Abigail Barnette's Blog, page 95

Merlin Club S03E11: “The Sorceror’s Shadow” or “Filthy Mudblood”

Merlin club is a weekly feature in which Jessica Jarman, Bronwyn Green, and myself gather at 8pm EST to watch an episode of the amazing BBC series Merlin, starring Colin Morgan and literally nobody else I care about except Colin Morgan.

Okay, I lie. A lot of other really cool people are in it, too.

Anyway, we watch the show, we tweet to the hashtag #MerlinClub, and on Fridays we share our thoughts about the episode we watched earlier in the week.

So, here’s a quick rundown of episode eleven: There’s going to be a tournament, because it’s a monday, I guess. (I like to imagine Uther in council meetings with his advisors, and they’re like, “Another tournament, Sire?” and he’s all, “Do you think I built that tournament arena so we could not have tournaments?”) and Dudley Dursley shows up, pissed off from not getting his Hogwarts letter, to compete with the aid of magic. Meanwhile, Uther goes through a midlife crisis, causing him to compete against Arthur. Arthur throws the fight, and Uther is in danger of being killed during the tournament because Dudley is like, “fuck this magic hating dude.” And then Merlin rides in like the back-assward cavalry and stops the perfect assassination.

If I had written this episode, I would have changed: Though I believe this is the last tournament episode in the series, this is like, one tournament too many. There has to be a better way to get a plot to visit Camelot.

The thing I loved most about this episode: Um, a muggle is totally using magic. That is craaaaaazy pants. I also loved the dynamic between Arthur and his father. It’s been a while since we’ve had a reminder that while Uther is just objectively the worst, he’s the only father Arthur has,  and Arthur looks up to him and loves him. So, when shit starts getting bad in the next episodes, you understand why Arthur would fight for his father.

The thing I hated most about this episode: So, a sorcerer was going to kill Uther, using sorcery. And Merlin stopped him. And then he calls Dudley a traitor to magic people.

SCREECHING BRAKES

I can understand Merlin not wanting Uther to die from magic. I really can. Because that’s exactly what ends up happening to him, and Arthur really is all, “magic is terrible, my dad was right.” But if Uther died in a tournament, in a dangerous, hand-to-hand combat environment, who would suspect sorcery? Not Uther. He’s dead. There was no reason that this couldn’t be the perfect hustle, but Merlin had to fuck it up.

Something I never noticed before: That it was Dudley Dursley. Or maybe I have noticed before. Either way, this time it took me by surprise.

Favorite Costume: Uther wore armor.

Here is proof of some random headcanon I created: Remember when I said that I didn’t think that the writers started off with the idea that Uther was Morgana’s dad? Because there were all those moments where it seemed like he wasn’t? Well, here’s thing: we know he’s her dad now. And Morgana is flirting with Uther to manipulate him, but he doesn’t know she’s evil, so… Uther is just letting his daughter flirt outrageously with him.

This is gross. My headcanon for this season is that Uther would have done literally anything to keep Morgana from finding out her true parentage. Literally anything. Are you picking up what I’m putting down here?

I hate Uther so much. He’s such a great villain, but I cannot wait for season four.

What object would Bronwyn steal from this episode? 

 

That spindly little shelf would be covered in pewter unicorns and river stones within seventeen seconds of arriving in her house.

What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? Merlin sharpened Arthur’s sword, and we barely heard the end of it on Twitter.

Check out Jessica Jarman’s take on the episode here

Check out Bronwyn Green’s take on the episode here

That’s it for this week. Join us next week for a Merlin Club double header,  S03E12 and 13, “The Coming of Arthur” Monday,  8pm EST on the hashtag #MerlinClub.

 

An Interview With Plus-Size Model Michelle Landriault

In case I haven’t mentioned it four hundred and thirty times, I’m going to be on The Steve Harvey Show tomorrow,  talking about body positivity. What I haven’t told you (because I was waiting for this post) is that I wasn’t the only woman out there speaking up for large ladies. Fifteen amazing, inspiring, brave women were there, too:

 

These gorgeous ladies were there as part of a life-changing surprise; I had no idea that they would be there, and that they had come because of my Huffington Post essay on wearing a bikini. I was told that I would be interviewed by Mr. Harvey, then take questions from the audience. Instead, after the interview, these fantastic women came out, to wear two-pieces for the first time, on national television, and to tell me that I inspired them to do it.

Look, y’all. I wore my bikini to an ice cold beach. They went on TV.

I better step up my game.

Fifth from the left, in the red bikini, is Michelle Landriault, a plus-size model and blogger from Chicago. She took the challenge, and became one of the fifteen women who made me weep on TV. Today, I’m welcoming her to Trout Nation, to tell us about her experience.

Michelle also interviewed me for her blog, and you can read that here.

So, get to know Michelle after the jump, and if you get The Steve Harvey Show in your area, check your local listings and tune in on Friday, October 17th!

Michelle Landriault, a plus size model, Chicago native, fashion blogger, and the founder and editor of Michelle Swoons. In 2002 I received my certification in Make-Up Artistry and from there successfully transitioned into plus size modeling. I want all my readers to know, “No matter what shape or size you are…love is the only reality. Love yourself and be beautiful at any size”.

The Michelle Swoons blog works to achieve a healthy outlook for women of all shapes and sizes by covering beauty, fashion, and healthy inspirations, all with a personal touch. I believe in a broader standard of beauty beyond the MATTEL image that is so pervasive in today’s society. Despite the number on the scale and regardless of industry standards, women can be beautiful and confident at any size. I like to think of my blog as a way to bring this truth to light. I’m here to bring a fashion edge to my readers. Think of me as your “plus size guru”.

Before the show, had you ever worn a two-piece in public? I had a bunch of 2 pieces that I bought at target before they made those amazing fat-kinis! I would wear them to the pool at my friends house and only around super close family. I would never wear them out to the public pools or the beach. I always knew I was a big girl, and I always kept myself in check when it came to what I wore… but I have to admit I’ve been blessed with really amazing friends and family who’ve always made me feel loved and beautiful. So, you could say I wore whatever I wanted in my protective bubble of family and friends, but out and about I was a little more careful how I presented myself.

How did you get on the show? Did they find your blog, did you email them, how does that process work? I’ve modeled for a few organizations here in Chicago, and one of the boutiques I’ve modeled for posted a little blurb on Facebook about it. From there I emailed my head-shot and body shots over to the producers and they loved me! I had a Skype interview with one of the producers who told me I would be in the top 3 girls, and they wanted me to share my story on the show. I was truly blessed, and the Steve Harvey Organization was a VERY positive and friendly team.

Did you know ahead of time that you’d be wearing a two-piece on the show? I wore a two-piece to the beach. The beach is one thing, but this is national television. What was the rationale behind going on TV in a bikini?  When I submitted my head-shots to the show and talked to the producer originally I did not know that I would be wearing a bikini. When I had my Skype interview, that is when she told me everything. I was a little shocked, and my gut dropped a bit, but she asked me would you be able to do this, and the words YES were out of my mouth before I had a chance to really think about everything. She also told me that Mod Cloth was making us some amazing suits, and that everything would be done tastefully and professionally. They really had it together. Going on the show, I was so nervous but I didn’t let that stop me. I also didn’t do this for myself… I did this for that younger girl who’s afraid to move out of the shadows. Going on TV in a bikini was TERRIFYING, walking out on stage and seeing all those people was really moving and scary.

I started to cry when we first came out thinking of the girl that I was at a young age. It was really hard in high school being a young chubby girl. I just wanted that girl to know that things will be alright, and no matter how bad it might be right now, it’s not always going to be that way. I didn’t always have this strong and positive group of friends in my life, that all came later when I came out of my shell a bit. High school was a mess for me, and I had a really hard time coping with all that. I just wanted those viewers that might be struggling with bullies or self esteem issues to know that things WILL get better, and if takes my big butt in a bikini to realize that.. then sister here I am baring it all for you. You never know what you can do someday for someone you’ve never even met.

That’s actually what made me do this. I was having a little rough spot in my life a little while ago, and after reading your blog, Jenny and seeing you out there baring it all, it really made me realize there is more to life then feeling sorry for yourself, or apologizing for your size. I remember going on a flight to see my husband, he lived over-seas for a bit and I had to travel to see him. I couldn’t fit in the plane seat and I was completely mortified. Everyone was staring at me and making me feel like a total loser. I wanted to crawl under a rock, because A.) I didn’t realize until that moment how big I had actually gotten, and B.) I COULDN’T hide! I couldn’t hide anywhere… everyone knew I was a chubster and I couldn’t get my butt in the damn seat. The people who worked for the airline were really nice, and moved me to an area where I could life the handle of the seat up, but it was just terrifying. After that I went in a downward spiral and just didn’t want to do anything. I hated what happened… So seeing YOU in a bikini really helped ME, I guess I wanted to do the same and pay it forward.

What did your family and friends think when you told them you were going to be on the show? My mom FREAKED! She was not happy with my decision at all, most of my friends were like “OHHHHH GIRLLLLL GET IT!!!!” So I had a mixed reaction from everyone. I didn’t tell too many people though. This was something I was doing on a deeper level, and I wasn’t going to let anyone stop me. My Daddy would have been proud, and I know once my mom see’s the show she will be too.

What was your day at The Steve Harvey Show like? It’s off topic, but I’m curious and I want to compare. My day was awesome! I got up early and headed down in my car to the NBC tower. I live in the burbs so I fought that morning traffic but I made it on time. Our call time was 10am for hair, makeup, and to change. They had me in my bikini by 10:30am. They had robes for us that were really comfy so that was nice, and they were hiding us from everyone so they had us in the back room’s all together, It was a really nice bonding time. There were 15 of us, and 3 of us that had special stories to share, so we were talking about that and meeting with the producers to go over everything the day of. They had me in make-up and hair around 11ish and I felt SO much better after that. I loved my makeup artist she was the main artist for the show, and she is SO TALENTED! I also had my hair in this big pinned up curls by then so I felt so pampered and glam.

So there I was just bonding with my bikini, becoming one with her and getting to know her before I went into body make-up. They covered my tattoos and make sure I had a little tan going. Everyone I came into contact with that day was a powerhouse of positivity and really knew how to make someone feel special. From the hair and make-up team, to the stage hands who helped us rehearse, I was in heaven.

At one moment I had to use the washroom and they had let us know that you already arrived. So, we were on lock down for the rest of the day. They were really serious about us surprising you and THAT was awesome! anyway, I had to go potty so they escorted me to the bathroom and we ran into some audience members they told me not to talk to anyone just get in and out. I felt like a secret service agent!

You’re a plus-sized woman, and you run a beauty and fashion blog. What do you think the biggest problem with plus-sized clothes today is? Like, if you had to rank all of the myriad problems, which would you put at the top? I have to be honest, I am a shop-a-holic. I like to use my blog as an excuse for shopping because I really need to keep up with the trends and do my investigating. I will say that I have many beefs with plus-size shopping. My main issue is the price. If you want to get some decent quality clothes the you better be ready to drop some green, because everything is super expensive! Thank god I have credit cards because I would NEVER be able to update my closet without them. I also notice that there are not a lot of options in designer brands. Not that they would be something I would afford, but if I did have the money there is nothing for me out there. I cannot fathom why its the norm to pay $60.00 for a pair of jeans. The industry really price gouges the plus size woman with style.

What’s something that you want to share with other plus-sized women about your experience on the show? I just wanted everyone to know how amazing the Steve Harvey show was. I am so honored to be in this group that was featured. I feel like this is going to be a game changer for a lot of people out there. Its time to stand up ladies. You CAN do this!

You can find Michelle’s blog at MichelleSwoons.com. She’s also on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/MichelleResi82), Instagram, (http://instagram.com/MichelleSwoons), Twitter (twitter.com/michelleswoons), and YouTube (www.youtube.com/user/affairsmagmichelle).

ºººº

I want to thank every woman who came out to be a part of this amazing surprise, and I want to thank The Steve Harvey Show for making it all happen. It was a life-changing event, and I will never, ever forget it.

Wednesday Blogging: If they’re not real, it’s not creepy behavior

I am a crush slut. I will crush on anyone, anywhere, any place, any time. Some of my crushes have passed into legend. Okay, well. One of them. We all know which one that is.

But the point is, I just have a lot of love to give. And that love is usually expressed through… erotic daydreams about unobtainable people. It’s not weird if they’re not real people, though! It’s not creepy if you want to bang characters who just happen to look exactly like people you would totally bang in real life. Or, people in books who you lovingly fashion into a mental facsimile of those aforementioned bangable people.

Let’s just start, shall we?

#1, Rupert Giles. Duh.

Where do I even begin explaining how much I love Giles? I seriously could write this entire post about him. First of all, if we’re ranking seasons, season six was when Giles was at his absolute hottest:

And he’s here to AVERT THE APOCALYPSE with A BUNCH OF MAGIC that he totally took on as a weapon even though dabbling with magic led to the death of his friends in his DARK AND TRAGIC PAST but NO BIG DEAL GUYS HE’S JUST DOING WHAT HE HAS TO IN ORDER TO SAVE THE WORLD.

Also, one time, he bought a magic store and spent part of season five in hot-dad-doing-weekend-chores clothes:

 

He’s also the cause of some absolutely shattering second-hand embarrassment:

But he will chainsaw through a haunted house to rescue you if you are… trapped in a haunted house.

I know that’s really specific in terms of attributes, but it’s important.

 

#2, Dr. Mindy Lahiri.

First of all, this is not a “girl crush.”Girl crush implies platonic, and I’m sorry, but I want to marry Mindy, or live with her in sin, either way. And I want to adopt a baby together that we would name Bailey and we would all dress up in themed family Halloween costumes like the Harris-Burtka family. And Bailey doesn’t mouth off as much as my actual IRL kids do. And she likes my family costume ideas.

Mindy and I would get along well because we have very similar lives.

We have the same pet peeves.

And we have oddly similar psych-up techniques.

If I were not already married to one of my soul mates, I would invent a machine so I could go into the TV and be with her. And I know you’re thinking, “But Jenny, Mindy Lahiri is into guys,” but I’ve got an imaginary machine that fixes that, too, so shut up and stop trying to tell me what to think about in the shower. You don’t know my life!

#3, Malcolm Tucker

As some of my dear friends might tell you, I’m a bit of a profanity artist myself. I am prone to grand, dramatic outbursts of obscenity when I’m angry. For example, two nights ago, while venting my rage about someone else to Bronwyn Green, and the least offensive thing I said about this person was, “Take your ancient vagina out to the ice flow with all the other mummified skanks, [awful person's name].” The least offensive.

I have a crush on Malcolm Tucker because I find the idea of being able to let all of my bile just spew forth, like a toddler having a tantrum, to be very freeing. I have elaborate daydreams of getting into a shouting match with him, and saying the most horrible, disgusting things ever, and knowing that whatever I’m going to say is going to sound less assholeish than the stuff he’s going to say.

I’m also kind of a masochist, so I like hearing the shitty things people have to say about me.

I also feel a very strong kinship with Malcolm over one particular line:

Every time the Sunshine Sisterhood rears its adorably pink-cheeked face, I think of this scene. And I think to myself, “What would Malcolm Tuck do?” And then I don’t do that, because I want people to still like me. But I do imagine what it would be like to do what he would do, and the satisfaction is near-sexual in its intensity. I guess you could say that I don’t so much have a crush on Malcolm Tucker, as much as I have a crush on the idea of letting the awful, Malcolm Tucker-flavored bit of me just run (awkwardly) screaming through the streets.

So, those are three of my many fictional crushes. Who are the other Wednesday bloggers crushing on?

Bronwyn Green • Jessica Jarman • Kellie St. James • Kayleigh Jones

 Gwendolyn Cease • Kris Norris

State of The Trout: I forgot the headline again edition

Did anybody watch Doctor Who this weekend? Did it seem… shippy to anyone else? Because it seemed like they were trying to make it shippy. Like, an Amy choosing between Rory and The Doctor thing? Don’t mind me over here. I swear to God, it’s not a ship thing, the only Doctor/companion ships I’ve ever sailed were Eight/Grace and Ten/Rose, and those had canonical basis. Though I find Peter Capaldi unbearably attractive (well, really, only as Malcolm, because I’m attracted to incredibly grumpy, surly types of people–you should meet my husband), and you know I dig that May/December vibe, I don’t think I’m imagining this. Let’s go down to the tennis court and talk it out like yeah (and by “tennis court” I mean, “comments section”).

Chapter six of The Afflicted is available on Wattpad. If you’re new around here, I’m writing a New Adult/Horror/Historical novel as a serial on Wattpad, and the latest installment is here. If you’re a writer who has a project you really love, but you feel like you never have time to work on it or it will just never get out there in front of readers, Wattpad is a really good platform. It gives you a reason to work on the project steadily without feeling like you’re taking time away from the work you “should” be doing. Without Wattpad, this story would have probably just stayed on my hard drive until I got discouraged and deleted it.

@Mitzy247  crowned me the pope of Joelism, and @necrophidian willed it into being: 

Note the autographed sash. If you’re not following me on Twitter (@Jenny_Trout), this is the stuff you’re missing out on.

Set your DVRs for The Steve Harvey Show on October 17th! My BFF Jill did, and this is what she saw:

Oh, and I have a photo from the show that I’m allowed to share with you! Here’s me, on The Steve Harvey Show:

I hope everyone who gets the show in their area can check it out! And if anyone records it and wants to send me a copy, that would be rad, because I don’t have TV. I’m too cheap to pay for cable.

 

 

 

Merlin Club S03E10, “Queen of Hearts,” or “Rube Goldberg plot.”

Merlin club is a weekly feature in which Jessica Jarman, Bronwyn Green, and myself gather at 8pm EST to watch an episode of the amazing BBC series Merlin, starring Colin Morgan and literally nobody else I care about except Colin Morgan.

Okay, I lie. A lot of other really cool people are in it, too.

Anyway, we watch the show, we tweet to the hashtag #MerlinClub, and on Fridays we share our thoughts about the episode we watched earlier in the week.

So, here’s a quick rundown of episode ten: Morgana has a dream about Gwen taking the throne as queen of Camelot beside Arthur. Since the throne should be Morgana’s birthright, she’s pretty pissed off about this. She uses her knowledge of Arthur and Gwen’s secret romance to create a trap in which Uther discovers them. When Arthur confesses his love for Gwen, Uther banishes her. So Morgana frames Gwen for sorcery, and Merlin uses a potion to age himself and come forward as the sorcerer who put a love spell on Arthur and Gwen. Once he’s sentenced to death, though, he can’t return to his normal self. Gaius manages to get a potion to him just in time and Gwen is unbanished, but now she and Arthur can never express their love ever again while Uther is alive.

If I had written this episode, I would have changed: I feel like Morgana’s original plan was bound to backfire on her; Uther reacted basically the way a king would react. “Oh, you’re nailing this serving girl? Okay. No big.” All Arthur really had to do was keep his fucking mouth shut. Morgana should have gone with just framing Gwen for magic in the first place. She didn’t even have to involve Arthur. She could have just been like, “I think my maid changed her eye color with magic,” and Uther would have been like, “Bring me my condemning stick!”

The thing I loved most about this episode: Merlin pretending to be Dragoon the Great, obviously.

Also, when Uther is interrogating Gwen, before he gets all shouty and his voice is real low and dangerous… that’s Dom!Neil’s voice, all the way.

The thing I hated most about this episode: I just hate that Morgana jumps tracks and is all, “I better kill Gwen,” when killing Arthur would have solved two problems at once. I feel like Morgana never becomes a very smart villain.

Something I never noticed before:  In addition to darkening eyeshadow, Morgana’s evil nature has resulted in an extreme side-part.

Favorite Costume: 

Here is proof of some random headcanon I created: None for this episode, besides that nonstop slash vibes between Morgana and her alleged sister.

What object would Bronwyn steal from this episode? You know how sometimes I joke and put a picture of Bradley James and imply it’s what she wants? This time, he’s actually just blocking our view of the chair she would take:

What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? First of all, I know she’s geeked by the fact that Arthur almost recognizes Merlin when he’s pretending to be Dragoon the Great. Second, I know for a fact that she loves the scene where Merlin, as Dragoon in disguise, tells off Arthur for treating his servant badly.

Check out Jessica Jarman’s take on the episode here

Check out Bronwyn Green’s take on the episode here

That’s it for this week. Join us next week for S03E11, “The Sorcerer’s Shadow,” Monday,  8pm EST on the hashtag #MerlinClub.

 

THE EX, Coming November 22, 2014

You heard right. November 22, 2014. That’s when you’ll have more Neil and Sophie.

 

Magazine editor-in-chief, bride-to-be, and soon-to-be-step-grandmother at twenty-six, Sophie Scaife is looking forward to married life with her fiancé and Dom, wickedly sadistic billionaire Neil Elwood. As they enter unexplored sensual territory, Neil leads Sophie to the very edge between pain and pleasure—and she discovers a surprising new side to her sexuality.

While Sophie balances her hectic work routine with her devotion to her unconventional family, Neil has to adjust to life as a retired mogul. With their big day drawing nearer, they have to forge through pre-wedding jitters, personal crises, and an unexpected houseguest to get to their kinky ever after.

But a decades old trauma still haunts Neil. When the private details draw public interest, Sophie learns that the scars of his past are greater than he let on—and he’ll need all of her love to heal them…

As ever, I’m relying on the power of asking to get the word about this book out there to readers. So, I’m asking you guys to share this link, recommend the series, share the cover, anything you’d be cool with helping me out with. I appreciate every bit of the word of mouth you guys send out there.

I’ll have more information about pre-order and paperback release date as it becomes available.

Jealous Hater’s Book Club: Apolonia, chapter one

And so, it begins. I haven’t even posted a single recap, and already I’ve got people coming out of the woodwork to tell me what a big, giant mean person I am. Last night, I made the mistake of checking my email while I was drunk (which is a state I’ve only been in precisely once in the past three years. I only had a glass and a half of champagne last night). Author Abbi Glines dropped  by my Apolonia read-along post to stick up for Jamie and her book, which was a labor of love and should be protected from the harsh criticism I had yet to dole out.

Then she got on twitter and subtweeted about it, I got bitchy then blocked her, because I had dentist appointment this morning and I didn’t want go in with a bunch of cavities from saccharine-dripping “BE NICE” scoldings.

Since we’re starting off strong with a public spat, it might be a good time to make a FAQ for everybody that’s going to come here in defense of McGuire or the book.

Yes, I actually do have to criticize another author’s work to get people to read my blog. Well, some people, anyway. There are a lot of readers who come here for a lot of reasons. But a great, great many of them found this place when I took apart 50 Shades of Grey. So, yes. Recaps are a huge part of this blog’s popularity. So, it’s not an insult to say, “You have to do this to get people to read your blog.” It’s my job description. If WebMD stopped telling you that you have cholera of the butt crack, you’d stop going there.

But even though people found me through “tearing down” someone else’s work, many of them stay for mine.

How would I feel if someone did snarky recaps of my work? I’d be pissed off if they tried it and they weren’t at least as funny as I am.

Books are not babies, and nobody cares how hard you worked on them. I’ve written lots of books that I’ve worked super hard on, and they don’t sell well or get great reviews, for whatever reason. That doesn’t mean I get to tell everyone to stop talking about the bad parts of them. The only person who cares about how hard I worked on them is me. No one cares about the work that goes into something, they care about the quality. If you took your car to a mechanic and they were like, “Hey, here’s the car back, I worked really hard on it, that’ll be $1200 bucks,” and your drive shaft sheered off and pole-vaulted your car into a ditch a mile down the road, are you going to go tell people, “Yeah, you should totally go to Dan, he’s a great mechanic, he works really hard?”

Authors say all the time, “I worked really hard on this, so I’m excited to share this with you, hope you like it,”or “I worked really hard on this, but its failure disappointed me,” but it’s bullshit to say, “I worked really hard on this, so you can’t criticize it.”

Spite may have driven me to return to book recapping, but I’m still doing it honestly. My recaps are harsh, because I’m harsh when I’m reading a book. And it’s easier to be harsh when you just plain don’t like someone. It would have been easy to go, “Fuck it, everyone wants me to recap Beautiful Disaster? Fine.” And it would have been easy to tear that book to pieces, because so many people have told me, “Oh, it’s got so much abuse in it, it’s worst than 50 Shades of Grey,” etc. But I picked this book because I didn’t know anything about it and didn’t have any pre-formed opinions about the content.

The reason my recaps of 50 Shades of Grey were so harsh was that the books promoted misogyny, abuse, rape culture, and unsafe BDSM practices. It was plagiarized and poorly written. As long as this book doesn’t do any of that, then all this will be is a recounting of my honest thoughts when I’m reading the book–like talking back at the TV when you’re alone.

And who knows? Maybe I’ll really like this book. It seems a tad premature to be making judgements about mean I’m being to this book; as I write this, I haven’t even begun writing the first recap yet.

My recaps made at least a few more sales for E.L. James. Maybe not in any measurable sense that would be missed when compared to the amount of mountain of sales that were pouring in already, but they’re there. I’ve lost count of the number of people who have told me that they bought the entire 50 Shades of Grey series specifically because of my recaps. They’d never intended to read the books until my recaps.

So, slow your roll, Sunshine Sisterhood, put your “BE NICE” pitchforks aside, and shut your hablaholes.

So, let’s get started with chapter one of Apolonia, by Jamie McGuire.

I hope that wasn’t too harsh already.

Since a lot of you have said you learned writing tips from my 50SoG recaps, I thought that this time, when I address an issue or a bit that I think could be strengthened, I’ll just mark it out. I’ve noticed that McGuire and I make a lot of the same grammatical mistakes, so hopefully this will be a learning experience for me, too.

They’d killed me, but I survived. While lying on the hotel floor, my long black hair saturated with blood, I’d thought my life was over, except it wasn’t.

Okay, so right off the bat we’re seeing a good start. The heroine isn’t dead at the beginning of the book. Score.

Writing Tip: Look at the paragraph. The first sentence and the end of the second sentence say the same thing. Without the first sentence, the paragraph would be stronger. The first sentence switches tense. The second sentence is run-on and could have been split at  [I make a ton of run-ons in my work. These are hard.]

We get some background on how the main character had woken up in a hospital with her whole family and her best friend dead. So, it sounds like they were murdered. But then:

Their sacrifice had begun first, and so their murders had been more thorough.

Okay, were her parents in a cult? Or was it one of these situations?:

Always make sure your house isn’t on any kind of famous murders tour.

When it was time for mine, our killers had been too drunk and too high to be careful–at least, that was what police report had said.

Okay. It sounds like some murderers were sacrificing them. Got it.

So, five months after the murders, main character has gone to college, and is a freshman at Kempton Institute of Technology, where, courtesy of a DORM ROOM MIRROR…

Standing in front of my dorm room mirror, naked, I racked back my too-long black bangs. Most girls gained a freshman fifteen. I’d been steadily losing weight for two years.

Why, why, why do we keep having these heroines who find that the best diet is emotional upheaval? In 50 Shades of Grey, Ana gets too stressed out to eat. In New Moon, one of Bella’s depression symptoms is that she doesn’t eat and becomes romantically (in context) pale and wan. And I know I’ve read more than one book this year wherein the heroine was so damaged that she was painfully slender, and therefore accidentally hot. I think the reason we’re seeing so much of this is because of the “You don’t know you’re beautiful/that’s what makes you beautiful” cultural meme that is more popular now than ever. A heroine can’t look at her body and say, “I’m thin,” not without sounding too vain for boys to find her unintentionally beautiful. Because we tie a woman’s worth her appearance, and men are interested in finding women who don’t know their value, so that they can treat them as though they’re worth nothing. But heroines like this up the ante; they don’t know they’re beautiful, and their beauty is the result of horrible trauma.

It’s very gothic. But also, very troubling.

Main character begins cutting her hair:

The scissors cut away all but four or five inches on top. I ran my fingers over what was left. It felt so good. The sides and a bit of the back were shaved, and the hair left on top nearly grazed my jawline. It was appalling. It was liberating.

I loved it.

I think we’re all fully aware that serious trauma can cause drastic changes in behavior and appearance. I just hope that were I killed in some kind of human sacrifice scenario, that my daughter would find a way to express her sorrow that isn’t just stereotypical freshman year of college rebellion.

The reason she cut her hair, though, is because she’s haunted by the memory of having blood in it. So, fair enough. But she’s also got a nose ring, hoodie, gray skinny jeans and a Kurt Cobain t-shirt, so… some of that is teen rebellion. She even mentions:

[...]had she been alive, my mother would have died all over again at the sight.

We also learn on this page that people don’t notice her around campus.

Class one of week one of my junior year at KIT was Geobiology and Astrobiology with renowned astrobiologist, Dr. A. Byron Zorba.

Not anymore!

Now, wait a second. Just a few pages ago she was worried about gaining the freshman fifteen, and she said:

Five months after losing Sydney and my parents, I’d left for the quaint college town of Helena, Indiana, four states away. I’d gone from murder victim to a freshman at Kempton Institute of Technology.

Can you see why I was confused here?

No matter which year of college she’s in, she’s a research assistant to Dr. Zoidberg, who was a long-time friend of her father’s. Main Character had also looked up to him during her childhood.

The daughter of two idealistic scientists, I not only didn’t fit in with other children, but I also had no interest in conformity.

This seems someone at odds with her comment about her mother dropping dead from shock at short hair.

When most children were pretending to be firemen or superheroes, I was working toward the Nobel Prize in my cardboard lab. Barbies and boys bored me, and I was sure I bored them.

Dr. Zoidberg took Main Character under his wing in the aftermath of her family’s death, and made sure she used her inheritance to go to college. He also gave her the paid internship so that she could make some money, since her parents didn’t leave her much.

She also says that Dr. Zoidberg filled out her college application for her. I wish he would share it, because I’m dying to know Main Character’s name.

Dr. Zoidberg has recently been on an Antarctic expedition, and he’s brought home a rock. Main Character’s job is recording data about the rock.

I don’t know much about science, but that sounds kind of vague.

She goes to her seat in class and runs into Benji Reynolds, a guy who is apparently persistent in his quest for Main Character’s attention.

I had hoped the new do would scare him away. He was clearly a mama’s boy and far too attractive and happy to appeal to me.

Yeah, I only like ugly, pissed-off guys, too.

You know what would have been a good place to tell us Main Character’s name? When Benji walked up to her. He could have said, “Hi, Main Character,” instead of just “hey!” the way he did.

Good thing another student, Stephanie Becker, is sitting nearby. She addresses Benji by name, so surely she’ll do the same for Main Character:

“Hi, Benji,” Stephanie Becker lilted from her seat. She was short but had stunning curves, and she twirled a piece of her long blonde hair while staring at him with the most ridiculous look on her face. Her head was tilted and her eyes clouded over when Benji looked for the source of his spoken name.

Oh. Well, that wasn’t very helpful of you, Stephanie Becker.

Benji is friendly and quick to return his attention to Main Character.

Even if he did have a strong jawline and a sweet disposition, I still couldn’t see him as anything but…well, Benji.

“This girl is attractive. I am not attractive. This attractive boy likes me most.”

Maybe that’s me being harsh, but how else do you spin this? It, like heroines who don’t know they’re beautiful (that’s what makes them beautiful) is another YA/NA trope that we see too much of. A girl who doesn’t think much of herself, but who is thought highly of by an attractive boy.

Benji sat next to me, and I glared at him.

“It’s okay if I sit here, right?” he asked.

“No.”

He laughed. His teeth were too straight, and his posture was too perfect. “You’re so funny. Your hair is…wow” he said, trying to find the best inoffensive adjective.

Hey, Benji? I have to tell you something.

Benji. Benji…

I have to tell you something. Benji.

BENJI I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!

Writing Tip: It’s difficult to tell if Benji knows that Main Character is joking, or if he just thinks she’s joking. This is an important distinction to make.

 

This hot guy wears white oxford shirts, but buttons them at the wrist. He tells Main Character she could shave her whole head, and she would still be beautiful.

Any other girl at Kempton would have jumped at the chance to date him. It wasn’t that he was unattractive–quite the opposite.

No shit?

Main Character just isn’t into this guy. Which is fine. But why do we have to hear about how hot he is, if she doesn’t like him in that way? If you answered, “Because an attractive guy liking her instead of other girls increases her value as a person,” then you get a cookie. But the cookie is poisoned with the tears of every woman who came before.

Dr. Zoidberg notices that she’s in the room:

“Rory! I almost didn’t recognize you! I sent you an email! Did you get it?”

RORY! Her name is Rory. Jesus, how hard was that. Thank you, Dr. Zoidberg.

There’s a physical description of Dr. Zorba, but I’m not going to tell you what it is because I insist you imagine Dr. Zoidberg for the rest of these recaps forever. It makes this a Futurama AU fic in which Zoidberg inhabits a world where someone loves him.

[poor Zoidberg]

Rory opens the email, and it’s a ton of data he’s gotten about the rock. She agrees that she’ll talk to Dr. Zoidberg about it later.

The disappointment in his eyes was evident, but it was a rock. Granted, its material hadn’t been recorded on Earth, ever, so that meant it had come from somewhere in the universe. An alien rock. If we still thought the world was flat or if we weren’t aware of the surrounding universe, I could understand Dr. Z’s excitement, but as it was, it was… boring.

Your teacher went to Antarctica, brought back a 27 lb. chunk of mineral that has never been found on earth before, and it’s boring? What the fuck does science have to do to impress you?

Space rock? Girl who survived being used as a human sacrifice? As I may have said before,

You know, I think the last book I read in which the main character had less interest in the plot than I did was The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy. So, this has potential.

Rory hears Dr. Zoidberg tell someone named Cyrus to see him after class to discuss him becoming a research assistant. And Rory gets super jealous.

I looked in the same direction as Dr. Z to a pair of dark topaz eyes surrounded by olive skin. The male gender wasn’t something I was preoccupied with, so the twinge I felt in my stomach took me by surprise. It didn’t matter. I already hated him.

I don’t want to jump to any preposterous conclusions here, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the other leg of a love triangle has arrived.

He seemed forced–his movements, his expressions–as if he were trying too hard to blend in.

I’m calling this one, too. This guy is going to turn out to be an alien.

Rory thinks some hateful thoughts about Cyrus, then class starts and Dr. Zoidberg goes over the syllabus. Benji invites Rory to go running with him, even though she doesn’t run. She should just really start. Ugh, those people who insist that other people start running, just because they like it? They’re the fucking worst. I know this, because I do that.

We learn that Cyrus has a slight British accent, and that he’s Egyptian, after he asks a question and Dr. Zoidberg asks him where he’s from. And then Dr. Z is like, “‘We’ll have much to talk about,’” and it’s like… um. Just because he’s Egyptian? You realize he doesn’t know the aliens who built the pyramids, right?

Turns out, Cyrus is the guy in class who asks a million questions, but Rory is like, you know, at least these are good questions, and class gets out twenty minutes early. Cyrus goes to talk to Dr. Z, and Rory busts into the conversation and gets all combative when Dr. Z says that Cyrus just came back from Mali:

“Oh?” I said with cold eyes. “You have family there?”

“No,” Cyrus said flatly.

He didn’t offer further explanation, so I stared at him until he became uncomfortable and looked away. That was my very favorite thing to do to everyone.

Come on, Rory. Give me something to work with here. I want to like you. You’re not a sixteen year old, you’re in college. The anti-social thing is really played out by junior year of college.

Dr. Zoidberg introduces Cyrus to Rory as “third member of our team,” and Rory goes:

“Are you replacing me?” I asked, my heart pounding. My assistant job was connected to my scholarship. If Cyrus stole it from me, I could be in real danger of losing that money. It was too late to find a student position that wasn’t already taken.

Yeah, but you just told us all about how Dr. Z has taken you under his wing and how he’s an old family friend and everything. Do you really think he’s going to leave you out in the cold here? Plus, he said, “third member of our team.” I feel like if you’re going to be a scientist, you should probably have been able to do that math.

Rory tells Dr. Z that they don’t need another research assistant, because she’s there over holidays and on weekends, anyway, but that’s precisely why Dr. Z has brought Cyrus on. He wants her to have more free time, and not be in the lab every hour of every day.

But Rory still doesn’t feel right about all this. It’s not like Dr. Z to just randomly take on students he doesn’t know as his lab assistants. And something about Cyrus just still seems off to her. It’s because he’s an alien, of course. We know that, but she doesn’t. I think for the moment, she’s just afraid that he’s going to somehow manipulate her out of her job. But it’s not real clear.

Hey, does it mention him being an alien in the blurb? I didn’t read the blurb, and I’m not going to be cause I want to forge ahead not knowing anything. But tell me if it says anything about him being an alien.

Anyway, then Rory notices it’s raining outside:

I loved fall up until the night I died. Now, it just seemed ominous.

Writing Tip: The first sentence describes actions that have been completed in the past. She loved fall, then she died, she doesn’t like fall. So it should be in past perfect: I’d loved fall up until the night I’d died. I haven’t read anything else by McGuire. Does she write her other books in present tense? Because I normally write in past tense, and when I’m writing in first person present, I find myself accidentally switching to past tense.

In any case, Rory ends the chapter still concerned that she’s going to lose her assistant position:

Cyrus could take his thought-provoking, eloquently worded questions and shove them up his ass.

Well. Tell us how you really feel.

I hope that in chapter two, we see a lot more about the space rock and the murder cult, less about Rory’s misanthropic routine.

 

Watch me on The Steve Harvey show!

Last month, I visited the lovely city of Chicago to film The Steve Harvey Show. It was a super awesome time, life changing thing for me, and I’m really excited for everyone to see it! Because it’s syndicated, you’ll have to check your local listings, but the episode airs on October 17th. I’ll also be sharing some fun stuff related to filming the show that I couldn’t share with you before now, and I’ll introduce you to another fantastic body positive blogger!

So, set your DVRs and stuff!

Jenny Reads: UR JUST JEALOUS edition

Lately, I have learned a horrible truth about myself.

I, Jenny Trout… am a hater.

After my post about Jamie McGuire and Dear Author, so many ardent McGuire defenders contacted me to inform me of my hater status. I’m apparently a common breed of hater, odium zelosus vulgaris, or, “the common jealous hater.” I guess it’s a kind of bird.

It isn’t. Sorry, I was just trying to impress you. I’m not a bird.

The truth is, I’ve never even read McGuire’s work. Maybe I’m missing out on something I would really like. Maybe it’s time for a read-along.

To those of you who have been begging me to recap Beautiful Disaster for the past year, I’m sorry, but today is not the day you get great news. See, I already know enough about Beautiful Disaster to know that I’m not going to be able to overcome my bias toward it. You’ve all told me about the horrific perpetuation of abuse and rape culture in that book, and since I’m already not impressed with the author’s behavior, it would be even harder to remain objective from page one. Also, I’ve already done my time on Abusive Crapfest Island, thank you very much.

So, what to do? Well, you’re in luck, because before yesterday, I’d heard literally nothing about McGuire’s latest release, Apolonia, aside from the title. I got really excited and bought it because I assumed it would be the POV switch retelling of Purple Rain that we all need and deserve. It’s not. It’s a Sci-Fi New Adult book with nary a mention of Morris Day in it. But this gives us an opportunity, dear reader, to experience this book together. It will be a magical journey, and who knows? At the end, maybe I’ll be a new fan.

If you’re planning to read with me, get yourself a copy of Apolonia. We’ll make this like a book club. Or, we’ll all get pecked to death by my gnashing beak and giant claws.

I may or may not have lied about being a bird.

Cindy: A new web series from the producer of Beetlejuice

Ever since I saw Amanda Palmer’s life-changing TED Talk about the power of asking, I’ve had a massive soft spot in my heart for indie projects. If I’d never opened my heart and embraced a new, independent path, The Boss would have never been written, let alone spawned an entire series. I’d still be waiting for an opportunity to come along for me, instead of making opportunities for myself. So, when Larry Wilson, producer and co-writer of Beetlejuice and writer of The Addams Family contacted me and told me about his independent web series project, Cindy, I was like, “Of course I’ll tell everybody in the entire universe about this, because you made Beetlejuice and gave my inner Lydia Deetz permission to weird out all over the place.”

Well, not exactly that. I didn’t want to sound like a weirdo. But whatever the actual wording was, it was juuuust about that creepy and fangirly.

So, let me give you the scoop on Cindy. Billed as a “happily never after” dark comedy, Cindy is a contemporary retelling of Cinderella set in a bleak world where reality television and magic collide.

Cindy is a foster child (read: servant/personal assistant/au pair) in a dysfunctional reality TV family. Her foster mother, Rayveen, is the star of a hit reality show. Her “handsome prince” is a marbles-obsessed middle-aged guy. She has horrible and annoying “step-shits.” And a production assistant wants to make Cindy the next breakout reality television star… by filming her interactions with her magic dust addicted fairy godmother.

I’m really excited about this show, guys. But I have to admit, after watching the promo videos on YouTube, the character I’m dying to see more of is Tuesday, one of the twin step-shits:

I honestly think this girl is going to steal the entire show.

So, here’s the thing: Cindy is independent. They’re running a Kickstarter to help with the costs of producing the first season. They’ve got twenty-four days left, and they’re a little under halfway to their goal. They’ve got some really neat incentives for lower level donations, and if you’re a film buff, you can get some awesome autographed posters. Or, if you’re a high-roller and are intrigued by the concept, you can donate at the upper levels and receive an associate-producer or producer credit on the series, or private lessons in film writing from Wilson himself. Just in case any of you out there really are high rollers.

I know that not everyone can donate to this type of thing, so if that applies to you, but the project intrigues you, do the cast and crew a giant favor and share the Kickstarter or promotional videos on social media.

So, yeah. This is me, selfishly saying, “Help this happen so I can watch it.” In an effort to downplay this shameless self-interest, I’m doing another “Big Damn Self-Promotion Post.” Go there and leave info about your projects, your kickstarters, your blog, whatever you want to promote.