Z. Allora's Blog, page 29
February 25, 2016
The Bathroom Issue
.... Really I can't imagine there are people stupid enough to be believe society needs to police the bathrooms. Yet legislators continue to create bills to make it illegal for people to use the bathroom appropriate for them (be that based on gender identity or assigned sex at birth or there's no line and I've got to go NOW!). Allow people to go to the bathroom where they are most comfortable.
I lived in China for six years... Most public restrooms had no soap, no hot water, no western toilets, no toilet paper and sometimes no doors... I've squat over gullies in the floor operated by gravity... I've had my foot peed on by someone else... I've thrown up in my mouth over the smell and condition of some of the restrooms I've visited... but not once did it occur to me to give two shits about what the gender identity or assigned sex at birth of the people who were suffering with me.
For those who are confused... A bathroom is to void liquid and solid waste. To wash up and clean your lunch off your shirt... maybe run a brush through your hair. Your responsibilities in a shared bathroom are pass the toilet paper if a person is out, clean up after yourself and wash your hands. I really think most humans are capable of that...
The beautiful Zinnia Jones breaks it down for us. (And yeah she's a bit harsh on cis-people but I understand the anger... and I'm sure she knows all cis-gender people are not the enemy.)
This month South Dakota is the first to pass a bill outlawing transgender public school students from using restrooms and locker rooms consistent with their gender identities. Take a moment to imagine the pain this will cause... However Charlotte North Carolina city counselor has passed an ordinance which allows transgender people to use the bathroom they would be most comfortable in... Though Gov. McCrory thinks he has nothing better to do than to try to stop this...
All I can ask my Pretties is if you're in a conversation with someone spurting nonsense help educate them. Understanding = acceptance = everyone being safer.
Hugs, Z.
February 11, 2016
BDSM Cures
Cue the eye roll...
Stay with me Pretty ones.
BDSM DOESN'T CURE EVERYTHING BUT IT DOES HAVE BENEFITS WHICH CAN PROMOTE HEALING.
(as always results will vary based on individual differences)
1) Some people use BDSM as a break. There's no thinking when you hit deep subspace. You're completely in the moment. At times it can be an almost meditative state (comparable to yoga). Top & subspace or the flow as some refer to it reduces stress hormones.
>>> In Zombies Suck Cutter needs this peace so his mind can find a different path for dealing with negative influences. Does it stop him from cutting? No but it gives him alternative stimulation which is big enough to drown out the desire to harm himself (& btw finding something to distract yourself from cutting is part of most treatment plans for someone who self abuses).
2) BDSM can release endorphins which are protein molecules. Endorphins regulate pain, stress, and cravings.
3) There was a study published a few years ago suggested BDSM couples "felt more secure in their relationships and had an increased sense of well-being. They were more conscientious toward others, more extraverted, more open to trying new experiences, had decreased anxiety, and were less sensitive to others perception. Interestingly, they were also more aware of their own sexual needs but less agreeable.((http://sexualhealth.about.com/od/sext...))
4) The same study suggested couple felt closer after a successful scenes.
I do believe the troupe of BDSM healing all is based in reality (at least in my experience and opinion).
This is a simple bracelet... but for someone with anxiety it can remind them of the calm they experience when secured with rope as well as give them some of the benefits BDSM has been shown to give.
And if the bracelet isn't enough of a reminder they open up into sturdy cuffs.
They come in various colors and designs. I worked with a charming man who custom made these for me. His website is
Www.LeatherWoodStudios.com
On March 15 the book I referred to above Zombies Suck returns to the world's bookshelf all polished up and pretty.
Zombies Suck Blurb:Forget undead corpses searching for brains. These zombies crave a different kind of head that keeps them young forever. Club Zombie offers safe haven, providing sexy ways to extract what they need from patrons, and the opportunity to find their destined mate.
Alex Waterman is ashamed of his “vile, unnatural desires” and lives a in a desolate world of loneliness and suffering until discovering… it’s not his life. Suddenly he’s swept away to a place where his desires aren't evil, they’re a mark of the dominant he’s born to be, and appreciative stares and aggressive flirting replace fear and self-loathing. But one night stands aren’t on the menu: Alex seeks “the one” to complete the missing piece of his soul.
Boy-next-door Ulrich calls to Alex, as does the gorgeous but self-destructive Cutter, and an element of irresistible danger clings to bad boy Storm. How can Alex decide between three tempting possibilities?
Maybe he should keep them all…
Pre-Order Link: Zombies Suck
Hugs, Z.
Stay with me Pretty ones.
BDSM DOESN'T CURE EVERYTHING BUT IT DOES HAVE BENEFITS WHICH CAN PROMOTE HEALING.
(as always results will vary based on individual differences)
1) Some people use BDSM as a break. There's no thinking when you hit deep subspace. You're completely in the moment. At times it can be an almost meditative state (comparable to yoga). Top & subspace or the flow as some refer to it reduces stress hormones.
>>> In Zombies Suck Cutter needs this peace so his mind can find a different path for dealing with negative influences. Does it stop him from cutting? No but it gives him alternative stimulation which is big enough to drown out the desire to harm himself (& btw finding something to distract yourself from cutting is part of most treatment plans for someone who self abuses).
2) BDSM can release endorphins which are protein molecules. Endorphins regulate pain, stress, and cravings.
3) There was a study published a few years ago suggested BDSM couples "felt more secure in their relationships and had an increased sense of well-being. They were more conscientious toward others, more extraverted, more open to trying new experiences, had decreased anxiety, and were less sensitive to others perception. Interestingly, they were also more aware of their own sexual needs but less agreeable.((http://sexualhealth.about.com/od/sext...))
4) The same study suggested couple felt closer after a successful scenes.
I do believe the troupe of BDSM healing all is based in reality (at least in my experience and opinion).
This is a simple bracelet... but for someone with anxiety it can remind them of the calm they experience when secured with rope as well as give them some of the benefits BDSM has been shown to give.
And if the bracelet isn't enough of a reminder they open up into sturdy cuffs.
They come in various colors and designs. I worked with a charming man who custom made these for me. His website is
Www.LeatherWoodStudios.com
On March 15 the book I referred to above Zombies Suck returns to the world's bookshelf all polished up and pretty.
Zombies Suck Blurb:Forget undead corpses searching for brains. These zombies crave a different kind of head that keeps them young forever. Club Zombie offers safe haven, providing sexy ways to extract what they need from patrons, and the opportunity to find their destined mate.
Alex Waterman is ashamed of his “vile, unnatural desires” and lives a in a desolate world of loneliness and suffering until discovering… it’s not his life. Suddenly he’s swept away to a place where his desires aren't evil, they’re a mark of the dominant he’s born to be, and appreciative stares and aggressive flirting replace fear and self-loathing. But one night stands aren’t on the menu: Alex seeks “the one” to complete the missing piece of his soul.
Boy-next-door Ulrich calls to Alex, as does the gorgeous but self-destructive Cutter, and an element of irresistible danger clings to bad boy Storm. How can Alex decide between three tempting possibilities?
Maybe he should keep them all…
Pre-Order Link: Zombies Suck
Hugs, Z.
February 4, 2016
No Longer Color Blind
I remember when I was 4 yrs old sitting with my mommy sorting M&Ms by color before eating them one at a time... saving the orange for last because those were the best. (Yes, even at 4 yrs old I was a tad on the obsessive compulsive side of the spectrum.) My mother (who was an amazingly sweet wonderful person) tipped my world when she showed me how much prettier my groupings would be if I mixed up the colors into an M&M rainbow. That was my first lesson in diversity.
I grew believing not seeing color was the best way to fight racism. So I didn't notice when as I going through school each year there were less and less diversity until only a handful of African American kids were in my graduating class.
This next piece is swiped directly from: http://www.naacp.org/pages/criminal-justice-fact-sheet
Incarceration Trends in America
From 1980 to 2008, the number of people incarcerated in America quadrupled-from roughly 500,000 to 2.3 million people Today, the US is 5% of the World population and has 25% of world prisoners. Combining the number of people in prison and jail with those under parole or probation supervision, 1 in ever y 31 adults, or 3.2 percent of the population is under some form of correctional controlRacial Disparities in Incarceration
African Americans now constitute nearly 1 million of the total 2.3 million incarcerated population African Americans are incarcerated at nearly six times the rate of whites Together, African American and Hispanics comprised 58% of all prisoners in 2008, even though African Americans and Hispanics make up approximately one quarter of the US population According to Unlocking America, if African American and Hispanics were incarcerated at the same rates of whites, today's prison and jail populations would decline by approximately 50% One in six black men had been incarcerated as of 2001. If current trends continue, one in three black males born today can expect to spend time in prison during his lifetime 1 in 100 African American women are in prison Nationwide, African-Americans represent 26% of juvenile arrests, 44% of youth who are detained, 46% of the youth who are judicially waived to criminal court, and 58% of the youth admitted to state prisons (Center on Juvenile and Criminal Justice).Now I realize not all the kids I went to grade school and middle school with were in jail but it makes me understand that while I had the privilege of being color blind people of color do not.
Another statistic: 35% of black children grades 7-12 have been suspended or expelled at some point in their school careers compared to 20% of Hispanics and 15% of whites (from same link as above).
John Oliver explored how mandatory minimums have affected people of color in a devastating way.
Over Thanksgiving I got a speed ticket. It was unfair but I paid the $288 ignoring the 8 lawyer's offices who magically knew I'd gotten a ticket and could help me fight it. I'm lucky enough to be in a position to pay the ticket... but what if I wasn't... I could easily see how someone without the funds could spiral downward... and since I live in the South (where yes racism is still very much a thing) what if my skin color wasn't pasty white?
I recently passed a sign in a work zone that threatened speeders with a $1000 fine and 30 days... 30 days!!!! How does one keep a job? What if one falls into the category that doesn't get a pass...
We can no longer afford to be color blind. Let's take off the glasses and see things as they are... Educate yourself. Vote to change things.
Hugs, Z.
I grew believing not seeing color was the best way to fight racism. So I didn't notice when as I going through school each year there were less and less diversity until only a handful of African American kids were in my graduating class.
This next piece is swiped directly from: http://www.naacp.org/pages/criminal-justice-fact-sheet
Incarceration Trends in America
From 1980 to 2008, the number of people incarcerated in America quadrupled-from roughly 500,000 to 2.3 million people Today, the US is 5% of the World population and has 25% of world prisoners. Combining the number of people in prison and jail with those under parole or probation supervision, 1 in ever y 31 adults, or 3.2 percent of the population is under some form of correctional controlRacial Disparities in Incarceration
African Americans now constitute nearly 1 million of the total 2.3 million incarcerated population African Americans are incarcerated at nearly six times the rate of whites Together, African American and Hispanics comprised 58% of all prisoners in 2008, even though African Americans and Hispanics make up approximately one quarter of the US population According to Unlocking America, if African American and Hispanics were incarcerated at the same rates of whites, today's prison and jail populations would decline by approximately 50% One in six black men had been incarcerated as of 2001. If current trends continue, one in three black males born today can expect to spend time in prison during his lifetime 1 in 100 African American women are in prison Nationwide, African-Americans represent 26% of juvenile arrests, 44% of youth who are detained, 46% of the youth who are judicially waived to criminal court, and 58% of the youth admitted to state prisons (Center on Juvenile and Criminal Justice).Now I realize not all the kids I went to grade school and middle school with were in jail but it makes me understand that while I had the privilege of being color blind people of color do not.
Another statistic: 35% of black children grades 7-12 have been suspended or expelled at some point in their school careers compared to 20% of Hispanics and 15% of whites (from same link as above).
John Oliver explored how mandatory minimums have affected people of color in a devastating way.
Over Thanksgiving I got a speed ticket. It was unfair but I paid the $288 ignoring the 8 lawyer's offices who magically knew I'd gotten a ticket and could help me fight it. I'm lucky enough to be in a position to pay the ticket... but what if I wasn't... I could easily see how someone without the funds could spiral downward... and since I live in the South (where yes racism is still very much a thing) what if my skin color wasn't pasty white?
I recently passed a sign in a work zone that threatened speeders with a $1000 fine and 30 days... 30 days!!!! How does one keep a job? What if one falls into the category that doesn't get a pass...
We can no longer afford to be color blind. Let's take off the glasses and see things as they are... Educate yourself. Vote to change things.
Hugs, Z.
January 29, 2016
Orientation and Gender Identity is Personal
This seems basic but it isn't...
People feel compelled to weight in.
Look at the numerous bathroom laws against trans people not being able to legally use the bathroom of the gender they identify with (the gender they are). It boils down to someone else thinking they have the right to judge an individual's gender identity.
People are furious and angry at people who don't identify with the orientation consistent with their behavior. (>>>referring to a site to hook up "straight men" with gay man)
1) The individual knows best.2) It doesn't matter if the orientation isn't correct by your definition or by the world's definition. 3) It's not fair... doesn't have to be. (S/he is acting X but doesn't identify as X so gets none of the negatives of being X... I might point out & none of the positives.)4) We don't know who is questioning or seeking answers through testing label identity. (S/he might do X to prove to themselves or the world they are X and they might be X or they might prove to themselves they are Z.)5) It doesn't make sense to us. (Doesn't have to)
I've made the mistake of trying to process a friend's orientation with them (because "it didn't make sense to me"). I wasn't doing it to be a terrible human being but I was struggling to make my version of a label fit.
Here's some advice: Just Listen. Process later when you're alone. Usually the person is sharing something very private and maybe very new to them... Just listen.
Person sharing the new information it's very brave of you to share something so personal... but some helpful hints:
1) Don't seek validation from the person you are telling. They might need to built a framework to insert the information you've given them.
2) You have nothing to prove and if you give examples of why you are X... and it doesn't fit their "definition or belief/myths" about the orientation/gender it creates confusion.
3) The reaction you get sometimes has more to do with the person reacting/processing then what you just told them. ((It's not all about you... other people have issues too.))
4) If the person is trying to be supportive cut them a bit of slack... This isn't a made for television movie so they may not have a script.
Orientation and Gender Identity is a personal matter... Just accept.
Hugs, Z.
People feel compelled to weight in.
Look at the numerous bathroom laws against trans people not being able to legally use the bathroom of the gender they identify with (the gender they are). It boils down to someone else thinking they have the right to judge an individual's gender identity.
People are furious and angry at people who don't identify with the orientation consistent with their behavior. (>>>referring to a site to hook up "straight men" with gay man)
1) The individual knows best.2) It doesn't matter if the orientation isn't correct by your definition or by the world's definition. 3) It's not fair... doesn't have to be. (S/he is acting X but doesn't identify as X so gets none of the negatives of being X... I might point out & none of the positives.)4) We don't know who is questioning or seeking answers through testing label identity. (S/he might do X to prove to themselves or the world they are X and they might be X or they might prove to themselves they are Z.)5) It doesn't make sense to us. (Doesn't have to)
I've made the mistake of trying to process a friend's orientation with them (because "it didn't make sense to me"). I wasn't doing it to be a terrible human being but I was struggling to make my version of a label fit.
Here's some advice: Just Listen. Process later when you're alone. Usually the person is sharing something very private and maybe very new to them... Just listen.
Person sharing the new information it's very brave of you to share something so personal... but some helpful hints:
1) Don't seek validation from the person you are telling. They might need to built a framework to insert the information you've given them.
2) You have nothing to prove and if you give examples of why you are X... and it doesn't fit their "definition or belief/myths" about the orientation/gender it creates confusion.
3) The reaction you get sometimes has more to do with the person reacting/processing then what you just told them. ((It's not all about you... other people have issues too.))
4) If the person is trying to be supportive cut them a bit of slack... This isn't a made for television movie so they may not have a script.
Orientation and Gender Identity is a personal matter... Just accept.
Hugs, Z.
January 21, 2016
BDSM as a Spectrum
By SpankartDominant/Master/Top: in control/givesSubmissive/Bottom/Love Slave: is controlled/receivesSwitch/Versatile: can play either role
The concepts seem straightforward… until you start to experience/experiment/listen to others/practice/participate... with people who are outside your particular bubble then you realize BDSM is more of a spectrum.
On one end of the spectrum: there are individuals who think if you walk out of a scene with all your parts attached you weren’t playing hard enough. On the other side there are people whose safe word is “OUCH”. People who want to live 24/7 and people who don’t.
That’s okay!!! There’s room for all types of BDSM expression.
However, sometimes there are judgments and expectations heaped onto the roles and rules on how they should be executed. Any deviation from the expectations equates to censure (& I’m not talking about the “you’ve been naughty” kind) but someone invalidating you and how you practice BDSM.
Please keep in mind most times, we don’t know what the people in the scene have negotiated or what the people involved had been through or what could be affecting them and what brought them to this moment… yet instead of celebrating their courage for sharing their very secret selves… sometimes we hear criticism.
Here are some favorites: “That’s insane!” “Oh that’s just sugar kink (insert eye roll)” “That’s gross!” “Can’t he take it harder?” “Lame.” “Are they crazy?” “She safeworded already! I can take more…”
I think some BDSM communities could benefit from taking a page out of the trans community’s notebook: By only speaking for themselves & trying to limit the stereotypic expectations they place on others. Owners/Members/location drive the tone of the club, munch, dungeon, leather bar, playparty. And they can evolve or devolve based on membership… so it can be hit or miss. Don't take one experience as how it is...
I’m a love slave (too broken and have too many limits to be called a sub by most… that’s okay I don’t look for my validation in their direction.) I’ve belonged a dungeon (before it was closed in Philly), I’ve been to munches, sex clubs in Thailand, and have served my love for the last 28 years. I’m not your typical submissive... and I'm here to say: That's okay.
If you read me you know most of my characters tend to dabble in BDSM in varying degrees (got to love author projection!). Last week, I’ve gone into edits with my first BDSM novel Lock & Key. (The series name: Entwined).
I started writing Entwined because a number of my Pretty ones (=Facebook friends) have shared with me their experiences in a BDSM-type relationship where the lines between discipline and abuse were blurred. (Before my love I had a very negative relationship as well). Also I find the invalidation distressing. People who have limitations need a Master with creativity that allows them to be their most submissive self in a safe environment not censure for being a "bad sub".
I’m of the mindset BDSM can be and should be more than the typical scene we see portrayed: a Master beating a tied up sub and then getting sucked off. No judgment… that’s a perfectly acceptable scene… and some people on the spectrum would be satisfied by that… others not. I tend to want more...
I want to examine the misunderstandings of BDSM. Here are a few that come to mind:
*All subs are submissive to all dominants… (Just because you’re dominant don’t expect me to drop to my knees. You’ll get the same respect I’d give anyone else but you’re not mine so nix the expectations.)*Submissives are 24/7 meek & silence. (The world is a big place. I’m sure there are quiet subs though I haven’t meant any not on vocal restriction)*Master is always right. (All people have the potential to being wrong...)*You can tell whose into BDSM...*Subs needs don't matter. *Everyone into BDSM goes to clubs, wears leather and collars. *People into BDSM have a history of abuse (some do some don’t)*All pain is bad.*If s/he/they say they're a Master they are… (if wishes were dreams…)*BDSM is abuse… *BDSM can NEVER abusive *All Submissives crave to be treated like a doormat and get off on being used… *Masters are all alpha males
I see BDSM as a power exchange: the gift of surrender for the appreciation of the beauty in doing so. Other people view it as something else...
If we can accept BDSM is on a spectrum maybe we can open our minds to allow others to express their BDSM side their way. I believe there's more than one way to sub/top space.
Hugs, Z. Allora
January 14, 2016
BOTTOM SHAMING
I think it's important to acknowledge the connection between sexism & homophobia. In many ways society still devalues feminine things and people. Take a look at your own behavior/thoughts... it might surprise you.
Hugs, Z.
January 7, 2016
What Can You SAY?
Someone makes a homophobic/transphobic comment/joke.
WHAT CAN YOU SAY?
You're horrified but is it your place... and if it is what would you say?
YES IT'S EVERYONE'S PLACE.
The same way I hope you wouldn't stand for racist or sexist jokes/comments I'd hope you'd stop or correct someone saying something homophobic/transphobic.
To quote the 17 year old who sat next to me in PFLAG yesterday: "Kids are dying because no one is speaking up."
WE MUST BE THEIR VOICE.
Back to the original question WHAT CAN YOU SAY WHEN YOU HEAR INAPPROPRIATE COMMENTS?
Here's some suggestions:1) What do you mean by that?
It's simple and puts the person spewing stupid comments back on the spot. Usually it will end there... and yes it might be uncomfortable but not as bad as a kid hearing the negativity unmet with a response of that's not okay.
2) That makes me uncomfortable when you say that...
This works alone or after the jackass spewing nonsense decides s/he can justify her/his position. This is a simple statement and brings it back to basics... Does the speaker of hate want to continue knowing it's making someone standing right in front of them uncomfortable.
3) That makes me uncomfortable because I have friends/family in the LGBT community/ or I'm part of the LGBT community.
You only want to say this if you feel comfortable sharing this information.
Why Speak Up?1) Education
By taking the time and risk you are setting an example of what is acceptable behavior.
2) Kids
Within hearing distance they will feel supported and less alone.
By educating an adult you possibly help someone down the path of acceptance.
*** Keep in mind many people don't know they are spewing hate/perpetuating negative concepts/diaglogues***
3) It's the right thing to do
Sometimes silence is taking for agreement. You DO NOT want to agree with something against your principles.
4) You are giving courage to others to speak out.
Usually after I make such a comment others come up to me and say thank you. You're probably not as alone in your thoughts as you think.
5) Makes the world a better place.
I know not everyone is in a position to address each and every negative comment one hears but consistency helps set boundaries and raises standards. Do what you can.
Feel free to add your script of how you handle negative comments.
Hugs, Z.
WHAT CAN YOU SAY?
You're horrified but is it your place... and if it is what would you say?
YES IT'S EVERYONE'S PLACE.
The same way I hope you wouldn't stand for racist or sexist jokes/comments I'd hope you'd stop or correct someone saying something homophobic/transphobic.
To quote the 17 year old who sat next to me in PFLAG yesterday: "Kids are dying because no one is speaking up."
WE MUST BE THEIR VOICE.
Back to the original question WHAT CAN YOU SAY WHEN YOU HEAR INAPPROPRIATE COMMENTS?
Here's some suggestions:1) What do you mean by that?
It's simple and puts the person spewing stupid comments back on the spot. Usually it will end there... and yes it might be uncomfortable but not as bad as a kid hearing the negativity unmet with a response of that's not okay.
2) That makes me uncomfortable when you say that...
This works alone or after the jackass spewing nonsense decides s/he can justify her/his position. This is a simple statement and brings it back to basics... Does the speaker of hate want to continue knowing it's making someone standing right in front of them uncomfortable.
3) That makes me uncomfortable because I have friends/family in the LGBT community/ or I'm part of the LGBT community.
You only want to say this if you feel comfortable sharing this information.
Why Speak Up?1) Education
By taking the time and risk you are setting an example of what is acceptable behavior.
2) Kids
Within hearing distance they will feel supported and less alone.
By educating an adult you possibly help someone down the path of acceptance.
*** Keep in mind many people don't know they are spewing hate/perpetuating negative concepts/diaglogues***
3) It's the right thing to do
Sometimes silence is taking for agreement. You DO NOT want to agree with something against your principles.
4) You are giving courage to others to speak out.
Usually after I make such a comment others come up to me and say thank you. You're probably not as alone in your thoughts as you think.
5) Makes the world a better place.
I know not everyone is in a position to address each and every negative comment one hears but consistency helps set boundaries and raises standards. Do what you can.
Feel free to add your script of how you handle negative comments.
Hugs, Z.
December 18, 2015
Realism in Romance (part deux)
In the M/M romance genre where we have shifters of every kind, vampires (who don't sparkle... that wasn't praise btw sparkly vamps ROCK!), kidnappings and shootings much higher than the national average we have cries for realism.
First, I'll go back to:
1) What is realism?
2) Who defines it?
And I'd like to remind you:
Everyone's experiences are different so your REAL may never have been experienced by me or vice versa. Heaping on judgment doesn't quite work in the scheme of things.
In the M/F romance I wonder if we'd see these criticisms. I'd guess maybe a few. (Hell many of us reading and writing in the M/M romance genre is partly because we couldn't identify with the characters.) But overall I don't think you'll see as many vocal complaints by readers. Why is that virgin having multi-orgasms? Why isn't he shooting off in her mouth? Why is she tolerating his sexist behavior? Why... You get the idea.
But why is there such an outcry in the M/M romance genre?
In my humble opinion I think that's because in Het Romance there's a clearer line between fiction and romance. M/M romance has become a catch all for gay stories that haven't found a home elsewhere.
I think that's awesome and great... more the merrier!!!
What I don't find great is when I'm at a romance convention and I'm told that romance is a lesser form of literature. I'm not happy when readers of romance are laughed at or made fun of because they enjoy characters who are left or right of the spectrum of average... or certain activities squick them out.
Recent Facebook exchange about using spit as lube.
Does it happen in real life sex situations? Yes.
Is it comfortable? NOT always & especially not when the spit dries up it can hurt the fucker and fuckee... unless the ass is quite spaceous... or maybe the couple are into pain (which is fine but then reader needs to know that & can cheer YEAH MAKE HIM HURT!)
May I suggest instead of laughing at readers who has an issue with this realism you must write to be true to the story HELP THE READER! Bring the reader deep into the heads of the guys who OMFG just have to have each other now. Make the reader pant so hard they are cheering the guys on. And go ahead and show the realism of what happens to dick and asshole when the spit runs out.
I read a M/M scene in a M/F romance using only spit and was horrified. (BTW I'm not against only using spit especially for quick cummers) The lack of intimacy hurt my heart for the characters... the lack of lube was a symptom of the lack of caring between two characters in love for years.
Let's remember gay fiction is different than gay romance. Don't judge one book by another genre's criteria.
I'm not saying realism doesn't have a place in romance but let's bring the reader's with us and be clear some reader's don't want/need the level of realism a writer is pressed bring out in the pages of a book. Absolutely your right as an author. But then accept the romance reader might not be thrilled with that realistic detail... or maybe they will. (KNOW THY TARGET AUDIENCE)
Hugs, Z.
First, I'll go back to:
1) What is realism?
2) Who defines it?
And I'd like to remind you:
Everyone's experiences are different so your REAL may never have been experienced by me or vice versa. Heaping on judgment doesn't quite work in the scheme of things.
In the M/F romance I wonder if we'd see these criticisms. I'd guess maybe a few. (Hell many of us reading and writing in the M/M romance genre is partly because we couldn't identify with the characters.) But overall I don't think you'll see as many vocal complaints by readers. Why is that virgin having multi-orgasms? Why isn't he shooting off in her mouth? Why is she tolerating his sexist behavior? Why... You get the idea.
But why is there such an outcry in the M/M romance genre?
In my humble opinion I think that's because in Het Romance there's a clearer line between fiction and romance. M/M romance has become a catch all for gay stories that haven't found a home elsewhere.
I think that's awesome and great... more the merrier!!!
What I don't find great is when I'm at a romance convention and I'm told that romance is a lesser form of literature. I'm not happy when readers of romance are laughed at or made fun of because they enjoy characters who are left or right of the spectrum of average... or certain activities squick them out.
Recent Facebook exchange about using spit as lube.
Does it happen in real life sex situations? Yes.
Is it comfortable? NOT always & especially not when the spit dries up it can hurt the fucker and fuckee... unless the ass is quite spaceous... or maybe the couple are into pain (which is fine but then reader needs to know that & can cheer YEAH MAKE HIM HURT!)
May I suggest instead of laughing at readers who has an issue with this realism you must write to be true to the story HELP THE READER! Bring the reader deep into the heads of the guys who OMFG just have to have each other now. Make the reader pant so hard they are cheering the guys on. And go ahead and show the realism of what happens to dick and asshole when the spit runs out.
I read a M/M scene in a M/F romance using only spit and was horrified. (BTW I'm not against only using spit especially for quick cummers) The lack of intimacy hurt my heart for the characters... the lack of lube was a symptom of the lack of caring between two characters in love for years.
Let's remember gay fiction is different than gay romance. Don't judge one book by another genre's criteria.
I'm not saying realism doesn't have a place in romance but let's bring the reader's with us and be clear some reader's don't want/need the level of realism a writer is pressed bring out in the pages of a book. Absolutely your right as an author. But then accept the romance reader might not be thrilled with that realistic detail... or maybe they will. (KNOW THY TARGET AUDIENCE)
Hugs, Z.
December 10, 2015
Realism in Romance
When we talk about realism in romance:1) Who defines reality
2) What is that reality
We each have a unique set of experiences and filters…
The world is a diverse and wonderful place. How I might experience might be different than someone else experiences it... and that's okay.
Just because it's not your reality doesn't mean it's not someone else's...
I know some readers require more “realistic” story lines, characters and plot with more grit. I’m one of the many readers who pick up a romance to escape “reality”. My preference is happy fluffiness. And that bleeds over into my writing...
Sometimes I wonder how much reality people are looking for... There’s a lot of REALITY I don’t usually include in my romances not because I'm clueless but because these are things that don't up the romance factor for me as a reader/writer. (Adjusting my beret & shrugging)
Here’s some that come to mind:*Come streaked brown leaking out of a gaping asshole (BTW realistic when one has anal sex)
*Hemorrhoids & anal tears & bleeding
*Stealthing (act of pretending to wear a condom than not)
*Gift giving (knowingly transmitting a disease usually refers to HIV)
*Bug chasers (knowingly seeking to catch a disease)
*Men who have sex with men just to get off and don’t fall in love with a hookup/rentboy
*Going to the bathroom (bodily functions don't excite me... so you can imagine golden showers aren't my cup of tea either... hee hee yeah I know what I did there...)
*Certain fetishes or sexual practices
*Unhappily ever afters/bitter sweet/meaningful but not happy endings
You get the idea… I as a romance writer simply don’t want to go there…
Reality I would/have put in a romances that can/do annoy readers:*Sex that is it just for the sake of sex
*Characters having a ton of sex (based on their age=realism)
*Sometimes it takes more than a few pages for a character to accept something (especially a perceived change/adjustment in their orientation)
*Misunderstandings: can and do affect how people act which can spiral out of control based on assumptions (Has happened to me many times)
*Insta-love happens in reality (I’m a product of it)
*Characters who aren’t like your average people (Lots of different people in the world and I enjoy writing about people who are atypical… I worship the fringes and enjoy the edges)
*Orientations: Aren’t just three little boxes so I explore them and try show the variations within each.
*Troupes are troupes because they do tend to happen in real life…
Reality necessary in a romance is in the eye of the reader.
As a reader I pay careful attention to the author’s brand… I know authors try REALLY hard to clarify themselves so the readers know what they’d be getting (aka how much reality will be injected into the romance).
May you always have as romance as you want.
Hugs, Z.
2) What is that reality
We each have a unique set of experiences and filters…
The world is a diverse and wonderful place. How I might experience might be different than someone else experiences it... and that's okay.
Just because it's not your reality doesn't mean it's not someone else's...
I know some readers require more “realistic” story lines, characters and plot with more grit. I’m one of the many readers who pick up a romance to escape “reality”. My preference is happy fluffiness. And that bleeds over into my writing...
Sometimes I wonder how much reality people are looking for... There’s a lot of REALITY I don’t usually include in my romances not because I'm clueless but because these are things that don't up the romance factor for me as a reader/writer. (Adjusting my beret & shrugging)
Here’s some that come to mind:*Come streaked brown leaking out of a gaping asshole (BTW realistic when one has anal sex)
*Hemorrhoids & anal tears & bleeding
*Stealthing (act of pretending to wear a condom than not)
*Gift giving (knowingly transmitting a disease usually refers to HIV)
*Bug chasers (knowingly seeking to catch a disease)
*Men who have sex with men just to get off and don’t fall in love with a hookup/rentboy
*Going to the bathroom (bodily functions don't excite me... so you can imagine golden showers aren't my cup of tea either... hee hee yeah I know what I did there...)
*Certain fetishes or sexual practices
*Unhappily ever afters/bitter sweet/meaningful but not happy endings
You get the idea… I as a romance writer simply don’t want to go there…
Reality I would/have put in a romances that can/do annoy readers:*Sex that is it just for the sake of sex
*Characters having a ton of sex (based on their age=realism)
*Sometimes it takes more than a few pages for a character to accept something (especially a perceived change/adjustment in their orientation)
*Misunderstandings: can and do affect how people act which can spiral out of control based on assumptions (Has happened to me many times)
*Insta-love happens in reality (I’m a product of it)
*Characters who aren’t like your average people (Lots of different people in the world and I enjoy writing about people who are atypical… I worship the fringes and enjoy the edges)
*Orientations: Aren’t just three little boxes so I explore them and try show the variations within each.
*Troupes are troupes because they do tend to happen in real life…
Reality necessary in a romance is in the eye of the reader.
As a reader I pay careful attention to the author’s brand… I know authors try REALLY hard to clarify themselves so the readers know what they’d be getting (aka how much reality will be injected into the romance).
May you always have as romance as you want.
Hugs, Z.
December 3, 2015
Yaoi in The Economist????
Over Thanksgiving my father-in-law (who is a super cool guy) asked if I heard about this thing called Yaoi… (He knows I write rainbow romance). I nodded and said "Yes that’s what I sort of write." He let me know it’s becoming popular… He’d read an article in The Economist...
Let me type that again… The Economist discussed YAOI!!! WOW! Being treated as the oddity for so long when someone comes along and says "Hey what you're doing is 'something'"… the validation feeds your soul.
Why is Yaoi/Slash Fanfiction popular?At Yaoi Con 2010 I remember rushing off to a panel discussion on this topic. I wanted some answers damn it! Someone explain to me why I need to see and write about gay romance? Why does this trigger something deep and very primal in the fans?
No answers just more questions were found...
The Economist estimated 275 million people in China enjoy Danmei (romantic/sexual stories about two men). I lived in Suzhou China for six years and “gay” as the West knows it doesn’t exist (except in the dark corners & very tiny pockets). My friends (including people I know who were involved with a same sex partner) told me Chinese people aren’t gay… ????? (Statistically impossible!) But people who I met and watched in the only gay bar in Suzhou were all married to the opposite sex and were passing around pics of their children. For most people, gay wasn't part of their identity just something they did when they could slip out of the house...
((I'd love to see how Danmei affects LGBTQIA understanding/rights in China in the year 2030))
The year after I left 2007 the government decided to do a crack down on pornography aka targeting people who wrote Danmei. April 18 2014 Twenty people were arrested for writing male/male fanfic. Many of them continue to do so if The Economist chart is to be believed.
Why are these women driven to continue to write/read even though it is illegal? In the West why do some of us read and write it even though we receive censure from society, some of our families, some of our friends and hell there's even people in own romance genre shaking their head at us? WHY?
Lots of Reasons Keep in mind these are my own personal opinions based on watching interactions at Yaoi Con, on Facebook, at the GRL (Gay Romance Literature Retreat), Twitter, conversations with readers, writers, fans of Yaoi & M/M romance, private messages and e-mails. (So not all reasons are listed...)
1) Gender Identity: If you don’t identify with your assigned sex at birth reading/writing Yaoi or M/M romance is a way to experience what you (for whatever reason) can not live or reinforces how you are living. It’s a vent for gender identity expression. Many gender queer/non-binary/gender non-conforming people express their sexuality in a different ways. Some people assigned female at birth express in more masculine ways & they might identify with male attitudes…Yaoi gives that a voice with characters that make sense to them.
2) Women & Sex: People assigned female at birth have certain expectations placed on them regarding sex. (This is changing but it’s there and constant).
Here’s some of the messages society has tried to rain down on my head since birth:
*Women aren’t supposed to want/enjoy sex… those that do must be sluts.
*Women shouldn’t masturbate.
*Women are the gatekeepers of sexuality so they need to be careful with it (Careful how you dress/act you don’t want the male of the species to lose their minds…)
*Rape (even though it’s about violence and not sex) Victims are blamed because of action,dress, environment
*3+ women are KILLED every day in the USA due by their domestic partners (& there doesn't seem to be a lot done about changing the value society places on women)
*Women (for the most part) are not valued as much as men (wage gap, glass ceiling, different expectations=self fulfilling prophecy that usually are not about success...)
*Women's reproductive freedom is questioned. (Some would like people assigned female at birth not to be able to make decisions about their own bodies…)
*Women aren’t given the same freedom to explore their sexuality (teenaged boys are given a free pass to sow their “wild oats” while girls better save it for marriage or keep it quiet about it)
*Sex is for procreation.
*Women receive messages everywhere about the roles they should be playing. What markets target them as the audience... what does that say about where their attention should be?
These and many other messages may contribute to why some people assigned female at birth to dissociate from their own sexuality. Slash/Yaoi/ M/M romance is a venue that gives a place to explore, reconnect, experience what society has tried to steal.
3) Rebelling against norms that don’t fit. When I read most (not all but most) M/F romances I wanna throw up in my mouth. Why? I can’t identify with either character. I wouldn’t make those decisions (BTW I’d not wait until page 68 to do something sexual & I’d SWALLOW). Pregnancy does not make a happily ever after complete. The inequality makes me ill because it feels like we are reinforcing sexist norms. ETC.
Yaoi removes society's expectations on what people in the relationships are supposed to do. (Granted you have the semi & the uki but well worn pathways of how females react is absent because there usually isn't a female main character). Gender lines might be blurred. It's easier to see different outcomes because the usual rules/troupes don't have to apply.
4) Sex in Yaoi: I like that sex isn’t shrouded in an off the page mystery. It’s dealt with head on usually in graphic detail. (It may reconnect the reader back to their own sexuality that society tried to swipe…) Or maybe it just turns the reader on… you know what? GOOD! That’s okay. Sexual excitement is wonderful and fingers crossed it will lead to an orgasm… I will always come down on the side of sex positive expressions. (Non-con & self-lubrication are discussions for another blog post).
5) Validation:A reader who is gender queer/non-binary/non-gender conforming finds validation in seeing a story with characters they can identify with… making decisions they would make… let’s the person feel less isolated.
There’s a bunch of other reasons and sub-reasons and it varies from reader to reader. The fact that The Economist is discussing Yaoi/Danmei… is an incredibly positive thing.
We can discuss the pitfalls of Yaoi another day (because there are many) but I believe by women reading and enjoying Yaoi (M/M romance) allows them to connect (for a variety of reasons) with characters who are on the rainbow. Since the last study I read suggested women were the primary care takers of kids 83% of the time I believe mommies being rainbow positive is a wonderful thing. It fosters understanding and acceptance which is passed on to the next generation!
Psst, yup that's right that's my agenda: To increase understanding and acceptance of the rainbow. (Too many people suffer from intolerance) Honestly I'm good with Yaoi being a venue to do that. I'm a firm believer in using all the tools in the toolbox! (Yaoi might be a gateway from some... Sure it may start out as ogling men...but the readers start to really care about the characters and usually that morphs into a deeper understanding and acceptance of not only LGBTQIA but of ourselves. Most of the readers and writers of Yaoi I know fight, vote, and support equality.) Whatever brings us closer to everyone believing LOVE IS LOVE... I'm all for it. I hope you are too!
Hugs, Z.
Articles referenced:
http://www.economist.com/news/china/2...
http://www.dailydot.com/geek/in-china...
Let me type that again… The Economist discussed YAOI!!! WOW! Being treated as the oddity for so long when someone comes along and says "Hey what you're doing is 'something'"… the validation feeds your soul.
Why is Yaoi/Slash Fanfiction popular?At Yaoi Con 2010 I remember rushing off to a panel discussion on this topic. I wanted some answers damn it! Someone explain to me why I need to see and write about gay romance? Why does this trigger something deep and very primal in the fans?
No answers just more questions were found...
The Economist estimated 275 million people in China enjoy Danmei (romantic/sexual stories about two men). I lived in Suzhou China for six years and “gay” as the West knows it doesn’t exist (except in the dark corners & very tiny pockets). My friends (including people I know who were involved with a same sex partner) told me Chinese people aren’t gay… ????? (Statistically impossible!) But people who I met and watched in the only gay bar in Suzhou were all married to the opposite sex and were passing around pics of their children. For most people, gay wasn't part of their identity just something they did when they could slip out of the house...
((I'd love to see how Danmei affects LGBTQIA understanding/rights in China in the year 2030))
The year after I left 2007 the government decided to do a crack down on pornography aka targeting people who wrote Danmei. April 18 2014 Twenty people were arrested for writing male/male fanfic. Many of them continue to do so if The Economist chart is to be believed.
Why are these women driven to continue to write/read even though it is illegal? In the West why do some of us read and write it even though we receive censure from society, some of our families, some of our friends and hell there's even people in own romance genre shaking their head at us? WHY?
Lots of Reasons Keep in mind these are my own personal opinions based on watching interactions at Yaoi Con, on Facebook, at the GRL (Gay Romance Literature Retreat), Twitter, conversations with readers, writers, fans of Yaoi & M/M romance, private messages and e-mails. (So not all reasons are listed...)
1) Gender Identity: If you don’t identify with your assigned sex at birth reading/writing Yaoi or M/M romance is a way to experience what you (for whatever reason) can not live or reinforces how you are living. It’s a vent for gender identity expression. Many gender queer/non-binary/gender non-conforming people express their sexuality in a different ways. Some people assigned female at birth express in more masculine ways & they might identify with male attitudes…Yaoi gives that a voice with characters that make sense to them.
2) Women & Sex: People assigned female at birth have certain expectations placed on them regarding sex. (This is changing but it’s there and constant).
Here’s some of the messages society has tried to rain down on my head since birth:
*Women aren’t supposed to want/enjoy sex… those that do must be sluts.
*Women shouldn’t masturbate.
*Women are the gatekeepers of sexuality so they need to be careful with it (Careful how you dress/act you don’t want the male of the species to lose their minds…)
*Rape (even though it’s about violence and not sex) Victims are blamed because of action,dress, environment
*3+ women are KILLED every day in the USA due by their domestic partners (& there doesn't seem to be a lot done about changing the value society places on women)
*Women (for the most part) are not valued as much as men (wage gap, glass ceiling, different expectations=self fulfilling prophecy that usually are not about success...)
*Women's reproductive freedom is questioned. (Some would like people assigned female at birth not to be able to make decisions about their own bodies…)
*Women aren’t given the same freedom to explore their sexuality (teenaged boys are given a free pass to sow their “wild oats” while girls better save it for marriage or keep it quiet about it)
*Sex is for procreation.
*Women receive messages everywhere about the roles they should be playing. What markets target them as the audience... what does that say about where their attention should be?
These and many other messages may contribute to why some people assigned female at birth to dissociate from their own sexuality. Slash/Yaoi/ M/M romance is a venue that gives a place to explore, reconnect, experience what society has tried to steal.
3) Rebelling against norms that don’t fit. When I read most (not all but most) M/F romances I wanna throw up in my mouth. Why? I can’t identify with either character. I wouldn’t make those decisions (BTW I’d not wait until page 68 to do something sexual & I’d SWALLOW). Pregnancy does not make a happily ever after complete. The inequality makes me ill because it feels like we are reinforcing sexist norms. ETC.
Yaoi removes society's expectations on what people in the relationships are supposed to do. (Granted you have the semi & the uki but well worn pathways of how females react is absent because there usually isn't a female main character). Gender lines might be blurred. It's easier to see different outcomes because the usual rules/troupes don't have to apply.
4) Sex in Yaoi: I like that sex isn’t shrouded in an off the page mystery. It’s dealt with head on usually in graphic detail. (It may reconnect the reader back to their own sexuality that society tried to swipe…) Or maybe it just turns the reader on… you know what? GOOD! That’s okay. Sexual excitement is wonderful and fingers crossed it will lead to an orgasm… I will always come down on the side of sex positive expressions. (Non-con & self-lubrication are discussions for another blog post).
5) Validation:A reader who is gender queer/non-binary/non-gender conforming finds validation in seeing a story with characters they can identify with… making decisions they would make… let’s the person feel less isolated.
There’s a bunch of other reasons and sub-reasons and it varies from reader to reader. The fact that The Economist is discussing Yaoi/Danmei… is an incredibly positive thing.
We can discuss the pitfalls of Yaoi another day (because there are many) but I believe by women reading and enjoying Yaoi (M/M romance) allows them to connect (for a variety of reasons) with characters who are on the rainbow. Since the last study I read suggested women were the primary care takers of kids 83% of the time I believe mommies being rainbow positive is a wonderful thing. It fosters understanding and acceptance which is passed on to the next generation!
Psst, yup that's right that's my agenda: To increase understanding and acceptance of the rainbow. (Too many people suffer from intolerance) Honestly I'm good with Yaoi being a venue to do that. I'm a firm believer in using all the tools in the toolbox! (Yaoi might be a gateway from some... Sure it may start out as ogling men...but the readers start to really care about the characters and usually that morphs into a deeper understanding and acceptance of not only LGBTQIA but of ourselves. Most of the readers and writers of Yaoi I know fight, vote, and support equality.) Whatever brings us closer to everyone believing LOVE IS LOVE... I'm all for it. I hope you are too!
Hugs, Z.
Articles referenced:
http://www.economist.com/news/china/2...
http://www.dailydot.com/geek/in-china...
