Abigail Barnette's Blog, page 83

Wednesday Blogging: Favorite Beauty Products

I haven’t done Wednesday blogging in a while. What can I say? I have commitment problems. But this Wednesday, I have the opportunity to tell you all about my favorite beauty products. So I’m about to.

Note: As I started writing this, I realized I started to fall in and out Sophie’s voice. Sophie’s entire personality is the part of me that cares deeply for indulgent goodies and stuff that paints up your face like a goddamn work of art.

The Perfect Red Lipstick

You know what I love about red lipstick? Even if you have no other makeup on, even if your hair is in a scrunchie you’ve had since 1991 and you haven’t showered in three days because your hot water heater is broken, red lipstick transforms you into a deity of pure, attractive badassitude. But finding the right red? Ha, good luck. But last fall, I found two amazing shades of red that look perfect on me.

Urban Decay’s “Mrs. Mia Wallace,” from their Pulp Fiction collection, and MAC’s “Viva Glam Rihanna 1.” One or both are always in my purse.

Eye Liner Pens

I will never use pencil or gel again. Whoever invented the eye liner pen, which is a very fine felt-tip marker with eye liner instead of ink. My favorite is Stila’s “Stay All Day” waterproof eyeliner.

 

I love to do cat eyes and wings, but when I was using gel, it was anyone’s guess how it would turn out, and pencil rubbed right off. This thing? This thing is pro. It’s not as dark as Urban Decay’s eyeliner pen, but I’ve always found that the Urban Decay pen gives you a very finite amount of time to do your lines, or it starts lifting as you overlap the color. This, you can go over and over the line until it’s just right, and it’s much easier to remove in case of mistakes.

Bubble Bars

Lush bubble bars leave your skin soft and smelling amazing. Also, lots and lots of bubbles, for taking bathtub selfies while you’re high and sending them to all of your friends.

 

Eyeshadow Primer

Urban Decay’s Eyeshadow Primer Potion is the best primer I’ve ever used. If I fall into bed without taking my makeup off (i.e., every single time I wear makeup), my eyeshadow, eyeliner, it’s all still on, pretty much perfect when I wake up in the morning. It’s sorcery.

 

Eyelash Curler

The only eyelash curler I’ve ever purchased that didn’t make me furious within four or five uses.  Yay, Tarte!

Bonus? It comes with a free sample of their Lights, Camera, Lashes mascara. Which is also in the running for my favorite mascara of all time.

Three Hundred Dollar Face Cream

Okay, let’s just establish that this is not something that I bought. It was given to me as a gift from a website I was writing for. And I will never, ever have it again:

 

This shit was something else. It made my face so tight, I thought I would never age. I used a spatula to get the very last dregs out of the jar. Because there is no way, even if I won the lottery, there is no fucking way I will ever, ever have any of this again. I could not even bring myself to spend that much money on it when I can get some off-brand Oil of Olay shit for nine bucks.

Wanna know what the other Wednesday bloggers picked as their favorites? Check out their entries:

Bronwyn Green • Jessica Jarman • Gwendolyn Cease • Kayliegh Jones • Kellie St. James • Jessica De La Rosa • Kris Norris • Paige Prince

 

Joss Whedon, “Kill Yourself,” And Creative Responsibility

EDIT: Joss Whedon has spoken out about why he left Twitter, and it isn’t because of death threats or “social justice warriors.” However, I stand by my assertion that no matter who you are or what your reason is, telling people to kill themselves isn’t acceptable for any reason.

If you’re a nerd (and you probably are, because you’re here), you already know two things:

The Avengers: Age of Ultron sucked hard and insulted basically every marginalized group on the planet
Joss Whedon, director of The Avengers: Age of Ultron, deleted his Twitter account following a barrage of negative tweets about the movie.

Valid criticisms of the film poured into Whedon’s Twitter mentions–many of them regarding the role of Scarlett Johansson’s character, Black Widow, as well as a rape joke that made the film’s final cut. But with that criticism came some abusive language, purportedly driven by feminists who threatened physical violence and encouraged Whedon to kill himself.

I am never reluctant to point out that Joss Whedon, fan-appointed feminist savior of nerd culture, writes, well, exactly how a white man who’s been raised to the pedestal of blameless authority on all social issues would write. There are so many problems in his work and his interactions with fans. Here are some of his greatest hits:

Killing off mostly LGBTQA+/PoC/women in his canon
Blatant colonialism
Rape jokes
The physically-strong-but-emotionally-broken female character trope
Persistent self-insert “Nice Guy” characters
Women who die to give male characters Man Pain
Transphobia
Strong disregard of the concerns expressed by fans regarding all of the above.

Surely there are some I’m glossing over here, but I think this gets the point across: Joss Whedon is a deeply problematic fixture of nerd culture. When before his thoughts on feminism and LGBTQA+ issues had real weight with his fans, now his audience has found the footing to speak for themselves–and to speak against him. And they’re right to. Whedon has been open to discourse with fans; to disengage from critical discussion on issues like feminism and gay rights while accepting praise for his allegedly progressive attitudes is hypocritical and condescending.

But this weekend, some weren’t looking for a discussion. They were looking to vent their anger in violent ways. Feminists have been blamed for these tweets. I don’t think that’s true. While it’s entirely possible to identify yourself as a feminist and still exhibit toxic behavior, too many of the insults and threats tweeted at Whedon were of the “up your ass” variety. In my experience on the internet, it’s generally young heterosexual men who resort to threats of anal penetration. I do not, in any way, believe that the bulk of these threats were sent by women. It’s also not unusual for the usual suspects (4Chan, Reddit, Gamer Gate) to adopt the language of activists in order to express extreme positions in an effort to discredit “social justice warriors.” They’re also fond of creating sock puppet accounts on social media. I suspect that was the case in eighty percent of these abusive tweets.

I did see plenty of critical engagement by fans, in the form of questions about the choices Whedon made (many are neatly outlined in this article by Kyle Wagner). I am in no way condemning these fans or accusing them of “bullying” Whedon off of Twitter. They were simply demanding accountability, and deserved answers. But after countless “remember when” and “friendly reminder” posts in which all of Whedon’s past offenses were tallied, the conversation seemed far less, “these are things Joss Whedon has done wrong,” and more, “this is why Joss Whedon deserved not just the criticism, but the abuse he received.”

I have a lot of radical views. The belief that privileged people deserve death threats as a response to their privilege is not one of them. Maybe this sounds like tone policing. It probably is tone policing. People in marginalized groups receive threats and suggestions of suicide every single day, simply for expressing their opinions. As someone who has received her fair share, I see the marked difference between hatred for the expression of personal truth and criticism for problematic media and the creators of it. Whedon was not receiving threats for simply existing, which is what social media activists face every day. But that doesn’t lessen the severity, in my mind.

As a person who has been suicidal before, and whose family was tragically impacted by suicide, I view “kill yourself” and expression of violent ableism when used as an insult. Suicide is not a deserved punishment for the creation of problematic media. It is a disease. To suggest otherwise is to cast aspersions at everyone who has ever struggled with suicidal thoughts, or who have succumbed to the disease. What horrible thing have we done, that we deserved those thoughts? That some of us deserved to die for? Why is suicide considered a fitting humiliation for someone who has done wrong? Especially considering the fact that Joss Whedon has, in the past, admitted to suffering from panic and anxiety attacks? In what social justice philosophy is sending these messages to a person already struggling with mental illness acceptable?

This is not to say that Whedon deserves a pass for the misogynist, transphobic, rape apologist comments and content he is responsible for. The social justice landscape Whedon stepped onto with his early work has evolved into a world where he no longer speaks the language, nor holds a place of importance, and he has resisted this reality time and again, instead of changing his behavior and creations. Rather than ignoring his critics, he would do well to listen to them, and to take responsibility for the harm his actions have caused to people who aren’t comfortably enjoying white heterosexual cisgender male privilege. But celebrating threats and intimidation as a victory or accepting it as a part of activism when directed at an individual isn’t my idea of social justice at all.

Think critically about who the driving force behind that abuse might be, and what they have to gain from your defense of them. Men’s Rights Activists are right now carefully collecting those receipts to use against activists later. Consider the ableism that you’re supporting when you brush off “kill yourself” as a fitting response to an argument, and how that hurts not just the target, but normalizes the perception of suicide as a shameful act, rather than a fatal illness. And leaving all that aside, continue to demand accountability from creators of problematic media.

Thank you.

Jealous Hater Book Club: Apolonia, Chapter Ten

Praise Joel, the plot has arrived. But the recap is shorter than usual, because the chapter is a shorter one, and also super repetitive.

Cy has just told Rory that his feelings for her are why he shouldn’t come back from wherever it is he’s going. Which is outer space. I’m just going to keep on insisting that this is how it is until we actually find out that he’s an alien because I believe in my heart that he is.

We were strangers in the beginning.

Everyone is strangers “in the beginning.” Because they don’t know each other. This is not as profound as I think it’s supposed to be.

It had taken me weeks to get Cy to warm up to me. He was only the third person I’d trusted since that horrible night.

Okay, but…we still have no idea why that is. What has made Rory so trusting of him? He hugged her. He vomited pizza. But her very first opinion of him, her foundation of her understanding of who he is and what he’s about, was that he was coming to steal her job. Which makes it even harder to believe that she, who trusts no one, inexplicably trusts a person she already distrusted in the first place.

When he was around, the urge to be next to him was overwhelming. If he didn’t come back, I wasn’t sure what that would mean, but it didn’t feel right.

Again…where is this urge? She has the odd thought about him, but the only time we see this clawing need to be near him is when she’s already near him. We’re supposed to believe she has this wild obsession with him that’s the result of some sexual tension they both feel, but it’s never demonstrated. Just, I thought about Cy and how much I couldn’t stop thinking of Cy. Then I went and did some other stuff and had sex with Benji.

It was all so confusing, and no matter how much I tried to make sense of it in my head, the more confusing it became.

You and me both, sister.

Cy tells Rory that the reason he can’t explain everything to her is because, say it with me, he wants to protect her. And she tells him, say it with me, she doesn’t need to be protected.

“Oh, I know. You’re fully capable of handling things yourself. But not this time, Rory.” He pulled his hands out of his pockets and gripped my arms firmly. “Not this time. And not Benji Reynolds. Stay away from him, Rory. He’s not who you think he is.” Desperation glossed over his eyes.

“Then who is he?”

Cy looked away. “That is exactly what is so frustrating about this situation. I can’t tell you with risking saying too much.”

Actually, what’s frustrating about this situation is that we’ve read this same conversation over and over and it never moves the plot forward. Writing Tip: Eventually, you have to reveal the goddamn plot twist.

“You’re not really leaving. Not for good, I mean.”

He nodded.

So, yes, he’s not really leaving?

“No.” I shook my head and then laughed the horrid feeling in my gut away. “No. I don’t believe you.”

So…he is leaving?

“You…you can’t just let someone care about you and then go away.”

…except for when you’re mad at them because they’ve talked to a girl you don’t like back in chapter three or four.

Rory asks if Cy has feelings for her, and he says:

“Of course I do. I care about you very much. I always have.”

He told her he has feelings for her, I said, “Bitch, where?” He told her, “I always have,” I said, “Bitch, where?”

Seriously, we saw him give her a hug, and beat up a guy who assaulted her at a party. We are supposed to be feeling stirring romantic tension and the pain of impending separation of two characters I assume we’re supposed to be rooting for. Instead, I’m sitting here going, “You’ve known each other two months, wtf is this always shit?” and “Do you have any documentation to verify these feelings?” Because I haven’t seen any of this. We have spent more time alone with Rory and Benji than we have with Rory and Cy, and in several of their early scenes, Rory and Cy barely spoke.

Then Cy drops a bombshell: he’s “betrothed” to someone back in “Egypt.” He tells Rory that she would love his fiancé (because Rory so loves other women, especially ones she feels she is in romantic competition with), and that Rory reminds him of her. Man, poor Cy.

“In some ways, yes. In others, you’re so different.

Like, their entire personalities, I would hope.

“You make me feel things that I’ve never…but none of that matters. I care for you very deeply as a friend, Rory. Sometimes, I feel that’s incorrect, that I feel more than that, but that’s wrong. I didn’t know it was possible to care for someone like this who wasn’t my betrothed. I love you, Rory, as a friend, very much. Too much.” He reached for me, but I pulled away. “I want all good things for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to heal.”

This makes Rory screech to a halt, because now she knows that he knows about what happened to her parents. She calls him on it, and demands to know how he knows. She asks if Dr. Z told him, but he didn’t.

“You were spending time with the specimen. I took it upon myself to learn everything about your background. It was important for me to know who you were. If you could be trusted.”

“Since when does someone get a background check to be around a rock? What are you not telling me, Cy? Because you know far more about me than you should. I’ve been patient, but if you’re really going to leave here and never come back, you owe me the truth. What do you know that night?”

So, here’s the thing. Cy knowing that Rory’s parents were murdered? Doesn’t prove that she’s trustworthy. And bringing it up? Is extremely unfair. She didn’t tell him about it, so why would he think it was something she was willing to talk about?

But I’m kind of thinking that background checks are probably necessary if you’re going to work in a lab with a heretofore unknown element that landed on earth from space, but that’s because you’d be, you know, working with the government in Area 51 or whatever.

Because this entire back-and-forth of tell-me-stuff-no-I-can’t-tell-you-stuff will never end, Cy keeps being evasive while Rory keeps saying he has to tell her. When she gets angry and tries to leave, he says:

“Rory…you are the bravest being that I know. I’m not sure I could have survived something like that, physically or mentally. I’ve seen a lot of things. War. Death. But to watch such brutality waged against your loved ones and to suffer in that way is–”

“Stop talking.”

Who the fuck keeps going on and on about someone’s past trauma when they obviously don’t want you to know about it in the first fucking place?

But notice his wording: “You are the bravest being.” BEING.

Rory leaves the lab, once again without any explicit answers that would move the story forward. She encounters the elevator that triggered her PTSD in an earlier chapter. The doors open at her floor and she tries to make herself get on, but she can’t. It’s literally the first moment of strength and bravery we’ve seen Rory display in this entire book that isn’t explicitly described as brave and strong by the author. So, thanks, author, for trusting us enough to realize that considering taking the elevator is a huge step forward for Rory.

Also, thanks for putting any character development into the story at all. It only took ten chapters.

Rory forgot her keys, so she has to go back to the lab.

The elevator dinged as I passed, but I ignored it. After a few seconds, the cables squealed, and the elevator lurched and rumbled as it climbed again. The moment I took the first step down, the few lights that illuminated the lobby went dark, and the elevator went silent, coming to a stop between floors. Something invisible, in my mind, had kept me out of elevators for over two years. If it weren’t for my maddening aversion, I could have been stuck in there.

You know what might have been more helpful, Rory? If you’d realized that the elevator operating on its own, when you know the building is empty, might be a sign that something weird is going on.

She uses her cell phone as a flashlight, but halfway down the stairs, she hears a door open:

Feet, many feet, shuffled quietly down the hall. I couldn’t fathom who would be in the building this late at night but myself, Cyrus, and possibly Dr. Z, but something told me that I didn’t want to be caught by whoever it was.

So like, what was your first clue, Rory? The fact that the CIA is after you guys? That Cy told you some spooky shit? That the elevator was operating by itself and then there’s this sudden blackout? Also, the fact that the CIA is after you guys? HOW DO YOU KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT THE CIA?

Rory runs into another lab, because she doesn’t have her keys to unlock the one she works in:

There was a large Plexiglas window separating the unlocked lab from Dr. Zorba’s. Cy was standing at my desk, scrolling the mouse with one hand and making notes with the other. A few lights were on in the lab. He was using backup power.

I’m not going to ding McGuire for this, because I do it all the time and I really don’t have a huge problem with it in reading or writing, but I promised to give you guys writing tips, and here’s one. Writing Tip: The first sentence is an example of passive voice; “There was a large Plexiglass window separating” is passive, “A large Plexiglass window separated” would be active voice.

But like I said, I don’t really care about it. Maybe because it’s in first person, and people tend to think in passive voice. Anyway, just a note, in case you were wondering what the difference is.

Rory tries to warn Cy, but it’s too late:

The heavy metal door of Dr. Z’s lab blew open, and a dozen or more men dressed in black and armed with semiautomatic rifles flowed into the room. I slid to the floor and pressed my back against the wall. Alone, in the dark, I wasn’t sure if I should stay hidden or make a scene. I could hear Cy demanding to know who they were and why they were in the lab. The men were yelling at him, too, insisting Cy step out from behind his desk with his hands in the air.

I have two questions: why does Rory know they’re semiautomatic? Is she a gun expert, in addition to a martial arts expert? Also, it’s dark, because it’s a blackout, and the lights are running on backup power, so it’s probably like, brownout conditions. Anyway my biggest tick here is that Rory isn’t sure if she should make a scene. Uh…why would you do that? You’re the only one who’s witnessed what’s going on. If you stay hidden, you can go for help. The choice here is pretty obvious.

My mind fought to stay in the present, but the yelling and the sound of panic in Cy’s voice brought me back to the night when they’d murdered the people I loved most–including who I used to be.

I actually laughed out loud at this, because Rory lists herself as one of the people she’d loved the most. While I’ll totally fine with people loving themselves, we’ve seen Rory as such a selfish character, this was perfect. But seriously, here’s an issue. She says “they” murdered the people she loved, and the reader doesn’t know if she means the people with guns who’ve rushed into the lab or what. I assume not, but then the confusion continues:

I thought about how much fear I had seen in their eyes, and I knew it mirrored my own. I hadn’t been afraid like that since. Why would I? I couldn’t be killed. I had died with my eyes on my mother until my lids became too heavy to hold open. The men who had been laughing while doodling on my skin with the tip of their knives had faded to the background while my warm blood had spread out on the carpet beneath me. It had pooled, blanketing me and soaking my hair. The warmth had made it easy to let go, so I did.

1. Died is kind of a past tense and pretty final thing. You can’t die until something. You just die. End of story. She could have been dying with her eyes on her mother, but she couldn’t have died until her eyelids were too heavy.

2. The carpet had blanketed you and soaked your hair?

3. Bleeding to death doesn’t make you warm.

At least we’re going to get some info on what the fuck Rory meant by not being able to die:

After a time, I had awoken in a silent hotel room. No maniacal laugher, no sounds of sharp metal penetrating flesh, no crying or begging, no breathing–not even my own. When my eyes had opened, a curvy red pond lay between my mother and me. She hadn’t fallen asleep as I did. She’d died as she lived–with her eyes wide open, watching over me.

My breath had returned then.

AHHHHH THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING! You either fell asleep, or you died. This is a science fiction novel. If you say you can’t die, you need to be fucking specific about this shit. You can say the character died, then say that she’d fallen asleep. WHY IS THIS BOOK LIKE THIS?!

No one could explain it. Not even me. They’d said I must have passed out, that it was impossible that I had come back to life without medical intervention, and I’d just imagined floating over my own body, watching them carve me like a tree trunk. Even when they couldn’t explain how I’d lived despite losing a lethal amount of blood or how I had made it across the hall to call for help, they’d still refused to admit I’d died. But I was dead, and then I wasn’t.

Okay, but none of this actually explains that she can’t be killed. She lost a lot of blood. She had a near death experience. Then she was alive again. All that means is that she died that time. Not that she can never be killed. Also, if Rory is truly immortal, we needed to know that a lot earlier than ten chapters in. Because right now, this book feels like the author remembered she had to put some science fiction into it at the last minute.

The guys with the guns take Cy away, and steal the space rock. After they’re gone, the lights come back on.

I stood up in the empty lab, in shock, afraid, but only for a moment. If someone had seen my family and me get taken away or heard our cries and helped, my parents might be alive today. Sydney might be experiencing KIT with me. She could have found a boyfriend, fallen in love, and gotten married. Because no one had helped us, the man she would have married would be kept waiting. The children she was supposed to have would never exist. And entire line of people was wiped out, descendants of one of the most amazing people I’d ever met.

Then, I wondered if that was ever her purpose. Maybe she was put on this earth to teach me to be strong, to show compassion for those who were victims of the same heartless sons of bitches that killed her, and to compel her brother, Sam–who was active military and a cop–to teach me how to defend myself, things he wanted to teach her but never made the time.

What the fuck, Rory? Your friend died horribly so you could get a life lesson? What the fuck kind of self-centered bullshit is that? She died violently, ending the potential lives of other people, so her brother would teach you how to defend yourself? What the fuck even is this line of reasoning?

Sitting there, on the floor and alone, I finally had my answers.

Can the answer be when you sat back down again? Because you were standing just a minute ago.

 The death of my parents and Sydney left me with the guilt and grief that would empower me to get off that floor. I was drawn to Cy because he would need a savior, and I was the perfect person to save Cyrus. I had nothing to be afraid of. Death couldn’t touch me.

Okay, but you still don’t know if you’re immortal. Again, you just know that you miraculously survived something. How difficult would it have been to mention an unsuccessful suicide attempt or something that proves to Rory and to the reader that she can’t die?

Rory decides that she’s going to go off and rescue Cy, but when she gets to the parking lot, the guys in black are already peeling off with him. She thinks about calling Dr. Z for help, but decides against it, because his phone could be bugged. She knows she can’t call the police, because the guys who kidnapped Cy probably aren’t going to be worried about the police. She’s also worried that they might have taken Benji, because she doesn’t see him or his car. So she decides to run to Dr. Z’s house instead, and the chapter ends.

Raise your hand if you’re excited that something plotty has showed up.

Here’s a Friday video

I haven’t made a video in a while. Cap off your week by listening to me bitch about how much I hate my new phone and mock all of its alarm tones for thirteen minutes.

Hopefully I’ll have an Apolonia recap for you on Monday. Enjoy your weekend!

Don’t Forget Your Second Wind

Today, I am happy to report, I am no longer legally Jennifer Lynne Armintrout. I am Jenny Gallifrey Joel Trout.

If you’re new here, you might be unaware that my real name was Jennifer Lynne Armintrout. You may also be unaware that I used to be a bestselling author under that name. And then everything went to shit.

Like I said, I’ve gotten a lot better. Like, no longer suicidal better. However, a few years of returning to fast food work where I prayed my coworkers wouldn’t find out that I was a failed writer and trying to keep my kids from realizing how poor we were while getting near daily emails congratulating me on big contracts and movie deals that were not mine really soured me on the experience of being Jennifer Armintrout. And let’s just throw on there how much bullying I got as a kid for having that name. Even after things got so much better (and in case I don’t thank you guys enough for that, thank you) and I changed my professional name to Jenny Trout, it still kind of sucked having my past failure and years long mental breakdown hanging over my head every time I signed a check.

So, I changed it. And I threw in nods to some of the things that saved me. Like, The Doctor. As a fully obsessed Doctor Who fan,  I strive to live my life every day like a person The Doctor would be proud of. Hence, I chose Gallifrey as the first of my two new middle names. Gallifrey is the planet the Time Lords hail from, so I thought, “Why not?”

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” – The Doctor

And Joel. You guys know where “Joel” comes from. While I’m convinced that at least 50% of you think I’m just joking about my religious worship of Billy Joel, I’m totally not. His music has saved me and shaped so much of the way I live my life now. He’s helped me through so many bad days. He’s changed the way I view my own life and mortality. Lessons I’ve learned from his music and his outlook on life have made me a better person, a more functioning person, and above all, a person who is content with myself and my life. I will probably never get a chance to thank him for that, and there’s no real way I could put the depth of my gratitude into words, at least, into not creepy words that wouldn’t result in a PPO. And maybe it’s creepy to give myself that middle name–no, wait, it’s definitely creepy. But total stranger or not, Mr. Joel is a very big part of my life, and since I’m trying to wash away some bad memories of the past by letting go of the person I used to be, I thought it was apt.

“But I survived all those long lonely days

When it seemed I did not have a friend

Cause all I needed was a little faith

So I could catch my breath and face the world again” – Billy Joel, “You’re Only Human (Second Wind)

So, here I am. Jenny Gallifrey Joel Trout. Living my life, getting my fresh start (well, adding to my already ongoing fresh start) and not being victimized by circumstances beyond my control anymore.

 

Authors After Dark 2015

Hey everybody! Remember when I said I would be sharing more information about Authors After Dark in Atlanta? Well, here it is, straight from the convention director’s mouth:

So its SPRING! and AAD is a few months away! Readers, NOW IS THE TIME to get your registration in! Parties, giveaways, goodies, books, events… AAD has it all!

ALL ATTENDEE REGISTRATIONS ARE 25$ OFF! From 10am EST to MIDNIGHT PST!

AND dont forget! We have the two AWESOME parties this year… the Tiara Soiree and the Bump in the Night Ball!

So, TODAY ONLY, you can register for Authors After Dark for $250. For some of you out there who are unfamiliar with book conferences, this is one of the cheapest registrations you’ll find for a conference of this size. And this year? The Master of Ceremonies is SHERRILYN KENYON.

Authors After Dark is my favorite conference of the year. I’ve connected with so many cool readers and authors over the years, and I would love to see more of you. For more information or to register at the discounted price TODAY ONLY, visit authorsafterdark.org.

Bourjenny

I’ve previously shared two stories about myself wherein my behavior was described as being diva-like by others, but which become entirely different stories once I provide further detail.

The stories that follow? Yeah, more detail doesn’t make them better. These are just three stories about me being a straight up diva.

The Sunglasses.

What Cristin tells people: It was so funny! Jenny and I were driving to Markle’s house for Jill’s surprise party, and she forgot her sunglasses and the sunlight was flashing through the trees. I didn’t want her to have a seizure, so I was like, “There are some glasses in my center console,” but she had her hand over her eyes, so I handed them to her and she said, “These feel cheap.” They were party favors from a friend’s wedding, so they actually were really cheap.

What really happened: When it’s sunny out, I’ll sometimes have seizures triggered by the light flickering down through the leaves. This is why I no longer have a driver’s license. I usually carry a pair of sunglasses in my purse, but for whatever reason, I didn’t have them on me when we were driving to Jill’s party. I was going to just hold my hand over my eyes and bear it, until Cristin was like,  “There are some glasses in my center console.” I started groping for the glasses, so she helps me out by handing them to me. They were like, that textured, Oriental Trading Company kind of plastic sunglasses, and without even looking at them I said, “These feel cheap.” And it sounded like Mallory Archer saying it. It was just “These. feel. cheap.”

Cristin told me they were a wedding favor, so they really were cheap, and now we laugh about it all the time. HA HA HA HA I’M AN A-HOLE!

The Spa.

What happened: I received an email last week from a local spa that my husband I love. It’s in an old brick school house, has private dressing rooms with amazing showers–eleven shower heads–and saunas in the private dressing rooms. We love that place. We love hot stone massages. We are total middle-class trash.

Anyway, in this email, the spa says their building has sold, and as of May 6th, they’ll be combining with a new spa that’s in like, an office building or a strip mall or something that is definitely not the place with the amazing amenities. I was heartbroken, and I got on twitter and typed, “AHHHH NOOOO! MY FAVORITE SPA IS CLOSING!”

Thank GOD I had the foresight not to send it. I have a timeline full of people talking about college financing inequality and food deserts and raising the minimum wage, and I’m going to get on there like, “THE TOTALLY NEEDLESS LUXURY SERVICE I LIKE WILL NO LONGER BE AVAILABLE TO ME! ALL IS ASHES!” Jesus Christ.

For some reason, I had a second thought like, “Well, maybe if I explain that I was planning to go there for Botox…” Yeah, no, that doesn’t make it better, a-hole.

The Taxi.

What Jasmine and Gloria tell people: We were waiting in line for a taxi at the Planet Hollywood hotel, here comes Jenny, right to the head of the VIP line, and steals our Taxi.

What really happened: That’s exactly what happened, but worse. I was going out with some friends, while Jasmine and Gloria were going to head to Fremont street to check things out down there. Well, because my friend Stella is awesome, she managed to wrangle me a Diamond level VIP card with Caesar’s Palace owned and cooperative properties. Which meant bypassing the line at a lot of places. No joke, on a Saturday night, outside of Caesar’s Palace, there were at least three hundred people waiting in the taxi line, and we just walked right past them. It was awesome. But back to Planet Hollywood. Jasmine and Gloria were waiting for a cab, they were finally next in this huge long line, and my friends and I roll up and steal not just that cab, but the next one, too. But I didn’t realize that was what happened at the time (I just sort of spaced out and forgot that one cab line was for VIPs and one was for not-VIPs), so I saw Gloria and Jasmine waiting there and go, “Hi guys!” and wave at them.

I was just like, “Let me steal your cab, then wave at you, because I am an a-hole.”

State of The Trout: Lone Star State edition

Hey everybody! Time for yet another random round up of stuff that’s happening in my world!

Chapter 15 of The Afflicted is now available on Wattpad! The Afflicted is a New Adult historical horror serial that’s absolutely free to read on the Wattpad platform. Chapter fifteen is up now, and you can read it here.

Okay, but before you rush off to read it, stick with me, especially if you live in Texas.

I’ll be making two big stops in Texas in May!

The Romantic Times Book Lover’s Convention, May 13-17, Hyatt Regency, Dallas

I know not everyone can afford this conference, but there is a giant book fair on Saturday the 16th from 12pm-2pm with literally hundreds of authors, and it’s open to the public. I’ll post more detailed information next week, but if you want to come out and meet me (and the reclusive Mr. Jen!), pencil that in.

If you are going to be in attendance at the convention, come out and see me at Club RT at 2pm on both Thursday and Friday of the convention! I’ll be hanging there with some Trout Nation swag, and (fingers crossed) possibly a very cool surprise that will also benefit readers right here on the ole blogerino.

Austin Author Affair, May 22-24, Renaissance Hotel, Austin

This is another fantastic conference that will also have a public signing, from 12pm-5pm. It’s also going to be a fantastic weekend that won’t cost a lot and will have…brace yourself…karaoke. Which I will totally do, because I don’t have any shame.

I will probably sing a Billy Joel song. And you’ll have to live with that memory.

If you’re nearby either of these locales, be sure to come by and say hello! At a conference last week, someone told me that in person, I am exactly like my blog. I don’t know if I’m telling you that to reassure you, or caution you.

Speaking of last weekend: At the Kent District Library writer’s conference in Grand Rapids, Michigan last weekend, I met a really, really amazing guy. His name is Mike Ball, he’s an award-winning humorist with some legit credentials. Like many funny people, Mike has a big heart. He works with Lost Voices, an organization that reaches out to at-risk and incarcerated youth, teaching them to funnel their emotions and experiences into original pieces of music and poetry. The stories of the children he has met were so moving, I asked him if he would consider coming onto the blog sometime and sharing more about the organization, but while we figure out those details, I highly encourage you to check out the Lost Voices website and see what they’re doing to improve and protect the lives of some of society’s most vulnerable children.

I’ll also being doing another convention this summer, Authors After Dark in Atlanta, GA. I’ll have lots more information on this one right here on Wednesday, so stay tuned.

That’s all this for time! Resume normal operations.

The Big Damn Buffy Rewatch S02E16 “Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered”

BIG DAMN JENNY MET A BUFFY CAST MEMBER ANNOUNCEMENT OF GREAT AND TERRIBLE IMPORTANCE!

This is so exciting, guys. SO exciting. For the first time ever, I met a Buffy The Vampire Slayer cast member. I ALMOST met K Todd Freeman (Mr. Trick) once, but  fate was not on my side that night and I ended up standing outside the stage door of Wicked in Chicago clutching my season three DVDs for nothing. So when I found out that Amber Benson was going to be at The Novel Experience Event in Las Vegas, I was so excited. And also afraid that I would fangirl out and make her run away.

She did not.

Guys, if you get a chance to meet Amber Benson, meet Amber Benson. She is a wonderful person who is genuinely grateful for fans of the show (the selfie above? Was her idea. After I told her I do a Buffy recap on my blog, she said, “We should take a selfie together. Do you want to?”). I was worried she might think I was being weird because she wast there to promote her books and I was bringing up the show. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. She loves the show as much as the fans do (she called it “like crack,” which I think is an apt description except I had a roommate who smoked crack and watching Buffy smells much better),  and best of all, loves writing fiction.

I told her about my daughter, Wednesday, and how much she loves the show, but how, at six-years-old, she’s concerned that “Tara” might actually be dead in real life. Amber agreed to take the following picture to prove to Wednesday that “Tara” is not, in fact, dead in real life:

 

And autographed a book for her, writing, “To Wednesday: I promise that I am not dead on Buffy! Just sleeping! [heart] Amber.”

Amber’s latest book, The Witches of Echo Park, is available now (it’s available at all retailers, but here’s the Amazon link), and I highly encourage you to check it out. Her writing is just as fabulous as her acting and her general in-person awesomeness.

Okay, so, onto the recap for real, after the “read more” link!

In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will stealthily hide her “Giles Fangirl” bag from Amber Benson, then later admit to doing exactly that. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.
Giles is totally in love with Buffy.
Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.
Willow’s magic is utterly useless (this one won’t be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)
Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.
The show isn’t as feminist as people claim.
All the monsters look like wieners.
If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.
Angel is a dick.
Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.
Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.
Some of this shit is racist as fuck.
Science and technology are not to be trusted.
Mental illness is stigmatized.
Only Willow can use a computer.
Buffy’s strength is flexible at the plot’s convenience.
Cheap laughs and desperate grabs at plot plausibility are made through Xenophobia.
Oz is the Anti-Xander
Spike is capable of love despite his lack of soul
Don’t freaking tell me the vampires don’t need to breathe because they’re constantly out of frickin’ breath.
The foreshadowing on this show is freaking amazing.
Smoking is evil.
Despite praise for its positive portrayal of non-straight sexualities, some of this shit is homophobic as fuck.

Have I missed any that were added in past recaps? Let me know in the comments.  Even though I might forget that you mentioned it.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they’re watching along with me, and that’s awesome, but I’ve seen the entire series already and I’ll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So… you know, take that under consideration, if you’re a person who can’t enjoy something if you know future details about it. 

This is one of my favorite episodes of Buffy. As in, one of my comfort food episodes, which I will go back to time and again to watch when I’m maybe not feeling my best. And it’s also a great moment of character development for Xander. As in, he actually learns something about his bad behavior toward women (though the lasting effect of this lesson is somewhat dubious). Cordelia also learns a lesson, and this one sticks; it’s a wonderful part of her flawless growth into the kind-hearted, independent woman she eventually becomes before the writers of Angel throw her away completely.

The opening features Xander and Buffy in a graveyard. Xander has bought a heart-shaped necklace for Cordelia as a Valentine present, and he’s asking Buffy’s opinion on it. Buffy responds by asking if Cordelia actually has a heart, and Xander points out that, you know, maybe Buffy and the gang need to stop making fun of him for dating Cordelia. Buffy especially, since she knows that she’s the only other girl Xander is interested in. Buffy tells Xander that Cordelia will love the present, and Xander opines that dating would be easier if it were like slaying. Cue the vampire fight scene. Buffy dusts the vamp and tells Xander that slaying is harder than dating, but he points out she’s not dating Cordelia, ha ha ha.

After the credits, Cordelia arrives at school and doesn’t realize she’s getting the freeze out from her clique when they won’t slow down to let her catch up. Finally she does, and they are nasty to her because this Xander thing? Has gone on way too far for them:

Harmony: “When are you two gonna start wearing cute little matching outfits? ‘Cause I’m planning to vomit. Let’s go.”

Oh, Harmony. Someday you will learn, and fulfill the promise of #10. But today is not that day.

Cut to a classroom, where a very strict teacher is demanding the students hand in their papers. As they leave, Willow and Buffy stop to speak to Amy, the girl whose mother forcibly body-switched with her in the first season.

Here’s an amazing thing I never noticed before (because I think we weren’t supposed to notice, because it wasn’t meant to be blatantly obvious and that’s what makes it such a skillful callback): the last episode begins with Oz looking at the trophy Amy’s mom is trapped in, and the audience goes, “Ah ha ha, how clever, I remember that from last season.” This episode pops up next, in which Amy plays a significant role. The set up for Amy’s appearance began at the start of the episode prior to her appearance.

Anyway, if you’re a Buffy fan, you know that if Amy shows up anywhere in an episode, bad magical shit is about to go down.

Amy asks Buffy and Willow if they’re going to the Valentine’s dance at the Bronze, which to be honest, I still can’t figure out why so many dances/school-centered events are held at the Bronze. It’s like the Max at Bayside. Willow is psyched to go because she’s loving telling people that her boyfriend is in the band, but Buffy isn’t into it:

Buffy: “Oh, Valentine’s day is just a cheap gimmick to sell cards and chocolate.”

Amy: “Bad breakup, huh?”

Or Valentine’s day is just a cheap gimmick to sell cards and chocolate, but hey. Whatever. This isn’t a comment on the show, just the cultural stereotype of “you hate Valentine’s day? I guess it’s because nobody loves you.”

Amy and Xander are the last to leave class, so Xander sees what happens when Amy doesn’t hand anything to the teacher, but gives her this look instead:

What happens is, a magic noise happens and the teacher takes an imaginary paper from Amy.

Xander tells Buffy and Willow that he saw Amy doing magic, and Buffy’s reaction is basically, hey, that didn’t go so well for her mom, maybe she shouldn’t be doing that. But they’re interrupted by the arrival of Giles, who is in turn interrupted by the sight of Ms. Calendar. They share a longing glance and acknowledge each others’ presence while Buffy stands awkwardly in the middle like the kid who knows her parents are divorcing because of her.

Oh, snap. Buffy, this has happened to you twice.

Jenny is like, hey, can I talk to you, and Giles is like, no, I’m too busy, and sad music plays while they look at each other like this:

Look at Xander and Willow. You can hear what they’re thinking. “Yeah, that’s what you get for screwing over our friend!” and “Gosh, I hope these two can make up,” respectively.

In the library, Buffy asks Giles if he’s okay, and he tells her that he is when he clearly is not. He’s probably just not wanting to hang his issues on her, when she’s about to get a whole bunch more of her own:

Giles: “Since Angel, um, uh… turned… I’ve been reading up on his earlier activities–feeding patterns and the like.”

Buffy: “And?”

Giles: “Around Valentine’s day, he’s rather prone to, well, um, brutal displays of…he would think of it as affection, I suppose.”

Oh, Giles. You have no idea yet.

Giles tells Buffy to stay off the street, just in case.

At the factory, Spike gives Drusilla a beautiful gold necklace, which she adores. Then Angelus comes in with a still-warm human heart and totally steals Spike’s gift-thunder.

Angelus: “I knew you’d like it. I found it in a quaint little shopgirl.”

God I love that line. I wish they would give Angel lines like that all time, even when he wasn’t evil. Angelus is way more funny than plain old Angel.

Angelus being Angelus, he mocks Spike’s gift, then helps Drusilla put on the necklace and makes fun of Spike for being in a wheelchair. Because Angel is a dick like that.

At the Bronze, Oz’s 1990′s alternative rock band is playing, and Willow is utterly smitten with the idea of being his groupie. Cordelia arrives and her crew gives her the cut direct. Like, literally, “the cut direct.” Back at Buffy’s house, she and her mom are watching television when there’s a knock at the door. Buffy answers and no one is there. When she comes back, her mom isn’t on the couch, and doesn’t answer when Buffy calls for her. Walking through the house, Buffy is massively weirded out, and gets a jump scare when her mom comes in through the back door, bearing a big scary black box with a bow on it. Buffy opens it, and it’s a beautiful bouquet of roses:

And a threat, but at least she got something for Valentine’s day, am I right, ladies?

EDIT: In the comments, Jackie points out that I missed a HUGE #3 here. Buffy looks totally wigged out, and while the scene ends and we don’t know how Joyce reacted during the break, we do know that in the very next episode, Buffy tells Joyce that she was seeing a guy and he turned out to be different than she expected him to be. Then Angel shows up at the house all obsessed with her, and what does Joyce do? BLAMES BUFFY FOR HAVING SEX WITH HIM. So, this incident with the flowers is a big #3, because even though this guy has threatened her daughter, she goes on for the rest of episode not seeming to care.

At the Bronze, Xander sees Cordelia sitting all alone. She’s surprised to see Xander dressed so well, and he tells her he let Buffy pick his clothes, which kind of cements their impending breakup. But Xander doesn’t see it coming. He pours out his feelings to her:

Xander: “I’ve been thinking a lot about us lately. The why and the wherefore. You know, once, twice, a kissy here, a kissy there. And you can chalk it all up to hormones. And maybe that’s all we have here–tawdry, teen lust. But maybe not. Maybe something in you sees something special inside me. And vice versa. I mean, I think I do. See something.”

and he gives her the necklace, which she loves. Then she tells him she wants to break up, and blows his heart to smithereens:

Cordelia: “Who are we kidding? Even if parts of us do see specialness… we don’t fit.”

Once upon a time, I broke up with a guy on Valentine’s Day. It went about as well as this episode, minus the love spell.

The next day at school, people are making fun of Xander for getting dumped on Valentine’s day. He sees Buffy in the hallway, but she’s off on an Angel emergency. Harmony is in the hallway, acting like a Mean Girl as usual, and that’s the final straw for Xander. He sees Amy and pulls her aside, and tells her that he saw what she did with the teacher, so he knows she’s a witch.

Xander: “Blackmail is such an ugly word.”

Amy: “I didn’t say blackmail.”

Xander: “Yeah, but I’m about to blackmail you, so I thought I’d bring it up.”

Xander wants Amy to cast a love spell on Cordelia, so he can reject her and make her feel as bad as he does. Amy explains that it’s hard magic and the intent has to be pure, and he reminds her that he could always just tell on her for using magic to cheat. Which seems, I don’t know. I don’t see how it could possibly work, considering how deeply in denial the entire town is about living on top of a Hellmouth.

In the library, Buffy slaps her “soon” note down on the book Giles is reading and demands to know what Angel plans to do to her. She tells Giles not to hold out on her in the vital, Angel related information department.

Xander asks Cordelia for the necklace back. At first, she doesn’t want to return it, saying it was a gift, but Xander says he doesn’t want it to go into her collection of stuff guys have given her. She relents and tells him its in her locker, but when she opens the door, she sneaks the necklace out from beneath the collar of her shirt.

At school that night, Xander sits shirtless in a big woman symbol painted on the floor of the science lab while Amy does the love spell. Cut to the next morning, when Xander walks up to Cordelia and her friends and waits for some big reaction. But Cordelia is definitely not as in love with him as he expected her to be; she accuses him of stalking her, and he takes off.

In the library, god help me, god help us all, Giles has his sleeves rolled up while he’s reading:

Unfortunately, what he’s reading is a record of all the creepy shit Angel has done over the years:

Giles: “Look, here’s another. Here. Um, ‘Valentine’s Day.’ Yes, uh… Angel nailed a puppy to the–”

Buffy: “Skip it.”

Giles: “But–”

Buffy: “I don’t wanna know. I don’t have a puppy. Skip it.”

Giles: “Right you are. I’ll get another batch.”

Like, that’s how bad Angel was. Records of his puppy-nailing misdeeds come in batches.

Xander comes in and suggests they use him as bait, not to catch Angel, just to fish. Buffy heard about Xander’s breakup with Cordelia, and it’s like, fuck, I hope you heard about it, because it happened two days ago and he’s one of your best friends, so why haven’t you talked to him yet if you heard he got dumped? I get this whole Angelus thing is taking up a lot of time, but damn.

Buffy suggests she and Xander hang out and commiserate over their breakups, so they can comfort each other:

Xander: “Would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? ‘Cause I find that very comforting.”

Ugh, Xander. #5, because one of your best female friends is saying she wants to hang out to make you feel better about getting dumped, and your response is to immediately interpret the offer as sexual. But then Buffy is like:

Buffy: “Play your cards right…”

and gets super close to him in a real, real suggestive way. Xander is way confused. Buffy tells him that when she heard that he and Cordy broke up, she was surprised at how relieved she was, and that she’d never really seen him before. Then Amy walks in and interrupts, saying she needs to talk to him.

In the hall, Amy tells Xander that the spell didn’t work out right, and suggests they try again. But Xander thinks it’s no big deal, because now Buffy actually wants him, so he doesn’t care so much about getting Cordelia back. Amy says they don’t have to do any spells, they can just hang out, and Xander is even more confused, but he understands what’s going on when Amy repeats the exact same words Buffy just said about finally seeing him. And while dawning horror crashes over him that Buffy isn’t really in love with him, yet another girl comes up and asks if he can help her with homework. Amy reacts with obvious jealousy, and Xander says he has to go.

And he really goes. He runs home and locks himself in his bedroom, where he finds Willow in his bed, wearing one of his shirts. He tries to explain to her that he cast a spell and it backfired, but she’s not having it. She straight up wants him to be her first, and she doesn’t really care about Oz anymore. Xander peels Willow off of him and runs out.

At school, Cordy finds that her friends are all mad at her again. Except now, they’re mad at her because she hurt Xander. And she is completely confused.

Xander returns to school to the strains of “Got The Love” by Average White Band, who, if you are unfamiliar with seventies era pop-funk, are 100% honest in their marketing with that name. All of the girls, and even some guys, start following Xander like hungry lions stalking a sick zebra. Other guys are pissed off, because I’m assuming more than one dude has gotten dumped today because of this love spell.

Xander goes to Giles for help. He confesses that he messed with a love spell, and that every woman in Sunnydale is after him. Before Giles can respond, Jenny Calendar comes into the library to confront Giles about the animosity that’s complicating the longing between them. Except the whole time she’s doing it, she’s stroking Xander’s arm:

Giles separates them. He’s completely enraged. As Jenny continues to try to seduce Xander with her body language, Giles lectures him about how dangerous love spells are. He tells him to stay in the library while he leaves to try and fix it. He wisely takes Jenny with him.

Xander tries to barricade the door with the card catalogue, but he’s an idiot because they open outward, like all exits in public buildings. Buffy is wearing a trench coat and nothing else. Well, the tv version of “nothing else” that includes nylons to even out her skin tone. She offers herself to him sexually, and Xander says:

Xander: “It’s not that I don’t want to. Sometimes the remote, impossible possibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. Not like this. This isn’t real to you. You’re only here because of a spell. I mean, if I thought you had one clue what it would mean to me… but you don’t. So I can’t.”

Is that… is that character growth? From Xander? The guy who watched Buffy change via her jewelry box mirror in season one? The guy who tried to hyena rape her and later just let her stew with the memory of it without apologizing or trying to comfort her for his actions? Refusing sex with the one girl he truly wants?

Of course, Buffy accepts this answer and apologizes, because the love spell makes her value and respect him. Ha ha! That’s not what happens at all. She goes full Glenn Close, “I’m not going to be ignored, Dan,” on him. While she’s shouting at him about his rejection, Amy comes in to assert her claim over him. The girls fight. I mean, fight. Buffy punches Amy in the face, and Amy seemingly vaporizes Buffy with magic. But it’s okay, Amy just turned Buffy into a freaking adorable rat. Giles and Jenny return, and Rat!Buffy scampers off, leaving Jenny to confront Amy about which one of them is going to get Giles. Amy is all set to turn Jenny into a rat, too, but Xander stops her.

Shit is falling apart rapidly.

Wait, people get paid to put rats in coats? Where do I sign up for this job?

Cordelia is confronted at her locker by Harmony, who delivers the single most Dynasty face slapped ever filmed for a show that wasn’t Dynasty. All of Cordy’s girls are furious with her for breaking Xander’s heart, and she cannot figure out what the hell is going on.

Neither can Oz, because back at the library, Giles and Xander are just about to capture Rat!Buffy (or as Giles calls her, “the Buffy rat”) when Oz bursts in and punches Xander in the face:

Oz: “I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about you. Now, I don’t know exactly what happened, but I was left with the very strong urge to hit you.”

I always have conflicting feelings about this line, because as it stands it could have been more than just, har har, Oz is a calm, pacifist kind of guy, but all dudes stick up for their ladies thing or whatever. Like, he’s a werewolf. I kind of would have liked to see more instances like this where he’s driven to stereotypical alphole behavior because he’s a werewolf, and he’s totally confused about that and finds himself acting on impulses that he finds odd but that many men feel are totally appropriate. But instead we just kind of get this, aw, he cares about his woman enough to commit physical violence thing.

On the other hand, he’s driven to commit physical violence against Xander because Xander hurt Willow. He says he was on the phone with her all night and she was crying, not, hey, I found out that my girl likes you. He doesn’t say, you stole her, he’s basically like, you made Willow cry, I don’t like that she’s crying, I don’t know why this is happening, so it makes me want to punch you. And he’s examining it very clinically after he’s done it, and I find that funny and perhaps a nod to the fact that yeah, it’s neanderthal behavior to punch somebody.

I don’t know. One of those two things.

Rat!Buffy gets away, and Giles is fucking furious. Like, almost-threatens-to-kill-Xander-but-stops-himself-mid-sentence furious. He asks Oz to look for Rat!Buffy, and sends Xander home in the hopes that he won’t cause any more trouble.

In the hallway, Xander hears Cordelia screaming as a mob of girls seem to be trying to literally pull her apart. He rushes in to the rescue, and they’re pursued by the women, who are desperate to touch Xander.

His rescue is heroic, if difficult to screencap.

Giles figures out that Amy messed up the spell, accidentally making Cordelia the only person who isn’t affected. Rather than help him, Jenny and Amy argue over which one of them Xander truly loves, until Giles explodes about how it’s not actual love, it’s obsession, etc., and Jenny just wanders off.

Xander and Cordelia escape the school and think they’re in the clear, when they see:

Hey, it’s your old friend Willow!

Willow: “I should have known I’d find you with her!”

Xander: “Will… Come on, you don’t want to hurt me.”

Willow: “Oh no? You don’t know how hard this is for me. I love you so much. I’d rather see you dead than with that bitch!”

Then everything turns into the jungle madness scene in Mean Girls, but people are going to get more than their feelings hurt.

As Xander and Cordy flee, Rat!Buffy has found her way down to the boiler room. I’m going to assume she’s just following her ratty nose down to the Hellmouth, to slay some vampire rats. Oz is right behind her with the flashlight. I wonder why he didn’t just use his werewolf smells?

Now, here is something I am just. UUUUUGH fuck whoever made this call guys, okay? Fuck them, because they were huffing glue when they wrote this. Rat!Buffy is crawling around in the school basement. What kind of dangers do you think she would run into down there? A trap, right? Some poison? Maybe she would chew on some wires and die? NOPE! THERE’S A FREAKING CAT DOWN THERE. I’m not joking. I mean, it’s a black cat, so maybe it’s meant to be spooky Hellmouth black cat or something? But why would there be a cat in a high school basement?

Come to think of it, a cat gets into the Sommers family basement in the second episode of season three. Is it that common for cats to become cellar intruders? Have I just never had my run in yet? Or is this a Sunnydale thing?

Xander and Cordelia have apparently run so long that the sun has set:

and they arrive at Buffy’s house. It’s never explained why they’re going there, but I guess maybe it’s the safest option considering Willow knows where Xander lives, and Xander knows Buffy is a rat. But guess who is at Buffy’s house?

 

At this point, Xander is like, whatever, Joyce, rub all up on me. Not because he’s into it, but because he’s just resigned to it. Cordelia comes in and pushes Joyce through the back door and locks her out, but Joyce punches through the glass to get back in. Xander and Cordy run up to Buffy’s room and lock themselves in, but then Angel swoops in through the open window and grabs Xander, pulling him through.

In the school basement, Rat!Buffy sniffs around a much more logically dangerous mouse trap.

Back on the roof of Casa del Sommers, Angel is prepared to do something awful to Xander to enact his Valentine’s threat. But when they tumble onto the lawn below, Drusilla attacks Angel, throwing him into a tree. She snarls and defends Xander:

Drusilla: “If you harm one hair on this boy’s head…”

Angelus: “You’ve gotta be kidding. Him?”

And that’s it. Angel just leaves, because Dru is so unpredictable and he just doesn’t have time for this bullshit. Like, he doesn’t even know there’s a love spell going on, he’s just reacting to what he believes is garden variety Dru. He doesn’t have the patience for it and it’s not worth it, even to exact revenge upon his mortal enemy. It is possibly one of the top ten funniest moments on Buffy.

Drusilla is about to turn Xander into a vampire, when all the other women in town roll onto Buffy’s lawn. I guess they should thought of the fact that Willow, as mob ringleader, would probably check at Buffy’s house next.

Xander and Cordelia have only one option, and that’s to run back into the house. But obsessed women are pouring through the back door, except for Dru, who can’t come in because of the vampire rules. Joyce confronts Xander with a huge kitchen knife, and Xander and Cordelia run into the basement. Which marks the second time now that they’ve run for safety in that particular basement.

Back in the other basement, Rat!Buffy is getting closer to the trap, and in the science room, Giles and Amy are working on reversing the spell.

Xander and Cordelia board up the basement door, and Xander tells Cordelia the whole situation is her fault, because she broke up with him. Eh…not really, dude. Cordelia similarly calls bullshit, telling him that he’s the one who tried to get girls to like him through magic. When he tells her she as the intended target of the spell, she’s touched, but then they’re both almost touched by a knife stabbing through the door.

Rat!Buffy is really going after that fully suspenseful cheese now, as Amy and Giles do the spell to reverse her rat-ness. It works, and Buffy emerges from her former ratness naked and confused. The mob of women breaks down the basement door and surround them, just as Giles and Amy break the spell. Everyone is super confused as to where they are or what they’re doing, but obviously this won’t be an issue in like, two hours. Because everyone will forget it happened, just like the last time they all woke from a trance in a strange place all together.

Sunnydale is a fucking terrifying place.

Oz finds Buffy, and proves to be the number one person you would ever pick to find you naked somewhere:

Buffy: “I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.”

Oz: “But you’re not a rat. So call it an upside.”

Xander and Cordelia try to convince everyone that nothing weird is going on by saying it was all part of a scavenger hunt, a tactic Buffy criticizes the next day at school. Everybody seems super okay with the routine of Sunnydale residents just sort of wiping their memories of every bizarre things that happens to them, which is troubling. But hey, speaking of memory…

Xander: “You remember, huh?”

Buffy: “Oh yeah. I remember coming onto you. I remember begging you to undress me. And then a sudden need for cheese. I also remember that you didn’t.”

So, I don’t know if anybody at Sunnydale remembers this, but Xander was once possessed by a hyena demon and tried to rape Buffy. And when that happened, Giles knew full well that Xander remembered doing that, but they both were fine with allowing Buffy to think Xander did not remember, as it would have been uncomfortable for him to acknowledge and apologize for it. But now Buffy can remember the way she acted while under the spell, and it’s almost like she’s apologizing to Xander. If not apologizing, at least giving him way too much credit for not raping her while she was under the effects of the spell. Xander doesn’t have to show remorse for his actions while ensorcelled, but Buffy does? #6.

Cordelia is walking with Harmony and their friends, listening to her talk about a guy who a cool car who has put her down as a maybe for a date. As Harmony is talking, she runs into Xander, and makes a crack about the way he’s dressed. He walks away dejected, and Cordy finally snaps, telling Harmony to shut up, and that she’ll date whoever she wants to date. Then she and Xander walk off hand-in-hand.

This was a really good, really light episode, which we desperately need because… well…

The next recap is “Passion.”

Stop forcing me to see you not hating yourself!

Thursday night, I was clicking around BuzzFeed and found this article about how stretch marks aren’t that bad and there’s a trend now of women who are taking pictures showing their stretch marks and saying, hey, this isn’t gross or imperfect, almost everybody has these. One would think that a post like this is fairly harmless. One has never been on the internet.

Stretch marks aren’t lovely or ugly. They’re a sign that your insides outgrew your outsides a little too quickly and nothing more. They’re not something to flaunt or cover up. They just exist. I don’t view my stretch marks as scars or badges of honor. This whole “pro body image” thing that has been all over media lately is getting old.

That was one of the first comments I read on the story. This comment is the perfect informational tool, if you ever need to teach someone about the standard format for incendiary internet comments. First, it starts off with a perfectly rational statement of opinion, with some fact:

Stretch marks aren’t lovely or ugly. They’re a sign that your insides outgrew your outsides a little too quickly and nothing more.

Then we get into some dodgy territory:

They’re not something to flaunt or cover up.

The comment has now moved from statement of opinion to judgment of a hypothetical person’s actions, which will never affect the commenter’s life in any way. The commenter isn’t just saying, “I don’t believe my stretch marks are something I would want to flaunt or cover up,” they’re saying, “All stretch marks are not something to flaunt or cover up.”

Then we move back to personal opinion:

They just exist. I don’t view my stretch marks as scars or badges of honor.

Before we land on this whopper:

This whole “pro body image” thing that has been all over media lately is getting old.

Excuse me?

A large portion of the comments section on this article take exception not to the existence of stretch marks (although there were comments to that effect, including a mom who said she covers her stretch marks “out of respect for myself and my kids.”), but to the very idea that women would celebrate something they see as a flaw in order to normalize it and feel better about themselves.

This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed these types of objections to people taking a body positivity stand. We see these positions every summer when plus-sized bloggers talk about their experiences on the beach. There was recently a mother who had stretch marks and a saggy tummy who wore a bikini and wrote a think piece about it, and similar comments were made. Somehow, for some reason, a stranger liking their own body is such a powerful, threatening prospect that people can’t stand to let it go by without comment. Why is that? A different commenter gives us insight:

Because when you are satisfied with anything in life you stop trying to make it better [...] Body positivity and delusional ranting aside… making people feel better about things they want to change only temporarily makes them feel better. Get it now?

Feeling good about yourself in spite of flaws you’d like to change (but, in the case of stretch marks, you simply can’t), makes you feel satisfied. And if you feel satisfied, you don’t want to change. And you should never not want to change something about your body. You need to be in a constant state of dissatisfaction with yourself, and always striving for unobtainable perfection, because that’s the life this person has chosen to torture themselves with.

And of course, that commenter goes on the same thread to boast that she has no stretch marks, and tells a woman who doesn’t agree with her, “Enjoy your stretch marks, sweetie,” indicating that, for her at least, the preoccupation we have with policing each others’ bodies isn’t about striving for excellence or health or any sort of philosophical ideal, but ranking each other in terms of worth according to proximity to physical perfection. Our opinions, feelings, and self-worth are invalid if we’re not shaming ourselves into an oblivion of apologies for our imperfect bodies.

It didn’t surprise me that the majority of the negative comments about the stretch mark selfies were coming from people who appeared to be young women who were slender, on the conventionally attractive end of the facial prettiness scale, and made up with cosmetics and styled hair. Yes, I am making a judgement based on appearances here, but stay with me. They have achieved, either through hard work, genetic luck, or camera angles, but most likely a combination of all three, to present themselves to the internet as a woman as close to the traditional western standards of beauty as they can possibly be. They have put on make up, dyed their hair, posed with their timidly bent index finger resting on their bottom lip like they’re auditioning to be the star of a creepy 1970′s Love’s Baby Soft ad. They’ve done all of this, and someone else, someone who hasn’t done all of these things, has the audacity to take a photo not just of themselves, but of a flaw that most women cover up, and they’re receiving attention for it. Attention that should rightfully be lavished upon the women crying foul in the comments section. And why do they feel entitled to the prioritization of their beauty over another woman’s? Because we have all been taught that this is not just the social order, but the moral order.

When it comes to our bodies, we are playing Monopoly with friends in a neutral space. The house rules are completely different. Some people want to play with Free Parking. Some people want to ban mortgaging. Some don’t like the three-doubles-and-you-go-jail rule because they don’t play it that way at home. We have some women saying, “I love my body,” some saying, “I don’t love my body,” others saying, “I don’t love your body, but my body is fine,” and others saying, “I love my body, but you don’t get to love yours.” But most often, the dissenters are saying, “I don’t love my body, and you don’t get to love yours, either.”

I do NOT have to love everything about my body and I shouldn’t HAVE to love it all just to fit someone else’s idea of what self-esteem is. I don’t love everything about my body and that’s perfectly fucking fine, because I accept it all and I’m just living my life happily DESPITE what I don’t like, which I think is healthier anyhow

Nobody cares if you love your body. Personally, I would like it if everyone loved their bodies, but I know that’s only true of very few people. I’m comfortable with my body, but there are things I would like to change about it–stretch marks, freckles, ruddiness, acne, the way the nail on my little toe is–and that’s okay. I’m not harming anyone else if I don’t love my little toe. But if I turn my dissatisfaction with that toe into an edict that says you’re not allowed to love your toe, either, does it make my toe more beautiful? What if I tell ten people they have to be unhappy about their toes? At what point does my toe become less offensive to me? Never. It never does. I have to come to terms with that toe, liking it or not liking it, totally independent of other people and their feelings about their toes.

No one in the body positivity movement is saying that you absolutely must share their views when it comes to your body. We’re just asking that you don’t demand we share your view of our bodies. And that’s all it really comes down to.