Michael Kindt's Blog, page 109

Oddfellows Local 151 - REM“Darkness is the least appreciated...

Oddfellows Local 151 - REM

“Darkness is the least appreciated color.”

Captain Morgan is NOT rum.

All summer long I have been drinking spirits. Avoiding beer. Too many calories.

Do you realize some of the more premium beers out sugar soft drinks, like Coke and what not? Out sugar them!

For me, it came down to efficiency. I can drink 8 ounces, or even 16 ounces of a spirit, whereas for the same effect I would’ve had to consume a gallon or more of beer. Given the numbers….

I love beer, but no thanks. I’ll pass.

I drank tequila all Summer, and now as we fade into fall, rum.

Urine is a good way to tell. I mean, all alcohol, whether it comes from beer or spirits, makes you pee. It’s a diuretic.

But when you’re getting all lit up on beer, you pee and pee again. Pee and pee again. And again.

The constant peeing is a sign your body is processing a lot of fluids: BEER.

This is ok, but you’re making it (your body) work. Nobody likes to work, even your body.

Alcohol, as a drug, is terribly inefficent. LSD, you can get fucked up on in micrograms. Pot, a few hits. You need a substantial amount of booze, in whatever case. A whole glass of it, at least. A beer or two if you’re a lightweight. Still. ALOT, chemically-speaking.

It’s the most inefficient drug known to man–and the best. It’s legal for a reason: because illegality was not tolerated by the people. Marijuana is rising to such an occasion as well. 

We will not tolerate, as a people, the continued outlawing of marijuana. I mean, seriously.

But alcohol will always be Man’s drunk. It always has been and always will be, from the time those first apemen came upon some rotting honey to now, when the guy writing this is drinking Jamaican rum.

Yah, mon!

Have you ever been completely naked except for your socks and shoes?

It’s a really odd feeling. You feel like you’re ready to go out and do things, but no, no you are not.

I won’t tell you how the situation arose, but extremely recently I have found myself completely naked except for socks and shoes (Argyles and Oxfords). I find it quite delightful.

I wanted to go outside into the yard and did, “The dogs have to pee,” I told myself as I walked past my flannel robe.

I have two dogs, Daisy and Duke, and the three of us peed in the pale moonlight. Even though it was dim, I could tell the two of them were looking at me weird.

“Is Mike ok?” they seemed to wonder.

I’m fine, babies. Very fine.

Back inside, I thought it would be cool to continue to be completely naked except for socks and shoes, and so I am.

I poured myself a relaxing glass of Appleton rum and am sitting here on Tumblr typing this.

My seat is leather and my ass is naked. Shimmying for comfort does not appear to be an option. I seem to be quite stuck.

Will they find me here tomorrow, dead? Plastered to a leather chair, Tumblr open on the laptop, completely naked except for my socks and shoes?

Man, I hope so!

When a man has big hands and big feet, you ladies know what that means, don’t you?

Yep. Big gloves and big shoes.

Photo

So I won 50 bucks at bingo tonight

and when I was standing in line to buy my card, the old Russian lady was behind me.

I don’t know if she’s really Russian or not. Maybe she’s Czech or Polish or Belarusish. I know enough about languages and accents to tell that’s she’s certainly Slavic. Me, I’m just calling her the old Russan lady because I know it will piss somebody somewhere off, and probably a Hillary Clinton supporter, to boot.

It’s like killing two stones with one bird!.

She’s a sweetheart and we always exchange pleasantries if we happen to be around each other at bingo, like tonight in line buying our cards, or over getting popcorn or Twing Bings.

“Good luck! I hope you win!” I said to her.

“You, too!” she said.

First game of the night: she won. Second game of the night: I won. No lie. It was kismet or whatever kismet is among the mighty Slavs.

During the intermission, we high-fived. Haha. It’s a bit odd high-fiving a tiny, ancient Russian woman who may be Polish, Czech, Slovakian, or Serb.

Perhaps, it suddenly occurs to me, she’s Jewish. Perhaps she got the hell out of Europe because it has proven to be time and again so enlightened and tolerant toward Jewish folks.

During the intermission, I stood outside talking to my bingo acquaintences. I don’t know any of their names, but there’s the fat guy and the bald guy and the woman who only wears sweats and the guy with the really long sideburns. We talked about my shoes. I have just purchased a pair of wingtip Oxfords and they found the fact that they weren’t tennis shoes quite perplexing.

“Are they comfortable?”
“How much did they cost?”
“What happens if you put them in the washer?”
“Do they light up when you walk?”
“Why didn’t you just buy tennis shoes?”

And so on.

“Why would I buy tennis shoes?” I said to them. “Everybody wears tennis shoes. What, do you want me to listen to Taylor Swift and constantly stare at my phone, too?”

They all looked up from their phones suspiciously, eyes going Was that an insult?

Yes. Yes, it was.

I spent $9 of the $50 on a stainless steel flask.

“For the drunk on the go!”

I bought it because I’ve never owned a flask and, really, doesn’t it seem like I should?

Which is the bigger scam: home-ownership or college?

Either way they got you convinced that going into debt for 40 years is a good idea.

I’m going to make a 15-hour documentary about Ken Burns.

Fire Nuns. Workin.Men work. Take your sexism, shove it up your...

Fire Nuns. Workin.

Men work. Take your sexism, shove it up your ass.

Men have to work. We’ll tune into your outrage later.

:)

At 22, he started his first business, which failed.

He then ran for the state legislature, and lost. He started a second business, which also failed. Having nothing better to do, he decided to have a nervous breakdown, and did. He then ran for the state legislature again, and again lost.

Tired of being local, he ran for a seat in the House of Representatives. He lost. A few years later, he ran again and actually won. Two years later however, when he sought reelection, he was voted out.

So, what the hell, he ran for the U.S. Senate. And lost. He was then placed, somehow, on the ticket as Vice President.

He lost.

Two years later he became the 16th President of the United States. Abraham Lincoln, ladies and gentlemen. Proof you can never fuck up too much.