Laura Roberts's Blog, page 81

Hump Day Reviews: Men Are Like Wine

Welcome once again to Hump Day Reviews! This week I’ve reviewed a humorous wine/erotica book that takes literally the idea that “men are like wine.” Grab a glass of your favorite adult beverage, and let’s get right to the tasting, shall we?

A clever concept, Anne Violette’s Men Are Like Wine appeals to both wine connoisseurs and women in search of Mr. Right. Pairing descriptions of different wine varietals with their male character equivalents, Violette displays both her sense of humor and her wine knowledge, without falling back on the sort of stuffy comparisons favored by wine snobs, nor the weird “flavors” you’ve certainly never tasted. (Who wants to drink something that tastes like peat or dirt, after all?)

In addition to her down-to-earth wine descriptions, the book also includes a string of erotic stories about the type of men depicted in Violette’s descriptions, showing wine-loving ladies experiencing love affairs with guys named Pinot Noir (“the bad boy”), Chianti (“the player”), Chardonnay (“friends with benefits”) and more.

Interestingly, most of the preferred relationship wines seem to be red, while those considered mere flings are typically white. Is this a commentary on settling down with a grown-up red, rather than a flighty white? Is it perhaps due to red wine’s health benefits, which may compare favorably to those of a strong marriage? Whatever the case, ladies who love wine will enjoy finding out just what Violette thinks of their favorite guys – and beverages. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find yourself making a switch in the bedroom as well as the wine cellar!

(Originally reviewed at Amazon)

NEXT WEEK: HOUSE OF PLEASURES!

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Love your writing tools: Leuchtturm 1917 NEON

Hi, my name is Laura, and I’m a stationery addict.

Don’t take me anywhere near an office supply store unless you want me to get lost wandering the aisles, oohing and ahhing over all the products that will make my life easier, improve my writing, or simply look marvelous on my desk.

My very, very messy desk that is always buried in papers, writing utensils, and random tchotchkes. See below for the absolute cleanest my desk has ever been (i.e. when we first moved in):

Anyway, my point is this: despite being a total 21st Century Gal with big love for all things Mac related, I’m also a writer at heart, and writers know that the absolute must-haves for jotting down notes when creativity strikes are

A pen, and
A trusty notebook.

As with most stationery devotees, I was a fan of the Moleskine notebook for a long time, enjoying its basic black cover, back pocket for storing loose bits of papers (or stickers, stamps, and what have you), and options for lined or unlined paper as you please. Moleskine even started releasing specialty notebooks for those sketching storyboards, composing music, and taking notes about their travels, which are awesome in their own way.

But today I must admit… I prefer the Leuchtturm line!

I first became familiar with this German brand of notebooks when perusing the paper section of the Goulet Pen Company’s website. Having invested in a high-quality fountain pen, naturally I wanted some high quality paper to go along with my new writing utensil. I liked the classic look of the Leuchtturm 1917, and purchased one to give it a whirl.

What I found was a great, Moleskine-like notebook — with several key improvements.

The Leuchtturm line comes with numbered pages, which can easily be indexed for quick reference in the Table of Contents at the front of the notebook. This is perfect for writers like me, who tend to scribble down completely random notes all in one place, and then need to hunt through their notebooks to sort out the useful from the useless.
Stickers are included for archival purposes, which is perfect for writers who blow through notebooks in a frenzy, collecting quite a pile of notes and ideas in identical black books. There’s both a spine-sized sticker for helping to identify the right notebook on a shelf with other books, as well as square stickers to place on the front or back covers, or anywhere else you deem appropriate.

On top of this great organizational stuff, Leuchtturm has recently introduced a pop of color to their notebooks. Now in addition to the basic black you can also choose from lemon yellow, hot pink, electric orange and lime green. You can choose from ruled or blank pages, of course. I received a complimentary NEON yellow notebook from @LT1917NYC, and I’ve been loving its cheery color that seems to shout “Why aren’t you writing right now?!”

If you dig the NEON vibe, you can order them online from Leuchtturm USA or from the fine folks at Goulet Pens. (P.S. Amazon also carries the black notebooks and a few different colors, but not NEON as of this post!)

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Hump Day Reviews: Barbarella

Howdy, and welcome to the first installment of Hump Day Reviews! I’ve decided to share my sassy reviews of books, movies and assorted media of the sexy variety every Wednesday here on the blog. I’m always scouring the web for new inspiration for my humorous erotica, so I figure why not share some of my favorites?

Up first is a cheeky look at the 1968 space-sex flick, Barbarella, that I originally wrote for my pal Jimmy Callaway’s “Let’s Fuck Everybody!” blog. So without further foreplay, let’s strap ourselves in and blast off.

BARBARELLA: QUEEN OF THE GALAXY (1968)

I don’t know if this theory has been put forth before, but having recently viewed seminal sexploitation flick Barbarella for the second time, it occurs to me that the title character is essentially the female version of Captain Kirk. Both are screwing their way across the universe, in a voyage of discovery, and neither seems capable of engaging in long-lasting relationships, because each is married to his or her respective spaceship.

Okay, so Barbarella’s on a mission to find mad scientist Durand Durand and bring him back to Earth, before he uses his WMDs on us all. And, played by a young Jane Fonda, she’s way hotter than Captain Kirk ever was. Plus she’s willing to play for the other team, taking literally all comers: male, female, machine… even angel. Captain Kirk, boring old hetero that he is, wouldn’t be caught dead playing catcher to some dude in a bear suit. Kirk: 0, Barbarella: 4… 5…? Hell, I lost count after Pygar and his golden abs.

Based on a French graphic novel, Barbarella changes clothes every time she makes love. Many suggest this is “a French thing” (French women being stylish and all of that cultural BS), but it’s probably just a feminine thing; after all, who wants to wear the same tired Peter Pan outfit when she’s just met a hot new guy who can fly without pixie dust? It is a bit curious, however, that all of her lovers (particularly the men) seem to have random women’s clothing lying around in just her size. Then again, when you’re screwing a dude named Dildano, I guess that’s just a given.

Some would argue that Barbarella’s willingness to fuck everyone she meets implies promiscuity, if not the exploitation of women as fuckable objects, but I say those people are narrow-minded prudes who need to get out and mix with the animals sometime. Barbarella’s not a slut; she’s just never been fucked good and proper. And I mean that literally, as Earth has apparently succumbed to some sort of love drug, where “making love” means taking a pill and then pressing your palms against your lover’s until “maximum rapport is achieved” (in about 3 minutes). Of course, you’d only do it if your profiles matched up in some pseudoscientific manner. Not exactly panty-dampening material there, so when the first alien Barbarella meets suggests doing the horizontal polka–the old-fashioned way–she is at first taken aback. Being a good sport, however (she has just suggested she can “repay” the man who has saved her from some evil children and their flesh-chewing dolls), she takes one for the team and is soon humming in post-orgasmic bliss.

Once she’s had her cherry popped, Barbarella is eager to continue down this path of pleasure. And who could blame her? Holding hands is hardly erotic, beyond the age of 13, and if our gal is somewhere in her twenties with a wicked figure and plenty of pent-up sexual frustrations, thanks to Earth’s sexual fascism, I can’t see why she wouldn’t be into banging every Tom, Dick or Harry that expresses an interest.

Okay, so she expresses her thanks and repays people for their simple kindness with sexual services, which is kind of slutty, but what else has she got to offer? The goodwill of the people of boring old Earth? She doesn’t seem to have any space currency or a Titanium AmEx card to throw around, and she’s asking favors left and right (Can you repair my spaceship? Oh, by the way, can you lead me to Durand Durand?), so left with little else but her feminine wiles, and when in SoGo… ooh, that feels good, maybe just a little more to the left? Oh yeah, baby, just like that, unnnnngh.

Of course, like any good female character who loves sexing it up, Barbarella must be punished. She falls into the clutches of The Great Tyrant’s evil Concierge, who stuffs her into the Excessive Machine, which is meant to kill her by playing her like a fiddle. Or in this case like a creepy pipe organ. Death by orgasm; how ironic! And yet, since Barbarella is so insatiable, she even more ironically ends up destroying the machine instead. As it grinds to a smoking halt, Barbarella is surprised to find herself sexually unfulfilled, but also not dead. She puts two and two together, realizing the inventor of this orgasmatron must be Durand Durand, the mad scientist she’s come to retrieve.

The plot thickens!

Durand Durand sets Barbarella up with some scheme about breaking into The Great Tyrant’s sleeping quarters with an invisible key, double crossing her by locking the ladies into the bedroom together. Now for a little hot girl-on-girl action, right? Not quite. It seems the two are perched directly over the evil goo that fuels the city of SoGo, the Mathmos, and will be killed by overexposure to its pure evil. While Durand Durand attempts a coup, resistance leader Dildano leads a counter-attack. Unfortunately, Durand Durand has a positronic ray on his side (the WMD previously mentioned), and everyone’s being zapped to kingdom come. The Mathmos has decided it’s had enough of this human/alien crap and swallows everybody up, ejecting only Barbarella and The Great Tyrant onto its shores.

In the final scenes of this crazy love-fest, it is revealed that Barbarella was “too good” for the Mathmos to swallow, unlike the rest of the denizens of SoGo with their sexual kinkiness and hookah-smoking ways. Figure that one out, after she’s spent the whole film fucking. Actually, isn’t it obvious? FUCKING IS NOT EVIL. Fucking people over is evil, and fucking people up is evil, but straight up fucking? Pure and natural. How’s that for a moral?

The only head-scratcher is why The Great Tyrant has also been rejected by the Mathmos, when it seems she’s been about the nastiest bitch in town, but hey, every heroine has to have her villain. And why does the angel, Pygar, collect them both under his sexy wings, even though The Great Tyrant has blinded and tortured him? He claims it’s because “angels have no memory,” but I think we all know it’s because two girls and one guy is the ultimate threesome, and he’s taking them both back to feather his nest and put yet another notch in his golden belt.

In the end, is Barbarella a sexploitation flick or free-love fable? I leave that to you to decide, while you drool over Barb’s silver boots, chain mail and assorted miniskirts.

If you’ve never seen it, Barbarella is currently available to stream on Netflix and Amazon Instant Video.

NEXT UP: HOUSE OF PLEASURES!

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WriteClub.com: The Tyler Durdens of Op-Ed

Today’s post is a guest piece by Matthew Crowder, the founder of WriteClub.com.

Write Club has moved out of the basement and onto the net. It’s a volunteer community site where fighters can get down in the trenches and debate any topic, from “Should the woman make the first move?” to “Should a woman read sexy poetry to her man in bed to turn him on?”

Let’s face it: None of those pantywaist sites out there with wishy-washy, feel-good answers can help you when it comes to the hard topics. So why don’t you hit Write Club as hard as you can with YOUR itching, burning and possibly infectious questions?

The Rules of Write Club state: “Write for only one side, fellas.” So make up your mind and write what you feel. It’s time to win over the hearts and minds of those weaker souls out there looking for guidance on the issues that matter.

Have a take. Don’t suck. Let your voice be heard at Write Club.

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2014 Tournament of Books: Pre-gaming the bloodsport of literature

Every year I get excited for March Madness. And no, I’m not talking basketball — I’m talking about The Morning News’ Tournament of Books.

With a nod to that other madness happening at this time of the year, the ToB pits the best books from the previous year against each other in different brackets. One judge from the literati picks a winner from each round, and the winner moves on to the next bracket until all of the books have been judged. They also toss in a “Zombie” round for audience favorites, and let them duke it out against critical favorites.

This year, like most years I’ve been following this literary bloodsport, I have read absolutely none of the tournament titles. “WTF?” you may be saying. “I thought you were one of them readers!”

But this is exactly why I like the Tournament of Books: I don’t have to actually read any of the bestsellers of the previous year until March of this year, when the tournament organizers have chosen the 16 best for me. It also gives me a “to do” list for all those books I’ve been hearing so many good things about, like The Goldfinch, and lights a fire under my ass in terms of finally getting around to reading them. Hooray for deadlines!

I’m currently zipping through one of the first challengers, How to Get Filthy Rich in Rising Asia by Mohsin Hamid (who, coincidentally, is also going to be reading at a bookstore in La Jolla this week), and I think it’s a strong contender. The book is written in the second person, an unusual choice, and paints itself as a self-help book for young go-getters in rising Asia (aka Pakistan, according to most critics). Of course, once you start reading the book, you’ll see it’s nothing of the sort. I’m curious to see what judge Mat Johnson thinks of this one, as well as its competitor, Ruth Ozeki’s A Tale for the Time Being, both of which seem to share an unusual take on the traditional narrative, one playing with perspective and the other with time.

So with all of that said, are you going to be playing along with the Tournament of Books this year, and if so, who’s your favorite to take home The Rooster?

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69 Sexy Haiku: Happy Valentine’s Day

Our latest haiku collection, 69 Sexy Haiku, officially releases TODAY! If you still haven’t gotten your lover anything this Valentine’s Day, why not pick up a copy of our salacious book, filled to the brim with scorching poems to share in your boudoir tonight?

Here’s the final lusty haiku from our 69 Sexy Haiku Countdown:

69 Sexy Haiku, Now available

In the mood for love? Looking to add some spice to your bedroom? Kick your love life up a notch with 69 Sexy Haiku, written to entice, seduce and delight lovers in the boudoir. From sensual poetry that will massage your senses to truly explicit fantasies, these 69 poems explore love, lust and intimate relationships with a personal twist. Inspire your lover with a private reading tonight!

Get your copy at Amazon, or buy directly from us for just 99¢ only through Valentine’s Day.

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69 Sexy Haiku: Dollar Store Fantasy

Our latest haiku collection, 69 Sexy Haiku, officially releases tomorrow, but guess what? It’s available for purchase NOW, so stock up and share a copy with all of your favorite Valentines!

To put you in the mood for love, lust and haiku, we’re sharing one poem from the book every day.

We hope you enjoy today’s ode to the Dollar Store (and, if you’re broke as a joke, that it might inspire you to take chances with some inexpensive V-Day gifts), as part of our 69 Sexy Haiku Countdown:

69 Sexy Haiku, Now available

In the mood for love? Looking to add some spice to your bedroom? Kick your love life up a notch with 69 Sexy Haiku, written to entice, seduce and delight lovers in the boudoir. From sensual poetry that will massage your senses to truly explicit fantasies, these 69 poems explore love, lust and intimate relationships with a personal twist. Inspire your lover with a private reading tonight!

Get your FREE copy February 12 and 13th at Amazon, or buy directly from us for just 99¢ only until Valentine’s Day.

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69 Sexy Haiku: Hump Day

Our latest haiku collection, 69 Sexy Haiku, officially releases on February 14, but guess what? It’s available for purchase NOW, so stock up and share a copy with all of your favorite Valentines!

To put you in the mood for love, lust and haiku, we’re sharing one poem from the book every day.

We hope you enjoy today’s Hump Day haiku, as part of our 69 Sexy Haiku Countdown:

69 Sexy Haiku, Now available

In the mood for love? Looking to add some spice to your bedroom? Kick your love life up a notch with 69 Sexy Haiku, written to entice, seduce and delight lovers in the boudoir. From sensual poetry that will massage your senses to truly explicit fantasies, these 69 poems explore love, lust and intimate relationships with a personal twist. Inspire your lover with a private reading tonight!

Get your FREE copy February 12 and 13th at Amazon, or buy directly from us for just 99¢ only until Valentine’s Day.

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69 Sexy Haiku: Ocean love

Our latest haiku collection, 69 Sexy Haiku, officially releases on February 14, but guess what? It’s available for purchase NOW, so stock up and share a copy with all of your favorite Valentines!

To put you in the mood for love, lust and haiku, we’re sharing one poem from the book every day.

We hope you enjoy today’s haiku, as part of our 69 Sexy Haiku Countdown:

69 Sexy Haiku, Now available

In the mood for love? Looking to add some spice to your bedroom? Kick your love life up a notch with 69 Sexy Haiku, written to entice, seduce and delight lovers in the boudoir. From sensual poetry that will massage your senses to truly explicit fantasies, these 69 poems explore love, lust and intimate relationships with a personal twist. Inspire your lover with a private reading tonight!

Get your copy at Amazon, or buy directly from us for just 99¢ only until Valentine’s Day.

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69 Sexy Haiku: Strip clubs and porno

Our latest haiku collection, 69 Sexy Haiku, officially releases on February 14, but guess what? It’s available for purchase NOW, so stock up and share a copy with all of your favorite Valentines!

To put you in the mood for love, lust and haiku, we’re sharing one poem from the book every day.

We hope you enjoy today’s haiku, as part of our 69 Sexy Haiku Countdown:

69 Sexy Haiku, Now available

In the mood for love? Looking to add some spice to your bedroom? Kick your love life up a notch with 69 Sexy Haiku, written to entice, seduce and delight lovers in the boudoir. From sensual poetry that will massage your senses to truly explicit fantasies, these 69 poems explore love, lust and intimate relationships with a personal twist. Inspire your lover with a private reading tonight!

Get your copy at Amazon, or buy directly from us for just 99¢ only until Valentine’s Day.

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