Abigail Barnette's Blog, page 101

The Story of Samantha

When I was a little girl, there was only one thing I wanted in the entire world:

Of course, there was no way anyone in my family was buying me this little money sucker. Because after you got the doll, you had to buy her books. And her other clothes. And her furniture. And clothes for me to dress just like her. And the cardboard box we would be living in under a bridge once we’d spent all our money on this goddamn doll.

Late last year, when money from The Boss started rolling in, I was like, “I’m totally going to buy myself Samantha for Christmas!” I went to the website, only to find that Samantha had been discontinued. I couldn’t get my Samantha. She was just gone. And prices for her on eBay? Ridiculous.

Last Thursday, I was in Copper Harbor, MI. There’s a little candy store on the main drag. I don’t know if it has a name, the sign out front just says “candy store.” I love going there, because they play music from the ’50s and the whole place is decorated with old toys and there is so much candy. Here is me, in the store, before the greatest thing in my entire life happened:

My purse wasn’t open because I was shoplifting, I swear to god. It’s just open because I got my phone out for this picture.

Anyway, after I got this picture, I immediately turned to my left and saw her. There was Samantha, in her Christmas dress (my favorite of all her dresses), sitting on a little chair on the floor below a display of M&M’s.

I freaked out. I ran over and immediately hugged her. I rank this moment as one of my top ten best feelings ever. I had never even touched an American Girl doll before, so here I was, shamelessly hugging this random doll being used for decoration in a store. I realized it was a little silly, so I put her down and continued with my shopping.

Then a thought occurred to me. A hope I daren’t hope. A dream I might never realize.

I went to the counter with my purchases and asked the owner if she would consider selling me the doll. “I won’t be offended if you say no, but I would hate myself if I left without asking. I wanted her so much as a kid, and we just didn’t have the money.”

She asked me to show her which doll I was talking about. I was thinking it must have belonged to one of her kids or something, and she wouldn’t be able to part with it out of sentimental value. I reasoned that I could always buy another American Girl and live with my disappointment. But this was Samantha.

She picked it up, looked at it, and said, “It’s yours.”

I will never be able to duplicate the noise I made as I said thank you. I had tears in my eyes. “How much do you want for her?” I had four hundred dollars in cash in my wallet and I would have forked it over gladly and spent the rest of my vacation eating beans.

“No, you can just have it,” she said. “It’s worth more to make somebody happy.”

This woman got so many hugs, let me tell you. Samantha filled this weird, doll-shaped hole in my childhood. Some of you are probably thinking, “Oh, that’s your childhood trauma? First world problems.” Believe me, I recognize that if the greatest tragedy of my life was “I didn’t get an American Girl doll,” I have had it really easy. But nobody can control their emotions or what affects them how. My childhood self had a need that the awesome candy store lady was able to fill, like some childhood toy disappointment guardian angel. And when she gave me that doll, I felt like she was giving it to eight-year-old Jenny.

On Thursday, I will share all the ways I annoyed my trip mates with Samantha for the rest of the time we were up there.

Fat Woman Wears Bikini in Public, Earth’s Orbit Unaffected

This is the first of what will be several writing retreat related posts this year, but I feel like this is the most important one:

 

That’s right. I fulfilled New Year’s resolution #4. I wore a bikini in public. While being fat. This is me at Hunter’s Point in Copper Harbor, standing in Lake Superior. I should point out that this is as “in the water” as I got for my entire trip; there was still ice in Superior as recently as two weeks ago, and since it was a balmy fifty degrees Fahrenheit outside, swimming was not an option.

 

This was a really fun resolution, because when I told people about it, it usually went like this:

Me: I’m going to wear a bikini this year!

Person: Oh, good for you! Are you doing Weight Watchers?

Me: No, I said I’m going to be wearing a bikini. I didn’t say I was dieting.

Person: *face melts off like the idea of my fatness in a two-piece is the equivalent of staring into the Arc of The Covenant.*

But you know what? I’m not displeased with the results. I look like a chubby pinup girl. The bathing suit is from Forever 21, if you’re looking for a similar one.

So, anybody out there with a not-so-perfect body wearing something daring this year? Email me your pics at jenny@jennytrout.com if you’re feeling brave, and I’ll put them on the blog!

Merlin Club S02E10: “Sweet Dreams” or “Blonde Princess #1″

Merlin club is a weekly feature in which Jessica Jarman, Bronwyn Green, and myself gather at 8pm EST to watch an episode of the amazing BBC series Merlin, starring Colin Morgan and literally nobody else I care about except Colin Morgan.

Okay, I lie. A lot of other really cool people are in it, too.

Anyway, we watch the show, we tweet to the hashtag #MerlinClub, and on Fridays we share our thoughts about the episode we watched earlier in the week.

So, here’s a quick rundown of episode eight: A bunch of different kings come to Camelot to negotiate a peace treaty or something, and one of them is not interested in peace with Camelot at all. So he has his super obnoxious jester dude ensorcel (why have I not used that word in these posts yet? It’s such a great word!) Arthur to make him fall in love with Princess Vivian, the daughter of a king who is way uptight about shit like guys liking his daughter. Vivian doesn’t like him, though, so she needs to be enchanted, too. Under the influence of the love spell, Arthur challenges Vivian’s father to a fight to the death. The only thing that will break the love spell is true love’s kiss or whatever, but Gwen is pissed because Arthur totally threw her over for Vivian in a really hurtful way. Merlin convinces her to kiss Arthur, breaking the spell, and Arthur ends up sparing Vivian’s dad’s life. All the kings leave, and everything goes back to normal, except wait…

If I had written this episode, I would have changed: The ending. Vivian leaves with her father, but she’s still under the influence of the love potion. Does it wear off? If the only way to fix it is true love’s kiss or whatever, how will she get out of the love spell? She won’t fall in love with anybody else. So, will she live the rest of her life in tortured longing because nobody thought to unmagic her? That’s horrible.

And let’s talk about annoying jester guy. Annoying jester guy is chained to his master’s horse and presumably dragged to death. And everybody is okay with this. Merlin is even smiling while the guy is jogging after the horse, like, “oh, what a wacky way to die.” There’s no justice against the king, but the jester who did that king’s bidding is going to die horribly? This is not a satisfying ending.

The thing I loved most about this episode: I love any episode where Arthur is under the influence of a spell, no matter what the spell is doing.

The thing I hated most about this episode: That Gwen apologized to Arthur at the end! She didn’t do anything wrong. Yeah, he was under a spell, so he wasn’t responsible for his actions, but that doesn’t mean the blame automatically shifts to her. I can’t for the life of me understand why she apologized for the hurt she had allegedly caused.

Something I never noticed before: A dude makes a butterfly appear from thin air in the middle of the great hall, and Uther thinks it’s so clever. Yet someone recovers from an illness too quickly for his liking and it’s all, “Sorcery!” This guy would flip his shit over a card trick. Why is he so okay with magic butterflies? This isn’t Beauxbatons.

Favorite Costume: None from this episode.

Here is proof of some random headcanon I created: None from this episode.

What object would Bronwyn steal from this episode? This week it isn’t actually a gag about Bronwyn taking Arthur home. See the doorway behind them, with the weird celtic knot looking lattice? Bronwyn would put one of those in her house in a heartbeat.

What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? Literally the entire thing; it is Merlin trying to make Arthur un-fall-in-love-with someone, after all.

Check out Jessica Jarman’s take on the episode here

Check out Bronwyn Green’s take on the episode here

That’s it for this week. Join us on Monday as we watch S02E10, “Sweet Dreams” at 8pm EST on the hashtag #MerlinClub.

 

Trout…aitus? I can’t make that one work.

Hey everybody! This blog is going on hiatus until Monday, June 30th. A Merlin post is scheduled for tomorrow, but after that, nothing but the most deathly silence, like unto the kingdom of the dead. Any comments that go into moderation during my absence will stay there until I return, as foretold in the prophecy. Emails received during this time will also go unanswered, but that’s basically how it is with most of my emails until I get the “storage warning” message and answer everything in a blind panic.

So, behave while I’m gone, and I’ll see you on the 30th!

Wednesday Blogging: What I Would Buy If I Won A Million Dollars

If I won a million dollars, I would be shocked. Because I don’t play the lottery. Casinos? I’m there all day long. I mean, not actually. I’m just expressing general approval, I’m not seriously going to the casino every day and spending all day there.

I would if I could.

So, aside from the obvious, “I would blow it all at the casino,” what would I do if I won a million dollars? Nothing that would probably excite you. I mean, one you pay the taxes on a million dollars, you’re really only walking away with like $600,000, depending on what state you’re in. I’m not poo-pooing that kind of money, I’m just saying, a million is not what it used to be.

So, keeping that in mind, here are the five things I would buy if I won a million dollars, after taxes and after I tucked some away into my money market account and i bonds:

1. A 2014 Mazda 3 5-door. In “titanium flash.” I really want this car. I could probably afford this car right now, but I would feel too guilty buying it right now, because we’ve got a 2006 Chevy Trailblazer I’m hoping to get to 300,000 miles on. Also, I don’t drive, so it would be indulgent to have two cars for one driver, as befitting my new status as gross-but-not-net millionaire.

2. I would pay my rent for a whole year. This is just practical. It gives me somewhere to live while:

3. I would buy a fixer-upper outright and work on fixing it up while living in the rent-paid-off-for-the-year house. That gives us time to do things right and get everything just the way we like it, in a home we’ll have no mortgage on at the end.

4. A food dehydrator. I know these aren’t that expensive, but I’ve never gotten the nerve to buy one. It just seems extravagant to me.

5. Probably more cosplay stuff. The one area of my life where I’m not horribly cheap and awful is cosplay. I’d love to splurge on some really good custom props or costume pieces, or just a bunch of wigs and wig-building material so I can play around.

Now that I’ve written this all out, I realize how painfully boring a person I must be in real life. So, pretend you never read any of this, and go read all the interesting answers other people gave, instead:

Jessica Jarman • Bronwyn Green • Kris Norris • Leigh Jones • Gwendolyn Cease

 

Channel 3 Clubhouse

Thirty-ish years ago, I was on a local television station’s Saturday morning show. Watch the video for the full story, and to see how poised I was on camera at four-years-old.

Merlin Club S02E09 “The Lady of The Lake” or “I hate this one.”

Merlin club is a weekly feature in which Jessica Jarman, Bronwyn Green, and myself gather at 8pm EST to watch an episode of the amazing BBC series Merlin, starring Colin Morgan and literally nobody else I care about except Colin Morgan.

Okay, I lie. A lot of other really cool people are in it, too.

Anyway, we watch the show, we tweet to the hashtag #MerlinClub, and on Fridays we share our thoughts about the episode we watched earlier in the week.

So, here’s a quick rundown of episode eight: Merlin’s new girlfriend is a cat monster.

Merlin rescues a girl from a bounty hunter who’s looking to profit by selling magic people to Uther for execution. Only, this girl wasn’t born magic, she was cursed and now she’s a wereflyingpanther. In the course of keeping her safe, Merlin falls for her. So, as is the case with all supernatural adventure TV shoes, she dies, and Merlin gives her a viking funeral.

If I had written this episode, I would have changed: I just wouldn’t have made this episode. That’s how bad it is.

The thing I loved most about this episode: Nothing. I don’t like anything about this episode.

The thing I hated most about this episode: Everything. Everyone was out of character. Yeah, Arthur antagonizes Merlin often, but in this episode he’s downright abusive. Uther is largely unconcerned when the bounty hunter tells him that a dangerous, cursed druid is loose in Camelot. He even says, “Don’t worry,” at one point in the conversation. And Merlin completely forgets his destiny (or he just ignores it because Arthur is mean to him? That doesn’t seem like Merlin).

On top of that, the romance seemed rushed and unbelievable. And if Merlin feels all these romantic feelings toward this girl just because she’s magic and alone in the world because of it… you know, Morgana is right over there. Why didn’t the writers explore that possibility, and add to the depth of Morgana’s betrayal of Camelot later in the series?

Something I never noticed before: The music is quite different from other episodes. I also just noticed that all of Merlin’s spells are just mispronunciations of words that describe what the spell is doing. How did I miss that? This is like my third time watching the series or something. Maybe even fourth. How did I not get that?

Favorite Costume: None from this episode.

Here is proof of some random headcanon I created: None from this episode.

What object would Bronwyn steal from this episode? 

 

That lovely Celtic dragon shield in the corner there, obviously.

What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? I think any episode where Arthur and Merlin have angry altercations end, in Jess’s mind, in angry, Sam and Diane style sex. But since Merlin is supposed to be falling in love with this girl, I’m guessing this isn’t her favorite episode.

Check out Jessica Jarman’s take on the episode here

Check out Bronwyn Green’s take on the episode here

That’s it for this week. Join us on Monday as we watch S02E10, “Sweet Dreams” at 8pm EST on the hashtag #MerlinClub.

 

The Afflicted

The prologue and first chapter of The Afflicted are now available on Wattpad.

Jenny and DRock take a Doctor Who survey

For those of you who’ve been missing Roadhouse, DRock comes to visit TroutNation TV to answer Tumblr’s burning questions about Doctor Who with me, in part one of a very silly video we made.

Unfortunately, the theme music is super loud at the end, so be prepared to lower your volume at 7:15. And I misspelled “continued.” Because I am nothing if not professional.

Wednesday Blogging: Stuff I need so I can write.

Sometimes, I’ll read interviews with writers and they’ll be all, “Do you have a ritual? What do you need to get the creative juices flowing?” and the writer is like, “I need my Mont Blanc fountain pen and a glass of exquisite red wine and a Moleskein notebook beautifully collaged with inspirational photos that evoke the tone and mood of my characters and settings.” And I’m like, get the fuck over yourself, you sound like a total diva, and everybody knows you wear sweatpants and guzzle Diet Coke because we see your ass talking about it on the Twitter daily.

But other times, I’m like, what if everybody has a special ritual for writing? And I’m the only one who doesn’t? Because I am, as I have long suspected, not a real writer? Because I’m a fraud?

I really hope the other writers this week have similar answers to mine, or else I’ll look like an asshole. I also hope that none of them use Mont Blanc pens.

Here’s my totally boring and not at all original list of things I need:

Tunes. I make Spotify playlists for all the books I’m working on. I usually share these on Tumblr after the book comes out, but other times I share them in progress. Whatever, I’m easy. Anyway, the songs I add are sometimes songs with lyrics that remind me of plot points, some just reflect the tone of the story, and others are just like, “Hey, I heard this on the radio and I want to hear it several times a day.”

Here are the playlists for the projects I’m working on right now:

A Choice Fit For A Queen
The Ex
The Abysm of Time

Sometimes, though, I just sit with headphones on and pretend to not hear people.

My Pax. As frequent readers may be aware, I’m not the healthiest person in the world at the moment. I use marijuana to treat my fibromyalgia and epilepsy. I almost typed leprosy, I’m so glad I caught that. Not… caught leprosy. I’m just making everything worse. I’m glad I didn’t accidentally make you think I had a horrible disease. Or… yet another horrible disease. There. Better. Also, marijuana is fun and relaxing as hell, so bonus for me, because I live in a state that allows medical use of cannabis. This little gadget:

a Pax, a hand-held, rechargeable, portable vaporizer, and it’s my very best friend on days when I’m in a ton of pain (like I was when I took this picture). It’s easier on the lungs than smoke, and doesn’t get your office as smelly (although I do still smoke sometimes). The Pax is a freaking miracle for cannabis patients and the recreational consumer. You can read about it here: Pax by Ploom.

A large canning jar full of water. Not a Mason jar or a Ball jar. I mean those really big two quart fuckers. I drink a lot of water, and I don’t like to get up to go get more. “But don’t you have to get up to go to the bathroom?” Ha ha, puny mortal. My bladder is like a freaking parade balloon.

A way to bribe myself. I’m the least disciplined writer I know. I hear about people who write ten thousand words a day and I’m like, lucky if I get two thousand and a blog post in. I have to bargain with myself by doling out little treats: “When you get to a thousand words, you can spend a half hour drawing.” “If you get this blog post done today, you can take the night off to watch your shows.” But, as is my parenting style, I don’t enforce these conditions and reward myself anyway. This is also why I fail at dieting.

Those are the things I need. That’s about it.

You can find out if any of the other Wednesday bloggers aren’t speaking to me anymore because of my Mont Blanc comment, check out their posts here:

Jessica Jarman • Bronwyn Green • Kris Norris • Kellie St. James • Gwendolyn Cease