Michael Joe Armijo's Blog, page 74

The Beginnings - Part 56: THINK I'M IN LOVE

Men go mad thinking about the past, the future.
There is only now.  Live for now.
-Martin Booth
THE INDUSTRY OF SOULS, a novel

The Beginnings – Part 56: THINK I’M IN LOVE

July 10, 1983

George and I awoke to nifty screwing around. Our relationship is too good to be true (considering). We went on a picnic to Sonoma Lake. It was so nice an warm. We ate a great meal and had fun lying out under a shady tree. We also went to visit Ken and Don who share an apartment in Los Gatos. My feeling about those two guys is in neutral mode. I’d just say that I’m glad I have George. I am satisfied with only George.
After the relaxed outing at the park we returned to his mom’s trailer pad where we felt hot, so we had chilled, fresh-squeezed orange juice. It made us feel cool. We hated to part ways as he had to go to work at three o’clock. While we hated to part we always look forward to the next time we will see each other. We are excited at the possibility of our moving in together.

I planned on spending the night in Alameda so that I could take my car in for servicing; however, Tammy telephoned.
Tammy shouted over the wires, “Oh Michael, I’m going to L.A. this Friday for a whole week! I’m so excited.”
“Oh…I’ll miss you,” I said, thinking actually that George might make me forget.
I did like how Tammy has opened herself up to me a bit more. I like it. Now…if only I could terminate her smoking habit and see her without all of that cheap eye shadow make-up.

I did eventually spend the night at mom and dad’s house.
Dad said, “I told Sophie about you wanting to rent the townhouse for six-hundred dollars a month.”
“If she’s only paying three hundred now I know she’s going to move out. I will talk to George in more detail about it. I hope he’ll go for it because six-hundred for the two of us shouldn’t be a problem.”

I went to bed somewhat early. I listened to John’s new stereo. I like the new Eddie Money song called THINK I’M IN LOVE…because I think I am.

“How often do you see him?”
“Every day. I couldn’t be happy if I didn’t see him every day. He is absolutely necessary to me.”
-Oscar Wilde
THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY

The Beginnings - Part 55: MESMERIZED

…all of my desires are only a reflection of my longing to come home.
-Tony Parsons
AS IT IS

The Beginnings – Part 55: MESMERIZED

July 9, 1983

In the morning George and I went to OLE’S WAFFLE SHOP on Park Street in Alameda. We laughed when we saw a store called TAMMY’S ANTIQUES. We browsed in there, too.

We drove to 3348 Solomon Lane in Alameda which is the address of my parents’ townhouse. I also picked up my mail at mom and dad’s house. My mom had just returned from her escape to Reno/Lake Tahoe with her sister.
Mom asked, “Do you think you could drive Betty home?”
Betty doesn’t live far from my apartment in San Leandro, so it wasn’t a problem.

After dropping my Aunt Betty home we went to my pad. George and I would lie out by the swimming pool for a while. Then I drove him back to Sunnyvale.

During the evening I went to Alameda again to wash my car. It’s easier to wash in my mom and dad’s driveway. I was also able to see and talk to mom.

I said to mom, “Yeah, George is cool. We may go to Westwood…it’s near Redding…and camp out next weekend. We might even move-in together to the townhouse as roommates in September if Sophie ends up moving out.”

Tammy and I did go out on our planned date. We parked out by the San Leandro Marina to discuss our relationship. We brought up George and me, too. I was upfront and told her about George. She didn’t seem to mind.
Tammy said, “We can continue to still see each other.”
I was confused but happy at her remark. Only time would tell. How will things turn out in the end?

Tammy and I watched the movie PSYCHO II. We had a good time and shared some good laughs. I noticed her go into the bathroom to ‘light-up’ a cigarette. I chose to not let her know that I caught sight of it. She was good tonight because she insisted on having no drinks for the evening. It was a successful night of conversation. We seemed to have come to an agreement.

When I arrived home I telephoned George.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“Well, my mom is out with her boyfriend for the whole night…so…”
“Yeah?”
“So…why don’t you come over?”
And so…I drove down to a trailer house where he was living (not too swift). We screwed around and had an ultimate time as we were mesmerized, looking into each others’ eyes.

“When you love someone, when you know them intimately, you read their silences. You see how, again and again, they avoid certain subjects.”
-Shyan Selvadurai
CINNAMON GARDENS, a novel

The Beginnings - Part 54: SUCH A PREDICAMENT

Homosexual relationships can be and frequently are happy. Many men live together for years and make homes and share their lives and their work, just as heterosexuals do. This truth is particularly disturbing and shocking even to ‘liberal’ people, because it cuts across the romantic, tragic notion of a homosexual’s fate.
-Christopher Isherwood

The Beginnings – Part 54: SUCH A PREDICAMENT

July 7, 1983

Today was a reasonable day. I managed to telephone George a couple of times while at work. I simply find myself thinking of him quite a bit. In fact, I may be thinking about him a little too much. He loves when I call him though.

After work I slept and woke to a phone call from Doug Siu.
“Hey Mike, do you want to go see THE RETURN OF THE JEDI?”
I gave some tired excuse. I guess he cannot tell that I am trying to avoid his invitations altogether.

George called me while he was working at WHEREHOUSE RECORDS. He was on his break but he was close enough to go home to call me. This phone call inspired me to drive down to Sunnyvale to see him tonight. I simply hopped into my wheels and cruised down to Sunnyvale without washing my car. I stopped for a bite at CARL’s JR. and then I surprised him while he was on-the-job. I think it was a happy surprise for him. It was great to surprise him. It’s hard to fathom that I actually saw him one and a half days ago. We are most definitely ‘in love’. Aren’t we?

We parked under a shady tree to kiss. How ‘yummy’ it was to see him. We went for a hot-chocolate at his pad. I left soon after.

I didn’t return a phone call to Tammy. She called me yesterday. It’s no big deal because I feel that George is the issue and the number one person right now.

I was pissed to learn that Allison, the hostess at THE RED ROBIN no longer works there. Oh well…she has my telephone number. Who knows?

July 8, 1983

Well, it’s no surprise that I telephoned George this morning at his work number. He was starting a full eight hour shift at 10AM today. It was a little strange when I called again at noon because he wasn’t there. I began to wonder if he was lying to me. I wonder why he said he was going to work when he wasn’t there. He may have just scored a minus.

Tammy telephoned me while at work. I finally returned her call and we talked for a little while.

I chose to call Frank next because I realized that he cannot keep his mouth shut. I got the feeling he might’ve already spilled the beans to Tamara (Tammy) about my feelings for George.
Frank said, “I’m going dancing in San Francisco with Tammy and a few others.”
Who knows what they’ve been saying to one another?

When I arrived to my apartment after work I received another phone call from Tammy.
“Hi,” Tammy said coyly, “I’m at Angelina’s.”
“Oh…what are you up to?” I asked.
“Not much…why don’t you come with us to go camping out?”
“Now?”
“Well, no…you can come tomorrow morning because we want to go to Russian River.”
I declined the invitation. She seemed disappointed; however, I couldn’t tell her that I made plans with George. George and I were planning on spending the night together. I also wanted to take him to Alameda to see my mom and dad’s townhouse as we’ve discussed the possibility (and likelihood) of our moving-in together there. It’s all quite tentative. We certainly don’t want to rush into anything.
Tammy sighed and asked me point blank, “Do you want to be just casual friends or what?”
I was dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to say. It’s clear she wants to have a relationship with me. I do not approve of some of ‘her ways’. For instance, she is always drinking in order to have a good time and saying things like “you’re going out with a beautiful blond…what more could you ask for?” Or she might say, “I like you Mike…but when we ‘end’ our whatever…” In my opinion, the simple fact that she knows I am attracted to men (George especially) is a minus on her part. I just don’t know.
I finally said, “Let’s meet up and talk more about it.”
“Okay.”
“Didn’t you want to see that PSYCHO movie?”
“Yes.”
“So…let’s to see PSYCHO II tomorrow night then.”
I simply want to have a good time. I know I will but I feel like I’m in such a predicament. Who? Tammy? George? Frank? Nici? Paige? I must rate these people in accordance of my most liked. Is that a solution to the problem?

I feel so comfortable with George. I want to be friends with him forever. And yet, I want to see and date others…girls in particular (not other guys). I guess I want a man and a woman. I have George now but I don’t think Tammy is the right choice for the woman.
Tammy asked, “Did you consult George about our going out together?”
“No.”
“Good…because I want him all for myself.”

I guess one could say that I want George all for myself. Does she want George too? Perhaps this is one thing I don’t like about Tammy…or Nici for that matter. They both won’t limit themselves to just me. Does Tammy want the both of us?  I know George has no interest in Tammy.

It’s already 6:25PM and George hasn’t even contacted me yet. I am supposed to pick him up at the BART station and the concert for THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS will be starting at 7PM.
I thought, “That S.O.B.!”
Then I thought, “…but shit…I still love the guy.”
I’m only sweating it out because I know we will probably be late to the concert. I guess I also know that any future with Tammy is hardly likely. Besides…the bitch smokes!
I thought, “I’d best NOT see George with another joint. I know he likes to get high on a joint every so often.”

I feel like I have to mold these people to my liking. Ha-ha. I do enjoy Tammy’s company but when I’m away from her I realize all of the things I hate about her. When I dwell on George I have mostly positive thoughts. As for Frank, well, he acts too ‘queenie’ at times. As for Nici, she’s a squid fucker. I’m sure of it. And Paige, well…she’s independent and I love her hair, the cute smile and face. Paige is a plus, too.

Damn! It’s 6:30PM and George hasn’t called me yet. The concert begins at 7PM.

Well…George finally called. How could I be mad? He brought me a plant for the house and a sweet card. He’s such a nice guy. I can’t believe the solid goodness we have in our relationship.

BERLIN was the opening act and they stole the show. A FLOCK OF SEAGULSS was good, too. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I hope my pictures will make the event all the more memorable. It wasn’t easy to get good pictures because of the darkness.

After the concert George and I went to GIOVANNI’s Pizza in Berkeley. We took the pizza to-go and ate it at my pad. We watched JOAN RIVERS on The Tonight Show. She had Morgan Fairchild as her guest.

George and I slept together.
Afterwards, George asked me, “Have you masturbated a lot?”
“No…why?”
“Oh…because a lot of people can’t get-off any other way.”
After I thought about it further it kind of hurt my feelings.  I began to wonder if he didn’t think I was completely satisfied by him. I sure am. Oh well…we slept very well.

I could decide for myself what I wished to do, where I should be, how I should feel, how I should think of my future.
-Janet Frame
An Autobiography

The Beginnings - Part 53: A PISCES

The Wisdom of Silversleeves (during a game of chess with his son, Henri)

“I have an interesting case to consider,” he began. “A man with debts.” He gazed at his son thoughtfully. “Who, generally, is stronger, Henri—a man with cash or a man with debts?”
“A man with cash.”
“Suppose though, that a man owes you a debt and can’t pay?”
“He’ll be ruined,” Henri replied coolly.
“But then you lose what you have lent him.”
“Unless I seize all he has in payment. But if that’s worth nothing, then I lose.”
“So as long as he owes you money, you fear him?” Seeing Henri nod, he went on. “But now consider this. What if this man can in fact pay you what he owes, but chooses not to? Now you fear him because he has your money, but since he can pay, he does not fear you.”
“I agree.”
“Very well then. Suppose now, Henri, that you need that money badly. He offers to settle for less than he owes. Do you take it?”
“I might have to.”
“Indeed you might. And now, do you not agree, he has made money out of you? Therefore, because of the debt he owed, he was stronger.”
“It will depend on whether he wants to do business with me again,” Henri said.
“Silversleeves shook his head, “No. It will depend on many things,” he replied. “On timing, on whether you need each other, on other opportunities, on who has more powerful friends. It is a question of hidden balances. Just like this game of chess.” He passed deliberately. “Always remember this, Henri. Men trade for profit. They are driven by greed. But debt is about fear, and fear is stronger than greed. The true power, the weapon that defeats all others, is debt. Fools search for gold. The wise man studies debt. That is the key to all business.” He smiled, then reached out his hand again, “Checkmate.”

The Beginnings – Part 53: A PISCES

July 6, 1983

The days at work are dragging now.

I telephoned George and we may go to a movie on Thursday night.
George said, “Ken’s roommate wants to meet you.”
“Is he as nice as you?” I asked.
“Yes, maybe all four of us can go to the Drive-In…in separate cars, of course.”
I honestly don’t know for sure what the agenda will be for tomorrow. I began to wonder how George’s job-hunting is progressing. I have a feeling that he aspires to be quite wealthy some day. I think he will. The idea of living with him in Greece sounds like a tough one. He actually threw that one out as a futuristic idea. It does sound like a good idea that is worth considering.

I look forward to when we can indulge on plans to camp out in the Northern California area of Westwood (near Chester/Redding) where he grew up. We also want to go to Newport Beach.

As I ponder my relationships with Frank, Tammy and George I find that George is the most impressive. He’s funny and the most fulfilling for me. He is a PISCES. Who would have ever thought that a PISCES would do me in? I.D.J.L.Y.B.E.B.M.M. (I don’t just love your blue eyes but much more.) I yearn to see George when I am away from him for too damn long.

I accompanied Helen Wong to the MACY’s CLEARANCE CENTER tonight to shop for some new clothes. I also spent my lunch hour with her. She’s so sweet. I’m glad I talked her into getting a little gray mini-skirt. She’ll look great in it. I bought a black shirt, a couple of tank-tops, a T-shirt, underwear and socks. She prepared a Quiche Lorraine at her house after the shopping. After that nice meal I returned home.

I telephoned Frank, feeling the need to talk to him. I had the feeling he would be depressed. I wanted to cheer him up.
“Can you give me more details about what’s going on with you and George?” Frank asked.
That threw me for a loop. I chose not to budge, keeping it low key. Why depress him even more?
I finally said, “Let’s just say I like him a lot.”
I do love spending time with George. It’s true.

He wanted to make this moment last as long as possible, to stretch it all the way to infinity.
-Isabel Allende
THE HOUSE OF THE SPIRITS, The Three Marias

The Beginnings - Part 52: HE'S NOT A GIRL

The saving idea of writing was to keep thoughts occupied and to escape…and live.
-Isabel Allende
THE HOUSE OF THE SPIRITS: The Hour of Truth

Twenty-five years ago today:

I wrote Paloma a typewritten letter using my word processor today. This is the beginning of it:


August 24, 1987
Monday Night

I was right. The big news of last weekend is that my brother’s wives, Helen and Sherri, are both pregnant. Their second babies are due in April or May of 1988. I’ll be an uncle again.

I’m glad my last letter pleased you. It was fun writing it. In fact, I have a copy of that last letter so I can backtrack and remind myself of what I wrote to you the last time.

School hasn’t started for me yet. However, I have made some new decisions as to what I will strive for in returning to school. I plan to get a Certificate in Public Relations by taking 6 courses at Golden Gate University. And then, I will pursue a second major in Psychology. Ultimately, I plan to acquire a PH.D. in Psychology. I will be a psychologist. My game plan is to practice in Los Angeles and, perhaps, counsel distraught and troubled folks. It may take a while since I need to work at the same time, but all in due time…this is my latest plan. Just think…you will be getting free counseling from a ‘top’ psychologist in California.

I didn’t even go to the gym tonight and I usually go on Monday nights. I’ll have to make up for it the rest of the week. Or maybe I’ll go after all. It’s 8:20PM now, so I doubt I’ll make it. Sometimes I need that bit of inspiration and motivation from someone. I wish you were around so we could discuss it. I bet I’d really be buffed if I were still your protégé. Not to say that I’m all that bad now, but you know how it is. We always feel there’s room for improvement.

There’s a waitress at the HOT ROD CAFÉ in Alameda named Nona. She is a professional body builder. She is really tone and muscular. She carries a tray around and all of the guys are all ‘ogle-eyed’ at the sight of her biceps. She is impressive though she is short. Your height would make you the “eye-catcher” if you trained against her in a competition.

Thank you for the pictures. They were nice to see. You really look good in the family portrait. And especially tempting in the Africa lay out scene. Needless to say, Jonathon is a sight for sore eyes. Quite a cutie you’ve got there. He looks big for only a couple of months. It’s no wonder that your hands are full.

As for the pictures I sent you…Well, your girlfriend by the swimming pool has good taste doesn’t she? Ha-ha. I’ll have to update you with some more pictures in a while. I hope Alexandre doesn’t get mad that I write to you. He can’t understand written English anyway, can he? I guess sometimes you were like the sister I never had. And yet…there were other times that I definitely wanted more than that. I just wasn’t sure that you really did. Do you know what I mean? Oh well, it’s all sort of history now, isn’t it? I just hope we never lose our bond that we currently have. When we’re old and gray I, especially, want us to still remain close in a partnership that could never break.

Do you remember my friend Mike Miller? Well, he met my roommate Stacey and he thought she looked like you. He said Stacey was a smaller version of you, like a kid sister. She does resemble you a bit, but she is shorter. She is real messy and I can’t wait for her to move out. Am I mean or what? Sometimes she uses the shower and forgets to remove her glob of hair from the drain. Isn’t that gross? She also starts laundry and doesn’t finish it. She’s not too reliable, but in due time she will be gone…I’m sure. Right this minute she is downstairs entertaining a guy named Kevin that she works with and has gone out with a couple of times. She cooked him dinner. Since she’s lived here that is the first time she’s ever cooked a meal. I hope she doesn’t forget to do the dishes. It’s kind of rare for us to be here together on the same night anyway.

I’m glad to hear that you don’t smoke anymore. You know my roommate, Stacey, goes to a rehabilitation group meeting two nights a week. She was going to school in San Diego and spent most of her student loan on cocaine. What a druggie! She has supposedly changed her ‘coke’ ways. She was going out with some 35 year old alcoholic guy that she met from her meetings! I don’t know what her problem is…but it was kind of nice when she was seeing him because she’d stay the night with him all of the time. I barely ever saw her. I admit when I first got her to move in I was attracted to her but after seeing the geeks she goes out with…I wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole.

That’s too bad that Alexandre doesn’t care too much for Didier. People all have their own individual tastes, I guess. The worst thing is to try and change his mind directly. Maybe if you indirectly ask him why he doesn’t like him and you share with him why you like him (or any of your other friends)…or if you find something that both of them like and can relate together about it will spark or trigger a sort of compatibility. But then if jealousy is the primary reason he may stubbornly never change his mind. I remember thinking Didier was a funny and nice sort of guy, but I’m open-minded. I can usually get along with a wide variety of people. I thought Didier may have been wild in his younger days…

The Beginnings – Part 52:  HE’S NOT A GIRL

July 5, 1983

I went to work and left George at my pad. I did telephone him during my first break, lunch and last break to see how he was doing. I also called because I find myself thinking solely of ‘George’ these days. His eyes and his smile just kill me. I am H.O.H. and then some…

I was surprised when I arrived home to find George lying out by my pool in my red corduroy shirt with two glasses of water.
George said, “I washed your clothes.”
I realized that the second glass of water was for me. It was so thoughtful. My apartment looked impressively clean and tidied up.
I thought to myself, “George is so clever and innovative.”
I really enjoy his company very much. I was so excited to return home. He’s full of surprises. It seems I always have a great time with him. No, I have more than a great time with him. He even insisted on cooking dinner while I went to fill up my car with gas.
George said, “Could you stop and get some French bread and Cool Whip?”
“Sure!”

It was a great dinner.  I mean…just the fact that we were eating together was great.

Helen Wong telephoned and George and I went over to help move her bed. It was an okay task but we left soon after the requested chore. We wanted to get home to have our dessert: Cool Whip atop of each other. Yummy. I kind of went overboard when I put too much on him. We were laughing hysterically.

He smiled and held up a bottle of JERGENS lotion that he had bought earlier today. It was nice. We slept until half past midnight.

Apparently, George’s friends did not go to the San Leandro gay skating rink, so I had to drive him all the way to Sunnyvale. He thought for sure he could hitch a ride back to San Jose with his pals. Alas, it was okay. We were both looking forward with excitement over the forthcoming concert for A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS this Friday night.

We have decided—or I should say I have decided that ‘I think’ I am in love with him. I know I’m H.O.H. in love and I’m not afraid of the fact. After all, he is great. He’s really a special person even if he’s not a girl. We know how and when (and where) to act properly.

Once I returned home from dropping him off I was pissed because I couldn’t find my security gate opener in my car. I’ll have to conduct an all out search for it tomorrow. I was so happy to just crash under the covers for the night. Yawn.

Two Gentleman Sharing…Well, we know what that means, don’t we?
-William Corlett
TWO GENTLEMAN SHARING

The Beginnings - Part 51: H.O.H. (Head Over Heels)

“Can’t you tell when someone’s evaluating you?”
-THE BOURNE LEGACY
2012 motion-picture

The Beginnings – Part 51: H.O.H. (Head Over Heels)

July 3, 1983

Tammy spent the night at my place. It was fun. She massaged me with some really neat smelling oil. There was an awkward moment as she was massaging me though. The phone rang. It was George Jones.

I don’t think George was too pleased to know of Tammy’s presence. Perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned it. When I laughed he especially didn’t like it. The ironic thing is that she was massaging me at that very moment that he called.

I spoke to George for a little while. Then Tammy proceeded to finish the oil massage. She gave me an excellent climactic ‘head job’.  She wanted me to make love to her…but for some reason I felt that our relationship was just ‘there’.  I didn’t want to feel as though I was using her (or perhaps being used by her). I needed time to know if we were right together.

By mid-morning I was driving Tammy to the house of her friend, Angelina. After I dropped her off I drove home to prepare for my Uncle Howard and Aunt Toni’s 25th Wedding Anniversary Party.

The wedding party was fun. I liked that Tammy was willing to accompany me. Everyone had a great time. After the wedding party I accompanied Tammy at her family get-together in Castro Valley. I didn’t stay too long because I was feeling quite tired.

Once home I freshened-up and changed clothes and drove to Sunnyvale to surprise George with a visit. We went to the park and ended up lying on the grass, talking about each other. We left the park and cruised over to Los Gatos to meet Ken (a friend of George’s).

After the visit with Ken we walked along uptown Los Gatos which I found to be quite beautiful. There were so many nice shops. We returned to that cozy park and played little intimate games within these boarded up hiding places.

We walked over to my car to share kisses and hugs in the dark. We ended up going to LYON’S RESTAURANT where we discussed Tammy, Frank, ‘our’ relationship and how we are definitely ‘An Item’ now. We now have his Wherehouse Records Fourth of July company picnic to look forward to tomorrow.

4th of July 1983

Mom telephoned and said, “You missed out on the surprise Mariachi guys who showed up at the Anniversary.”
“I could have done without that.”
“Oh no…not the music…the Mariachi guys got into a brawl over the money matters and some people got scared.”
“That’s crazy…but exciting,” I laughed.
“Yes, good thing you left early.”
“What did you think of Tammy?” I asked.
“I liked her…I didn’t think she was really your type when she pulled out a cigarette.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
Frank found a reason to call me: “So Mike, did you ever get the pictures from our L.A. trip?”
“Oh yeah, we have to get-together so I can show them to you.”
“Have you seen or heard from Tammy or George lately?”
I knew this was a touchy subject so I simply said, “I spoke to them a couple of days ago.”
“And?”
“Well, I like George a lot. I think the idea of ‘Tammy and I’ won’t be of any future importance to me because she knows how I feel about George.”
“Oh really…”
“Yes, I just don’t think I can have a good relationship with a girl when she knows about that part of my life.”
“I see.”
“So, what’s new with you?”
“I am planning to join the ARMY in September.”
“No way!”
“Yes, I am.”
The idea of him joining the ARMY surprised me, but then again with Frank…how could I let anything surprise me? After this phone call I was confident that we’d remain friends.

I am ready for my BART bike ride to Fremont’s Central Park. I had fun riding my bike in and around the city of Fremont. It was new territory. My cousins, Mona and Joey Armijo, moved out of their apartment, so I didn’t see them. I found my way to the Central Park and couldn’t find George’s company picnic. I was lost.

After some continued riding around the park I found the picnic location. I had a good time being there with George.
George kept asking, “Are you bored?”
It was kind of awkward to not know anyone. I had a couple of good walks and talks with George. It just didn’t seem like enough time together.
I persuaded George to come home with me.

I returned a call to Tammy and said, “I’m too tired to go to your sister’s party. I’m sorry…I’m just so tired.”
She tried to persuade me but I got out of it.

George walked with me and my bike to my apartment from the San Leandro BART station. George and I watched a little television. Then we took a dip together in the hot tub. We went out for a bite at McDonald’s. We returned to my pad and we… Let’s just say we had a ‘Wesson oil of a time’. I think we’ve both decided we are H.O.H. (Head Over Heels) for each other.

At about 11PM George and I woke up to my mom’s phone call.
Mom said, “I just wanted to tell you that JOAN RIVERS is on.”
George and I watched it, then we slept the remainder of the night.

The consequences of our actions are always so complicated, so diverse, that predicting the future is a very difficult business indeed.
-J.K. Rowling
HARRY POTTER and the PRISONER OF AZKABAN

The Beginnings - Part 50: THE SENSUOUS MAN

Rachel Weisz: “Are we lost?”
Jeremy Renner: “No, just checking our options.”
Rachel Weisz: “I was kind of hoping we were.”
-THE BOURNE LEGACY
2012 motion-picture

The Beginnings – Part 50:  THE SENSUOUS MAN

July 1, 1983

Well, Tammy came over for lunch. I think I surprised a lot of coworkers. She looked pretty nice but I was feeling a little jittery about her presence at the office. We had fun by simply eating at SOUP N’ SUCH. It was funny because she expected me to drive her home.
I said, “No, you’ll have to wait until five o’clock when I get out of work!”
She waited and we had a good time on the BART train to San Leandro. We were reading parts of this book she had called THE SENSUOUS MAN. The book was written by an author known only as “M”. It was first published in 1971 and then again in 1982. It’s a detailed instruction manual on sexuality for men.
I joked with her and said, “Do you know who ‘M’ is?”
“No, who?”
“Me, of course.”
"I knew that!"

We walked from the San Leandro BART station to my apartment at THE TIMBERS. I had to walk my bike because she was on foot. Thereafter, I drove her home to Hayward.

Once I dropped Tammy off I went to pick up Gregg (George Jones) at the San Leandro BART station. I happened to run into Helen Wong.
Helen said, “I heard from Inez Jones that Tammy came to the office today.”
“Yes, she did.”
“Inez said she looked much older than eighteen.”
“Yes, she’s mature for her age.”

After some confusion I learned that George ended up getting off at the BAY FAIR BART Station instead of the San Leandro BART station; whereby, I had to back track to get him there. I drove to Berkeley and it was an interesting experience to see the B-52’s performing live on-stage at the Greek Theater. It was fun watching everyone dance. There were even some people who were ‘slam dancing’. George and I had a good time.

Once we returned to my apartment it became very intimate. I love ‘screwing around’ with him. He spent the night with me and we had more fun.

July 2, 1983

George and I ended up eating out at PRING’s the next morning. I picked up my mail and used more Wesson Oil (his idea) for one hell of an afternoon delight (and another shower. He’s fun. He liked to do things with me.

We shall see THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS next Friday. I may also go with George for a Fourth of July picnic. I can’t wait until we go on that camping trip in Westwood, using only one sleeping bag (as he described).

After I drove George to the Sunnyvale area I returned home and called Tammy about going for a bike ride. She accompanied me for a short bike ride. She was intrigued by me and said, “I want to know more about that time that you were committed.”
I tried to explain the whole incident. I shared what memories I had of the whole manic episode, including scenes that I recalled at Gladman Hospital.
Tammy spoke in her ‘valley girl’ tone and said, “I think you’re totally okay now.”
I laughed, “Yes, me too.”

We ate dinner with Tammy and her family. I met Tammy’s little sister, Shelly. Shelly Duhr reminded me of Christa Keller (a high-school pal). It brought back some of my old high-school memories.

Tammy and I intend on going out to dance tonight. This should prove fine and dandy.
I said, “As long as we remove any daiquiris from our agenda I think we’ll be okay.”
She laughed out loud.
Unfortunately, Tammy and I couldn’t get in to the local BLACK ANGUS in San Lorenzo or the Oakland HYATT House because of her age (under twenty-one years old). So, we ended up at some hole-in-the-wall bar called BOB’s.

Once again I was lucky tonight. A cop pulled me over just to remind me to stop fully at a red light before making a right turn. I’m glad it was just a warning.
Hurrah!

I shared a few first grade jokes with Tammy when we got to my pad. She drank some of that RIUNITE wine that George bought. It was still in my refrigerator. We had a good time with the jokes (especially the dirty ones).

“A love nest is what we need…a little place we could go to from time-to-time.”
-Christina Ricci to Robert Pattinson
BEL AMI
2012 motion-picture

The Beginnings - Part 49: GAMES

She didn’t get angry with anyone because that would mean having to react, having to do battle with the enemy and then having to face unforeseen consequences, such as vengeance.
-Paulo Coelho
VERONIKA DECIDES TO DIE

The Beginnings – Part 49:  GAMES

June 28, 1983

Work was all right with the exception of Sue Reppert. Sue is one of the Assistant Manager’s in the office. She observed me on two separate phone calls with customers. She gave me a great score on one and a negative scoring on the other. She’s really sweet normally. I still like her. Moe also listened in on a call and she gave me a great score as well.

ALWAYS ON MY MIND is on my mind.  It’s a great song; however, Tammy is also currently ‘always on my mind’.

I telephoned George Jones a few times. I informed him that I purchased two tickets for the B-52’s concert at the Greek Theater in Berkeley. We will have loads of fun.

I informed Helen Wong about Tammy. I also disclosed that she is only eighteen.
Helen said, “Oh Wow…Tammy must feel la-dee-da.”
“Why do you say that?” I asked.
“Well, you have your own car, your own apartment and you’re single and good-looking.”
I laughed and said, “I don’t think she feels that way. I think she just sees me as a different sort…but a good sort.”

Tammy and I enjoyed the movie THE TWILIGHT ZONE. I guess one could say I got my way because her first choice was to see PSYCHO II. I just wasn’t in the mood for that. After the flick we went to the skating rink to check out the scene.

I have to ‘kind of’ admit that I wanted to go back to that skating rink just to be seen with Tammy. I also wanted to see if George Jones would be there. It turned out to be an okay visit. I danced with Tammy, George and Shawn. Frank was there but he was acting all ‘dippy’. I could tell that Tammy was a bit upset when George and I seemed to be together. Alas, we all went to that SEASONS CAFÉ again. It was fun there. George and I actually kissed in the bathroom (as did Tammy and I).   I liked getting the best of both worlds.

Tammy and I soon left and we parked at a local park where we necked. I wanted to kiss and lick her all over.

June 29, 1983

Work flew by like a ‘Flock of Seagulls’. Coincidentally, I bought the tickets to see the FLOCK OF SEAGULLS for the following Friday. It will be another concert outing with George Jones. I love that he likes this group, too.

After I purchased the tickets I called George to inform him. He is so excited about both concerts (B52’s and THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS). I like him. His excitement thrills me. I hope we will remain good friends. I can’t help but feel skeptical.

I heard a funny joke today about how the birth of a candy bar takes place. I told mom the joke and she cracked-up too:
W
It was another PAYDAY and I was tired of MR. GOODBAR. I saw Miss HERSHEY standing behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVENUE when I whipped out my WHOPPER and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to KRUNCH on my BIG HUNK for a MILLION DOLLAR BAR?"
Well, she immediately went down on my TOOTSIE ROLL, and it was like Pure ALMOND JOY! I couldn't help but grab her delicious MOUNDS because it was easy to see that this little TWIX had the RED HOTS. It was all I could do to hold the SNICKER and CRACKLE as my BUTTERFINGER went up her tight little KIT KAT and she started to scream "OH HENRY, OH HENRY!"
Soon she was fondling my PETER PAN and ZAGNUT and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my MILK DUDS clear to MARS that gave her a taste of the old MILKY WAY. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey CHICKLET, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little REESES PIECES, don't be a ZERO, be a LIFESAVER. Why don't you take my WHATCHAMACALLIT?
and slip it up your BIT 'O' HONEY?" (What a piece of JUICY FRUIT she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh CRACKER JACK, you're better than the THREE MUSKETEERS!" as I rammed my DING DONG up her ROCKY ROAD and into her PEANUT BUTTER CUP. Well, I was giving it to her GOOD N’ PLENTY, when all the sudden...my STARBURST! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow CHUNKY and complained of a WRIGLEY in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........BABY RUTH!

I picked up Tammy and she came over to listen to KQAK tunes. She was happy to see me and we made pineapple daiquiris and went into the hot tub. I love her company. I want to eat her all up for dessert. While she was with me in the apartment I telephoned KQAK radio to request the PSYCHO KILLER song for Tammy. She was so hot on seeing that PSYCHO movie and she didn’t even know of this song.

Her pineapple daiquiri was murder! We took a walk to the 7-11 Convenient Store for more pineapple juice. It was so funny. We were laughing continuously, having so much fun. We ended up with pineapple CRUSH soda instead. Yuck! I think that’s what made me sick. Oh well…at least I got to bed by midnight after our fun get-together in the hot tub. I’m sure we freaked-out a few of the neighbors. It was fun except for the fact that I felt ill from the poisonous pineapple CRUSH daiquiris.


June 30, 1983

I went out for lunch with John Taylor in San Francisco today. It was okay. It may have been an uplifting career move. Who knows? I hope so. I have my paycheck of five-hundred and forty-five dollars. Hurray. That’s nice.

Frank tells Tammy shit like, “You know, Michael only considers you a good friend.”
Tammy tells me, “Frank says, you are jealous about him going out with others.”
I confessed to Tammy, “You know…I hate these high-school games!”

Tonight I drove to Sunnyvale (or rather the Los Gatos area). I was lost. I realized I didn’t know where in the hell I was driving. Miraculously, I happened to see George Gregg Jones walking along on the main street of the Los Gatos town. He got into my car and we decided to go to a movie.

We chose the film WAR GAMES (starring Matthew Broderick) at the Sunnyvale Drive-In. It was a good movie except when I left my keys in the car. I started to call George by his middle name (Gregg) on this night for fun. We had a good time while watching parts of the movie. I sure do enjoy being with him. His blue eyes are a turn-on (as are other things about him)…everything.

I knew that one action, one event, would entail another, until the train was beyond my control, and that if I had doubts, this was the moment to withdraw.
-Ian McEwan
ENDURING LOVE

The Beginnings - Part 48: A WIDER PERSPECTIVE

“You had power over him. You suggested something else…This other world outside the boundaries of what he knew.”
-Christopher Rice
A DENSITY OF SOULS

The Beginnings – Part 48: A WIDER PERSPECTIVE

I helped clean Tammy’s house in the morning. I tried to teach her to wink one eye but she couldn’t do it. It was so cute and quite funny at the same time. She had to blink both eyes.

I had that PSYCHO KILLER song by the TALKING HEADS playing in my mind. There were a few other songs that came to mind this morning: MICHAEL, ROW THE BOAT ASHORE, TAMMY by Debbie Reynolds and IF by Bread. It was simply fun to be with Tammy. She looks like such a seductive tramp sometimes that it cracks me up.

I planned on a nap and a bike ride. I wanted to lie out by the swimming pool, too.

Mom telephoned with a reminder: “Uncle Howard is having his 25th Anniversary party next Sunday on July 3rd.”
I replied, “Okay, maybe I’ll bring my new friend, Tammy, that I met.”
“Who?”
“Her name is Tammy Duhr…as in Do Her,” I said.
I don’t think mom got the joke as she said, “Oh, okay.”

I rode my bike to Alameda but before I did I detoured via San Lorenzo to see Tammy again. I wanted to surprise her one more time.

While in Alameda I ate a whole cantaloupe, chatting with mom.

When I returned to San Leandro I telephoned George Jones. I felt a need to leverage out the situation since I never called him back last night. As it turned out, I may take a drive down to Sunnyvale and watch a movie with him tonight.
George said, “Just come to WHEREHOUSE RECORDS here in Sunnyvale and we can go from there.”

Doug Siu phoned me and asked, “How would you like to go to a Japanese dinner with me in San Francisco tonight with my family?”
I was flattered that he thought of me; however, I had to pull out of that one since I’d just made plans with George.
I asked myself, “Why not go out with George?”
I realized you only live once. I was curious about George…as in CURIOUS GEORGE. Ha-ha. I wanted to simply enjoy myself. I don’t want to be a hermit inside of my new apartment. Besides, it was George who invited me first. There was no point in feeling guilty over a simple outing to a movie.

I explained to Doug about the ‘pull off the covers’ incident at Tammy’s pool party yesterday. I don’t see why I had to keep it a secret. I also wanted Doug to ‘lay off’. Does he think I am possibly serious about him? I’ve never led him to believe there was any attraction. After I shared the ‘pull off the covers’ incident I wondered why I even told him. It’s really none of his business what I do. Doug is a nice guy though.

George asked me on the phone earlier, “What kind of music do you listen to?”
I explained how I like all kinds of music and he suggested we go to a concert at the Greek Theater on Friday to see the B-52’s.
“That sounds great!” I exclaimed, however, we will have to wait and see if the tickets are available.
I like meeting new people and getting a wider perspective on all sorts of personalities. It fascinates me.

As I tried to nap I received a phone call from Jackie Woods. Then, another phone call came from Frank. Finally, Tammy called.
Tammy said, “Michael and I are coming over to lie out by the pool.”
“Okay, that’s okay, I guess.”

I really do want to see George Jones tonight. If I don’t it will be just as well. I am kind of in awe that Tammy called and wants to see me again. Does she really like me? Who knows what will happen tonight? I only write this question after feeling my hardness while I napped.

Tammy and ‘gross’ Michael arrived. We talked for a while. I wouldn’t allow Tammy to smoke I my pad. It upset her. Michael kept commending my taste in furniture and the way my apartment was arranged. He’s so complimentary.
Michael said, “You’re so photogenic.”
He left after checking out my pictures.

Tammy and I sat on my couch, checking out my high-school yearbooks. I read a lot of excerpts from my journal to Tammy.
I said, “It’s great kissing you, Tammy.”
“It’s great kissing you, Michael.”

I drove Tammy home and I think she does like me more than I realized. After I read those excerpts from my journal she seemed open to me as a boyfriend.
Tammy surprised me when she said, “I didn’t think you’d be so interesting.”
Was that an insult?

The movie with George never panned out; however, the B-52’s concert is still a possibility.

June 27, 1983

While at work today I had Tammy on my mind. I telephoned her twice.

Frank also called me at work and left two messages per my coworker, Kris McKee.

I went home for dinner and decided to drop by RED ROBIN. I approached the hostess, Allison. I love her smile.
I called Frank and asked, "Why don't you join me at the RED ROBIN?"
Frank surprised me by showing up at the RED ROBIN.

When I returned to my pad I received phone calls from George Jones and Doug Siu. When I spoke to George we discussed plans to see the B-52’s Concert. It was clear that we couldn’t wait to be together.

I ended up calling Tammy and we remained on the phone for hours. I ended up reading additional parts of my journal to Tammy until two-thirty in the morning.

There were things nobody knew about me.
-Paul Lisicky
THE LAWNBOY

The Beginnings - Part 47: PULL OFF THE COVERS

The purity of desire filled him for the first time with sustenance rather than envy.  His desire offered him promise.  It would, he hoped, armor his soul, protecting the most vital parts of who he might someday be allowed to be.
-Christopher Rice
A DENSITY OF SOULS

The Beginnings – Part 47:  PULL OFF THE COVERS

June 25, 1983

I drove to Alameda to pick up some clothes at mom and dad’s house. I also ate breakfast there and returned to my apartment in San Leandro after the meal.

Doug Siu called and said he would stop by to see my new pad.

RB Furniture delivered my furniture. They delivered an oblong coffee table versus the square cocktail table I had expected. Oh well…there goes another six-weeks of patient waiting for the correct table.

Doug arrived and we drove together to Helen Wong’s. Doug drove his BMW. Helen was washing her Volkswagen when we arrived. Her brother, Dennis, was helping her. Dennis is a bit ‘slow’ because when he was a little boy he was placed on a counter for a split-second and fell down on his head. Dennis has a mentality of a thirteen year old boy.

I drank some cranberry orange juice while at Helen’s place. After the visit with Helen we returned to my place. Helen, Doug and I went over to THE TIMBERS complex swimming pool to lie out for a while. The guy who always looks at me was there.
As we left ‘the guy’ said, “Hi.”
“Hmm,” I thought to myself, “He’s questionable.”

When Doug and Helen departed I went over to the swimming pool area again but ‘the guy’ was gone.

My phone was ringing in my apartment and I answered it in the nick of time. It was George Jones, calling from Sunnyvale.
“Hey Mike,” George asked, “Do you want to go to dinner tonight?”
I hated to turn him down but I said, “Well, I made plans with Tammy for her little party deal she is having.”
“Oh.”
“How about if I call you later to see if I can make it to that Light Show you were talking about the other day?”
“That would be great. I think the last showing is at half past midnight.”
“Okay, I will call you.”
I ‘kind of’ want to go…but I just don’t know. I will have to slyly slip away from the so-called Tammy pool party.
Frank called.
“Are you going to Tammy’s party?” I asked.
“I guess.”
“You know…while I was at the pool today I heard a BILLY IDOL song that made me think of you.”
“Really?”
“Yes, it’s called IT’S SO CRUEL…WITHOUT YOU…or something like that.”
“Could you bring that BILLY IDOL tape to the party?”
“Sure.”
“Good…because I want to hear that song.”
It was a tune that reminded me of him…or it used to remind me of him.

After I hung-up the phone with Frank I felt like I should start seeing George Jones. I, of course, would still like to date Allison, the hostess at the RED ROBIN, most of all. She isn’t working tonight, so I’m hoping to drop by tomorrow night for a drink to just see her once again.

The pool party at Tammy’s was a drag…at first. In the beginning it was just Tammy, me, the ‘gross’ Michael and Frank. Frank was getting a bit wasted and acting drunk. Maybe he actually was drunk. I couldn’t believe it when I overheard Frank telling some of those guys how we met. He was going on with shit like that. He was being too crazy for me to handle. He started on with his effeminate ways. I know now that we’ll just be plain friends from here on.

The highlight of the party was probably when Frank, Vaughn, ‘gross’ Michael, Rich, Randy, Clark and ‘who knows who’ ripped-off all of the blankets from Tammy and I as we lay on her parents’ King Size water bed. There we were, lying totally naked as they all looked at us from the doorway. It was a minute that seemed to last forever. It was a little embarrassing to be exposed that way.

Everyone left soon after that ‘pull off the covers’ scene. It was a fiery fiasco.  ‘Gross’ Michael didn’t leave because he was spending the night in the spare bedroom.  Tammy and I ended up sleeping together.

She’d told him that what happened over the summer had been exactly that, something that happened over a summer.
-Michael Cunningham
THE HOURS