gives you, whatever you're willing to compromise on, whatever you're happy with is exactly the right amount of sex for you. If that's once an hour, once a day, once a month, once a year, or we had sex once, I don't think it matters. Do what's right for you. Everyone's different.

How do you feel?

Wildlife Wednesday - fish

Some fish today from Green Island near Cairns.

Sunday Story - Exhibition

I've just read Nicolette Hugo's Exhibition. This is her second book, after The Arrangement.

I started reading Exhibition on the train after a stressful day. I was looking to escape my head which was busy processing stuff from the day. This story made me forget my day. When I got home, I read a couple more pages before my eyes gave up on me. Then a few hours later, I woke up and had to finish it (kind of eye interval!).

I don't often get quite so caught up in a book as to wake up and continue reading it. But there was something about the heroine, Grace, that caught my imagination/attention.

Grace had a traumatic childhood event that has left her emotionally scarred. As a coping mechanism, she likes to keep her distance from people by hiding in plain sight. Added to this, exhibitionism calls to her. She sees it as a dark side she wants to ignore, but can't. She's not a whole person if she ignores this sexual need.

A chance encounter at a BDSM party with a Dom who 'sees' people's needs, exposes Grace to more than she expected. Her unraveling begins.

As we learn about Grace, I became deeper and deeper involved in her story. She's a fascinating character and the struggle within her to accept her needs was incredibly depicted.

I think my recent exploration into a variety of fetishes made this book richer for me. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I loved Grace's strength and her vulnerability. I loved her fear and her need. I loved how she wanted to hide but needed to be seen. Grace is fascinating.

And don't get me started on Jason, the hero. Holy hell.

Exhibition was fascinating. I'm looking forward to whatever Nicolette Hugo has in store next.

Phallic Friday - make love not porn

I read an article through the week about the changing face of the porn industry, if you're interested you can find it here. The article is about Cindy Gallop, a former advertising exec, who has a website called, Make Love Not Porn (http://www.makelovenotporn.com/) which "aims to make sex socially acceptable".

Amen to that!

The article intrigued me and so I went to check out the website. At first there's a disclaimer (and it needs a good proofreader) but upon entering, I was a bit shocked by the pinkness. I'm not a fan of pink...and I'd guess half the population at least aren't too fond of pink...which made me wonder how many people are going to hang around on an ultra pink website. But that's only my pet-hate, right?

There's a whole heap of Fact vs Fiction (or Porn vs Real World) things at the start and they're good. Things like - Anal sex is fine in porn; but in real life not everyone likes it. Pubic hair is never in porn; but up to personal taste in real life, which varies person to person. In porn, camera angles mean often on genitals touch; in real life skin on skin is what a lot of people enjoy. I like those facts. Simple. Real. Not preachy.

The site doesn't aim to denigrate porn or make judgements. It's a site for discussion, open-mindedness, and to show there are different ways to have healthy sex.

There's a section for watching real life sex videos, and for uploading these for others to watch. There's a t-shirt to buy and an e-book. there's space to send in your ideas and requests for corporate investment.

There are a lot of comments listed on the site by people in their 20s, so I guess that's the target market.

I hope the site does well. The porn industry is huge and there's easy access to it now with online content. When I was young it was so difficult to access any sexual information, so I'm glad that it's more freely available. I'm also glad to see someone making sex real. The 'studio-ness' of porn has always been one of my bugbears.

All people are different. All people like different things. These are great messages to get across. I hope it remains non-judgemental, open and real.

Wildlife Wednesday - peacocks

These photos are taken at the zoo, but peacocks can be domesticated, like chooks. I lived on a farm a while back and the lady had a peacock, Cheeky, and for the first week every time he called, I thought someone was being killed. For a stunningly beautiful male bird, they have a shocking voice!
The colours of peacocks really intrigue me. They are so spectacularly beautiful, the colours are almost iridescent - in the male anyway. The females are poor drab things... but they get to choose their mate from his awesome display of tail feathers - and I don't know that lugging around all those feathers and then standing them up and making them shimmer, would be much fun!

A male's tail is more than 60% of the bird's total body length, according to the National Geographic (here). It doesn't say what the weight of that massive tail is relative to the bird's weight, but that would be something I'd be interested to see! Although, Cheeky was never hampered by his tail. He roosted in the same branch up in the tree near the shearing shed whether he was lugging that tail or not.

Everyone takes photos of the front of the tail with it's magnificent display of colour and patterns, but I think the rear of the tail is quite and impressive sight too (and this bird just wasn't going to let me get a front on shot, he kept turning as I walked around him). Those brown feathers at the base are quite striking, as is the black with white fluff above it, and then the white 'backbones' of those feathers really gives you a good idea of how many feathers make up that tail. And the hints of colour are there in the wisps, it's just not as magnificently coloured as being in front.

I used to collect Cheeky's tail feathers and I had a vase full of them, they were stunning. And then someone told me they were unlucky and had such a flip that I tossed them out. I'm sorry I did that because superstition isn't something I usually worry about, and I think those colours are incredible - even if the tail is excessively showy! :)

Are you a fan of peacocks? Are you superstitious?

Phallic Friday - first impressions

I was chuckling at this article the other day - you can access it here - listing the guys you're likely to meet on Tinder. Let me list the types of guys they included:
Topless guy - always photos without shirtCute Puppy Guy - photos with dogs, adorable dogsMultiple people in my profile pic - so maybe you'll just glance and think we're all hotCorporate loser guy - photo taken in a bar wearing a suitMe with a famous person guy - photos that say, "check out what great company I keep"Me and my hot friend guy - photos where maybe you'll mistake me for my hot mateI'm always surrounded by hot babes guy - photos with lots of attractive women Selfie guy - photos you've taken of yourself (often naked).
This list made me laugh, and cringe. In general, we make such snap judgements on first impressions, even with photographs. Profile photographs on a dating site (kind of like author pics) must be the most difficult thing to decide upon - if you think about it for more than a moment.

I think too much about this sort of thing. A selfie is, for me, the simplest and easiest way to get a profile shot...but it's not easy to take a selfie. So, what do you do? Ask a friend to take a shot for you? I had to do this once for a work colleague (for a work shot, not a Tinder profile) and I found it really difficult. What I thought was a good shot, he hated, and vice versa. I thought a 'location' shot was kind of staged and tacky, a big toothy smile was too much, but that's what he wanted and that's what I took - it was for him after all, what did my opinion matter? But doing that made me realise that we all have different interpretations of what we see. When I saw tacky and goofy, he saw warm, friendly, and works in that location.

It makes me remember a clothes party I went to where this busty girl tried on a shirt. She came out saying, "Man, I'll take this. Check how great it makes my boobs look." Her Mum agreed with her and happily forked out the money for said shirt. I was sitting there hoping to heck she'd buy it a few sizes larger so the buttons didn't pop off as they strained to hold the fabric across her boobs. Where I looked and saw a shirt too small, she looked and saw her great assets.

And maybe this article is written by someone like me - cynical - and not by someone who wants to look warm and friendly, or happy with their mates, or comfortable with fame or attractive women.

They say, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and maybe first impressions are just the same.

Wildlife Wednesday - sugar glider

Back at Shoalhaven Zoo, and another cute critter we met was the Sugar Glider.

These guys are tiny - the top photo is an adult Sugar Glider in the hands of the adult zoo keeper (yes, he of the snake kissing!). The bottom photo has a 4 year old's hand patting the same Glider. So they're little.

And soft.

Koalas have soft fur, so do possums, but the Sugar Glider's was so soft it was almost like you weren't touching anything. Like when you wipe your finger through Fairy Floss (Candy Floss/Cotton Candy for any Americans; hope I have that name right for spun sugar).

And the tail was all fluff and no substance. You could hardly feel anything there. It was an odd experience.

If you want some information on Gliders, you can find some here on the NSW Government website.

Sugar Gliders have a membrane along either side of their body, from the fifth finger to the first toe. This membrane allows them to leap from a branch and glide across a distance of up to 50m to another branch.

They require tree hollows for shelter. Their diet consists of gum/sap from wattles and some eucalypts, invertebrates and exudates from invertebrates. They live in social groups of up to 7 adults and their young, and share a common nest. When the young are 7-10 months old, they go off on their own to start a new social group with other 'booted' youngsters. Owls, kookaburras, goannas and cats often make meals from these youngsters on the move (ref: The Australian Museum Complete Book of Australian Mammals).

We have lots of trees around my place and I'd like to imagine families of Sugar Gliders around here - but they're so tiny (and generally nocturnal) that I don't think I have a hope of seeing one, except at the zoo!

Sunday Story - So Far Into You

 My good writing friend and blog visitor, Lily Malone, has her new book out and it's an absolute gem. Check it out if you like gorgeous characters, a great story, wine, dogs, WA and/or SA. 
So Far Into You.
In a nutshell:Remy doesn't have much, and Seth has everything. Even though he'd like to share that with Remy, his horrible mother isn't going to let that happen. By chance they meet again, but can their past conflicts be overcome?
The heroine: Remy is so gorgeous, unassuming, hard-working, independent and she really doesn't have a nasty bone in her body. She's a very worthy heroine.
The Hero: Seth may be well-off but he's working hard to grow a wine business. Remy brings out the best in Seth whenever they're together. They make a great pair if they can work things out.
Lily Malone has a fabulous way with words. I found some of her descriptions just brought something straight to mind, or made me laugh, or had me admiring her craft. Here are some of the fabulous lines from So Far Into You -

"Her dress was the colour of a ripe slice of watermelon.""...stare at the way her nipples fought the fabric...""...Arum lilies everywhere, white heads popping up like a thousand swans.""...her tummy fluttering like warm silk ribbons in a breeze.""She was a goddamn lawsuit waiting to paper-plane through the door and land writ-side up on his desk""A winter's ghost stole summer from the sun""...She liked gardens how she liked her pubic hair: all clipped and trimmed, with nice neat edges. Remy's garden looked like David Attenborough might pop out from behind a bush at any moment with some rare bug clinging to his finger."

I think this book is my favourite of Lily's .... and I'm especially glad there was not one mention of vomit or descriptions of it either (her last story had a vividly described scene)...now that's a five star review from me ;)

Phallic Friday - Animal magnetism

This week I saw another submission call that's piqued my interest - I must stop looking at these!! You can find it here if you're interested.

A publisher is looking for "Stories about men drawn together over their love of animals".

Can you see why that interests me? I could link Wildlife Wednesdays with Phallic Fridays and in one story :)

It can be from 20K to 60K and not due until July 2016. So I've time to think, and write... but what?

What animal to choose? How do you pick just one? Or do I create a story about a croc hunting team, sort of Crocodile Dundee meets Steve Irwin but leave out the female characters? Or maybe I think about last week's posts and do a couple of make zoo keepers who bond over a snake they both kiss...and maybe they'll discover other snakes that like kisses. :)

I could write something like Brokeback Mountain, but with a happy ending. Or Water For Elephants with all male characters. Maybe Gerald Durrel or James Herriot could inspire my lead.

This is how my story ideas start. I'm no planner, but my mind goes into a frenzy of ideas. Drawing an idea, tossing it around, discarding it. This can go on for days and days, weeks even. Then something might stick. I'll get some words down, then it might fade to nothing. I'll have something else burn brightly in my mind, but words aren't there. Finally, something will happen and a scene will materialise in my mind that words spill out about it. Then they keep coming and coming. Sometimes it will stall, and I'll write something else for a bit, then off they go again. More words. And that's the bit I find the most fun, although it does sound quite awful when I write it like that!

It's after the words have spilled when I struggle. I have to somehow turn the words I have into something smooth, with well depicted characters who have proper motivation. I have to make sure there's a believable story on the page, not lost in my head. I have to ensure the translation from my mind to the page can be followed by someone else. And that part is tedious and boring for me. My fun is in finding the story, working out what's going to happen to who.

So men, bonding over animals... two men, or three? Lots of animals or one sort? Is a woman involved or not? A short story or something bigger?

Oh, and the fetish story. Yeah, still working on that! It's why I should never look at these submission calls. Why I shouldn't let myself get distracted by a new idea. Focus. Fetish story. But animals...

What animals would you write about? And who would be your characters?