Abigail Barnette's Blog, page 86

Look at this mathematical Adventure Time room!

Julie, citizen of Trout Nation, and her boyfriend decided to do something special for his seven year old son. It is…algebraic!

That’s not the best part! Wait for it…

Oh my glob, forget a race car bed! This lucky kid gets to sleep on Jake every night!

I’m so glad Julie shared these pictures with me, and then let me share them with all of you. This totally made my day, and also I am feverish with envy.

Bad Boy Next Door boxed set cover reveal!

 

 

Bad Boys Next Door Box Set — Available March 16, 2015

 

There’s just something about a bad boy… It could be that neighbor you’ve had the hots for forever. Or maybe the guy in the cabin or office next door. It might even be a guy you meet on vacation or one you’ve known since you were a kid.

 

Twelve prolific authors, including New York Times Bestseller and USA Today Bestseller, Selena Kitt, and USA Today Bestseller, Jenny Trout writing as Abigail Barnette, present a sizzling collection of erotic romance sure to bring you to your knees and make you believe in love again – or, at least, lust at first sight!

 

Set also includes: Gwendolyn Cease, Bronwyn Green, Tilly Greene, Elise Hepner, Jessica Jarman, Sommer Marsden, Kris Norris, Paige Prince, Charlotte Stein, and Alison Tyler.

 

Abigail Barnette (Jenny Trout) – Bad Boy, Good Man

 

Newly independent real-life adult Ellie McCormack loves everything about her first apartment…except her neighbor. His bi-weekly sex fests keep her up at night in more ways than one as she wonders about the man who’s making all the noise—and what he’s doing to make his women so damn loud.

 

But even her wildest fantasies couldn’t conjure up a man like Antony DeLuca. When she works up the nerve to confront him, she’s expecting a player, but there’s more to Antony than his carefree sexual escapades. One hot night with him helps Ellie see through the man who drives women wild, to the good guy beneath it all. A guy that she just might be able to fall for…

 

Gwendolyn Cease – No Strings

 

All Kaitlin O’Neal wants to do is fix her sink. She’s intelligent and resourceful. Plus, she’s got her own tools. How hard could it be? Apparently, extremely hard, since her attempt left the sink in an unusable condition. When her next-door neighbor, Cameron Sinclair, offers to help her fix the mess and renovate the rest of the kitchen, she jumps at the chance. She’d be a fool not to, right? Cameron, though, is hotter than hot and makes her an offer she can’t refuse.

 

Cameron has wanted Kaitlin since she moved next door. So what if she’s older than him? She’s beautiful, sexy, and he wants to get to know her better. He offers her a no strings affair—one he hopes will keep her coming back to his bed. Between home improvements and steamy sex, Cameron realizes that their no strings fling will never be enough, but can he convince Kaitlin he’s worth the risk?

 

Bronwyn Green – Drawn That Way

 

Tristan Weaver, accountant for a successful video game company, is in way over her head. Honestly answering a company-wide survey and criticizing the sexist stereotypes used in the company’s games was enough to catch her boss’ attention.But speculating on his sex life within his earshot has unexpected consequences when her hot, but nerdy, boss invites her to model for him.

 

Owner, artist and lead developer of Brecken Games, Rory Brecken, has a strict no fraternizing with employees rule. However, when he overhears Tristan’s conversation with her friend about his rumored kinks and begins to suspect her curiosity in the submissive side of sex, he’s more than a little tempted. When her interest is undeniably confirmed, he suggests a onetime only, colleagues with benefits hook-up.

 

Though neither want a relationship, once isn’t enough for either one of them. As their encounters become more intense, Rory makes a huge mistake that may cost him the woman he’s coming to love.

 

Tilly Greene – Her Wicked Ride

 

Mike Mulligan co-owns a garage and fixes cars. He rides a Harley, is covered in tattoos and has spent time in jail. Since being released he’s tried to live a clean life, but he’s a bad boy with women, very bad and terribly sexy. Bondage, domination, and so much more, are his preferences when playing with the ladies, and there have been a variety until the last one.

 

For the first time, he had to work for a yes. All summer, they’ve had fabulously wild no-holds-barred sex, but one morning everything changes.With chaos in the garage, a cup of coffee in hand, and a half-naked Sherry Gonzales in his lap, his eyes are opened to wanting more than sex with her. Mike’s solution is to go on a date, their first date.

 

The night starts out fine. But things get wicked on the back of his bike before taking a turn, but for the good or bad?

 

Elise Hepner – A Marriage of Inconvenience

 

When Izzy Thorton’s mother falls ill and is given a terminal diagnosis the last thing Izzy anticipates is a proposal from her best friend, Sebastian Leery, to fulfill her mother’s dying wish. Only one snafu keeps Izzy from saying yes—she’s in love with him. But before she can say much of anything to his proposal, Bash takes the reins by telling her mother the good news.

 

Unable to fight her undeniable attraction to her playboy best friend—Izzy goes through with the best and worst mistake of her life. No sooner are the rings exchanged when they both realize their friendship can only bridge so many gaps. Sebastian has no hope of keeping his skeletons in the closet and Izzy doesn’t know how much longer she can keep her heart out of the equation.

 

Together they fumble through the darkness of their past to a future that might just be a little more clear–if they can fight their chemistry long enough to talk.

 

Jessica Jarman – London Bound

 

After losing her husband six years ago, Meg Stevens has focused on the day-to-day and being a mother, not sparing a thought for anything beyond—no dates, no excitement, no life other than what she already had. A six-week vacation to London, all but forced on her by her two children, changes all of that. Meg meets the man of her dreams—gorgeous, dominant, and completely on board with a short-term fling—despite the fact he’s far too young for her.

 

Nathan Harris is more than a bit curious about the beautiful woman renting the upstairs flat, and once he talks to her, curiosity is quickly replaced by arousal and desire. It doesn’t take long before it’s clear she longs to experience sexual submission, and Nathan finds himself desperate to be the one she submits to.

 

Her days spent exploring the city, her nights exploring Nathan and the pleasure submitting to him brings, Meg discovers the trip she’d taken out of obligation has turned into something she doesn’t want to walk away from. However, the life she left behind beckons, and there’s no room there for dreaming of something she can never have.

 

Selena Kitt – Working for the Weigands

 

Lloyd “Boone” Goodhart has been working for the Weigands since he was in high school, mowing their ornamental lawn, shoveling their long, winding driveway and skimming their enormous in-ground pool for extra cash, much of which he gives to his mom, a single-mother who has worked in the Wal-Mart bakery for twenty years. Boone, more apathetic cynic than true slacker, is also attending community college, bagging groceries at a local supermarket, and rebuilding his dead-beat dad’s old Harley.

 

His second summer after high school graduation starts out just as mundane and routine as the first, but Boone’s world turns upside down when Mrs. Weigand tells him her husband has left her, and her daughter has returned from boarding school in Europe, where Danielle “Ellie” Weigand has spent the past five years.

 

Before he knows which way is up, Mrs. Weigand starts requesting extra services of Boone—in more ways than one—while her daughter, Ellie, teases him mercilessly, just like she did in junior high. He soon finds himself immersed in a desperate, passionate affair, with not just one woman, but two.

 

Will the attention of both mother and daughter be more than he can handle, or will his growing feelings for them be more than he can bear?

 

Sommer Marsden – The Anniversary Party

 

Kylie Walker is cracking under the stress of hosting a thirtieth anniversary party for her parents and trying to keep up with her freelance writing deadlines. With a new house, a well-meaning but useless sister, and roughly forty people about to descend on her home, she doesn’t think it can get much worse. Until her mother’s friend, Mrs. Sinclair, calls to ask if they might bring one more person. Her son, Wade. The man who up and left Kylie eight years before.

 

Wade Sinclair has come back to town with one hope—to make things right with his high school sweetheart. Still hopelessly in love with Kylie, Wade knows he must come clean about why he left her all those years ago so he can finally set about reclaiming what he never should have let go of in the first place—her love.

 

Can they put their past behind them and look toward the future? Or will the anniversary party be the end of them altogether?

 

Kris Norris – Force of Nature

 

Love—an unparalleled force of nature.

 

Conservation Officer, Finley McKay, isn’t a stranger to criticism. Taking risks to protect delicate ecosystems doesn’t impress most people—including the doctor renting the cabin beside hers. The man’s arrogant, opinionated and far too sexy in his faded jeans and tees. She already knows he’s an ass—she just wished it mattered enough to make her keep her distance.

 

Dr. Coen Brady isn’t looking to fit in. Having recently retired from the military, he’s hoping to spend a few months hiding from the world in a small, out-of-the-way town in northern Washington.

 

But just his luck, he has the misfortune of running into his next-door neighbor. A girl who seems determined to get herself killed before his time there is up. She’s reckless, stubborn and slowly driving him insane.

 

When anger morphs into angry sex, Coen knows taking her to bed is a calculated risk—one he might regret when her investigation turns deadly, leaving Finley’s life hanging in the balance. Breaking a few rules to keep her in the game doesn’t seem that dangerous, until it becomes painfully obvious she won’t stop until justice is served—even if the price is her life.

 

Paige Prince – Lost Treasure

 

Danielle Almasi-Epperson’s parents were killed in a tragic car accident when she was eight years old, leaving her world famous, Egyptologist grandfather to raise her in their stead. While she had the pleasure of growing up on archaeological digs, he never believed that the field was a woman’s place. All she’s ever dreamed of is adventure and the kind of love her parents had.

 

Jareth Riley was the boy in the tent next door to Danielle’s at every dig she could remember while growing up. Her grandfather and his father labeled him a troublemaker from day one. So, when Danielle and Jareth fall in love and lose their virginity to each other, it takes no time at all for her grandfather to ship her off to Harvard.

 

Ten years later, she’s working as a curator at a museum and he’s a treasure hunter. When he shows up on her doorstep asking for help to find a lost artifact with supposed mystical powers, she can’t help but say yes. In no time at all, they’re on the run from mad men with guns and rekindling the romance that had never quite died. Will they be able to restore the lost treasure to the rightful owners, or will they destroy their chance at happiness or lose their lives in the attempt?

 

Charlotte Stein – Curveball

 

When Judy Myers is offered a relaxing vacation to get away from her latest heartbreak, she can’t say no. A cruise on her brother’s yacht sounds like heaven…until she realizes her brother’s best friend has been invited along for the ride.

 

Steven Stark is big, he’s loud, and he’s obviously not interested in the plump, plain little sister he used to tease unmercifully. In fact, he’s still quite happy to tease her – until she turns the tables on him. Now, Steven can’t seem to keep his thoughts, or his hands, to himself. And worse, Judy’s not sure she can resist the attraction she’s kept buried for so many years.

 

Being trapped on a boat isn’t the best place to be, when you’re suddenly thrown a hunky curveball.

 

Alison Tyler – The Spanking House

 

The Spanking House is a fantastical tale of a writer struggling against the beast known as “writer’s block.” Mia Rogers rents a cozy cottage in a small town in hopes of jumpstarting the novel she can’t seem to finish. When she meets Tripp Johnson, she becomes motivated in ways she previously hadn’t thought possible.

Tough love for Born Again Thin People

I’ve talked on this blog before about once-fat people who have changed their lives, shed the weight, and become as shallow, uncaring, and downright trashy as they used to think thin people were. Case in point, the author who had gastric bypass surgery and publicly shamed me in front of readers at a conference. I’ve started calling them Born Again Thin People, because they remind me of the people who “find Jesus” and suddenly think they have a license to criticize every little detail of your life.

I hate these people. They were fat once. They know what it’s like to be fat. They’ve felt that public ridicule and abuse. And the second they feel safely thin, the second they realize they aren’t as fat as they once were, it’s like someone handed them a license to throw any scrap of human decency they might have had to the wind.

What follows is an incredibly angry, needlessly mean rant. I do not approach this subject in an even-handed way, because for me, and all the other fat people out there, the fatphobia in the following examples is real, and it impacts our lives every day. No matter what your weight, if unchecked rage is a turn off, you probably want to skip the rest of this post.

Roxie is one of these people. She shared the story of her weight loss on Tumblr. She lost a staggering amount of weight, and feels much better physically. Good for her! Anyone who makes steps toward their own happiness deserves to be commended for staying true to themselves and their goals, even when it’s difficult.

It’s just too bad she’s such a fucking horrible person, and decided to turn what should have been a positive story about weight loss and lifestyle changes into a vitriolic rant against all fat people, everywhere.

Roxie shares a harrowing story in her post, in which a doctor advises her that unless she made drastic changes to her lifestyle, she would likely be dead by thirty.

So I learned how to eat. I learned the value of protein, the implications of sugar and the fun of a cheat day. I started watching my portion sizes and keeping my water intake up. I went on short walks – nothing too strenuous. Really, I didn’t put a whole lot of effort in at all. But the weight started falling off.

That’s fantastic, Roxie. I’m sure a lot of women envy you. Women like me, for example, who do have to put in a lot of effort to lose weight. You see, we’ve already learned all about protein and sugar and portion sizes, because like you, we’ve had to. However, some of us have to carefully watch out for sugar and restrict our portion sizes not to lose weight, but to maintain the weight we’re at. Our weight doesn’t start “falling off.” Some of us battle to lose two pounds a month. Some of us never see the number on the scale change, unless we experience “the fun of a cheat day” and watch the number immediately tick up.

Roxie doesn’t see this struggle as anything to brag about:

I dropped 50kg in 6 months without even trying.

I’m not sure why she considers the lifestyle changes she made, “not trying.” Well, I do. We’ll get into that as her open letter to Tumblr goes on. Roxie tells us that she completely changed her normal routine…in what way is that not trying?

I spend a lot of time preparing food and working out, because nothing terrifies me more than going back to that.

But remember… Roxie doesn’t have to try.

Maybe you’re thinking that I’m getting defensive for no reason over someone’s weight loss story. Please, stick with me, and you’ll understand my cause for defensiveness.

I made frequent excuses for myself – including the age old “But I EAT REALLY WELL AND EXERCISE” yeah, if doritos were a vegetable and The Sims were a full body work out, I had those bases covered.

Fair enough, Roxie. Only you know the truth of your personal habits. You weren’t taking care of yourself in the way you wished you were, so you changed. Not without trying, as you claim, but with a total life overhaul.

When you look at women like Tess Munster, and you tell me that she’s the epitome of a happy, healthy, and confident woman, I think you’re an ignorant asshole.

This is where it all starts to go downhill. If you’re unfamiliar with who Tess Munster is, she’s a plus-sized model who looks like this:

This is one of the myriad photos of Ms. Munster in lingerie that can be found on the internet. While Roxie admits in her post that taking a photo of herself fully-clothed post-weight loss was “one of the scariest things I’ve ever done,” she somehow believes that she can judge Tess Munster as not confident? Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing bad about not wanting to be photographed, or being embarrassed by photographs of yourself. A lot of people feel this way, women especially, because we’re told we should remain invisible if we’re not visually pleasing by traditional beauty standards. But it takes a lot of balls for Roxie to suggest that Tess Munster is the one lacking confidence.

Roxie also has no idea if Tess Munster is happy or not, but it’s painfully clear that Roxie is unhappy, even though she’s lost weight:

I can’t believe that people choose to normalise that kind of lifestyle, and accept the fact that she will probably send herself to an early grave, because at least she’s happy. She’s making a movement out of being too lazy and apathetic to make a beneficial change, and it’s sickening.

Roxie. You need to listen to someone who is able to hear what you are saying, because you clearly cannot. You are not a doctor. And if you were, we know you’re not Tess Munster’s doctor, because you’d be making an ethical violation right now. So, you have no idea if Tess Munster is going to die early due to weigh-related complications. I’m also not sure what you mean by normalizing a kind of lifestyle; very few people consider the job of “underwear model” to be a normal, everyday life. In fact, Tess Munster gets so much attention for being a plus-sized lingerie model simply because her life and experience is unique and challenges the status quo. And as far as I’m aware, she isn’t the sole founder of the body positivity movement.

Some girl came up to me once and criticised my weight loss, because I inspired her by being an overweight girl on stage. What the fuck do I even say to that? “Sorry I’m not killing myself slowly to make you feel better about yourself.”

That’s a good point, Roxie. You aren’t beholden to anyone to live your life in a way you deem unfit just to please someone else. It’s good that you understand that.

Oh, shit, you don’t understand that, do you? Because you’re doing the exact same thing by demanding that other people, like Tess Munster, change their lives because you feel they owe it to you to try and chase down your approval.

When you tell me that thin people have privilege, and that people should love you because you’re morbidly obese, it takes everything inside me not to hunt you down and slap you silly.

What a coincidence, Roxie! Because I feel the exact same way when you deny the thin privilege you’re displaying in this post. No one has asked you to love them because of their weight. And to be honest, I’ve never heard a fat person say, “You have to love me because I’m fat.” I hear a lot of, “You have to treat me as though I am a human being worth of living my life without abuse despite the fact that I’m fat.” I’m sure you understand the difference, because judging from the amount of self-hatred that you still harbor toward your fat self, you probably didn’t feel you were deserving of love because of your fat. That wasn’t true. You’re just not deserving of love because you’re a monster.

You’re an idiot. No one is obligated to find your laziness and lack of concern for yourself or your health hot.

It’s interesting how often thin-people believe that all fat people want is for skinny people to find them fuckable. Personally, I’m more interested in receiving competent healthcare and not being mocked publicly when I’m trying to go about my life and not bothering anyone else. Wanting you to fuck me, Roxie, is about the lowest thing on my list of concerns over my body. I don’t want to fuck you, Roxie. Because I have much better taste than this turtle:

Not to mention the fact that nearly every fat woman I know has been the target of sexual harassment from “chubby chasers” at some point or another. When my bikini story went viral last summer, I received a landslide of unsolicited dick pics and messages from men who either wanted to fuck me because I was fat, or believed that I had to fuck them because I was fat, and should have therefore been grateful for their unwanted advances. You’re worried that fat people are going to demand that people find us sexually attractive? People already do, whether we want to be fetishized or not.

No one should ever have to respect someone who can’t respect themselves.

No one has to respect anyone. But you do have to behave as though other people are humans, and deserving of being treated as such. You don’t get to opt out of that, no matter how thin you get. I mean, you obviously have opted out of that, but that’s what makes you terrible, not superior to fat people.

Being thin is not a privilege – for some of us, achieving it is damn hard work.

But it wasn’t damn hard work for you, Roxie. Twice in your post you explained how easy it was for you to lose weight. That’s what you Born Again Thin People always forget: you can’t ask to be slathered in praise for your hard work if you insist it isn’t hard work to begin with. Or perhaps this is a case of, “It wasn’t hard work for me, because I’m a better ex-fatty than you.”

I’m still overweight, and I know better than to demand someone find me attractive, or to get angry at someone for making fun of me with their friends. I also know better than to let it derail me or destroy me – rather, it fuels me.

Great! You enjoy verbal abuse and believe you deserve it! But some of us have self-esteem and self-respect and we don’t like it when assholes like you use the abuse that’s heaped on us every to day as thinspiration for your weight loss goals. That’s your fucked up thinking. Nobody else signed up for your demented, self-hating weight loss plan.

Your fat acceptance is bullshit. You’re telling women to accept a body that is killing them. You’re telling women it’s ok that you’re a massive drain on the medical system, as long as you think you feel good.

Fuck your movement. I’d take actual, legitimate health over having my fat become a societal norm. I’d rather be relentlessly mocked for my weight than praised for it.

No one  in FA/BP/HAES is suggesting that people not take steps toward correcting serious health problems. But being fat isn’t an automatic death sentence. For you, it might have been. But as I’ve tried to stress (and you, Roxie, you will probably never understand this because you clearly believe yourself to be the expert on everyone else’s health), you are not the only person on the planet.

And you know, Roxie, here’s another thing that’s probably going to shock you: I eat candy. I sometimes skip my workout. I don’t “try” as hard as you, and neither do a lot of people. And you know what? We don’t have to try to meet the standards you’ve put in place for yourself. Because you don’t own us, and you aren’t the arbiter of our lives. No matter how much you stamp your impotent little feet and wail like a toddler having a tantrum, no one has to do what you say. That must really make you feel worse about yourself.

Maybe this post comes off as too mean-spirited. I’m sure some people reading this are saying, “But she’s speaking from a place of internalized fatphobia. She hates herself, so she’s projecting it. She deserves pity.” In the past, I might have agreed, and felt really, really bad for my venomous response. But I can’t do it anymore. I just cannot must up an iota of sympathy or pity for you, Roxie, no matter how pathetic you are (and the answer is very, Roxie. Very, very pathetic). Maybe it’s because I was, yet again, featured on r/fathatepeoplehate, where I was called a “Ham Planet” and “revolting.” Or my thinking could be colored by this recently found gem, an eleven page forum thread wherein people loftily pronounce that I do not have a chronic illness, I am jealous of thin people, and that my husband should be pitied because his marriage to me is clearly unbearable. Maybe the fact that I spent last summer receiving hate mail and death threats due to my outspoken stance on body positivity, including an email from a woman who said she printed out a photo of me to make herself vomit when she purges, and suggested I do the same, has made me a teensy bit cranky.

Or maybe it was because your disgusting hate speech was brought to my attention by someone who described themselves as “suicidal” due to the content of your post, Roxie. Suicidal. As in, the words you so violently spewed onto your shitty little tumblr could have actually cost someone their life. You know. The life you’re so fucking worried about saving with your Born Again Thin Person rant?

You don’t care if fat people die young. You don’t care about anything but trying to bolster your non-existent self-esteem by putting as much distance between your fat self and your thin self as you can. And you think that by spewing all this hate out of the gaping sewage hole that exists where your sense of compassion and empathy should be, we’re all going to believe that you’re trying to change lives for the better. You noble saint of a person, you.

It might surprise you to know that I’ve lost weight in my past, too. I guess because I failed at keeping it off, that makes me less of a person than you. But the weird thing is, when I look in the mirror, I’m not afraid of what I see. Because I like myself. And when I see a person who’s fatter than I am, I don’t unleash all my pathetic insecurity on them in a desperate bid for validation that will never, ever come. When I see a thin person, I don’t hate them out of jealousy, because I’m wise enough to realize that their body weight doesn’t subtract from my worth as a person. And when someone wants to lose weight, and they work hard toward their goals, I’ll always cheer them on, because overall, I want people to be happy. So, I like myself, and my body is just the gear my self rides around in. It’s too bad that you got your signals crossed and have to hate yourself until you’ve earned the right to hate yourself just a little bit less.

Here’s my recommendation to you, Roxie. Stop throwing your self-hatred onto other people and try to change what a miserable, shitty person you are. The way you start doing that is by realizing that your experience of life is not the same as everyone else’s. You are not the baseline for humanity. You are vastly overestimating your self-importance if you can’t grasp that (although I find most people who describe themselves as  anti-feminist and anti-social justice have a real problem vis-a-vis reality versus self-perception and self-awareness).  And remember, you’re thin now, but you could gain all that weight back, even if you have the very best of intentions. If that happens, the women you’re slagging off now? We’ll still be fighting for your rights in the face of real prejudice. But we’ll sure resent having to share the benefit of our progress with your dumb ass.

Merlin Club S05E07 “A Lesson In Vengeance” or “Doesn’t ‘lesson’ imply that you’ve learned something?”

Merlin club is a weekly feature in which Jessica Jarman, Bronwyn Green, and myself gather at 8pm EST to watch an episode of the amazing BBC series Merlin, starring Colin Morgan and literally nobody else I care about except Colin Morgan.

Okay, I lie. A lot of other really cool people are in it, too.

Anyway, we watch the show, we tweet to the hashtag #MerlinClub, and on Fridays we share our thoughts about the episode we watched earlier in the week.

So, here’s a quick rundown of episode five: Morgana tries to kill Arthur by blowing up a little bomb in front of his horse and having cronies come out from the woods and attack him. The horse bolts, Arthur’s saddle breaks, and Samwell Tarly the stable boy gets arrested because he has the same kind of thread as was in the sabotaged saddle. Samwell won’t tell anyone who actually did the deed, probably because that person was Gwen. What follows is an episode with so many convoluted plot twists that I don’t even know what’s going on.

If I had written this episode, I would have changed: So much. Sooooo much. The plot is absurd. Gwen is already in Camelot. She could easily have just killed Arthur. But instead, Morgana comes up with the plan to spook his horse, break his saddle, and get attacked. When it doesn’t work? Frame the stable boy, get him condemned to death, then have Gwen kill him, because apparently he won’t be as dead if the executioner does it. Then she tries to poison Arthur, and frames Merlin. And Merlin has been framed for trying to commit crimes so often, I don’t know why someone doesn’t either say, “Look, give him the benefit of the doubt, he’s never done this shit before and why should he start now?” or “This guy is always getting arrested for this stuff, he has to be guilty, let’s execute him just in case.”

But the thing I would change the most, I’m going to list under “The thing I hated most about this episode.”

The thing I loved most about this episode: Merlin in his Emrys guise, telling everyone in Camelot all the pent-up stuff he’s wanted to say for years.

The thing I hated most about this episode: HOW THE HELL DIDN’T ANYONE NOTICE THAT GWEN IS EVIL?! Seriously, guys? IT’S GWEN! Remember, Gwen? The woman who took loving care of the man who killed her father and once condemned her to death as well? She’s suddenly going to be all pro-death penalty? ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT HAPPENED TO HER FATHER? This should not have been so difficult to work out. ARTHUR SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST TO NOTICE.

Something I never noticed before: Gaius examines Gwain’s arm for a really, uncomfortably long time:

Proof of some random headcanon I created: Gwen is just as shitty and ineffective at carrying off an evil plan as Morgana is, so, you know. Mandrake theory from before.

Favorite Costume: Gwen and Arthur’s date night ensembles:

What object would Bronwyn steal from this episode? Gwain’s arm:

What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? What DIDN’T she have naughty thoughts about this week? The #MerlinClub tag was all about the sexy.

How on Earth did you get in here? Do you think it’s the first time he’s had to get in the king’s chambers all secret like? #MerlinClub

— Jessica Jarman (@jessjarman) March 3, 2015

 

Check out Jessica Jarman’s take on the episode here

Check out Bronwyn Green’s take on the episode here

 

DON’T DO THIS EVER: “ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME THAT WASN’T EVEN THE GODDAMNED BOOK PEOPLE WERE TELLING ME ABOUT?” edition

UPDATE #2: Stephanie Dray has issued a statement apologizing for her remarks.

There are some who aren’t comfortable with that apology, and that’s fine, I’m not throwing my hat into the ring or making a judgement on anyone either way. I’m just reporting what’s happened and everybody can go there own way from there.

UPDATE: I’ve been contacted by a few authors who know Laura Kaye and Stephanie Dray. They’ve cleared up some points about the situation.

The book America’s First Daughter is not the 50 Shades of Grey/Thomas Jefferson story. That is a separate project that Stephanie was talking about
Laura Kaye has denied any involvement with the 50 Shades of Grey/Thomas Jefferson story.

Thank you to the authors who could shed light on the confusion regarding America’s First Daughter.

A source close to Stephanie Dray has said that a statement from the author is forthcoming.

TRIGGER WARNING: WHITE PEOPLE JOKING ABOUT SLAVE RAPE

 

Here is author Stephanie Dray talking about America’s First Daughter, a book she is co-authoring with Laura Kaye, contracted for a 2016 release from William Morrow.

You know what to do.

 

Don’t Do This Ever: “WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK?!” edition

Remember how I was supposed to be taking the week off blogging? Sometimes, shit comes up that can’t wait. Like this shit. This steaming pile of shit.

Before we proceed, here’s what I’m going to ask you to do:

Do not buy this book
Don’t buy it for curiosity
Don’t buy it to see how bad it is
Don’t buy it because it’s just $0.99 and you “had to know”
Don’t leave a comment about how you bought it
Don’t leave a comment about how you read it
Don’t leave a comment about censorship
Don’t leave a comment about “slippery slopes”
Don’t leave a comment about the first amendment
Don’t lecture anyone in the comments about book burning, censorship, art, etc.
Don’t defend Thomas Jefferson
Don’t use Thomas Jefferson’s words to defend this fucking atrocity
PLEASE DO link in the comments any blog posts or articles written by women of color with regards to this book
PLEASE DO let me know if I wrote anything fucked up with regards to racism and slavery

If you do any of these things, I will have a fucking stroke, so help me god.

From this point on, TRIGGER WARNING FOR HORRIFIC AND OPPORTUNISTIC RACISM AND MANY, MANY REFERENCES TO RAPE. REALLY EVALUATE THE DAY YOU’RE HAVING AND THE DAY YOU WISH TO HAVE BEFORE YOU CONTINUE TO READ.

There is Thomas Jefferson/Sally Hemings paranormal BDSM erotica. This is a thing that exists. The title? Thomas Jefferson’s Mistress:: Werewolf Fetish Vampire MILF Sex Slave. Since this blog gets a pretty wide readership, I’m concerned that some of my international readers might be unfamiliar with the story of Sally Hemings…actually, I’m concerned that some of my American readers are also unfamiliar with the story of Sally Hemings, because we don’t generally talk about her unless white people are doing genealogy projects that reveal that they’re related to her. So here we go:

Sally Hemings was enslaved by Thomas Jefferson, who started raping her while she was somewhere around fifteen years old. This is the Thomas Jefferson who wrote the Declaration of Independence and drafted a law proposing to end the import and sale of human beings into slavery, but he kept his own damn slaves and was totally cool with raping them.

Here he is on our money. Note the word “liberty.” He also helped “liberate” a lot of Native Americans from their goddamned homes and land.

Some scholars say that Jefferson was so attracted to Hemings because she resembled his late wife. Which made sense because she was his late wife’s half-sister. Hemings gave birth to six children as a result of his repeated rapes, all of whom remained slaves in the Jefferson household. So, the Founding Father and defender of liberty, Thomas Jefferson, not only raped one (who knows, probably more) of the many slaves he owned, but he enslaved his own children. Of the six, four survived and were freed when they reached adulthood, but not Sally! Nope, she was Jefferson’s slave until he died, whereupon she was freed and lived the rest of her life–nine years–with her sons.

Over the years, historians have done a lot of justifying on Jefferson’s behalf with statements that begin, “He was a man of his times,” or “If we judge him in historical context,” and end with an utter failure to acknowledge that no matter what time it was, owning another human being is monstrous. Or they take an even more disgusting tactic, suggesting that Hemings consented to and was happy in the relationship, still ignoring the fact that a slave has absolutely no power to consent to a sexual relationship with the person who is actively owning them as though they were not a human being but a piece of property.

Those two statements I’ve italicized there? Those are two things which white people as a general group just do not understand. We have numbed ourselves to it. Oh, we’ll go see movies about slavery and civil rights and cluck our tongues and think, “What terrible people those white people were,” and congratulate ourselves for not being those white people, but then we turn around and defend white men in our history who have done some really horrible shit.

Or, somebody gets the bright fucking idea to write a $0.99 e-book wherein Jefferson and Hemings engage in fetishized slavery. And they write it under the pen name Fionna Free Men.

Look, I know that censorship is bad. I know this, because there’s a whole amendment about freedom of expression in the Constitution. It was written by James Madison, who based it off a bill that Thomas Jefferson introduced in the Virginia legislature in 1779. So, the existence of this “erotic” short story fetishizing slavery and rape, about a real slave owner and the real woman he raped from the time she was a little girl is protected by a law that was originally the work of that slave owner who raped that little girl. Not only does this book exploit the rape and enslavement of Sally Hemings, it uses the historical political power of her rapist against her over a century later. Even in death, she’s being violated, but our laws say that we can’t violate the author’s rights to write and publish this shit.

But you know what isn’t a violation of the author’s first amendment rights? Whether or not a retailer chooses to carry this piece of trash book. So I’m urging you to take time out of your day to contact customer service at these retailers and tell them what you think about their company profiting off of a book that glorifies the rape of women of color by slave owning white men, and by extension promotes sexual violence against women of color today.

Amazon.com

U.S. and Canada: 1-866-216-1072
Spanish Support: 866-749-7538
International: 1-206-266-2992

To contact via email, you’ll have to jump through their myriad hoops. The first one is here.

Barnes & Noble

U.S.: 1 (800) 843-2665

“Contact Us” start page (this may require a sign-up)

Kobo

U.S. 1 (855) 732-3662

Kobo “Customer Care” page with international phone numbers and email addresses

I didn’t find evidence of this book’s presence on Smashwords.com, allromanceebooks.com, or the iBooks store, but who knows if it will pop up; “Free Men” is a prolific author who also sometimes goes by “Fionna Freemen,” Fionna Freeman,” or “Fionna Free Man X”.

PLEASE, PLEASE, I URGE YOU NOT TO BUY THIS BOOK. NOT TO SEE “HOW BAD” IT IS. IT IS BAD ENOUGH WITHOUT KNOWING THE CONTENT. ITS EXISTENCE IS BAD. IF YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST READ IT, AND I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD WANT TO, FIND A PIRATED COPY OR LEARN TO LIVE WITH DISAPPOINTMENT.

State of The Trout: “Poo Brain” edition

So, do any of you guys watch Adventure Time? It’s an awesome show. In an early episode, the heroes, Finn and Jake, find their sleep disturbed when a horse won’t stop staring through their window at night. It can’t moved, reasoned with, or dissuaded. It just stands there, staring. Jake diagnoses the animal as having “poo brain.”

 

I have come to adopt this phrase in place of “Fibro fog,” the common description of the mental sluggishness that is symptomatic of a Fibromyalgia flare-up. It’s a way better term for how I feel. I don’t feel “foggy,” I straight up feel like someone took a shit in my brain, and it’s good for nothing.

Luckily, my case of poo brain didn’t last longer than a week, but that week ate up a considerable chunk of writing time. I mostly tweeted and tumblred, because that was how long my attention span lasted. I couldn’t focus on anything.

So, now I am behind. Way behind. I had a manuscript I wanted to turn in to my publisher today; I still have a scene and a chapter to go. But because I’m off schedule with that, it means I’ve having to start work on my next project at the same time. Which means extra work, which means less time here for wacky blog shenanigans.

So, this is a State of The Trout update to let you know that I am not dead, I am still alive, I’m just overwhelmed with work I fell behind on when I got poo brain. After this week, I’ll hopefully be back to a normal schedule and I can get an Apolonia recap done and work on some Buffy.

I also want to publicly apologize to Nicholas at the Portage Crossings GameStop. I told him I would take his survey within the next three days, but I forgot. Sorry, Nicholas.

Merlin Club S05E06: “The Dark Tower” or “This explains so much…”

Merlin club is a weekly feature in which Jessica Jarman, Bronwyn Green, and myself gather at 8pm EST to watch an episode of the amazing BBC series Merlin, starring Colin Morgan and literally nobody else I care about except Colin Morgan.

Okay, I lie. A lot of other really cool people are in it, too.

Anyway, we watch the show, we tweet to the hashtag #MerlinClub, and on Fridays we share our thoughts about the episode we watched earlier in the week.

So, here’s a quick rundown of episode five: On her way back from visiting her father’s grave, Gwen and the knights are attacked by the most unconvincing CGI snakes in the history of television, and Gwen gets kidnapped by Morgana. Morgana uses a ritual or spell or whatever with mandrake roots and psychological torture (you know, like how Morgana and Morgause were driving Uther crazy with mandrake roots in season two or three or whatever?) to turn her evil. In what is basically her best plan ever, Morgana’s snakes poison the knights with visions that will lead them to Gwen, but Morgana being Morgana, she uses this trap in the stupidest possible way, luring them all there just to send Gwen back into Camelot, rather than luring them all there, killing them, and sending Gwen back to be queen at Camelot under Morgana’s control.

If I had written this episode, I would have changed: Only one thing, because I really like this episode (mostly for the fan theories I’ve built in my head for it). I would have added a line where it’s made clear that Morgana had been put through the same ritual. Because that’s what I believe happened.

The thing I loved most about this episode: It finally gives fans a satisfying reason for Morgana being evil, but not effectively evil. Whether the writers intended that to happen or not. See: Headcanon section.

The thing I hated most about this episode: I know that it’s the storyline and it’s on purpose and this is literally just me quibbling with a character I like getting fucked with, but goddamn. I wish Gwen didn’t turn evil.

Something I never noticed before: In the past, I never noticed the glaring disparity between the way Elian reacts to his sister being missing and his sister being exiled. Here he’s all, “without her, I’d be nothing,” but when she was exiled he was like, “Okay, bye.”

Also, Arthur is talking about the Dark Tower, and he’s like, “It’s a place every knight is taught to dread,” and I’m like, “But then why do these knights not know about it?”

Proof of some random headcanon I created: Let’s look at the facts here: Morgana used the mandrake spell thing on Uther, with Morgause’s help. So, Morgause knows how to do it. And Morgause takes Morgana with her for a while, then she returns super evil, but not very good at being super evil. Kind of like how Gwen becomes after this episode. Morgause was better at evil than Morgana and Gwen are, it’s the same spell…I think Morgause used this ritual on Morgana, and that’s why she had such a sudden and irrational change of character, not because she found out Uther was her father. Well, not just because she found out Uther was her father. That probably gave direction and shape to the evil Morgause planted there. Combine that with similar visits to their fathers’ graves and the fact that they each lose a sibling after going through the ritual (one could argue that their siblings sacrificed themselves after the ritual)…

JUST. SAYING.

Favorite Costume: I loved Gwen’s dress, but I couldn’t tell if it was gold and white or blue and black…

What object would Bronwyn steal from this episode? You know, nothing in here really struck my fancy. Sorry, guys.

What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? This isn’t a particularly Merthur heavy episode. Probably the part where Merlin was able to talk some sense into Arthur about how they all had to stick together. But there were barely any Merlin/Arthur scenes at all.

Check out Jessica Jarman’s take on the episode here

Check out Bronwyn Green’s take on the episode here

 

Paying my respects to Bertrice Small

When I was twelve years old, I found a book at a garage sale that would forever change my life. The book was called All The Sweet Tomorrows, and it told the tale of Skye O’Malley, a beautiful raven-haired widow on a mission to find her not-so-dead-after-all husband in Algiers. This book introduced me to dildos, dubcon, anal sex, foot torture, and pony play. No, I’m not kidding, this book, which was originally published in 1986, had all of that.

That book set in stone my destiny as a romance reader and writer. It also really helped hone my reading skills; as a child with learning disabilities, I was supposed to practice my reading. Nothing makes you want to practice reading more than learning about the seedy sorts of things adults are getting up to with their private parts.

Since that book, I’ve read many, but not all, of Ms. Small’s novels. I say not all because she wrote over fifty in her career, each one a grand, sweeping saga that helped define old school romance, as well as evolve the historical genre. When I had the pleasure of meeting her at the Romantic Times convention in 2008, I asked her to sign my favorite.

 

When I handed it to her, she smiled fondly at the cover and said, “Oh! I love this book.” There is nothing quite as fantastic as hearing the creator of something you love express how much they also love it. It’s a feeling I will never forget.

I also told her my story about finding All The Sweet Tomorrows and how her work had shaped my career. “And now,” I told her proudly, “I’m a USA Today bestselling romance author, and I never would have been if I hadn’t read your book.” I had tears in my eyes. So did she.

That was the one and only time I ever met Ms. Small, who wrote “God bless!” in her kink-tastic novels and dotted the “i” in her name with a heart. She passed away on Tuesday at age seventy-seven, leaving behind a legacy that will live on for as long as the romance genre endures. I won’t say that we lost one of the greats, because that phrase doesn’t cover it. I will say instead that we were lucky enough that she shared her ingenuity, her boundless talent, and her fantastically wicked imagination with us all.

Rest in peace, Ms. Small.

CandyJar.com review and unboxing photos

So, a few weeks ago someone on Facebook signed my death warrant by posting a link to CandyJar.com, a website that sells bulk candy by the jar. You pick a small, medium, or large “jar” and fill it by selecting “scoops” of the candy you want.

Since candy is my writing fuel and I’m also a shut-in, I decided to give it a shot. No one at CandyJar.com asked me to do this, and I’m not receiving anything in trade for this review, but just heads up, CandyJar.com, I’m really the perfect spokesperson. Email me.

The “jars” come in three sizes, and none of them have cutesy names, which I appreciate. They’re just small (32 oz), medium (64 oz), and large (128 oz). Standard, normal, no “Vente” or “Gotta Have It!” or anything like that.

I ordered the large jar. And yes, I was aware at the time that the large is basically one gallon of candy. It says so in the little window where you select your jar size, almost as if in a warning. I did it anyway. It’s not like it showed up and I was surprised by the amount of candy I had ordered. I did this to myself.

The shipping was fairly quick. I think from order to delivery it was something like a week. But I’ll be honest, for me, that was too long. Once I start thinking about candy, I want the candy like, now. So, the shipping is speedy, but if you’re like me, even an Amazon drone wouldn’t be able to deliver sweet, sweet lady sugar faster enough.

When it did arrive, it came like this:

I didn’t pay a lot of attention to the details when I ordered, probably because I was so focused on the whole “I’m buying an actual gallon of candy” thing. I didn’t know if I was just going to get a box of candy at the approximate weight, or if there would be an physical jar. The answer was both:

 

 

Some of the candy came on top, and the rest came like this:

It’s all wrapped up in neat little bundles inside the jar, which is made out of slightly flexible plastic, like a peanut butter jar, and has a metal screw-top lid. You have the option of keeping it all separate, if you’re too good for candy that’s all mixed together, you snob.

Having ordered candy through the mail before, I know that things can go wrong (for example, I can tell the difference between a broken Zotz and a whole Zotz by feel alone these days). I am happy to report that only one type of candy didn’t quite make the journey in pristine condition:

I don’t know how candy corn manages to shatter, but it totally did. The outside was dry and crumbled into pieces, the inside was oddly moist and stuck together. It was really strange, considering the rock candy, the one I was most concerned about, came so perfect that not even a single crystal had broken off:

One of the things that confused me about the site was that on some items, I couldn’t tell what, exactly, constituted a “scoop.” For example, I ordered three “scoops” of rock candy, which ended up being equal to three of these bundles (that either had four or five sticks in it, I should have counted). But I ordered five scoops of Chupa Chups and got nine of these:

which each had four pieces inside. I mean, I’m not complaining, because I love these (they were absolutely huge in the ’90′s, if you don’t remember. Celebrities were being photographed with them. They were the PinkBerry or Ugg Boots of 1996). But it’s just nice info to have for next time.

I wanted to see if I could indeed fit all of this candy:

three different assortments of salt water taffy
gummy cola bottles
gummy cherries
sour cherry rings
gummy raspberries and blackberries
sour peach slices
Chupa Chups
rock candy sticks
candy corn
Pixy Stix
Smarties

into the jar. I’m sure that if I’d bought all gummies or all taffy they would have fit with no problem, but the Pixy Stix threw off the whole groove. Even the Chupa Chups didn’t have a problem playing nice with the other candy, but the Pixy Stix and Smarties just couldn’t fit in with the rest.

I wondered if the price would be worth it ($49.99 USD for the large… I’m not sure what sounds worse, “I bought a gallon of candy,” or “I bought fifty dollars worth of candy.”), and to be honest, I haven’t really researched the prices of these individual items. They definitely don’t have as wide a selection as some bulk candy websites, but you have more control over the amount you can order, so you can get more variety. Most bulk sites are fine if you want to buy 5 lbs. of, say, Zotz, but this gives you a chance to make a customized mix without having to shell out for huge amounts. They do carry chocolate candies, but I didn’t buy those, because I like candy, not chocolate. Get out of here with that chocolate business (although I will eat it occasionally).

All in all, I’m happy with my experience with CandyJar.com. Two thumbs up, will be ordering again. Probably next month. Because I have a real impulse control problem.