Abigail Barnette's Blog, page 88

50 Shades and Anti-Feminist Critique

To say I am not a fan of 50 Shades of Grey is to say that the universe is kinda big, or that fire is slightly warm. Having spent two solid years of my life breaking down E.L. James’s blockbuster hit series, I consider myself something of a professional critic of the books and the phenomenon surrounding them. From its glaring similarities to Twilight (50 Shades of Grey is an unauthorized reimagining of Stephenie Meyer’s bestselling series), the depictions of unsafe and unrealistic BDSM practices, and the often-cringeworthy prose, there’s a lot to critique. But since the success of 50 Shades of Grey is driven almost entirely by female interest, is it anti-feminist to criticize it?

50 Shades of Grey isn’t just a literary copycat of Twilight, but a cultural copycat, as well. In its heyday, Twilight was lampooned not for its problematic content, but because of the audience it appealed to: teen girls and notably, the mothers of those girls, who were painted as humorously over-sexed cougars lusting after Robert Pattinson’s sparkly young flesh. And, like Twilight, 50 Shades of Grey should not go unexamined simply because it was created and consumed by women.

If you’re unfamiliar with the story, the titular Christian Grey is a young man whose every whim has been indulged by parents who rescued him from a toddlerhood of physical and sexual abuse. As a teenager, his violent behavior was curbed through regular molestation by one of his mother’s friends, who groomed him into a tightly-controlled sadist. He acts out his elaborate psychosexual issues on women who resemble his dead “crack whore” mother–women like the awkward, naive Anastasia Rose Steele. From the day Christian and Ana meet, he seeks total control over her, from asking her to sign a highly detailed sex contract (the terms of which are discussed as he plies Ana with alcohol), to deciding which gynecologist she will see (under his supervision, in his home) and what birth control method she will use. He isolates her from her friends and family, going so far as to follow her across the country uninvited when she visits her mother. He warns Ana that he’ll be able to find her no matter where she tries to run, and once they’re married he has her followed by a security team that reports her every move back to him. Since the story is told in first person point of view, the reader is privy to every moment that Ana fears Christian or his reactions–including during the poorly-executed  and unsafe BDSM scenes that leave Ana weeping and confused. Throughout it all, Christian gaslights Ana into believing that his bad behavior is her responsibility, until she comes to the conclusion that her unhappiness is due to her failure to love him enough.

For some women, the themes of control and rape are not a fantasy. These women see their own abusive relationships echoed in the supposed love story of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele, but efforts to have their voices heard have been roundly squashed by those who seem to believe that if women enjoy something, its feminism is above reproach. E.L. James herself has said she doesn’t like to hear about the comparisons between the abusive relationship she accidentally depicted in her novel and the abuse real life women have suffered, saying in a 2012 interview, “Nothing freaks me out more than people who say this is about domestic abuse. Bringing up my book in this context trivializes the issues, doing women who actually go through it a huge disservice. It also demonizes loads of women who enjoy this lifestyle, and ignores the many, many women who tell me they’ve found the books sexually empowering.”

There’s no doubt in my mind that much of our cultural finger-wagging over the book, and now the movie,  is based on our persistent belief that women, especially women “of a certain age,” should not have, or are silly for having, sexual desires. Much like the historical romances that were labelled “bodice rippers” in the last decades of the twentieth century, 50 Shades of Grey and similarly-themed erotic romances have been christened “mummy porn.” The derogatory term takes a stab at the perceived audience of 50 Shades of Grey: bored middle-class housewives reading porn on their iPads during the kids’ soccer practice. The name, and the stereotype, are meant to belittle women who have experienced a sexual reawakening after marriage and motherhood; women who, we are told, should stop having any desire but the aching need to please a husband and 2.5 children once those kiddies are squeezed out. Dismissing 50 Shades of Grey as “bad” or “trash” simply because it appeals to a largely female audience is undeniably sexist, but there is valid criticism to be levied against the franchise by survivors and experts who are trying to contextualize the realities of intimate partner abuse within this cultural phenomenon. Whose voices are we expected to value more in this situation? The women defending their right to read what they please without derision, or the women who don’t want to see abuse romanticized?

If we want to talk about 50 Shades of Grey and our love affair with fantasies of control, we can do so without mocking female sexuality. Yes, 50 Shades of Grey has empowered women, but even those things that empower us are not exempt from criticism. Women are not being harmed when the dangerous messages and themes of the books are called out, but some will be harmed if these elements aren’t explored. So when you head out to the theatre next week, don’t snicker at the women who are there to see their sexual fantasies come to life on the screen. Trust me, there’ll be plenty of actual anti-feminist material to roast.

Merlin Club S05E03: “The Death Song Of Uther Pendragon” or “Came Back Wrong”

Merlin club is a weekly feature in which Jessica Jarman, Bronwyn Green, and myself gather at 8pm EST to watch an episode of the amazing BBC series Merlin, starring Colin Morgan and literally nobody else I care about except Colin Morgan.

Okay, I lie. A lot of other really cool people are in it, too.

Anyway, we watch the show, we tweet to the hashtag #MerlinClub, and on Fridays we share our thoughts about the episode we watched earlier in the week.

So, here’s a quick rundown of episode three: Arthur saves a peasant from being burned at the stake, and she gives him a magic horn that brings Uther’s spirit back from beyond the grave. Which is, IMO, the shittiest way you could possibly thank someone for helping you not get burned at the stake.

If I had written this episode, I would have changed: The brutal destruction of Uther’s character arc. Uther was not a great guy, at all. He was the villain for three full seasons. But he ended his life sacrificing himself for his son. Why would he come back and try to kill the son he died for? We needed some line or explanation as to why this would be happening. The “Came Back Wrong” trope would have been super effective if they’d employed it here, but they didn’t. They were just like, “Remember this guy? Yeah, he was a dick. And now he’s an even bigger dick!”

The thing I loved most about this episode: The ghost!Uther effect blows my mind, because I can’t tell how they did it. I mean, I can think of all sorts of ways of how they could have done it, I just can’t figure out which way they used. Was it post-production? Was it a practical affect? It looks really eerie and slick, and they could have pulled it off a few different ways. I watch a lot, A LOT, of movies and television and I’m still on the fence as to how they achieved it.

I’m also really happy with the scene where Merlin tells Uther that he’s been using magic in Camelot the whole time. I bet that was super cathartic for Merlin.

The thing I hated most about this episode: The whole “Uther actually regressed, personality-wise, in death” thing.

Something I never noticed before: That the minute Uther comes back, so does the rampant fruit wasting. Oh, also that Arthur’s parents both died on his birthday. Well, technically Uther died a day after his birthday, but he was fatally wounded on his birthday. That’s pretty shitty.

Favorite Costume: 

I’m really excited to learn that you get new clothes when you die:

What object would Bronwyn steal from this episode? I struggled with this one this week, because I didn’t really see anything that caught my eye. And I feel like she has a problem with horns… I might be mistaken, but I thought like, antlers were okay, but horns and hooves freak her out. Is this the case, Bronwyn? Have I failed you?

What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? When Merlin’s first defense against suspicion is to say that he and Arthur were reading poetry to each other.

Check out Jessica Jarman’s take on the episode here

Check out Bronwyn Green’s take on the episode here

 

Jealous Hater’s Book Club: Apolonia, Chapter Eight

Dear Diary,

It has been some months now since I began this journey, slogging through the quicksand of Apolonia. I was assured there would be science fiction in this novel, but I fear those rumors were untrue. I am now stranded in the barren wasteland of chapter eight, with nary an alien in sight. It is too late for me, Dear Diary, but I hope one day that this journal may be found, and my struggle will not have been in vain.

Warn them, Dear Diary. Warn them, and remember me…

Chapter eight opens in class:

Benji was sitting next to me in Dr. Z’s class, but all I could do was focus on  Cy–every time he raised his hand or spoke, his green plaid flannel shirt, his staple khaki cargo pants, and how fast he wrote down whatever he thought was important.

Let’s talk about the Benji/Cyrus back-and-forth. I’m reading Twilight right now, as I mentioned in some other post. I blame that series for the landslide of love triangles in fiction aimed at young adults, even though Bella never, to my interpretation, seemed romantically interested in Jacob at all. She did a shitty thing in Twilight by flirting with him just for information about the Cullens, but I don’t remember there being any kind of strong dynamic in which she was actually torn between the two guys. I’m convinced fans of the series put that there, until it became this “Team Edward”/”Team Jacob” thing that was sort of official without actually being canon. I’m still shocked that there are people who thought it might turn out with Edward and Bella not together. So, here we are in this book, with an undoubtedly Twilight-mandated love triangle that has exactly the same amount of romantic non-tension that Twilight had. Though we’re told again and again that Rory has feelings for Benji, they never feel authentic because in the next chapter or scene she’s annoyed with him or just plain ignoring him. With Cy we’re beaten over the head with this supposed attraction she has for him, but their interactions are almost entirely hostile while she obsesses over him from afar (another Twilight influence that popped up in a lot of books and persists in fiction written for young adults since).

This dynamic could work, but for it to work we need to see some forward momentum. Every time Bella and Edward interact, their rapport  changes, on a path from awkward and angry to friendly and then eventually to romantic. Her relationship with Jacob begins as friendship, then turns awkward and angry when he tries to force it to be romantic. All we have here is a character who starts off awkward and angry and resists all attempts the plot makes to develop her or her relationship with either guy. And that really sinks the book because so far, the love triangle is the plot.

It’s a rare day that I use Twilight as a benchmark for excellence in fiction (despite the fact that I like it).

Benji reached for my hand, turned it over, and wrote LUNCH? in black Sharpie on my palm.

Rude!

Oh, and reminder, I use the underlines to indicate italics in the text. There are no underlines in the formatting of the book.

Benji is super agitated about the intense hugging the night before, because he’s starting to make some mental conclusions that worry him:

“[...]It’s that…well, I’ve known you for almost two years, and I didn’t know you had taken a self-defense class. does that have to do with whatever happened to–”

“Benji?”

“Yeah?”

“Seriously. Don’t.”

Why haven’t any of the other students leaned over and shushed them by now? They’re always having these long ass conversations in class. I see this a lot in high school and college-set books. It’s always in science class–Buffy is another example of this–which makes a lot of sense because it’s a class with independent, cooperative study. But it doesn’t really work when the science class is a lecture and the room would therefore be quiet.

Benji asks Rory if she’s going home for break, which she’s obviously not, because she doesn’t have a home:

 When Dr. Z dismissed the class, I realized I hadn’t taken a single note. The first half, I’d spent staring at the back of Cy’s infuriatingly beautiful head, and the second, I’d tried not to think about the memory Benji unknowingly pulled to the surface.

She watches as Cy packs up his stuff and leaves, and Rory thinks:

Part of me wanted to stop him and ask about the frightened look in Kevin’s eyes the night before. I hadn’t seen that kind of raw fear since the night my parents and Sydney–the night I refused to think about. I wanted to know what Cy had said to Kevin that was so frightening.

Okay, here’s an interesting contradiction. Rory is so sensitive to any sign of danger that she’s accidentally hurting people, but when she sees Cy scare Kevin as much as the murderers scared her family the night they died, she’s even more infatuated with him. We need a space for this sort of thing on the New Adult bingo board.

Benji mentions how weird it is that he never see Cy outside of class:

“He disappears after he leaves here. One day, I followed him, but he turned a corner and… poof.”

A corner of my mouth turned up. “I’m a little jealous that I’m not the only one you stalk.”

LOL STALKING IS SO HILARIOUS.

Rory tells Benji that she’s seen Cy outside of class before:

“Like a… like a date?”

“No, like he’s Dr. Z’s research assistant.”

“I thought you were?”

“We both are.”

“Oh. I thought he was temporary. You’re still working together every night?”

Wait, it’s only Thanksgiving break. How temporary did Benji think this was? It’s only been a semester.

Benji asks if the reason Rory’s not going home for Thanksgiving is that she wants to spend time with Cy. Well, no, he asks:

“Even over break? Is that why you’re not going home?”

Which could be interpreted as, “Are you not going home because you’re working,” but we all know what the fuck Benji means. Rory tells him that she doesn’t have a home to go to, and she doesn’t want to talk about it. They go to Gigi’s, where all the waitresses think Rory and Benji are dating, despite Rory’s many protests to the contrary. Rory senses that he’s got something on his mind, so she kicks him under the table. Like you do when you’re a fucking adult. Benji says he wants to tell her something, but in a way she hasn’t heard before, and Rory asks if it’s because of Cy.

“Because of a lot of things, Rory. I…wanted to wait. I wanted to have this conversation on your terms, especially after what happened with Ellie, I didn’t want to risk running you off again. But if I wait, with you and Cyrus spending so much time together–”

“Benji, don’t.”

“Don’t tell me don’t. You’ve stopped me from telling you how I feel about you once a week since we’ve met. I know there are things I don’t know about your past. Maybe I don’t need to know them. Maybe one day you’ll tell me, and I’ll wish I didn’t know. Either way, my feelings for you won’t change. I don’t need to know your past to know that I have feelings for the person you are now.”

This scene, it is a mess.

First of all, if Benji wasn’t textbook creepy Nice Guy already… he’s been trying to confess his feelings to her once a week since they met? What the hell? Remember, they met before the beginning of this book, and they weren’t terribly close when it started. Also, she’s trying to keep him from making this declaration, but he’s going to, whether or not she wants to hear it? It’s called boundaries, Benji. She doesn’t have to humor you if you’re making her uncomfortable.

At the same time, Rory is aware of Benji’s feelings and won’t set clear boundaries, swinging from “I don’t like you like that,” to “hold me, I’m so vulnerable and also jealous that you know other girls.” That’s not really fair of Rory. It doesn’t make her responsible for Benji’s lack of respect for her boundaries, but she’s been moving the goal posts a lot. She got so out of control jealous over Ellie that she wouldn’t talk to him for weeks, but she doesn’t want him to have romantic interest in her. In other words, she wants Benji’s friendship and free meals, but she doesn’t want to share anything personal with him and god forbid he ever look at another girl.

These two either deserve each other or need to run in opposite directions. They’re probably the most selfish main characters I’ve ever read in a romance storyline.

Rory orders a quesadilla, then Benji orders the same thing and she’s like, oh, he’s sucking up until the waitress points out that it’s what he usually orders.

How did I not notice that after coming here so often with him?

 

After Rory thinks about how selfish she is, Benji goes right back to being horrible:

“How do you feel about me? Think I’ll ever make it back out of the friend zone alive?”

Gosh, you didn’t want to be in the “friend zone” Benji? Because when the book started you were like, “I just want to be your friend.” I hope you get hit by a snow plow.

I stared at the pedestrians and traffic passing by. Benji was obnoxiously happy and irritating, and in the beginning, I didn’t think he was my type at all, but I suddenly feard that if I didn’t say something in the realm of him having a chance, I might lose him.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to point this out, but she’s feeling this way because he’s manipulating her.

His friendship was comforting even if I wanted to kick his ass half the time, and as long as I was being truthful, I wasn’t one hundred percent sure he was just a friend.

Regardless of his feelings or mine, I was very possibly on my way toward committing a federal crime.

Oh, right. There’s that space rock thing hanging around in the background of this “science fiction” novel.

But that’s not the only impediment to a relationship:

Benji obviously came from very respectable stock, and I was every mother’s nightmare.

You’re certainly mine, Rory.

And then there was the small matter of a traumatic life event and my immortality. That was a lot for something new and iffy to push through.

Excuse me? EXCUSE ME? Since when is Rory FUCKING IMMORTAL? WHY WAS THIS NOT EXPLICITLY MENTIONED EARLIER IN THE STORY? WHY HAVE WE NOT HAD ANY OTHER INFORMATION ABOUT THIS UNTIL RIGHT NOW? WHY HAS SHE NOT EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT?

I can’t even with this. This is either another case of the author not realizing that there are certain words/phrases you have to be careful with  in paranormal type books and it’s just an accident, but why would Rory phrase it that way? Or she literally meant that she’d been killed and survived in the first lines of the book. This is so confusing, it makes my head hurt.

I’ll assume since being immortal would actually be interesting and we’re only just now hearing about it, she actually is immortal and it’s part of the better plot that’s happening when we’re not privy to events.

Writing Tip: IF YOUR MAIN CHARACTER WHOSE POV WE ARE CURRENTLY IN IS FUCKING IMMORTAL YOU NEED TO BRING THAT UP BEFORE CHAPTER EIGHT OF YOUR NOVEL.

“What if I said not right now and maybe not ever?” As soon as I said the words, I felt my heart knocking against my chest in a panic. He’s going to walk away. He’s going to leave me, and I need him.

Maybe he would walk away, Rory. Maybe he would walk away to protect himself emotionally. And maybe that would be okay, because it would be a healthy boundary for both of you.

Which is exactly why it won’t happen.

“Would you stop being my friend?”

“Never,” he said without hesitation. “Is that your answer?”

“Maybe. Can I think about it?”

“Absolutely. I’m not ready to give up on you yet anyway.”

Translation: Don’t worry, Rory. I’ll wear you down.

Rory suggests that they go to a party together that night, and he’s like, uh, what’s up with wanting to go to parties all of a sudden, and I realize that Rory must have Tess-from-After disease: she compulsively goes to parties she doesn’t want to go to.

He had a point. I didn’t know what was up with my sudden urge to socialize, either, but what I did know was that I was getting very sick of the endless cycle of class, dorm, and lab, and The Gym wasn’t cutting it.

I can venture a guess as to why she wants to go to the party. Because whoever edited this for content probably said, “We’ve been spending a lot of time at class, dorm, lab, etc. and it’s slowing the story down.” And this was the answer. “I don’t want to go to parties… but I am compelled to.”

After the break, Rory is just finishing up in the lab. She invites Cy to come to the party with her:

Cy’s face blanched. “But we have so much work to do. You can’t. We don’t have time for parties.”

“We always have time for parties.”

“But you don’t go to parties.”

Listen, Cy, I don’t know what book you’re in, but you’re asking a lot if you’re looking for consistency in characterization.

Rory, who is afraid she’s going to be fired from Dr. Z’s lab and that’s why she needs to work so hard and also who knows that the CIA is breathing down their necks and therefore time is of the essence now abandons the increasingly flimsy sci-fi plot to go to a party with one half of her love triangle. The party is at Theta Tau, where all the people who don’t have anywhere to go on break are drowning their sorrows. Benji says:

“Well, I’m hoping to get drunk so you’ll try to take advantage of me later.”

“Not going to happen.”

“A man can dream, can’t he?” he said, smiling and walking backward a few steps before turning for the kitchen.

She was just threatened with sexual assault by a known rapist at a party. You know this, because you defended her. You also know that she is extremely traumatized by something in her past. So why would you make that joke?

I laughed once. Benji and I had known each other for a little over two years, and I had known almost the whole time that he had a thing for me, but this— whatever it was— still felt new and maybe a little exciting.

Pictured: Rory’s feelings toward Benji.

And then, there was Cy. It was definitely possible to have feelings for two people, but I couldn’t have more than a friendship with both of them. Do I want to be with both of them?

No. Because in the section preceding this one you said you might not want to be with Benji ever.

What I felt for him was different from what I felt for Cy. I wasn’t even sure if having feelings for Cy was even accurate. What I felt was drawn to him. I needed him, but I wasn’t sure why. There was just something in my gut telling me that he’d entered my life for a reason.

It’s the author. She needed a love triangle. That’s why he entered your life.

Benji gets two more beers and Rory is like, guess I’m driving, and Benji is like, nah, I’ll just have these. So, Benji is going to slam three beers and get in the car and drive. Awesome. Rory tells him that she has to go back to work after the party, and he asks if he can come with her. So like, Benji is going to slam three beers and get in the car and drive to Rory’s work, where he’ll be, you know. Drunk at Rory’s work. Good plan.

Luckily, Rory isn’t having it, so we get treated to yet another round of talking about their potential relationship. Because none of us have gotten tired of that yet.

“I’m jus trying to drink up the nerve to ask to kiss you.”

On the same day, the same day that she says she’s not sure about him and she might never want to go out with him, Benji is angling for physical gratification. Awesome.

You know what? Benji is such a fucking dick, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was the actual hero of the story and not just the side guy the heroine rejects. I’m taking penny bets here that she ends up with him. There’s no way she won’t; he’s really terrible.

Benji asks Rory if she would be unsure about dating him if Cy hadn’t come into the picture, and she explains:

“I don’t know why you’re interested in me, for one. We don’t really”–I pointed back and forth between the two of us–”make sense.”

“Who says?”

“Me.”

“You’re wrong. We make perfect sense.”

Silly woman. You have no idea if you want to date him or not. Let him make all those decisions for you.

“The White Stripes tee and the yellow oxford. Yeah, makes perfect sense,” I said before taking another drink.

What is this fan-fiction-I-wrote-in-seventh-grade hang up about clothes and bands? You are a fucking adult, Rory. You’re an adult. Benji is not the brunette version of you in a remake of Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” video, okay?

Somehow, in my nervousness, I’d managed to drink the entire cup of beer.

“Want another, or are you done?” he asked.

“No, I’m definitely not done. We came to party, didn’t we?”

Yeah, bro, let’s pound these brewskis and then I’ll get right back to work and DO DRUNKEN SCIENCE ON THIS HIGHLY SOUGHT AFTER SPACE ROCK OF WHICH ONLY ONE SPECIMEN EXISTS.

 

Benji is now halfway done with his third beer, and Rory is ready to make this a drinking contest. Benji says:

“Whoa there. Slow down. I don’t want to be blamed if you don’t make it back to work.”

“Do I seem like the kind of girl who makes everything everyone else’s fault?”

The conversation comes back to the shirt analogy, and Benji says:

“It’s not the outside, Rory. I mean, you’re obviously beautiful and unorthodox. I wear button-ups and get nosebleeds, but it’s the inside where we make sense.”

Let’s talk for a minute about how this is a rape scene, shall we? Great.

So, Rory goes down on him, then they have intercourse. That’s seriously it. From BJ to insertion, the whole thing is shorter than the will they/won’t they that we just had to sit through from the party until now.

The prose is E.L. James level vague:

He pumped and rocked against me, faster and stronger each time, rubbing against every part of me that I wanted him to until I could feel the build, until it consumed me, overtaking my entire body, finally making my thighs twitch uncontrollably. I moaned and let my arms fall back with my hands over my head. Benji reached for them, intertwining his fingers in mine. He rocked against me, each time making the smallest, most amazing humming sound until he came.

I was seriously waiting for a “he detonated around me.”

“I love you,” he said, brushing my hair back from my face. I wasn’t sure what expression I had, but it made one corner of his mouth turn up. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say it back.”

She can’t say it back. She’s got over half the book left to stretch this conflict over. Tomorrow she’ll probably hate you again.

I closed my eyes, refusing to think too much about what we’d done or what he’d just said, just enjoying having someone so close who loved me that much. I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling was love, but I’d never felt this way before.

Meanwhile, back at the space rock, JUST KIDDING HA HA THERE’S STILL NO FUCKING SCIENCE FICTION IN THIS BOOK JUST KISSING AND SURPRISE IMMORTALITY.

 

“Nobody wants to hear about your stupid dream, Jenny!” Fuck that, yes you totally do.

If you’re new here, you should know that I’m one of those horrible people who hates to hear about other people’s dreams but constantly talks about their own. I figure this is okay because I love dogs, so that kind of evens things out and keeps my dick level low to moderate.

Anyway, like the last dream I forced upon the public, this one requires some understanding of who people are. Like these two ladies, here:

This is Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson, whose show, Broad City, is one of my current television favorites due to the consistently cringe-inducing second-hand embarrassment-based story lines.

You also should know who Craig Ferguson is. I can’t imagine that you are on the internet and you don’t; they’ll practically delete your Tumblr if you haven’t reblogged a minimum of two .gifs of him:

He’s also the face/voice inspiration for Ian Pratchett in my Bossverse novels, and since Ian is the hero of the project I’ll be working on in March, I’ve had him and Penny on the brain. So, I’m not sure if it’s Craig Ferguson in my dream, or Ian Pratchett. Either way, this is what he looked like.

The last component here is this dude:

The evil King Richard from Galavant.

So, here’s how the dream went: I was somehow, miraculously, hanging out with Abbi and Ilana, and I get a call. It’s from Craig/Ian (actually, now I’m pretty sure it was Ian, because he’s the only person in this scenario who is an extension of my own thought and therefore would know my telephone number) and he’s like, “I just had knee surgery, can you bring me an ice pack?” We’re like, yeah, totally, we can bring you an ice pack, and we all head off to go.

So, we took off and I was being totally hilarious and witty just like them, and we were the very best of friends. And our adventures were awesome, but the entire time I was thinking, “Man, Craig Ferguson really needs this ice pack, I bet his knee is killing him.” We went to a store to buy ice packs, and they didn’t have any, so for some reason we went…

to a castle.

And apparently, a castle where bad things could happen to us, because we were suddenly plunged into this whole “evade the guards” scenario where we were trying to sneak around, but we were just getting lost deeper and deeper in the castle, until we found ourselves in this bedroom full of like, powder wigs and crowns. And I was like, “Guys. This is the king’s bedroom. We better get out of here, because we’re going to get caught and executed for treason or some shit.”

Then some guards came in, and the king was with them. We hid under the bed, but my cell phone rang, and it was Craig/Ian saying, “Where the hell is my ice pack? I asked you to do this one thing.” I don’t know why I answered, since we were hiding, but Abbi and I ran, and somehow, the way dreams are, I guess Ilana got separated from us. We looped back around and found Ilana hanging out with King Richard and vaping weed on this giant king bed. So we all sat around and got high and were having a generally good time until I remembered, holy shit, we have to get Craig/Ian that ice pack!

I called home and asked Mr. Jen if we still had any ice packs, and he was like, “No, we had to throw them out.” Which checks out, because our daughter is a total hypochondriac and she’s always hoarding disposable ice packs and hot water bottles and heating pads in her room, and we’ve had to throw out so many ice packs she’s just kind of wandered off and left to get punctured or stepped on or whatnot. So I’m like, shit. I need to find an ice pack.

In the end, we went to Mr. Jen’s store and just bought up all the frozen peas, and raced to the address Craig/Ian gave us. It was the fucking hospital! We were all furious, because obviously they have ice packs in a hospital, right?

That’s when the dream ended and I woke up.

I have no idea what this dream was about. I guess it was probably about nothing, because my dreams often don’t have any real significance. But it was a nice change from the dreams where I’m looking for a public restroom and all of them are filthy.

 

STICKY POST: Citizens of Trout Nation! We need your domestic violence and rape support donation links!

THIS IS A STICKY POST. ANY NEW CONTENT WILL HAPPEN UNDERNEATH THIS POST.

Hey everybody out there in Trout Nation! With the 50 Shades of Grey movie barreling down on us like an out-of-control ostrich armed with dynamite and a thirst for vengeance, we need to make a plan. A big, awesome plan.

We’ve talked before about donating the price of a movie ticket to an anti-domestic violence organization instead of paying to see 50 Shades of Grey. Or, donating it in penance for the ticket you’re going to buy. It’s time to put our money where our mouths are. We need to make a list of places that provide resources (food, shelter, counseling, etc.) for victims of domestic violence and/or rape, by state/province/country whatever. That way, people can give locally! Suggestions for national charities is good, also!

Some of these links will take you straight to organizations you can donate to. Others will take you to coalition sites where you can find a local organization.

You can email me your links at jenny@jennytrout.com (please don’t tweet or facebook message them, there’s too big a chance they’ll get overlooked) and I’ll keep listing them until February 28th.

Hit the read more link to see the list.

FINLAND:

NATIONAL

Naisten Linja

The Federation of Mother and Child Homes and Shelters

IRELAND:

NATIONAL

Rape Crisis Network Ireland

Women’s Aid

 

KILDARE COUNTY:

Teach Tearmainn

UNITED KINGDOM:

NATIONAL

Women’s Aid

Refuge

UNITED STATES:

NATIONAL

Verizon Wireless Hopeline Program

A.A.R.D.V.A.R.C

 

ARKANSAS

Arkansas Coalition Against Domestic Violence, Little Rock

 

CALIFORNIA

California Partnership to End Domestic Violence, links to many local services

California Coalition Against Sexual Assault, Sacramento

 

GEORGIA

Ahimsa House, Atlanta (this organization protects the pets of people leaving abusive situations)

 

IOWA

Domestic Violence Intervention Program, Iowa City

RVAP, Iowa City

 

MAINE

Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence, Augusta

 

MARYLAND

Center For Abused Persons, Waldorf

 

MASSACHUSETTS

Respond, Somerville 

Finex House, Jamaica Plain

Boston Area Rape Crisis Center, Cambridge

 

MICHIGAN

Dwelling Place of Grand Rapids “Liz’s House”, Grand Rapids

 

NEW JERSEY

Women Rising, Jersey City

Center for Hope and Saftey, Hackensack

 

NEW YORK

Vera House, Syracuse 

 

NORTH CAROLINA:

Safe Alliance, Charlotte

Interact, Raleigh

 

OHIO:

Choices for Victims of Domestic Violence, Columbus

Merlin Club S05E01-02: “Arthur’s Bane”

Merlin club is a weekly feature in which Jessica Jarman, Bronwyn Green, and myself gather at 8pm EST to watch an episode of the amazing BBC series Merlin, starring Colin Morgan and literally nobody else I care about except Colin Morgan.

Okay, I lie. A lot of other really cool people are in it, too.

Anyway, we watch the show, we tweet to the hashtag #MerlinClub, and on Fridays we share our thoughts about the episode we watched earlier in the week.

So, here’s a quick rundown of episodes one and two: Morgana is looking for “Arthur’s Bane,” which will kill Arthur and she’ll rule Camelot and yadda yadda. Morgana has been trying to rule Camelot more times than Mitt Romney has tried to rule the United States, and she’s pulling it off just as badly. At this point, she is no longer a credible threat, but Arthur has to rescue his knights, so he goes after her. There’s some primo fan service with Gwain and Percy getting all sweaty in a cave, there’s an alien for some reason, and we learn that the creepy druid kid Morgana rescued all those years ago has either aged really quickly or has aged appropriately within the timeline the audience is somehow not privy to, and he’s going to eventually kill Arthur.

If I had written this episode, I would have changed: I’m not really feeling the alien subplot. I also would have liked them to make the time jump between season four and season five more obvious; the first time I watched the show I had no idea when we were.

The thing I loved most about this episode: GWEN! Oh my god, Gwen is the ruler Camelot needs. She was absolutely stone cold in condemning Sefa, while all the time calculating that she would use the girl as bait in a trap. She didn’t try to appear understanding and kind, she went in and got the job done. You know I love Arthur, but Gwen is the one who needs to be running in this kingdom.

The thing I hated most about this episode: When the fuck are we?! Mordred is like thirty now. Let’s say that the last time we saw Mordred, was that in season three? He was like ten. That’s maximum. I wouldn’t buy that he was twelve or thirteen. I’m saying ten. So, he’s ten. Then there’s a time jump between the end of season three and the beginning of season four, right? But Morgause is still alive in the first episode of season four, so…what the hell is going on? Let’s say he’s seventeen here (and that’s as low as I’ll go), that’s still seven years over three seasons, but with no time jumps explained? How the shit is this happening?

Something I never noticed before: There is a point where in the cave where all the knights are working (the biggest fan service cave of all time), everybody is sleeping while guards patrol around. Why not work them in shifts, for continual labor?

Favorite Costume: 

What object would Bronwyn steal from this episode? 

 

This is a shitty screencap, and I’m sure I’ve probably already used this one for this question before, but I honestly can’t believe she doesn’t already own this necklace.

What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? In the first of the two episodes, when Merlin is sitting all by himself while everyone else is joking and laughing around the fire, and Arthur comes over and sits with him and they talk about the nature of knights going off to face certain doom and yadda yadda, and Merlin asks Arthur if he cares:

Arthur: “Only about my men. We’re more than friends. More than brothers. No matter what lies ahead of me, I won’t abandon them, as I know they would not abandon me.”

Merlin: “I understand. I wish I didn’t. But I do.”

This was totally their when-he-said-as-you-wish-he-was-really-saying-I-love-you moment.

Check out Jessica Jarman’s take on the episode here

Check out Bronwyn Green’s take on the episode here

 

Dakota Johnson’s facial expressions in this 2014 interview are the best early reviews of the Fifty Shades film

I was going to schedule this for Monday, but since I’ll have an Apolonia recap that will be done by then and since it’s been a long time since I was able to have fun with Twilight or whatever this movie is, I thought what the hell, I’ll just post it when I’m done.

Continuing the mockery of this cultural phenomenon that has swept in like some sort of alien invasion where only some human bodies got snatched and the rest of us were unaffected and had to pretend to be Nicole Kidman pretending to have been body snatched, I present to you:

DAKOTA JOHNSON’S FACIAL EXPRESSIONS ARE SHOWING US HOW MUCH THIS MOVIE IS PROBABLY GOING TO SUCK.

In this Vanity Fair interview in mid-2014, Johnson is filming her role as Anastasia Rose Steele-(spoilers)-Grey. The fist thing I noticed about this interview is how awkward she seems talking to journalists. She reminds me of another young actress, who played a similarly awkward role, in film based off of a bestselling novel that was almost exactly like this one except it had vampires in it.

The second thing I noticed was how much Johnson resembled a woman predicting her own imminent death. I don’t want to guess at Johnson’s state of mind, but her face, at least, seems to know that this movie is not going to be heralded as a critical achievement.

For example, this happened as she answered a question about working with her co-star and director:

Now, of course, we know that the production was an absolute fucking war zone as Sam Taylor-Johnson and E.L. James fought each other over apparently everything. Of course, the production wants you very much to believe that everything was super fine. Producer Michael De Luca told Vanity Fair:

Was there a time you thought Taylor-Johnson, or James, was going to walk off the set? I ask De Luca. “No, because it wasn’t something that could ever be allowed to happen,” he says. “Our mantra through the whole movie was ‘When debates come up, we’re going to work it out, because this thing is going to shoot, and it’s going to wrap, and it’s going to get released.’ None of us are going anywhere, so we might as well lock arms and have a good time.”

But in the same article, director Sam Taylor-Johnson said:

“I kept trying to remind myself that they hired me for a reason. Some people said to me, ‘I’m surprised you haven’t quit.’ I was like, ‘Why would you think I’d quit?’ I never quit anything. Not without a fight.” She admits, of James, “We battled all the way through. She’d say the same. There were tough times and revelatory times. There were sparring contests. It was definitely not an easy process, but that doesn’t mean to say that it didn’t come out the right way.”

If there was such can-do, teamwork spirit behind the scenes, why would people ask if the director wanted to quit?

Then there’s the co-star component. Lots of people have commented on how uneasy Dornan and Johnson seem around each other. But I’ll just present this:

 

On the left we have the cover of Entertainment Weekly just after casting was announced, in November 2013. On the right we have the cover of Glamour magazine’s upcoming March issue (scanned by DakotaJohnsonDaily.com, who also have the transcript of the article), over a year and the filming of an entire movie together later. They have more chemistry in the first picture than the the last, in which Johnson and Dornan seem reluctant to touch each other.

So, what happened when Johnson, working on this totally not fraught and probably not disastrous movie, was asked if she would be sad when filming was over?

The only time she seems genuinely at ease is when she’s talking about how boring Ana is:

Now, is all of this irrefutable proof that the movie is going to suck? Not at all. We won’t know until it’s out. But I think it should probably make fans nervous to see interviews like this one, from last July, in which you can’t tell if the stars are joking about their lack of chemistry, or grimly acknowledging it to each other while thinking, look at us, trapped in our mutual hell as they all laugh from the other side. Well. We’ll see who has the last laugh…

Or something possibly less threatening.

50 Shades of oh god I can’t watch Toy Story ever again.

So, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company Fifty Shades of Grey Bear is a thing. And apparently I’m in the wrong fucking business, if people are willing to pay ninety bucks for a teddy bear.

Anyway, I thought their description needed work, so I fixed it for them (you may need to click the image to read the text at full size).

 

Thank you to everyone who alerted me to the existence of this abomination.

Let’s get creative on the subject of 50 Shades of Grey

I have written 50 Shades of Grey fanfiction. I know, I know. But it’s for a good cause. Cosmopolitan is running a contest on Wattpad.com. They’re looking for the very best 50SoG fanfic Wattpad writers can supply for their “Fifty Days of Fifty Shades” celebration, and I feel like, you know, we have a lot of really talented people here in Trout Nation. Surely, surely we can help Cosmo out.

Here’s the deal: you write a Fifty Shades of Grey inspired fanfic, you post it on Wattpad and you tag it CosmoFiftyShades. It’s that easy.

Here’s my offering. Why not write your own little drabble, use Cosmo’s handy tag, and let your righteous fury shine? When you’re done, post a link in the comment, so you can share with the rest of the class. You have until February 3rd to enter the contest, though I’m pretty sure none of us can provide what Cosmo is looking for.

 

Merlin Club S04E12-13, “The Sword In The Stone” or “Why isn’t anybody supervising that dragon?”

Merlin club is a weekly feature in which Jessica Jarman, Bronwyn Green, and myself gather at 8pm EST to watch an episode of the amazing BBC series Merlin, starring Colin Morgan and literally nobody else I care about except Colin Morgan.

Okay, I lie. A lot of other really cool people are in it, too.

Anyway, we watch the show, we tweet to the hashtag #MerlinClub, and on Fridays we share our thoughts about the episode we watched earlier in the week.

So, here’s a quick rundown of episode eleven:  It’s the feast of Beltane, because fuck it, we don’t know what religion we’re going with here, and because Arthur didn’t open his eyes about Agravaine, Morgana manages to bust into Camelot and seize the throne. Then Arthur and his men have to go hide in Ealdor or however it’s spelled, where Arthur and Gwen hook back up, and then everybody goes back to Camelot and gets into a fight and wins the throne back. Gwen becomes queen, but Morgana gets that baby dragon, so I think they both walk away with something of value.

If I had written this episode, I would have changed: Tristan and Isolde would not make an appearance. This is the last story of the season. I want that time devoted to Arthur, Merlin, Gwen, Morgana, Gaius, and to a lesser extent, some of the knights. Do not ask me to become emotionally involved in a cliched, two-dimensional love story that robs the episode of time that could have been used to deepen the plot.

The thing I loved most about this episode: I liked the scene between Morgana and Gwen, when Gwen is like, why are you doing this, and Morgana is basically like, nothing personal, but I gotta do this because. It’s not like Morgana wants to kill Gwen, Gwen is just standing in the way of her ambition. That’s another trait like Uther; she’s looking out for number one.

I also loved that whatever spell Merlin did on Arthur made him so chill and introspective.

The thing I hated most about this episode: Morgana is so fucking stupid, and it’s not getting any better. She has learned nothing from the last time she was queen for two minutes. In fact, she’s only gotten worse. Threatening to burn the crops? Of the kingdom that you now rule?  Torturing and starving knights who are technically under your command now because they’ve pledged their loyalty to Camelot? Spending zero time securing your throne because you want to watch Gwain get sweaty fighting dudes at your command? Well… I can’t really argue with that one, but I assure you, you’re not doing great.

I also hate that Arthur jerks Gwen around so much. “Oh, I’m so sad about Gwen. Oh, Gwen, thank god I’ve found you again. Oh, Gwen, I wish you hadn’t read so much into that because I don’t really want to get together with you. Oh, Gwen, MARRY ME! At this point, I’m like, “Gwen. You deserve better.”

Something I never noticed before: The lower town gets destroyed all the time at Camelot. Whenever there’s an emergency, someone runs in and bam, the lower town has been destroyed, your majesty. Why do people keep living there, and why hasn’t someone done something to fix this problem?

Favorite Costume: I bet you all thought I was going to say “Gwen’s coronation dress” but joke’s on you:

Freeze framed like that, there is something interesting happening in the crotchal region. I know it’s probably a mic or something. But it’s interesting.

What object would Bronwyn steal from this episode? Various pieces from this costume:

I’m assuming knife, sword, leather cuffs, necklace, belt, and ponytail are on this list.

What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? “Whatever you say. I’m in your hands.”

Check out Jessica Jarman’s take on the episode here

Check out Bronwyn Green’s take on the episode here