Z. Allora's Blog, page 28

Showing The Spectrum

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not a bit too neurotic in showing the spectrum.

Recently labels have been getting a lot of attention. Whether you see labels as great or terrible isn't what I'm going to debate... (My personal feelings on labels since you're wondering... oh you're not? Well, skim on ahead then... Labels can be good or bad based on how they are applied and what they are used for. Good if it helps find a community & an identity and bad if used to pathologize or exclude).

Labels are HERE. People slap labels on people whether we want them or not. At times, accuracy doesn't seem to be a determining factor in their application. I want to direct your focus on the spectrum within labels themselves.

There's a spectrum to everything. Each and every label has a range. Take this tube labeled Carmine Red:







I studied Chinese Brush Stroke Watercolor in Suzhou for about five years. Carmine Red was the go-to-color. It produced the lightest shade of pink I'd ever seen to the boldest fire red I could have imagined and all that diversity came from the same tube labeled Carmine Red.

When I'm writing a character sexual orientation is an important building block to the character's development (along with a host of other things). I tend not to stop at the basic tick off rainbow boxes of LGBT. I dig deeper. How does the character express it? What's their relationship to their sexuality? Where are they on the spectrum of within that sexual label? Are there other things they identity with that shape and redefine how they see this label? What do others think of this label? Has this label evolved over time?

I tend to not assign only one character a specific notch on the given spectrum. I'm driven to show the variation within the spectrum. So usually two or more characters (within different books and across my series) will have similar labels attached to them. It's an easy way to explore the variations within any given label.  (Psst, between you and me: when someone says well I'm X and this is how X is=it drives me insane... um, that's how X is for you and you might even be the average for X but I twitch a little because we can't invalidate other Xs who aren't exactly like how you are X. RIGHT?)

Josh (The Dark Angels: Tied Together) & Dusty (The Dark Angels: Finally Fallen): Both demi-sexual but Josh doesn't even think past his love interest to an orientation where Dusty's bi-sexual with strong preferences toward men.

Boon-nam & Lalana: (Illusions & Dreams): Both women are transgender. Boon-nam needed affirmation surgery to live an authentic life where as Lalana did not need to live and love. 

Dare (The Dark Angels: With Wings) & Dusty (The Dark Angels: Finally Fallen): Bi-sexual and were in denial... Dare struggles to accept a new label (and after 4 books he's still not settled with it...) while Dusty shrugs and wears it almost immediately.

Justin (The Dark Angels: Finally Fallen) & Adirake (Illusions & Dreams): Both guys crossdress and neither are transgender. Justin uses gender bending his clothing as a way to deal with a horrible past and Adirake is a performer.

Robin (The Dark Angels: Tied Together) & Cutter (Club Zombie: Zombies Suck): Both are into BDSM. Cutter uses it as an escape... a break from life. Robin needs it as part of his life.

Jake (Illusions & Dreams) & Xander (Lock and Key coming out in July): are pansexual... Jake is very sexually expressive (he literally fucked a hole) where Xander is monogamous and shy.

Walker & Lafayette (Club Zombie: Zombies Suck): Both are Doms but their submissives need something very different so the expression of their dominant sides appears different.

Okay, let's circle back around to the bathroom issue & why I flip out when people use the "Do You Want Him In The Women's Room" argument. (To be clear if you haven't seen my rants on this topice you've been under a rock or avoiding me... I FULLY SUPPORT people using the bathroom matching their gender identity. I don't freaking care what's in your pants just hand me toilet paper if I need it, don't talk on your cell phone, and flush.) There's a wide spectrum of what someone who is transgender looks like for a host of reasons.  I don't think any of us are in a position to police anyone else's gender identity. (Fuck me there's a wide range of what any of us look like!!!)

If I'm honest I think I buck the binary and worship the edges of any spectrum because that's where I usually find myself.

May we all appreciate spectrum and the variations within it. Invalidate no one...

Hugs, Z.

Cuckolding

So what is cuckolding? I'm going to have my assistant YouTube explain it to you.
Trying super hard to finish a manuscript.
Enjoy!!!
Hugs, Z.

Words Can Have A LOOONNG Reach

Words matter...  We know that.

That's why according to investopedia Coke spent "a total $3.499 billion in 2014, $3.266 billion in 2013 and $3.342 billion in 2012."((http://www.investopedia.com/articles/...))

It's hard not to absorb the advertising that sex is bad...  What is slut shaming? "Slut-shaming is the experience of being labeled a sexually out-of-control girl or woman (a “slut” or “ho”) and then being punished socially for possessing this identity. Slut-shaming is sexist because only girls and women are called to task for their sexuality, whether real or imagined; boys and men are congratulated for the exact same behavior. This is the essence of the sexual double standard: Boys will be boys, and girls will be sluts." Leora TanenbaumAuthor of “I Am Not a Slut: Slut-Shaming in the Age of the Internet” 
Ms. Tanenbaum ends the article,"...slut-shaming is not really about women’s sexuality. It is grounded in the belief that men get to assert themselves, and women do not. It may be getting a lot of attention these days, but slut-shaming is really just a catchy way to signify old-fashioned sexism." ((You can find the entire article here:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/leora-tanenbaum/the-truth-about-slut-shaming_b_7054162.html)) My Own Experience Being Called a Slut*1st time the boys at the park figured out it was a person assigned female at birth that was kicking their 14 yr-old asses in basketball.
*When I questioned my friends who was having sex about why didn't they tell their boyfriends what felt good to them so they could enjoy it as well...
*On my way into Planned Parenthood for my 1st gyn
*A time or two when I didn't feel the need to get someone off who didn't make any attempt on behalf of my orgasm.
*When family members found out what I read...
*When family members and a couple of friends found out what I wrote...
*Every time I see a poll about sex in romance books...The usually the majority claim sex isn't that important... (to which I strongly need to disagree!)
*When a boyfriend was threatened by my interest in BDSM...
*All the other various times the word was tossed at me or those near me
*Anytime someone's actions equated to that kind of judgment...
*When a publisher identifies as being "clean" and providing "guilt-free" romance reading but makes it clear BDSM isn't something they publish>>> assume that people who are into it are dirty and guilty... (I'm good with that right... there loss  >>>>> I had much more of an issue with when their submission requirements ban gay characters it has thus change it's wording to no LBGT themes...)

Epic Fail... I internalized the negativeI'm shocked and ashamed that I internalized the negative dialogue society has given to the world about BDSM. I was doing edits for my upcoming release Lock and Key (July 15, 2016!!!!! BSDM world revolving around Entwined the BDSM club of my dreams... anyway)...  My editor pointed out I used the word "normal" for a non-BDSM centered relationship, which implied the BDSM relationship was abnormal. I was horrified! (I've been a happily love slave for many many many years.) How could I consider my relationship anything other than beautiful... then I looked around at all the messages force fed to me... How many TV shows and movies make BDSM a weird/odd/dangerous/deadly/anything but normal lifestyle? How many times did I see a face of disgust being made when I admitted my interest/participation/fucking downright LOVE for BDSM? Countless...

I had drank the Kool-Aid and it has seeped into my psyche. Somehow I ingested the negative dialogue even when I know better (Proof of my very existence)

What Can I Do?I can be mindful of how these negative ideas and images free float in the world and if I'm able I'll address them. Be it racism, homophobia, sexism, ageism, transphobia, anti-sex... If I can speak out and up I will.

I need to watch what I put into the world (& work with people who are able to catch such slips).

Words matter and have a long reach. I'll try to be mindful of their power.

Many hugs,
Z. Allora

(Psst, you can do the same if you want!)

Transgender Rights & the bathroom laws

Yesterday, Leslie (co-founder of PFLAG's Greenville South Carolina Chapter 23 years ago), Jenifer and I headed off to Columbia for the hearings on 1203 bathroom law (which would force people into bathrooms based on their assigned sex at birth and not their gender identity) and transgender rally.

Due to the number of people who were supporting the transgender community and the decision to have the hearing in a room that wouldn't hold 30 people we hung out downstairs. We did meet and shake hands with Columbia's mayor who thanked us for showing our support. He believed this bill will die (but we need to make sure we crush it).

The main argument I've heard for this bill is it makes people unsafe (especially cis-gender women and children).

This position is based on a lot of fear, and a forgetfulness that there current laws in place to deal with people who are inappropriate in a bathroom.  Please take the time to follow this video link:



                                                    Incredible Video by Tucker FitzGerald




Hugs, Z. 

Gay For You, Out For You, Bisexual, Heteroflexible, Homoflexible... What's in a label?

 Labels can be wonderful and reinforcing helping people connect with others who share some of the same qualities they do...
But we shouldn't label someone else nor should we attempt to correct their label >>> It's not our right to peel off someone else's label (unless they are looking for assistance in processing... even then trend with care!!!!).

>>> Yes I realize this creates major issues. One I've heard the most is:
                                      It's not fair.True. But since we don't know what's in someone else's head we can't say "Hey you had sex with other people who have been assigned the same sex as you therefore you're gay or bisexual." (though society tends to do that)  Everyone person has a right to identity with a label THEY feel fits them best. (I'm quoting from "Are ‘Heteroflexible’ and ‘Homoflexible’ Shades of ‘Bisexual’?" from the Huffington Post link is below)
Let's look at the definitions: 

Bisexual
"Wikipedia defines bisexuality as romantic attraction toward both males and females. The term is mainly used in the context of human attraction to denote romantic or sexual feelings toward both men and women."

Heteroflexible
"Wikipedia defines heteroflexible as “a form of a sexual orientation or situational sexual behavior characterized by minimal homosexual activity, despite a primarily heterosexual sexual orientation that... distinguish [es] it from bisexuality.” 

Homoflexible
"Urban dictionary describes this as a gay man who has come out and embraced his identity fully as a gay man and chooses to have sex with a woman."

Notice: "bisexuals have an enduring attraction romantically and sexually toward both genders. Sometimes it is more toward one gender over another."
((http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joe-kort-phd/are-heteroflexible-and-homoflexible-shades-of-bisexual_b_4549126.html)) 

So someone who doesn't "have an enduring attraction" to both genders therefore doesn't fit the bisexual category...

With these definitions in mind: Gay For You/Out For You genre of LGBT romance might be less about erasure and more about characters who might define themselves differently. But there's not a category for heteroflexible with a side of label dislike so it will fall under GFY.

Sexuality is complex. Many of us haven't analyzed our sexuality... so not all of our labels fit.

Out For You/Gay For You Stories: While possibly not an accurate description of what is happening... this troupe embodies an ultra-fantasy of love>>>  Nothing stands in the way of love not even gender.
Is everyone bisexual?"In short, no.  Roughly 2.2% of women and 1.4% of men self-identify as bisexual.  The number of people whose behavior is bisexual, but who choose to label themselves as straight, gay, or lesbian, is certainly much higher – about 3 to 4 times that – but still represents less than 10% of the population." ((http://bisexual.org/?qna=is-everyone-bisexual))

Everyone loves to point out the Kinsey scale

((http://www.americaninstituteofbisexuality.org/thekleingrid))

I prefer the Klein Grind
KLEIN GRIND OF ORIENTATION
The Klein Model takes into account the individual's past, present and their ideal.
I'm pulling how they define the variables right off their website.
"THE VARIABLES: 
Sexual Attraction: To whom are you sexually attracted?
Sexual Behavior: With whom have you actually had sex?
Sexual Fantasies: Whom are your sexual fantasies about? (They may occur during masturbation, daydreaming, as part of real life, or purely in your imagination.)
Emotional Preference: Emotions influence, if not define, the actual physical act of love. Do you love and like only members of the same sex, only members of the other sex, or members of both sexes?
Social Preference: Social preference is closely allied with but often different from emotional preference. With members of which sex do you socialize?
Lifestyle Preference: What is the sexual identity of the people with whom you socialize?
Sexual Identity: How do you think of yourself?
Political Identity: Some people describe their relationship to the rest of society differently than their personal sexual identity. For instance, a woman may have a heterosexualsexual identity, but a lesbian political identity. How do you think of yourself politically?"
((http://www.americaninstituteofbisexuality.org/thekleingrid))

Now this scale can trouble some because it suggests orientation can "change" over time... I prefer to view it as life experiences refine a person's orientation giving them added clarity. Instead of rejecting one side of the Kinsey scale for the other... there might be a leaning with some additional exception.

Here's an example of how one might clarify their likes as they get older or have different life experiences:  I have a friend who identifies as a lesbian. I'm going to quote her, "Z.Allora, I love women and I'm a hardcore lesbian but there's a new flavor in town and it's called transmen." She said she'd go straight for the right transman... and that profoundly surprised her... in her younger days transmen weren't part of her world so how would she know she could be attracted to these men? ((I'm trusting those reading this not to go off in the direction with it))

I guess I'm hoping you leave this blog with a better understanding of the definitions and why some people (or characters) might not identify as bisexual and while others might. 

I included this short film: Thirteen Or So Minutes...  gives a dramatization of how heteroflexibility could potentially happen, the chaos around accepting a different label and how the encounter could become more. You can also follow the implications of how labels affect both of these men.

Hugs, Z.

Non-Binary GenderQueer Orientation

Identities:  ((THESE DEFINITIONS WERE SWIPED from http://genderqueerid.com/gq-terms))

Agender (non-gender): “not identifying with any gender, the feeling of having no gender.” (HTWG) “a term used to describe a person without gender. This person can be any physical sex, but their body does not necessarily correspond with their lack of gender identity” [*]

Androgyne: “1. A person whose biological sex is not readily apparent. 2. A person who is intermediate between the two traditional genders. 3. A person who rejects gender roles entirely.” (HTWG)

Bigender: Bigender people identify as two genders simultaneously, or move between them. This is not limited to man/woman and can include other genders. [*]

(Nonbinary) Butch: “Holding a nonbinary gender identity and a butch gender expression, or claiming Butch as an identity outside of the gender binary” [*]

Ceterosexual/Ceteroromantic: “Ceterosexual/romantic is sexual/romantic attraction to individuals who’s genders fall under the nonbinary umbrella. This term used to be called skoliosexual/romantic but was renamed because the prefix “skolio-” means “bent or crooked” which implies nonbinary individuals are abnormal or broken. The new prefix “cetero” means “other” This term is exclusive to trans and/or nonbinary individuals. This is because many nonbinary individuals thought that this term could be seen as fetishistic.” It is unclear whether this terminology will stick — and some folks are still using skoliosexual — or if something new or more specific to certain GQ/NB identity attraction will arise. [*]

Crossdresser: “A person who, regardless of motivation, wears clothes, makeup, etc. that are considered by the culture to be appropriate for another gender but no one’s own (preferred term to “transvestite”). This gender non-conforming behavior should not be conflated with queer sexualities. Many cross-dressers are heterosexual and conduct their cross-dressing on a part-time basis. Cross-dressing might also be termed gender non-conforming behavior.” (HTWG)

Demigender: Demi- identities encompass those who identify partially as a given gender. Some common terms are demigirl, demiboy, demienby, and demiflux. [*] [*] Some related terms are nanogirl/nanoboy and magigirl/magiboy to refer to a small amount of a given gender mixed with more of another/other genders, and a large amount of a given gender mixed with more of another/other genders, respectively.

Enby: Derived from abbreviation NB for non-binary. Enbyfriend can be used as a neutral romantic or sexual partner term. [*] [*]

Epicene: “The term epicene literally means “common to both sexes.” It sometimes refers to individuals who have characteristics of both genders or someone who cannot be classified as one sex or the other. Most often, it refers to effeminate males.” [*]

(Nonbinary) Femme: “Holding a nonbinary gender identity and a femme gender expression, or claiming Femme as an identity outside of the gender binary.” [*]

Gender fluid: “Referring to a gender identity that changes with time and/or situation as opposed to a fix sex-role or gender queer expression” [10]

Genderflux: Similar to gender fluid, but involving a shift in gender “intensity”. [*] [*]

GenderFuck: “The idea of playing with gender cues to purposely confuse, mix, or combine a culture’s standard or stereotypical gender expressions.” (HTWG)

Genderless: “Someone who does not have a gender at all. Some people just don’t “get” gender or feel like they have no gender, or a lack of gender, or an absence of gender.” [*]

Gender neutral: May refer to identities, clothing, or behavior that are not easily categorized as masculine or feminine or a blend of the two (androgyny). See also neutrois.

Girlfag: “A woman who is very attracted to gay/bi men. She may (or may not) also feel she is (fully or partly) a “gay man in a woman’s body”. Girlfags may identify primarily as bi or straight or lesbian, and are often attracted to more types of people than just gay/bi men.” [11]

Graygender: "a person who identifies as (at least partially) outside the gender binary and has a strong natural ambivalence about their gender identity or gender expression. They feel they have a gender(s), as well as a natural inclination or desire to express it, but it’s weak and/or somewhat indeterminate/indefinable, or they don’t feel it most of the time, or they’re just not that invested in it.“

Guydyke: “A man who is very attracted to lesbian/bi women. He may (or may not) also feel he is (fully or partly) a “lesbian in a man’s body”. Guydykes may identify primarily as bi or straight or gay, and are often attracted to more types of people than just lesbian/bi women.” [11]

Intergender: “A person whose gender identity is between genders or a combination of genders.” (HTWG)

Neutrois: “There is no one definition of Neutrois, since each person that self-identifies as such experiences their gender differently. The most common ones are: neutral-gender, null-gender, neither male nor female ,genderless, agender.” [12]

Pangender:  “A person whose gender identity is comprised of many gender expressions.” (HTWG)

Pomosexual: “The queer erotic reality beyond the boundaries of gender, separatism, and essentialist notions of sexual orientation”. Generally used conceptually rather than a stand-alone identity term. See also PoMoSexuals: Challenging Assumptions About Gender and Sexuality  (1997).

Third Gender: Term often used in anthropological studies to set apart identities other than man or woman that appear across different cultures. Can have colonial connotations, use with caution. See also Gilbert H. Herdt’s Third Sex, Third Gender: Beyond Sexual Dimorphism in Culture and History  (1996) and Serena Nanda’s Gender Diversity: Crosscultural Variations (2000).

Trigender: “People who feel they are neither male nor female, but not androgynous either and construct their own gender.” (HTWG) Trigender may also be used to refer to one who moves between three genders, as bigender is used to refer to those who move between two genders.

Transmasculine: “Transmasculine is a term used to describe transgender people who were assigned female at birth, but identify with masculinity to a greater extent than with femininity. This includes trans men, but transmasculine can also describe someone with a non-binary gender who views themselves as significantly masculine, such as demiguys. Transmasculine can also be used as a gender identity in its own right. Although they have masculine gender identities, transmasculine people may prefer not to conform to stereotypical masculine gender expression or gender roles.” [*]

Transfeminine: “Transfeminine is a term used to describe transgender people who were assigned male at birth, but identify with femininity to a greater extent than with masculinity. This includes trans women, but transfeminine can also describe someone with a non-binary gender who views themselves as significantly feminine, such as demigirls. Transfeminine can also be used as a gender identity in its own right. Although they have feminine gender identities, transfeminine people may prefer not to conform to stereotypical feminine gender expression or gender roles.” [*]

Transmedicalist/“Truscum” and Tucute/“Tupuke”/“Transtrender”: There is an ongoing debate between people who believe that dysphoria and desire to medical transition are essential to identifying as transgender, and those who do not find these aspects to be requirements for transgender identity, associated with the above words and corresponding slang. Some people who do not experience dysphoria are thought to be trying on a gender identity as a “trend”. See here for a good run-down of the history behind this debate.


Hugs, Z. Allora

E-mail:  Z.AlloraHappyEndings@gmail.com  
Facebook: Z Allora Allora
Twitter: @ZAllora
Website: www.zallorabooks.com
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A Dom is Born...

Some people believe Dominants are born. Other's think they develop and become Dominant. As with most things I think it depends on the individual. There's NO one way to become Dominant. It's a journey as with most things in life.

In Club Zombie 2: Zombies Suck Alex Waterman always had dominant desires but based on his upbringing, life experience, and own internal struggles he didn't act on them until he went through a secondary transition aka he was (re)born a Dom.




Zombies Suck Blurb:Forget undead corpses searching for brains. These zombies crave a different kind of head that keeps them young forever. Club Zombie offers safe haven, providing sexy ways to extract what they need from patrons, and the opportunity to find their destined mate.
Alex Waterman is ashamed of his “vile, unnatural desires” and lives a in a desolate world of loneliness and suffering until discovering… it’s not his life. Suddenly he’s swept away to a place where his desires aren't evil, they’re a mark of the dominant he’s born to be, and appreciative stares and aggressive flirting replace fear and self-loathing. But one night stands aren’t on the menu: Alex seeks “the one” to complete the missing piece of his soul.
Boy-next-door Ulrich calls to Alex, as does the gorgeous but self-destructive Cutter, and an element of irresistible danger clings to bad boy Storm. How can Alex decide between three tempting possibilities?
Maybe he should keep them all… 
READ MORE 
In Zombies Suck Alex spends time with two other Dominants who assist and  teach him what he needs to know. One was born to be a Dom and the other developed into one. They each interact with their submissives very differently because BDSM is not one size fits all. 
Hugs, Z. 
You can track me down: E-mail:  Z.AlloraHappyEndings@gmail.com 
Facebook: Z Allora Allora
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Website: www.zallorabooks.com
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Labels, Labels who wants a LABEL?

Labels can good, bad or neutral.

Labels at their best can:* help us understand (better) who we are
* gives us a place to do research to discover more
* tells us we aren't alone
* allows us to find people who are like us
* communicates numerous things short hand
* affirms who we are

Labels at their worst can: * pathologize- identify us as an other (drops us into a medical category that needs helps)
* force/imply things about us that might not be true (communicate numerous things short hand)
* used as an excuse to devalue because of your association with a label
* set up a self-fulfilling prophecy (negative = negative outcome)
* pushes you down a path that feels wrong

I think each of us needs to decide if labels work for us and if so what labels we're willing to have tacked onto us.

Not all labels that fit need to be accepted. (>>> So we could feel, act, response in a way that many people might say Ah HA you are X. But if you don't accept that label there will be a disconnect... and that's your right. No one should attach labels to you)

Sometimes people chose incorrect labels. Try to step back and simply accept the person at their word even if it is contradictory. Usually battles around labels should be fought independently and internally. Those on the outside should try to be supportive and accepting and if they can't do that than HUSH. (Yes, I said it. It's okay for someone to be wrong with their labels... It's not okay for you to demand someone correct their label.)

Here's the article you can refer to that I used to back up what observation has shown me.
Labels Good Or Bad

Labels can change based on personal experience or information or can be fluid. That means all labels might not last the distance. These changes can happen instantly or develop at a snail's pace.


We as a society that seems obsessed with labels? Taglines? Why? Labels can be part of who we are but they are not the only thing that makes us who we are!

Within my writing I tend to explore labels of gender and orientation. Just people two people identify with a certain label/gender/orientation that doesn't mean they express it the same way (aka they might not express it the way we do... it doesn't lessen their right to wear that label)

In Illusions & Dreams (transgender romance set in Thailand) my characters within the same spectrum expressed that label differently. The elegant Lalana is a transwoman who didn't want or need affirmation surgery where as the sweet Boon-nam felt she couldn't start her life until she had surgery. Both were transgender... but their need to express themselves was different.

READ MORE


                                                                 The Dark Angels In The Dark Angels I have two hot rockers who are demi-sexual. (Demisexual is needing an emotional/spiritual connection before sexual attraction can take place) Josh couldn't see anyone but Robin and isn't even sure he's were gay because he wasn't attracted to anyone else.
    READ MORE


 READ MORE
On the other end of the spectrum you'll find Dusty Davis for him gender is less important than the connection... but he does have a leaning toward guys although with his family situation he's not acted on it. He doesn't change his label due to external factors until he decides its necessary.

Labels are all around us.

Be happy!

Use labels with care...


Hugs, Z. 

E-mail:  Z.AlloraHappyEndings@gmail.com  
Facebook: Z Allora Allora
Twitter: @ZAllora
Website: www.zallorabooks.com
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Cutting

In the middle of a crisis? Stop and please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255. For a suicide helpline outside the U.S., visit Befrienders Worldwide.((http://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm))

Need help for self-harm?
If you’re not sure where to turn, call the S.A.F.E. Alternatives information line in the U.S. at (800) 366-8288 for referrals and support for cutting and self-harm.

Cutting isn’t a suicide attempt it’s a way to give vent to emotional pain and stress. The cut releases powerful chemicals (endorphins) that provide relief.Why Stop?
    •    The relief is short lived, and is quickly followed by other feelings like shame and guilt. Meanwhile, it keeps you from learning more effective strategies for feeling better.
    •    Keeping the secret from friends and family members is difficult and lonely.
    •    You can hurt yourself badly, even if you don’t mean to. It’s easy to misjudge the depth of a cut or end up with an infected wound.
    •    If you don’t learn other ways to deal with emotional pain, it puts you at risk for bigger problems down the line, including major depression, drug and alcohol addiction, and suicide.
    •    Self-harm can become addictive. It may start off as an impulse or something you do to feel more in control, but soon it feels like the cutting or self-harming is controlling you. It often turns into a compulsive behavior that seems impossible to stop.

((http://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm))


Worried someone you know is cutting?
 
Signs: Small cuts or abrasions
           Mood changes
           Unexplained blood spots/stains on clothing, towels or tissue
           Wearing long sleeves and pants
           Wanting to be alone for long periods of time


Here are some suggestions:
If you/they cut to express pain and intense emotions
    •    Paint, draw, or scribble on a big piece of paper with red ink or paint
    •    Express your feelings in a journal
    •    Compose a poem or song to say what you feel
    •    Write down any negative feelings and then rip the paper up
    •    Listen to music that expresses what you’re feeling
If you/they cut to calm and soothe yourself
    •    Take a bath or hot shower
    •    Pet or cuddle with a dog or cat
    •    Wrap yourself in a warm blanket
    •    Massage your neck, hands, and feet
    •    Listen to calming music
If you/they cut because you feel disconnected and numb
    •    Call a friend (you don’t have to talk about self-harm)
    •    Take a cold shower
    •    Hold an ice cube in the crook of your arm or leg
    •    Chew something with a very strong taste, like chili peppers, peppermint, or a grapefruit peel
    •    Go online to a self-help website, chat room, or message board
If you/they cut to release tension or vent anger
    •    Exercise vigorously—run, dance, jump rope, or hit a punching bag
    •    Punch a cushion or mattress or scream into your pillow
    •    Squeeze a stress ball or squish Play-Doh or clay
    •    Rip something up (sheets of paper, a magazine)
    •    Make some noise (play an instrument, bang on pots and pans)
Substitutes for the cutting sensation
    •    Use a red felt tip pen to mark where you might usually cut
    •    Rub ice across your skin where you might usually cut
    •    Put rubber bands on wrists, arms, or legs, and snap them instead of cutting or hitting
Source: The Mental Health Foundation, UK
(http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/cutting-self-harm-signs-treatment)

((FYI: I didn't rewrite I simply snapped up the information with the sources to pass it on to you in the exact format as I'm not a medical professional.))

Why am I blogging about cutting?
I've known people who have. I have some self injurious behavior and I've worked with people who did other kinds of self harm. Something a therapist said to me I found rather startling: Cutting is this generations communication.

I have a character in Zombies Ahead who cuts. He's never learned other coping mechanisms. Cutting can become addictive. But like with anything else change needs to come from the person. No one around them can make the decisions for them (at least not in the long term). I'm sure some people will take issue with how this particular characters brought his behavior under control but it's a matter of what works for the individual.




Zombies Suck Blurb:Forget undead corpses searching for brains. These zombies crave a different kind of head that keeps them young forever. Club Zombie offers safe haven, providing sexy ways to extract what they need from patrons, and the opportunity to find their destined mate.
Alex Waterman is ashamed of his “vile, unnatural desires” and lives a in a desolate world of loneliness and suffering until discovering… it’s not his life. Suddenly he’s swept away to a place where his desires aren't evil, they’re a mark of the dominant he’s born to be, and appreciative stares and aggressive flirting replace fear and self-loathing. But one night stands aren’t on the menu: Alex seeks “the one” to complete the missing piece of his soul.
Boy-next-door Ulrich calls to Alex, as does the gorgeous but self-destructive Cutter, and an element of irresistible danger clings to bad boy Storm. How can Alex decide between three tempting possibilities?
Maybe he should keep them all…
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Hugs, Z.

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Safe Sex

In romance there's a troupe that true love means no condoms = romance... 

I have several characters in my works in progress that refuse to give up condoms even once they're in loving relationships so I thought I'd do a safe sex blogs. 

This video is awesome in its diversity.





Free Read from Eden Winters about making safe sex fun

The next bit is shamelessly copied from the government website because this is wonderful and exciting information we should all be aware of... (the source is below)

What is Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP)?"“PrEP” stands for Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis. PrEP is a way for people who don’t have HIV but who are at very high risk of getting it to prevent HIV infection by taking a pill every day. The pill contains two medicines that are also used to treat HIV. If you take PrEP and are exposed to HIV through sex or injection drug use, these medicines can work to keep the virus from taking hold in your body.
PrEP is a powerful HIV prevention tool and can be combined with condoms and other prevention methods to provide even greater protection than when used alone. But people who use PrEP must commit to taking the drug every day and seeing their health care provider for follow-up every 3 months."

What is PEP?"PEP is used for anyone who may have been exposed to HIV during a single high-risk event.
Healthcare workers are evaluated for PEP if they are exposed after:
Getting cut or stuck with a needle that was used to draw blood from a person who may have HIV infectionGetting blood or other body fluids that may have lots of HIV in their eyes or mouthGetting blood or other body fluids that may have lots of HIV on their skin when it is chapped, scraped, or affected by certain rashesThe risk of getting HIV infection in these ways is extremely low—fewer than 1 in 100 for all exposures.
PEP can also be used to treat people who may have been exposed to HIV during a single high-risk event unrelated to work (e.g., during episodes of unprotected sex, needle-sharing injection drug use, or sexual assault).
Keep in mind that PEP should only be used in uncommon situations right after a potential HIV exposure. PEP is not intended for long-term use. It is not a substitute for regular use of other proven HIV prevention methods, such as pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), correct and consistent condom use or use of sterile injection equipment.
Because PEP is not 100% effective, you should continue to use condoms with sex partners while taking PEP and should not share injection equipment with others. This will help avoid spreading the virus to others if you become infected. If you have repeated exposures to HIV, you should consider PrEP."

Government Information

For more great stories that include safe sex: The Real Story

Have fun my Pretties but be safe.
Hugs, Z.