Michael Kindt's Blog, page 33
September 16, 2016
I had this girlfriend one time who had a glass dildo she called...
I had this girlfriend one time who had a glass dildo she called “the juicer”. It looked very much like this one, except hers was longer, thicker, and had a small two-stroke single cylinder gas engine on it. I’d often say to her, “Sorry, babe, you’re gonna have to dance with the juicer tonight. I got a headache.”
I remember the handle on it, though. Very similar to this one. You could crank it like you were reeling in a fish and she would squeal like a newborn pig. What dildo can say that?
Me and her, we didn’t last too long. Something about me not having a job and her having to support me. Also, she was always bitching, “You and your damn migraines!” Her thinking was: if I’m going to support you, the least you could do is fuck me.
I love glass dildos and always buy them for my friends. There’s nothing like seeing their eyes light up around Christmas time or on birthdays when they finally tear away that last piece of wrapping paper. My male friends tend to be especially surprised.
Usually on a date, if things are going well, I’ll say over the spinach and artichoke dip appetizer (I take all my dates to Applebee’s), “Honey, one day we’ll be married and I will show you the sterile and smoke-free bingo halls of Furthest Florida. We’ll play shuffleboard and wear white slacks after Labor Day. We’ll eat supper at 4:30 pm and party all the way till the crack of 9 pm.”
I am in my 40s now and am quite disconcerted that I’m still single. You would think some lucky lady would have scooped me up by now.
My last date was with a super liberal girl, so I, of course, became super liberal, too. I was all “I’m totally non-GMO and gluten-free. Very organic and terribly eco-friendly. My favorite color is green and I drive an electric car. All white people are racists and I think those bastards, the Angles, Saxons, and Jutes, should go the fuck back home and give Great Britain back to the Celts—Oh, wait. I meant to talk about Native Americans. Nevermind.”
She didn’t buy any of it, even when I swore up and down that Burning Man wasn’t retarded.
So here I sit alone with my vodka and lemonade, looking at glass dildo pictures on the internet.
Life, my friends, is good.
September 14, 2016
Venezuela's "Death Spiral" - A Dozen Eggs Cost $150 As Hyperinflation Horrors Hit Socialist Utopia | Zero Hedge
It’s a real bitch when you run out of other people’s money.
September 13, 2016
Bring it, bitch. I got tomatoes for feet.
Bring it, bitch. I got tomatoes for feet.
September 12, 2016
dazedreampegasus:
early-onset-of-night:
“People wanted her...
“People wanted her to act more like Bernie, but I don’t think they meant the one from ‘Weekend at Bernie’s.’ ”
#NewYorker
If a man had pneumonia and tried to work through it without even slowing down his schedule until he passed out from it, you’d praise his work ethic and call him tough and impressive for it, acknowledging that most people would have been in bed for weeks. But she’s a woman, so you mock her for it. Because you’re sexist.
Fuck you, you precious little cunt. This is a cartoon from the New Yorker, Usually, a liberal mouthpiece. I happened to think it was amusing.
If a woman tries, she can always find a way to hate a man. Hey, more power to her, and I must say, good luck with all that.
“People wanted her to act more like Bernie, but I don’t think...
“People wanted her to act more like Bernie, but I don’t think they meant the one from ‘Weekend at Bernie’s.’ ”
#NewYorker
September 9, 2016
What would suck the most?
is a method of predicting the future I have been perfecting for over a year now. In its simplest terms, one can determine what will happen in any given situation by determining what event or development, in that given situation, would suck the most.
The situational nature of this method is key. Obviously, what would suck the most can be blown up to any size, rendering it disconnected from the situation. For example, every time I’m late for work, I hit every stop light, making me even later. Every damn time. But, hey, a meteor could hit the earth, poking a hole through it and leaving behind a dead, desolate space donut. So what would suck the most has to stay in the immediate situation or, like most things in life, it makes no sense.
One time I was running late for work and, of course, hitting every stop light when I realized that what would suck the most would be my truck breaking down. Sure enough, two blocks later I was stranded along the side of the road. Then, a new what would suck the most reared its ugly head, a what would suck the most I hadn’t even thought of: my phone had died. Now I couldn’t even call my boss. You know what else sucks the most? I had paid for roadside assistance for over three years and never used it once and now here was the very situation that called for it and I couldn’t call for it because my damn phone had died. Grumbling “fuck it”, I took a tent out of the back of my truck, set it up along the side of the road and lived there for eight days, eating litter and roadkill and drinking dirty, cigarette butt infested rainwater. Eventually, the police came along and chased me away.
I stumbled upon what would suck the most while trying to plug a cord into hard to reach outlet. I was straining and groaning, bent over, my arm out to its maximum limit, and thought, wouldn’t it suck if I had the plug upside down and the prongs wouldn’t fit because they’re reversed?
Sure enough.
Now I was trying, out of sight and one handed, to flip the plug when I thought, wouldn’t it suck if I dropped the cord?
Sure enough.
Now I was reeling the cord back and getting ready to do the whole thing over when I thought, wouldn’t it suck if it snagged on something?
Sure enough.
You know what else sucks? Living in a 1950s era house with a bunch of electronic shit. One outlet per room is all those proto-hominids needed back in the 50s. Today we need 47 outlets, not only per room, but per wall.
You know else sucks? Having a heavy piece of furniture in front of every outlet.
(Feng shui, though, especially sucks).
I will continue to perfect my what would suck the most methodology for predicting the future, and when I feel it is ready, I will bestow it upon humanity. Murphy and his law can blow me.
I fully expect pilgrimages to my graveside after this shit.
September 8, 2016
"Never date a feminist" is trending on Twitter right now. (Yes, I occasionally pop in even though my account is on autopilot and I follow no one).
But seriously. I have been dating (mostly trying to date) since the 80s and they were ALL feminists. Women in 2016 are by default feminist. The programming has worked.
I had sex with a woman last night who once told me that men will soon no longer be needed. Sperm will be grown in the lab. It will be ‘corrected’ to only produce female offspring.
She went down on me after she said this, so I kinda think she’s full of shit.
“Jane, you ignorant slut.”
“Jane, you ignorant slut.”
