Sherry Ellis's Blog, page 136
September 5, 2011
Bone Museum
My husband made a nice rack of ribs for our Labor Day celebration.
The kids gobbled them right up. Not a scrap of meat was left on those bones.
My seven-year-old son had a pile of about eight bones sitting on his plate when he was done.
"Make sure you throw those in the garbage," I said.
"No. I'm saving them."
"Why are you saving bones?"
"I have a collection."
"You do?"
"Yeah. For my bone museum."
The kids gobbled them right up. Not a scrap of meat was left on those bones.
My seven-year-old son had a pile of about eight bones sitting on his plate when he was done.
"Make sure you throw those in the garbage," I said.
"No. I'm saving them."
"Why are you saving bones?"
"I have a collection."
"You do?"
"Yeah. For my bone museum."
September 4, 2011
The German Shredder Strikes Again
"Mom, the picnic table is knocked over and the umbrella is in pieces!" my nine-year-old daughter announced, looking out the window.
"Uh oh," I said. I walked over to the French doors and looked out. The table was indeed on its side. The chairs were knocked over, and the umbrella was most definitely in pieces. The culprit? Our wonderful German Shepherd "puppy."
"Schultz!"
He ran to to farthest corner of the backyard. He knew he was in serious trouble. I grabbed the dog by his scruff and hauled him to his crate.
I think it's time for the shock collar!
"Uh oh," I said. I walked over to the French doors and looked out. The table was indeed on its side. The chairs were knocked over, and the umbrella was most definitely in pieces. The culprit? Our wonderful German Shepherd "puppy."
"Schultz!"
He ran to to farthest corner of the backyard. He knew he was in serious trouble. I grabbed the dog by his scruff and hauled him to his crate.
I think it's time for the shock collar!
September 3, 2011
Sugar Water
My nine-year-old daughter was rummaging through the refrigerator, trying to find something to drink. She stumbled upon a Gatorade container with liquid inside.
Now, this Gatorade container was supposed to have an orange beverage inside. The label was clearly marked.
My daughter didn't seem to notice that little detail.
She poured herself a glass and guzzled it down.
I saw her when she was putting the container back.
"Did you just drink that?" I asked.
"Yeah, why?"
"It's not Gatorade."
"It's not?"
"No. It's hummingbird water. See, it says 'hummingbird water.'"
She turned a pale shade of grey. "Am I going to die?"
"No, but you might have a little buzz. That stuff was sugar water."
"No wonder it tasted good. I'm going to have more!"
Not!
Now, this Gatorade container was supposed to have an orange beverage inside. The label was clearly marked.
My daughter didn't seem to notice that little detail.
She poured herself a glass and guzzled it down.
I saw her when she was putting the container back.
"Did you just drink that?" I asked.
"Yeah, why?"
"It's not Gatorade."
"It's not?"
"No. It's hummingbird water. See, it says 'hummingbird water.'"
She turned a pale shade of grey. "Am I going to die?"
"No, but you might have a little buzz. That stuff was sugar water."
"No wonder it tasted good. I'm going to have more!"
Not!
September 2, 2011
Blueprint for a Jet Pack
"Mommy," my seven-year-old son said, "I made a blueprint for a jet pack that would fly a million people!" He waved a notebook paper with scribbley lines and stick figures on it in front of me.
"Really? Tell me about it," I said.
"You need 10 metal poles, 641 wooden planks, 10 plastic sticks, and a rope. See - the poles fit together and the rope ties here."
"I see."
"It's as big as a playground, that's why it can hold a million people."
"Uh huh."
"Oh, and I forgot one more important thing."
"What?"
"The smiley face sticker that goes right in the middle!"
"Really? Tell me about it," I said.
"You need 10 metal poles, 641 wooden planks, 10 plastic sticks, and a rope. See - the poles fit together and the rope ties here."
"I see."
"It's as big as a playground, that's why it can hold a million people."
"Uh huh."
"Oh, and I forgot one more important thing."
"What?"
"The smiley face sticker that goes right in the middle!"
September 1, 2011
Doggy Toy
This morning, I took my German Shepherd out to go potty. As soon as he was out the door, he noticed a locust lyiing on its back on the patio. I knew that poor locust didn't have a chance. The varmint poked him with his big snoot.
The locust buzzed.
The dog pounced.
The locust buzzed again.
"Hey, dumb locust. Just stay still and he'll leave you alone," I said.
Apparently, the locust didn't understand a word I said. It buzzed again.
The dog pounced.
And that was the end of the locust.
The locust buzzed.
The dog pounced.
The locust buzzed again.
"Hey, dumb locust. Just stay still and he'll leave you alone," I said.
Apparently, the locust didn't understand a word I said. It buzzed again.
The dog pounced.
And that was the end of the locust.
August 31, 2011
Milk Mustache
There's a new model for those milk mustache ads you see in magazines. "Who?" you ask. My eleven-month-old German Shepherd!
Today, my daughter left her half-full glass of milk on the kitchen table when she left the room.
A few minutes later, I heard a really strange slurping sound. I went into the kitchen to investigate.
That ninety-pound beast had his paws up on the table and his black snoot in the glass of milk.
"Schultz!" I bellowed.
He lifted his head and proudly displayed his milk mustache.
So when you're looking through those magazines, be sure to look for the new hairy milk model.
Today, my daughter left her half-full glass of milk on the kitchen table when she left the room.
A few minutes later, I heard a really strange slurping sound. I went into the kitchen to investigate.
That ninety-pound beast had his paws up on the table and his black snoot in the glass of milk.
"Schultz!" I bellowed.
He lifted his head and proudly displayed his milk mustache.
So when you're looking through those magazines, be sure to look for the new hairy milk model.
August 30, 2011
Tooth Fairy Sleeping on the Job
My son lost another tooth yesterday. That meant another visit from the tooth fairy.
Now, the tooth fairy was really tired, and her mind wasn't really on her job. At about midnight, she thought it was time to go to bed. She crawled into bed, pulled the covers over her, and fell asleep.
Then she had a crazy dream about Santa Claus delivering Christmas presents.
She awoke with a start. "Oh my gosh, I almost forgot!"
She dashed into my son's bedroom, knocked over a few things in her haste, and quickly delivered the cash.
Fortunately, my son was sawing logs, so he didn't hear any of it.
"Whew!" she said. "That was a close one!"
Now, the tooth fairy was really tired, and her mind wasn't really on her job. At about midnight, she thought it was time to go to bed. She crawled into bed, pulled the covers over her, and fell asleep.
Then she had a crazy dream about Santa Claus delivering Christmas presents.
She awoke with a start. "Oh my gosh, I almost forgot!"
She dashed into my son's bedroom, knocked over a few things in her haste, and quickly delivered the cash.
Fortunately, my son was sawing logs, so he didn't hear any of it.
"Whew!" she said. "That was a close one!"
August 28, 2011
Mosquito Repellant
My seven-year-old son likes to play in the woods behind our house. Unfortunately, mosquitos also like to play in the woods behind our house.
"Mommy, the mosquitos are really biting today," he said. "My friend has so many bites, he's bleeding."
"That's terrible," I said. "Your friend should wear some OFF mosquito repellant. You should, too."
"I don't need OFF," he said.
"Why not?"
"I'm not getting bitten."
"Why not?"
"I do a little dance that keeps mosquitos away." He demonstrated a little jig. "See, it works great!"
Hmmm. A mosquito jig. Maybe I'll try that next time I go into the woods.
"Mommy, the mosquitos are really biting today," he said. "My friend has so many bites, he's bleeding."
"That's terrible," I said. "Your friend should wear some OFF mosquito repellant. You should, too."
"I don't need OFF," he said.
"Why not?"
"I'm not getting bitten."
"Why not?"
"I do a little dance that keeps mosquitos away." He demonstrated a little jig. "See, it works great!"
Hmmm. A mosquito jig. Maybe I'll try that next time I go into the woods.
August 27, 2011
The Coconut
I would never survive if I was stranded on an island. Why? Because I have the hardest time cracking the tough shells of coconuts.
My daughter had the brilliant idea of purchasing a coconut from the produce section. "Oh, Mom, it would be so cool to drink coconut milk straight from a coconut!"
I reluctantly agreed to give it a try.
I read the instructions on the label. It said, "pierce eyes with an icepick." Who the heck has an ice pick around here? I mean, if you lived in the Yukon, maybe you''d have an icepick laying around. At least I figured out what they were talking about when they said, "eyes."
I rummaged through my husband's toolbox to see if I could find anything that might work as an icepick. I found a hammer and some screwdrivers. "Good enough," I thought.
I went to work piercing the eyes. I did a pretty good job with that part, except I was expecting coconut milk to flow out of them. No such luck. Hmmm. Something was very wrong.
Then I proceeded to hack away at the shell, attempting to break it.
I won't go through all the details, but let's just say it wasn't easy, even with my icepick hammer and screwdriver.
When I finally got the shell cracked, I discovered the coconut was old and rotted. No wonder it had no milk in it! That darn thing was probably sitting around for ten years in the grocery store!
So not only is it difficult for me to break open a coconut, I can't even pick a good one. Pretty pathetic!
My daughter had the brilliant idea of purchasing a coconut from the produce section. "Oh, Mom, it would be so cool to drink coconut milk straight from a coconut!"
I reluctantly agreed to give it a try.
I read the instructions on the label. It said, "pierce eyes with an icepick." Who the heck has an ice pick around here? I mean, if you lived in the Yukon, maybe you''d have an icepick laying around. At least I figured out what they were talking about when they said, "eyes."
I rummaged through my husband's toolbox to see if I could find anything that might work as an icepick. I found a hammer and some screwdrivers. "Good enough," I thought.
I went to work piercing the eyes. I did a pretty good job with that part, except I was expecting coconut milk to flow out of them. No such luck. Hmmm. Something was very wrong.
Then I proceeded to hack away at the shell, attempting to break it.
I won't go through all the details, but let's just say it wasn't easy, even with my icepick hammer and screwdriver.
When I finally got the shell cracked, I discovered the coconut was old and rotted. No wonder it had no milk in it! That darn thing was probably sitting around for ten years in the grocery store!
So not only is it difficult for me to break open a coconut, I can't even pick a good one. Pretty pathetic!
August 26, 2011
Frisbee Dog
Our German Shepherd likes to chase things.
Today's game of chase involved a frisbee. My kids and I were playing a nice game of frisbee when that stinkin' varmint came busting out of the house.
"Daddy!" the kids cried. "Why did you let him out?"
"He wants to play."
We attempted to continue the game. Let's just say it didn't work out so well. When we were done, the frisbee had three holes punched through it.
I wonder whose teeth did that? (Not mine!)
Today's game of chase involved a frisbee. My kids and I were playing a nice game of frisbee when that stinkin' varmint came busting out of the house.
"Daddy!" the kids cried. "Why did you let him out?"
"He wants to play."
We attempted to continue the game. Let's just say it didn't work out so well. When we were done, the frisbee had three holes punched through it.
I wonder whose teeth did that? (Not mine!)
