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The Joy of Six: unique goals | Rob Smyth

From Ronaldinho to Frank Worthington via Gianluca Vialli's sliding header, we pick half-a-dozen inimitable strikes

1. Ronaldinho, Chelsea 4-2 Barcelona, Champions League, 08/03/2005

Ronaldinho is the greatest footballer of all time. Never mind mundane nonsense such as goals, assists, Ballon d'Ors and World Cups; count the hairs on the back of the neck that have been tampered with. It is arguable that no player has ever come up with as many OMG! moments as Ronaldinho did between 2003 and 2007. OK, OK, move away from the foam-drenched keyboard: he's not the greatest footballer of all time. But he is the footballer with the greatest imagination, and the one who gave us the most fantasy. These things matter.

The best example came at Stamford Bridge in the epic Champions League clash of 2005, a reminder that, in football, bungs can be beautiful too. At the time Ronaldinho was the best player in the world by conventional criteria and had the aura to match. As he took possession on the edge of the area Chelsea's defenders were transfixed by his wiggling hips and twinkling toes. Then, with Hitchcockian suddenness, he stabbed the ball in off the post before anyone had the chance to say "Get a fakkin tackle in!" Chelsea won the game – one of the greatest in their history – but the abiding memory is Ronaldinho's goal. These things matter.

The toebung is usually associated with the playground philistine, yet it also belongs to the beach aesthete. The only country whose players commonly use it is Brazil. Ronaldo won a World Cup semi-final with one, while Ramires was at it the other night. Brazilians can even make the toepoke swerve; why use the inside or outside of the foot when you can use the inside or outside of the toe? And why think inside the box when you can think so gloriously outside it? The unexpectedness of the toepoke, and the speed with which it is delivered, mean that nothing has quite the same element of surprise.

2. Dennis Bergkamp, Newcastle 0-2 Arsenal, Premier League, 02/03/2002

Goals are often described as blockbusters; this was more of a brainbuster. Eleven years after Dennis Bergkamp sent Nikos Dabizas into therapy, we're still not entirely sure what happened. Or whether he meant it. It's obvious to say that Bergkamp is one of the few players with the imagination, technique and arrogance to pull off such a conceit, and it's natural to trust in genius. Against that, the thought nags that his celebration was just a touch too low-key. Excuse the mild pseudery, but if you are such an unashamed believer in futbol d'arte, and you went utterly mental when you scored the other defining goal of your career, why would you not do laps after scoring a goal like this?

There is context, sure – one was in the last-minute of a World Cup quarter-final; the other in the 11th minute of a league game in March – but that alone may not be enough to justify such contrasting celebrations. Even if he didn't mean it, the reaction and serene finish are enough to make it a brilliant goal. If he planned the whole thing, it's among the most brilliant ever scored.

3. Gianluca Vialli, Bari 1-1 Sampdoria, Serie A, 15/09/1991

There have been precisely 8,719,390,284,861,458,371 sliding tackles in the history of football; this may be the only sliding header. After his glorious 1990-91 season, when he redeemed a miserable Italia 90 and inspired Sampdoria to one of the most romantic title victories of all, it seemed there wasn't much more Gianluca Vialli could do. Then he scored a goal that was both unique and absurd; so much so that the voice of Sky commentator Peter Brackley cracked with a stifled chuckle as he said: "Vialli – what a goal!"

Most unique goals are intrinsically improvised, but this was particularly brilliant because the circumstances to which Vialli reacted were so unusual. And if it wasn't for that pesky David Platt playing for Bari, it would have been a winning goal too.

4. Javier Hernández, Stoke 1-2 Man Utd, Premier League, 24/10/2010

Unique goals are all about the use of the head, but not so much in a literal sense. The relevant part of the noggin that a footballer uses is so small that there is only so much you can do with it; the uniqueness tends to involve reaction to unexpected events, as Vialli showed against Bari.

Javier Hernández's ingenious goal at Stoke involved the use of the head in more than one sense. He redefined the notion of the back header, slamming his head backwards to thump the ball into the net. It was, as John Ashdown brilliantly observed on the minute-by-minute report of the game, like a Buckaroo. Only a natural goalscorer could come up with such a totally unnatural body movement.

5. Frank Worthington, Bolton 2-3 Ipswich, Division One, 21/04/1979

Trust Frank Worthington to put a maverick spin on the concept of the individual goal. Rather than beating a series of defenders one at a time, he beat them all at once. There was no apparent danger as Worthington sauntered away from goal doing keepy-uppies; it was all so insouciant that he might as well have been in a park with a fag dangling rakishly from his mouth. Then, using the eyes in the back of his head, he sent our eyes into the back of our head in amazement. It's not just the skill that is worthy of note; 99% of human beings, having performed such a trick, would be so excited that they would blooter their shot into orbit, but Worthington hit a textbook volley into the corner. Nothing else about the goal had come from the textbook.

6. Niall Quinn, Holland 1-1 Republic of Ireland, World Cup Group F, 21/06/1990

Not all unique goals need to be beautiful. There have been a series of shambolic, inimitable efforts down the years, including Brian McClair v Sheffield Wednesday in 1991 and Northern Ireland's Colin Clarke v Spain at Mexico 86. Four years later, at Italia 90, the Republic of Ireland scored one of the filthiest goals imaginable – and one of the most beautiful, because it took them into the knockout stages for the first time in their history. The ball needed just five touches to travel from one end of the field to the net at the other end, and three of those were from the two goalkeepers, Packie Bonner and Hans van Breukelen. The goalscorer, Niall Quinn, was the only Irish outfield player to touch the ball. It was the night the World Cup came to Hackney Marshes.

Rob Smyth is co-author of Danish Dynamite: The Story of Football's Greatest Cult Team

Rob Smyth
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Published on May 10, 2013 03:25

Alex Ferguson's greatest XI during his reign at Manchester United | Rob Smyth

Stam or Vidic? Keane or Robson? Schmeichel or Van der Sar? We pick the first XI in a 4-2-3-1 formation

Peter Schmeichel

Schmeichel might be in an all-time world team, never mind a Sir Alex Ferguson select XI. He was comically good at one-on-ones and, although he made more mistakes than Edwin van der Sar, his insane YouTubability more than compensated for that. His portfolio of astonishing saves is unmatched.

Gary Neville

In football terms Neville was a self-made millionaire who willed himself to become the best right-back in England. A model professional and, apart from a shocking 1999-2000, a model of consistency. An underrated crosser who shared a superb understanding with David Beckham.

Rio Ferdinand

His background, lifestyle, effortless style and sporadic doziness did not endear him to all but he was the smoothest of all Ferguson's centre-halves, a player whose unobtrusive class was such that he hardly ever picked up yellow cards.

Jaap Stam

Stam offered the best of both worlds. He was a brick outhouse yet smart enough to read a game like he had written it; he was a stopper with the pace of a sprinter; he had both cult and mass appeal; and he stayed only three years yet had the enduring impact of a one-club man.

Denis Irwin

Irwin was described as underrated so often that it was no longer valid to call him underrated. He probably had the highest median and mode performance level of any Ferguson player, with one bad game a season if that. Also a constant attacking threat, a superb crosser and finisher blessed with two right feet.

Paul Scholes

The purest footballer of Ferguson's era. A true players' players: few have ever been the subject of so many gushing tributes from their peers. At his peak he was three midfielders in one: bruiser, playmaker and box-to-box goalscorer. With a more dominant personality he would have been one of the greatest players in history.

Roy Keane

The most influential player of his generation. When Keane wasn't around United's great players often looked lost. He was Ferguson's manager on the pitch and a player whose rhythmic passing and forensic reading of a match were underappreciated companions to his maniacal need to win.

Cristiano Ronaldo

Started as a fantasy footballer, all dizzying stepovers and playground fun, and morphed into a Fantasy Footballer: a goals-and-assists production machine. Dominated Ferguson's third great side as much as Eric Cantona and Keane did the first two.

Eric Cantona

The man who started everything. Cantona catalysed two generations of United footballers with his imagination, swagger and devotion to practice. When he arrived United had not win the title in 25 years; they won four in his five years at the club.

Ryan Giggs

Giggs was twisting blood and tearing teams apart for 22 years of Ferguson's reign. Not as consistent as some greats but as his best he was thrillingly unplayable, particularly on big European nights at Old Trafford. Has been with United for all bar two of Ferguson's trophies.

Ruud van Nistelrooy

A majestic goalscorer who could be both brutishly efficient and deceptively subtle in front of the goal. He won the title almost single-footedly in 2002-03 and scored 110 goals in his first three seasons at the club before injury and a fall-out with Ferguson.

SUBSTITUTES

Edwin van der Sar

Ended six years of post-Schmeichel misery instantly.

Nemanja Vidic

One of the main reasons Ferguson won his second European Cup.

Bryan Robson

Carried the team for the first few years of Ferguson's reign.

David Beckham

A peerless crosser who completed one of the great midfields.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer

Solskjaer? Bloody hell. Simply the greatest substitute in football history.

Sir Alex Ferguson Manchester United Rob Smyth
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Published on May 08, 2013 05:15

Football Weekly: Hull City pip Watford to the Premier League

On today's bank holiday edition of Football Weekly, James Richardson has Jacob Steinberg, Simon Burnton, James Horncastle and - for the last time, like, evs - Rob Smyth in the pod to analyse all the weekend's footballing bits and bobs.

We start with the top of the Premier League and Chelsea's cheeky victory over a slightly vapid Manchester United. Can the Blues hold on to third place, or will Tottenham or Arsenal get the better of them in the run-in?

Next, we round up the action from the final weekend of the Championship, which saw Hull seal the second automatic promotion place (just) and Watford consigned to the playoffs (along with Leicester and best-of-enemies Brighton and Crystal Palace).

Finally, Sid Lowe - remember him? - gives us the latest from Madrid on that naughty José Mourniho, we salute Juventus's latest Serie A title, and we try and make sense of the relegation scrap at the bottom of the Premier League, which is tighter than an extremely tight thing that's just shrunk in the wash.

Barry Glendenning's back on Thursday, possibly with one of his man-crushes. Should be unmissable.

James Richardson Ben Green Rob Smyth Jacob Steinberg Simon Burnton Sid Lowe

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Published on May 06, 2013 08:55

Manchester United's 13 Premier League titles – in order of achievement

Sir Alex Ferguson has picked up 13 titles at Old Trafford, some of them easier than others but only one of them relatively unmemorable

1st 1992-93
P42 W24 D12 L6 F67 A31 Pts84

Won by 10 points from Aston Villa on 2 May (two games to spare)

It is easy to forget the pressure United were under as they sought their first title in 26 years. They were eighth when Alex Ferguson signed Eric Cantona in November. The Frenchman revitalised United and they eventually pipped Aston Villa and Norwich with a run of seven successive wins, including Steve Bruce's legendary 96th-minute winner against Sheffield Wednesday

2nd 1995-96
P38 W25 D7 L6 F73 A35 Pts82

Won by four points from Newcastle on 5 May (no games to spare)

The most romantic of Ferguson's titles. Alan Hansen infamously said United could not win anything with kids – but they had Eric Cantona and Peter Schmeichel in the form of their lives: the pair combined in a series of 1-0 wins in the run-in as United obliterated Newcastle's 12-point lead and drove Kevin Keegan to a public meltdown

3rd 2006-07
P38 W28 D5 L5 F83 A27 Pts89

Won by six points from Chelsea on 6 May (two games to spare)

Ferguson had gone three years without a title and José Mourinho's Chelsea were apparently omnipotent. Then United hit the ground sprinting, with four goals against Fulham in the first 19 minutes of the season. With Cristiano Ronaldo moving from good to great, Ferguson's team swaggered to the title

4th 1998-99
P38 W22 D13 L3 F80 A37 Pts79

Won by one point from Arsenal on 16 May (no games to spare)

The first part of a historic Treble came after a magnificent, unyielding race with an outstanding Arsenal team – still probably the toughest opponents Ferguson has overcome. The instant chemistry of Dwight Yorke and Andy Cole was crucial as United's irresistible force finally shifted Arsenal's immovable object on the final day

5th 2002-03
P38 W25 D8 L5 F74 A34 Pts83

Won by five points from Arsenal on 4 May (one game to spare)

Arsenal were superior for much of the campaign, with United hanging on through mental strength and a stream of late winners. Then they hit form. Ruud van Nistelrooy smashed 13 goals in eight games and United gobbled up Arsenal's eight-point lead with some blistering football, never more so than in a startling 6-2 win at Newcastle

6th 2012-13
P34 W27 D3 L4 F78 A35 Pts84

Won on 22 April with four games to spare

Obliterating a superior Manchester City with four games to spare is a stunning achievement probably beyond any other manager in the world. Purely in terms of turning resources into points, this has been Ferguson's greatest triumph at Old Trafford, but at times United's football has stunk.. To some, the relative poverty of that football will reduce the achievement; to others it will enhance it. And City, though good, do not compare to the great domestic rivals United have had in Ferguson's time. Had the two halves of the season been reversed – with United romping to the title after a series of thrilling games, outrageous comebacks and with victories at Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester City, rather than wheezing over the line with a series of scruffy 1-0s and 2-0s – it would probably be judged even more favourably

7th 2010-11
P38 W23 D11 L4 F78 A37 Pts80

Won by nine points from Chelsea on 14 May (one game to spare)

The fact that this was arguably the weakest of Ferguson's title sides makes this one of his worthier achievements – especially as it was United's record-breaking 19th title. The squad was a peculiar mix of youth and experience, humility and arrogance, flair and diligence. It's hard to imagine anyone but Ferguson getting so much out of them

8th 2007-08
P38 W27 D6 L5 F80 A22 Pts87

Won by two points from Chelsea on 11 May (no games to spare)

The season was ultimately defined by victory in Europe, although United were pushed all the way domestically by first Arsenal and then Chelsea. This was a squad triumph, the first season in which Ferguson did not really have a best XI. Cristiano Ronaldo hammered 31 league goals, and United scored four or more in nine of their 38 games

9th 2008-09
P38 W28 D6 L4 F68 A24 Pts90

Won by four points from Liverpool on 16 May (one game to spare)

A slightly colourless triumph built more on defence than attack, with United keeping a record 14 consecutive clean sheets. Attacking flourishes were fairly infrequent, although there were two comebacks for the ages against Aston Villa and Spurs in April. The fact they overcame Liverpool, and after Rafael Benítez's clumsy, prepared speech, made victory all the sweeter

10th 1993-94
P42 W27 D11 L4 F80 A38 Pts92

Won by eight points from Blackburn on 2 May (two games to spare)

Ferguson's first great side were an intoxicating fusion of testosterone, tempo and technique, with a scarily strong spine. Although Blackburn cut a 14-point lead to just three at the start of April, it would have been a major shock had United failed to retain their title. The 5-0 demolition of a good Sheffield Wednesday side was an exhilarating highlight

11th 1996-97
P38 W21 D12 L5 F76 A44 Pts75

Won by seven points from Newcastle, Arsenal and Liverpool on 6 May (two games to spare)

The challengers were weak, and no English champions have had a lower points total in the era of three for a win. But still no mean feat given that United concentrated on the European Cup. Lost 5-0 and 6-3 in consecutive games at Newcastle and Southampton in October, before upping their game after Christmas in familiar style

12th 1999-2000
P38 W28 D7 L3 F97 A45 Pts91

Won by 18 points from Arsenal on 22 April (four games to spare)

A title that was partly won on the beaches of Brazil. When United went to Brazil for the World Club Championship and some mid-season sun, their rivals caught a cold: Arsenal, Liverpool and Leeds all queued up to drop points. United, scoring goals in industrial quantities, won the title at a canter

13th 2000-01
P38 W24 D8 L6 F79 A31 Pts80

Won by 10 points from Arsenal on 14 April (five games to spare)

The easiest of the lot. United were so superior that they won a third consecutive championship on autopilot, effectively by New Year's Day and actually on Easter Saturday. A regal Teddy Sheringham was player of the year but a 6-1 demolition of Arsenal aside, this was relatively unmemorable

Rob Smyth

Manchester United Premier League Rob Smyth
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Published on April 23, 2013 02:35