Rob Smyth's Blog, page 185

England v West Germany at Italia '90 – as it happened

This is an edited extract from And Gazza Misses The Final, a collection of minute-by-minute reports from classic World Cup matches written by Rob Smyth and Scott Murray (Constable, £8.99). The book includes 22 full games – starting with Brazil v Uruguay in 1950 - and a series of magic minutes involving Pele, Benjamin Massing and other greats

4.06pm GMT

(With enormous thanks to guardian.com/sport editor James Dart.)

4.05pm GMT

It’s not too trite to say that neither side really deserved to go out. England were the better side in normal time and West Germany in extra time. The Germans will go on to their third consecutive final, hoping to avenge their defeats in 1982 and 1986. England go into a third-place play-off with Italy on Saturday after a night of raw emotion and proud heartbreak that will live with us all for ever. Gazza has tears streaming down his reddened face as he salutes the England fans. Time to listen to ‘World in Motion’ on loop while drowning a million sweet sorrows.

4.03pm GMT

WADDLE MISSES AND ENGLAND ARE OUT! England 1–1 West Germany (3–4 pens) Waddle smashes his penalty inches over the bar – although such is its dramatic trajectory it soon looks like he’s missed by yards – and England’s dream is over. It’s the cruellest way to go out, particularly after such a wonderful performance. Many of us have never seen them play better. Waddle sinks to his knees, crestfallen. Matthäus breaks away from the German celebrations to help him to his feet, which is a nice touch from a truly world-class player. Bobby Robson smiles ruefully but also proudly, gently punching the air as if to say, ‘Bugger our luck.’ He knows how desperately close England were – not just to reaching the final but to winning the World Cup. Their campaign started farcically and ended glori­ously. Yes, okay, gloriously and farcically.

4.02pm GMT

THON SCORES! England 3–4 West Germany. England are on the brink now. Thon places another accurate penalty into the bottom-right corner. Shilton went the right way yet again but, again, got nowhere near it. It’ll be Waddle rather than Gascoigne, who is presumably too much of an emotional wreck to take a penalty, and if he doesn’t score England are out.

4.01pm GMT

PEARCE MISSES! England 3–3 West Germany. Oh no. Stuart Pearce, so reliable from the spot for Nottingham Forest, has had his kick saved by Illgner. In truth it wasn’t a great penalty, blasted almost straight down the middle but low enough so that, even though Illgner had dived to his right, he was able to save it with his feet.

4.01pm GMT

RIEDLE SCORES! England 3–3 West Germany. Again Shilton goes the right way and again he’s nowhere near saving it. In fact, it seems he’s waiting to see where the kick is going before he dives. That’s a dodgy tactic because the German penalties are so accurate. That one, from Riedle, was whipped high into the right of the net.

4.00pm GMT

PLATT SCORES! England 3–2 West Germany. That was a bit close for comfort. Platt sidefooted it to his left but it was at a saveable height and Illgner managed to get fingertips on it. Thankfully for England it was far enough out of his reach that he couldn’t get a full hand on it and he could only help it into the net. Platt trots back to the halfway line with the nervous smile of a man who has avoided a firing squad.

4.00pm GMT

MATTHAUS SCORES! England 2–2 West Germany. You don’t save those. Matthäus booms a frighteningly certain penalty low to Shilton’s right. Shilton went the right way again but was getting nowhere near that.

3.59pm GMT

BEARDSLEY SCORES! England 2–1 West Germany. Beardsley shuffles forward a little nervously then takes another excellent penalty, high to his right. Illgner went the right way but couldn’t get near it.

3.58pm GMT

BREHME SCORES! England 1–1 West Germany. An even better penalty, placed carefully into the bottom-left corner with his right foot. Shilton dived the right way but it was a wonder­fully accurate penalty, right into the side-netting. When Brehme took a penalty at the 1986 World Cup he used his left foot. You can’t get much more two-footed than that.

3.58pm GMT

LINEKER SCORES! England 1–0 West Germany. Did you expect anything else? Lineker drills it confidently into the left side of the net as Illgner dives the other way.

3.57pm GMT

Before Sunday’s game against Cameroon, England had not had a penalty for four years. Now they will have taken at least seven in four days. There are 17 years between the goalkeepers: Peter Shilton, 40, and Bodo Illgner, 23. Illgner will be first in action because England are going to kick first. It’ll be Lineker, in fact.

3.54pm GMT

With England hanging on for dear life, the referee blows five seconds early. So England are into virgin territory: a penalty shoot-out. Both sets of players embrace warmly. This has been a cracking game and there’s a general recognition that neither side deserves to lose. The mutual respect is quite moving.

3.52pm GMT

118 min: NOW BUCHWALD HITS THE POST! Can you take any more of this? Germany were so close to winning the match there. Riedle broke forward from the halfway line and played the ball to the right of the box for Matthäus, who came inside and had his left-footed shot blocked by Pearce. It broke to Buchwald – the bloody centre-back – who controlled it calmly 20 yards from goal and then, using Steven as a screen, placed a lovely curler to the left of Shilton that bounced up on to the outside of the post! Unbelievable stuff.

3.52pm GMT

117 min: The corner comes to nothing and Germany break dan­gerously. Augenthaler drills a superb 40-yard pass to Klinsmann, who heads it beyond the last man Walker and, for a moment, looks like he has him beaten for pace. Don’t be silly. Walker catches him up on the right of the box, stays on his feet and makes a superb interception. He has been simply majestic.

3.51pm GMT

116 min: John Motson says that Bobby Robson told him this afternoon that the five penalty takers, if needed, would be Lineker, Beardsley, Gascoigne, Pearce and Platt. We almost didn’t need them because Illgner fumbled Steven’s cross from the left awkwardly over his own bar for a corner.

3.50pm GMT

115 min: England are starting to look tired now. Brehme, a man with two right feet, zips infield from the left and plays a one-two with Riedle before spanking a vicious right-footed shot just over the bar from 20 yards. Shilton had it covered but it came right off the sweet spot.

3.50pm GMT

114 min: GOOD SAVE FROM SHILTON! Thon has far too much space to take possession on the edge of the D and shape a lovely right-footed curler towards the far post. Shilton springs a long way to his left to catch the ball – a slightly showy save but still a good one.

3.47pm GMT

113 min: It’s credit to Platt and Gascoigne in particular that Matthäus has been so quiet as an attacking force tonight. He has had his hands full defensively.

3.47pm GMT

Level was offside in 1990. Even so this (after 116m) could easily have been given: http://t.co/YUuiq0GWrV

3.46pm GMT

112 min Platt, arriving late in the box, leaps almost backwards to head Parker’s flat cross over the bar from the penalty spot.

3.45pm GMT

111 min: PLATT HAS A GOAL DISALLOWED! From the resulting free-kick, swung in by Waddle, Platt flicked a smart header past Illgner but he had been flagged offside a split-second earlier. There are no complaints but that was seriously tight. The Germans pushed up but Berthold stayed a bit deeper and was so close to playing Platt onside. He was level at worst, as was Gascoigne further across the line. Platt was fractionally onside and Gascoigne fractionally off. So it’s the right decision but it was painfully close.

3.44pm GMT

110 min: Gascoigne shields the ball down the right wing and Brehme simply boots him up in the air from behind. That’s an appalling tackle – much worse than Gascoigne’s on Berthold – and he is rightly booked. Brehme and Gascoigne shake hands and pat each other on the head. There’s been a huge amount of goodwill in this game. You have to admire Gascoigne’s response to that yellow card. If anything it’s given him a second wind.

3.43pm GMT

109 min: Riedle nutmegs Walker down the left and toe-bungs a dangerous cross towards Klinsmann. Gascoigne, running towards his own goal at the near post, just manages to divert the ball away from Klinsmann.

3.41pm GMT

107 min: England have switched their wingers so that they are playing on the ‘wrong’ side: Steven on the left and Waddle on the right. Steven plays a beautiful pass on the turn down the left but Pearce is fractionally offside.

3.40pm GMT

106 min: England kick off the second period of extra time. Fifteen minutes without a goal and England will be involved in their first-ever penalty shoot-out. West Germany have had three: they lost in the final of Euro 76 but won matches at the World Cup in 1982 and 1986.

3.39pm GMT

Who needs a drink?

3.39pm GMT

105 min: WADDLE HITS THE POST! England come within an inch of going ahead with the last kick of the half. When Steven’s cross from the left was partially cleared, the same man leapt above Berthold to head it back towards the area. It came to Waddle, 12 yards out on the left side of the box, and he smacked a brilliant first-time shot across Illgner and flush off the inside of the far post. That’s desperately unlucky – not least because Platt was within a whisker of putting the rebound in, but it flew off the post so quickly that he couldn’t react in time.

3.36pm GMT

103 min: After that initial wobble, Gascoigne has managed to refocus and is doing some diligent defensive work.

3.34pm GMT

101 min: Thon, 25 yards out, swooshes a very good shot not too far wide of the near post. West Germany have been much the better side in this half.

3.33pm GMT

A different angle on Gazza's booking (1h7m into the video). He goes through 472 different emotions in 20 seconds. http://t.co/JVSEoIEvZF

3.32pm GMT

100 min: . . . AND GAZZA MISSES THE FINAL. England have to get there first, of course, but if they do, Gascoigne will not feature against Argentina on Sunday. This is horrible. He is on the cusp of tears and the proud English tradition of the stiff upper lip is taking a serious hit: Gazza’s is wobbling all over the place. Lineker says something to Gascoigne and then pulls his Grave Face before saying ‘Have a word with him’ to the bench. That is just too cruel. It does rather seem that the West Germans got him booked, which is a desperate shame because this game has otherwise been played in an incredibly good spirit. Poor old Gazza. He has been the star of England’s tournament and now his whole world has collapsed. It’s not just Gazza, either; English football has just had its heart broken into a million tiny pieces.

3.32pm GMT

99 min: HOLD ON . . . THERE COULD BE TROUBLE HERE . . . Gascoigne overruns the ball in midfield and then lunges with typically naive enthusiasm at Berthold. It’s a clear foul but does not merit Berthold’s reaction – 77 rollovers – or that of the rest of the German camp, who are all at the referee, both on the field and from the bench. Gascoigne, realizing the implications, put both hands up in apology like a kid who has used that whoopee cushion on his teacher once too often and will never do it again I promise but please don’t punish me this time. He immediately goes to apologize to Berthold. It looks like he’s got away with it, for ten seconds at least, but then, with Hitchcockian suddenness, out comes the card . . .

3.31pm GMT

97 min: England are rocking. Beardsley gives the ball away cheaply on the halfway line and, seconds later, Walker just gets in front of Riedle at the near post to put Brehme’s cross out for a corner.

3.30pm GMT

96 min: KLINSMANN MISSES ANOTHER CHANCE! West Germany could easily be ahead. Wright came deep with Klinsmann to try to win possession and, as he followed the ball, Klinsmann kept running into the space behind. The ball came to the sweeper Augenthaler, who flipped an inviting angled pass over the top. Klinsmann was free, 12 yards from goal and in line with the left-hand post, but he screwed his left-footed volley across goal and just wide. It was a harder chance than it looked because the pass was coming almost over his shoulder and there was no pace on the ball, but again a player of his class should surely have done better.

3.28pm GMT

95 min: GREAT SAVE FROM SHILTON! Shilton has had scarcely anything to do all night but now produces a superb save from Klinsmann. West Germany moved the ball slowly, all the way across the field from right to left, with Thon eventually shifting it down the line to Brehme. He curled over a wonderful first-time cross and Klinsmann, towering above Walker on the six-yard line, thumped a downward header towards goal. Shilton plunged to his right to make a superb reaction stop with both hands. It wasn’t right in the corner, and someone as good in the air as Klinsmann might feel he should have done better, but it was a brilliant save. That mistake against Uruguay just before the tournament seems a long, long time ago.

3.26pm GMT

93 min Pearce wins the first corner of extra-time. It’s swung in by Gascoigne and nicks off the head of a defender at the near post, but the stretching Wright can only loop the ball up in the air for Illgner to claim easily.

3.25pm GMT

92 min: A bit of danger for England as West Germany break two on two. Klinsmann runs into the box but is superbly tackled by Walker. He really is imperious.

3.23pm GMT

91 min: West Germany kick off from left to right. England haven’t used their final substitution.

3.19pm GMT

Bobby Robson is wandering round rallying the troops and giving tactical instructions to Parker; Waddle and Bull are having a laugh about something. England look pretty relaxed. ‘We’ve got another half-hour and we might have penalties,’ says Des Lynam. ‘Are you ready for this?’

3.16pm GMT

How’s your ticker? For the third game in a row, England are going to extra time – the first time that has ever happened in any World Cup. It’s the least they deserve after a fine, sophisticated performance, their best of the tournament by a mile.

3.14pm GMT

89 min: England are passing the ball around at the back and both sides look happy to take extra time now. That’s all well and good for them but some of us planned to watch M*A*S*H on BBC2 at nine.

3.12pm GMT

87 min: A little bit of West German pressure, with an extended series of throw-ins on the right wing, but England defend them comfortably enough. Walker and Wright have been outstanding.

3.10pm GMT

85 min: Beardsley is still on, the plan to introduce Bull having been aborted after the goal.

3.09pm GMT

84 min: Gascoigne nails a glorious 60-yard crossfield pass to Lineker, who is just about to put the ball back in the box when Platt is penalized for some off-the-ball tomfoolery

3.09pm GMT

83 min: That’s Lineker’s tenth World Cup goal: four this year and six in 1986. What a gem. He started this tournament slowly but has looked really sharp tonight and he took that beautifully. It was a more difficult chance than it looked.

3.07pm GMT

England have saved themselves in the last ten minutes again! Parker swung over a long cross towards Lineker from near the halfway line on the right. It hit the thigh of Kohler, who was running towards his own goal, and as it bounced up Lineker kneed it away from Augenthaler and Berthold before cracking an excellent left-footed shot across goal and into the far corner. The Germans had too many cooks in the box but it was clinical finishing. On the bench Bobby Robson reclines in his seat while wearing the most beautiful smile: warm, benign and extremely proud.

3.06pm GMT

79 min: The tireless Parker runs Brehme down the right to win a corner. It’s tossed deep by Beardsley and Wright’s looping header is comfortably saved by Illgner. Bobby Robson is about to roll the dice for the last time: Steve Bull is preparing to come on, presum­ably for Beardsley.

3.02pm GMT

75 min: The game is meandering a bit. England are doing okay but West Germany look reasonably comfortable.

2.57pm GMT

71 min: Pearce goes on a barnstorming, leggy surge from the halfway line, all the way to the edge of the box where he falls over after a double challenge from Berthold and Augenthaler. It looked like Berthold got something on the ball but the referee gives the free-kick, 20 yards from goal. This is a great opportunity for Gascoigne – but in fact Waddle lays it square to Beardsley, whose shot is blocked desperately by Matthäus. Before the kick was taken, Trevor Steven came on to replace Butcher, so England are back to 4-4-2.

2.55pm GMT

69 min: HOW IS THAT NOT A PENALTY? England are des­perately unlucky here. Waddle, on the left of the box, draws the tackle from Augenthaler with a swing of the hips and then shifts the ball to his left just before Augenthaler takes him down. That is a clear penalty but the referee waves play on. In his defence, nobody appealed – Waddle just got straight up with that hangdog gait – and on first viewing it was hard to be certain it was a penalty. But when you see the replays there is no doubt whatsoever.

2.53pm GMT

68 min Waddle makes a lovely angled run behind the defence but Gascoigne overhits his through ball this much and that allows the last man Kohler to come across and concede a corner. Kohler has been fantastic tonight.

2.53pm GMT

67 min: West Germany make their second substitution: Stefan Reuter replaces Hässler, who hasn’t recovered from the tackle from Pearce that led to Brehme’s goal. Reuter is normally a right wing-back but he has gone straight into midfield.

2.52pm GMT

65 min: You have to admire the spirit England have shown since going behind. No sulking or feeling sorry for themselves after such an unfortunate goal; just a quiet determination to get an equalizer. Gascoigne swerves away from Augenthaler on the edge of the area and is baulked. He is so good at taking defend­ers out of the game in the middle of the pitch, a rare quality indeed among midfield players. The free-kick hits the wall and moments later Parker clatters Buchwald, bringing the first yellow card of the game.

2.49pm GMT

63 min: WHAT A CHANCE FOR ENGLAND! That was des­perately close to an equalizer. After he was fouled on the left, Gascoigne swung in a superb free-kick and Pearce, getting in front of Riedle at the near post, flicked a backheader across goal and just wide of the far post with Illgner motionless.

2.48pm GMT

62 min: Matthäus moves away from Butcher far too easily and charges to within 25 yards of Shilton before shooting across goal and well wide. England just need to keep their nerve and make sure they don’t go two down because if they do it’s over.

2.48pm GMT

61 min: Is Shilton at fault for the goal? Difficult to know. His feet didn’t move quite as quickly as they might but it was a horrible and unexpected deflection.

2.45pm GMT

It had been coming but England are desperately unlucky with the manner of this goal. Pearce fouled Hässler 22 yards from goal, to the right of centre. The free-kick was touched off to Brehme, whose shot took a vicious deflection off Parker before looping high in the air and agonizingly over the stranded Shilton, who couldn’t back-pedal quickly enough and ended up helping it into the net as he fell backwards.

2.44pm GMT

58 min: A lucky escape for England. Matthus goes on a trade­mark robotic charge down the left wing, away from Waddle, Gascoigne and Walker, but when he gets into the box he slips over just as he is about to pick out a cross. ‘England are under siege now,’ says John Motson.

2.43pm GMT

57 min West Germany are really turning the screw. Matthäus lays the ball back invitingly for Thon, who drags a 25-yard shot well wide of the near post.

2.42pm GMT

56 min: Lineker is flattened by Kohler, who then picks him up and pats his sweaty head. There’s been a lot of that in a match that has been played in a really good spirit.

2.40pm GMT

54 min: This game is extremely open at the moment – too open – and Wright makes a really important block from Riedle on the edge of the box.

2.38pm GMT

53 min: England win a corner – and almost concede a goal within 20 seconds. After Pearce miscontrolled the ball 35 yards from goal, West Germany broke in a flash. Walker tackled Klinsmann but the ball came to Thon, who ran 25 yards into the box before shifting the ball to the left of the last man Parker and hitting a shot that Shilton had to beat away to his left.

2.34pm GMT

49 min A good move from England. Waddle, on the right wing, flips a superb first-time return pass over the top for the onrushing Parker. He gets beyond Brehme and into the box, but his touch is a little heavy and Augenthaler comes across to clear.

2.33pm GMT

48 min: West Germany have started this half as they finished the first and are having a lot of the ball.

2.32pm GMT

47 min: Matthäus plays a dangerous one-two with Riedle before breaking into the box but four England defenders manage to crowd him out.

2.31pm GMT

46 min: West Germany kick off from right to left.

2.18pm GMT

Half-time chit-chat. The BBC boys are full of praise for Walker, with Terry Venables describing him as ‘unbeatable’. That’s what they sing. Jimmy Hill, channelling William Morris, says it’s ‘a pleasure to see an England team give such a display in the arts and crafts of the game’.

2.16pm GMT

HALF TIME: England 0–0 West Germany. After a few hairy minutes, England get the breather they need and deserve for a superb first-half performance: controlled, mature and rousing. There weren’t any clear-cut chances for either side but it’s been a very good game.

2.12pm GMT

42 min: GET BEHIND THE SOFA. IT’S HAPPENING! West Germany are suddenly all over England, having their best spell of the game by a mile. A sustained spell of high-tempo pos­session in the England half ends with Buchwald failing to win a free-kick on the edge of the area. England are hanging on and could really do with half time.

2.10pm GMT

41 min: West Germany’s best chance yet. They win a free-kick 25 yards out, left of centre, and while everyone is expecting a shot Brehme instead lays it square to Augenthaler. He cuts across a very good, swooshing right-footed strike and Shilton has to move smartly to his right to tip it over two-handed, falling off his feet in the process.

2.09pm GMT

39 min: Riedle replaces Völler, who is being helped down the touchline. He must be doubtful for Sunday’s final when, sorry, if West Germany get there. What a tournament he has had: sent off for being flobbed on in the second round, suspended for the quarter-final, now injured in the semi.

2.08pm GMT

38 min A patient West German move ends with Hassler finding Thon 25 yards out. He dummies Platt and then crunches a good left-footed shot that Shilton saves comfortably despite a potentially awkward bounce just in front of him.

2.07pm GMT

36 min Völler is still down and Karl-Heinz Riedle is getting ready. Völler barely got a kick from Walker, who has been immense. Again.

2.04pm GMT

34 min: CHRIS WADDLE HITS THE BAR FROM 45 YARDS! It wouldn’t have counted, as the referee had blown for a foul by Platt a split-second earlier, but that was an incred­ible effort. The ball broke loose off Augenthaler and Waddle lofted it first time towards goal, a golf shot really, and Illgner had to jump backwards to tip it on to the bar. That was reminis­cent of Pelé in 1970 but this time it was a bloody Englishman doing it.

2.03pm GMT

33 min Völler may have to go off here: he deliberately kicked the ball out of play and immediately waved to the physio. It looks like he’s pulled something in the back of his leg.

2.00pm GMT

30 min: That was a bit of a scare for England. Völler ran down the right-hand side of the box on to an angled pass from the sweeper Augenthaler. Shilton came to meet him unnecessarily and Völler moved away from him before Gascoigne came round to block his cross. That was an important interception because Shilton was out of the game.

1.58pm GMT

28 min: Platt and Gascoigne play a classy one-two on the halfway line, and Platt keeps running into the space down the left wing, all the way into the area before trying and failing to take on Augenthaler. He should have looked for Waddle or Lineker but that was a rare bit of immaturity from a player who has been one of the surprise joys of this tournament.

1.57pm GMT

27 min: Terry Butcher does a backheel! We’ve seen everything now. Butcher, in the centre circle, backheels the ball to Gascoigne and then swans off back to his position with the studied indiffer­ence of a man who has just saved the world but, honestly, it’s no biggie.

1.54pm GMT

24 min: Another good effort from Gascoigne. Waddle’s free-kick from the right is headed clear by Klinsmann; it comes to Gascoigne, who controls the ball on his chest 22 yards from goal and then lashes the bouncing ball towards goal. It was a sweet strike but straight at Illgner, who held on.

1.54pm GMT

23 min John Motson reminds us that there are three England players who will miss the match if they get booked tonight: Pearce, Gascoigne and McMahon. West Germany also have three on a yellow card: Berthold, Matthaus and Klinsmann. Argentina will be without four players in Sunday’s final because of cards they received last night.

1.49pm GMT

19 min: Lineker’s movement and link play have been really smart. He shifts the ball away from Kohler on the left and hammers over a deep cross towards Parker of all people, and he heads wide under pressure. The BBC co-commentator Trevor Brooking says this is ‘easily England’s best start’ of the tournament.

1.47pm GMT

17 min: A delightful move from England. Platt, with six West German defenders surrounding him, waits and waits and then plays a smart pass in behind the defence for the onrushing Pearce. He hits a first-time cross towards Lineker at the near post and Kohler slides in desperately to concede a corner. A great tackle, and lovely stuff from England.

1.45pm GMT

15 min: Gazza cockily Cruyff-turns away from Klinsmann on the halfway line. He has been very confident and influential so far, more so than Matthäus. This really is his stage.

1.42pm GMT

12 min: West Germany have their first half-chance. Hässler, a mischievous little player, dupes Butcher on the edge of the box before hitting a left-footed shot that spins off Pearce and not too far wide of the far post.

1.41pm GMT

11 min: ‘England are playing some tidy football,’ exclaims the BBC’s John Motson, shocked by a display of incontrovertible Anglo-competence.

1.40pm GMT

10 min: Another decent opening for England. Beardsley breaks the offside trap on the right wing but, with only Lineker in support, he shanks his cross wide of the near post.

1.38pm GMT

8 min West Germany haven’t got into this game at all as an attacking force yet. Walker and Wright are jockstrap-tight on Voller and Klinsmann.

1.35pm GMT

5 min: Difficult to know how to break this to you, but England have started brilliantly. Lineker lays a loose ball off to Gascoigne, who shimmies smartly inside Augenthaler on the edge of the box before his thumping left-footed shot is well blocked by Kohler.

1.33pm GMT

3 min: Butcher, rather than Wright, is playing as the spare man at the back. Perhaps they don’t trust his legs in a one-on-one against these two quick West German forwards. Walker is taking Völler and Wright is on Klinsmann.

1.32pm GMT

2 min: WHAT A START FROM ENGLAND! England come storming out of the traps and Lineker wins a corner on the right inside 15 seconds. It’s taken by Beardsley and half-cleared to the edge of the box, where Gascoigne hooks the bouncing ball back whence it came with his left foot. It’s a beautiful effort and, although it’s swerving just wide of the near post, Illgner leaps to his left to palm it behind. That leads to a second corner, which leads to a third. That leads to nothing but England almost get in again thirty seconds later when Beardsley, played onside by Buchwald, breaks into the box from the left. He has Lineker and Waddle in support but tries to take on Buchwald, who dispos­sesses him well. Rousing stuff from England.

1.29pm GMT

1 min: England kick off from right to left. They are in white; West Germany are in their funky epilepsy-inducing green away kit.

1.27pm GMT

Anthemwatch: The England fans boo the West German anthem. For heaven’s sake, you bastards. Gascoigne, who has had some absurd criticism from humourless clowns for sticking his tongue out during the anthem, settles for just easing the tip out and smiling gently.

1.25pm GMT

The players are in the tunnel. Wright has a big plaster on his left eye; it’s a right mess, like someone applied it while blindfolded and high on Hofmeister. Waddle has chopped off his mullet (insert your own Samson joke here). Gascoigne gives Beardsley a kiss on the right cheek. This is just another game in the park to him, isn’t it? He has spent the last month taking the piss out of everyone, from Ronald Koeman to Mark Goodier on Top of the Pops, so why should this faze him? West Germany look calm, businesslike and other German clichés. This really is just another game for them, their eighth semi-final out of nine attempts in the last 20 years. You probably don’t need me to tell you how many England have been in during that time. Clue: it’s less than one.

1.14pm GMT

Back in the studio, homoerotic comedy duo Terry Venables and Jimmy Hill shake hands before saying a word. Let’s give it two minutes before they disagree over something. They make for great TV. Alongside them, Bryan Robson exudes the impo­tent frustration of a man looking in on his own party. Hill says he is ‘frightened out of my life’. He’s not the only one.

1.03pm GMT

Build-up: The BBC – don’t say you’re watching it on ITV, you’ll have missed Pavarotti for a start – begin their coverage with an obvious but neat montage contrasting the classes of 1966 and 1990. The highlight is Bobby Robson shaking his head back and forth in utter confusion, like a man contemplating the promise of a night of unbridled lust with Cindy Crawford, as he considers the possibility of winning the World Cup: ‘Well . . . I’ve been in the game now 40 years . . . it would be lovely to . . . To win the . . . the biggest prize the game had to offer, the world championship.’ What a lovely man he is.

12.58pm GMT

Bobby Robson said that ‘4–4–2 saved us’ against Cameroon on Sunday but while that formation will always be his beloved wife, he was always likely to return to his sexy foreign bit on the side against such formidable opposition. That means the extra defensive cover of a sweeper system and just one change from the side that started against Cameroon: Peter Beardsley for the injured John Barnes. Des Walker and Mark Wright have been passed fit, although Wright has six stitches above his left eye. England’s five substitutes include Trevor Steven, so impres­sive when he came on against Cameroon, and Steve Bull of the Second Division.

West Germany bring in two impish schemers, Thomas Hässler and Olaf Thon, for Pierre Littbarski and Uwe Bein. Rudi Völler also returns, having served his one-match suspension for being used as a hankie by Frank Rijkaard; Karl-Heinz Riedle drops to the bench.

11.37am GMT

Are you sitting uncomfortably? Then we’ll begin. This is England’s biggest match for 24 years, since the day some people were on the pitch thinking it was all over. You might want to lie down as you contemplate this, but when England step on to the field to face West Germany tonight, they will be 90 minutes away from a World Cup final.

In real terms, they are arguably already in one. ‘If we can win tonight, we’re in the final, with a great chance of beating Argentina,’ says Bobby Robson. ‘Great chance. This is the big one. Germany’s the big one.’ Although Diego Maradona’s side played well to lubricate Italian eyes last night, they have otherwise been poor in this tournament and will be without four suspended players for the final, including the superb but very stupid basketball star Claudio Caniggia.

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South Africa v Australia: day four as it happened

The awesome Mitchell Johnson took career-best figures of 12 for 127 as Australia destroyed South Africa by 281 runs

1.47am AEST

Thats about it for our coverage. The second Test starts in Port Elizabeth on Thursday. South Africa have a serious amount of work to do before then. Thanks for your company; goodnight.

1.46am AEST

We set the game up with our batters and I just thought we bowled really well as a team. We felt there was enough in the wicket. I guess when plans come off its really nice. I was very nervous, very pumped up. Theres a lot riding on this series. Its very good to go 1-0 up. My body doesnt take fast bowling as well any more now that Im in my thirties, but bowling short spells is what Im here for: to be the intimidator.

1.43am AEST

We knew how tough a team South Africa were and you certainly felt that on the field, especially as a batsman ... You have to be on from ball one and I think we were ... Yeah look, Mitchell has been outstanding since he came back into the team. Hes at the top of his game: he has good pace and he has amazing skill as well ... Its not every day you beat the No1 team in the world, so we have to enjoy that and well be ready for the second Test.

1.41am AEST

Weve been outplayed from word go, so credit to Australia. We didnt meet our own expectations, so the next few days are important to reflect and train hard ... It seemed to be one of those games: bowlers picking up niggles, food poisoning and so on ... Credit to Mitchell Johnson, he bowled with huge intensity and put us under a lot of pressure. No excuses: weve got to front up and man up ... AB de Villiers showed tremendous skill ... We need to get ourselves right for the second Test and get ourselves to the level we usually perform at.

1.38am AEST

Time to hear from the captains. What will Graeme Smith say?

1.33am AEST

With two matches to play, the series score is Australia 1-0 South Africa. This has been an awesome performance from Australia. Mitchell Johnson was Man of the Match by a Townsville mile, of course, but Steve Smith, Shaun Marsh, Alex Doolan and David Warner all had superb games. Johnson is bowling astonishingly well: in six Tests since his recall he has 49 wickets at 13.14, with a strike-rate of 27.1 and an economy rate of 2.90.

South Africa thought Johnson would tear into them. They had no idea. It would be unwise to write off the worlds No1 team after one game. But its really hard to see how they can come back from a brutal beating like this especially as there are only four days between Tests. They could do with four months to recover from the shock of this match. This is mental disintegration gone mad. And its a rare privilege to watch.

1.28am AEST

That final wicket. Morkel came back for a ridiculous second run and was barely in the frame when Haddin broke the stumps. Haddin was so on the ball, however, that he then threw the ball down the other end in an attempt to run out Philander, just in case. The ball flew away to the boundary but by then Richard Illingworths finger was up.

1.27am AEST

Philander drives Harris twice for four, both shots prompting a blast of Blurred Lines on the tannoy. Maybe Robin Thicke has been the man behind the camera between overs. Philander then pulls round the corner, and Rogers saves three runs with a wonderfully unnecessary diving stop.

Then the game in bizarre circumstances! Australia have demolished South Africa by 281 runs.

1.24am AEST

Ten of Johnsons 12 wickets have been in the top seven, which makes this even more impressive than his work in the Ashes, when he often obliterated the lower order. This triumph is not just about Johnson, or Darren Lehmann: I think Australia have won their last 10 Tests with Craig McDermott as bowling coach, and most have involved nasty fast bowling. Anyway, back on the field, Philander goes down swinging by hooking Siddle for four and six.

1.18am AEST

Re: Vernons comment at over 52 about playing aggressively, being entertaining and showcasing your talents, thatll be the precise words that were branded onto the willow crucifix by the English media and cricket hierarchy before KP got nailed to it after each test of the recent Ashes series down under, says Harkarn Sumal. Putting aside the subsequent disintegration mayhem, old Kev was constantly pilloried during the series for playing precisely this way. It lays bare the malaise at the heart of English cricket culture at the very top end. Bah, harrumph!

Englands scoring rate has been thoroughly inadequate ever since that Pakistan series in 2011/12. That is the single most important issue in the rebuilding of the Test team, and the main reason why Eoin Morgan has to be given a second chance.

1.16am AEST

Johnson (33.1-4-127-12 in the match) takes a breather, with Ryan Harris coming on. A relieved Philander slaps his first ball for four and then Steyn falls, fiddling straight to second slip. Easy.

1.13am AEST

Its interesting having watched Mitchs career, says Ian Belford. Even at his best in the early days, he seemed to bowl hoping. Now hes bowling expecting. Id go further: hes bowling knowing. Its hard to know whos hotter at the moment: Johnson or the man in charge of the pictures we see between overs.

1.09am AEST

Now Johnson has broken Philanders bat! Not the splice but the handle, with a furious short delivery. Is anything or anyone safe from MoJo?

Mitch is SO sweet, says Pepp Fitzgerald. Just a nice guy doing his job...

1.02am AEST

Peterson is torpedoed by a ludicrous grubber from Siddle. He had absolutely no chance with that; it barely bounced. Australias fielders dont so much celebrate as burst out laughing.

12.59am AEST

This is physical and particularly mental disintegration on an almost unprecedented scale. Johnson is doing what the West Indies pace quartet did in the 1980s, and theres only one of him. Peterson, meanwhile, plays a seriously classy back-foot drive for four off Siddle. And then...

12.58am AEST

Philander is rapped painfully on the glove by a furious nipbacker from Johnson. That could easily have broken a finger on his bowling hand, though he seems to be okay and waves the physio back to the dressing-room.

Jacques Kallis, says John Jones. Excellent timer of a cricket ball but even better at judging when to retire.I have been around since the days of Hall and Griffith but what I have witnessed from the Mo in recent months is up there with the very best. Brutal and exhilarating.

12.50am AEST

Siddle replaces Lyon. This wont take long now. Johnson could end up with 15 in the match here. Peterson drives Siddles first ball down the ground for four, a really good stroke. He then makes the considerable mistakes of pulling a single off the last ball, which means he will face Johnson.

12.49am AEST

Someone asked exactly what Lehmann had done, says Vernon. I read a quote from him saying that he has told his players three things: play aggressively; entertain; and showcase your skills. I believe these instructions have been vital to the turnaround because having the freedom to utilise your skills under pressure is the single biggest challenge facing elite sports people IMO. So skilful athletes being told by the boss to show off, essentially, is very clever.

The other thing thats so impressive is how methodical the batting has been. They seem to have a really good awareness of what they can and cant do at the crease.

12.48am AEST

Johnson comes around the wicket to Peterson, who walks miles inside the line and swings loosely to the right of midwicket for a single. Hes not going to hang around for long. de Villiers then plays an astonishing helicopter pull stroke off Johnson. He only got a single but what a stroke. Im in awe of that stroke, says Tom Moody on Sky.

A lively over continues with a big LBW appeal when Peterson walks miles across his stumps to a yorker speared in from around the wicket. It hit him outside leg but it was a clever idea because Peterson is facing Johnson from somewhere near point. And now de Villiers has gone! He slammed Johnson towards short cover, where Smith took a very sharp catch. It seems that was a cutter from Johnson, who got de Villiers with a similar delivery in the first innings. He has his second five-for of the match and his first 12-wicket haul in Test matches. He was in the form of his life in the Ashes, and he has got better.

12.42am AEST

Johnson isnt quite doing for nasty fast bowling what Shane Warne did for leg spin, but this is still a wonderful reminder of crickets most exhilarating skill. Lyon bowls. Nobody pays attention; they just want to see Johnson again.

12.40am AEST

Almost two wickets in two balls. Peterson edges a vicious lifter just over the leaping slip cordon for four.

Other than getting suckered by our pre-series chest-thumping about bowling attacks, I think the main thing South Africa got wrong is their team selection understandable as they take their first tentative steps in the Post Kallis landscape, says Rudi Edsall. I think they should draft in Quinton de Kock to keep wicket, not so much to give ABs hands a rest and to get their best fielder back, but to allow him to bat at four. I think Faf du Plessis will be exposed by the new ball in this series and I feel he will average below 25 if he stays at four. I dont know who they jettison though perhaps Peterson, as Duminys spin seems to be at a similar level to his.

12.35am AEST

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant fast bowling from Mitchell Johnson! McLaren survived an Australian review the previous ball, when a sociopathic lifter hit the underside of his arm before being taken superbly down the leg side by Brad Haddin. No matter: the next ball was another evil bouncer that McLaren could only glove through to Haddin. This is awesome brutality from Johnson, who now has the best figures of his Test career: 11 for 113. Weve rarely seen the like.

12.32am AEST

McLaren is okay to continue after tea. Lyon begins the session to de Villiers, whose footwork turns a low full toss into a high full toss that he whaps to deep midwicket for a single. After a single from McLaren, de Villiers skips down the track to slam through mid-off for four. Beautiful batting, the first boundary off Lyon in his 12th over.

12.12am AEST

The treatment to McLaren means that will be the last over of the session. It was yet another triumph for Australia, who picked up the wickets of Amla and Duminy. See you in 15 minutes for the last session of the day, and maybe the match.

That crack as the ball hit McLaren was as sickening a sound as Ive ever heard, says Ravi Nair. Imagine if hed been helmetless!

12.05am AEST

This is Johnsons first ten-for for four years, so hes improved since the Ash-STOP LEERING AT WOMEN BETWEEN OVERS YOU FILTHY SOD. But enough note-to-selfing from me, somebody should really tell the cameraman to stop leering at women between overs. Honk.

Oh my goodness, McLaren has been smacked flush on the side on the helmet by a brutal short ball from Johnson. He ducked straight into it. Even Kepler Wessels, the hardest man in the history of cricket, describes the sound as sickening on commentary. The Australian players were straight over to McLaren, with Warner (I think) waving desperately for the physio to come on. It has drawn blood behind the ear, although McLaren looks okay. After a few minutes treatment he resumes, with one ball remaining of Johnsons over. He gets in line nicely.

Apologies for the slightly questionable coverage from SA. Please be aware we have no control of pictures!

12.00am AEST

McLaren drives Lyon out of the rough for a single, so he will be on strike for Mitchell Johnsons over.

11.56pm AEST

Yes, yes, we have two 46th-over entries. I published the first prematurely, before the wicket. So sue me!

That really was a ridiculous catch. He moved his hands to the left and manage to push the ball up onto the chest before pouching it at the second attempt. Thats a staggering combination of awareness, instinct and courage. And to day it twice in one day, on your Test debut, is ludicrous.

Doolan best short leg. Ever. #SAvAUS

11.53pm AEST

Alex Doolan has taken another blinder at short leg! This is incredible. Johnson went around the wicket to Duminy and struck with his first ball. Duminy timed it sweetly off the pads, but Doolan watched it all the way and took the catch at the second attempt. Johnson has ten wickets in the match; two of them are thanks to outrageous catches from Doolan.

11.52pm AEST

Johnson bowls to the left, a short ball to Duminy that goes through the leaping Haddin for five wides. Height or line? says Johnson to the umpire, wondering why it was wided. It was height.

The squeeze is on @jpduminy21 10 off 55balls Aussies pressure will be rewarded anytime now!! #SAvAUS

11.50pm AEST

Lyon is into his tenth over and still hasnt conceded a boundary. Three from the over, minimal excitement.

11.47pm AEST

Heeeeeeeeeeeeres Johnson, and immediately the mood around the ground changes. His third ball a gentle 90mph loosener - trampolines past Duminys attempted cut. That aside its a quiet over.

I blieve that Smith has the world record for the number of times hes sent the opposition in, says Jonah Sack. Can anyone confirm? So I doubt one bad cookie-crumble is going to change that adventurous streak. (Or cowardly streak: he is an opener, after all.)

11.41pm AEST

Duminy has been so intent on defence that he has failed to put away a couple of rank short balls from Lyon in the last 10 minutes. Its such an important skill, finding the appropriate mindset and balance between attack and defence in view of the game situation, your personal situation, the particular bowler, the alignment of the planets and so on.

11.38pm AEST

Siddle has brought back that absurd mid-on for de Villiers. A maiden, most of which I lovingly spent cropping and uploading the above picture of Mitchell Johnson in an attempt to brighten your day, beloved reader.

Lohmannesque? sniffs Gervase Greene. Hoo he? Wot dat? Check out this toaster!

11.33pm AEST

Its a quiet period in the game. Duminy is becalmed, de Villiers watchful, and the scoreboard is having a bit of a nap: weve had 17 runs in the last 12 overs. Thats a lot of dot balls, and we know how Australia now to join the dots until they read W-I-C-K-E-T.

11.30pm AEST

Just as Kolkata in 2001 was the beginning of the end for enforcing the follow-on, will this game do likewise for sending the opposition in? says Brendan Jones. And unlike Hussains fear-driven brain explosion in Brisbane in 2002, was Smiths decision here one of misplaced bravado?

The strange thing is that, had South Africa batted first and been blown away for 110, Smith would not have been criticised for batting first. Its only when you bowl first that you get nailed. That said, when the toss happened I did wonder if there was an element of machismo, although I believe the stats show bowling first is a good option. The other thing, although South Africa probably didnt realise this at the time, is that by batting first they had the chance to stop Australia continuing use this weirdly familiar template: bat first, lose early wickets, recover, Mitch, Warner, Mitch and friends, Under The Southern Cross.

11.28pm AEST

Where do you place Mitch in the recent pantheon of quicks? says Lee Henderson. Lets focus on living memory here and mines older than yours so Ill start with Australian quicks and the fading Keith Miller and the genial Ray Lindwall which segues into my first real brutal fast bowler from watching memory; Frank Tyson, Johnson has his blinding pace as did Thommo but both of the aforementioned never had his batting ability or his athleticism. Ill throw in the WI quicks here too (Wes Hall, shirt unbuttoned and streaming in full speed on a dry+hard Australian wicket was a sight to behold). Jog my memory if you must about which of the many were as good with the bat and as good in the field? Hes up there isnt he, hmm?

This raises an interesting point. When you judge greatness and/or spend four hours in a pub discussing a best England XI of the last 25 years with Hawkeyes Jonathan Hungin, do you take a player at the top of his game, or do you take his whole career, or do take a reading of his effective somewhere between of the two? Id like to think about a wee bit more, but Johnson at his best is probably as devastating as anything in my lifetime, yet you cant really compare him to the greats because he has only been at his best for two periods in his career. The other thing is: would he have been this devastating in the 1990s, or is it simply that batsmen have been so mollycoddled that they cant cope with him? Either way, in the last six Tests his bowling has been the most exhilarating thing on a cricket field in years.

11.23pm AEST

Siddle. Duminy. Maiden. Duminy has four from 34 balls. Meanwhile, the choice of camera shot between overs is interesting. I say interesting: some horny bugger is focussing almost exclusively on scantily-clad females!

I am currently channel surfing between the cricket, Auckland Nines Rugby League, Winter Olympics on two channels and NBA All-Star basketball, waiting for the FA Cup to start in 30 minutes, says Karla Taylor. Theres a good chance my dreams will feature burly men wearing cricket pads shooting a basketball into football nets being defended by ice hockey goalies... Have you thought of becoming a cricket camerawoman? You could introduce equality to the between-overs leering.

11.19pm AEST

Duminy has been watchful against Lyon thus far, with his first-innings dismissal for four. Four from the over, all in low-risk ones and twos.

As an Englishman with a South African father, the emotion I feel on seeing what Mitch has been doing in this Test isnt schadenfreude, says Mac Millings. No. Its pure, spine-shivering, goose-bumping, palm-sweating, knee-trembling, loin-tingling ecstasy.

11.16pm AEST

Siddle replace Harris and establishes a mood of parsimony with a maiden to Duminy. They are so good at maintaining order with the old ball.

11.14pm AEST

Delightful batting again from de Villiers, who forces Lyon through the covers for three.

Yes, Im here, caught up by the post-Ashes schadenfreude, or sommat like that, says Chris Drew. Could you work your statsguru magic and have a look at Mitchs average since the beginning of the Ashes, and how his overall average has gone please? This is just phenomenal, and its lovely to be able to watch someone elses team suffering.

11.07pm AEST

A grubber from Harris is just wide of off stump, mercifully from Duminys point of view. Faf du Plessis has already been torpedoed in this innings. In fact he got two entirely unplayable deliveries in this match. A maiden from Harris.

Fantastic to see Australia bowling and batting so well, says Theo Park. Is there any hope of South Africa sticking it out and batting for a draw?

11.00pm AEST

This is good stuff from Lyon, who is bowling with such authority and confidence these days. de Villiers is keen to go after him, but at the moment there is no opportunity to do so. A maiden.

10.59pm AEST

Haddin saves four byes with an impressive leap to stop Harriss bouncer to Duminy, who then gets off the mark with a graceful back-foot drive through backward point for two.

10.57pm AEST

Its nice to watch a game where you only care about man crushes, not whether the team will do well/sack their best player for whistling & being top scorer, says Andy Bradshaw. Although Im not sure whether Im inside or outside cricket so Im not sure whether the ECB will allow me an opinion on this matter.

10.54pm AEST

That was the last ball of the over. Aleem Dar has been back to his 2010-11 best in this game.

10.53pm AEST

Duminy played around a full delivery that pinned him in front of middle stump, and it was a surprise when Aleem Dar said not out. But he has had a brilliant match and he was right again: replays showed a clear inside edge.

10.52pm AEST

Duminy survives a huge LBW shout first ball! Clarke is going to review it.

10.50pm AEST

Ryan Harris has broken the back of the South African innings! This is beautiful bowling. It was a perfect length, just outside off stump, and Amla edged a back-foot drive straight to Marsh at first slip. Its Harriss first wicket of the match, and surely confirms that Australia will win this match. Actually it was a better ball than was apparent at first: it snapped off the seam and lifted a touch as well.

10.47pm AEST

These two are fine players of spin, and milk Lyon comfortably for three in that over.

What exactly has Darren Lehmann done? asks a nameless contributor. Apparently just told the Aussies to work hard, relax after and have a beer... But surely theres more to it than that. Otherwise sack all coaches, whats the point.

10.44pm AEST

Both sides will have the precedent of Perth 2008 in mind, when South Africa chased over 400 after being destroyed by Mitchell Johnson in the first innings. Six of the South Africans played in that Test, but it feels different this time. Australia have a much better spinner for one thing. If South Africa are to manage a record-breaking win, Amla and de Villiers surely need to add at least 200.

10.40pm AEST

Nathan Lyon comes into the attack, replacing the unusually expensive but still excellent Siddle (8-2-31-1). He goes straight around the wicket to the right-handers who started this newfangled offspinners line of attack and de Villiers whaps a single to deep mid-on.

It is not such a well-kept secret that Boof Lehman instigated the Ashes win by having Aussie staff and players crack daily jokes, says Andrew Walsh. Quite clearly he has kept this immortal tradition going and stumbled on a beauty here in South Africa.Maybe it was leaked to the South Africans and the batsmen cannot get it out of their minds, having a chuckle as Johnson comes in to bowl. Any idea what this killer joke might be?

10.36pm AEST

Ryan Harris replaces Johnson. His first ball is filthy: short, wide and flashed over the top of slips for four by Amla, who invokes the mac-owning deviants golden rule. He was still unhappy with the stroke, mind, which is a nice insight into his perfectionism. Ive just seen the blow that Amla took in the grille before lunch. Dear me, that was brutal.

If Mitchell Johnson is not the Keyser Soze of the cricket world, says John Starbuck, which supervillain is he?

10.32pm AEST

Amla flips Siddle classily through square leg for four and drives the next ball through mid-off for three to go past 6000 Test runs. Which is 5938 more than most people thought he would get when England beat him up in 2004-05. These two are batting beautifully; if they stay in for the next 10 overs they might give Australia a fright because batting has been much easier with the old ball in this game. Its the sort of game where South Africa could easily be 280 for three and then 330 all out or something.

That mention of Waughian mental disintegration might have got me thinking, but the replays of the Faf du Plessis dismissal aftermath would suggest an awful lot of see ya later chatter by the jubilant Australians, says Gervase Geene. Since when is this robust behaviour so commonplace as to escape mention (clearly we are way past censure). The moral relativism of they/he started it has always been dubious at best, to my mind, with Colly Collingwood beforehand and Jimmy Anderson more recently recipients to surf for that rationale, but this was downright plain-spit ugly and bogan (as we like to say down here). Deeply dispiriting, and its only the first Test...!

10.28pm AEST

Another stunning stroke from de Villiers, a timed back-foot drive for four off Johnson. He has played some astonishingly good shots in this match. Theres another pretty good one, an extravagant, whirling flick-pull for two more. If South Africa do win this series, they might look back on AB de Villiers handling of Johnson in this match as England did Steve Harmisons rough stuff on the first morning of the 2005 Ashes.

10.23pm AEST

de Villiers drives gloriously through mid-on for four, straight from the MCC Coahing Manual, if such a thing still exists. He is disgustingly talented. Siddles response is a beauty that straightens past the outside edge.

10.19pm AEST

This, it is almost offensively obvious to say, is the key partnership between arguably the best two players in the world. Its not that South Africas tail starts at No6, but Australia will feel they have broken the back of the innings when they take the next wicket. Mitchell Johnson snakes in to Amla, around the wicket. A drive is well stopped by Smith at extra cover, and its a maiden.

It would be much more fun, however, to see them bowled out for 165, says Ian Belford. Close games are so passé.

10.14pm AEST

Peter Siddle starts after lunch to AB de Villiers. The funky field klaxon has sounded: he has a deep short leg and an absurd mid-on, just off the cut strip. De Villiers flicked an errant delivery to fine leg for four. Heres a question: is de Villiers the only current player who would be a serious contender for an all-time XI? And do we underrate him?

Fassbender looking particularly unhappy that his sister is getting off with his mate now, says our sports editor Tom Lutz. He could do anything. Hey! Im MBMing Shame.

10.06pm AEST

Both in the overnight coverage of the New Zealand vs India Test and in this one, the commentators have talked about the need for the batsmen to Man up. Perhaps Englands batsmen need to Woman up?

9.58pm AEST

Hello. Somewhere in the world, Steve Waugh is smiling. Okay, hes not smiling he didnt do that on his wedding day but hes happy inside because Australia have taken mental disintegration to a level beyond his most sadistic dreams.

Waughs Australia brutalised teams in this manner, but they were playing against established inferiors. Australia are marmalising apparent superiors, and this only months after the shocking nadir of Lords. Its hard to think of a precedent in Test cricket for a change in form as spectacular as this. Its a once-in-a-lifetime turnaround sparked by a once-in-a-generation bowler

9.38pm AEST

Six byes off the last over before lunch, as a couple of Johnson deliveries stay low and get past Haddin. Meanwhile the cameramen are doing their furious best to zoom in on young women in the crowd, which is a cricketing tradition as old as the Ashes. I dont want to be a killjoy, but things do seem to be getting a bit out of hand this series.

Speaking of things getting out of hand, South Africa still trail by 417 runs. De Villiers and Amla may be able to dig in a bit, but with so much time and a pitch thats getting wilder, its a massive ask.

What a wonderful cross section of the SA cricket loving community we get to see between overs...

9.29pm AEST

De Villiers, meanwhile, gets off the mark with a cover drive for four against Siddle that probably wouldnt be out place on r/frontfootporn (though he was maybe a little bit too upright, if you wanted to be picky, which I do).

Theres a bit of retro seventies about it, says Mark Nicholas about Mitchell Johnsons moustache, which takes stating the obvious to a new level, even for a cricket commentator.

9.25pm AEST

Did you know that theres a whole subreddit devoted to beautiful front foot shots? Its called r/frontfootporn. They should start r/backfootporn for that Amla back foot drive, which he deploys again for another four past cover.

Meanwhile,Markus Sofianos writes an email which unfortunately begins with South Africa have proven twice that they have it in them, both times Faf was the hero.

9.18pm AEST

Just as the trickle of optimistic emails was becoming a flood, du Plessis is given extra cause to grimace as a Siddle delivery stays low and nips in. Beautiful bowling and AB de Villiers is in next.

9.14pm AEST

Johnson comes back into the attack, as everybody wonders about Clarkes decision to bring Warner on. Suffice to say things are progressing slowly at Centurion.

9.10pm AEST

Things get moving with two runs off the next Davey Warner over. Warner.......is.........very..........slow. If South Africa were in any better a situation I imagine they would be doing more with it.

More on the optimism front, with some optimistic pessimism (or is that pessimistic optimism) from Ian Belford:

9.06pm AEST

More grimacing from du Plessis, its pretty slow going at Centurion. Ive got some odds for you Zia

If I were a betting man, Zia, I would tell you that South Africa are now $6.75 underdogs, up from $1.67 favourites at the start of the match. I got these odds from a completely generic online gambling website (though I am open to bribes if youre a multi-millionaire online bookie whos following the blog).

9.01pm AEST

The mighty David Warner has been brought into the attack. But neither du Plessis nor Amla take advantage of the part timer, with only a single off the over.

Meanwhile, on the optimism front, Donal OShea writes: If Johnson loses his mojo anything is almost possible but resistance for almost two days is unthinkable... or is it?

8.57pm AEST

Im working on the odds for you, Zia. In the meantime, Ryan Harris is asking a lot of questions of du Plessis. Like Russell said earlier, its extraordinary that hed be considered a break from Johnson - he regularly bowls at more than 140km/h and is dead consistent (when hes not injured).

8.53pm AEST

Amla plays that great looking back foot cover drive for four once again. The Australian bowlers are still looking threatening, though.

Zia Faruqui comes through with the misplaced optimism, asking:

8.49pm AEST

Harris now comes in for Johnson. I know its way too early to be thinking about this, but now that South Africa have brought up a might 28-run partnership, could they bat it out? Does anyone think they have it in them?

Email me with your misplaced optimism at mcclintock.alex@gmail.com

8.44pm AEST

Du Plessis does not look comfortable. That is to say, he looks even less comfortable than usual. An outside edge miraculously flies through the slips for four, but he manages a better shot with an on drive a few balls later for three.

You might say hes ... faf-ing about. Im sorry, Ill show myself out. Its drinks now in any case.

8.38pm AEST

Amla bumps one with his hip, prompting a dive from Haddin and shouts from the Aussies, but it rolls down to fine leg for four leg byes. Then he calmly (or as calmly as possible against Johnson) nails a back foot drive through cover for four and follows up by doing the exact same thing with the last ball of the over, this time through point.

8.33pm AEST

Peter Siddle is brought into the attack and greets du Plessis with a blistering short ball. Siddle grimaces at du Plessis. Du Plessis grimaces at Siddle. Whose grimace will rain supreme?

Id like to apologise now for my disparaging comments about the Centurion crowd. Its filling up now and at least half the seats are taken. Public executions were once quite popular as well...

8.29pm AEST

Not quite what weve come to expect from Mitch over the last few months this over. Its all a bit wide and Amla is happy to stay well out of the way.

Despite that over (which was a maiden, mind you), the Guardians own Russell Jackson hits the

batsman
nail on the head when it comes to the Australian pace attack.

Imagine actually looking forward to facing Ryan Harris.

8.25pm AEST

Faf du Plessis does what most of us would do in the circumstances and endeavors to get straight off strike on the last ball of Johnsons over. Harris isnt maintaining quite the level of pressure as Mitch, and hasnt found his length yet. Du Plessis notices this and draws a roar from the Centurion crowd with two fours on the leg side, one just behind square, the other just in front.

8.19pm AEST

Johnson claims his second wicket in as many overs, as the South African captain tries to play it down the leg side but instead hits it straight to Alex Doolan at short leg. Doolan doesnt blink.

8.12pm AEST

Johnson welcomes Amla to the crease by nailing him in the head. A look of compassion played out on Michael Clarkes face for a second ... no, Im seeing things. No pity here. No run off the next over from Harris.

@simplysean_ now seems like a bit of an optimist, doesnt he?

First ball sucessfully negotiated. Only 1043 to go.

8.03pm AEST

The gimp
Mitchell Johnson is back! After a bit of an all over the shop over which included a bouncer that sailed over Haddins head for four, Johnson claims the scalp of Petersen, who knicks a brutally fast ball angling towards off stump straight to Haddin. Hashim Amla in next.

8.01pm AEST

Not a confident start for the Proteas as Smith swings and misses at a Harris ball outside off. One off the over.

In response to my question about crowd numbers, John Starbuck writes: Yes, people would turn up to this game, if only because the BDSM community has, I understand, a large following. No difference between them and cricket-watchers, surely?

7.51pm AEST

Well there you go, Australia declare much earlier than many of us suspected they would. South Africa now have 481 to chase, which would be a record at Centurion. With the pitch as it is it looks difficult, to say the least.

Bring out the

gimp
Mitchell Johnson.

7.48pm AEST

Steyn knows where to put the ball, and his slightly fuller length gets Marsh caught behind noncommittally prodding towards cover.

7.44pm AEST

You know what I said about Oysters Morne getting his line right?

I lied; hes back to being inconsistent. The shorter balls are bouncing off the pitch all over the place, which on some level is encouraging for the Proteas, but on another is also terrifying. *Cut to Mitchell Johnson smiling maniacally*

7.41pm AEST

Australia get off the mark for the day with a single leg bye . Marsh knicks it towards Graeme Smith in the slips, but it doesnt carry.

The cameramen have found some bright spots, though.

7.34pm AEST

Aaaand were back. Oysters Mornay is up first, bowling around the wicket to Marsh. The first couple of balls are encouraging, short of a length but not as wide as they were yesterday. The second ball hits Marsh under the armpit. Good morning, sunshine. No runs off the over and the last ball deviates off the pitch and beats a confused looking Marsh.

7.20pm AEST

So obviously the big question right now is when Australia will declare. The Saffas have a record of salvaging some incredible draws, but this would be the most heroic of them all. Youd think Clarke will take the lead to at least 500 before heading for the pavilion.

The other question is whether the weekend will actually improve the attendance figures at Centurion. Would you turn up to watch a public execution like this?

7.13pm AEST

As promised, Im here shortly and Im Alex McClintock (though I prefer to think of myself as being of around average height). Hopefully youre having a good time wherever you are in the world (even if it happens to be South Africa) and youre set for an enjoyable day/night/somewhere-in-between of cricket.

This has become very painful for the Proteas, with even a draw slipping out of reach. David Warner and Alex Doolan turned the screws yesterday and Australia should have at least an hour of batting ahead of them this morning.

6.30pm AEST

Alex will be here shortly, in the meantime heres an extract from the Spin:

If, in the future, anyone wants to identify the precise moment at which the levee broke, they would do well to study this weekend. On Saturday morning, the ICC announced that they had decided to elect N Srinivasan as chairman for a two-year term, starting in July. And on Sunday evening, the ECB issued a joint statement with the PCA in which it railed against the pernicious influence of people outside cricket and revealed that it had sacked the greatest English batsman of this generation because it wanted everyone pulling in the same direction. Presumably towards square leg. Perhaps Pietersen, who occasionally played the shot off the front foot, erred a little too much towards mid-wicket.

And so it became apparent that the fast-rising tide that has been building in recent weeks had, at last, burst through what few remaining barriers of good sense still stood and entirely overwhelmed the game. The moral high ground, if youre looking for it, is somewhere six feet under.

Bayer Leverkusen v PSG as it happened

Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored twice, the second a screamer, as Paris Saint-Germain romped to a 4-0 win in Leverkusen

9.33pm GMT

The flying Cabaye heads Van der Wiels cross straight at Leno, and moments later the final whistle goes. An unexpectedly easy night at the office for PSG, who clinch a quarter-final place with a game to spare. They are lively outsiders for this tournament, and not just because Paul Doyle said so. Thanks for your emails and especially your half-volleys; goodnight!

9.30pm GMT

This is a fine goal from the substitute Cabaye. Ibrahimovic found the overlapping Maxwell, whose deep cut back was a little behind Lucas. He rolled it back to the edge of the box for Cabaye, who placed a classy rising shot past Leno at the near post.

9.27pm GMT

86 min Some action! Ibrahimovic, in an inside-left position, curls a beautiful low cross/pass towards Pastore, eight yards out, and his sliding shot is bravely blocked by Leno, who wears Pastores studs at the point of collision.

9.25pm GMT

85 min I would describe the action, but I dont like lying to you. A number of Leverkusen fans are doing the walk of sadness.

9.24pm GMT

84 min Michael Owen? sniffs Paul Ewart. But arent Bond villains extravagant and louche? I cant see a Bond villain informing the world that hed rather hold it in than pay 30p for the use of a public convenience. On a train.

When we do the Joy of Six: Footballer Tweet - and we will - that has to be be top of the list.

Just paid 30p to have a wee at a train station. Out of principle I tried to hold it in but my train was an hours wait so had to give in.

9.23pm GMT

82 min After what happened in the first half Leverkusen will almost be relieved to have lost 3-0, which in itself is a bit humiliating. This game now resembles a lethargic pre-season friendly.

9.21pm GMT

81 min Sepp Blatter does have a passing resemblance to Joker from Batman, says Ademola-Popoola Oreoluwa.

Christ, can you imagine how Blatter would behave in this situation.

9.19pm GMT

80 min I like Joey Barton as a Bond Villain, says Allan Castle. I can see the tweets now: @GCHQ whos laughing now? #crotchlaser #nuttedhimfirst.

9.17pm GMT

77 min Leverkusens first decent chance of the match falls to Reinart, whose towering header from 10 yards is straight at Sirigu.

9.16pm GMT

76 min The game is winding down. Lavezzi is replaced by Javier Pastore.

9.16pm GMT

75 min If you end up naming a bastardista (or even a Bond villain) XI then please make sure the magnificent Lothar Matheus is in it. I dont know what hes saying here but that doesnt mean it isnt a great clip.

Matthaus, Stefan Effenberg and Oliver Kahn, the greatest nemeses Bond never had.

9.14pm GMT

73 min Nothing is really happening. Zlatan looks as if hes wrestling with an internal dilemma: he wants a hat-trick, but can he really be bothered with the necessary effort. He is penalised, though not booked, for shoving Bender over off the ball.

9.12pm GMT

72 min Brandt has lifted the mood as only young players can, and sparks a Leverkusen attack with an extravagant crossfield pass played with the outside of the foot. Nothing comes of it, mind.

9.11pm GMT

71 min This is a great call from Phil Sawyer. Evening, Rob darling. Zlatan would be a crap Bond villain. As would Keane. On the grounds that Bond would walk into the underground cave and immediately finger them as the villain. Its the totally mundane ones who at first glance have nothing of interest to denote them who would make the best Bond villains. In which case, little Mickey Owen is quids in.

And just imagine him saying No Mr Bond, I want you to die in that voice. Im shivering just thinking about it.

9.10pm GMT

69 min Hawrite Rob! says Ryan Dunne. Some good ideas, but weve missed the open goal of suggesting Sepp Blatter as a footballing Bond villain (probably already has the Volcano-based lair). Emailing this whilst checking my inbox for a reply to a Valentines Day email I sent to a girl (no reply as yet, but am blaming this on the UK/Boston time difference. Maybe its like five days behind instead of five hours!

When you get married can I please come to your wedding? After this epic search for true love, I will hemorrhage tears of joy when you meet the one.

9.08pm GMT

67 min Thats the end of Matuidis excellent performance, with Yohan Cabaye replacing him.

9.07pm GMT

66 min An own-goal from the substitute Wollscheid is disallowed for an offside against Lavezzi, even though he didnt touch the ball. Matuidis shot was saved by Leno, who pushed it onto the body of Wollscheid and into the net. That was probably the wrong decision but, well, who cares.

9.05pm GMT

64 min The 17-year-old Julian Brandt, making his Champions League debut, wins a corner for Leverkusen. Yes, yes I know I didnt inform you that he came on the field. I missed that. P45 please! He came on at half-time, it says here, presumably for Son Heung-Min.

9.03pm GMT

63 min The diving in mens football is so tedious and embarrassing. As my colleague Gary Naylor said the other day, its not that the players need to man up; they need to woman up.

9.02pm GMT

61 min The Leverkusen fans are booing everything now. Leverkusen have brought on a centre-half, Philipp Wollscheid, to replace Sidney Sam.

9.00pm GMT

58 min Lucas tries to run Spahic down the right wing and goes down holding his snout. Castro is booked for disputing the free-kick - and now Spahic has been given a second yellow! Thats a pretty poor decision from the assistant, who advised the referee before the red card came out. Spahic put his hand across Lucas, and he did make contact with his face, but it wasnt an elbow and it wasnt deliberate. Lucas made the most of it in the tedious modern style, and now Leverkusen are down to ten men.

8.57pm GMT

57 min Not much is happening.Thats the latest update from your award-winning Guardian.

8.55pm GMT

55 min I dont think The Zlatan would be a good Bond villain, says Justin Dingha. As The Zlatan would give his plans to Bond ahead of time, as per the script, he would actually fulfill it with style and insouciance. Can you imagine a Bond villain pairing of The Zlatan and Berbatov? What chance would the mighty MI6 have?

How about Roy Keane as a Bond villain? Now that Id pay to see. Listen, I dont rate you as a secret agent, I dont rate you as a lothario and I dont rate you as a person. Stick your 007 up your bollix!

8.53pm GMT

52 min Leverkusen are playing with much greater intensity, however, and its fair to assume they had a not insignificant rollocking from Hyypia at half-time.

8.52pm GMT

51 min If Leverkusen can nick one here ... it wont change a thing, will it. Not even those Sky Sports News oddballs could talk this one up.

8.50pm GMT

50 min Ibrahimovic, of course, is now the leading scorer in this seasons competition with 10.

8.48pm GMT

49 min I wasnt sure what the rules were for a half volley but reckon its the same as in tennis ie ball and ground basically together, says Dennis Johns. Thats not the point of this though. Sunday Olisehs winner in the 3-2 against Spain is the point of this. Id rather have scored that goal than any other goal Ive ever seen, I reckon.

8.48pm GMT

47 min Lucas, on the halfway line, slithers neatly between Guardado and Castro, who both pull him back. Guardado is booked.

8.48pm GMT

46 min Leverkusen begin the second half. The captain Simon Rolfes has been replaced by Stefan Reinartz.

8.44pm GMT

A self-made half volley? says Niall Mullen. A masterpiece nonetheless.

Oh aye. Theres something wonderfully deranged about that goal, as if an invisible man slipped a marmot down his pants just as he controlled the ball on his chest.

8.40pm GMT

Heres Zlatan putting the hurt on Leverkusen just before half time.

8.36pm GMT

Two goals, what a bastard! - Emil Lager.

A true half-volley must be hit just a split second after the ball has bounced, so that the bounce and contact are almost simultaneous. Anything else and its no longer a true half-volley. To use tennis as an example, every shot would be a half-volley if we used the hit it after its bounced definition. Without bouncing = volley. On the bounce = half-volley - Simon McMahon.

8.32pm GMT

A complete mismatch, sad to say. PSG have better players, more confidence, more conviction - and they have Zlatan, who after a quiet start to the game scored a monstrous third goal just before half time. See you in 15 minutes.

8.31pm GMT

44 min A great Tom Huddlestone half volley here, says Phil Cowen. The most impressive thing is how easy he makes this look.

He has one serious sweet spot, that lad. I thought he would turn out to be a much better player than he has, good though he obviously is.

8.29pm GMT

What a hit! Matuidi received Maxwells cross from the left in the area, back to goal. He was under pressure, falling backwards, but managed to ease the ball towards Ibrahimovic, just outside the area to the left of centre. He stomped onto the ball and, first time, boomed a left-footed shot across goal that swerved away from Leno and roared into the top corner. That was a bona fide blooter-belter from PSGs bastardista. To use the old line from Sir Alex Ferguson, he hit that ball like he wanted to kill it. Glorious.

8.27pm GMT

This is a laughably good goal from Ibrahimovic.

8.24pm GMT

PSG are into the quarter-finals. Ibrahimovic sidefoots an excellent penalty into the bottom-left corner. Leno went the right way but it was hit with good pace and into the side netting.

8.23pm GMT

It seemed that PSG had missed a great chance, when Matuidi miscontolled Maxwells low cross a few yards from goal. But, to general confusion around the ground, the referee penalised Spahic for pulling Lavezzi off the ball at the near post. Spahic was booked and the commentators are suggesting its an excellent spot from the referee. Im not sure as I missed the replay while urgently typing PENALTY!

8.22pm GMT

Whats going on here then?

8.22pm GMT

37 min Would Eric Cantona be a bastardista? asks Robin Hazlehurst. In a sort of thinking mans Vinnie Jones way? Incidentally, kicking the ball just as it hits the ground is called a drop-kick I believe, so the obvious half volley champion is Jonny Wilkinson. Or something.

Im confused now. It rarely takes much. As for Cantona, definitely. Comical arrogance is perhaps the defining quality of the bastardista.

8.21pm GMT

36 min Spahics bouncing long-ranger is comfortably held by Sirigu. Thats Leverkusens first shot on target.

8.20pm GMT

35 min Ibrahimovic flicks the ball arrogantly, delightfully, imperiously straight out for a throw-in. He hasnt had his best game, though thats part of the deal with such an unpredictable genius.

8.18pm GMT

33 min Freudian, is the subject of Matt Donys email. Evening, R-Smy. Each time I see Spahic, I misread it as Sapphic. Not sure what that says about me...

Thats a fascinating coincidence because every time I see Spahic I misread it as WHAT THE HELL BECAME OF MY CAREER.

8.16pm GMT

30 min Son almost slips a short-range return pass through a pack of defenders to put Bender through on goal. Instead it is blocked, after which Verratti dribbles his way out of trouble with an impressively arrogant certainty. He looks a player.

8.15pm GMT

29 min Have you read the magnificent bastardistas book? says Niall Mullen. It is, by all accounts, magnificent. No but its sitting impatiently on my bookshelf. As soon as I finish Wayne Mardles Hawaii 501 I shall read it.

8.13pm GMT

28 min Leverkusen move the ball nicely across the field to the overlapping Hilbert. His cross, alas, isnt worth a damn. But this is a better spell for Leverkusen. Moments later Hilbert slithers past Lavezzi and puts over an excellent dipping cross towards Kiessling, near the penalty spot. Alex gets there just before him to clear awkwardly.

8.12pm GMT

27 min Rob Lee scored a cracker against Brentford in Newcastles 1992-3 promotion season, says Paul OKeefe. Unfortunately, it was disallowed because of an offside call against a Brentford player in the Newcastle half.

Does that count as a half-volley? Either way, its a ridiculous goal - especially as in those pre-Beckham days there were very few goals from 50 yards or more, certainly in this country.

8.10pm GMT

25 min Leverkusen are being totally outplayed. They look pretty low on confidence, probably a consequence of their poor recent form. They need to keep it like this till half-time and then hope for a change of mood in the second half.

8.08pm GMT

22 min Spahic is perhaps harshly penalised for a push on Ibrahomvic, who moves his hands back and forth in a semi-circle to remind Spahic of the purpose of football. Nothing comes from the free-kick.

8.07pm GMT

20 min What does it mean to be a bastardista? says Emil Lager. To have long hair and be a villain on the pitchbut quite ok off it? To play in the same team as Elmander for Sweden and never say anything patronizing to/about the Norwich striker is saint-like behavior.Remember those videos of Messi when he shouted pass me the ball, looser! toTello? That is more bastardista to me..PS I know Z will get sent off tonight just to prove me wrong...

Sorry, I should have clarified. Bastardista is a team of endearment. Even Zlatans biggest fans would surely admit there is something of the magnificent Hollywood supervillain about him. Actually, hed be a fantastic Bond villain. Zlatan, the taekwondo master.

8.04pm GMT

18 min Leverkusen get a breather when Kiessling, their disingenuous nine, pulls wide and is fouled by Maxwell. Castros low, curling cross from the right brings a header from Kiessling that bounces up and is tipped over by Sirigu, though its all moot as Kiessling was offside.

8.02pm GMT

17 min This has been a performance of cool authority from PSG, both with and without the ball. They are winning it back very efficiently and often high up the pitch, which of course is how the goal came about.

8.01pm GMT

15 min At the moment PSG look much better than Leverkusen, who despite being a) at home and b) a goal down have no choice but to play like the away side for now. Their burgeoning frustration manifests itself in an ill-advised lunge on Ibrahimovic by Hilbert, who is booked.

7.58pm GMT

11 min That should have been 2-0 to PSG. Van der Wiels hanging cross from the right was dropped miserably by

poor
Leno, under a bit of pressure from Matuidi but nothing untoward. It came to Ibrahimovic, eight yards out, and his furious first-time half-volley struck Omer Toprak right into the breadbasket before deflecting away from goal. Moments later Lavezzi, under considerable pressure from Hilbert, mishit a difficult volley.

7.56pm GMT

9 min Guardados left-wing cross ricochets towards Sam, near the penalty spot, and with defenders converging he spanks a first-time shot into orbit. It was a difficult chance.

7.54pm GMT

8 min Told you about Ma tuidi, says Alex Netherton, who did precisely that when I

got him to write my preamble for me
picked his brain on PSG this afternoon.

7.53pm GMT

7 min PSG win a free-kick in an ominous position, 25 yards out and very central. The bastardista is over the ball, and he thrashes it straight into the wall. He hit that like he wanted to hurt someone in the wall rather than score a goal.

7.51pm GMT

4 min Matuidi, who is a zesty little bugger in midfield, is booked for a sliding foul on Sidney Sam.

7.49pm GMT

Matuidi started and finished the move. He snapped at Rolfes heels in midfield, gave the ball to Ibrahimovic on the right and kept going. Ibrahimovic gave it back infield to Verratti, who slipped a nice angled pass through a big hole in the defence, and Matuidi sidefooted it under Leno with his left foot from 15 yards. Leno, who got a pretty strong hand on it, might feel he should have done better. It was a good ball from Verratti, though, played between defenders and weighted immaculately so that Matuidi could take the shot first time on the run.

7.47pm GMT

This is far too easy for PSG.

7.47pm GMT

2 min Id recommend Nick Henrys half volley in the replay in 1990, says Gerald Aston. A wonderful save from poor old Jim Leighton, as well. That Oldham are another reminder why winning isnt everything. The greatest neutrals favourites in English football history.

7.46pm GMT

1 min The Paristas, in white, kick off from right to left. Leverkusen are wearing very, very, very, very, very dark blue.

7.41pm GMT

What is a half-volley? Weve had a few suggestions that involve players hottong a ball that has bounced once - hence the half - but I always thought a half-volley was when the ball hit both the player kicked the ball just as it hit the ground.

Hmph.

7.40pm GMT

I would love it if my dying words were Matt Le Tissier I love that man, Iwouldloveits Rachel Clifton. How can you beat that goal against Newcastle? Not that I dont love Rickie Lambert, but you cant beat Le Tiss

The best thing about that goal - and the volley later on - is that it was his first game back in the team, because Ian Branfoot had dropped him for a month! Branfoot picked a front two of Paul Moody and Iain Dowie ahead of Le Tissier. He picked Frankie Bennett, who would spend his early thirties playing for Forest Green Rovers, Aberystwyth and Weston-super-Mare, as substitute ahead of Le Tissier. That really is heroically thick management.

7.22pm GMT

Favourite half-volley? says Tom Hopkins. Im going with Charlie George, 27 October 1975. First goal of a hat-trick against Real Madrid no less. Tried it myself many times. Fell over my own feet. Every. Single. Time.

7.14pm GMT

Evening Rob, says Joe Ludlam. Heres a half-volley for you. John Sheridan in the 1991 League Cup final, not just for the sweetness of the strike but the sound it makes as the ball ricochets from Sealeys gloves onto the post before the roar of the crowd kicks in. I often wonder why modern TV coverage doesnt give the option of listening to crowd noise rather than commentary, as it is one of the most important aspects of attending a live game.

And commentary in this country, with a few exceptions, is pretty poor these days. Its strange that as punditry has improved, so commentary has regressed.

7.07pm GMT

This is a seriously accomplished half-volley, too, especially as it was a late equaliser in a game so spiteful - there was a fight in the tunnel at half-time - that losing wasnt an option. Im surprised more people dont regard Ole Solskjaer as the greatest finisher of the Premier League era; its certainly the case that nobody had his range, though you can understand why people would go for Alan Shearer, Robbie Fowler, Ruud van Nistelrooy and Thierry Henry. Id pick Solskjaer, mind. Im sure hes thrilled.

6.59pm GMT

Bayer Leverkusen (4-3-3) Leno; Hilbert, Spahic, Omer Toprak, Guardado; Bender, Rolfes, Castro; Sam, Kiessling, Son Heung-Min.
Substitutes: Yelldell, Reinartz, Wollscheid, Hegeler, Oztunali, Boenisch, Brandt.

Paris Saint-Germain (4-3-3) Sirigu; Van der Wiel, Alex, Thiago Silva, Maxwell; Verratti, Thiago Motta, Matuidi; Lucas, Ibrahimovic, Lavezzi.
Substitutes: Douchez, Cabaye, Marquinhos, Menez, Digne, Rabiot, Pastore.

6.41pm GMT

Whats your favourite half-volley ever? Doesnt have to have ended in a goal. Ill start with an obvious but irresistible choice, 3m 10s into the below video. There are people who grew up in the 1990s whose dying words will be Matt Le Tissier, so loved was he. He didnt win a single trophy, he never had an ice bath, and he got himself a McMuffin on the way to training most mornings, on one occasion having so many that he had a fainting fit. Theres a point there somewhere.

6.20pm GMT

The atmosphere will be magnificent in Leverkusen tonight, as it always is. Every time a German crowd reaches a certain decibel level, an avaricious goon at the Premier League should be sacked.

6.00pm GMT

France are the great underachievers of European club football. They have won two major international tournaments and two European trophies. Contrast that with Spain (two international tournaments, 33 European trophies) and England (one international tournament, 31 European trophies) in particular and you realise there is an unusual relationship between Frances achievements at club and international level. Even one of those two European triumphs, Marseilles Champions League victory in 1992-93, was discredited.

There are a number of possible reasons for this, from the tax laws to mentality to a culture of selling star players abroad that became entrenched in the 1990s. What is clear is this: French club football needs to pull its bloody finger out! Since Monaco reached the final a decade ago, in the Champions Leagues open season, France has had just one European Cup semi-finalist: Lyon in 2010.

The harsh truth is that Manchester City fluffed their lines on and off the field

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Arsenal v Bayern Munich as it happened

Wojcech Szczesny was sent off and Mesut Ozil missed a penalty before Bayern showed their class with two second-half goals

9.36pm GMT

Thats it. There will be talk of the missed penalty and the red card, of course, but the most important detail is that Arsenal are a good side and Bayern a great one. That difference in class became increasingly obvious as the game progressed, both before and after Szczesny was sent off. Bye!

9.35pm GMT

90+1 min Kroos hits the post with a deliberate sidefoot from 20 yards, the ball shimmering across the turf like a bowling ball. He is a wonderful player. Arsenal have gone. If this went on for another ten minutes it would be 5-0.

9.34pm GMT

90 min Arsenal are on their knees. Gotzes shot deflects just wide of goal. There will be two added minutes.

9.34pm GMT

89 min When we write the Joy of Six: intelligent footballers, Thomas Muller will surely be up there. He is a miracle of resourcefulness.

9.33pm GMT

Thomas Muller finds the unmarked blade of grass in the penalty area and puts Arsenal out of Europe. Its a beautifully worked goal. Pizarros brilliant centre-to-right run takes Mertesacker out of the game; Muller pulls off Flamini to meet Lahms precise chipped pass from the right and head it carefully into the corner from eight yards. Thats a high-class goal.

9.31pm GMT

Well there that goes.

9.31pm GMT

87 min Koscielny wins a free-kick just inside the Bayern half. Its wasted by Wilshere.

Nomination for shortest debate of the year, says Colin Livingstone. Kroos or Wilshere.

9.30pm GMT

85 min Actually, perhaps Bayern, Robben excepted, could have been a little more ruthless in the last 15 minutes. It shouldnt matter but a score of 1-0 does give Arsenal at least a snifter of hope. Rosicky is booked for fouling Robben.

9.29pm GMT

83 min Regarding whether to join in and send you an abusive note it boils down to defending a person I like or siding with the powerful, says Ian Copetake. Well, you muppet ...

NB: the clip below contains some lively language.

9.27pm GMT

82 min Arsenal cross the halfway line.

9.26pm GMT

81 min Another wonderfully decisive run from Robben, buzzing infield from the right, takes him into the six-yard box before his cutback is cleared desperately for a corner.

9.23pm GMT

79 min Another Bayern change: the quiet Thiago off, the 472-year-old Chelsea alumnus Claudio Pizarro on. That means Bayern are playing two up front. And four at the back. 4-4-2 you might say. Peps the Spanish John Beck!

9.22pm GMT

78 min Ozil, says Sarah McLeroy. This was definitely in the brochure. Its who Ozil is, brilliant for a while and then invisible or even a liability the rest of the time. He can be sublime but that never lasts. He has shown this inability to play at his highest level for long periods of time running at every club he has played at.

Sorry, should have made it clearer: I meant that marking a full-back wasnt in the brochure that Arsenal showed him.

9.20pm GMT

77 min Imagine what Bayern could do to Manchester United if they get them in the quarter-finals!

9.20pm GMT

76 min Yes, that should have been a penalty. Muller tried to stay on his foot, which may have cost him, but he was clearly fouled having wrongfooted Koscielny. Muller didnt appeal, which is a bit odd. Then again Chris Waddle didnt appeal when he was clearly fouled in the box in the Italia 90 semi-final.

9.19pm GMT

75 min Ooooh ooohs Gary Neville when Muller goes over in the box after a challenge from Koscielny. I was reading abusive emails so missed it Im afraid.

9.18pm GMT

74 min Arsenal make their final substitution, with Tomas Rosicky replacing the tiring Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. Its a bit of a surprise that Ozil is still on the field, mind.

9.17pm GMT

72 min Robben frees the overlapping Lahm, who sidefoots a fierce first-time cross towards the near post. Gotze meets it with a diving header across goal that deflects off Mertesacker and just wide of the near post.

9.16pm GMT

71 min This is a masterclass in possession football, less indulgent than Spain and the current Barcelona. Ramba Zamba > tiki-taka. The key is Robben, who has such penetration in his play. He has been absurdly good tonight.

9.15pm GMT

70 min Robben, on the right corner of the box, uses Ozil as a screen and Whitesides a delicious curling shot just wide of the far post. By the way the score, in passes, is Bayern 561-140 Arsenal.

9.13pm GMT

68 min Do you think Kroos could be underrated because of his quiet and often seemingly arrogant nature? says Pierre Muller. He looks like hes in a symbiosis with this thing on his foot, cant think of a actual football looking more elegant, more gifted with pure talent, but still... I dont like him, it just seems like he knows too well how good he is. Do you like him?

I do. On the list of arrogant German midfield players, surely he only just sneaks into the top 4000?

9.11pm GMT

66 min The sliding Muller is approximately 0.2423127 millimetres away from converting Rafinhas superb low cross from the right. Bayern have marmalised Arsenal down this right-hand side. Im amazed Wenger hasnt switched Ozil and Oxladee-Chamberlain. Ozil either doesnt want to or doesnt know how to defend.

9.09pm GMT

65 min As were all getting very excited about things tonight, potentially prematurely, how much more rope has Ozil got before officially Arshaving? says Elliot Carr-Barnsley. Since the skill for the penalty incident, he has seemed completely unaware of what hes meant to be achieving either going forward or covering back.

When he joined Arsenal, this definitely wasnt in the brochure.

9.08pm GMT

64 min Robben tees up Rafinha, whose first-time cross is headed wide by the under-pressure Gotze. Bayern take off Mandzukic and bring on the false nines false nine, Thomas Muller.

9.08pm GMT

63 min Fabianski makes a fine save from Robben. Kroos (I think), clipped a penetrative angled 20-yard pass over the head of Koscielny. Robben hared beyond the defence and sidefooted the ball first time back whence it came. I think it was a shot, although it may have been an attempted cross to Mandzukic. Either way, Fabianski plunged to his right to palm it away.

9.06pm GMT

62 min Red card and pelanty rule, says Felix Wood. The red card is a punishment for the player fouling in DOGSO. The pelanty is to ensure that no advantage is gained. The first is to discourage the foul being made in future, the latter to ensure the attacking team isnt penalised. One punitive, the other compensatory. One without the other would always mean it would be more worth risking the foul than not. Is that what you want? Really? YOURE A MONSTER.

9.05pm GMT

61 min Bayern are now roaming the green with the most delicious arrogance. We are better than you, and we are going to remind you of that fact for every remaining second of this match.

9.04pm GMT

60 min On Sky, Bill Leslie reminds us that thats Arsenals 100th red card under Wenger. Opta stats confirm that Wenger saw all 100 incidents, and disagreed with the lot.

9.03pm GMT

59 min Bayern have had 78 per cent of the possession in this half. Long live Ramba Zamba.

9.02pm GMT

57 min Arsenal cant get out of their third, never mind their half.

9.01pm GMT

56 min So England will have two European Cup quarter-finalists at most, to go with none last year. This is surely Englands worst period in Europe since the mid-1990s.

9.00pm GMT

55 min Sanogo is booked for running into Neuer. Wenger, on the touchline, makes a dive motion to Robben. He saw that incident, then. Wengers noggin has gone, just like Pellegrinis last night.

8.59pm GMT

This is a glorious goal from Kroos. It came, inevitably, from a move down the right. After a bit of Ramba Zamba, Lahm came infield and played the ball back to Kroos. He was 20 yards out, in front of the near post, and leaned back to place a languid curling shot into the top corner. Fabianski leapt to his left but had no chance. That was a majestic goal from a still underrated footballer.

8.58pm GMT

Pick that out.

8.57pm GMT

53 min Bayern are killing Arsenal down the right, with Rafinha and Robben. This time Robben comes infield, along the line of the box before shaping a nice curler towards the far post that is comfortably saved by the plunging Fabianski.

8.57pm GMT

52 min Wenger must be tempted to bring on Giroud for Sanogo. The problem is that would be his third substitution, a risk so early in the game.

8.56pm GMT

51 min A chance for Arsenal. Ozils inswinging free-kick from the right finds Koscielny, who loses Martinez just inside the area, but he overruns the ball.

8.54pm GMT

50 min Arsenal have barely touched the ball since half-time.

8.53pm GMT

48 min Should that have been another penalty to Bayern? Thiago was moving onto a driven cross from the left when he fell over and missed the ball. At the same time a challenge came in from behind. Whether that affected him we dont yet know, as they havent shown a replay. Nobody seemed to make very much of it. The ball was half-cleared to Kroos, whose long-range shot was straight at Fabianski and easily held.

8.50pm GMT

46 min Bayern make a half-time substitution, with Rafinha replacing Boateng. So Martinez goes to centre-back and Lahm into midfield. Gotzes dangerous cross towards Mandzukic is cleared.

8.48pm GMT

The more you see the penalty, the more you understand the perception that it was not a red card. Its really hard to call. Perhaps one of the covering defenders would have got there before Robben; I dont know. I know this isnt a popular standpoint in this age of faux outrage, but I can see both sides!

If Özil had gone past Boateng, says Haris Odobasic, wouldnt he have been 1 on 1 with Neuer which is a clear goalscoring opportunity, or not?

8.44pm GMT

Whats going on here then?

8.43pm GMT

It seems there are plenty of you who dont think it was a penalty, never mind a red card. I thought it was a clear decision once Id seen the first replay. We should see it again in a minute. Michael Ballack on Sky calls it a clear penalty and that he hates the rule whereby the player has to be sent off too. Hes right. The red card is for denying a clear goalscoring opportunity, but what is a penalty if not a clear goalscoring opportunity? A penalty and a yellow seems fair unless it is a comically cynical foul.

In other news, that touch of Ozils to create the penalty was pure genius not only did he Cruyff-turn Boateng, he stunned the ball into the ground so that it bounced over Boatengs trailing leg, which then brought him down. If Ozil meant that and I think he did its ludicrous skill.

8.39pm GMT

Heres Wojcech Szczesny reaction to his red card.

8.37pm GMT

Somewhere in the world, Greavsie is nodding sagely. That was a funny old half, with two missed penalties and a red card overshadowing some high-class football from both sides. See you in 10 minutes.

8.35pm GMT

45+1 min There are suggestions that Szczesny responded to his red card with a popular playground hand signal. The one that conveys the perception that the recipient is an incorrigible onanist. Szczesny should have done it in the referees face. Whats the referee going to do, send him off again?

8.32pm GMT

45 min Robben is still being booed. I suppose theres an element of the boy who cried wolf but its certainly misplaced in this instance. He was clearly fouled. Meanwhile, Mandzukic is booked for something or other. Nobody seems to know what.

8.30pm GMT

44 min Kroos gets a final warning from the referee, presumably for repeat offending.

8.30pm GMT

43 min Naylors idea is a good one, says Simon Huxtable. I have another: if a player irritates the referee through his backchat, then the referee can give him a choice: either a yellow card or referees justice, which is a kick in the shins (without shinpads). A player already on a yellow might choose refs justice, but might face a lengthy spell on the sidelines if the ref is feeling particularly mean.

8.28pm GMT

42 min Robben is being booed for the crime of having his shinbone treated like a football by Szczesny.

8.26pm GMT

40 min This game is turning into a farce. Alaba sidefoots the penalty confidently but straight onto the outside of the left post, with Fabianski going the wrong way.

8.25pm GMT

39 min Santi Cazorla - who has contributed to Arsenals problems by doing no defending - is sacrificed, with the replacement goalkeeper Lukasz Fabianski coming on.

8.24pm GMT

Actually, maybe it is a legitimate red card. Robben, zipping infield from the right, played a lovely one-two with Kroos, who clipped his return pass over the top of a static defence. Robben, flying through the air, got there just before Szczesny and was sent tumbling. A clear penalty. At first I thought Robben had pushed it too wide to be a clear goalscoring opportunity; on reflection Robben would surely have scored.

8.23pm GMT

This is clearly a penalty, though the red card seems more than a little harsh.

8.22pm GMT

36 min Arsenal are living on the seat of their grundies. Koscielnys stumble allows Robbens angled pass to put Mandzukic clear on the right of the box. He could hit a first-time cross shot but instead tries to come back inside the recovering last man Koscielny, who dispossesses him crucially.

8.21pm GMT

35 min This is a fine spell for Bayern, with the Ramba Zamba machine growling into life. That said, Szczesny hadnt had a save to make. Yet. He also has one then when the overlapping Alaba cuts the ball back sharply to Robben, whose fierce first-time shot from 10 yards hits the unwitting Mertesacker on the six-yard line. I think Szczesny would have saved it, though its hard to be certain. What is clear is that it was a beautiful move.

8.20pm GMT

32 min Gary Naylor claims the likes of Pelligrini should be captured by his rule. While Pellegrini was not covering himself in glory last night, Gary could take a look down Kings Road at Chelsea to see the problem with his idea. Chelsea would be paying Mourinho 4 million or so a year to never pick his team.

What do you mean claims? Pellegrini was bang out of order! Naylor cited him because it was the most recent incident. Everyone knows what Mourinhos like; nobody said otherwise. Give the keyboard outrage a rest.

8.17pm GMT

31 min Gibbs limps off and is replaced by Nacho Monreal.

8.15pm GMT

29 min Wilshere and Oxlade-Chamberlain have been very good so far. Another youngster, Gibbs, looks in trouble. He is lying on his back and, though hes not in any obvious pain, he appears to have pulled something. Moments earlier Boateng, booked when he conceded the penalty, stops an Arsenal counter-attack with a foul on Wilshere. He was 80 yards from his own goal and a second yellow would have been excessive, though some more officious jokers would have shown one.

8.14pm GMT

27 min Krooss inswinging free-kick from deep on the left is headed well wide by the under-pressure Mandzukic.

8.13pm GMT

26 min This managerial whining after big clubs lose, effecting the double whammy of intimidating referees and deflecting attention away from defeats is deeply tedious, says Gary Naylor. Touchline bans and fines arent going to deter them, so why not hit them where it hurts? The likes of Pelligrini should name his team and then have the opposition manager nominate a player to be stood down and replaced by a sub. Playground insults deserve (reverse) playground rules. And if not this... what?

STOP FOOTBALL?

8.11pm GMT

25 min A sinuous run from Oxlade-Chamberlain brings a corner for Arsenal. He has been terrific on the right wing. Cazorlas corner is taken down by Sanogo 15 yards out and then lumped clear. This is a good spell for Arsenal.

8.10pm GMT

22 min The influential Oxlade-Chamberlain harasses Alaba into a dodgy backpass and hares after it. Neuer gets there just before Oxlade-Chamberlain to hack clear.

8.07pm GMT

21 min Arsenals neat one-touch move ends with an errant touch from Sanogo just inside the box. Poor Ozil then incurs the displeasure of the crowd with a bad pass. How dare you Mesut!

8.04pm GMT

19 min As soon as I saw penalty in the MBM I was pretty sure the next update would be an Ozil miss, says Justin Kavanagh. No beef against him, great player, but doesnt feel like hes a killer penalty taker. Does Arsenal really have anyone who fits the bill?

Its often the case that the most beautiful creative players lack that need to kill. It was often said about Bergkamp (another dodgy penalty taker) and Laudrup as well.

8.04pm GMT

18 min A Bayern corner from the right is half cleared to Alaba, whose fizzing shot from 20 yards is well blocked by Flamini.

8.01pm GMT

17 min Maybe Sanogo is too young and inexperienced to be scared, says Gordon Burns. It almost worked for the USA in its quartefinal against Germany at the 2002 World Cup. I dont see why we should lose to Germany, said the young Landon Donovan before that game. Why should we lose to Germany?

And of course they lost to Germany. But yes, its a fair point; weve seen it so many times before.

8.01pm GMT

16 min A quiet period. Bayern are slowly warming up the Ramba Zamba. Arsenal were magnificent for those first 10 minutes, but this is starting to look ominous.

7.59pm GMT

14 min I always felt that Glenn Hoddles decision not to take Paul Gascoigne to the 1998 World Cup was a brave decision, says Karl Gibbons. Quite a few papers at the time felt it was wrong, and whilst 1998 didnt quite work out for England, they certainly didnt miss him. Sadly for him it seemed to fast forward his decline thereafter. The less said about Hoddles view of previous lives the better.

7.59pm GMT

13 min The mood of the match has changed with that penalty miss. Bayern are having a lot of the ball now, albeit with no penetration.

7.56pm GMT

10 min Arsenal had started wonderfully, tearing into Bayern, and they should be ahead. You know how these things play out.

7.55pm GMT

Oh my goodness. Ozil waited and waited and then hit a poor penalty that was far too straight and at saveable height. Neuer almost dived beyond it, moving to his left, but managed to beat it away with his right hand. As Daniel Harris says opposite me, it was similar to one of David Seamans saves away to Sampdoria in 1994-95.

7.54pm GMT

This is magnificent football from Arsenal! Ozil, put through on the left of the box, Cruyff-turns Boateng, who brings him down with a dangling leg and is booked. Thats a clear penalty. Ozil was actually offside when he ran onto Wilsheres through pass, but it was a stunning turn.

7.53pm GMT

6 min Neuer makes a great save from Sanogo! The ball broke in the box to Sanogo, who sidefooted a low first-time effort towards the right corner. Neuer, who had been moving the other way, did brilliantly to change direction and get down in time to palm the shot away.

7.52pm GMT

5 min Sanogo bursts clear on the right of the box after a penetrative pass from Wilshere. The move peters out but Sanogo has started with considerable zest. As have Arsenal. Oxlade-Chamberlains excellent cross from the right almost finds the head of Sanogo, with Boateng doing very well to clear.

7.50pm GMT

4 min One persons brave decision to play Sanogo is anothers idiocy, says Howard Fishman. Seems to me this is Arsenes passive-aggressive attitude towards Girouds indiscretions. Time and place, Arsene.

A decision can be brave and idiotic, surely?

7.49pm GMT

3 min Bayern are playing with Robben left and Gotze right. They barely got a kick for, er, 90 seconds, but they are on the ball now and Szczesny has to make a fantastic save from Kroos! The ball was moved lazily back and forth across midfield until Kroos, 30 yards shot, drilled a rising drive across goal with his left foot. Szczesny leapt to his left and tipped the ball over with his wrong hand, the right.

7.47pm GMT

2 min Theres been plenty said about Arsenes decisions, but Peps made a couple of interesting choices too, says Tanay Padhi. Muller on the bench, a proper centre-forward, and Lahm returning to fullback. Peps gone orthodox!

Hes no better than John Beck.

7.46pm GMT

1 min Arsenal kick off from left to right. They should enjoy that kick. Theres a belting atmosphere at the Emirates I know and a promotion to big-big-game duties for Skys excellent commentator Bill Leslie. Sanogo whips the crowd up some more with an intrepid if ultimately futile run.

7.34pm GMT

Prediction: Arsenal 1-3 Bayern.

7.33pm GMT

That book plug, says Conor Creighton. Undignified in the extreme but youre off the hook if you plug my book too. Saint Frank. Its not about football, its about a boy who can talk to animals. But I am an Arsenal fan and I live in Munich so there is context.

7.29pm GMT

In view of this Sanogo business, please send in your nominations for the bravest managerial decision. Ill start with two: Arrigo Sacchi taking off Roberto Baggio at USA 94, which some lummox wrote about here, and dear old Fergie dismantling his first great team in the summer of 1995.

7.27pm GMT

Perhaps Sanogo offers more penetration than Giroud? says Simon Naylor-Copestake. HONK!

Ill be the judge of a honk round here, sonny.

7.19pm GMT

Book one.

Book two.

7.15pm GMT

On my way to the game, says Tim OSullivan. Shame Thomas Muller has already worked out which blade of grass will be unmarked in the 18-yard box in the 77th minute, the clever swine. Anyway, if Bayern are a fusion of Barça 08-12 and last seasons Bayern, then we sort of fuse Flashdance with MC Hammer shit. Should be fun.

7.09pm GMT

I wouldnt agree on your Porto statement, Rob, says Venkata Subramanian. They had to overcome Manchester United in the round of 16,who were the defending Premier League champions that year and one of the heavy weights. After that their path was easy. Which in all fairness still means that, Arsenal will get Barcelona in the next round IF (infinitely big) they get past Bayern.

Yes, but United are the defending Premier League champions this season. They are also useless. United were, a couple of gloriously defiant FA Cup performances aside, a shambles in the second half of the 2003-04 season.

6.56pm GMT

6.42pm GMT

It seems to me that while Arsenal may rue their luck in so often meeting the top dogs once they get out of the group stage, the fact is that to win the competition you have to be able to knock out some of the favourites at some point down the line anyway, says Martin McCarthy. Is Wenger found tactically wanting in the big European games or are there other, more important factors explaining these defeats?

There are very detailed, very important, very subtle, very cerebral, very educated tactical reasons why Arsenal have failed to win the Champions League in recent years, and Id probably need a 274-page document to explain them fully. Either that or the teams who knocked them out had better players and played better.

6.00pm GMT

Ramba Zamba was the name given to describe the high-speed passing carousel operated by the greatest international team of all, West Germanys Netzer-inspired European Champions of 1972. Think of it as tiki-taka without the tedium and pomposity, and with a German edge. In other words the football being played by Pep Guardiolas Bayern Munich.

Bayern have quite the aura right now. Their league record reads like something from a computer game: P21 W19 D2 L0 F57 A9. They feel like a fusion of 2008-12 Barcelona and last seasons Bayern Munich, not to mention of Spanish and German stereotypes: indestructible indefatigable technically perfect robots who can drink 14 steins of beer and still do the nine-times table.

The Joy of Six: Kevin Pietersen

JFK innings, maestro moments and swaggering slogs, the batsman who made you think: is something brilliant happening?

There is a delightful scene in the final episode of Nathan Barley, Charlie Brooker's documentary about life at the Guardian. A TV executive has a pint poured over him in the pub and, after reacting with anger, suddenly thinks all might not be what it seems. "Are you guys the crew?" he says, looking round the pub. "Are we all in this? Is something brilliant happening?"

South Africa v Australia: day four as it happened

South Africa won a race against time to square the series, inspired by an awesome performance from Dale Steyn

3.41am AEST

I dont think its going too far to say that was one of the great South African performances, given the context, and this evening session has already gone into folklore: they took the last nine wickets for 64, with Dale Steyn thrillingly unplayable. Steve Harmison, on Sky, says its not possible to bowl a better spell of reverse-swing.

A five-Test series would be nice. A three-Test series will do: we have the mother of all deciders to look forward to, starting in Cape Town on Saturday. I dont know about you, but Im rubbing my thighs in excitement already. Thanks for your company; goodnight.

3.36am AEST

Dean Elgar Dean Elgar has won a Test with the ball, a few days after being old his central contract wasnt being renewed! Sport, eh? The South African celebrations are a wonderful fusion of relief, pride and joy. Australia dont look happy with that final LBW decision. You can see Johnson and Harris looking at it on the laptop. And thats why: he got an inside-edge! Oh my. What a crazy match. Australias last nine batsmen scored just 22 runs, yet the man who scored 107 - Chris Rogers - is going to feel awful if it pours down all day tomorrow. Sport, eh?

3.33am AEST

That was a stunning Test match, and a simply awesome comeback from South Africa after their devastating first-Test defeat. The final wicket came from a beautiful delivery by Dean Elgar, which pitched on middle and straightened sharply to hit the pad. Lyon couldnt review it anyway, as Australia have used up their reviews. I had forgotten that, my noggin having long gone during a mesmerising evening session during which South Africa took nine wickets and Dale Steyn reminded us why he is the premier champion of his generation.

3.31am AEST

Smith has been told that he must bowl the spinners because of the light, so Dean Elgar comes on. There are four overs left. Its another warm-up if you dont oblige, says Graeme Smith to a smiling Nathan Lyon.

Now Elgar has taken the final wicket, Lyon out LBW. Why didnt he revew it? No matter, South Africa have pulled off a magnificent victory!

3.28am AEST

Duminy rushes through the remainder of the over so that Steyn can bowl. The light is fading and the floodlights are on. Ive never seen a finish to a fourth days play like this. Its gloriously confusing.

3.23am AEST

A crazy run-out! What was Rogers doing? He tried to take a needless single to mid-off off Duminys first ball, and the substitute fielder Alviro Petersen - who missed the start of the match with gastroenteritis - hit the bails with Rogers short. It seemed clear cut, though Aleem Dar looked at another five replays, just to induce a few more coronaries among South African fans. Its out! That was a wonderful innings from Rogers. But if it rains all day tomorrow, he will hate the memory of it. On the balcony, the bowling Allan Donald raises his hands in triumph and roars, almost like hes celebrating his own wicket.

3.22am AEST

Philander replaces Duminy. Siddle defends calmly, although a last-ball cutter almost slips through the gate. A maiden.

3.19am AEST

Steyn is bowling with great vengeance and furious anger. This is sensational sport, because its not just bat v ball, its also man v weather. This spell could mean nothing, or it could decide the Test and maybe the series.

Siddle inside-edges the first ball onto his body, is beaten by the third but manages to get off strike next delivery. To exacerbate South Africas frustration, Duminy injured himself while fielding; he landed on the ball. The physio runs on and is then sent back. South Africa dont have time for niceties such as health and well-being. Duminy winces and bears it.

3.12am AEST

JP Duminy is on. Rogers must surely start farming the strike. He tries to from the last ball, but cant and its a maiden.

That Dharmasena LBW took so long as to be almost comical. In fact it was the extreme opposite of this LBW.

3.10am AEST

That was the last ball of the over. Seven to go. Steyns celebration, a demented, puce-faced chainsaw, was another beauty.

3.07am AEST

Were playing the extra half-hour now, with eight overs to be bowled. Harris defends a Steyn inswinger into the ground, from where it bounces up into the air. As it drops Harris is so paranoid about it spinning back onto the stumps that he hits it again - and in doing so nearly drags it back onto the stumps. That would have been a unique and absurd dismissal.

Now Harris is out, to the slowest LBW dismissal in history from Kumar Dharmasena. Harris has reviewed it straight away. I reckon this will be umpires call and therefore out. It was another sharp inducker from Steyn. Thats out! This is wonderful drama. It was hitting the top of the leg bail, so the on-field decision stands. Dharmsena took an age over that appeal - he made Steve Bucknor look like knee-jerk Nobby by comparison - but, again, we ended up with the right decision. Just.

3.04am AEST

It seems Rogers did not review that, in which case there will be a little controversy because it was given out originally by Richard Illingworth. South Africa are unhappy about that, and you can understand why. I suppose its the same as Hansie Cronje against England in 1995-96. The most important thing, despite all that, is that the right decision was made, even if it did not necessarily come about in the correct way.

3.01am AEST

Chris Rogers is out! Or is he? He flicked Morkel down the leg side, where de Villiers seemed to take a stunning catch diving to his right. That was almost a mirror image of Alec Stewarts famous grab off Brian Lara at Lords in 1995. Richard Illingworth gave it out. Rogers hung around, and because of that the on-field umpires went upstairs. Or was it a formal review from Rogers?

Either way, it wont be out. It seems to bounce a millimetre in front of de Villiers.

2.54am AEST

Harris continues to repel Steyn impressively, with the except of one fresh-air cut. A maiden. Harris has only faced 22 balls, on day four, yet it might be a match-saving innings.

2.50am AEST

Harris has some strapping applied to his left arm, which kills a couple of minutes. Rogers stretches for a wide yorker from Morkel, inside-edging it all along the floor to de Villiers; that aside he survives comfortably. Morkel does at least keep Rogers on strike, which means Steyn will have another go at harris.

2.44am AEST

Harris is on strike, so back comes Steyn. There are seven overs remaining plus the extra half-hour, though we are unlikely to get all that play. The first ball rams Harris in the chest. Rogers tries to steal the strike, Harris responds late and is then sent back. Steyn is bowling reverse inswing at above 140kph, yet Harris defends extremely well for the remainder of the over. That was beautifully played by Harris in the circumstances.

2.39am AEST

Maybe South Africa are saving Steyns legs for an over which starts with Harris rather than Rogers on strike. Morkel continues to Rogers, who is playing beautifully. This all feels relatively low-key, as if South Africa have all the time in the world, yet they will not sleep easily if they dont finish this tonight. Im surprised they are not rushing back to their mark.

Now theres a review against Rogers! Its tactical, because of the identity of the batsman. AB de Villiers took the catch down the leg side, and Morkel was very confident it had hit something. It did but only Rogers backside. Another fine decision from Richard Illingworth, and South Africa have no reviews left. They could have had Rogers just before tea but declined to review.

2.35am AEST

Steyn off, Elgar back on. Nothing happens. How the hell did England beat Pakistan in that Test? says Marcus Sharp. Talk about bringing a knife to a gun fight. That attack we had must be the very definition of journeyman versus Wasim, Waqar and Mushtaq.

Headingley is, or was, the greatest leveller. That appalling run-out decision to reprieve Gooch didnt hurt either.

2.32am AEST

Morne Morkel replaces Vernon Philander. Harris survives a poor over pretty comfortably. There is a storm coming, and Kepler Wessels reckons we have about 25 minutes before it hits.

Forget what I said about Illingworth a few minutes ago, but the rest stands! says Richard Thomson. No need to change your view of Illingworth: hes has an outstanding match, and that was close to a borderline decision. Even Mikey Holding on Sky said it was a wasted review from South Africa at the time.

2.24am AEST

Dale Steyn is coming back on. Rogers, sensibly and selflessly, protects Harris by taking the whole over, the only run from which is an off-side wide.

That Test at Headingley where England went from 270-1 to 320ao also has the accolade of possibly last great horses for courses test selection in Neil Mallender, says Phil Rhodes. It could never happen in the modern game. That Dale Steyn is alright too.

2.21am AEST

Australias Nos 3-8 have scored 13 runs in this innings. The openers have scored 168 and counting. The new batsman is Ryan Harris; hes a dangerous hitter but needs to survive here. Australias target is to get to the close and hope it rains all day, which is far from inconceivable.

2.18am AEST

Philander has a huge shout for LBW against Johnson turned down by Richard Illingworth. This looks close and Smith will review. I reckon it will be umpires call. It jagged back off the seam to hit the roll of the pad as Johnson pushed around the ball. Height is the key. Hes out! What a fine review from Graeme Smith. I wouldnt have risked that, not with only one review remaining. It was a fine delivery from Philander, and now South Africa have a big chance of

giving me a day off tomorrow
wrapping up a famous victory tonight.

2.16am AEST

Ordinarily Johnson would slog-sweep someone like Elgar to his hearts content, though the rough and the match situation make it a risk here. He contents himself with a single down the ground. There are 12 overs remaining today.

2.13am AEST

Well played Chris Rogers! He tucks Philander off the pads for two to reach his fourth Test century, and his third in the last four matches - all of them in the second innings. He will always be looking over his shoulder so long as his Test career lasts; thats just the way its going to be. Yet even though hes 36, that Test career should last two or three more years yet. Rogers second coming is one of the feelgood stories of modern Test cricket.

2.08am AEST

Steyn takes a rest after a spell of 4-0-10-3, presumably with another pre-close burst in mind. On comes Dean Elgar, who might be a threat out of the rough to Johnson. Rogers drives him pleasantly for four and then sweeps another boundary to move to 98.

2.04am AEST

Its all about time rather than runs now, so South Africa shouldnt mind the four leg-byes off Philanders bowling. Rogers might; he seemed to hit it. He survives a pretty big LBW appeal next ball, although Graeme Smith has reviewed it. This wont be out, it looked too high. Replays show it was going over the top. Another good decision from Richard Illingworth.

Surely The Joy of Six: Home Runs would be quite fun, says Phil Crockford. This would have to be on there though. He hits it out of Wrigley Field, across a street, and then onto the roof top. Also, the called shot, shot heard around the world, Kirk Gibsons walk off home run in the 1988 world series...

1.58am AEST

Theres nothing in sport quite like watching a struggling champion reassert himself in style. Darts-lovers will witness it at some stage in the next few weeks, and cricket-lovers are seeing it now. Every delivery with Steyn is crackling with menace; his pace is up and so, crucially, is his force. Johnson feels for a reverse outswinger, missing it by a mile, and then edges a snorter over the slips for four. That was very full yet burst from a foothold to take the shoulder of the bat. Johnson adds four leg-byes to the score off the last delivery.

1.53am AEST

Right, Duminy is replaced by Philander. Australia are in disarray - but there ie still hope of a draw. If they are bowled out tonight and it rains all day tomorrow they will be furious. They need to survive 17 overs plus, presumably, the extra half-hour.

What did we do before reverse swing? says John Starbuck. We cowered under the onslaught from West Indian fast bowlers, thats what we did. You could make a case for Pakistan inventing it as their response to Clive Lloyds brainwave.

1.52am AEST

Look at Australias individual scores in order: 88*, 66, 5, 0, 1, 0, 1, 0*.

How bloody good...?

1.47am AEST

Oh my goodness. This is one of the greatest deliveries of Dale Steyns career. He has cleaned Brad Haddin up in spectacular style. Steyn was desperate to get Haddin on strike, having bowled him with reverse swing in the first innings, so much so that Graeme Smith put the field back to give Rogers a single. Then, from the final ball of the over, Steyn sent a booming reverse inswinger through the gate and into middle stump. That was a storming piece of bowling. The best thing is that everyone knew that exact dismissal was coming, including Haddin, and there was not a thing he could do. This is glorious fast bowling, glorious reverse-swing bowling, and glorious Test cricket: Australia have collapsed from 152-1 to 166-6.

1.42am AEST

There are still 20 overs left tonight. Dont forget the appalling forecast tomorrow. South Africa will want to get this done tonight if at all possible. Rogers takes a tight single to mid-on off Duminy, with Amlas throw hitting the stumps. Rogers is fine.

1.40am AEST

This is serious stuff from Steyn now, who is reversing it both ways. Its very hard for a new batsman to cope with, and Rogers does Haddin a favour by taking five of the six deliveries. What did we do before reverse swing? It provides some of the most memorable turnarounds imaginable. This is still my favourite: 270 for one, 320 all out.

What a champion, says Daniel Harris. An all-time great celebrator.

1.36am AEST

Please press F5 for a full description of the wickets. The first one, Clarke, took a wonderful catch from du Plessis. He adjusted his body so quickly, falling to his right and leaning forward to get his hands under the ball. Australia lost four wickets for four runs in six wonderful overs.

They get the scoreboard moving again when Rogers takes a single off Duminy and gets the bonus of four overthrows. With Warner at the crease Australia scored 126 in 29.2 overs; without him they have scored 34 in 20.4 overs. He is a priceless talent.

1.31am AEST

This is Test cricket at its most beautiful. Steyn is on a hat-trick, with Brad Haddin the new batsman. Its wide of off stump and left alone. The end of an magnificent over.

Gary Naylor is onto something, says Tim Sanders. Test batsmen are extraordinary in what their brains and muscles can do in real time; but looking back at a passage of play lasting a fraction of a second, their memories are as muddled as those of mere mortals, playing tricks and making them wonder if they really saw what they thought they saw.

1.29am AEST

Steve Smith is out first ball! Oh this is magnificent from Dale Steyn! It was full, straight and reverse-swinging back in to trap Smith plumb in front as he fell over towards the off side. Smith considered a review before running out of time. It doesnt matter - he was palpably out to a glorious delivery. After a really poor match, Steyn has shown yet again what a champion he is. He couldnt take a hat-trick. Surely.

1.26am AEST

Dale Steyn has done it! This is a huge moment in the game! Steyn hasnt bowled well, hes been hit round the park, but he has roared back to take the big wicket with the fourth ball of a new spell. It was a length delivery that just shaped away; Clarke tried to steer it to third man but got it too fine, and Faf du Plessis at second slip took a wonderful low catch. Steyns celebration is a beauty, a primeval roar as he leaps into the air, limbs splayed all over the place. That was a memorable bit of cricket, and possibly a match-winning one.

1.23am AEST

Duminy replaces Philander. I doubt Smith would have wanted to do that, with Clarke fresh at the crease, but you have to compromise when you lose a bowler. Rogers moves to 78 with a single. There is something of Paul Collingwood about Rogers, in that his place in the side seems to be constantly up for discussion regardless of what he achieves. He is 22 runs away from his third century in four Tests for goodness sake.

How Shaun Marsh can help your kids learn maths: pic.twitter.com/Nf27oEGyDo

1.20am AEST

Clarke plays out a maiden from Morkel, which might be it for the time being; that was Morkels fifth over in this spell. His figures are 5-3-2-1. With Warner at the crease they were 6-0-40-0. Fearless attacking openers are a rare and beautiful thing.

On a scale of 0 to Rohit Sharma, how frustrating is Shaun Marsh?

1.15am AEST

Clarke gropes at a length reverse-outswinger from Philander that ends in the hands of de Villiers. Philander thinks its out; nobody else does. Philander makes Stuart Broad seem unsure when it comes to his own appeals. He is bowling a beautiful spell here; the next ball reverses the other way and is repelled a little uncomfortably by Clarke. This could be the match, right here in this next 20 minutes.

A backwater of the DRS debate is the extraordinary number of errors players make in calling for it or otherwise, says Gary Naylor. It suggests something I find surprising that the elite may be able to do all kinds of things that us plodders cannot, but there are aspects of the game that are so difficult that were all at the same level.

1.10am AEST

Rogers survives a big LBW shout from Morkel. It didnt quite look right, and replays confirm it pitched outside leg. Smith almost compounded the pre-tea cock-up by reviewing it, but eventually decided against it. A zesty maiden from Morkel, who has bowled beautifully post-Warner.

1.09am AEST

Australia need Clarke to get runs. Clarke needs Clarke to get runs; he is averaging 19.71 in his last 10 innings, with a highest score of 24.

1.04am AEST

Shaun Marsh bags a pair. Surprisingly its the first of his Test career. He was stone dead LBW as he fell over a brilliant near-yorker from Philander that tailed back in just enough to beat the bat. South Africa have fought back outstandingly either side of tea. Marsh has played 16 innings in Tests; he has six ducks and two 140+ scores in that.

1.00am AEST

Afternoon Rob, says Simon McMahon. Was browsing through The 100 Most Pointless Arguments in the World Solved book yeah, thats how I roll and at Number 29 is: Are British Sports Better Than American Sports? during which Richard judges baseball to be better than cricket. The Joy of Six: Home Runs. I dont think so.

1.00am AEST

Its time for Morkel to find his inner sociopath weve all got one and rough the Aussies up as he did in the first innings. That said, he will want to pitch it up to make the most of any reverse swing. Doolan, playing well away from his body, is beaten by one such delivery and now he has gone, pushing at a lively delivery that straightened to take the edge. Smith, at first slip, took a difficult low chance extremely well, and then celebrated in such a low-key manner that it seemed the ball might not have carried. It had, and Doolan goes after a very difficult innings of five from 43 balls.

12.54am AEST

There is a little reverse swing for Philander, though it lacks the sporadic spite and menace of Steyns before tea.

12.51am AEST

This session will be extended a little; after this over from Morkel we will have another 30 to bowl. Heres the forecast for tomorrow, by the way. If this ends in a rain-affected draw Ill do time for GBH of the weather gods. Morkel continues; were having a few technical problems but you havent missed anything of note.

12.46am AEST

Obvious thing to say, I suppose, but SA are really missing Parnell in this innings, what with Morkel not firing and no real front-line spinner, says Richard Thomson. Parnell was outstanding in the first innings that first over was better than anything Johnson has done in the match.

12.42am AEST

Rogers, like his opening partner Warner, has almost been a second-innings during this Australian summer. Since the start of the return Ashes series, Rogers averages 24 in the first innings and 64 in the second; Warners figures in the same period are 35 and 90.

Now then, Morkel is replacing Steyn. It should be much safer to bowl now that Warner has gone. So it proves: he bowls his first maiden of the innings, including a wide half-volley that beats Rogers attempted drive.

12.35am AEST

A dramatic start to the session, with Doolan surviving a third-umpire referral from the first delivery! It was a loosener from the new bowler Philander and even looser stroke from Doolan, a crooked waft away from his body. He edged it towards de Villiers, who took it almost on the half-volley. South Africa were confident it was out. Richard Illingworth went upstairs to check whether the ball had carried; replays showed it had bounced fractionally short of the diving de Villiers.

12.13am AEST

What a reprieve for Rogers. Thats the second time in the match that South Africa have not reviewed a decision that would have overturned had they done so. The first, Nathan Lyon, was understandable because he was a tailender and they had only one review remaining. This was a minor shocker. South Africa have committed self-DRSification. Well find out how costly that will be in the evening sessions, which begins in precisely 15 minutes. See you then.

12.12am AEST

Steyn will bowl the final over of the session. Rogers doesnt pick the inswinger, offering no stroke to a ball that zips not far wide of off stump. Rogers, rattled, cuts miles away from his body at the next delivery, which flies through to de Villiers. There was certainly a noise, and Steyn was convinced, but Dharmasena said not out and South Africa didnt review it. That was out! A bottom-edge came up both on Hotspot and Snicko. The weird thing is not just that that didnt review it, but that they barely discussed doing so. You can understand their caution if only review was remaining, yet they have two.

12.08am AEST

Rogers cuts Duminy for four more to - you got it, stud - third man. Thats at least six boundaries down there in this innings, four from Rogers. Its a productive area for Rogers, who hit nine fours in that area during his MCG century against England in December.

12.04am AEST

Rogers pushes a single from the fourth ball, which gives Steyn two deliveries at Doolan. The first is too straight and swings down the leg side; the second is much better and defended well. This is a good spell for South Africa. The value of dismissing Warner is twofold: you get the wicket, and you get scoreboard control. Since he was out Australia have scored 10 in 5.4 overs.

12.00am AEST

Doolan is looking uneasy against both Steyn and Duminy, and plays a couple of vaguely false defensive strokes in Duminys over. Feel a soft one coming here boys, says one of the South African fielders. It might not be the worst idea for Rogers to be Doolans teawatchman and take as much strike as possible from both ends. There are 10 minutes remaining.

11.57pm AEST

Steyn has Doolan in his sights for the first time. There is significant reverse swing back into the right-hander, so this is going to be a really difficult 15 minutes for Doolan before tea. He survives a desperate LBW delivery from a full delivery that was missing leg. Reverse swing, the great game-changer, has altered the mood of the match.

Incidentally, if the description of the wicket hasnt appeared, press F5 and it will do so; we have an enduring problem with our auto-refresh.

11.52pm AEST

Doolan is beaten, groping for a wide, full delivery from Duminy that goes straight on. He doesnt look particularly comfortable, with some spinning and others not.

11.49pm AEST

With a new batsman at the crease, Dale Steyn replaces Dean Elgar. We have 25 minutes until tea. There is some discernible reverse swing, though that doesnt preclude Rogers steering yet another boundary to third man.

I hope we can knuckle down (the Aussies that is) and play for a draw, says Dave Gibbs. Loose balls will come, runs will follow and at sometime tomorrow we may be able to put the pedal down. What I dont want to see is going down in a blaze of glory playing the good ole natural game. If we cannot win then the next objective is not to let them win. Not really that much of a hard concept. This will be a good test as to where we really are.

11.41pm AEST

Doolan survives a big LBW shout third ball. He was beaten on the inside by some very sharp spin, but the point of contact was outside the line. So in this war between the two best pace attacks in the world, South Africa are troubling Australia with a pair of part-time spinners.

Graeme Smiths declaration seems a good one given the weather forecast, says Tim Sanders. If South Africans are experiencing The Fear, it will be based on the worry that the forecasters have got it wrong and the thunderstorm will skirt around the ground, raining on the car park whilst the ground is bathed in batsman-friendly, bowler-sapping sunshine.

11.39pm AEST

Hes out! It was indeed umpires call, with maybe 30 per cent of the ball hitting leg stump. That is such a vital wicket for South Africa, and another very good decision from Richard Illingworth, who has had an outstanding match.

11.38pm AEST

JP Duminy replaces Morkel, so we now have part-time spin twins. And Warner has been given out LBW! After a discussion with Chris Rogers he decides to review it. It dipped onto middle stump from over the wicket, and straightened to hit the pad as Warner pushed a little absent-mindedly across the line. Did it straighten enough? This will be close, probably umpires call and therefore out.

11.35pm AEST

Rogers survives a deceptively decent LBW shout from Elgar. South Africa didnt appeal with that much enthusiasm, yet replays show the point of contact with leg stump was umpires call. So it was pretty close, even if it would not have been overturned on review. Two balls later Warner blazes a cracking cover drive for four. Elgar is getting significant turn from out of the rough.

11.31pm AEST

Morkel continues to haemorrhage runs. Rogers glides him deliberately to the third-man boundary to reach an excellent fifty from 95 balls, and works him to the same area for two more. Then he is beaten, wafting a little loosely at a short one. Australia need another 329. If they get them, Port Elizabeth 2014 will be like Port Elizabeth 1997 to the power of Hobart 1999.

South Africa badly need some reverse swing. On Sky, Mikey Holding reckons there are some early signs of it doing that.

11.27pm AEST

Elgar has another naive LBW shout turned down. Rogers was comfortably outside the line when it hit the pad. Elgar is bowling well though. Wickets slow the scoring rate, and so does the threat of wickets: Elgar has threatened Rogers sufficiently that just six have come from his three overs.

Was Australia just hustling SA by batting ineptly in the first innings? says Tom Barbour. If thats the case, England had a magnificent grift going during the Ashes. You just wait until 2015!

11.24pm AEST

South Africa should be concerned, though there is no need to panic. Yet. We have seen millions of examples of teams starting a huge fourth-innings chase extremely well, only to fall in the last few furlongs. The most recent came at Auckland earlier in the month: India, chasing 407 to beat New Zealand, were 222 for two at one stage and eventually lost by 40 runs.

Morkel replaces Steyn. Warner continues his thrilling calculated assault on South Africas most dangerous bowler, pulling his first two deliveries for four. The first was an orthodox pull, the second a lovely flick-pull through midwicket. Morkel responds later in the over by taking the bouncer to the next floor and hitting Warner on the shoulder. An eventful over concludes with a clunked pull not far over the head of Philander at mid-on. Warner has hit 28 from Morkels last two overs.

11.19pm AEST

Elgar has an optimistic shout for LBW, with Rogers hiding his bat behind the pad. Even if the umpire decides hes not playing a shot, he would have to guess whether it would have hit the stumps. Hawkeye shows it did not turn enough and was missing off. Good stuff from Elgar, though, who is threatening the left-handers a little out of the rough.

11.12pm AEST

Warner reaches a fine fifty, more controlled than the first innings, with a push for two off Steyn. Its taken just 61 balls. Steyn is nowhere near his best here; he knows it and Australia know it, as Rogers demonstrates with a stunning pull over the top for a one-bounce four.

Looking forward to seeing how Australias top order deals with Duminy and Morkel, says Michael Nelson. Cant help but feel that pre-Boof, they would have wilted like month-old daffodils. These days, maybe they have a sense of greatness about them ... fingers crossed for a rain free day tomorrow and Harris cracking a six off the last ball of the day to win by two runs.

11.09pm AEST

Shaun Pollock, commentating on Sky, sounds worried: if they dont get it to reverse swing there are going to be troubles. Can you imagine what it would do for Australia if they chase this down. Theyd win a decades supply of self-belief.

It might be time for Graeme Smith to ask: what would Michael Clarke do here? I reckon Clarke would risk a couple of overs of Faf du Plessis legspin. In fact Smith has gone for the slightly safer left-arm spin of Dean Elgar. Rogers is beaten on the outside by a sharply spinning second delivery which hits the pad outside the line. Two from the over.

11.04pm AEST

Rogers tries to hook a sharp bouncer from Steyn and is beaten, with Steyn thinking for a split-second that he had top-edged it to de Villiers. This is exactly the sort of situation in which Steyn has repeatedly made important breakthroughs down the years, perhaps the principal manifestation of his genius. Does he still have it in him? Hes only 30, though he has a ridiculous number of miles on the clock. Later in the over, Rogers has time to force through three runs through the covers.

11.01pm AEST

Warner launches Duminy effortlessly down the ground for six, a formidable demonstration of his extreme talent.

Are heavier bats better against fast or slow bowling? Should batsmen change their bats depending on who is bowling to them? They would certainly change them based on pitches a lower middle in the subcontinent, say but you couldnt do it for bowlers really.

10.58pm AEST

Steyn continues. He is raging against dying of his light, but cant get quite get the pace of force he managed in his peak years. A maiden.

Incidentally, for those who use auto-refresh, its worth pressing F5 every now and then - particularly after wickets - to get the updated entries. Our auto-refresh does not work properly.

10.51pm AEST

Rogers waves a low full toss from Duminy through extra cover for two. Australia look really comfortable here, worryingly so for South Africa.

10.51pm AEST

Steyn, who has taken some tap in this match, replaces Philander. Rogers avoids a couple of spiteful short balls, bowled from around the wicket, and theres just a single from the over.

10.45pm AEST

Warner is dropped by the bowler Duminy! He chipped a gentle return catch low to the left of Duminy, who dropped the chance as he collided with the non-striker Rogers. Its hard to be sure, but you have to think hed have taken that had he not been put off by Rogers. Its not that Rogers did anything wrong - he didnt move - but he probably saved Warner there.

10.39pm AEST

After 59 runs from the first 12 overs, the game has taken a moment to breathe, Philander is trying to tempt Warner into something indiscreet. Warner is not interested. In fact its Philander who blinks first his last ball is too straight and tucked off the pads for four.

Even further back before your time, there was Basil DOliveira, the first cricketer I can remember having people going on about his brawny forearms, says John Starbuck. That, and a bit later for Lamb, Botham and Gooch, was when the heavier bats started to come in, swooping through the air, they were.

10.38pm AEST

Duminy is a reasonable spinner, with a Test and first-class average in the low 40s, but hes certainly a part-timer and he shouldnt worry Australia unduly. I thought they might go after him; for now they are content to milk low-risk singles. Rogers is beaten in the flight by the last delivery, which turns violently out of the rough for two byes.

10.35pm AEST

This feels a little like the Langer/Hayden partnership in the second innings at Edgbaston in 2005. Australia were chasing only 282 then, of course; even so, South Africa could do with a Flintoff over.

10.31pm AEST

Graeme Smith is forced to turn to the part-time offspin JP Duminy. Warner will surely try to take him on, because if he does Smith will have hardly anywhere to turn. I hope the weather doesnt intervene because this is already shaping up to be a classic. The forecast, sadly, is diabolical for tomorrow, although it might simply be that somebody fancies a game of golf.

Anyhow, a quiet first over from Duminy brings precisely two singles.

10.27pm AEST

Rogers edges Philander wide of the slips for four, all along the floor. Why do almost all modern captains eschew third man? Presumably it is based on computer evidence, yet instinct suggests that literally gazillions of runs are scored to third man. South Africa have got a problem here. Not because Australia are 59-0 but because of the way in which Australia have reached 59-0.

Robin Smith, Martin McCague and Mark Ramprakash! exclaims Robert Wilson. Impeccable. So far as it goes. The Smith square cut (brutality thrills like no elegance could or should), McCague, Larnes finest (or in the top five at least), Ramprakash (be still my beating heart!). But where oh where is Peter Willey? Seriously, that stance. That hair! I thought you had more taste, more depth. Mitch is gonna score a double ton. I can feel it.

10.24pm AEST

Morkels fourth over disappears for 18! Glorious batting from Warner. He starts by nailing thrilling boundaries off the first two deliveries, the first cut square and the second larruped swaggeringly through the covers off the back foot. Warner makes it three consecutive boundaries with an astonishing stroke. Morkel moved around the wicket, so Warner jumped across to the off side and flick-pulled lazily and brilliantly for four. Morkel goes back over the wicket again, this time drawing an edge that flies fractionally wide of the diving gully for another boundary, the fourth in a row. Australia still need 393 but you can bet South Africa are feeling the first stirrings of The Fear.

10.19pm AEST

Vernon Philander continues his burgeoning bromance with David Warner. He tries to work on him, hitting a fourth-stump line with every delivery, but a misfield by Faf du Plessis at short extra allows Warner off strike. Rogers then punches a brilliant drive through extra-cover for four. This is one of those games where you could easily see Australia being 280 for three and then 389 all out. Or maybe 449 for six. If they win this it would knock Port Elizabeth 1997 into, er, whatever you knock things into.

Australia can do something special here.... #SAFvAUS

10.14pm AEST

South Africa are down to three main bowlers, with Wayne Parnell injured. The pitch is fine, too, so this could well develop into one of Ashley Giless beloved derriere-nippers. Morne Morkels third delivery of the afternoon session is a beauty that snaps back off the seam to hit Warner in the chest. Its followed inevitably by the fuller delivery, and Warner, stuck in the crease, is fortunate that an inside-edge goes back onto the pad. Beautifully bowled, and a very lively start to the session.

10.04pm AEST

Hello! Pride, it seems, can come after a fall too. South Africas response to being brutalised at Centurion has been a masterpiece of pride and mental strength. It has been clever, too; they almost lulled Australia into a false sense of security with their methodical first-innings batting, then suddenly raised hell by handing the ball to Morne Morkel. Now, weather permitting, they should square the series.

That said, they will have slight worries about a reversal of either Perth 2008 or Adelaide 2012, certainly while David Warner is at the crease. If you want to claim to be the best team in the world, chasing a world-record target of 448 to win a series against the current world no1 is a reasonable place to start.

9.40pm AEST

A good start from Australia to their massive run-chase.

Rogers and Warner could have done no better in a tricky period before the interval, but greater challenges await after lunch and when the ball gets older - and starts to reverse.

9.31pm AEST

Three more for Rogers, who pushes the re-introduced Steyn through the covers.

Warner then drives uppishly through square for three more, Rogers rushing though for the last run.

9.28pm AEST

Rogers punches an overpitched Morkel ball through the covers for three as his free-scoring start to the innings continues. Well, free scoring for him. Hes farmed the strike yet Warners rate is still better.

9.24pm AEST

Rogers picks up a single as Philander keeps things very tight.

Good start from Australia, but surely theyre no hope.

9.18pm AEST

Morkel is brought on for his first bowl of the innings as Steyn is given an early rest.

He switches from around the wicket to Rogers, to over the wicket to Warner. No breakthrough, and just one single from the over.

9.14pm AEST

Great ball from Philander squares Warner up as the leftie edges just short and wide of the keeper to collect four fortuitous runs.

9.10pm AEST

Steyn overpitches ever so slightly as Rogers cashes in with an on-driven boundary.

The opener then follows up with another four to the same part of the ground off of a shorter delivery.

9.07pm AEST

Warner pushes Philander past extra couple for two runs.

What do you think, people: did Smith declare too early or too late?

9.03pm AEST

Steyn gets things moving, but Rogers ups the ante with a four driven through the covers.

Good start from the under-pressure veteran ... just 111 more of those and Australia win.

8.49pm AEST

Amla rides his luck, French cutting just past his stumps before surviving an ambitious appeal for leg before.

Duminy then shows how its done, driving over extra cover for four.

8.44pm AEST

Lyon leaks a few singles but its actually a very good over.

Hello again to John Starbuck: Statement of the bleeding obvious: the SA batsmen could be trying to score quickly, but the Aussie bowlers are too good for them?

8.40pm AEST

Lovely shot from Amla first ball after the drinks break, as Siddle goes through mid-wicket for four. Duminy then gets in on the act, driving over mid-on for four more.

Surely the declaration comes soon ... South Africa 437 to the good.

8.34pm AEST

A couple of singles off Lyons over. Hard to tell what the Proteas are thinking: seems they have enough runs but there doesnt seem much urgency out there.

Why wouldnt you just get Australia in, or at least go for broke with some quick runs?

8.29pm AEST

South Africa seem to be looking for runs but Siddle does a good job in keeping things tight, conceding just a couple of singles before two to to Amla that could, and should, have been a boundary save for Johnsons excellent rescue on the rope.

8.26pm AEST

Lyon tries to keep things tight but Amla succeeds in getting the spinner away for two to deep square.

8.24pm AEST

Amla lights up an otherwise drab over with a delightful square-driven four off Siddle. SA going for runs now ahead of the declaration.

8.21pm AEST

Australia get their (first) much-needed breakthrough as de Kock picks out Clarke off Lyon, going for quick runs off the last ball of the over.

8.19pm AEST

Just a few singles result as Siddle tightens his line and length.

8.17pm AEST

Lyon into the attack now. De Kock rides his luck as he edges a ball just in front of Clarke at slip.

8.15pm AEST

Siddle into the attack now. A few singles and two to de Kock result in a loosener of an over.

8.12pm AEST

Siddle keeps Amla to a single. That is all.

Thanks to all pointing out it is South Africa batting, not Australia.

7.55pm AEST

De Kock starts the over with a boundary but Amla steals the show with a boundary of his own to seal his 21st Test century. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Heres Simon, all confused and all: two smiths is confusing enough, but now im wondering what i drank last night.

7.49pm AEST

Amla shifts to 99 with a cheeky single off Johnson, but de Kock repeats the dose last ball to retain the strike..

And its a good ruddy morning to Peter Farlam: Yes, the Saffers are smug today. These moments come along so rarely in a home series against Australia that we savour them like, well, fine wine.

7.45pm AEST

Amla moves to 97 with a big edge that fortuitously splits slip and gully at catching height, and goes for four.

No luck needed later in the over as de Kock drives supremely through mid-wicket for four more.

7.41pm AEST

Good first-up offering from Johnson keeps de Kock rooted on the crease and rooted on the scorecard.

7.39pm AEST

Dropped catch! A big leading edge from de Kock off Harris gives Smith a tough, but gettable, chance at short cover but Smith lets it slip.

7.30pm AEST

Hello all ... Im Scott Heinrich and Ive been subbed in like Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, ready to score some junk goals.

Please get in touch and let me know your thoughts on Australias mission impossible.

7.25pm AEST

Well, Geoff is running a wee bite late so Scott Heinrich will be taking over. He wins todays medal for general superbness

6.32pm AEST

Geoff will be here shortly, in the meantime heres an extract from the third days match report:

For the first time in the last few months the Australians are under the pump. They will have to bat for the best part of two days to save the Test match in Port Elizabeth and thereby retain their 1-0 lead in the series. By the close on the third day South Africa led by 369 runs with Hashim Amla contributing an unbeaten 93. After a quick thrash from the home side on Sunday morning the Australians will soon be batting again.

Australia lasted just 57 overs on a docile track (compared to the 150 faced by South Africa in their first innings). So the Australian bowlers experienced what their English counterparts habitually had to deal with during the Ashes series. There was no time to rest those weary limbs and this was especially noticeable when Ryan Harris lumbered up to the wicket so ponderously in the final session. For an over or two Harris made Tim Bresnan look like Freddie Trueman.

World Cup: 25 stunning moments ... No3: West Germany 1-0 Austria in 1982

Algeria fans shouted 'fix' as West Germany and Austria played out a mutually suitable scoreline in 1982's 'Disgrace of Gijón'

You have to pity the youth of today. They were born to banter, they think it's normal behaviour to tell complete strangers on the internet what they have had for their tea. And worst of all, they have never experienced proper World Cup villainy. There was Luis Suárez's handball in 2010, yes, but that was a fleeting moment from an individual rather than an extended body of work shared between a whole squad. The World Cup which is about great stories as much as great football is so much richer when a team leaves the rest of the football world raging with impotent frustration.

That has not occurred since 1990, when Argentina found umpteen different ways to prod the football world in the chest, most notably when they defiled Italy's dreams on an operatic night in Naples. Four years earlier there were Uruguay, as close to a gathering of sociopaths as has been seen at the World Cup. The Scottish FA chief Ernie Walker called them "the scum of world football".

Is Phil Taylor in terminal decline?

The 16-times world champion has made a mockery of previous career obituaries. But it has never been as serious as this

When a sportsman reaches a certain age, he forfeits the right to be out of form. Every poor performance is analysed not in the context of form, but whether he is finished. Phil Taylor's career obituary has been tentatively written a number of times in the past decade, and every time he has thrillingly reasserted his status as one of sport's great champions. But it has never been as serious as this.

Taylor has lost four of his first five Premier League games, and if he loses to Dave Chisnall on Thursday night he will be in serious danger of relegation. In the past it was unthinkable that he would not qualify for the semi-finals; the idea that he might be relegated was beyond ridiculous. A drama turned into a crisis last Friday night when he was knocked out of the UK Open dubbed the FA Cup of darts by Aden Kirk, the world No137 and managed to bust 130 with consecutive throws. In one sense it was the greatest shock in darts history. Except by the end, it wasn't that shocking. In the last two months Taylor has been so unusually vulnerable that nothing comes as a complete surprise.

Is Phil Taylor in terminal decline? | Rob Smyth

The 16-times world champion has made a mockery of previous career obituaries. But it has never been as serious as this

When a sportsman reaches a certain age, he forfeits the right to be out of form. Every poor performance is analysed not in the context of form, but whether he is finished. Phil Taylor's career obituary has been tentatively written a number of times in the past decade, and every time he has thrillingly reasserted his status as one of sport's great champions. But it has never been as serious as this.

Taylor has lost four of his first five Premier League games, and if he loses to Dave Chisnall on Thursday night he will be in serious danger of relegation. In the past it was unthinkable that he would not qualify for the semi-finals; the idea that he might be relegated was beyond ridiculous. A drama turned into a crisis last Friday night when he was knocked out of the UK Open – dubbed the FA Cup of darts – by Aden Kirk, the world No137 and managed to bust 130 with consecutive throws. In one sense it was the greatest shock in darts history. Except by the end, it wasn't that shocking. In the last two months Taylor has been so unusually vulnerable that nothing comes as a complete surprise.

Whether it's a decline or a loss or form, it has been extremely dramatic. Last summer and autumn, Taylor was playing probably the best darts of his career. He won six out of seven TV tournaments, missing out only on the relatively unimportant European Championship, and his 16-9 win over Adrian Lewis in the Grand Slam semi-final in November, when both men averaged in excess of 109, was the highest quality game of darts ever played.

But when Taylor was overwhelmed by Michael van Gerwen in the final of the Players' Championship, a relatively minor major just before the World Championship, he could not recover. He struggled through the first round of the worlds against Rob Szabo, a semi-pro from New Zealand, and was stunningly beaten in the second round by Michael Smith. Taylor did not look right throughout his short stay at the tournament.

Taylor took the defeat particularly badly. He questioned his health, and particularly his energy levels. When he fell asleep in his chair after Christmas dinner, Taylor decided something had to be done about his sluggishness. He started a juice diet, changed his darts provider from Unicorn to Target and disappeared to a mountain retreat in Portugal for three weeks. He lived almost entirely on juices, with only the option of a salad treat every Saturday afternoon.

"I loved it," Taylor said before the start of the Premier League season. "I was walking 10 to 12 miles a day and doing swimming, saunas and living very, very healthy. It was like a training camp for a boxer. I wasn't very well to be honest. I had to go away to recuperate and get myself right. Barry Hearn didn't like it and gave me a little bit of a telling off, but that's tough. I have a tough year ahead of me, I'm 53 now and I've got to think about what I'm doing and time it all properly."

Taylor has done it all for medium-term gain, aiming to peak for the World Championship, but he cannot have expected so much trouble in the short term. He was thrashed 7-0 by Van Gerwen in his first Premier League game and was criticised for his dramatic weight loss, the damaging effects of which were noted by the great Sid Waddell a decade ago .

Taylor then lost to Adrian Lewis and Peter Wright. After an impressive win over Simon Whitlock in the fourth week, Taylor seemed more relaxed. "Now I know that everything I'm doing is right," he said. "I think people have been a little bit odd. I won six or seven majors last year and as soon as I lose something, bang – they're on me. 'You're the worst player.' And that's not right."

Taylor was beaten again last week, 7-5 by Gary Anderson, and followed that with defeat to Kirk a day later. The fear that this might be terminal decline rather than poor form was exacerbated by the staggering incident in which he twice bust 130. When a 53-year-old does that, many will draw a simple conclusion: his eyes have gone.

What is perhaps more disconcerting is that Taylor does not emit the formidable mental strength of old. Whereas for decades Taylor would win the big moments, now he is losing them.

In the Premier League his basic form has been deceptively good. He is ninth out of 10 in the table, but his season average puts him second behind van Gerwen. There has been obvious concern about his new Target darts, which he has dragged left too often for comfort, but an overall average of 100.70 is higher than last season. Yet he is missing key doubles and losing key legs, something Taylor has never done in the past.

The story of a great champion straining to stay at the top is always compelling, yet there is significant sadness in watching Taylor's current struggles. He is one of Britain's greatest sportsmen, perhaps the greatest. And, even allowing for sport's fascinating aversion to happy endings, surely Taylor deserves to pick his moment and retire after winning a 17th world title.

"I will put it right," he said two weeks ago. "And when I do put it right, I think that's the time to finish." The words sounded convincing, yet even he must wonder whether this is one battle too many.

Phil TaylorDartsRob Smyth
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