Abigail Barnette's Blog, page 99

I Am Not All About That Bass: Deconstructing The Summer’s Feel-Good, Body-Positive Hit

You’d know if you’d heard Meghan Trainor’s body acceptance anthem “All About That Bass” before. Because if you had, you’d still be hearing it right now in your head. Over. And over. And over.

Since we’ve got a lot of new visitors here lately, I’m going to restate the unofficial Trout Nation opinion* on liking problematic stuff: Just because we like something doesn’t mean it’s above reproach. We should practice turning a critical eye on the media we consume, as it gives us a chance to view our own thoughts through the lens of pop culture. This helps us learn about internalized prejudices we might otherwise have never realized we had.

(*I said “unofficial” because it’s nothing we’ve ever voted on. It just seems like a lot of people come here specifically for the dissection of pop culture. And we talk about it a lot. But we don’t have a democracy or anything. It’s a government of the people and one bewildered figurehead.)

Before we start taking this apart piece by piece, I want to warn you that the entire song is sung by a white girl using a faux African-American Vernacular accent that’s only about two levels below Iggy Azalea on the “There is no way you actually sound like that in real life”-o-meter.

So, let’s listen to this song and take a look at its accompanying video: 

This thing is catchy, the girl is adorable, the video is like John Waters’s Hairspray if it hadn’t been satire and Amber Von Tussel had been nice. It’s cute and I can see why a lot of people like it. But holy shit is it problematic! Jesus and wowza. Let’s ease into this with some trivial griping before we get on with the serious stuff.

“Because you know I’m all about that bass, ’bout that bass, no treble.”

But what you are singing? Your voice right now? That’s treble. A song that was only bass wouldn’t be a very interesting song. And unless you have a really impressive range that you’re not showing off on this particular composition, you’re going to have a hard time hacking it as a singer in a world that’s all bass and no treble.

So, the lyrics begin:

“Yeah it’s pretty clear, I ain’t no size two/ but I can shake it, shake it, like I’m supposed to do.”

So, she says it’s clear that she’s not a size two:

That’s her, the blond one in the middle.

Okay, so, yeah. Maybe not a size two. But not fat or “plus-size” by any means. Don’t let the unflattering dress trick your eye. This girl is not a fat girl. This whole concept of not-fat women believing they need to call attention to their not-fat bodies in order to promote body acceptance baffles me. I call this the “fatcceptable movement.” Notice I didn’t say “fat acceptance movement” or “body acceptance movement.” Both of those ideologies rally against the cultural standard of one perfect size at which an individual earns their humanity. The fatcceptable movement insists that there is only one type of “real” woman, and any outliers are less sexually desirable to heterosexual men, and therefore of less value.

In the fatcceptable zone, you’ll find women ranging from a US size eight to a US size fourteen talking about how big is beautiful, men don’t want sticks, real women have curves, etc. Lots of famous women have made bold statements about their size while living in the fatcceptable zone. Among them are Jennifer Lawrence,  Never Been Kissed-era Drew Barrymore, and Kate Winslet before she started looking like Barbie’s hot mom (that’s a compliment, by the way). These are all women who do not fall outside of the normal range of sexually attractive bodies, but who don’t get described as skinny and who are expected to answer questions about how they feel about their “curves.” Holding women like this up as “plus-size” is meant to spread  a message of body acceptance and positivity to women who aren’t the size two that Trainor throws out there, but who aren’t fat, either. To sum up, easy to digest anthems and slogans of this nature are meant to make women who think they’re fat feel good about the fat bodies they don’t have, while constantly reminding them that they should feel fat.

The lyric “but I can shake it shake it/like I’m supposed to do,” bothers me on two fronts. One, we were supposed to be shaking it this whole time? Why didn’t anyone tell me? Is this going to affect my grade? And two, people who’re a size two can’t shake it? What size is Shakira? Because she’s pretty little and she can definitely shake it.

“Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase/

And all the right junk in all the right places”

It’s in the right places, guys! Meghan Trainor is a fanfic Mary Sue. You heard it here first.

One of the main themes of this song is that women who are considered to be of average size are preferred by men. If this song is promoting body positivity, then why does it define a specific body type as being more desirable, and place all of a woman’s value on her fuckability to heterosexual men?

“I see the magazines workin’ that Photoshop/We know that shit ain’t real, C’mon now, make it stop/

If you got beauty beauty, just raise ‘em up/

Cause every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top”

This verse is what “All About That Bass” could have been. Look how perfect it is. It celebrates the body of every woman and encourages them to celebrate their beauty in turn. Granted, beauty is a subjective construct that women shouldn’t have to worry about in the first place, so there is a problematic ideology that’s still inherent in these lyrics. But let’s focus on how rare it is to hear this message in pop music in the first place.

Like I said, it’s what this song could have been, because after that we’re right back to:

“Yeah, my mama she told me don’t worry about your size/She says boys like a little more booty to hold at night”

Again, the message isn’t really, “I have value, even though I don’t fit the mold I’ve been told I should fit,” but, “I have value, in fact I have more value than some other women who don’t share my body type, because I’m the one a heterosexual man should be attracted to.” And I say should be, because the next few lines say exactly that:

“You know I won’t be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll/So if that’s what you’re into then go ahead and move along”

“If you’re not a heterosexual man willing to objectify me over other women, then HA HA! I am rejecting you first.”

At what point did “body positivity” become, or need to become, yet another method to police each other’s bodies? If a woman has breast implants, that somehow lowers her worth? This is just another way in which the fatcceptable movement tries to define who is and isn’t a “real” woman. Why is it that we don’t view breast implants as body modification on the same scale as piercings or tattoos? I have this crazy feeling that it has something to do with misogyny. Maybe because the primary objective of breast implants is to conform to a specific cultural standard? How is that different from piercing your septum?

I know how it’s different. Men pierce shit, too! Plastic surgery is viewed as a way for women to make themselves more sexually desirable to heterosexual men for as far into their lives as possible. Even reconstructive plastic surgery after breast cancer fulfills this role; when performed for the patient’s personal comfort, it’s still done to uphold the standard that all women must have breasts (well hello, transmisogyny!), which is what’s making that patient uncomfortable in the first place. To be clear, I’m not shaming anyone for having any elective cosmetic surgery for any reason, just defining our world view and cultural expectations of breasts in this context.

So, with that in mind, back to the fatcceptable stance on plastic surgery: even though we’re defining your worth as a woman solely by your appeal to men, if you do anything to try to make yourself more appealing, you’re a fake ass bitch and we hate you.

Now, onto the “stick figure” portion of the chorus. This is just another shot fired at women who have bodies that threaten the self-esteem of women who can only be content about their size if it’s hailed as the “perfect” shape. That’s really what’s at the base of any “eat a sandwich” or “stick insect” barb.

“I’m bringing booty back/Go ahead and tell them skinny bitches that/No I’m just playing I know you think you’re fat/but I’m here to tell ya every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top”

This verse perfectly incapsulates what is wrong with this song. What could be a positive message comes out as a backhanded compliment. Sure, every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top, but only grudgingly. You get to feel good about yourself, but only if women Meghan Trainor’s size get to feel better by mocking your appearance. And only if you share the same weight insecurities.

And come on. Saying what you really think, followed by “just kidding,” is the most passive aggressive move on the planet. “Just playing” is like “bless your heart”: it’s a chance for the speaker to say whatever they want while forcing the target of the insult to accept what’s being said in good humor.

Now, since we’re past all the verses, I want to talk about the video. There’s a theme here:

Did you guess the theme? Did you guess “black women as props?” Because that’s the theme. Of the four back-up dancers in the video, one is white. Trainor is shown flanked by two black women several times, including a scene where the women seem to be enthusiastically encouraging her dancing, a la Miley Cyrus’s infamous “We Can’t Stop” video. This isn’t done to encourage body acceptance or equality of any kind; it’s to show the audience that Trainor is cool. White people can’t dance, right? So if black people cheer on a white girl dancing, that lends her points, right? Because the video strikingly recalls Waters’s Hairspray, I can’t help but be reminded of the line, “Being invited places by colored people! It feels so hip!” We white people love to see ourselves getting approval from black people. We just don’t want our societal standing challenged, because that makes us deeply uncomfortable.

Looking at the two bottom images, let’s discuss the role of “booty” in this song. Booty outside of the pirate context has long been used to evoke the stereotypical image of a black woman with a large, round butt. This particular racial trope has been used by white people to objectify, fetishize, and sexualize black women by our media and our white supremacist culture, then white girls apply it to themselves in a positive context. When Trainor calls attention to the size of her butt and calls it a booty, we’re supposed to laud her as being body positive and a strong feminist, but  she can’t “bring booty back,” because it was never used to stereotype her to begin with.

The last picture is a perfect example of how society views the bodies of black women as available to all takers. In this scene, the white woman pictured grabs the black woman’s butt while she’s dancing. This reinforces not only the insidious cultural need of white people to control and sexualize black women’s bodies, but also the dangerous belief that the bodies of black women are on offer for anyone to sample, consent not required.

Sidebar, the fact that all of the above was going on, and the song was written in the style of 60′s pop music, a genre that was appropriated from black artists of the time and repackaged with white faces really drives home a truth that many white pop artists don’t want to admit: that white performers are only doing shallow imitations of black artists, and suppressing those black artists’ work in the hopes that no one will notice.

I know a lot of people are going to criticize me for deconstructing something that seems, on its surface, to be a positive, important statement, but as a fat woman, I’m no longer content for women who are not fat to define themselves as such to lend their defensiveness and unhappiness with their bodies credibility. As a feminist, I’m no longer content to watch women of color treated as props to further an appropriation of beauty standards that white women boast about and black women are oppressed by. If the core of your message devalues other women based on their physical appearance, you’re not promoting an ideal that helps women in the way you believe it does.

DRock and I have a new secret handshake.

We don’t actually care if you steal it. We were just riled.

Come hang out with me at Authors After Dark

Hey, are you in the southern United States? Are you not in the southern United States and want to travel there for a rad conference? This is going to interest your pants off.

Authors After Dark is a romance novel convention where the focus is the reader. The ratio of authors to readers is incredible. The parties are a riot. And the size of the conference is reasonable, so you’re not getting into an overwhelming, huge-scale con.

You can find more details here. This convention sells out every year, and people wait-list to get in, but this year, the organizers had some extra space and are throwing a five day sale! And, for the first time ever, they’re offering partial conference passes (there are no day passes available).

If you attend during*:                   Then your conference fee will be:

August 6 – 10                                           $175.00

August 7 – 10                                           $150.00

August 8 – 10                                           $100.00

August 9 – 10                                           $75.00

Now let’s talk about that *. Some terms and conditions apply. This offer is only available to attendees who reserve a single occupancy room for the nights they’re attending. Conference fee must be paid in cash when you register. To get the special conference rate (and for more information), you’ll need to contact blueflamesabove @ yahoo dot com. Offer expires August 1st, 2014.

This conference is truly special, and a great way for authors to connect with readers and readers to connect with authors. The parties are fun, and the atmosphere is like a slumber party. Once you go, you’ll want to go back every year.

I would love to see some Trout Nation friends there! If you’re attending, drop me a line and we’ll meet up!

 

Merlin Club S03E01-02, “The Tears of Uther Pendragon” or “Good, he deserves it.”

Merlin club is a weekly feature in which Jessica Jarman, Bronwyn Green, and myself gather at 8pm EST to watch an episode of the amazing BBC series Merlin, starring Colin Morgan and literally nobody else I care about except Colin Morgan.

Okay, I lie. A lot of other really cool people are in it, too.

Anyway, we watch the show, we tweet to the hashtag #MerlinClub, and on Fridays we share our thoughts about the episode we watched earlier in the week.

So, here’s a quick rundown of episodes one and two: Uther is sparing no expense, either money- or cost-of-life-wise to find Morgana. When Arthur brings her back, Morgana swears she’s seen the light, and she knows that her sister is evil. But she’s totally lying. She’s working with her sister Morgause to bring an end to Camelot. Morgause is teaming up with King Cenred, of a nearby kingdom, to attack Camelot from the outside, while Morgana undermines it from within. She uses a mandrake root spell to torture Uther with ghostly visions of his past, that I guess prey upon his conscience, even though I’m not sure that’s possible because then he’d have to have one. While Uther is out of commission in a king way, Arthur has to prepare for the oncoming siege. Merlin discovers Morgana is behind Uther’s madness, and he spends some time chained up in a pit full of scorpions. Good thing he’s a dragon lord, because he can make the dragon come save him and fly him safely back to Camelot. Cenred’s army is on the march. Morgana, fully aware that Merlin and Gaius know she’s evil, just doesn’t give a fuck anymore and raises an army of skeletons to comically, clumsily fight while Morgause and Cenred attack from without. Merlin beats Morgana, though, and her spell is fucked and the skeletons die and Cenred retreats. Also, Morgana totally sucks at killing people, as we discover in this story.

If I had written this episode, I would have changed: I would have maybe toned down the creepy Uther/Morgana incest vibe, which hits a feverish peak during these episodes. Yes, I realize that I ship half-sisters. But somehow, that’s less disgusting to me.

Also, Mr. Jen suggests no one be buried with their swords anymore, to prevent further skeleton uprisings, which do seem to be a common thing here in Camelot, now that I think about it.

The thing I loved most about this episode: It’s nice to see Morgause doing something effective for a change. That’s not me being bitchy, but it just seems like all of her other plans had some horrible flaw in them. This one was pretty solid, until Cenred acts like a scared little baby man. If he hadn’t retreated, Camelot would have fallen. It wasn’t Morgause’s fault that Cenred didn’t realize that he would lose soldiers.

The thing I hated most about this episode: I’m sorry, are we supposed to feel sorry for Uther? Because I think the whole “being haunted by your dead wife/the kids you murdered” thing could have gone on until he jumped off something tall, and I would have been fine with it.

Something I never noticed before:  I figured out why Morgana’s smirk pisses me off so much. It’s because she smirks even when she’s alone. What’s the point of the smirk? Smirk at someone you’re in cahoots with, or smirk to  really dig it in to Merlin that he can’t stop you. But when you’re alone, what’s the point of the smirk? It’s self-congratulatory, Morgana. Don’t do that.

Favorite Costume: Uther in armor. Pardon me, I seem to need a whole new couch. This one is absolutely soaked. Unfortunately, I coudn’t seem to get a good screen cap of this costume.

Here is proof of some random headcanon I created: Please excuse the twenty page thesis I’m about to write here.

At this point, the writers know that Uther is Morgana’s dad. So why does this happen?

 

Uther looks up from Leon being boring. This is what he sees:

Morgana walks to him, breathless, in her low cut gown:

 

Thrilled, Uther comes toward her…

 

 

And Morgana runs to him:

And they meet and embrace:

You know, like how fathers and daughters usually do, with romantic music and soft light filtering around them. And he also kisses her hands and gazes adoringly at her.

 

And he’s moved to tears, so she gently dries them.

And none of this could be interpreted in any other way than just a love a father has for his daughter, and a ward in a low-cut gown has for her guardian.

And this toast that Uther makes to Morgana:

Uther: “I would have searched the entire world, the seas, the skies, the stars, for that smile. To have it stolen from me was a like a blade to my heart. Morgana, there are no words. You mean more to me than you will ever know.”

Sure. That could have been something a father might say about his recently kidnapped-then-found-again daughter. Or it could be the start to a proposal.

As with everything else we’ve already seen between them, this is just super creepy. Everything about their relationship is creepy. I blame the writers, and I blame the directors who weren’t see this when the actors were in scenes together.

Of course, they might have seen and did it on purpose, as they seem to have done with the incesty vibes between Morgana and Morgause. But if it was planned from the get-go to throw us off the track, that’s disturbing and gross and so, so wrong. And this is coming from someone who doesn’t usually mind a generally incestish older man/younger woman dynamic. If it skeeves my out, you know it’s messed up.

What object would Bronwyn steal from this episode? 

Morgana’s staff. She will take anything that looks like it could be a part of a magic tree. That’s the theme of her home decor.

What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? These episodes are so rife with playful antagonism, I could pick one of those. But I bet the one she liked most was when Merlin reassured Arthur that he would be a great king.

Check out Jessica Jarman’s take on the episode here

Check out Bronwyn Green’s take on the episode here

That’s it for this week. Join us on Monday as we watch S03E03, “Goblin’s Gold” at 8pm EST on the hashtag #MerlinClub.

 

Jenny Watches: The 50 Shades of Grey trailer

Just when I thought I was free from the horror show of Chedward and Anabella, here we are. Like some recurring nightmare in which we’re forced to watch a bad movie based on bad fanfic from a bad franchise that had equally bad movies… wait. No, sorry. Not “like.” That is exactly what’s happening here. It should go without saying that since this is Fifty Shades of Grey, TW: rape, domestic abuse, emotional abuse.

When I got on twitter the other day, people were like OMG HAVE YOU SEEN THE TRAILER YET?! And I was like, “I thought that was coming out on Thursday?” and then it turned out to be a trailer for the trailer. Isn’t this a little bit of overkill? The movie doesn’t come out for like seven more months. Is this how desperate the studio is to keep it fresh in our minds? I figured the big trailer release everyone was hungry for was the one that came out on Tuesday. Then I got on twitter this morning (I use the term “morning” loosely because I have not been waking up before double digits lately) and my twitter had a lot of, “I can’t wait to see what @Jenny_Trout thinks of the 50 Shades trailer!” and I was like:

But I’m going to recap it anyway, because all of this movie buzz is just rekindling the bottomless fount of anger that I feel toward these books and the fact that E.L. James called one of my most favorite tweeps a “sad fuck” recently. Shots fired, Erika. Brace for return fire.

The Fifty Shades of Grey trailer opens with some creepy piano notes, and Ana is revealed in all her brown haired, mousey, boring glory as she steps off an elevator:

I know, don’t judge by appearances yadda yadda, but please, please tell me that is a bad wig and not Dakota Johnson’s actual hair that they made her walk around in during her off hours. It looks like a five-year-old grabbed Barbie’s friend Theresa and went to town on her bangs with a pair of safety scissors. Ana’s voice over is heard, saying, “So this is just an interview for the newspaper. I just have a couple of questions.” They do not, however, show Ana asking Chedward if he’s gay. I assume they’re saving that for the movie, and the music will be really suspenseful.

A blonde, probably evil receptionist tells her, “Mr. Grey will see you now.” No mention of the “iced water.” Man, they are teasing the hell out of us, aren’t they? Leaving out all those important scenes that we’re aching for. #TeamIcedWater4Lyfe

It is at this point:

then DRock asked, “Wait, why doesn’t he get with the blonde bitch? She’s hotter.”

DRock is unaware that Mr. Grey only wants to have sex with women who look exactly like his mother. When I tell her this information, she is visibly disgusted.

The trailer cuts from Ana opening the door to Chedward’s office, directly to a shot of Chedward gazing out the enormous glass-and-steel-and-glass-and-steel-and-glass-and-glass-and-steel and-steel windows. So we never get to see Ana spill ass and carpet burn her way across his office. Again, saving the best for the movie, I’d wager.

In voice over, Kate asks Ana what Chedward was like, and she’s all, he was polite and intense and smart and intimidating and he didn’t fall down even once like I did because woe is me I’m so clumsy.  Or whatever. I stopped listening halfway through, because I know every line of this movie is going to be bullshit.

Christian tells Ana that he’d like to know more about her, and she says:

“There’s really not much to know about me. Look at me.”

And it is as awkward as it read in the book. Like, cringe inducingly awkward. And it’s not Dakota Johnson’s fault. As Harrison Ford famously said to George Lucas, “You can type this shit, but you can’t say it.” Book dialogue that’s clunky is going to be clunky on screen. So expect this entire movie to be clunky as hell.

I’m going to take one of those little clicker things that people use to count passengers on a train and keep track of all the “Oh my”s that no doubt clutter up a screenplay.

This is how Ana looks at him after saying, “Look at me.” :

Notice me, Senpai!

And Chedward is all:

“I am.”

And he’s looking at her like this:

I’m trying to figure out how much rope and other murder supplies to buy at your place of business.

There is literally nothing I find sexually attractive about this guy. At all. And not just because he’s playing recreational manipulator Christian Grey, but because he looks like a senior in high school. He actually looks younger than Ana. I’m wondering how this, “Ew, he’s so ancient,” thing is going to work.

Then we see Christian walking Ana to the elevator, and the tense score reaches a climactic crescendo. Mr. Jen asks, “Is this supposed to sound like a horror movie?” My answer: “Yes.”

After a beat, Beyonce’s new, slowed down version of “Crazy In Love” starts, and I’m like, “Please, Bey. Tell my why you did this. You already had enough money. You’re already the most famous person in the world. You’re like, Queen of the United States. Please. Why did you do this?”

We see a montage of shit we remember from the books, like Christian getting his picture taken:

This guy. This fucking guy.

By who I assume is Ana’s forty-three-year-old college friend, Jacob José. Dios Mío!

And guys. GUYS. guys. The most important part of the entire movie gets glossed over in one quick, blurry shot. You should be outraged. But we finally, FINALLY, get a look at the character we’ve all been waiting for:

Is that Taylor?! I assume that’s Taylor. OMG TAAAAAYLOR. I like how even though he’s blurry, he looks 100% fed up with everything. That is exactly how I imagined him in the books.

Over this, we hear Ana asking Christian why he’s successful, or something, and him saying he exercises control in all things, and then they’re at the coffee place and Ana is like, that sounds boring, and I’m like, “It is.” Then we cut to the elevator scene where he corners her and kisses her, and holds her hands when she tries to push him away. I’m glad they managed to get at least two rapey moments into the trailer.

I’m also glad that we get a look at Charlie Tango. Because again. The most important parts of the book:

I accidentally got the screenshot during a transition, so here are two glimpses at Charlie Tango for the price of one. Also, it makes it look like Chedward is a ghost. This inspires me. Stay tuned for my upcoming novel, The Billionaire’s Haunted Helicopter.

In voice over, Christian tells Ana that he’s “incapable” of leaving her alone, which is super sexy with a dude says that, then isolates you from your friends and family has a private detective find out your banking information. Hot as fuck.

Other fascinating glimpses in this trailer:

The scene where Edward plays Bella the song he wrote for her.

The scene where Edward fights with Jacob to protect Bella.

Cullen family dinner. (Clockwise from 12, Carlisle, Rose, Jasper, Alice, Esme, Edward, and Bella)

Nonconsensual under table finger banging in front of his family.

Hey, remember when we were all hypothesizing that the plagiarism would be even more obvious on screen? Go us, because it totally is.

Then, we get to the scenes everyone was breathlessly waiting for. Red. Room. Of. Pain. And Chedward saying that his tastes are very singular.

Okay, Cheward. Your tastes are not “very” singular. They can’t be a little singular. They’re either singular, or not. Second, lots and lots of people are into the very same stuff you’re into. You’re not special just because the woman who wrote you thought she was being super provocative with her BDSM 101 books.

Here is Jamie Dornan’s audition screen test for the role of Captain America:

He didn’t get the part.

Is that an entire drawer full of masks? How many eyes do the girls you date usually have?!

There are shots of the glider ride and some other shit, and Bella asking Edward to “enlighten” her on his big, dark, darkity dark secret, and then:

Mr. Jen asks, “Are there bodies in there?” And I’m like, “Of course not. Mrs. Jones would have already cut them up and scattered their parts around Seattle.”

There’s all those floggers that can’t be properly sterilized, unlike the stainless steel butt toys he replaces between each sub.

There’s that riding crop he’s going to turn her clit into hamburger meat with.

And the trailer ends on a tantalizing shot of Ana, bound and gasping:

I assume this is where she “detonates around him.”

As with all movie trailers, they showed basically all the important parts of the story. Except I’m disappointed that we didn’t see Mrs. Jones, or Mrs. Robinson, or the bloody tampon scene, or Kate’s plum dress. Here’s the whole trailer:

So, that’s basically it. That is the reason that my cell phone sounded like a vibrator this morning, from everyone tweeting at me. Is it wrong that I’m a little bit excited for this movie? I have this weird hope that the screen writers will have toned down the abuse and made it something watchable. And if they don’t, it won’t matter, because I’ll be hate-watching it anyway.

For those of you planning to hate-watch like I am, one of my tweeps suggested that we buy the ticket, then donate twice the ticket price to a domestic abuse charity. I think that would be stellar.

Now, in a move that will be seen by some as me using the mention of Fifty Shades of Grey to market my own work in the sleaziest way possible (because it totally is and I just don’t give a fuck), if you have friends and family who love the 50SoG series, recommend my (free) erotic romance, The Boss to them. It’s written using tropes from 50, except for a lot of them I did the exact opposite of what E.L. did. Like, you know. Include informed consent and a hero who isn’t an abusive, manipulative monster. It’s available basically wherever e-books are sold, but here’s the amazon link. Some one-star reviews have called it, “nothing like 50 Shades,” which is basically the best advertisement I could hope for, but I’ve had fans of 50 say they loved it, too. So either way, you might get some entertainment from suggesting it.

 

 

 

Wednesday Blogging: Music I’m Writing To Right Now

I know I’ve posted my playlists before–and recently–but this week’s Wednesday Blogging is about what playlists are getting us through our current work in progress. So, rather than just throw the playlist up here, I’ll throw it up here and talk about some of the songs and how they relate, so it’s not a repeat of every other time I’ve done this topic.

I’ll throw some tidbits about The Ex in here, too, so spoiler alert, if you don’t like that sort of thing, fair warning.

So, here we go. This is what what I’m writing The Ex to:

Let me talk at you about a few of the songs a minute.

“Navy,” Kilo Kush I needed something super sexy to write a particular scene with Sophie, and this did it, in a big way.

“Still Into You,” Paramore When I announced the title of this book, everybody went nuts, thinking Sophie and Neil were going to break up. While Sophie is definitely having some cold feet about marriage,  they’re still very much together. It’s a challenge to write about a relationship two years in and keep it fresh and sexy and interesting, which is why I think this song describes them perfectly. They’re more in love with every page. And I’m still into them, too.

“All of Me,” John Legend The non-beat-added version. This becomes a very special song for Sophie and Neil. The first time I heard it, I thought of them, and I needed a song to mention in a scene, and BAM, there it was. Totally perfect.

“Somebody Loves You,” Betty Who This one is pretty self-explanatory, but the line “somebody misses you when you’re away” was made this song ping in my mind, because as Sophie’s magazine takes off, she’s got less time to spend with Neil. He loves her and supports her, but he still misses her when she works late or stays in the city.

“Flaws,” Bastille Both Neil and Sophie will be working through some major personal stuff during this book, but they go through it together. I think when you get with the right person, someone who can be there for you no matter what, you feel safe enough to start working on yourself.

Wanna know what the other Wednesday bloggers are listening to? Check out their playlists:

Kris Norris • Tess Grant • Jessica Jarman • Bronwyn Green • Gwendolyn Cease

 

The Big Damn Buffy Rewatch S02E11, “Ted” TW: child abuse

In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will spend way too much money ona  sexy lady Giles cosplay costume. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.
Giles is totally in love with Buffy.
Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.
Willow’s magic is utterly useless (this one won’t be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)
Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.
The show isn’t as feminist as people claim.
All the monsters look like wieners.
If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.
Angel is a dick.
Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.
Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.
Some of this shit is racist as fuck.
Science and technology are not to be trusted.
Mental illness is stigmatized.
Only Willow can use a computer.
Buffy’s strength is flexible at the plot’s convenience.
Cheap laughs and desperate grabs at plot plausibility are made through Xenophobia.
Oz is the Anti-Xander
Spike is capable of love despite his lack of soul
Don’t freaking tell me the vampires don’t need to breathe because they’re constantly out of frickin’ breath.

Have I missed any that were added in past recaps? Let me know in the comments.  Even though I might forget that you mentioned it.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they’re watching along with me, and that’s awesome, but I’ve seen the entire series already and I’ll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So… you know, take that under consideration, if you’re a person who can’t enjoy something if you know future details about it. 

This is probably one of the more disturbing episodes of the series. If you’ve ever experience abuse of any kind from a step parent or a parent’s partner, this recap might be triggering. Just a heads up going in.

So, Willow and Xander and Buffy are strolling down the Sunnydale sidewalk, deep in debate over who was steering the ship, metaphorically speaking, The Captain or Tennille. Now, you might think this is one of those times where I’m going to go, “How would 90′s high schoolers even know about The Captain and Tennille,” but ha ha, I remember the 90′s and there was a huge nostalgia boom for the 1970′s going on at the time. I think the release of Dazed and Confused in 1993 sparked the whole thing, because we were wearing overalls, bellbottoms, and platform shoes in high school.

Anyway, Xander points out how unusually quiet Sunnydale has been lately, and then in doing so realizes that he’s at the beginning of an episode and has thus doomed them to participation in plot. Sure enough, when Buffy gets home, the front door is unlocked. Something is wrong. She warily makes her way through the house, all the way to the kitchen, where she finds this horrible scene:

It’s parental aged people making out! It’s horrible!

Now, before we go any further, there is something about this scene I’ve never really thought about before. When Buffy comes into the house, she hears a glass breaking and her mom saying “No!” and then she runs into the kitchen to this. The explanation is that she broke a wine glass, and I’m sure the viewer is supposed to go, “Oh, because they were making out so hard she broke the wineglass and was like, ‘No!’ about it before she just thought, fuck it, I’ll keep getting some more of this sweet, sweet John Ritter tongue.” But this time, knowing what I know about what’s going to happen in the rest of the episode– that John Ritter is actually an evil robot abusive husband who kidnaps and murders his wives– I have to wonder… how long has Joyce been in an abusive relationship with this guy? She just shouted “no!” and a glass broke, and then when Buffy comes in she has this unconvincing excuse… again, I’m sure that’s supposed to be parental awkwardness we’re meant to see, but if you think about it from that angle, it’s quite dark, isn’t it? It makes it seem like dude attacked her to get that make-out on.

Joyce– is that the only dress Joyce owns? I’m pretty sure she wears that exact dress to a date in season 5– introduces Buffy to John Ritter (the titular “Ted”) and Buffy makes the exact same face I made in the presence of my mother’s long term boyfriend every single time we were in the same room:

The only thing I like about you is your dog, Mark!

After the main credits, Buffy is grilling her mom about Ted. She mentions that her mom has been working “late nights.” So, Joyce has been with this guy a while, then? Is that why we’re never seeing her in season two? Is that why season two is exactly like my junior year of high school?

Ted is a computers guy, and in the kitchen he and Willow are having a very, very 1990′s conversation:

Willow: “I like my new nine gig hard drive.”

Ted: “But you don’t love it, ’cause without the DMA upgrade, your computer’s only half a rocket ship.”

No, you dummy, it’s a computer. But seriously, nine gig hard drive? That was the kind of cutting edge technology most of us could only dream about in 1997.

Here’s another red flag, you guys: Ted has just met Buffy, has just met her friends, but he offers to give Willow those upgrades for free. He’s also made a pizza, which is the way to Xander’s heart. So he’s weaseled his way in good with Buffy’s friends. I find that kind of behavior so unbelievably creepy.

He also immediately tries to tell Buffy how important she is to him, because she’s important to her mother. Like, who does this right after they just meet you? Oh, manipulating abusers.

Joyce tells Buffy she wants her to be okay with the new relationship situation. Which is really unfair, because it’s like, “Buffy, I want you to decide to be cool with this immediately. No pressure, just, you know. Make your feelings convenient for me.” Buffy insists she’s okay with everything, but then we cut to a fight with a vampire in a cemetery in which Giles has to tell her to take it easy on the vamp. He eventually just sits on a bench and looks on in discomfort as Buffy uses the vampire as a punching bag, before ultimately staking him.

Buffy: “Any others?”

Giles: “Well, for their sakes I certainly hope not.”

Buffy: “What? Kill vampires, that’s my job.”

Giles: “True, true. Although you don’t usually beat them into quite such a bloody pulp beforehand. Everything all right?”

Hey, buddy. You seem like you’re feeling down. LOL

Even though Buffy starts ranting about vampires and mini-pizzas, she ultimately decides not to tell Giles what’s wrong.

The next day at school, Xander is still talking about the damn mini-pizza. Both he and Willow love Buffy, and though she has a bad feeling about Ted, her friends try to pass it off as some Freudian mommy-issue. This is one aspect of the gang that annoys me. In season four, when Buffy’s roommate is a demon and only she can see it, they do the same thing. Oh, it couldn’t be that there is really something off about this person. It’s that there’s something wrong with Buffy. It’s one thing to go, “hey, buddy, you’re misreading the situation,” and another to actively pressure that buddy into thinking there’s something wrong with their own emotions.

But their conversation is cut short when Ted shows up. At their school. He’s there to update the computer system, but come on. Still creepy. He invites all three of them to go mini-golfing, putting Buffy on the spot so she has to accept, because her friends want to go. Well, actually, Willow tries to cover for Buffy when Buffy says she’s busy, but Xander, always thinking about Xander, chooses promises of pizza and cookies over his friend’s needs.

Meanwhile, in the computer lab, Giles has to tell Jenny that some text books meant for her class were delivered to the library. Full disclosure, when I was rewatching this episode, I had my headphones on and I was drawing, so when Giles walked into the classroom and said, “Hello, Jenny,” I looked up and was like, “Hello…?” in my office. It was a bit disconcerting.

Jenny calls him out on the real reason he’s there:

Jenny: “Rupert, I know you’re concerned. But having you constantly poking around, making little puppy dog eyes at me, wondering if I’m okay… you make me feel bad that I don’t feel better. I don’t want that responsibility.”

TRUTH. It is so fucking refreshing to hear someone saying this in a piece of popular media. Sometimes, concern can overwhelm the person you’re trying to be concerned for. And Giles, in a rare moment of just straight fucking up, doesn’t get it. He’s wounded by the fact that Jenny doesn’t want him to smother her with worry to make himself feel better, and he doesn’t hide it. Which isn’t fair to Ms. Calendar. This is such an important, quietly powerful scene, guys.

At Angel’s place, Buffy is tending her vampire boyfriend’s wounds from the incident with Spike and Drusilla. And maybe Buffy needs to get a little perspective on life, because she’s bandaging up someone’s wounds while complaining about her mom’s boyfriend. Though Angel doesn’t outright tell Buffy she’s wrong, he does note that she’s a little obsessive, and that her mom is probably lonely– something Angel understands. He also points out that Buffy would probably not like anyone her mother dated, and Buffy knows that’s true; she would rather her parents have stayed together. And then, for some reason, that situation gets Angel hot and he’s all, “Kiss me,” and Buffy’s all, “Yay!” and then we get to watch an underaged teen make out with her centuries old boyfriend. We’ve been Twilighted, y’all.

At mini-golf the next day, Ted asks Buffy if boys are lining up to date her. Willow almost spills the secret about Angel, but instead she says that Buffy is too worried about school to bother with guys. Which leads Ted to make a remark about how he hopes Buffy’s grades will come up. Excuse me, Ted?! Excuse me, Joyce?! I’m not a fan of “blame the mother” in cases like this, but on this one point? Joyce shouldn’t be telling Ted about Buffy’s grades. Buffy isn’t a second-grader, she’s a high schooler. Why isn’t she entitled to some privacy?

Oh, because Joyce thinks it’s okay to tell Ted private stuff about Buffy because he’s concerned about her. Okay. Speaking as a mother, if a guy  I had just started dating was that interested in my kid, that would be an issue for me. Granted, I’ve never been a single mother. I don’t know how hard it is. And I’m not blaming mothers who have abusive partners deceive them. But in our culture, which still upholds a two parent family as the pinnacle of functionality, we need to stress that too dad, too fast is a warning of potential danger. This happens in real life, for real reasons though, so our #3 doesn’t apply here.

It gets worse when Buffy beefs her shot– I guess I’d never thought of it before, but it probably is really hard for a Slayer to mini-golf, due to difficult to gauge super-strength– and

Joyce: “Oh, we won’t count it.”

Ted: “We won’t?”

Joyce: “No, it’s just miniature golf.”

Ted: “It is, but the rules are the rules. And what we teach her is what she takes out into the world when we’re not there. Whether it’s at school or an unchaperoned party.”

Do not criticize Joyce’s parenting, Ted. That’s my job.

Xander and Willow are even kind of… ehhhhhhh maybe Ted is not as cool as we thought:

Feeling pretty foolish now, aren’t you, guys?

Joyce is clearly a little put off by Ted’s parental intensity, but in an effort to keep the peace, she sides with him. Of course you do, mom.

Buffy is not having this mini-golf crap, so she goes and picks up her ball and drops it in the hole, thinking nobody can see her. But Ted sees her, and he gets real serious, real fast, going on a rant about right and wrong and how nobody appreciates the difference anymore. He’s pounding on his leg with the putter, and Buffy is pretty freaked out. When he says he doesn’t stand for cheating in his house, Buffy tells him it’s a good thing they’re not in his house, and he threatens to slap her. Just then, Xander, Willow, and Joyce come up, and Ted does a personality one-eighty, offering them all cookies.

This show is a little too real sometimes.

The next morning, Buffy tells her mom what happened and how Ted threatened her, but her mom doesn’t believe her, stating explicitly to Buffy that what she thought happened did not happen.

This show is a little too real sometimes.

At school, Buffy asks Willow to investigate Ted. But Willow and Xander both still think Buffy is overreacting. The conversation is cut off when Cordelia walks by and Xander gives her a compliment she storms off and he follows her. She’s pissed because he was nice to her in front of people, because she thinks it might blow the lid off their secret kissing times. But all the altercation accomplishes is more kissing times, so the viewer is given the distinct impression that this is something that’s been happening a lot.

Buffy asks Willow to find out where Ted works, and Willow must have helped her out, because we cut to Buffy at Ted’s work. This is Ted at work:

He even looks like he’s enjoying phone sales. This is the face of true evil.

Okay, so later we find out that Ted is a  robot, right? So… why wouldn’t a robot pick a better job than selling computer software over the phone?

Remember in the ’90′s where they sold computer stuff over the phone instead of on the internet? What a time that was.

Buffy finds out that Ted is like, the leading sales guy at the place where he works, and they call him “The Machine.” So, you know. Foreshadowing.

Ew, I wonder if Joyce calls him “The Machine.” You know what I’m insinuating.

The coworker Buffy speaks to is “counting the days” until Ted takes time off for his wedding in two months. And Buffy is all, WTF. She goes to Ted’s desk and sees a photo of her mother there. She finds it suspicious and when she takes it out of the frame she finds that it’s a picture of her and her mother together, but Ted has folded Buffy under, effectively cutting her out.

And the creep just keeps on a comin’.

At dinner that night, Ted is saying grace:

Ted: “We thank you for what we are about to receive, and we ask that you bless this house and help the people in it to be more productive, more considerate, and more honest.”

And then he looks right at Buffy. And Joyce just sits there, her hands folded in prayer, even though we’ve never once seen any evidence of religion in the Summer’s house.

Buffy is about 300% done with Ted’s shit. She asks point blank if Joyce and Ted are engaged, and Joyce is surprised by the question because they’re not engaged at all, despite what Buffy heard at Ted’s work that day. But Ted gets all “let me handle this,” about the situation, and steamrolls right over Joyce to play daddy to Buffy. When he asks her how she would feel if he asked her mom to marry him, Buffy says she’d feel like killing herself, and Joyce gets angry. She sends Buffy to her room, and apologizes to Ted, saying she doesn’t know what’s up with Buffy’s behavior.

You know why you don’t know what’s going on with your daughter, Joyce? Because you never do, because #3. Now, to be clear, I’m not blaming Joyce for what happens later in the episode, because that’s not her fault that she doesn’t know Ted is an evil abusive robot boyfriend. But it is her fault that she won’t ever talk to her daughter, even when she’s not being manipulated by an abusive boyfriend. Parents have to talk to their children. Even if she thinks Buffy is being irrational. Even if she thinks Buffy is overreacting. Joyce can’t be bothered to talk to her daughter about important shit most of the time, which is why Buffy is constantly consulting her friends for help. “Oh, she feels like she can’t go to her mother because she’s a teenager.” Yeah, and because her mother doesn’t listen to her when she does try to go to her.

Maybe I’m just biased against Joyce because I know what it’s like to have a parent get into a serious relationship with someone you don’t like (yeah, Mark) or suddenly find religion when they start dating someone new. But Joyce hasn’t bothered to ask Buffy how she feels about all this aside from asking for approval, which isn’t fair. Even if Buffy’s issues won’t affect Joyce’s choice in a romantic partner, she should at least still ask how Buffy feels about this new addition to her life, and she should intercede on Buffy’s behalf when Ted oversteps his bounds. Which is like, always and constantly.

When Buffy is stressed, she needs a good slay. Unfortunately, there are no vampires in need of slaying at the moment, so she’s hooped. She goes back home, climbs through her window, and finds this:

He’s multi-tasking guard duty while appearing as an anonymous witness on Unsolved Mysteries.

Buffy is outraged that Ted is in her bedroom, and even more outraged when she sees that he’s been going through her things, which he equates to Buffy sneaking into his work. He even read her diary, and asks her what a vampire slayer is, and threatens to have her thrown into a mental institution for her delusions.

Hey, remember in season six, where Buffy thought she was in a mental institution? Okay, just checking.

When Ted tries to take the diary as evidence, Buffy puts her hand on his arm to stop him, and he full out punches her in the jaw. Then Buffy really opens up and gives him a beating in front of her horrified mother. Someone who is clearly not John Ritter falls down the stairs and dies. Like, for real. He fucking dies.

When the police respond, Joyce gets questioned:

Detective: “Ma’am, I’m detective Stein. I’m sorry, but I need to ask you a few questions. Your relationship with the deceased?”

Joyce: “We were, um, seeing each other.”

Detective: “Can you tell me what happened?”

Joyce: “He fell. Down the stairs. He fell.”

Detective: “I see. Uh, did he slip? Do you know what made him fall?”

Buffy: “I hit him.”

Buffy is torn up. Seriously torn up. This sets the tone for an incident in season three. Buffy doesn’t know that Ted is an evil robot right now, so she thinks she just killed a man.

At the police station, Joyce seems more worried about her daughter than her dead boyfriend, which I can get down with. I’m sure Joyce is pretty freaked that her daughter knows martial arts and how to beat someone to death and the subject never came up.

In the interrogation room, Buffy tells Detective Stein that Ted had threatened to slap her before, and that he hit her, causing the fight. Since she has that pesky slayer thing going on, she doesn’t have a bruise, so the screw doesn’t believe her.

The car ride home is tense. And at school the next morning, everyone in the halls are openly talking about Buffy. Even a pair of teachers. But her friends are there to support her:

Xander: “What was he? A demon, a giant bug, or some kinda dark god with the secrets of nouvelle cuisine? I mean, we are talking creature feature here, right?”

God damnit, Xander.

Do not try to argue with me that Sarah Michelle Gellar isn’t a good actress because this is a fight you will lose. I got a whole folder of these screencaps that prove you wrong.

Though Xander and Willow try to make her feel better about the situation, there’s really no good way for Buffy to justify killing a person, even in self defense. She knows that in the strength department, a human is outmatched against her, and she lost control. She can’t handle being around her friends anymore, because they want to make her feel better and she doesn’t want to feel better. Giles spots her in the hallway, urgently calls her name and actually runs toward her to make sure she’s okay. “Hey, there’s that librarian who is always creepily hanging out with her,” the many, many students and faculty members who are viewing Buffy with interest today think. “It’s very strange that he is touching her.” Ha ha, just kidding. They don’t think it’s strange at all. (8) When Buffy realizes that Giles has been talking to Detective Stein, she can’t deal with him, either, and takes off.

In the library, Giles is packing up his medieval weaponry as fast as you probably would if the cops were swarming the place. Willow is digging for dirt about Ted online while Xander paces and raves about how there had to be something evil about Ted. (15) Before you dismiss that as Xander having Nice Guy goggles on for Buffy, remember that Xander is often the Ron Weasley of this show, and he’ll say shit that totally comes true later. This is one of those cases. Giles tells the teens that whatever the law could do to Buffy won’t be as bad as what she’ll do to herself, because taking a human life is terrible and the emotional consequences, etc. Which Giles knows about, since he feels responsible for the deaths of his friends. Which Cordelia helpfully points out:

Cordelia: “I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time.”

Giles: “Yes. Do let’s bring that up as often as possible.”

Xander finds cookies in a backpack, and while he eats them Giles announces that he’s going to go out vampire hunting since Buffy can’t. When he leaves, Xander has done a personality flip. In fact… he sounds an awful lot like Ted. And Willow is like, “Let me snatch that cookie from you,” because she’s Willow and she’s made the connection.

Cut to Joyce sadly packing away cooking stuff. When Buffy comes in and tries to talk to her, Joyce tells her she’s not ready to talk about the Ted thing, and sends Buffy to her room. Meanwhile, at the science lab, Willow has somehow been able to analyze the cookies and discover drugs in them. Sunnydale must get some staggering fucking grants, if they’ve got a CSI lab in their school. The drug Willow found is a mood-altering tranquilizer, which explains why Joyce was so goddamn chill about Ted barging in and parenting her child. Cordelia shows up with a folder full of information on Ted, including marriage licenses (plural) and his address. The kids decide to go over there to get to the bottom of things.

Giles is out, looking to fight vampires while also looking like the last thing he wants to do is be around a vampire, when someone comes up behind him and scares him. Don’t worry, it’s only Ms. Calendar. She apologizes to him for being harsh earlier, because she knows he feels bad about putting her danger. And Giles is like, yeah, I do, because there’s a vampire right behind her.

I don’t like that Jenny apologizes. First of all, she was right. It wasn’t her responsibility to make sure he doesn’t feel bad about something he should legitimately feel bad about. And she did deserve her space. But whatever, because we need to go check in with Buffy. Important shit going down over there. Like, her window is nailed shut.

Buffy: “Well, it’s official. Today can’t get any worse.”

Ted: “Beg to differ.”

WTF! TED! We thought you were DEAD! It rhymes, so it must be true!

Ted throws Buffy across the room, and Giles takes on the vampire. Giles, as always, does a surprisingly good job of not getting instantly killed. I may have said this before, but it’s my head canon that Watchers are trained in the same fighting style as their Slayers, even if they’re not as good at it, and that’s why they can train the Slayers. It only makes sense.

Ted tells Buffy that he had to “shut down” so she’d lower her defenses, and he gets her at a disadvantage and chokes her. Back at the Giles fight, Jenny accidentally shoots him with a crossbow, and like a total fucking badass he pulls the bolt out of his back and dusts the vamp with it. Let’s file this one under our running tally of times Giles has displayed inexplicable badassery.

Before Buffy loses consciousness, she manages to grab a nail file off her dresser, and she stabs Ted in the arm with it, exposing all kinds of wires and sparks:

That nail file was bigger than it looked.

Ted starts to short circuit. He hears Joyce downstairs and he kicks Buffy in the face, knocking her out or at least down, and tells her not to worry about her mother, because they’re going to be very happy. Yeah. That sounds legit.

Xander, Cordelia, and Willow arrive at the address they found for Ted. It’s just an abandoned wood shop. That’s not the only thing that’s not adding up. Ted has four marriage certificates and no divorce records– and his earliest marriage was in 1957, which would mean he was probably still in diapers or something. Cordelia notices that the rug on the floor doesn’t match the interior design theme of the house,  and that clues them in that it’s hiding something.

At the Summers’s house, Joyce is shocked to find that Ted is alive. He describes an impossible scenario in which he was dead for six minutes, then came back to life and was found alive in the morgue. But… okay, Ted? Even if that had happened, it really hasn’t been long enough for a guy who was clinically dead to recover and get discharged from the hospital, right? And doesn’t that shit generally end up on the news? Joyce totally buys the story and tells Ted that Buffy didn’t mean to hurt him, and he tells her she doesn’t have to worry about Buffy. Which should be pretty ominous, don’t you think, Joyce?

Back in the haunted wood shop, the Scoobies find themselves in a little 1950′s style bungalow bomb shelter, just like that movie with Brendan Fraser and Christopher Walken. I think that’s who was in that. Alicia Silverstone, too.

Okay, yeah, so anyway, Xander opens one of the closets and finds Ted’s four dead wives, blue beard style. And here’s how you can tell that our ragtag little band of heroes is becoming jaded about death and violent crime: when they go back up the stairs, Xander turns off the lights. Imagine, dear readers, that you’re in a small, subterranean space with four dead bodies. When you go up the narrow little ladder to escape… do you turn off the lights and leave only the yawning darkness behind you?

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Xander does not fear death.

Joyce tells Ted that she wants to talk to Buffy about his return, and Ted gets super pissed off. He yells about how he’s the one who died, so they should be more worried about him, and as he promises to take Joyce away where no one can bother her ever again, he shorts out and blurts something about gravy. He tells her he doesn’t take orders from women. He’s not wired that way. If Joyce isn’t tipped off that he’s an evil robot yet, whatever, but she knows something is dangerously wrong with Ted.

Back at the park, Giles is trying to be very tough and manly about his crossbow wound:

Giles: “I think I’m all right.”

Jenny: “No, you’re just in shock.”

Giles: “No, no, really, I don’t think it went in too deep. The advantages of layers of tweed. It’s better than Kevlar.”

Oh, Giles. I love you so much it hurts. But Jenny is a smart lady and she decides to cut the bullshit and get him to a hospital.

Buffy wakes up on her floor and chokes a little, presumably on some teeth because she got kicked in the damn face. Downstairs, Joyce tells Ted she’d like to get a drink, but he says they have to leave, and that she’ll love the house. She tries to escape again by saying she should pack, but he tells her he already has all of her clothes. Oh, and that she left him once, but he keeps bringing her back. When Joyce isn’t enthusiastic about leaving, Ted pushes her into the wall, knocking her out. He intends to carry her off to his murder bunker, but something distracts him. It’s Buffy, and she’s got a frying pan attack.

It’s super effective.

Ted the evil robot is out of commission.

Some time after the above happens, Buffy and her mom are sitting on the porch eating candy. Joyce says she’s afraid Ted will come back– she doesn’t know he’s a nightmare robot, she thinks he’s just a regular serial killer.

Somehow, I feel like “robot” is more comforting than “serial killer.”

At school, Xander hashes out the bits of the storyline that weren’t shown. This could be clumsy and generally stupid, but Buffy is there, and we don’t know if she’s heard the story yet, so we can give it a pass. But look, if you’re writing something, and you’ve got a character going, “As you know, last week you and I went looking for a new car…” that’s not acceptable at all. You know better than that. You are better than that.

The deal with Ted was that he was dying, and his wife left him. He built a robot Ted so that he might live on, kidnapped his ex-wife, kept her prisoner until she died, then did the same thing three times with four different wives. I assume they didn’t die from natural causes, then. Buffy, Willow, Xander, and Cordelia all resolve to return to life as normal. But then they try to go into the library and see this:

Having trouble in your relationship? Get your man on track by shooting him in the back with a crossbow!

I really like this episode, because it’s playing up a fantasy that most children of single parents have: finding out something really horrible that will turn their parent away from their romantic interest. God knows I had those fantasies when my mom was dating. I was always just waiting, just aching to see her boyfriend’s face pop up on America’s Most Wanted (I’m still watching, Mark).

I would have liked to see a scene where Joyce tells Buffy she’s sorry she didn’t believe her about Ted threatening her, though. Instead, we get a scene where Buffy listens to her mother’s fears, without any reassurance. Joyce is a pretty selfish parent. When she’s not under the influence of robot cookies, she still can’t be there for her daughter, hence my #3 on my list.

This episode is also a great example of what can often, sadly, happen when a new man comes into mom’s life. I’ve known far too many kids who were physically, sexually, or emotionally abused by a mom’s boyfriend because she believed “he would never do that.” While I’m sure it happens if a partner of another gender comes into the picture, as well, I feel like we hear overwhelmingly about the stepfather or the mom’s boyfriend hurting her kids. Again, I’m sure it happens with dad’s boyfriend or mom’s girlfriend,  and non-binary variations thereupon, but we hear about it all the time about men and women in heterosexual relationships. I think this is because heterosexual men can sometimes see a woman’s children as her weakness, and they can use them to exploit and trap her.

And we place the blame on the mother every time, because “she should have known! How could she not know?” Which is a huge component of the “circle the wagons” attitude when mothers discover that their partner is abusing their child. Because we so often hear, “How could she not have known? Why didn’t she protect her child?” the first thought the mother probably has is, “How could I not have known? Why didn’t I protect my own child?” That’s something pretty heavy to have in your head. No wonder denial is such a popular option. In this episode, the denial is pharmaceutical; Ted has been drugging Joyce, therefore she is blind to his flaws.

By the way, and this is totally anecdotal, but I’ve never heard anyone say about a father whose female partner abused his children, “Why didn’t he know?” In those cases, I think you’re more likely to hear, “She tricked him! He couldn’t have known!” We hold the woman responsible for the abuse, no matter whether she was or not.

When we see Joyce, Xander and Willow denying Buffy’s gut instinct that this guy is a danger to her and her mother, despite all the red flags, we’re seeing a situation that actually happens to far too many kids. Sans evil robots.

State of The Trout: Stress coping technique and The Boss series goes on sale

The Girlfriend and The Bride are on sale for $0.99! From now until the end of Authors After Dark in Charlotte, NC, the entire Bossverse series is available for under two dollars. As always The Boss and The Hook-Up are free.

On the stress relief front, I have hit a stress wall! If you’re new to the blog, welcome to an ongoing account of my struggle with mental illness! It’s always more difficult to manage my mental state when I’m under stress. Right now, the stress is all good stress, caused by good things, but stress is stress, and I need a constructive coping strategy.

Or.

I could build a bog-out tent out of Rugrats sheets…

and I could hide in it and get high with Samantha…

and spend some quality time on Tumblr…

I’m doing awesome, though, and expecting good things. Also, due to my super rad tent, expecting to wake up in a bed full of thumbtacks, bleeding slightly.

 

 

Merlin Club S02E13: “The Last Dragonlord” or “Did you really expect for this to not happen, Merlin?”

Merlin club is a weekly feature in which Jessica Jarman, Bronwyn Green, and myself gather at 8pm EST to watch an episode of the amazing BBC series Merlin, starring Colin Morgan and literally nobody else I care about except Colin Morgan.

Okay, I lie. A lot of other really cool people are in it, too.

Anyway, we watch the show, we tweet to the hashtag #MerlinClub, and on Fridays we share our thoughts about the episode we watched earlier in the week.

So, here’s a quick rundown of episode thirteen: Setting the dragon free does not turn out fine, as I originally estimated. The dragon isn’t a fan of Camelot, probably due to that whole keeping him imprisoned in a cavern thing, so he decides to redecorate the landscape by burning the city to the ground. The only person who could possibly help would be some kind of Dragonlord, and Uther wisely killed all of those before getting rid of all the dragons. Good thinking, sire!  Turns out, there’s one Dragonlord left, and surprise! He’s Merlin’s daddy! So Merlin and Arthur go to find Balinor so they can convince him to come help Camelot. It’s a tough sell, but Balinor decides he’ll help, just because Merlin is his son and all. On the way back to Camelot, Arthur, Merlin, and Balinor are attacked, and Balinor is killed. Believing there is no way for them to beat the dragon now, Arthur mounts a suicide crew to give it one last shot. Merlin learns that he’s the last Dragonlord, now that his father is dead, because the powers passed on, so he goes on Arthur’s mission and ends up giving the dragon a verbal smack down that he’ll never forget, sending him away from Camelot forever. Arthur believes he slew the dragon, and everyone goes home happy.

If I had written this episode, I would have changed: Why did they keep trying to kill the dragon with fire? Fire cannot kill a dragon! It is known!

The thing I loved most about this episode: The way it opens an entirely new route for the story. At some point, it was going to become labored to try and work the dragon in the basement into every episode, so they did need to get rid of him somehow. This helps Merlin to stand on his own two feet as a character, and spares us from having to listen to Merlin ignore his advice every week. By creating the “last Dragon Lord” element, it retains the dragon as a powerful ally who can be called upon by the story at any time, but let’s the focus shift away from Merlin relying on it for advice. It also gives Merlin personal certainty; he now knows where his magic comes from, and he knows where he comes from. His identity as an unfortunate is being reshaped by his own destiny.

The thing I hated most about this episode: On a personal level, I intensely dislike any storyline wherein a deadbeat dad is found and a reconciliation happens. But that’s just my personal hang up talking.

Something I never noticed before:  I’ve watched this episode about a million times. I’m not sure that there’s anything left to notice.

Favorite Costume: The Dragon Lord coat. Merlin should have stripped this sucker off his dead dad and assumed it as part of his heritage.

Here is proof of some random headcanon I created: I don’t have any from this episode.

What object would Bronwyn steal from this episode?

She has a ton of stuff like that little dragon just laying around, but I suspect she’d still take this.

What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? When Arthur moans Merlin’s name while he’s wounded and senseless with pain.

Check out Jessica Jarman’s take on the episode here

Check out Bronwyn Green’s take on the episode here

That’s it for this week. Join me and Jess (Bronwyn is on vacation) on Monday as we watch S03E01 and S03E02, “The Tears of Uther Pendragon” in a big ole double feature at 8pm EST on the hashtag #MerlinClub.

 

State of The Trout: Exhausted

Hey everybody! Just a quick update to let you know what’s happening. Thank you all for your kind words and your support with the bikini thing. I know it’s a trite and corny thing to say, but I actually have a little more hope for humanity.

So, in case you missed it: I was on Good Morning America and If Ever I Would Leave You came out.

Stuff coming up: I’m in talks with a syndicated daytime show to come on and do a make-over type thing where fat women step out of their comfort zones and do a reveal on TV. Stuff like being afraid to wear a swimsuit or show your arms, that kind of thing. If you’re interested, email me and I’ll forward your name along to the producers.

News on The Ex, The Afflicted, and the sequel to Such Sweet Sorrow: I’m about 40k words into The Ex, and 11k into the sequel to Such Sweet Sorrow. I am hopeful that The Ex will release ahead of the projected spring 2015 date. I’ll reveal the cover at the end of August, and it’s another hot one.

News on the Buffy recap: I swear to you, it’s on the way. I just have a lot to say about this episode, and I’ve been wicked busy. Things are going to calm down, though. I swear this. Don’t give up on me. I won’t give up on you. I’ll never let go, Jack. *Lets you drift gently to your watery grave.*

I’ve been asked to recap an episode of The OC, even though I’ve never watched the show and have no idea what it’s about: SnarkSquad asked me, “Would you recap season one, episode twenty-four of The OC?” and I was like, “I’ve never seen that show ever in my life,” and they were all, “That’s even better!” If you haven’t checked out the recaps, they’re going on right now. I think mine comes out in August or something. I’ll post the link when it goes live. I’m just bringing it up now because I’ve got to do the second half today and turn it in because my deadline is tomorrow and I live on the edge.