Abigail Barnette's Blog, page 84

Merlin Club S05E12-13, “The Diamond of The Day” or “That one camping trip where all your friends died.”

Merlin club is a weekly feature in which Jessica Jarman, Bronwyn Green, and myself gather at 8pm EST to watch an episode of the amazing BBC series Merlin, starring Colin Morgan and literally nobody else I care about except Colin Morgan.

Okay, I lie. A lot of other really cool people are in it, too.

Anyway, we watch the show, we tweet to the hashtag #MerlinClub, and on Fridays we share our thoughts about the episode we watched earlier in the week.

So, here’s a quick rundown of episodes twelve and thirteen: Morgana has this black sentient tongue thing, and she sends it to rob Merlin of his magic. Meanwhile, Arthur and his men are going to go after Morgana’s army at Camlann, which, savvy viewers  may recall, is where Arthur is foretold to die. So, Merlin can’t exactly go with them, and he ends up going to the crystal cave instead, where Morgana uses a rock fall to trap him inside. But magic and merlin are like this *holds up two sets of crossed fingers* and Merlin’s magic dad comes back Mufasa style in a vision and Merlin gets his magic. He busts ass out of the cave in full on Dragoon The Great regalia, and goes to Camlann, where the knights are already engaged with Morgana’s forces. Merlin uses Morgana’s dragon against her, and unleashes some sick ass lightning magic to take out her army, but the damage is done, because Mordred stabs Arthur and Arthur stabs Mordred back, and now they’re both going to die (Mordred sooner than Arthur). Morgana freaks that fuck out once Mordred is gone, and she’s suddenly not like, “I want revenge on Arthur,” she’s like, “I want him dead.” And she’s in luck, because he’s super dying. Merlin tries to take Arthur to the Isle of the Blessed to save his life, but it’s far away, and fate wants him real, real dead, because they keep getting delayed and their horses run away, and Arthur is super mad that Merlin never told him he was a sorcerer. Finally, after Merlin has killed Morgana and he’s just about to get Arthur to the Isle of the Blessed, Arthur dies. Kilgarrah comes back and all the great, snotty tears roll out of my face and my wounded heart pours upon the floor.

If I had written this episode, I would have changed: Okay, so…this is a show about magic, right? So…why can’t Morgana just use some kind of scrying or divination or a nosy ass crow to see where Merlin and Arthur and random people are going? Why did we have to endure another Hail Mary romantic betrayal? The relationship between Gwain and the blond girl… was that strictly necessary? It ate up so much time, and for no reason. It was yet another one-episode-meeting-to-love-to-unthinkable-treason storylines, like the one we just had. All so this random character could feed information to Morgana.

Also, Gwain saves this girl during a raid. So we have to assume she was planted in that raid so that she could make a knight rescue and fall in love with her and tell her all of the army’s plans.

Wow, that is actually a totally in-character plan for Morgana. Never mind.

This is the first episode where Morgana’s desperate, reckless decisions in her quest for revenge actually make sense. She’s getting close to the finish line, and she’s so afraid of stumbling, she stumbles. In this episode, all of her horribly thought out, ridiculously intricate plans make total sense. But I still would have axed the spy plot.

The thing I loved most about this episode: ALL OF IT. But seriously, all of it. Even the stuff I hate. Even the stuff I know is super bad and full of plot holes. Every piece of this finale is a perfect send off. There are very few television shows whose finale has moved me on such a level as the Merlin finale. And a part of that is the fact that, warts and all, this show is good. It’s entertaining, and the characters are real. None of them are wholly good or wholly bad. When I saw this for the first time, I had to pause it at Morgana’s death, because I couldn’t hear the tv over my crying. Even though she was the villain, I felt for her, and I still liked her, like a friend you have a bad falling out with, but you remember the good times. And you walk away knowing that Gwen is going to be sad about Arthur, but it’s not going to kill her. Camelot’s going to be stronger than ever. And every time I watch it, I have hope that it’s going to end differently. It’s somehow masterful, despite all its flaws. And that’s really a good way to sum up the series. Plus, the shock cut at the very end is amazing.

The thing I hated most about this episode: Well, the part where all my friends die is a pretty strong contender.

Something I never noticed before: I hate to say it, but I never noticed that we really don’t ever get a sense of why Arthur is the greatest king who ever lived. Or maybe I’m missing something. Maybe he’s coming back because he hasn’t been the greatest king who ever lived yet? I don’t know. I’m just confused, because in the fanfic outline I wrote down there in the head canon question, Gwen is a way better king than Arthur.

Proof of some random headcanon I created: After Gwen’s coronation, she strikes down the prohibition of magic and decrees that Camelot will financially compensate the families of the people Uther killed for magic. Three-quarters of the population of Camelot turn out to be secret magic users. They gather at the castle to pull down a statue of Uther and smash it to bits. After a period of mourning and meditation in the crystal cave, Merlin returns to Camelot, and Gaius does have his favorite meal waiting, as he has every night since he last saw him. Merlin and Gwen bond over their shared love of Arthur and the pain of the tragedy of his death and fall deeply in love, finally fulfilling the promise of all that season one flirting. But there is always a tragic understanding between both of them that if Arthur were alive, they wouldn’t be together, because they would both pick Arthur over each other. Merlin and Gwen rule Camelot together, but he never takes a royal title. They have three children, and they give them whatever the Merlin equivalent of the Harry Potter spawns’ names is. Merlin and Gwen grow old together, but Merlin doesn’t die, he just keeps living on. His children rule Camelot together, forming a small representative democracy with progressive tax laws, and he spends a lot of time in the crystal cave, remembering his friends and accepting his sacred duty of watching over Arthur.

Oh, and Kilgarrah eats Gaius during an argument over what conflicting advice to give Merlin.

Favorite Costume: 

What object would Bronwyn steal from this episode? Have I mentioned this before? That Bronwyn would like a beautiful round table for her living room? But I think she would like this one even better because ALL OF OUR FRIENDS ARE NOT DEAD.

What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? There were no naughty Merthur thoughts here. Just horrible snots everywhere. This episode is emotional porn to Jess. It would be ridiculous to say anything about any scene other than Arthur asking Merlin to hold him, because every ship has a life raft, but Merthur has the R.M.S. CONFIRMED IN CANON in their harbor because of that. fucking. scene.

Check out Jessica Jarman’s take on the episode here

Check out Bronwyn Green’s take on the episode here

 

Jealous Hater’s Book Club: Apolonia, chapter nine

Believe it or not, the science fiction is actually starting to emerge slowly, like a fragile blossom unfolding its petals to the sun.

The misogyny train chugs merrily along the tracks right from the beginning of chapter nine, when Rory wakes up in Benji’s dorm room:

“I’m going to go home for a bit. Take a shower and changed before I go to the lab.”

“I’ll walk you.”

“That’s really not necessary.”

“C’mon, I’m not letting you take the walk of shame. This wasn’t a one-night stand for me. I just want to walk you to work.”

He wasn’t being weird at all, which was a huge relief.

So, if Rory walks home by herself, it’s a “walk of shame,” but even though Benji had just as much sex as she had the night before, it’s somehow not a walk of shame if he goes with her? His presence somehow signals that the sex they had wasn’t something to be ashamed of?

And let’s touch for a moment on the “He wasn’t being weird at all” statement. I find the preoccupation both the male leads have with walking Rory around very weird. So, if Rory is thinking, “Well, he’s not acting unlike the way he usually does,” that would be one thing, but he’s definitely acting weird.

Anyway, he does walk her to her dorm, where he waits outside the building for her to shower. I don’t know why she doesn’t just invite him up to her room, but whatever. Then he walks her to the Fitz, where he says:

“I can’t stop thinking about last night. I swear, I won’t sweat the fact that you’re going to be cooped up in a tiny lab with Cyrus for the rest of the day, if we could do that again.”

Let me run that through the Nice Guy translator: “If you promise we’ll have sex today, I won’t try to guilt you for being alone with another person.”

When Rory says that she had a good time, Benji says:

“Okay, I lied. I’ll still wonder what’s going on between you and Cyrus.”

Isn’t it weird how if a female character acted like this, she would be a crazy, clingy stalker, but since this is a guy, it’s supposed to make the main character see how loved she is? Or whatever?

“You don’t have to wonder,” I said. “It’s not like that. I wish I could explain to you what it’s like, but it’s not like that.”

“No?”

I shook my head. “It’s not like us.”

This is that part of the recap where I remind everybody that I’m using underlines to represent italics because for some reason quotes are always displayed as italics in this theme.

So, okay. Whatever is between Rory and Cyrus, it’s not like what’s between Rory and Benji. But as we still don’t know what’s between Rory and Benji, it actually does seem like, at least on the surface, it’s exactly the same. Let’s look at the facts:

Both guys are attracted to her for some reason, despite the fact that she treats them terribly.
Both guys rush to physical altercation to protect her.
Both guys seem to be following her around because they’re always just randomly popping up when she needs protection.
Both guys are obsessed with walking her everywhere, even though one of them has a fucking car.

Benji smiled and then slowly wrapped his arms around me, tightening them gradually until I was against him, snug and warm. My arms were around him, too, under his coat. He didn’t have an ounce of body fat on him He was solid, all lean muscle.”

I’m glad you clarified that, Rory, because when I was imagining a guy without an ounce of body fat on him, I was assuming he was gaseous vapor with the consistency of overcooked macaroni.

He made this wonderful involuntary humming breath noise,

That’s called humming.

as if he were the happiest he’d ever been. It made me want to sink into him even further, so I did, and he held me tighter. I didn’t want to move, but I had to. I had federal laws to break, and Benji had a family to go home to for Thanksgiving.

Okay, CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! FINALLY. Rory notes that he’s happy without immediately adding, “but I’m not happy because my family was MURDERED!” and even goes on to acknowledge his family without bringing up her lack of family! Finally, we’re able to go a full page without being repeatedly slapped with the heroine’s tragic backstory!

As good as the hug felt, I wasn’t completely sure about making a habit of kissing good-bye.

Well, you were kind of riding him on the floor of his dorm room last night, so…

I’m kind of feeling for Benji here, as obnoxious as I find him and his Nice Guy bullshit. He takes this girl home and he’s like, it’s cool, I care about you, I like you in that way, but I’m not expecting anything. She knows he’s into her, that he’s been drinking a lot, and she initiates sex, anyway. After sex, he tells her that he loves her, and the next morning, knowing all of this has happened, she uses a phrase like, “It’s not like us,” and does a whole PDA cuddle thing with him. Then, and only then, does she think that she doesn’t want to make regular relationship things “a habit.”

You guys know me. And you know how much I hate Nice Guys and the school of thought that women owe men something. But this is not a case of a Nice Guy who won’t take a hint. We’re in Rory’s head, and all we’re getting is basically, hey, this guy really likes me, I don’t know if I like him, but I’m going to hang out with him all the time, act jealous if he talks to other women, have sex with him while he’s drunk, but I don’t know if I want want a relationship and how the hell is he getting the idea that I would want to be with him? Basically, fuck this guy’s feelings, I’m going to use him for what I want to use him for. And Benji has no way of guarding himself from this, because all he knows is that Rory has been through a terrible experience and has trouble relating to other people, but that her behavior toward him has changed in a way that seems positive to him. When Rory says, “it’s not like us,” she’s telling Benji that “us” is an actual possibility. When she tells him she’s not into physical contact, then grinds his pelvis to a fine powder, he’s probably thinking, “Well, she got over that pretty quickly, didn’t she?”

Basically, if I were to create a Venn diagram of Nice Guy behavior and Selfish Jerk behavior, then Rory and Benji’s “relationship” is the part in the middle that overlaps.

In the lab, Cyrus notices that Rory is flushed, and Rory was like, oh no, he must know what I did, and I’m thinking, chill bitch. It’s November. Everybody is flushed when they come in from outside.

I looked at Cy for a moment. He was still beautiful, still everything I couldn’t stop thinking about since the beginning of the semester, and I still felt drawn to him, but for the first time, I wondered why.

I’m pretty sure we’ve seen her wonder why before. But as long as we’re all pondering the great mysteries of the cosmos, can I just wonder about the fact that Cyrus is “everything” Rory can’t stop thinking about, but she still left the party with Benji and slept with him? Where was her fixation on Cy then?

I bet you’re wondering what’s going on with the space rock plot line! Wonder no more:

Cy and I worked all day and halfway through the night.

There it is. There is the hard-hitting science fiction you came into this book expecting. They did some science stuff, vaguely, in one line, before we race back to the more important romance plot.

When I return to my dorm, a clean, folded maroon T-shirt with yellow writing had been slipped under my door, the one Benji had given me to wear the night before, and it also happened to be my favorite one that he wore.

Writing Tip: mind your subject/verb agreement. The way this is written, Benji gave Rory a door that they’ve both worn.

Also, how big is the gap under this door that someone could slide a folded t-shirt through it?

The note Benji left is a hand-written one that’s posted as an illustration in the book. I’m on the fence as to whether or not I like this effect. On the one hand, I’m like, “Hey, that’s unique. Right on, good idea.” On the other hand, I’m like, “That’s clearly not handwritten, it’s a font. And the written lines don’t match up with the lines on the paper. And also, this is very jarring, to find an illustration in a grown-up book.” So I’m not sure, but kudos for taking a risk.

After a section break, Rory wakes up in Benji’s shirt. Cy is knocking on the door, and he’s there to tell her they need to start early.

I walked away from the open door and crashed back onto my bed. “I don’t really do early after pulling an all-nighter,” I said, lifting the covers over my head.

Okay, it was previously established that the CIA is after them, but yeah, catch a few more hours. It’s Thanksgiving, after all. Oh, but just kidding about that early start thing! Because Cy actually wants to take her to breakfast, first. Absolutely, when the most terrifying intelligence agency in our country, one that operates literally above the law, is coming after you, you want to start your day off with a healthy, balanced breakfast.

But Cy is like, a little too intense about this breakfast thing. Like, he really, really needs her to go to breakfast:

“I…just allow me this. Please.” Cy’s expression was desperate.

It made me curious and worried and a little sick to my stomach. Is it about the rock? The CIA? Doctor Z? Does he somehow know about Benji and me? 

Why does it matter if Dr. Zoidberg knows about you and Benji?

“Uh…okay.” I stood up and peeled off my clothes as I walked toward the bathroom.

“What are you doing?” Cy said, turning around and shielding his eyes. His voice was raised an octave, sounding similar to what we non-Egyptians call panic.

Cy speaks English, Rory. I bet he describes it as panic, too. Or maybe he’s just shocked and uncomfortable because you started taking your clothes off in front of him?

“Taking a shower,” I said, slipping my heather gray cotton panties down over my hips and letting them fall to the floor. I twisted the shower knob with one hand and grabbed a towel with the other, and the water sprayed against the tile floor.

The door closed behind me quickly, but not before Cy uttered the words, “You’ll not be long?”

“Five minutes,” I said. I smiled as the hot water poured over my face. It was about time Cy was the one who felt unsettled.

Or sexually harassed, that’s another way he probably feels. You don’t just take your clothes off in front of someone to embarrass them or make them “unsettled.” If a male character purposely exposed himself to the heroine with the sole intent of making her uncomfortable about his nakedness, it would read as a sex crime. Here, it’s supposed to be cute and funny because Rory is a bad girl who doesn’t give a shit about anything.

That, and, as we have been assured, both the male leads want her. I do not feel the sexual tension between them that I suspect I’m supposed to. I do not see why Benji wants to pursue this girl who is sullen and moody, and in some cases downright nasty to him. I do not see why Rory is so convinced she and Cy have some kind of thing between them, nor can I understand why I’m supposed to believe that Cy has deep feelings for her. Every one of Rory’s interactions with the male characters is forced, cliche, or overdramatic. Frequently all three at once.

This book is just Twilight, but the Jacob character is the white guy and the Edward character is the “ethnic” guy.  Except in Twilight, I actually could believe that there was chemistry between Edward and Bella.

Cy and Rory go to Gigi’s, where Cy drinks black coffee and Rory drinks hot water, because remember, apart from the beers she drank, she can only physically handle water. It’s snowing out, and of course Rory doesn’t have a coat:

I was wearing three layers, including a tank top, my favorite silver sweater, and an orange fleece vest.

The reason she still isn’t wearing a coat is because if she had one, Cy couldn’t show concern for her:

Cy insisted that I dress warmly when I came out of the shower. With his back still turned, he’d said, “It’s going to be very cold today and even more so tonight. Please, please take better care of yourself, Rory.”

and if the male characters can’t show concern for Rory’s health and well-being, then the author is plum out of ideas as to how to make it seem like there’s anything romantic going on.

Writing tip: Watch your tenses. Ideally, that first sentence should read, “When I’d come out of the shower, Cy had insisted that I dress warmly.”

Also, try to give your characters anything, literally anything to do that suggests they might actually have an iota of romantic chemistry.

Being watched over wasn’t something that had appealed to me for the last two and a half years. But lately, it didn’t seem all that bad.

So far in this story, all we’ve seen Rory do is get cared for and watched over and walked to class and rescued at parties and generally treated like a fragile-but-surly baby porcupine.

The food comes, with a side of more concern:

“This is serious, Rory. I need to know you’ll be okay.”

I stopped chewing. “Why?” I asked, my voice muffled by the pound of food in my face.

This entire book is just other characters asking Rory if she’s okay. But just the male characters. The only other female character we’ve ever seen is out to get her.

But there’s some important characterization that’s actually woven in pretty skillfully. Remember at the beginning of the book, when Rory doesn’t even bother to eat because she’s so lost in her personal darkness? We’ve gradually been seeing her eat more and more since that first chapter.

Cy asks Rory to tell him something she’s never told anyone before.

“Why?”

“Because I asked you to.”

“That’s weird.”

“You’re weird.”

“So are you.”

“Exactly,” he said in a flat voice. “Tell me about what you’ve buried.”

“This conversation has taken an awkward turn, like, before it even started.”

“There’s a point.”

“Okay, so you go first.”

No, you hang up first! Ha ha ha, no. No, you hang up first. Okay. Okay, on the count of three…one…two…th…I knew you weren’t going to hang up!

Cy tells Rory that he believes in fate, and she’s like:

“Lame.” My response came automatically even though I was a devout disciple of fate. I needed to believe that what had happened to my parents and Sydney happened for a reason. I needed to believe that they were taken, and I was spared to fulfill some purpose, that the universe needed to leave me here, emotionally crippled and alone in my pain. And as crazy as it sounded, I believed Cy played a part somehow.

Then that makes one of us, Rory. Because at the moment, I’m reading the most forced, trust-me-everybody-they-really-have-chemistry love triangle of all time.

Rory doesn’t really want to reveal anything to Cy, so she tells him she’s a lizard, and he tries another angle, asking her why she puts herself in danger so often.

“Walking alone in the dark. Antagonizing men with a history of violence against women. Driving so fast that you wrecked your car, which is why you’ve been a pedestrian for the last twenty months. Walking out too far in an angry sea. Frequenting the dangerous side of town–alone, at night–for absolutely no reason. Getting on the back of a motorcycle with a complete stranger, who was clearly drunk. That’s not even half of it.”

I squirmed in my chair. Some of those thing happened before I knew Cy. Even more happened in high school the six months after my parents died. All of them, no one knew about, not even Dr. Z.

That second paragraph is a broken roller coaster full of sentences screaming because they know they’re going to die strapped into this ride. Okay. “Some of those things happened before I knew Cy.” Got it. “Even more happened in high school the six months after my parents died.” Okay, question: “even more” than what he just listed, or “even more” of the events he mentioned took place in those six months? “All of them, no one knew about, not even Dr. Z.” Okay, Yoda. Why not try, “No one knew about all of them, not even Dr. Z?”

Cy put his elbows on the table. “Spending so much time with Benji Reynolds?”

The last sentence nearly caused me to choke on the bit of burrito in my mouth. I swallowed. “Benji? He’s harmless.”

Or is he…A WEREWOLF?! *suspenseful music*

“I’m thorough. What you should be asking is how I could learn all of that about you but have to ask what you know about Benji. He has no records. There is nothing available on him or his family anywhere, not even a birth certificate. I couldn’t even access his school records at KIT.”

Okay, at this point, I have some red flags going up in terms of plot similarity to something else, but I can’t figure out if it’s just because it’s a common trope or not.

I really dislike the whole “there are no records on him” thing. It’s not just this book, it’s a lot of books. How do people with no documentation blithely go around getting into high schools and colleges and shit if they don’t have any record of their existence? And it gets used so often in fiction that like…okay, it’s not like it would take the FBI to hack into a computer server to find evidence of this shit. If you want to have a bank account, you at least have to have a social security number. And what pisses me off even more is when this trope is employed by like, a crime show or something, where literally the first thing they would find out about the suspect is that they have no records, but it’s the bottom of the second act before they realize it and go, “My god…”

Even if someone has fake documentation, they should still have at least some, right?

Anyway, Cy thinks something about Benji doesn’t make sense:

“You can’t trust him. Think about it. A wealthy, preppy kid follows the campus recluse like a lovesick puppy? Have you ever asked yourself why?”

Cy has clearly been reading the same book as I have.

Rory tells Cy that it’s because she and Benji are both outsiders, and Cy continues to outline the exact same problems I’ve had with Benji as a character from day one:

“He doesn’t belong? He’s athletic, personable, and approachable. The women at this school fawn all over him. He could literally have his pick. He chose you and only you. He refuses to even acknowledge anyone else. You’re far from naive, Rory. Does none of that strike you as odd?”

By the same token, Cy, Benji doesn’t make a very good honeypot to ensnare Rory, because she rejects all of those things. Benji might have had greater success if he’d dressed in all black and started listening to Cradle of Filth.

“You can sense danger, Rory. You couldn’t have missed this. Benji wants to gain access to Dr. Zorba’s lab. That is his final objective.”

I laughed once. “That’s ridiculous. I though I was paranoid.”

Cy reached his hand across the table. “How many times has he asked to accompany you to the lab?”

Well, wait a second…why didn’t Benji just ask to be an intern? Cy kind of rolled up in there and was like, “Can I work on your space rock,” and Dr. Zoidberg was fully on board with that. Doesn’t that seem like it would have been a better plan?

Rory tells Cy to stop trying to protect her, and he says:

“I can live with that. I can’t live with knowing that I’m leaving you here to fall into a tailspin until you wind up like your parents.”

So, obviously this makes Rory go bananas, because she has tried so hard to hide her past, and the wound is still so raw that she has frequent dissociative episodes relating to the trauma.

No, wait, she doesn’t.

“You’re not making any sense, and by the way, fuck you.” I took another bit of burrito for show because I definitely wasn’t hungry anymore.

This was it. This was the big reveal moment, that someone knows about her parents, that it’s being spoken of in the open, that it’s reality and not just her dark secret. This is it. And she just says “fuck you” and eats a burrito? Why cast that tension aside? You can’t just ignore your characterization like that. I mean, you can, but then your book is fucking infuriating.

How does he know these things about me? Why is he so suspicious of Benji? Is he a stalker? Is he Majestic?

Wait, what the fuck is “Majestic?” Is it a cultural reference I’m not getting?

Cy does the “oh my god, lashing out physically in anger only proves he cares about me!” thing by pounding on the table and demanding Rory let him protect her, and they continue for another few lines rehashing the entire scene over again. Let me protect you. I don’t know anything about you. You don’t know anything about me. Let me protect you. I don’t know anything about you, etc. until the reader starts skimming to see if anything will actually happen. Cy tells Rory that unlike Benji, he cares about her, and he’s sorry that he can’t explain his motivations. Then they have to leave for the lab. Rory asks, re: the space rock:

“Why is this so important to you?”

Because it’s a fucking space rock and he’s into space science?

“Are you trying to take the assistant spot from me?”

Oh my god, enough with this. It’s already been established that Dr. Zoidberg needs more than one assistant, especially with the CIA breathing down his neck.

Cy tells her that she deserves the assistant spot, and Rory asks:

“Then why do you work so hard?”

Gosh, I don’t know, Rory. Why would a student assisting a professor work hard? It’s not like that kind of thing would ever look good when you’re trying to get a job in your field and shit.

Despite every wall I’d formed over the last few years, despite everything I had tried so hard to become, and despite the feelings I was beginning to have for Benji, I wanted Cy to say it was because of me. That him joining a class that he clearly didn’t need, the research assistant job, and all this time we were putting into recording the data wasn’t because of some fabled government agency or alien rock, but that it was all for me.

 

Rory feels like Cy is going to be the key to figuring out her purpose in life, which is a totally healthy thing to hang on a stranger.

Cy won’t tell her anything else, except that it’s his fault that Dr. Zoidberg is in this situation, and like, they should probably hurry up and go work on this space rock. But she doesn’t want to go work on space rock, because it’s not her.

Cyrus took my arm and escorted me from the café quickly. It was then that I saw Benji’s orange Mustang pull around the corner and park in the back of the café.

“What is he doing here? He’s supposed to be with his family.”

“Odd, isn’t it?” He continued to keep his hand on my arm and pull me away from café.

Subject/verb agreement GODDAMNIT WE’VE TALKED ABOUT THIS. As an occasional mistake, cool. But three times in one chapter indicates either bad editing or a bad author habit.

Rory asks Cy how he knew to leave Gigi’s, but he won’t tell her.

When we arrived back on campus, Benji was already on the front steps of the Fitz, waiting for me.

When Rory rolls up with Cy, Benji has a really stupid explanation for why he’s not going home for Thanksgiving:

“They called before I got halfway home. Dad was called in to work. My sister works for the same company, so she had to go in, too. Mom wanted to go to her parents’. I wanted to see you.”

Aren’t your mom’s parents your grandparents, Benji? Why not go see them with your mom?

Benji is really pushy about Rory taking the day off, and when she doesn’t, he recommends she come with him to dinner:

“You have to take a dinner break. Call me by seven, okay?” He was smiling, but he couldn’t hide the worry in his eyes.

“I’ll probably just grab something out of the vending machine. I have to go. I’m sorry.”

His welcoming smile quickly faded, and he called after me, “Call me before seven, Rory, okay?”

Rory and Cy vaguely work on “recording data” in the non-specific way they do, while Rory continues to ask Cy how he knows so much about her, and he evades her questions. Near dinner time, Rory texts Benji, and the conversation goes like this (it’s all in italics, so I’m just going to tell you that and not bother to hit you with a long block of underlined text, because I am a gentleman).

Hey.

Hey! How’s it going? Close to the finish line?

No. Not even close.

I’m going to pick you up at 7 for dinner.

No, you’re really not.

C’mon. I’m going to make you a mini Thanksgiving dinner. With a table and everything.

I have to work.

I’ll be outside at seven. Won’t take no for an answer.

You’re being a little weird.

I just want to have Thanksgiving dinner with you. NBD.

Does it have to be 7?

Yes.

That’s weird.

Just trust me, okay? It’s a surprise.

I’ll see what I can do.

Now that Cy has sewn the seeds of suspicion, Benji’s constant pushiness is starting to make sense. But it’s still nagging at me that I’ve seen something almost exactly like this in another book, where the mysterious guy points out that the normal guy is a little suspicious, and then suddenly the normal guy seems threatening and demanding when he wasn’t before. Again, I know that’s a common trope, but Benji is exactly the same as the normal guy character in this other book, and there is heavy emphasis on space rocks, shadowy government agencies, and a hot guy who is an alien in that series, as well. If you’ve read it, you probably know what I’m talking about. I’m really hoping the similarities don’t go any further.

Rory asks Cy what he’s having for dinner, and goes digging through his bag to look for what he’s brought. Instead, she finds a big, empty container.

“It’s for the specimen.”

“The rock? You’re taking it to Dr. Z?”

“No, I’m taking it back.”

“To Antarctica?” I said in disbelief.

“No.”

I waited, but he offered no more. “Then, wh–”

“Don’t ask me, Rory. I can’t tell you.”

HE’S AN ALIEN, RORY. HE’S A FUCKING ALIEN. HOW ARE YOU NOT GETTING THIS?

I felt my entire body pull inward. The answer was right in front of me, but I still didn’t want to believe it.

THE ANSWER IS THAT HE’S AN ALIEN, RORY.

Cy admits that he plans to steal the space rock, and Rory asks if he works for Majestic, and then I remember that Majestic is that weird shadowy subset of the CIA or whatever. Mystery solved! Cy wants to keep the rock safe, so he’s going to take it to a safe place, that I assume is outer space. Rory doesn’t assume this, however, because she cannot grasp that this dude is clearly an alien.

“But…why did you let him keep it all this time just to take it away?”

Cy let out the breath he’d been holding. “Because I needed to know what he was capable of learning from it,” he said quickly, as if he’d been keeping the words in for far too long.

After a long pause, I let out a faltering breath. “Who are you?”

Cy tells her that once Dr. Zoidberg forms a hypothesis about the space rock, the data will be destroyed. She asks if Cy is leaving, and he tells her he is, and that he won’t be coming back.

I thought about so much in that moment–truth and consequences, lies and protection. I’d been trying so hard for so long to keep it together, to keep people away, so I didn’t care. I’d made apathy into an art. And one of the only people on earth I wanted to stick around since I’d said good-bye to existing was leaving me.

Okay, but…what about Benji? We heard about your feelings for him in the last chapter. Now, because Cy is leaving, those feelings are just gone? You don’t care if he sticks around? What the fuck is up with this inconsistent characterization? Plus, we’ve seen more of Rory and Benji than Rory and Cy, so as a reader, I don’t have a sense of this devastation at the idea of Cy leaving, or her deep feelings for him, beyond what I’ve been told instead of shown.

There’s more angst about how Cy is basically the only thing Rory is living for, then she makes fun of him for eating spinach for dinner. Then there’s more recording of data.

After an hour of near silence, knowing these would be my last moments with Cy, the clicking under my fingers ceased. I took a deep breath. “I’m going to miss you.”

Cy kept his eyes sealed over the oculars of the microscope. “Me, too. It keeps me awake some nights…how much I’ll think about you when I leave here.”

I turned to him, incredibly relieved at his answer. I’m not asking you to stay. I’m asking you to come back.”

He looked at me. “I was going to, Rory, but now, I don’t think I…” He stared into my eyes. “I don’t think I should.”

I leaned in. “I thought you were going to miss me?”

Then they almost kiss, and he says that missing her is the reason he shouldn’t come back.

Okay, so, question: where the fuck is Dr. Zoidberg? If this is something that has to be done like NOW, why isn’t he in the lab working with them? Also, if the CIA wanted to take the rock, why haven’t they done it yet? It isn’t like they don’t have the resources to just come to the college and take it. They have access to shit like planes and cars. Also, why would they give them any warning? If the CIA knows about something, you’re going to find out that they know about it when they’re already seizing your space rock and probably disappearing you and your data.

At the very least, I’m super excited that the science fiction is starting to show up. It only took until chapter nine of this science fiction novel.

DRAWN THAT WAY, by Bronwyn Green

Hey there, Trout Nation! Here’s another title from the anthology that got flattened under an avalanche of writer politics bullshit not too long ago! This one comes from #MerlinClub member and the Ann Perkins to my Leslie Knope, Bronwyn Green.

Tristan Weaver, accountant for a successful video game company, is in way over her head. Honestly answering a company-wide survey and criticizing the sexist stereotypes used in the company’s games was enough to catch her boss’ attention.  But speculating on his sex life within his earshot has unexpected consequences when her hot, but nerdy, boss invites her to model for him.

Owner, artist and lead developer of Brecken Games, Rory Brecken, has a strict no fraternizing with employees rule. However, when he overhears Tristan’s conversation with her friend about his rumored kinks and begins to suspect her curiosity about the submissive side of sex, he’s more than a little tempted. When her interest is undeniably confirmed, he suggests a onetime only, colleagues-with-benefits hook-up.

Though neither want a relationship, once isn’t enough for either one of them. As their encounters become more intense, Rory makes a huge mistake that may cost him the woman he’s coming to love.

Amazon • Barnes & Noble • All Romance Ebooks • iBooks

Drawn That Way  is the second book in the  Bound series, which Bronwyn is writing with Jessica Jarman. It can be read as a stand alone, though I heartily recommend Jarman’s  London Bound , as well.

Read on for an excerpt of Drawn That Way.

 The imprint of Rory’s hands had been seared into Tris’ shoulders. She swore she could still feel his touch as she pushed up on her elbows and stared at him. What had been an easy camaraderie moments before seemed to vanish into thin air. He glanced at her, then away, as if he were uncomfortable again. Of course, that may have been because she’d been lying there wanting him to kiss her, and it had been painfully obvious. That was more than enough to make someone pull back. She was an idiot. She’d let her libido get away from her and imagined an attraction where there was none.

He extended his hand toward her, and she took it, letting him pull her up off the mat with a surprising amount of strength. Releasing her, he walked to the camera, turned it off and removed it from the tripod.

“You’re really good at this,” he tossed over his shoulder as she picked up their swords from the mat. “Any chance you’d be willing to come in and do it again? I have a feeling we could get a lot of usable footage.”

“Yeah. I could definitely do that.”

“I’d pay you, of course.”

She shrugged. “You don’t have to. This was a better workout than going to the gym. And a lot more fun.” Granted, she wouldn’t mind the money, but she’d feel guilty getting paid for something she’d do for free.

He shook his head, frowning slightly. “I’d feel better about paying you.”

That’s right, Tris. This is a business arrangement. Nothing more. Pack up your stern professor fantasies and take them home to the shower where they belong. Idiot.

“So, can I get copies of the video and the pictures? I’d love to see everything.”

“Sure. Just give me a second.”

Rory left the room, and she grabbed her bottle of water and downed the rest of it before beginning to pick up the weapons they’d used for the shoot.

“What’s your password?” he asked, setting a laptop on his tall drafting table.

“The Doctor’s Companion. All one word. Capital T, capital D, apostrophe S, and capital C.”

Rory snorted and typed it in as she turned around. “I’ll just upload the files from the SD card so you can have a copy, too.”

He typed it in on her keyboard.

On her laptop.

Her laptop that he’d just grabbed from her office.

Where she’d been looking at, well, basically porn, when he’d walked in earlier.

“Close the lid. Close it,” she practically screeched, crossing the room to do it herself.

His eyebrows drew together, and he stared at her, his expression quizzical. Then, he slowly turned his head back toward her screen. She could see the flickering image of the .GIF reflected in the lenses of his glasses. Even without looking at the computer, she knew what he was seeing.

She must have watched that image cycle through twenty-seven times before he’d entered her office earlier. A man stood behind a woman and slid his hand over her chest to gently wrap his long fingers around her neck as he yanked down the cup of her bra with his other hand, baring her breast. Her nipple hardened right before the .GIF repeated itself in an endless loop.

Scorching heat rushed to her face, and she closed her eyes. If there were any justice in the world, the floor would open and swallow her whole. Or there would be a tsunami on Lake Michigan, and it would drown her. “Just so you know, I wasn’t looking at…that site…on company time. I didn’t open it until after five.”

The man’s hands had reminded her of Rory’s. It was part of the reason she’d watched it over and over. That and the stupid conversation she’d had with Clover.

“I believe you,” he said, somewhat distractedly, clicking the buttons on her touch pad. “You’re not one to slack off at work.”

She forced open her eyes, only to discover that he’d moved from her dashboard to her actual blog where she’d reposted all of the images that had turned her on and was scrolling through them. All of the images that made her want more than the boring, safe sex she always ended up with. All of the images that were currently revealing her desperate needs to her boss.

“At least, I know my instincts about you weren’t wrong.”

“What are you on about?” She didn’t actually want to know, but the words were already out of her mouth, and it was impossible to call them back.

He turned to face her. “Earlier today, when you and Clover were discussing my sex life in the break room—”

She dropped her head back to stare at the ceiling. “You heard that.”

“From the phrase, ‘one tall blonde with’ I believe it was, ‘ginormous tits after another’ until you noticed me.”

“Fabulous.” Where the hell was that tsunami when she needed it?

“It piqued my interest—”

“Of course, it did.”

“So, I waited a moment before entering the room.”

Tris put her hands on her cheeks, surprised her face hadn’t melted off like that guy’s in Raiders of the Lost Ark. This was, by far, the most humiliating moment of her entire life.

“You waited and heard us gossiping about you like a couple schoolgirls in the bathroom between classes.”

“I would hope schoolgirls aren’t discussing kinky sex.”

She couldn’t stifle the laugh that bubbled up. “You’d be surprised.” She sighed. “I’m sorry. I owe you a huge apology.”

“For having porn on your computer?” He sounded…amused.

Was he laughing at her? At this cocked up situation? She opened her eyes and met his gaze. His eyes seemed a brighter blue as he stared at her.

“No,” she said, flatly. “For discussing your personal life when it’s clearly none of our business.”

He shrugged. “If it makes you feel any better, your responses to the rumors gave me a fair amount of insight into you, and this,” he said, nodding at her laptop as he scrolled through a few bondage shots, “confirms it.”

“Confirms what?”

“That you’re turned on by the thought of kinky sex and, possibly, even rough sex.”

She opened her mouth, but there was nothing to deny.

Pet Peeves

There’s a thread in the Trout Nation Forums called “Things you can’t justify being annoyed by,” and when I read it, I felt like I had come home. I get annoyed by so many things that I cannot justify in any way, including but not limited to:

People thinking a food is spicy when I do not think it is spicy
When people ask for prayers on Facebook and don’t elaborate what people are supposed to be praying for
Those photoshopped book ads where someone puts their cover into a picture of a billboard or a bus stop ad to make it look like they actually purchased major advertising and their book is a really big deal

so it was gratifying to read that other people have the same weird feelings about weird things that they can’t explain. But I also have three pet peeves that I feel like I can justify, and I would like to bitch about them now.

The cat double standard. In my life, I have lived in houses with cats more than I have not. Growing up, I had a cat named Panther. When I was high school, we got a second cat named Sherbert. My first live-in boyfriend and I had a cat named Jupiter. A roommate had a cat named Gabrielle. When we met, Mr. Jen had a cat called Smudge, who ate shoelaces out of your shoes and humped everything. And in 2006, I got a kitten I named Her Majesty. So this is a lot of cats, right? A pretty good sample size. All of these cats? Every single one of them? Peed on stuff.

This is the point where I’m sure some of you are going to rush to the comments and say, “My cat has never peed outside of the litterbox!” And I am going to tell you: you’re either lying to protect your a-hole cat, or you just haven’t found the spot your a-hole cat is peeing in yet.

Her Majesty is possibly the worst offender. No matter how clean her litter boxes are–litter boxes, plural, for one cat, in an attempt to correct this issue–she will pee on something. Piece of paper gets dropped on the floor? Better pee on it. Did Mr. Jen leave his work shoes poking just outside the cubby? Buy new shoes, dickhead. Jenny, I noticed you’re doing laundry! While you’re standing literally three feet away, I’ll just squat here in front of the washing machine and pee.

This is the point where I’m sure some of you are going to rush to the comments and say, “If your cat is peeing outside of the litterbox, it means she’s sick!” And I am going to tell you: this cat has been checked for numerous conditions, numerous times, by three different vets. This cat? Is not sick. This cat is an a-hole.

So, back in the day, I stupidly, stupidly turned to people on the internet for help. I joined a forum in which cat owners traded stories and concerns about their cats. There were videos posted of cats grieving for their canine companions who’d passed on, or cats greeting service members returning from deployment. People were telling stories that proved how human cats really are, how they think and feel as complexly as we do, and that, without any doubt, cats were capable of love and devotion to human companions on a scale far greater than any love the universe has ever known.

But the second you say, “My a-hole cat is peeing on stuff, how do I fix it?” suddenly cats have absolutely no emotions. “It’s just an animal! Cats don’t have feelings the way we do, they act on instinct alone! Get out of the dark ages, you cat-hating monster!”

Then I remembered that the internet has a very skewed ratio of dummies to sensible people, and called my friend Bronwyn Green, who at one time had nine cats or something totally berserk like that. And she said, “Sounds like Her Majesty is just an asshole.” But the point of this story is, for some reason people will ascribe human emotions to cats to make them seem like the most wonderful, perfect, easy to care for species in the entire pet kingdom, but are fully willing to paint them as wild idiots whose love of destroying human property with their foul urine is just an instinct nature gave them.

“You totally have to watch this show, even though you don’t like it!” I recommend shows all the time. I mean, I can’t hide that. This is my blog, you already know. But I feel like there is a distinct difference between telling someone that a show is cool and they should give it a shot (as people on Tumblr and Twitter often do for me, and which I appreciate!), and stopping just short of actual physical torture to get someone to like it.

No television show in the history of the medium has ever embodied this type of annoyance like Firefly. On the surface, I totally understand why people who knew me thought I would like it. It’s Joss Whedon. I love Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel and Toy Story. And I love Star Wars and Star Trek and Doctor Who, so this was obviously going to be a home run for me, right?

I didn’t like it. Maybe it was because I mistakenly watched Serenity first. It was on HBO or whatever, and I thought that was what people were telling me to watch, so I was like, “Sure, I’ve got a couple hours.” And while I had a good time watching the movie, it wasn’t OH MY GOD THE BEST MOVIE EVER. Then I found out that I’d basically watched the end of the story, and I was like, “Well, guess I don’t need to watch the entire series.”

Lots of people I knew disagreed with me, usually loudly and at parties. It would start out like, “Have you seen Firefly? You would love it.” Then I would say, “You know, I watched Serenity and I can see why people like it, but I’m just not into it.” And they would say, “But you watched it out of order! You have to start from the beginning!” Then I would go, “I don’t have to do anything, I’m a goddamn adult!” and take a swing at them, because like I said, this was usually happening at a party and I was still drinking back then.

Eventually, my brother-from-another-set-of-parents-entirely, Warnement, convinced me to watch the first episode. And you guys, it was soooooo boring. I think I suffered through like three episodes, all of which I found boring and offensive. Magical girl who needs constant male supervision to survive? Check. Joke at the expense of a person of color’s hair? Check. Mish-mash of cultures from Asia, but no Asian people anywhere? Check. I didn’t watch the rest of the series. Surely now that I’d watched some of it, I was off the hook, right?

No. I was not off the hook. I was not off the hook by a long shot. Now the conversations were going like, “Have you seen Firefly? You would love it.” And I’d be like, “You know, I watched some of it, and I just didn’t like it.” And they would be like, “Wait, you only watched some of it? Then how could you tell you didn’t like it?” I would then explain, “It’s boring, and I found some of the stuff pretty racist, colonialist, and misogynistic.” They would demand I elaborate on these points, then give me excuse after excuse as to why I was being too sensitive, why all of those problematic elements were okay, and why I really had to watch the entire show and Serenity all over again, because then I would get it. Then one or two other people in the vicinity would be like, “Are you guys talking about Firefly?” and the cycle would start all over again, until all the Firefly fans would veer off into quoting lines and singing about the man called Jane or something.

These occurrences have sharply declined now that Firefly isn’t shiny and new, and also I stopped going to parties. But it started up again a couple of years ago with Sherlock, a show whose popularity I cannot grasp on any level. I tried to watch it. A friend asked me where I was in the first season, and I was like, “Episode eight, I think.” She goes, “Jen, there are only three episodes in the first season,” and I realized that I was so bored while watching it, it literally had felt like an eight hour binge watch.

Men who take up too much space on airplanes. As I have previously mentioned, I recently travelled to Las Vegas, and since I live in Michigan, I had to get on a plane to go there. I hate flying. I used to think it was about crashing and dying, but for the most part, it’s about having to be around people. Many times, it’s about having to be around male people. On my flight home, the plane was full as fuck. They were asking people if they would take a later flight for three hundred dollars. And of course, nobody wanted to do that. Worse, everyone seemed to have one of those giant, wheeled carry-ons. The flight attendants at the gate asked for volunteers to check their rolling bags, which would be unloaded plane-side upon arrival. Basically, rather than sticking your carry-on in the overhead, they would stick it under the plane, and not charge you the $25.00 bag fee. And of course, nobody wanted to fucking do this.

It took almost an hour to complete the boarding process, because everybody was fighting for space in the overhead bins and we could physically not get on the plane. And the worst offender was a guy I can only describe as a “dude bro,” who had not only a fully expanded rolling carry-on that was clearly larger than the ones allowed in the cabin, but a giant backpack that protruded at least a foot from his back (I don’t know if this genius thought we were hiking to Michigan or what). And guess who refused to check either bag? Guess who also made a snide comment about the fact that a woman in front of him had a much smaller rolling bag she did not want to check?

On the flight to Las Vegas, I overheard a man grumble, “Great, I’ll probably end up next to some bitch who’s three hundred pounds,” to his traveling companion. Then this asshole sat with his leg fully in the aisle for the entire flight, and acted annoyed whenever anyone had to walk to the bathroom or the flight attendants had to bring the drink cart down the aisle.

A few years back, I made a torturous flight to New York next to a guy who set up an entire home office in our row. I was flying first class, so there was a lot of extra room, but the guy put down his tray table and got out his laptop and an accordion folder full of documents that he spread all over his lap. He spent the entire flight with his elbows in my personal space as he worked, and when the in-flight refreshments were served, he put his hot coffee on the corner of my tray table. Excuse me, dude? You didn’t ask if you could put that there, and if anyone is going to spill hot coffee in my lap, it’s going to be me.

Now, I’m not saying that a woman might not do the same thing, but seriously? Why do men take up so goddamn much space in the world? I know there has been a lot of derision over women’s vocal condemnation of “man-spreading” on public transportation, but it’s a symptom of a very real problem, and that problem is that a lot of men seem to truly believe they are entitled to as much space as they can fill, and everyone else just has to deal with it. I can’t imagine living my life that way, just walking around, blithely inconveniencing everyone because I’m simply not thinking of anyone but myself. I bumped into the arm of my own couch yesterday and said, “I’m sorry.” How do you just not care how your body is affecting other people?

So, there you have it. My three biggest pet peeves, which I can totally justify, unlike the spicy food thing, or the fact that I became irrationally angry at woman who repeatedly flip their hair in public. What are your totally justified pet peeves? Share in the comments, and hit the forums to share the annoyances you totally can’t explain.

Amazon Customer Service: An Interlude

Other true story: Every once and a while our Amazon Echo will randomly wake up and start playing “Uptown Girl.”

— Jenny Trout (@Jenny_Trout) April 8, 2015

@jenny_trout Maybe your Echo is just trying to put a little pep in your step? Either way, check here for tips: http://t.co/fZkwXoZHYF ^KR

— Amazon Help (@AmazonHelp) April 8, 2015

@AmazonHelp Oh, I don’t consider this a bug, I think it’s a feature. I’m not gonna fix it, LOL.

— Jenny Trout (@Jenny_Trout) April 8, 2015

@Jenny_Trout In that case, ♪♫♪♫♪♪ UPTOWN GIRL, She’s been living in her uptown world ♪♫♫♪♪♫♪ ^KW

— Amazon Help (@AmazonHelp) April 8, 2015

Don’t Do This, Ever: “Public Event Evaluation” edition

This weekend, I went to a great conference, The Novel Experience Event in Las Vegas. It was run by Romance Ink, a not-for-profit company that organizes events for readers. I’ve been attending Romance Ink events since their very first conference, Authors After Dark, in Suffern, New York, in 2009. Since then, I’ve grown to love the authors and readers who return to Authors After Dark every year. I’ve also become friends with the conference organizer, Stella Price, and the staff who work for the company. The reason I’m telling you all of this is in the interest of disclosure, because I know I may be accused of bias after I write this.

I’m not going to name names and call people out. I’m too tired for that kind of thing these days (further post to that effect to come). But there is a lot of misinformation circulating about what happened at The Novel Experience Event over the weekend, and I feel some grievous breaches of protocol were made.

One of the features of this conference was a book fair from 10:00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M. on the mezzanine level of the Planet Hollywood Hotel and Casino. The figure I heard (but didn’t confirm, because who has time at these things?) was that at least one-hundred and twenty-five authors were scheduled to sign. Some authors sold out their entire stock. Some didn’t sell anything at all. Some carried books in (brought their own books and handled their own sales), and some worked with a bookseller. One author, who did not sell at a rate she deemed acceptable, decided to complain about the event half-way through. She posted pictures of the seemingly barren signing to her Facebook page, warning that there were no readers in attendance and that authors were packing up and leaving early. The post was made as a warning to authors who were considering attending Romance Ink events. Fair enough. I know that if I have a bad experience somewhere, I warn people away, be it a conference or a hotel or a restaurant. But there’s a time and a place for that kind of thing, and when you’re going to complain about a signing event that is currently taking place, that time is later.

Because what happened at that point was that the owner of another conference, arguably the largest event in the romance genre, reposted those pictures for her nearly 5,000 Facebook friends, readers and authors alike, to view. As a reader, if you saw someone post that an all day event was wrapping up well before it was over, would you bother to come out?

For many authors, the rest of the event that day was marred by messages from readers and authors asking, “Did you see this?” and “Is it still worth it to drive out there?” It spread like wildfire over Facebook, even as the signing continued. Other authors took their own photographs of the crowd to prove that the signing was still very much happening, hoping to counter the potential damage done. At least one of them shared those pictures with the aforementioned popular conference owner as a reply to her Facebook post, only to have her comment deleted. Any attempt made by any of us to suggest that we were still there, that authors were still signing books and that readers were still welcome to attend were removed, while comments disparaging Romance Ink and expressing sympathy for the authors involved were retained. It was almost as though the people who were reposting those photos wanted to discourage readers from attending. I sincerely hope that was not the purpose of these actions, and that it’s just my naturally suspicious nature that would cause me to doubt someone else’s good intentions.

Some commenters clutched their pearls, crying alligator tears for those of us who had been duped into sacrificing our holiday weekend with our families. To those who expressed those concerns, I say: we are not stupid. We know how to use calendars. We were aware that Easter and Passover fell over the weekend, and we chose to come anyway. I found it incredibly offensive to read comments expressing sadness for authors who were missing out on celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ or the deliverance of the Israelites (and there were several comments to those effects). Religious or not, the people at the event made a conscious and informed choice to be there, and that kind of comment is incredibly personal and intrusive.

But back to my original concern: if you are an author, there is nothing wrong with telling people, “this was my experience at this event, I would not do this again, I would encourage you to not do it,” but do it after it’s over. In this age of social media, word spreads extremely quickly, and what one author deemed “totally dead” actually became totally dead within an hour of her post spreading. I’m absolutely certain that was not her intent, but it did happen. And when you say a signing or event was a waste of time, your readers are seeing that, too. Readers who may have come out to see you, and sacrificed their time, only to be told that it didn’t count for anything. Authors and industry professionals generally agree on this, including agent Jennifer Laughran, who wrote about an experience with an ungrateful author in this post about successful signings. 

There are a few other incidents circulating on social media that I want to address as briefly as possible. One author was not allowed to sign after not following event policies that had been in place from the moment registration opened in November, 2014. Romance Ink does have very strict policies that are enforced across the board, the rationale being that if the staff is forced to make personal exceptions for every author, they will have limited attention to spend on making the event good for the readers who are the focus. Does it suck for the author who didn’t get to sign? Sure, and I totally understand their disappointment. But my take on this particular issue is that if a hundred and twenty-five people were able to follow instructions successfully, and only one did not, then the problem is not with the event or its policies. Others might view it differently.

There is also a rumor that Romance Ink and Stella Price are anti-LGBTQA+, because a convention director was asked to stop passing out materials promoting their LGBTQA+ author event. I actually laughed when I read the accusation, because the Authors After Dark conference has built a huge following of LGBTQA+ readers and authors, as well as readers and authors who are allies, who didn’t feel comfortable or welcome at other industry conferences. One year I was on three queer-focused panels. Three, in one year. And those weren’t even the only three of their kind. And authors who write any type of pairing are invited for panels that aren’t just LGBTQA+ focused; last year, I sat on a sports romance panel to talk about my baseball romances in the Hardball trilogy, which includes a M/M pairing and a polyamorous threesome, right alongside panelists who wrote straight pairings. Romance Ink’s Bookie Awards are one of the only non-queer-specific industry awards I can think of that both include categories for Best GLBT Novel and Best GLBT Short Story while also allowing LGBTQA+ romances to be nominated in all the other categories as well. This speaks volumes when you consider that about ten years ago, Romance Writers of America tried to redefine romance as being between one man and one woman in an effort to bar writers of queer and polyamorous romances from gaining published status in the organization.

The reason this person was asked to stop distributing her materials was because it’s a professional courtesy to not advertise your own event at another event without asking permission, and some authors felt uncomfortable being pitched to during the signing because of this. I know this is the case because I was present when the decision to speak to this promoter was made. Unlike several authors and industry professionals who are complaining about the event, I was actually there; 80% of the time I spent on the convention floor, I was in the company of staff members.

People who have attended an event are well within their right to express displeasure at how it was handled or at things they felt were done unprofessionally. But publicly denouncing an event that’s still going on doesn’t just hurt the event and its coordinators, it hurts the authors who are there, trying to have a good experience just like you were. Spreading misinformation about an event you weren’t present at and refusing to acknowledge contrasting accounts from the people who were? That’s not helping authors, either. Starting false rumors that a company that has always strongly supported LGBTQA+ authors and readers engaged in blatant homophobic discrimination? That’s especially vile, because many of us have forged our bonds with Romance Ink specifically because they embrace us as both authors and individuals.

I will continue to attend Romance Ink events, because I’m one of the many authors who have never had a negative experience with the staff or because of event policies. If you disagree and feel others should avoid this company, then by all means, exercise your right to express that. But the authors who had a positive experience at the event paid the same money and were in Las Vegas for the same reasons as the authors who were unhappy. They should not have been punished when the signing didn’t live up to the expectations of a very few.

Merlin Club S05E11 “The Drawing of The Dark” or “That motivation was so sudden, I got whiplash.”

Merlin club is a weekly feature in which Jessica Jarman, Bronwyn Green, and myself gather at 8pm EST to watch an episode of the amazing BBC series Merlin, starring Colin Morgan and literally nobody else I care about except Colin Morgan.

Okay, I lie. A lot of other really cool people are in it, too.

Anyway, we watch the show, we tweet to the hashtag #MerlinClub, and on Fridays we share our thoughts about the episode we watched earlier in the week.

Sorry about missing the post last Friday. With everything that was going on, I was just too exhausted.

So, here’s a quick rundown of episode eleven: Mordred runs into an old flame from his druid days, who later tries to kill Arthur. She is sentenced to death, natch, and Mordred gets pissed off when Arthur won’t just let the chick go (despite giving her several chances to repent). Also, he thinks Merlin blew the whistle on the girl, since he doesn’t make a secret of the fact that he hates Mordred. The girl gets executed, and Mordred immediately runs away to Morgana, and tells her that Merlin is Emrys.

If I had written this episode, I would have changed: Stuff way back at the beginning of the season. When the druid girl, Kara, shows up, it’s for the first time in the entire series, the last episode before the two-part finale. Why is she there? So that Mordred can become angry with Merlin and Arthur and switch sides. Mordred is unfailingly loyal to Arthur, and Kara is plainly manipulative of Mordred…so why does it work? Because Mordred has instantly fallen in love with her? Enough to betray Arthur?

If I had been in charge of season five, Mordred would have encountered Kara much earlier in the season, giving him a realistic timeline for falling in love with her, and a more believable reason for betraying Arthur.

The thing I loved most about this episode: I love Kara. This is not the general consensus in Merlin Club, but I have a lot of respect for this chick because she’s willing to die for her principles.

The thing I hated most about this episode: The aforementioned insta-love plot twist, but also the fact that everyone acts like treason is no big deal. Oh, Kara tried to murder the king? I’ll just go to Arthur’s chambers and explain, and he’ll obviously let her go. Oh, Arthur won’t just let her go? Since I don’t want Mordred to be evil, I’ll just go talk to Arthur and he’ll obviously let her go. Oh, this chick tried to kill me and has shown absolutely no remorse and in fact argued to my face that it was the right thing to do? I better give her one more chance to walk free.

I hate to say this, but maybe Arthur being just a teeeeeeny bit more like his father would make him a more effective ruler.

Something I never noticed before: Absolutely nothing in Camelot is consistent. I know it sounds weird that I’ve never noticed it before now, but one thing jumped out at me and I realized, oh, hey. Lots of times I’m complaining about inconsistencies. But the thing that set me off on this journey of discovery was when Arthur said the punishment for treason was hanging. In past episodes, hasn’t it been beheading? Just like when some of the time, the punishment for sorcery is beheading, but other times it’s burning, and when Uther is having his flashbacks and shit, it was drowning. Capital punishment in Camelot is wildly inconsistent in terms of method and application, and this just sprang open the lock on the pandora’s box of inconsistencies I’ve noticed that have blown out of my head.

Proof of some random headcanon I created: This is the most stupid one ever, but I like to imagine that at the end of the episode, when Morgana finds out that Merlin is Emrys, she does a Regina George style screaming freak out, then runs and puts Merlin in the Burn Book.

Favorite Costume: I’ve noticed that the druids tend to dress really well, in a rustic sort of way. I really like the belt-over-open-jacket-thing look Kara has going on. And the fact that she manages to rock manacles like an accessory.

What object would Bronwyn steal from this episode? Morgana’s throne room. If there’s one thing I know about Bron, it’s that she would pick the spooky, faded grandeur of a crumbling castle over the clean, well-lit and structurally sound castle of Camelot.

What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? When Merlin is all freaked out about what will happen if Mordred gets pissed off, he goes to Arthur and tells him to let the girl go or whatever. And he says, “You have to listen to me,” and even though Arthur dismisses him at the time, he doesn’t do his usual, shouty, I-don’t-have-to-listen-to-a-servant routine. And then does what Merlin asked him to by giving Kara a final chance to repent. It shows that Merlin isn’t just a servant to Arthur, which the audience has known all along, but which Arthur seems to only just be seeing.

Check out Jessica Jarman’s take on the episode here

Check out Bronwyn Green’s take on the episode here

 

The Big Damn Buffy Rewatch S02E15: “Phases”

In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will make a Sim of herself and a Sim of Rupert Giles and force them to be neighbors and fall in love and do woo-hoo. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.
Giles is totally in love with Buffy.
Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.
Willow’s magic is utterly useless (this one won’t be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)
Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.
The show isn’t as feminist as people claim.
All the monsters look like wieners.
If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.
Angel is a dick.
Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.
Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.
Some of this shit is racist as fuck.
Science and technology are not to be trusted.
Mental illness is stigmatized.
Only Willow can use a computer.
Buffy’s strength is flexible at the plot’s convenience.
Cheap laughs and desperate grabs at plot plausibility are made through Xenophobia.
Oz is the Anti-Xander
Spike is capable of love despite his lack of soul
Don’t freaking tell me the vampires don’t need to breathe because they’re constantly out of frickin’ breath.
The foreshadowing on this show is freaking amazing.
Smoking is evil.
Despite praise for its positive portrayal of non-straight sexualities, some of this shit is homophobic as fuck.

Have I missed any that were added in past recaps? Let me know in the comments.  Even though I might forget that you mentioned it.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they’re watching along with me, and that’s awesome, but I’ve seen the entire series already and I’ll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So… you know, take that under consideration, if you’re a person who can’t enjoy something if you know future details about it. 

I realize that I’m only in the middle of the second season and I have five more seasons to go, but I just heard of a dude who’s been recapping the Left Behind books for ELEVEN YEARS so I don’t feel bad about this at all.

I’m putting a content warning up because there’s a lot of talk about rape and sexual harassment in here.

The episode begins with Oz intently examining the cheerleading trophy that poor Amy’s mom is eternally trapped in. Willow comes up and they start talking in their stilted, quirky way about the date they recently went on. It gets awkward, so Willow sees Buffy and uses her as an excuse to run off, leaving Oz to deal with that Larry guy nobody likes. Larry is, as usual, in full-on sexual harassment mode, but Oz is gentleman, so he won’t kiss and tell when Larry asks how far he’s gotten with Willow.

He’s apparently not going to kiss, either, because after a cutaway set up worth of an Archer episode, Willow complains to Buffy that Oz hasn’t made a single move. Willow laments the fact that she’ll be the “only girl in school without a real boyfriend,” and that gives Buffy sad face, because, you know, her boyfriend turned evil.

Oh! That reminds me! A commenter on the previous recap pointed out that I missed the opportunity to use #1 in reference to Angel losing his soul to the nookie. I haven’t overlooked it, it’s just such a long, ongoing plot point that I wanted to save it to the end of that arc, so it wasn’t like beating a dead horse.

I’m also slowly amassing a collection of “1″ related .gifs for an explosive celebration of the anti-sex season two theme that will freeze the ever-living fuck out of your phone if you try to read it on there.

Willow instantly feels bad for her remark, and Buffy is very forgiving. That’s what I like about this show, and Buffy’s character in particular. She doesn’t get so wrapped up in her own misery that she can’t care about and feel happy for her friends. And they care about her, too. Even though Willow and Xander both have love interests, they’re going to get together to share Buffy’s heartache.

Willow: “Great, I’ll give Xander a call. What’s his number? 1-800-I’m-dating-a-skanky ho?”

Buffy: “Meow.”

Willow: “Really? Thanks. I’ve never gotten a meow before.”

Teen girls talk like this with their teen girl friends. I get that. But it’s such a bummer that I have to slap a #6 on here because of something that happened in a scene that only a moment before was showing a nice moment of supportive female friendship, free from insecure competition.

Speaking of insecurity, after Willow wonders aloud what Xander could possibly see in Cordelia, we cut to Cordelia and Xander making out in a car. Xander pulls away to fume about what Willow could possibly see in Oz, and the whole thing grosses me out. In the first place, Xander never wanted Willow or cared about guys being interested in her until he couldn’t have her anymore. The only way she has become attractive to him is because she’s no longer on standby for him (#5). In the second place, the cut to this scene juxtaposed with Willows remark about what Xander sees in Cordelia tells the audience that the only thing Xander is interested in with Cordelia is physical pleasure. And yeah, sure, that’s pretty much what we’ve seen from them on both sides so far, but it makes me mad that we can have Willow wanting to have an intimate physical relationship with her boyfriend in a positive, healthy way, and that’s good because it’s Willow, but Cordelia’s sexuality is a punchline, and the only positive angle of being in a relationship with her, apparently (#6).

And I feel bad for Cordelia, because as she points out to Xander, most of the time he spends with her, he’s talking about Willow or Buffy. So it does bother her:

Cordelia: “Look around. We’re in my daddy’s car. It’s just the two of us. There is a beautiful, big full moon outside tonight, it doesn’t get more romantic than this. So shut up!”

Then, because this is Sunnydale, they start to make out and the camera pans back and of course there’s a werewolf. Why wouldn’t there be a werewolf?

Here is a case of the kids, the actual Scoobies, falling prey to #8. You know you live in a town full of demons, vampires, and assorted shitty gross monsters. So why on earth would you think, “Hey, I’ve never heard any kind of campfire stories or urban legends about a guy and his gal up at make-out point meeting some kind of horrible, grisly end. Since our town is full of monsters, let’s drive into the woods and make out!”

But that’s what Xander and Cordelia have elected to do, and after the opening credits, everything goes exactly as you would expect such a scenario to go in Sunnydale. Xander hears something outside the car, and Cordelia, finally at her bullshit limit for the night, tells him that they’re leaving because he’s been so distracted by his Willow thoughts. But before she can turn on the car, the werewolf punches through the roof, she fumbles the keys, there’s screaming, but she eventually gets the thing turned on and they drive off, throwing the werewolf from the roof of the car in the process.

If I lived in Sunnydale, I would keep my keys on one of those springy plastic bracelets around my wrist.

The next day, Xander and Cordelia brief the rest of the Scoobies on their werewolf encounter. Giles tells them there were a lot of mutilated animal carcasses found the night before. While everyone kind of assumes they have until the next full moon to check this shit out, Willow points out that last night was the night before the full moon; the real full moon isn’t until tonight. This flies in the face of what Giles knows about werewolves, and he is psyched to do some researching.

Buffy: “Looks like Giles has some schoolin’ to do.”

Giles: “Yes, I must admit I’m intrigued. Werewolves–it’s one of the classics. I’m sure my books and I are in for a fascinating afternoon.”

Buffy: “He needs to get a pet.”

In gym class, the teacher warns the kids that Sunnydale is getting more and more dangerous, so she’s going to teach them some self defense maneuvers so they can protect themselves.

Buffy: “Here’s a suggestion: move away from the Hellmouth.”

Yes, Buffy. You are correct. Here we have the odd moment of a Sunnydale adult not engaging in #8, though she doesn’t bring wooden stakes into the equation and I just feel like vampires are such common knowledge that they should at least have an assembly explaining how to fight them off.

While they move into groups to practice their self-defense, Xander notices that Larry is wearing a bandage around his arm. Larry tells him that he was attacked by a big dog that jumped out of the bushes and bit him, and Oz says:

Oz: “I’ve been there man. My cousin Jordy just got his grown up teeth in. Does not like to be tickled.”

And he holds up his finger to show that he’s been bitten by Jordy.

Larry menaces a girl in his assigned group, so Buffy comes up and menaces him, until Willow reminds her, hey, you’re supposed to be a normal human girl who is unable to punch through Larry’s chest and rip out his still-beating heart.

Because the gym teacher has never met a teenage boy before, she lines up all the girls in front of the boys to teach the girls how to defend themselves if they’re attacked “from behind.” Buffy is paired with Larry, and tries to downplay her strength, struggling to flip him over her shoulder until Larry grabs her ass and says she’s turning him on. She slams him into the fucking ground. Good for Buffy.

I’m sure teenage girls go through this same kind of bullshit at school still, which pisses me off. I remember guys saying some pretty disgusting shit and getting away with it. I remember specifically when I was a freshman in high school, a kid in my math class would say the most disturbing sexual shit to me. “I want to rape you with that pencil,” is the one that sticks out most in my memory. And there was a girl in my class who was a junior who lost it over that remark. I was fourteen, just transferred to a new school where I didn’t know anyone and was painfully shy, so I tried to keep my head down and ignore this kid. Junior girl stood up and shouted, “The way Ben is talking to this girl is disgusting, and he needs to be thrown out of class before I kick his ass!” I bring this all up because in this scene, Larry is first making sexual threats to this mousy, timid girl before Buffy steps in, and now Buffy is paired up with him. And it just reminded me of that incident, and the way that girls will sometimes put themselves at risk to protect other girls from disgusting guys, and it starts as early as high school. And this whole thing has just brought up how shitty teen girls have it, because in school they’re forced to go everyday into this environment where they’re trapped with people who sexualize them, from administrators (your bra strap is showing!) to their fellow students, and there’s absolutely no recourse to escape it.

That’s a fucking bummer, and this show was tackling it back when I was in high school. And that makes me feel vindicated, but also sad, because why the fuck haven’t we learned anything after all this time?

In the library, Giles is lecturing the gang about what the moon does:

Giles: “And, uh, while there’s absolutely no scientific explanation for lunar effect on the human psyche, the phases of the moon do seem to exert a great deal of psychological influence. And the full moon seems to bring out our darkest qualities.”

Xander: “And ironically led to the invention of the moon pie.”

Giles. “Oh. Yes, moon pie.”

Giles thinks this joke is hilarious. While he laughs like a dork (an adorable, adorable dork), Buffy and Willow make these faces:

Giles explains that the werewolf is so powerful or something that it comes out for three nights, the full moon and the night on either side of it.

Giles: “And it acts on pure instinct. No conscience. Predatory and aggressive.”

Buffy: “In other words, your typical male.”

Xander: “On behalf of my gender, hey.”

Giles: “Yes, let’s not jump to any conclusions.”

Buffy: “I didn’t jump. I took a tiny step and there conclusions were.”

Yeah, Buffy, knocking down a “Not All Men” protest with awesome snarkery!

The werewolf could be anybody who’s been bitten by a werewolf, and they can’t use silver bullets to hunt it, because it’s a person and might not even know what they’re doing. Cut to Buffy and Giles at make-out point–no, this isn’t a fanfic–looking for the werewolf in the hopes of capturing it. Giles’s stellar plan is to knock on car windows and ask if anyone has seen anything, and Buffy is like, obviously not because everyone is making out and also I saw a guy cheating on his girlfriend.

As Buffy walks through the woods, she stops on a snare trigger and gets jerked into the air in a big net. I guess that’s considered a kind of dangerous stunt because of a potential for neck and back injuries, so good going, stunt!Buffy. A guy with a shotgun is standing like, three feet from her, ready to shoot. She shouts for Giles, and he confronts gun dude, who is like, I have the gun so I ask the questions or whatever. He lets Buffy out of the net and then things go straight to statutory land:

Gun dude: “I gotta say, I’m impressed.”

Giles: “Excuse me?”

Gun dude: “Well, it’s good to get the fruit while it’s fresh.”

Giles: “You’d be wise to take that back.”

Gun dude: “Hey, what a man and a girl do at lover’s lane at night is nobody’s–”

And then Giles lunges at him, and Buffy has to hold him back.

Gun dude is a professional werewolf hunter. He doesn’t give a shit if they’re people, he hunts them down and sells their pelts on the black market. He also tells them that werewolves are going to be drawn to places where there’s a lot of sexual energy.

Hey, werewolves are drawn to sexual energy…I bet they get a shitload of werewolves at creepy child abuse sex house from season four.

But let’s back up for a minute. I’ve noted before that Buffy spends a lot of time with Giles, and there are adults who know about it. She spends late nights in the library with him, sometimes doing aerobics. Nobody in Sunnydale seems bothered by what, to those who don’t know the Slayer situation, would appear to be an inappropriately close relationship between a grown man who is the school librarian and a teen girl who is a student. UNTIL WEREWOLF HUNTER MAN SHOWS UP. It takes somebody coming in from outside of the town to point out that the dynamic looks suspicious, backing up my assertion of #8.

Somewhere else in Sunnydale, a girl is walking down the street when a werewolf jumps out and attacks her. JUST KIDDING! It’s Angelus. He jumps out and acts super nice to her, offering to walk her home. So everything is going to go just fine for her, you’ll see.

At the Bronze, Willow and Cordelia are sitting on a couch, having a surprisingly supportive conversation about dating Xander and Oz. And then the werewolf attacks them.

The werewolf that is draw to sexual heat.

Attacks Willow and Cordelia.

OMG YOU GUYS FEMSLASH ALL THE FEMSLASH!

(Yes, I know why the werewolf attacked them specifically. Just let me have my dreams).

Buffy and Giles arrive as the Bronze is emptied of screaming people. Buffy fights the werewolf and gets a chain around its neck, but it gets away, anyway.

Well… actually, it just kind of strolls away:

Makin’ my way downtown/walkin’ fast/faces passin’/I’m homebound

The werewolf follows a blood trail where he finds–OH! Now I recognize her! It’s the girl from gym class! Theresa? Or something? The one who was afraid of Larry the Bully. I totally missed this literally every single time I’ve watched this episode. I thought I knew everything about Buffy. I was wrong. I was so, so wrong.

Anyway, she’s dead now. Angel kind of looms over her dead body, growling at the werewolf, and they have an animal contest until Angel recedes into the shadows. I don’t know what it’s all about, because her blood is all over the ground, and Angel dropped her so I assume he was finished with her. So why do the alpha male posturing over a dead body you can’t use anymore?

Buffy finds Giles sleeping in his car in the woods, which is super safe when there’s a rampaging werewolf. They hear about Theresa’s death on the car radio–what the fuck, how did I miss that for years?–and Giles promises they’ll find the werewolf. They have a whole night still.

Meanwhile, after sun-up, the werewolf shifts back into human form with all the small screen magic the 1990′s can provide. It’s Oz, who wakes up naked in the woods, and has the most chill reaction to being a werewolf anyone has ever had:

Oz: “Huh.”

Back at home, Oz gives his aunt a call:

Oz: “Aunt Maureen, hey, it’s me. Um, what? Oh, it’s, uh, actually it’s healing okay. That’s pretty much the reason I called. Um, I wanted to ask you something. Is Jordy a werewolf? …uh-huh. …And how long has that been going on?”

So Oz has been turned into a werewolf in the most ridiculous way possible: he was bitten by a child werewolf.

At school the next day, Oz is visibly freaked out. Which is odd for him. He goes to the library, where he hears Buffy lamenting the fact that she didn’t kill the werewolf when she had the chance. Oz asks if anyone was bitten or scratched, and they’re like, nah, oh but BTdubs, Theresa’s dead. Buffy talks a tough game about how she’s going to murder the werewolf, but Oz hadn’t realized there’s still one more night to go.

Xander tells them that he’s the expert on werewolves, because he remembers exactly what it was like to be a hyena. And Buffy reminds him that he said he didn’t remember, which Xander laughs off. So…ha ha, remember when I said I didn’t remember trying to rape you, and I’ve been living my life in a blissful cone of not feeling guilty at all, while you have to remember every single time you see me that I, you know, tried to rape you? And of course it’s played for laughs, because there’s nothing funnier than a Nice Guy getting away with his shitty behavior without any consequences (#6, #5).

But as Xander rambles on about how he understands the predator instinct, he remembers that Larry had a dog bite, and he’s also a huge dick, so he must be the werewolf. Buffy remembers how he threatened Theresa–seriously? How was she this big a part of this episode and I couldn’t remember her?–and assumes that links him the werewolf murder. Oz half-heartedly tries to defend Larry, but he can’t do much without outing himself as the werewolf, especially after Willow points out that Oz knew Theresa, too. When Willow suggests Oz can hang out and do research with her, he turns her down, and she’s perplexed and a little hurt looking.

In the men’s room, Xander confronts Larry. He tells him he knows his secret, and Larry is about to bash him good when Xander tells him that he knows what Larry is going through and he wants to help.

Larry: “Look, if this gets out, it’s over for me. I mean, forget about playing football. They’ll run me out of this town. I mean, come on, how are people going to look at me after they find out I’m gay?”

The punchline of this scene is that now Larry thinks Xander is gay, and of course Xander isn’t gay and isn’t it funny how uncomfortable Xander is with the idea of someone thinking he’s gay ha ha, #23: Despite praise for its positive portrayal of non-straight sexualities, some of this shit is homophobic as fuck.

Back at the library, Willow is still trying to find out who the werewolf is, and the only suspect she can come up with is a student with a history of violent incidents and disciplinary actions, but they both already know that Buffy isn’t a werewolf, so they have to keep looking. Willow is trying to understand why Oz acted so distant from her. The thing is, they know that Oz knew a student who died. Why isn’t that reason enough for him to want to be alone for a little while?

Willow goes off to help Cordelia with her homework, and Xander notes how odd it is that the two of them are hanging out together and how scary he finds it. Shut up, Xander. Buffy ask him if he found out if Larry is the werewolf, but Xander is super defensive, because again, the joke is that Xander is uncomfortable with homosexuality.

I read somewhere once that Joss wasn’t sure if Xander or Willow would come out as gay during the show’s run. I contend that neither of them should have, nor should Buffy have been described as a lesbian in the comics. They should have come out as bisexual. But god forbid we upset the homosexual/heterosexual binary when we can instead ignore canon relationships in which characters desired sexual relations with members of a different gender.

Anyway, since I read about that, I wondered if this wasn’t supposed to be foreshadowing, and suddenly, ha ha, Xander is boning Spike in season four (you know that would have been awesome). Xander does eventually seem to grow out of his “ew, boys!” phase in that season, but right now it’s getting on my last nerve, because “Guy who acts like he loves girls and is super tough but is actually gay” was played for so much comedic effect in the 90′s that my jaw aches from clenching. (23)

Anyway. Buffy is blaming herself for letting Theresa get killed, then she realizes that the news stories never said she was mauled. Sure enough, when Buffy and Xander visit Theresa at the funeral home, she’s a vampire. She tells Buffy:

Theresa: “Angel sends his love.”

and Xander kills Theresa in the scene from the opening credits. He comforts Buffy, reminding her that Angel isn’t the same person she knew, and they have a charged moment where it seems like they’re going to kiss, but they don’t.

It’s after dark now, and hunter douche is in his van, making silver bullets. Ah, remember those simple days, when people were just using vans for nefarious purposes related to violence, and not to make meth? The moon is coming up, and Oz is at home trying on some shackles. Which, it seems like he should have figured out how they work before this late. Willow pounds on the door and barges in when he opens it. She’s mad, and she’s going to get it all out, until she sees Oz’s chains and shackles on the dining room table, and learns the horrifying truth:

Her boyfriend has horrible taste in Halloween costumes.

Willow runs away, while the hunter comes after Oz. In the library, Giles is just casually putting together a fucking huge rifle:

Like, he’s totally confident, and he’s doing it really fast. And obviously this is a skill he must have learned at Watcher school, but this is another case of Giles being able to do some weird, random thing, and nobody comments on it. Buffy comes up and instead of being like, “Holy shit, how are you so good at assembling and handling serious fucking rifles?” she’s like, “There was a vampire,” instead.

Back at the chase scene, Willow falls and is trapped between WereOz and a log. But WereOz doesn’t attack her. He waves his rubbery snout in the air, then runs off.

And now, a magic trick!

As they prepare to hunt, Giles has taken off his glasses.

Willow runs in and tells them that Oz is the werewolf, and when the camera angle changes, his glasses are suddenly back on:

Giles tries to roll out, and Willow grabs him and spins him around. Apparently she grabs him so hard that his glasses come off, because when the camera angle changes, no glasses:

Clark Kent:

Superman:

Willow is afraid that Giles is going to use that huge gun to kill Oz, but he assures her it’s just a tranquilizer. Actually, he says it’s enough tranquilizer to put out a small elephant, which shouldn’t be reassuring, considering the fact that Oz isn’t an elephant and too much tranquilizer has this nasty side effect of causing death.

Meanwhile, in the woods, hunter douche is so worried about spitting cliches, he delays his shot until Buffy kicks him aside. Buffy and the WereOz fight, and knock over Giles and Willow. Willow manages to grab the gun and shoot Oz, and hunter douche makes a comment about nobody in town being man enough to kill monsters. Then Buffy bends the barrel of the hunter’s gun because strength = man. (#6)

Willow asks if Oz is going to be okay, and Giles is like, he’ll be a little sore in the morning, and I think, gosh, what does he mean by that? Does he mean Oz is going to be sore because he was shot with a tranquilizer dart out of a high-powered rifle? Or because he got beat up by the Slayer? Or because Giles has been tranquilized before and knows the after-effects? It could reasonably be any of those, and I’m perplexed.

At school the next day, Xander is asking Buffy how he should react when he sees “him” again, knowing what he knows about him. Turns out, Xander is talking about Larry, not Oz. Because, you know. How do you possibly talk to a gay person? And of course, Larry comes down the stairs and assists a female student whose books have been cruelly smacked to the floor by another dude. Because for some reason, the media seems to have this obsession (and it was certainly worse in the 90′s) with making it seem like gay men are, by virtue of their homosexuality, incapable of misogyny and feel a strong kinship with and protectiveness for women. I’m not saying all gay men are awful to women, but I find that when it comes to cis men treating women like human garbage, the straight dudes aren’t the only ones throwing their hats into the ring.

Anyway, Larry comes over and offers Xander his heart-felt thanks for helping him come to terms with his sexuality in a two minute conversation (I mean, he doesn’t say that, it’s just what the scene is) and the show actually makes a pretty stunning choice here: Xander doesn’t out Larry. Buffy asks why he and Larry are acting so weird, and Xander could have easily said, “Because when I thought Larry was a werewolf, he was actually just gay, thank god.” But he doesn’t. He just gives her a nervous, jabbering response that might have put the pieces together for her if they weren’t more concerned about the fact that Oz is a werewolf. I think Xander might out Larry in a later episode, but I can’t remember and I’m leaning toward “he does not.” Let’s marvel that in the 90′s, this show knew the importance of not outing someone’s sexuality on their behalf. So, that’s good, but overall the Larry-is-gay story arc gets a #23.

Xander’s brief moment of sensitivity is erased when he suggests that of course Willow and Oz don’t have a future, because she’s destined to become werewolf chow or something. But Buffy shoots him down and tells him it’s not up to him what Willow chooses to do. We cut to Willow meeting Oz in in the courtyard, where she apologizes for shooting him, and he apologizes for almost eating her. He’s apparently practiced getting tied up by Giles in preparation for the next full moon (and that remark launched what I feel is the stupidest, most unfounded ship in the entire fandom, no apologies). Oz feels like he should stay away from Willow, so he doesn’t hurt her, but Willow isn’t having it:

Willow: “Well, I like you. You’re nice, and you’re funny, and you don’t smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf. But that’s not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I’m not much fun to be around, either.”

I’m so tempted to flag that as anti-feminist, because equating menstruation with becoming a rampaging violence machine every month is one of those bad jokes about how crazy and irrational women get when they have their period, but it’s a girl character self-referencing to make someone feel better, so I’m on the fence.

Willow gives Oz a kiss, and as she leaves, he watches her go and utters what I consider to be, if not the single most clunky line of the show, at least in the top three:

Oz: “A werewolf in love.”

Even Seth Green can’t pull it off, and it’s just the most bizarre and WTF? worthy line, like the writer didn’t know how to end the episode, so they just had Oz say some random thing. Like, was this the working title of the episode or something? I don’t get it. Seth Green is such a good actor, he could have conveyed that line without saying the badly written words.

So, here’s a thing I find comforting about this episode, even though I’ve never connected Theresa the attacked and vampirized student with Theresa in gym class, even though it is explicitly laid out for the viewer: the writers could have made Theresa Oz’s victim. They could have given him so much man pain, and a darker depth to his character. But they didn’t. They let the character go on from this episode without a body count, without killing someone he cared about. In fact, I don’t remember anyone Oz ever kills in werewolf form who wasn’t evil.

Overall, this is one of my favorite episodes. Werewolf Oz becomes such an integral part of the season and season three, so I’m glad he’s finally shown up.

Jenny Tries Scottish Candy

I was going to save this post for Monday, but whatever. I felt like what the world needs today is more people ruining their teeth.

Much thanks to Scarlett Parrish for the envelope full of sugary doom!

Don’t Do This Ever: “Dear Ethics” edition

Recently, Jane Litte, of the super popular book review blog Dear Author, revealed that she’s not just a blogger, but Jen Frederick, a best-selling New Adult author with eight published novels and a movie deal to her name. Litte and her site get talked about, a lot. Some people love Dear Author and the community of readers who comment there. Some people hate the site, and Litte, due to various run-ins with the site and readership over the years. And some people, like me, go to the site to find out what books are free or on sale any given day, and occasionally read blog articles and either agree or disagree, but generally without “picking sides.”

Yes, we’re about to discuss drama happening in the book world that I have not “picked a side” on. I’ll give you a moment to recover from your shock.

My personal stance on the issue is that I’m happy for Jane Litte’s success and I’m a bit gleeful that a certain website now has to accept that she’s not a jealous hater born from the frustrated ashes of a thwarted literary career. I’m also one of the people who can see why her ethics have come into question, and that it’s possible to do that questioning without it being a matter of a personal vendetta or an attempt to sabotage an author’s career.

Reviews written by authors on the Dear Author site are usually labelled with a disclaimer stating that the person writing the review is an author. Now, clearly I have no problem reviewing the works of other authors. Look around the blog you’re reading right now. I don’t believe that the moment you become an author, you lose all right to criticize and become obligated to unquestioningly support other authors. But a situation like this falls into an ethical sore spot. This wasn’t an author reviewing books, this was an author pretending to not be an author while reviewing those books. There might not seem like much of a difference, but there is, and people are right to question it, especially in the wake of allegations that Litte didn’t just keep mum about her author identity, but actively represented herself to the book blogging community as a wholly separate person.

As an author who reviews–and let’s be honest, my reviews are impossibly long, incredibly detailed, and usually blisteringly harsh–I’m aware that my blogging absolutely has an effect on my career and readership. There are consequences for everything you write as an author/blogger, and you accept those bad things with all the good things. But Litte tried to keep the views she expressed as a reader from impacting her writing career, and I feel like that’s poor form. I’m not saying that authors have to tell readers all their deepest, darkest secrets, but if there’s a conflict of interest in something they’re doing (for example, an author reviewing books in her own genre without disclosing that she is an author, or that author’s books showing up in deal and recommendation posts on her blog, as happened at Dear Author), then they should be upfront about that.

So, people have a right to be upset about this news. Yes, there are people who dislike Litte on a personal level, and their criticism of the situation is worded strongly. But that doesn’t make their criticism less valid just because it isn’t couched in careful language. There are some who now seek to defend Litte by accusing those asking questions of having a vendetta against her, creating a “Be Nice” quagmire in which anyone who isn’t thrilled about the news is a hater or a troll. As author Olivia Waite wrote, “I AM angry that I’m expected to be uncritically happy about this news, though, if I want to be seen as nice.” 

Did Jane Litte go about conducting her dual careers in an unethical way? I agree with those who are saying yes. Does that mean I hate her, have harbored a long-time grudge against her, and will stop at nothing to destroy her and everything Dear Author stands for? No, and I actually like Jane Litte based on the occasional interaction I’ve had with her, despite disagreements I’ve had with some views expressed on her site. Am I happy that Dear Author isn’t going away, and that Jen Frederick is enjoying the success of bestselling books and a movie deal? Sure, why not be happy for an author who’s succeeding? It’s entirely possible to be happy that a good thing has happened for another author without supporting every single thing they’ve said or done, and it’s also possible to be happy that Dear Author isn’t shutting down while simultaneously recognizing that the site must now implement and adhere to new policies in order to operate in good faith with its readership.

The “us vs. them” mentality that has sprung up around this incident is disheartening, because this isn’t an “us vs. them” situation. It’s a clear case of an author/blogger making unethical choices. Yes, even if she didn’t intend for it to happen this way. Yes, even if she didn’t review her book on her blog.  And no, the criticism she is receiving isn’t invalid because some of it is coming from people who don’t care for her on a personal level. These criticisms aren’t going to destroy Jen Frederick’s career, nor are they intended for that purpose.

As a post script, for those who are saying they now feel cheated for having supported the DA Legal Defense Fund: I have no patience for you. You donated money because a blogger was being slapped with a groundless libel lawsuit by a publisher who was angry that their bad business practices were brought to light. You donated money because you objected to the actions of Ellora’s Cave, not because you thought Jane Litte wasn’t an author or her bank account balance was smaller than you estimated. You donated that money to send a message to Ellora’s Cave and any other publisher in the future who thinks they can silence voices in the romance community with threats of litigation. Jane Litte being an author doesn’t change the impact of that lawsuit, so why should you now feel that you’ve been tricked? The underlying issue has not changed.

The takeaway from all of this is that readers (and fellow authors) want transparency. Authors want to know that if we submit a book for a review request, we’re going to get a fair review, and not one that’s influenced by the fact that we’re in competition with an author or their publisher. Readers want to know that the reviews they’re reading aren’t influenced by those same factors. Bloggers and readers both want to know that books they’re purchasing or accepting for review aren’t written by someone they have a negative opinion about and don’t feel comfortable promoting or financially supporting. And they certainly have a right to feel hurt or betrayed when an author whose online presence they’re following and engaging with turns out to be a different person entirely. So when it comes to secret author identities, think hard about what you should be disclosing. Seeing a conflict of interest and ignoring the implications until your success becomes too large to continue the dual life? Don’t do that, ever.