Michael Joe Armijo's Blog, page 135

A Steady Conversational Tone

"I kind of feel like you are my twelve year old friend and I don't want to share you."
-as heard in the 2009 film, PLAN B

Twenty-five years ago today

December 26, 1985
Thursday

What a drag to have to go to work today—but I did it anyway. It was such a slow day. I telephoned Chad several times. I arranged for him to chat with Mary McTiernan. I guess they had a lengthy chat (but she smokes—ugh!).

I had to work until 5PM. It was okay. Margaret and I went for a Wonton Soup and a Tomato Beef Chow Mein at B&M. It was so good.

It's Sue Fisher's Birthday today. They want to celebrate tomorrow but I don't want to go out (mainly because of my current financial picture). It's also because I just don't feel like it.

I went to my house after work. I had a blackout. All of my lights went out.

I had arranged to meet Chad at the gym at 6:30 PM but he arrived at 7PM. Chad picks on me sometimes. I don't like it. We did work out together.

Russ asked if my room was still available to rent.
I said, "No, sorry."
I noticed him check me out while I was conversing with Chad.

Chad shared the latest.
"I'm going to the San Francisco Airport to see my sister, brother-in-law and niece off and then I'm going to try the gym in San Francisco."
"Let me know how you like it."
I think he's also meeting with Mary McTiernan and Sue Fisher. I'm not.

I'm kind of hurt that he won't be with me but that's his prerogative.
"It's your choice," Chad says, insisting that I could go if I wanted to.
It really isn't my choice. I'm much too low on funds to even consider going out. I may not even go out on New Year's Eve.

Chad made it with me (despite what I'd said the other day). Oh well…It won't happen too often. I know Chad confides in Larry about me and 'our relationship'. I don't like that too much.
Chad confessed, "I actually liked Leonard at one time but nothing sexual ever came of it."
"Whatever…Leonard doesn't exactly excite me one way or the other."

I mentioned to Chad tonight that he often talks to me in a directive, commando tone instead of a steady conversational tone.
He directed his response right back at me: "You do the same!"
I don't want to argue with him but we seem to do a lot of it lately. It's over stupid things that I can't even recall or can even consider it worth writing about.

I am sleepy. My rest has been trimmed down ever since Chad's become a frequent guest. That's okay. I love his company a lot. Only time will tell. He sure farts a lot though. What's with that?

"It's not my fault, I didn't ask to be gay."
-as heard in the 2000 French film,
"JUST A QUESTION OF LOVE"

It Isn't Fair

You hear about anger and frustration, which are minor elements of hate. You hear about abuse and cruelty, which are bigger players on that stage, but still, only teammates. But mostly, what you hear about is inconvenience.
-John Katzenbach
"The Analyst"

Twenty-five years ago today

December 25, 1985
Wednesday

Chad arrived at around midnight. It felt like a Sunday morning when we woke up. We had a serious talk.
I said, "I just feel like it isn't fair."
"What?" Chad asked blankly.
"It's not fair that you can 'do' me and I can't 'do' you," I announced.
He stared into space.
"And so I've decided to forfeit from that sort of play."
I believe he concurred. We still care enough to continue with our relationship.

I went to mom's house to open gifts. Mom bought me a black vase and towels and toiletries for the house. She also bought me a musical floral glass arrangement, a tie, a designer handkerchief and a tape cassette case.

Helen and Tony bought me a bike cap, gloves and a cassette music tape by the group POLICE.

Sherri bought me pillows and cookies. John gave me a POLO shirt. Grandma gave me socks and a 1986 Personal Organizer.

The blemish on my chin was a pest today. It bled after a brief shave. I believe I will recover.

Mom loved her portrait photo of her three sons. She received some 'key' jewels, too from Helen. I believe they were pearl earrings from her jeweler. John and Sherri gave her a pearl necklace.

It was nap time. I took one. Sue Miller telephoned and suggested I come over to her apartment. I didn't go though. I remained at ma and pa's house until 7:30PM.

I went to add air in my car tires and went home. I wrote a few checks and then filled out some transfer forms. I've decided I want the Advertising Sales Rep. (Field Sales) position over Telephone Sales. I hope I get it.

Steph Redding telephoned to wish me a Merry Christmas. Chris Cordellos called, too! Greg Manachevitz called with Merry Wishes as well.

All in all it was a nice Christmas. It was an unforgettable one—at that.

Later that night, Chad came home to my place. His gift to me was a neat BICYCLE picture that was framed and all. It is so nice. I love it.

"I guess fitting in can be a lot more complicated than it seems."
-as heard watching the 2009 film,
ASTRO BOY

Solitude and Loneliness

The artist is the creator of beautiful things.
To reveal ART and conceal the artist is ART's aim.
-Oscar Wilde
"The Picture of Dorian Gray"

Twenty-five years ago today

December 24, 1985
Tuesday

It was Christmas Eve morning and I had to leave 'CMG' alone at my townhouse once again. I arrived at work and my peers were there but the incoming calls were not forthcoming. It was a slow, slow day. Lunch had been catered in for everyone. That was nice.

I did receive Leonard Perillo's 'Letter of Recommendation' as well. I telephoned him to say 'Thank You'. Chad sent him a Christmas card with the same Cover Newsletter I received; whereby, Leonard will read where Chad wrote about his 'newfound best-friend' (meaning me).

At 1PM I was released. I quickly headed home and Chad and I went to South Shore Shopping Center for some last minute shopping. We ran into Mike Miller. He scouted the mall with us for a while. It was kind of fun but I was tired.

I wrapped Chad's Christmas gifts (because I'm such a nice guy).

 

In solitude we are with our self, and that is what is so frightening because what if there is no self there? Some people do not have a real self. And being with oneself is always a confrontation because there is always some human problem that one is involved with, even a small one that takes some thinking about. I have said so often that SOLITUDE is the richness of self and LONELINESS the poevery of self that I was glad to think just a little bit differently about it today.
-May Sarton
At Eighty-Two, A Journal
September 18, 1993 entry
I ended up leaving Chad and Mike Miller alone at my house, wrapping gifts. I had to go to mom and dad's house. My brother, Tony, was there as was my niece, Lauren. I ate and we gabbed.

I left mom's house at 11PM. I was alone at my house but Chad would be arriving soon. I wondered if Santa was coming to town. Yawn.

Afraid to Touch

"Sometimes," he sighed, "I think the things I remember are more real than the things I see."
-Arthur Golden
"Memoirs of a Geisha"

Twenty-five years ago today

December 23, 1985
Monday

I left for work and I didn't even kiss him goodbye. I just left. I am not sure whether or not I'll call him either. I didn't sleep well at all because I felt we went to sleep on negative terms. I may or may not see him at the gym tonight. He had said he'd be going Christmas shopping today.

I like Anne Alberti, the aerobics teacher at the gym. She turns me on.

The blemish on my chin is still there and I wish it would go away.

I bought Margaret Lai a pink heart pin and a jar of strawberry preserves. I also found her son, Lance, a baby doll of a baby. I hope she'll appreciate the thought.

I wonder what comments I will get out of Mary and Ryan after last Friday night. I know they're both drooling over the CMG chum of mine.

I lost control. I telephoned Chad. He clearly wondered why I left this morning without waking him with a good bye.
I explained, "I didn't want to wake you. I was also afraid to touch you, fearing that you'd tell me to leave you alone."

Ryan asked, "So, have you recovered from last weekend?"
I replied, "Chad wanted to call and apologize for his actions. He said he normally never gets drunk like that."
Ryan smiled.

Mary looked wasted today.


Carl Brooks asked, "So Mike, where did you find such a cute roommate?"
I laughed and shrugged my shoulders.


I had a great sales day. I sold an 800 WATS Service and two RCF orders and had a couple of Pac Tel Referrals for phone equipment.


Emmalene sent me some candy from Pac Tel Info Systems. She clearly wants more referrals. Margaret Lai gifted me a box of candy as well.


The day dragged on. It wasn't very busy.


After work I came home and Chad invited me over for dinner.
It was a good meal. Now we're going to go shopping at Bay Fair Shopping Center. We'll follow that with a gym visit. He hasn't done hardly any shopping. He's cute. We bought a few things like a LIFE game for Dave and Narn. He found "Hugwood" sweat shirts for his ma and pa. The lady at the T-Shirt shop (Fat Albert's sister) was kind of a drip.

The world around him seemed a rebuke filled with connections, a near-constant tease of people meeting people in the commerce of existence.
-John Katzenbach
"The Analyst"

A Spoiled Brat

Every time they stop talking, silence looms between them, gray and heavy as a cement wall.
-Nancy Huston
"The Mark of an Angel"

Twenty-five years ago today

December 22, 1985
Sunday

We woke up at 9:30AM or so to get ready for church at the Huntwood Baptist Church. Chad and I get along—for the most part. Sometimes I feel he's a spoiled brat. If things are not done to his liking (or his way) he will pout are argue. It bugs me sometimes.

We left in my car to drive to Hayward. I'd have rather gone in his car but I made no qualms. His niece, Dawn, was dedicated at the Church. The Church was kind of nice and all Christmas-like. After the service we (that includes me, Chad and his family) met up at Carl's Jr. for lunch. I sat between Chad and Narn with my knees pressed against each of their own respective knees. It was kind of nice. Narn's a real charmer. I feel she's quite a beauty, too.

Chad and I stayed at his parent's home for a bit and munched on some goodies. We left for my place and changed into more comfortable clothes. I had to wait for Chad to use the bathroom (of which he does a lot). He takes forever while he's doing 'it' in the bathroom.
I shouted, "Hurry up!"
He snapped back at me, "I don't like to be rushed!"
Blah Blah Blah…
I didn't argue. I kept silent.

While in the closet he turned the light on. I wasn't thinking and I turned it off. I gave him a love tap on his butt cheek.
"Would you not do that?"
That enticed me to do it again. I wondered what he would do if I did it one more time. I figured I was just playing, so it didn't matter. Well, it mattered. He hit me on my arm kind of hard! I walked away. He knew I was pissed-off.


Chad apologized. I fell for his sincerity and I apologized as well. We went to San Francisco and headed over to Carl Brook's party. It was fun. Fellow co-workers Judy, Steph, and Margaret were there. Dale was there. Dale being there was beside the point. The food was pretty good. We mingled around and left by 7PM. We looked through some shops on Castro Street together. I didn't appreciate Chad's watchful eye amongst other men. I just ignored it…for the most part.


We had a happy, quaint ride home. Then Greg Manachevitz and Mike Miller kind of invited themselves over to my place. They met Chad and we sat around, listening to a tap of Greg on KYA-radio. We looked through some of my pictures and postcards. Greg and Mike left and Chad had a comment about Greg:
"He's so obnoxious!"
"Yeah, I know."
"I liked Mike though," Chad said, "but it seems like he's been hurt before or is searching or lagging in his life."
"That's true, too," I replied, even though I thought Chad was being overly dramatic in his psychoanalysis.


Chad pissed me off when he said, "Please get off me!"
It was some sort of phrase like that. I gave him a piece of his own medicine.
I said, "Get OFF me!"
We did very little cuddling. I was fed up during our night. Everything's got to be his way. He wants to call the shots. I do NOT have to abide by them. I don't need Chad Glen. I've lived fine before I knew him. Yet, I don't want to lose him—ever.
Tonight Chad asked, "If we ever break up—can I still run my fingers through your hair?"
That question is a bad sign. Why he is such an inconsiderate asshole when I touch him? He tells me 'not to touch him'. When he touches me I allow it—no matter what (except for maybe in a public place). And now I gave him a piece of his own medicine tonight.
While in bed I abruptly stated, "Please take your leg off of me."
I turned on my other side and tried to sleep. Of course, all the while I was hoping he'd caress me because I do love the guy a lot.

All life was a compromise.
-Patricia Highsmith
"The Boy Who Followed Ripley"

Missing In Action

We lead our lives like water flowing down a hill, going more or less in one direction until we splash into something that forces us to find a new course.
-Arthur Golden
"Memoirs of a Geisha"

Twenty-five years ago today

December 21, 1985
Saturday

Chad woke up early and left for his folks' house to attend a marathon of some sort.
"Call me around three o'clock," Chad said as he headed out the door.

I went over to mom and dad's house for breakfast. My niece, Ashley, was there and I took her for a walk to the DIGITAL EQUIPMENT SYSTEMS building on Harbor Bay Parkway. Then Sherri and I took Ashley to see Santa Claus. Ash didn't want to get on Santa's lap.
Sherri freaked out when the Santa said, "You should have brought John!"
Sherri thought he really was Santa Claus, at first. She later learned that the Santa was Fred, her next door neighbor!

At 3PM I called Chad and we made arrangements to meet up at the gym, followed by a visit to that Portrait Studio to pick up my mom's portrait photo of my brothers and me.

I gave Chad some homemade M and M Cookies. We went our separate ways. Chad was having a family dinner. I, too, went to visit with my mom and dad.

I began watching the movie VISION QUEST with my parents and then I went home.


I gave Chad a phone call and then I started to jump rope repeatedly until he came over. He arrived before 10:30PM. We both beamed with light and happiness over the sight of one another. We began watching a movie called MISSING IN ACTION and then we hit the hay. It was a JO session before night-night.

"...I amuse him, he toys with me."
-Thomas Harris
"Hannibal"

Shooting The Breeze

It is like the first disinterested sigh a lover sends over the telephone wires, the sigh that signals the earliest beginning of the end.
-Michael Cunningham
"The Hours"

Twenty-five years ago today

December 20, 1985
Friday

At least I received my check for $86.18 today. It helps. Anything helps, actually.

Chad seemed upset this morning---but not at me. He is having lunch with Rick. He is some other guy at our gym who happens to be treating Chad for his Birthday. Chad introduced me to him.
I commented by saying, "Well, tell Rick I said HI."
"No! I hate to talk about you to other people," Chad retorted seriously.
That was a low blow. I didn't appreciate it. Sometimes I think Chad often speaks before he thinks. Am I just overly sensitive?

Dad telephoned me last night. We exchanged a few kind words as he invited me over.
"Well, I have to wrap more gifts—but I'll come over on Saturday."

Tonight is 'Celebration and Good Bye' night at Barnaby's for Karyn Kossoff. I may go for a little while but not too long. Mary McTiernan and Chad are probably going to go, too.

Mary McTiernan and I walked to Barnaby's from the office. I saw Elizabeth Center en route to the bar/restaurant. Michelle Falls showed up as did the rest of the gang (Bob Gross, Kelly, Ryan, Chad, Ron, Shelly, Bryan, etc.). Karyn and I had a few dances. She gave me all of this hogwash about how she cares so much about me.
She said, "You need to come to terms with your sexuality."
I—kind of—don't appreciate her analysis. I'm perfectly fine and happy living the way I'm living.

Chad and Mary acted like 'an item' for most of the evening. Ryan and Chad were outside together 'shooting the breeze'. Who knows what they were talking about?

We all walked back to my car. I dropped Mary and Ryan off at their requested locations.
Chad confessed, "I was holding Ryan's hand in the backseat."


During the walk to my car Chad made a couple of comments.
Chad blurted blindly, "Yeah, Michael's Spanish—so you know that means he was brought up on the other side of the tracks."

I feel I've had a way better upbringing than Chad, Ryan or Mary.  I don't know why he said that. It makes no sense.  Then Chad made another drunkard comment about how I ought to go to my "Versateller Machine" and get more money out. I'm not sure if I can trust Chad anymore. Does he think I'm stupid? Am I being used? Is it all a waste of time? No, he cares a lot about me. It's just that there are times when his behavior reminds me of Dale Orlando! He speaks before he thinks! In a strange way this is good because he can't take back what he says. It's already been heard.


Chad and I drove to my place. We fell asleep by 1:30AM or so…

"Grown ups are often scared because they don't know what's important in life. That's what I'm trying to teach you. Think about all the little things going on right now to make this a happy moment.  You and me, us talking, the sunrise, the smell of coffee...and you looking at my hands...avoiding my eyes."
-Marc Levy
"If Only It Were True"

My Fingers Are Crossed

I had learned the consequences of telling the truth were as dire as those of lying.
-Jane Frame, An Autobiography

Twenty-five years ago today

December 19, 1985
Thursday

Chad somehow makes my weeks move a lot faster.

Effective January 20th my Business Office will trial off-shifting. I may be working from 8AM until 4:30PM. Hurrah! And January 9th is the day my Job Transfer Requests will be submitted. My fingers are crossed for that, too. If I go to Los Angeles via a job transfer I wonder if Chad would come along, too. (?)

As I was speaking to Chad today I recalled him saying, "Hey, I could go to UCLA if I transfer to L.A.!"
So who knows? That could work out fine. Maybe--one day?

I purchased Sherri some magazines for part of her Christmas gift.

I enjoyed some yogurt during my lunch hour.

At 5:40PM my phone was ringing at home. It was Chad.
"I'm having my tires changed, so I can meet you at the gym!"
"Great, see you there!"
Just as I arrived at 24 Hour Fitness I saw Chad walking in at the same time. He explained that he had to meet his family at the Oakland Airport. He had to pick-up his sister, brother-in-law and new niece, Dawn.

I worked out until 8PM.

We looked through a Hallmark Shop together and then went our separate ways.

When I was home I found myself wrapping gifts and watching "The Colby's".

Chad telephoned me from his parents' house.
Then he phoned again at 9:45PM and said, "I'll be over soon."
We watched a movie with Kristy McNichol. It was a sleeper. I was falling asleep watching it, so we went to bed.


I had better close, in fact, before I burden you with further claptrap from my psyche.
-Alice Munro
"The Jack Randa Hotel",
a short story

Hard To Tell

"You're spooking me."
-Christopher Bram
"Surprising Myself", a novel

Twenty-five years ago today

December 18, 1985
Wednesday

It was a hardship waking up this morning. I managed okay.

I telephoned Chad a number of times throughout my work day. Chad told me that he had called Leonard!
Chad admitted, "Leonard said that you were non-intelligent, a kind of an air head and that you lead a boring life."
I couldn't believe my ears.
Per Chad, Leonard asked nonchalantly, "So you and Michael are friends, huh?"
"I guess," Chad replied.
Chad insists that he stuck up for me. I thought that was nice even though his 'I guess' reply left much to be desired.

As far as Leonard, the balding entrepreneur, is concerned--well, I simply feel he is jealous. How can one really define a boring life? As long as one's happy and dynamic throughout one's adventures in life it can be quite wonderful. Life would never be boring. I feel I am enjoying myself. 'Boring' is a Leonard word and one I rarely use. So, who is the boring one?

Chad received his college class schedule for next quarter. His schooling makes me miss school. I am considering going back for an advanced degree. One class per quarter or semester should be easy enough to handle.

I met Chad at his house at around 7PM. I was kind of down. I kept thinking of my bills that seem never ending. I am hoping it will all work out better for me in 1986. I am tempted to cut-up my last CHASE VISA card and become a 'strictly cash only' type. Perhaps that will be a consideration effective January 1st.

I need to find a gift for Paloma! Maybe MACY's Clearance Place will have something original.

Chad and I went to the CHABOT THEATER and saw the films "Target" and "Live and Die in L.A.". The second flick was a low-budget one that showed very badly. It was a fun night (even though we didn't even hold hands). Haha—the hand holding was his idea.
Some old bag in the balcony made us laugh when the film had a brief cut and she yelled, "Hey, what's going on up there?"
I couldn't stop laughing.

We dropped by my bank where I advanced myself two-hundred dollars. We ate at Jack-In-The-Box. After the meal we went to Chad's house. Coincidentally, we met Randy who was arriving at the same moment. It was only a pit-stop for Chad to pick-up a few things. We quickly returned to my place where we discussed Mrs. Fields (aka Debbie Sivyer), Larry, 'us', and the errand of picking-up Chad's sister and brother-in-law tomorrow.


Yesterday night I forgot to mention the Glen Scillian Story, a mystery that unraveled before me. Chad's real birth name was Glen Scillian, named after his father. Chad shared with me his frightening childhood. He was an abused child by his father (physically) and his mother (sexually). I was a bit shocked to learn this being that they're both so religious. His father is a Reverend.
Chad said, "That's why I changed my name a few years ago…to forget and close that part of my life."
He explained how he hated his Dad but they are very loving now. Chad mentioned how his folks made him feel retarded (and actually sent him with a retarded group in one a handicapped bus.
"I really believed I was retarded for a time."


I really feel for Chad and love him so. I was glad he shared that 'hard to tell' part of his life with me. I don't view him any differently. I only know I want him to be a very key part of my life.


Chad and I did some 'nookie' and then fell fast asleep.

A Memorial Note found at Tributes.com:

Glen C. Scillian, Ph.D Jan. 19, 1928 - Feb. 12, 2009 Resident of Hayward Glen went to be with the Lord early Thursday morning, February 12, 2009. He was diagnosed with stage 4 Lymphoma 5 1/2 days prior to his death. He passed away peacefully at home with his children present. He was 81 years old. Glen was a World War II Korea Veteran. He was a Christian minister for 40 years and was Senior Pastor at Bay Hills Community Church in Hayward for 29 years before he retired in 1998. His wife, Merrill, predeceased him in March 2000. He is survived by his daughters Kathy Schiave and Karen Thur, sons Chad Mark Glen and David Scillian, granddaughter Dawn Schiave-Calhoun and great granddaughter Aubree Calhoun. He will be deeply missed. A memorial service will be held Saturday, February 21, 2009 at 11:00 a.m. at Bay Hills Community Church, 25830 Gading Road, Hayward, CA 94544, 510-782-7663. In lieu of flowers, a donation can be made to one of the following organizations: Bay Hills Community Church, write in the check memo "Glen Scillian Memorial Fund" and mail to 25830 Gading Road, Hayward, CA 94544.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
-Martin Booth
"The Industry Of Souls", a novel

The Usual Hogwash

...an element of ritual was in play.
-Ian McEwan
"Enduring Love"

Twenty-five years ago today

December 17, 1985
Tuesday

I left Chad at my house. We departed with mutual 'good spirits' this morning. We will probably meet up at the gym this evening. I feel sleepy on this morning.

I made it through my work day. Mary McTiernan and I took a walk for a hot dog during our lunch period. We sat around on Market Street and did some people watching, too.

I have been working diligently (as usual). I am kind of tired from all the excitement of Chad keeping me up late.

I went home and wanted to take a nap. I didn't nap and chose to head over to visit my Dad at around 7PM. While I was at Dad's two old friends of Tony's had stopped by to inquire about him. Their names are Jim Mavroganis and John Horton. Eight years had passed since they were all in high-school together. My Dad and I talked to them for a while.

Eventually, I found myself at the gym and saw Leonard Perillo. He seemed uncomfortable about running in to me but he shook my hand anyway.
"I've been so busy and not feeling all that well," Leonard explained.
It was the usual hogwash.
Leonard asked, "Did you ever receive my letter?"
I believe he was referring to a Letter of Recommendation to accompany my Job Transfer Request.
"No," I said, "I never got it!"
"Well, you should call my office," Leonard announced defensively and professionally.
I thought quietly to myself, "I really don't need to waste my time. I can continue my life without his aid or assistance just fine."
Just as I turned around I saw Chad.

Chad and I exchanged a few words.
Chad asked, "Did you receive my message?"
"Oh yeah, I did," I said, realizing he meant the 'listed note' about his thoughts and feelings.
He smiled.
I love it when he smiles.
I had a feeling Leonard was observing our interaction but it was NBD (No Big Deal).

Chad and I worked out together for the first time tonight. Chad gave me some pointers. I liked working out with him. It was fun and helpful.

Afterwards, Chad and I went to the Bay Fair Shopping Center where my portrait (for my mom) was still not ready. We meandered through the Mall a bit. We had a good time between yogurt and Mrs. Field's Cookies. Yogurt is my current line of interest while Mrs. Field's is currently favored by Chad.

PHOTO: The Heartbreak Kid, 1972 Film Clip

After the Bay Fair excursion Chad followed me to my house. We started to watch "THE HEARTBREAK KID" movie but we were interrupted by a phone call. It was Larry calling at 11:25PM. I didn't hear the actual conversation but Chad told me that Larry called to say he wanted him to move out. Chad was having one heated discussion with Larry. I just sort of sat around on stand-by, pretending not to listen.

After Chad's intense phone call we went to bed. Loved. Slept.

Yet, simultaneous with this love, he felt a burning shame.
-Shyam Selvadurai
'Cinnamon Gardens', a novel