Rob Smyth's Blog, page 186

South Africa v Australia – day five as it happened

Ryan Harris bowled Australia to an epic victory with 27 balls remaining on a nerve-shredding final day at Newlands

Russell JacksonRob Smyth

South Africa v Australia – day four as it happened

Australia moved within six wickets of a momentous series victory, with Graeme Smith failing in his final Test innings

Geoff LemonRob Smyth

World Cup: 25 stunning moments ... No3: West Germany 1-0 Austria in 1982 | Rob Smyth

Algeria fans shouted 'fix' as West Germany and Austria played out a mutually suitable scoreline in 1982's 'Disgrace of Gijón'

You have to pity the youth of today. They were born to banter, they think it's normal behaviour to tell complete strangers on the internet what they have had for their tea. And worst of all, they have never experienced proper World Cup villainy. There was Luis Suárez's handball in 2010, yes, but that was a fleeting moment from an individual rather than an extended body of work shared between a whole squad. The World Cup – which is about great stories as much as great football – is so much richer when a team leaves the rest of the football world raging with impotent frustration.

That has not occurred since 1990, when Argentina found umpteen different ways to prod the football world in the chest, most notably when they defiled Italy's dreams on an operatic night in Naples. Four years earlier there were Uruguay, as close to a gathering of sociopaths as has been seen at the World Cup. The Scottish FA chief Ernie Walker called them "the scum of world football".

Then we have West Germany 1982, who have two entirely different and equally notorious crimes on their rap sheet. In the semi-final against France, the goalkeeper Harald Schumacher assaulted Patrick Battiston with an appalling and unpunished challenge. If that was shockingly violent, the lack of aggression was the source of criticism earlier in the tournament. West Germany's 1-0 win over Austria – in which both sides settled for a result that put them through and eliminated the tournament's darlings Algeria – became known as Nichtangriffspakt von Gijón (the non-aggression pact of Gijón).

It is not just those two incidents that rubbed people up the wrong way, or ensured that some of us would remember this particular German side with such guilty fondness. It was the way they did it. At times it seemed they were trying to exceed the most extreme German stereotype. They were imbued, individually and collectively, with the most magnificently preposterous arrogance in the history of the entire known universe. They did not so much have a squad of 22 players as a squad of 22 managers in addition to the official coach, Jupp Derwall. (The day before the World Cup final, for example, Derwall said in an ITV interview that the injured Karl-Heinz Rummenigge would only be fit enough for the bench in the big match. The next interview was with Rummennigge, who breezily confirmed that he would start. He started.) The entire squad was almost too German to function.

That arrogance manifested itself most deliciously in a masterclass of misplaced hubris before their first group game against Algeria. West Germany were the European champions and had qualified with eight wins out of eight (including two over Austria), scoring 33 goals in the process. African sides, by contrast, were not taken at all seriously, despite Pelé's assertion in 1977 that an African side would win the World Cup before the year 2000.

In 1978, Tunisia's forgotten trailblazers became the first African side to win a World Cup match, beating Mexico 3-1. They also drew 0-0 with West Germany in the final game; a 1-0 win would have put them through instead of the Germans. By 1982, the Germans had forgotten about that. "We will dedicate our seventh goal to our wives, and the eighth to our dogs," said one player before the Algeria game. Another reportedly said he would play the match while chewing on a cigar. Derwall declined to show videos of Algeria to his players because he thought they were laugh at him, and said he would get the next train home if West Germany lost. Algeria won a thrilling game 2-1, one of the great World Cup shocks.

Algeria lost their next game 2-0 to Austria, with West Germany walloping Chile. Then, in the final group game, Algeria romped into a 3-0 half-time lead in their final game against the eliminated Chileans, including a gorgeous first goal. At that stage Algeria were guaranteed to become the first African side to reach the second round of a World Cup, unless there was an absurd result (4-3, 5-4 and so on) in the West Germany/Austria game that would be played a day later. In the second half, however, Chile fought back to lose 3-2. Although Algeria had won again, they were now in jeopardy.

They would still reach the last 12 of the tournament if Austria avoided defeat, or if West Germany won by three goals or more. An already complex situation was exacerbated by the hatred between West Germany and Austria. At the previous World Cup, Austria had pulled off one of their most famous victories – the Miracle of Cordoba – against West Germany, even though the match was essentially a dead rubber. "My players always find a special motivation against Germany," said the Austria manager, Georg Schmidt, ahead of the match in Gijón four years later.

West Germany, on two points, were out unless they won, and started the match accordingly. In the 11th minute their clumsy striker Horst Hrubesch, whose put the hee haw in Gijón, unwittingly bundled a Pierre Littbarski cross into the net. The story goes that the game simply stopped at that point, with both sides declaring and settling for a score that would put them through ahead of Algeria. The video of the game is thus a surprise. You expect side-to-side stuff, players standing around picking spots and scratching backsides, not giving 10% never mind 110; the greatest sham on turf. That only really happens in the final quarter of an hour, when the game properly livens down, and even then it is no more brazen than subsequent examples of two teams settling for a specific score.

The 10 minutes after Hrubesch's goal would even be described as exhilarating in some cultures, with Wolfgang Dremmler forcing a fine save from Friedich Koncilia (the second and final shot on target in the match) and Paul Breitner missing two good chances. The game slows down towards half-time, principally because the hitherto dominant Germany start to play on the counterattack, There is still enough intensity. Just before half-time Manny Kaltz hares round the pitch chasing the ball like a particularly dumb dog; in the same attack, Dremmler slides two-footed through both the ball and Herbert Prohaska. A free-kick in 1982, and even that disputed by the Germans; maybe a red card in 2013.

At half-time, one of the German players makes a beeline for an Austrian (it's hard to tell who they are on the video), puts an arm round his shoulder and engages him in discourse. It looks meaningful in the context of what we now know, and the google translation of this page suggests a declaration at 1-0 was discussed by some players during the interval. Yet many of the players still say now that was not the case.

It certainly seems safe to conclude there was no formal agreement. The video suggests there is no single point at which both sides switch off, more that the whole thing develops through osmosis and that the teams run (or rather don't) with the developing mood of the game. At the start of second half there is still plenty of purposeful if unaccomplished attacking, interspersed by some periods of unpressurised passing. Both teams only become defensively active when the other crosses the halfway line. There is a significant element of keeping up appearances, of course, but it is not just that. In the 51st minute, for example, Josef Degeorgi waves his hands angrily at Karlheinz Forster, accusing him of diving.

It's as if the crowd are wise to what is going on almost before the players. The first audible unrest occurs after 52 minutes, when Rummenigge plays a long pass back to the halfway line, and again three minutes later when Austria's Hans Krankl, on the right wing, wafts a 40-yard pass with the outside of the foot back to the sweeper.

Yet at that stage those were isolated incidents. Hrubesch would have had a clear shooting chance in the 57th minute had he not hopelessly miscontrolled Felix Magath's expert chip. As late as the 77th minute, when the game was losing what edge it had, Bernd Krauss broke into the box and forced a desperate clearance from Hans-Peter Briegel. A goal then would have put West Germany out.

Pierre Littbarski, the youngest and most innocent player on the pitch, went on a series of intrepid solo runs in the second half. Austria's Walter Schachner was sufficiently piqued by a free-kick against him to be booked for dissent with 12 minutes remaining. Getting yellow-carded in this match was quite the achievement, akin to not getting lucky at a Bacchanalian orgy. Reinhold Hintermaier was also booked in the first half for a rugged foul on Littbarski.

The second half was, we should stress, hardly an end-to-end classic. Opta have a detailed archive of every World Cup game since 1966, and there are some belting statistics for those 45 minutes. There were only three shots, none on target. West Germany made only eight tackles, around one every six minutes. Both sides had an overall pass-completion ratio in excess of 90%, a level usually reserved for people like Xavi and Paul Scholes – and, more tellingly, Jamie Carragher, the king of the no-risk pass. Austria had a 99% success rate with passes in their own half; West Germany's was 98%.

The last 10 minutes are terrible, like watching Spain 2012 play against themselves, and hard to defend. The outcome gave a whole new meaning to winning ugly. Yet while there are periods of the game that could have been soundtracked by Brian Eno, there isn't the constant state of inertia we expected.

Then again, the reality rarely lives up to the spook story. At the time, almost everybody was disgusted. The Austrian TV commentator Robert Seeger told viewers to turn their televisions off and said nothing for the last part of the game. The German commentator Eberhard Stanjek said: "What's happening here is disgraceful and has nothing to do with football. You can say what you want, but not every end justifies every means."

The thousands of Algerian fans in the crowd were appalled, with money shouting "It's a fix!" Some waved money through the fences or burned it, an enduring image of España 82; others, in full why-I-oughta mode, took a running jump in a failed attempt to get over the fences and on to the field. Neutral Spanish supporters were similarly unimpressed. One German fan in the stadium burned his country's flag.

As the match reached its conclusion, ITV's Hugh Johns expressed his disgust. "A few seconds on Bob Valentine's watch between us and going-home time. And what a relief that's going to be. Breitner for Briegel for Stielike, names that run off my tongue at the moment and leave a nasty, nasty taste. Stielike … quality players who should all be in the book of referee Bob Valentine for bringing the game into disrepute. This is one of the most disgraceful international matches I've ever seen."

The outrage was even greater after the game. The Algerian FA protested straight away, describing it as a "sinister plot". West Germany were savaged by their own press, with one headline shouting "SHAME ON YOU!". One Spanish newspaper called it "the Anschluss". A Dutch newspaper described it as "football porn", inadvertently obliterating the received wisdom that the Dutch were world leaders in bongo.

The former German international Willi Schulz said all 22 players were "gangsters". There was certainly an omerta after the game, with nobody accepting culpability or even acknowledging what had happened, apart from the Austrian manager Schmidt. "It was," he said, "a shameful showing". His opposite number Derwall summoned the righteous indignation of which only the guilty are capable. "This was a grave and serious insult," he said. "We will answer any charges."

In the eyes of those involved, the end justified the meanness. "We wanted to progress, not play football", Derwall said later, while the substitute Lothar Matthäus added: "We have gone through. That's all that counts." Austria were similarly unrepentant. "We made the next round.," says Krankl. "And I don't give a damn about the Germans." The commentator Seeger says some of the Austrian players tried to get him sacked.

When a group of West German fans went to the team hotel to forcibly articulate their interpretation of the game, the players bombarded them with water bombs from the balcony.

That was nothing on the reaction of Hans Tschak, the head of the Austrian delegation, a man who made Alf Garnett seem enlightened. "Naturally today's game was played tactically," he said. "But if 10,000 'sons of the desert' here in the stadium want to trigger a scandal because of this it just goes to show that they have too few schools. Some sheikh comes out of an oasis, is allowed to get a sniff of World Cup air after 300 years and thinks he's entitled to open his gob."

Others realised the world has six other continents. The problem was not just with the cynicism shown by Germany and Austria; it was compounded by its unapologetic nature and the identity of the victims. Algeria had the charm of underdogs, played lovely football, and were from a developing football continent. West Germany and Austria had not only killed Bambi; they had sent a video of the slaying around the world and cackled maniacally at the end of that video.

Algeria's appeal was rejected after a three-and-a-half hour meeting, in which the Fifa organising committee deemed that a result "could not be altered by any outside body" because, er, it just couldn't. Thereafter Fifa ensured final group games would be played simultaneously, a lesson they should have heeded after Argentina's controversial 6-0 win over Peru in 1978. When goal difference was replaced by head-to-head scores, the chance to theoretically fix games reappeared with inevitable conspiratorial consequences.

You wonder what might happen now, in this era of faux outrage and social-media bullying. Fifa would probably bow to public pressure. Back then, Algeria made their complaint and, when it was rejected, got on with their life. "We weren't angry, we were cool," says Chaabane Merzekane, the sensational right-back, in this excellent piece by Paul Doyle. "To see two big powers debasing themselves in order to eliminate us was a tribute to Algeria. They progressed with dishonour, we went out with our heads held high."

"Our performances forced Fifa to make that change, and that was even better than a victory," added Lakhdar Belloumi. "It meant that Algeria left an indelible mark on football history."

Algeria, Austria and West Germany – like all the other countries – went to that World Cup hoping to do something that would be talked for ever. As with Lupe Velez's death, their wish came true.

The biggest sufferers were arguably the West Germans. The country fell out of love with their international team for a while. In the book Tor!, Uli Hesse says the coach Derwall "unknowingly taught the country that there are things more important than winning".

It is certainly remembered more as a German crime, almost as if Austria had a gun to their head. On one viewing of the game – and we'd obviously like to watch the entire match a few more times to be sure – there is a powerful argument that Austria are the principal culprits: they showed significantly less attacking intent and also had a greater safety net than the Germans, who were only one goal from humiliation for the last 80 minutes.

Austria ignored the chance of immortality, too; imagine if, having lulled West Germany into a false sense of security, they scored a late equaliser. The Gijón grift would have been 100 times more famous than the Miracle of Cordoba.

Similar if slightly less prolonged examples of such cynicism, with neither team trying to score, have been evident in many big games since. Ireland and Holland did it at Italia 90, a risky tactic in the circumstances, while Manchester United won a championship in this manner in 2011, when they played 174 passes in their own half in the last 10 minutes (plus injury time) of a match at Blackburn.

In 1995 Mark Bosnich did unto Jürgen Klinsmann as Schumacher did unto Battiston; the fact he did not receive anywhere near as much criticism as Schumacher was only partially because Eric Cantona was being slaughtered for the perceived crime of kung-fu kicking a gobby cockney on the same night.

It seems that, when it comes to cartoon villainy, it's not just what you do but the way you do it. And nobody did it better than the 1982 West Germans.

With thanks to Cris Freddi, whose World Cup history is definitive, and Paul Doyle.

Rob Smyth and Scott Murray are authors of And Gazza Misses The Final , a collection of minute-by-minute reports of classic World Cup games. West Germany v Austria might be in the second volume.

What the Guardian said: Algerians protest after phoney war

By Stephen Bierley, 25 June 1982

According to West Germany's manager, Jupp Derwall, games between his country and Austria are traditionally contested with all the ferocity of an England v Scotland match. Yesterday's final Group Two match in Gijon was about as passionate as a testimonial, but neither side was complaining. At the end of a suspiciously tame encounter both progressed to the second phase, thereby squeezing Algeria into third spot and out of the Cup.

The Algerian FA president, Hadg Sekkal, described the teams' performance as "a sinister plot" and immediately registered a protest to Fifa. Even the Austrian manager, Georg Schmidt, seemed embarrassed and admitted to "a shameful showing." But Derwall was having none of it, calling the Algerians' talk of an arrangement a "grave, serious insult".

Hermann Neuberger, a Fifa vice-president, said he did not expect any action to be taken against either team. "There are no Fifa rules which say teams cannot play as they please. Fifa cannot sanction a team if they did not fight properly," said Neuberger, who is also president of the West German Soccer Federation.

So the rumours of West Germany's death were, after all, greatly exaggerated. Their opening Group Two defeat by Algeria has registered 10 on the Richter scale of Cup shocks. The world has gone daft.

In the El Molinon Stadium sanity returned or at least what passes for sanity in these lumbering opening stages of the competition. The Germans needed to win; Austria to avoid a heavy defeat. Nods and winks were duly exchanged as the two teams walked out.

Any semblance of tensions lasted precisely 11 minutes. At that point Friedl Koncilia was beaten for the first time in 191 minutes. Littbarski, flirting with offside, took full advantage of a linesman's stiff arm and Horst Hrubesch bent to head home. In fact, he missed, but the ball struck his knee and went in anyway. End of contest.

After that it was "after you Wolfgang" - "no, after you, Bruno." This was European cooperation taken to ridiculous limits. Walter Schacher occasionally gave the impression that Austria were in any way interested in crossing the half-way line but for the majority of the second half students of World Cup football had little to ponder on, unless it was that the Germans were setting an all-comers' record for back-passes.

The Algerians were not pleased. There is a growing feeling among the so-called Third World countries that Europe, Fifa and indeed referees are out to stitch them up. They may be right. Certainly there was no doubting the intentions of Austria and the West Germans. The result was the thing and to hell with entertainment.

A crowd of 40,000 responded accordingly whistles of derision ringing around the stadium. Off came Rumenigge, off came Hrubesch. On and on went the match until mercifully Bob Valentine, the Scottish referee, blew for time.

World CupGermanyAustriaRob Smyth
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South Africa v Australia: day four – as it happened

Over-by-over report: South Africa won a race against time to square the series, inspired by an awesome performance from Dale Steyn

Scott HeinrichRob Smyth

The Joy of Six: Kevin Pietersen | Rob Smyth

JFK innings, maestro moments and swaggering slogs, the batsman who made you think: is something brilliant happening?

1) The KP moment

There is a delightful scene in the final episode of Nathan Barley, Charlie Brooker's documentary about life at the Guardian. A TV executive has a pint poured over him in the pub and, after reacting with anger, suddenly thinks all might not be what it seems. "Are you guys the crew?" he says, looking round the pub. "Are we all in this? Is something brilliant happening?"

That scene came to mind every time Kevin Pietersen batted. Pietersen was a consistent provider of one of sport's greatest thrills: the sense that something brilliant might be about to happen. Sport is an intrinsically underwhelming experience, such is the chasm between fantasy and reality. Yet Pietersen's Ashes-winning 158, which came so early in his career, established the parameters of his talent – or rather that there were hardly any parameters. The reality of Pietersen did not just match the fantasy; it exceeded it. Not even Walter Mitty could have imagined some of those shots he played.

Every time he was at the crease it was legitimate to think we might be about to witness something epic. And when he got going, it was impossible to contain your excitement. Nobody else made you want to text a friend or rush to the nearest public social-networking house and say excitedly to the nearest person: "Are you watching the cricket? Pietersen's on one here." That's how special Pietersen was: he made you want to talk to strangers.

The excitement of what he might achieve was only half the story. There have been umpteen batsmen with the capacity to dramatically change the population of a bar – emptying them at the ground, filling them in town centres – yet few had Pietersen's combination of omnipotence and fragility. With the obvious exception of Brian Lara, it is hard to think of a batsman with a bigger gap between his top and bottom level of performance. Pietersen could look like Donald Bradman and Phil Tufnell, often in the same innings, sometimes in the same over. He was notoriously nervous at the start of his innings, hence one of his most memorably quirks: the Red Bull single to get off the mark.

With Pietersen, nobody knew anything. You would think you could spot the tell-tale signs that he was going to make a hundred; you'd think you'd visibly see him enter the zone, and two minutes later he'd hook to deep square leg or smack one against the breeze to long-on. Or you'd comment how scratchy he was looking and in the blink of an eye he would be 80 not out and batting like a lord. This, coupled with his mixed popularity and the consequently exaggerated drama of his success and failure, made him the most unputdownable book in sport.

Most of Pietersen's great knocks came after or even during a dodgy spell of form: his Man of the Series performance in England's World T20 win in 2010 was a brief, stratospheric high in the most traumatic year of his career. During the tour of Bangladesh two months earlier, he says he had basically forgotten how to bat and thought his career was in serious jeopardy.

In 2012 he played 17 Test innings in Asia, averaging a modest 39.43. A mediocre year then? Not quite. His scores were 2, 0, 14, 1, 32, 18, 3, 30, 151, 42*, 17, 2, 186, 54, 0, 73, 6 and the two centuries – at Colombo and Mumbai – are the two greatest innings played by an Englishman in Asia. There was a moment in both those centuries when you knew, or you thought you knew, that it was on.

In this age of constant newsflashes, previously reserved for JFK moments, Sky Sports News' yellow ticker should simply have said: BREAKING NEWS: KEVIN PIETERSEN IS BATTING whenever he was at the crease. In sport, JFK moments are supposed to relate to off-field events. We think we know what to expect with the context of the actual sport, so nothing should be so mind-blowing as to become a JFK moment. Yet Pietersen's ability to play with otherworldly genius was such that he became a specialist in JFK innings. Where were you for the 158, the 151, the 149 or the 186?

Within every JFK innings lurked a KP moment, when he did something – a booming drive, a look in his eye, even an ultra-certain defensive stroke – that made you wonder: is something brilliant happening? Whether he succeeded or failed, the answer was usually yes. Pietersen was the point at which sport's three greatest pleasures – partisanship, unpredictability and unimaginable genius – were perfectly in sync.

2) The match-winner

There are lies, bald-faced lies and this statistic: Ian Bell has scored more hundreds in Test victories than any other England batsman, including Kevin Pietersen. Bell is an exquisite talent, whose batting in last summer's Ashes was the finest we have ever seen by an England batsman over an entire series. But to compare him with Pietersen in this sphere is daft. Pietersen did not make hundreds in England victories; he made match-winning hundreds.

At his best, Pietersen's runs were so resounding and symbolic as to make the rest of the game an apparent formality. He was a master of mental disintegration. There was the brutal 227 at Adelaide – without which England would have been 1-0 down going into the final two Tests of the series. There was the six-laden 151 in Colombo in 2012 , the most spectacular catharsis after moments of DRS torment. In that match at Colombo he scored 193 off 193 balls, including eight sixes, and was out once. So an average of 193 and a strike rate of 100. The other 21 players averaged 29 and scored at a strike rate of 40.

It was not just that Pietersen did things mere mortals could not; he did things that were beyond his fellow immortals. Very few batsmen in history could have played Pietersen's true masterpiece, the reintegration 186 at Mumbai. That was deemed the fourth-best Test innings of all time in the book Masterly Batting, the most forensic study of the greatest Test innings that we have come across. (Yes we did write an essay for the book but that's not the point.)

Pietersen had three innings in the top 100 of that book; only Don Bradman, Brian Lara, Graham Gooch and Gordon Greenidge had more. Since Lara retired, nobody has played as many epics as Pietersen. There is also the weirdly underrated 142 in a low-scoring match at Edgbaston in 2006 (nobody else scored more than 30 in the first innings), when he switch-hit Muttiah Muralitharan for six. There was the Ashes 158, which did not win a match but did win a mildly important series, and our personal favourite, the 149 against South Africa at Headingley on Super Saturday of the Olympics. Trust Pietersen to rise to the big occasion.

In the last couple of years we have seen the development of a dubious, almost smug cliché that Pietersen is a player of great innings rather than a great player. Pietersen's overall record stands up extremely well – his Test average of 47.28 is the highest by an England batsman since Geoff Boycott retired in 1982 – but far more significant are two things not recorded in Wisden: the number of neck hairs he had made stand to attention, and the impact his runs have had.

Let's be clear about this. Without Pietersen, England would not have won the Ashes in 2005 and might not have won them in 2010-11; they would not have won their first Test in Sri Lanka for 11 years; they probably would not have won in India in 2012-13 or triumphed in the World T20 in 2010. Pietersen played a series of exceptional innings that won things for his team and took out a lease in the memory bank. If that's not greatness, then we're not sure what is.

3) The skunk punk

The legend of Kevin Pietersen's life-changing innings is told thus: the greatest Ashes series of all time was at stake, England needed to bat for a draw, and this daft bugger went on a demented joyride! That is how we will remember his Ashes-winning 158 at The Oval on 12 September 2005. There was actually a little more to it than that. Pietersen played four innings in one day, two of them at the same time. Before lunch he was nervous and unsure of how to play; he was a punchbag for Brett Lee and fortunate to survive two dropped chances. Between lunch and tea, he marmalised Lee and Shaun Tait while blocking Glenn McGrath and Shane Warne. And after tea, with the Ashes won, he let his skunk down and had some fun against all-comers.

At lunch England were 127 for five, a lead of 133 with a possible 64 overs remaining. There wasn't a dry nail in the house. It's still a little chilling to reflect how close England were to not winning the Ashes. Pietersen was 35 from 60 balls. He had played scratchily apart from two defiant slog-swept sixes in one Warne over. The story goes that, after a chat with his captain Michael Vaughan, he simply decided "To hell with it" and went after everything that moved. In fact the innings was far subtler.

Warne and Lee continued after lunch. Pietersen launched into Lee, flogging him for a staggering 35 from 13 balls, including two hooked sixes and four fours. Lee's bowling peaked at 96.7mph – notably faster than Mitchell Johnson right now – yet Pietersen took on almost every delivery.

All the while, at the other end, he milked Warne clear-headedly. When Lee was replaced by McGrath, Pietersen pressed the stop button. England scored 19 from the next 11 overs, all bowled by the two champions, before Ricky Ponting replaced McGrath with Tait. The first two balls were flogged for four and in the next half an hour Pietersen savaged Tait for 22 from 12 balls. By tea, the Ashes were all but won. In that decisive session, Pietersen took Lee and Tait for 57 off 25 balls at a strike-rate of 228 runs per 100 balls. Off Warne and McGrath he scored 13 from 41 balls at a strike rate of 32. He had a first gear, a tenth gear and nothing in between. Not bad for someone who can only play one way.

This is not to say Pietersen could not give McGrath and Warne tap. In his first Test innings at Lord's he carted McGrath back over his head for an absurd six born of the most magnificent disrespect, and he spent the summer slog-sweeping his mate Warne into the crowd at midwicket (as well as being dismissed by him on a few occasions). Those slog sweeps are perhaps the most memorable feature of Pietersen's first summer as a Test cricketer, not least because it was a shot he eschewed as time went on. (It made a brief and wonderful comeback during his Mumbai maestropiece in 2012.)

Pietersen became a far better batsman than he was in 2005: technically tighter, more complete, more mature, a lot more accomplished on the off side. He even managed to overcome the nervous 158s. Yet though he remained one of the most entertaining batsman around, he never had quite the same exhilarating skunk punk edge of his first year in international cricket. In that time he also made those three one-day hundreds in South Africa and hammered Jason Gillespie into the knackers' yard in an ODI at Bristol, after which his captain Vaughan became the first significant person to use the G-word. Andrew Flintoff recalls Pietersen sitting in the dressing-room saying "Not bad am I?"

Not bad at all for a man who five years earlier was a tail-end slogger called Pieterson. After 10 ODI innings in 2004-05, his average was 162.25. As with the Prodigy's Experience, Martin Scorsese's Mean Streets and Michael van Gerwen in the second half of 2012, this was a raw, visceral introduction that would eventually become only a small part of a complete body of work. But that subsequent maturity partially obscures just how incredibly fresh and exciting he was in his first year. Pietersen, for richer and poorer, was never the same batsman after 2005. And although he played better innings than the 158, it was his career-defining performance.

4) The pace batsman

Kevin Pietersen was a pace batsman. Not in the sense that he scored his runs quickly, but that he thrillingly reversed the traditional relationship between fast bowler and batsman, hunter and hunted, intimidating opponents with his size and aggression. He followed in the swaggering footsteps of Viv Richards, Matthew Hayden and others by playing the batsman as physical bully. Sometimes he even gave the fast bowlers some chin music of their own, belabouring life-threatening straight drives.

Three particular innings stand out. At the Oval in 2005 he drowned Brett Lee and Shaun Tait in their own adrenaline; he played Tarzan cricket against Morne Morkel and Dale Steyn at the World T20, mauling Steyn for 23 from 8 balls – including a flamingo shot to the offside - and sent an unprecedented shiver down Mike Selvey's spine; and at Headingley in 2012 he played the most otherworldly innings the Joy of Six has ever seen, when he was obviously in the zone that he should have had a forcefield around him.

Pietersen loved taking on the spinners, he loved to prove his technical class with off- and on-drives. But nothing stimulated him quite like the chance to assert his alpha-male status via the medium of pummelling 95mph deliveries all round the park. And nothing stimulated us the same way either.

5) The dumbslog millionaire

Kevin Pietersen took 183 Test wickets. Ten with the ball, and 173 with his own bat. To explain: it is hard to recall a batsman whose dismissals brought such focus – not just because they were an event, but because they were always his fault. Pietersen never got a good ball in his career. He was never got out. He always got himself out.

It's true that there were plenty of notorious shots. The dumbslog millionaire incident in Jamaica 2009, and a similar dismissal against South Africa at Edgbaston a year earlier. (Both times he was trying to reach a hundred with a six. Pietersen often could not resist going to a hundred on his terms: he did so with a reverse sweep in the 2012 epics at Colombo and Mumbai.) There was the lap sweep off Nathan Hauritz at Cardiff in 2009, and plenty of flat-footed wafts or pulls straight to long leg or deep-square leg.

Sometimes his confidence could backfire comically. In 2006 he said there was simply no way he could be bowled round his legs by Shane Warne; guess what dismissal catalysed the miracle of Adelaide. The same winter, Pietersen treated an ageing Glenn McGrath with disdain, walking down the wicket repeatedly during the one-dayers. McGrath broke his ribs with a bouncer.

It does nonetheless feel that Pietersen dismissals invited disproportionate opprobrium. While he found many weird and wonderful ways to get out in Australia last winter, for example, so did Ian Bell. Bell dragged a full toss from a part-time spinner to midwicket; he drove his first ball straight to mid-off; he played a late cut straight to gully. Hardly a word was said.

The idea that Pietersen couldn't care less about the team was not fair. For one thing he knew, from the moment he made that 158 against Australia, that individual glory was multiplied tenfold when it facilitated team glory. And he often knuckled down. In that 158 at The Oval he played like Chris Tavare and Viv Richards at the same time, while his tone-setting double-century against India at Lord's 2011 – an innings whose brilliance has been obscured by the 4-0 mauling that it set up - was a masterpiece of moving through the gears as conditions get easier: his four fifties respectively took 134 balls, then 82,85 and 25.

There's no question that Pietersen was occasionally driven to excessive stubborn, hiding behind the catch-all phrase "That's the way I play". Yet there was an essential truth in that. The poor strokes were inextricably linked to the outrageous shots; both came from the instinctive, often flawed shot selection that also allowed him to play innings of staggering genius. It borders on infantile to celebrate the audacious shots and chastise the cheap dismissals. Dolly Parton and David Brent would have understood Pietersen.

Pietersen had to do things on his terms; without that he was nothing. To criticise him for a poor shot is like moaning about an ecstasy comedown or a broken heart at the end of the best relationship of your life. It may be a simple case of English suspicion of unusual talent, the same that manifested itself when David Gower wafted lazily to slip. In this country, certain types of dismissals are morally acceptable. This is not to absolve Pietersen of all blame. No man can bat with impunity. Yet as with Gower there seemed to be a damaging desire to mould Pietersen into something he could never be. He had to play it as he saw it. And he saw cricket through different eyes to normal human beings.

Those eyes allowed him to conceive and play some of the most extraordinary strokes. He took advantage of the possibilities afforded Test batsmen first by Steve Waugh and then by Twenty20. The established norms and mores of five-day cricket have been shattered, as has the coaching manual. Just as language has never been more flexible and exciting, nor has Test batting. Pietersen developed his own urban coaching manual, full of unique and totally modern shots.

The most celebrated, the switch hit, never really got the Joy of Six going: it was brilliant and audacious but not unique. Far more spine-tingling were the established, conventional shots that Pietersen remixed. The flick through midwicket, with added flamingo; the straight drive played wristily and on the run; and our favourite, this dreamy slow-motion pull off Dale Steyn.

In an interview with All Out Cricket last year, Pietersen picked out that and another dreamy swipe off Pragyan Ojha at Mumbai as his favourite shots. "The slowness of my bat speed through those balls is what stands out to me," he said. "I look at those two shots – and I don't normally like to talk about my shots – but I do occasionally look at those and go, 'How the hell did you do that?' I don't know …"

Some things are best left unexplained.

6a) The dressing-room influence

In 2012, the sarcastic air violins came out when Kevin Pietersen said: "It's not easy being me in that dressing-room." In fact it's the most undeniable thing he's ever said. For much of his nine-and-a-bit years in international cricket It was clearly not easy being Pietersen in the England dressing-room; the only thing worthy of debate is whose fault that was.

There have been tedious assumptions about who did what to prompt Pietersen's sacking. The principal emotion should be sadness, not anger. It is wrong to assume that England need to give a specific example of Pietersen's behaviour, or even that there is a specific example; often it's an accumulation of incidents that create a sense that is not easy to articulate. Pick the person you most dislike at work and then try to explain to an outsider why that is so. It doesn't look nearly as powerful on the page as it is in your head. The same is probably true of England's intractable conviction that Pietersen was a damaging dressing-room influence.

It's insulting to suggest that this was a decision taken on a whim, because Alastair Cook, Paul Downton and the rest didn't fancy the hassle. The fact we have seen this storyline played out so many times before suggests Pietersen cannot be entirely innocent. It is probably a failure of management to some extent, but then there is always a point at which something becomes unmanageable. There is always something beyond the pale.

That doesn't mean the decision was necessarily fair on Pietersen. He will argue that his problems on the recent Ashes tour, and with Peter Moores, came from nothing more than a desire for excellence and an abhorrence of mediocrity that was too much for weak minds. It would be extremely unwise to assume that just because Pietersen is in a minority, he is intrinsically wrong; there are umpteen historical examples, in far more important walks of life of sport, that remind us of that.

In an age of passive-aggressive manipulation, there is something refreshing about Pietersen apparently wanting to have things out in the open with his team-mates (even if, when it comes to briefing and PR, he is as disappointingly snide as the rest). He might also argue that England had no problems with him when they were winning and he was scoring monstrous centuries. It's legitimate to wonder how this England team might have coped with Sir Ian Botham and Shane Warne. The key point is that we simply don't know; at best we are making uneducated guesses.

The relationship between the England team and Pietersen was often described as a marriage of convenience yet in a sense they were more like acquaintances with benefits. We should have known it was going to end like this.

6b) The conversation-starter

Never mind the dressing-room; it was not easy being Pietersen out in the middle. Sometimes it was his sanctuary, other times he batted under unimaginable pressure. Sachin Tendulkar batted with the hopes of millions of India on his shoulders – but at least they all wanted him to succeed. Pietersen batted knowing that 50% of Englishmen were desperate for him to succeed and 50% even more desperate for him to fail. Sometimes he even had to play against two teams, as during his astonishing 149 against South Africa and England at Headingley in 2012.

It's often said that Pietersen batted for himself; as his career went on, he had little choice but to do that, so isolated did he become. Which is the chicken and which is the egg in this situation will be forever debated. Either way, he had to bat knowing that, whatever happened, he would be the watercooler's hottest topic afterwards.

He had a unique burden. He had to hit sixes but not get out trying to hit sixes. He had to counter-attack but not get out counter-attacking. In the 2007 World Cup, England needed him to be pinch-hitter, anchor and death-hitter all in one. It was an absurd burden.

That, coupled with his perpetual sense – fair or not – of being misunderstood and unloved, makes you wonder just what he would have achieved with unconditional love. Sometimes the awkwardness made him bat better. Unpopularity can be the most powerful fuel of all, but only in the short-term, unless you are a WWF wrestler. Over time it will have weighed heavily both on his conscious and unconscious.

The phrase "We need to talk about Kevin" quickly became a boring cliché. It arguably missed the point. We didn't just need to talk about Kevin because of what Kevin did, as in the film; we needed to talk about Kevin whether he did anything or not, because he enlivened our grubby, boring lives. He brought out the village gossip in us all. He was so charismatic that we became addicted to him, so we discussed things that we would not with other players. Our lives will be significantly duller without him.

Kevin PietersenCricketRob Smyth
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Arsenal v Bayern Munich live! | Rob Smyth

Wojcech Szczesny was sent off and Mesut Ozil missed a penalty before Bayern showed their class with two second-half goals

9.36pm GMT

Thats it. There will be talk of the missed penalty and the red card, of course, but the most important detail is that Arsenal are a good side and Bayern a great one. That difference in class became increasingly obvious as the game progressed, both before and after Szczesny was sent off. Bye!

9.35pm GMT

90+1 min Kroos hits the post with a deliberate sidefoot from 20 yards, the ball shimmering across the turf like a bowling ball. He is a wonderful player. Arsenal have gone. If this went on for another ten minutes it would be 5-0.

9.34pm GMT

90 min Arsenal are on their knees. Gotzes shot deflects just wide of goal. There will be two added minutes.

9.34pm GMT

89 min When we write the Joy of Six: intelligent footballers, Thomas Muller will surely be up there. He is a miracle of resourcefulness.

9.33pm GMT

Thomas Muller finds the unmarked blade of grass in the penalty area and puts Arsenal out of Europe. Its a beautifully worked goal. Pizarros brilliant centre-to-right run takes Mertesacker out of the game; Muller pulls off Flamini to meet Lahms precise chipped pass from the right and head it carefully into the corner from eight yards. Thats a high-class goal.

9.31pm GMT

Well there that goes.

9.31pm GMT

87 min Koscielny wins a free-kick just inside the Bayern half. Its wasted by Wilshere.

Nomination for shortest debate of the year, says Colin Livingstone. Kroos or Wilshere.

9.30pm GMT

85 min Actually, perhaps Bayern, Robben excepted, could have been a little more ruthless in the last 15 minutes. It shouldnt matter but a score of 1-0 does give Arsenal at least a snifter of hope. Rosicky is booked for fouling Robben.

9.29pm GMT

83 min Regarding whether to join in and send you an abusive note it boils down to defending a person I like or siding with the powerful, says Ian Copetake. Well, you muppet ...

NB: the clip below contains some lively language.

9.27pm GMT

82 min Arsenal cross the halfway line.

9.26pm GMT

81 min Another wonderfully decisive run from Robben, buzzing infield from the right, takes him into the six-yard box before his cutback is cleared desperately for a corner.

9.23pm GMT

79 min Another Bayern change: the quiet Thiago off, the 472-year-old Chelsea alumnus Claudio Pizarro on. That means Bayern are playing two up front. And four at the back. 4-4-2 you might say. Peps the Spanish John Beck!

9.22pm GMT

78 min Ozil, says Sarah McLeroy. This was definitely in the brochure. Its who Ozil is, brilliant for a while and then invisible or even a liability the rest of the time. He can be sublime but that never lasts. He has shown this inability to play at his highest level for long periods of time running at every club he has played at.

Sorry, should have made it clearer: I meant that marking a full-back wasnt in the brochure that Arsenal showed him.

9.20pm GMT

77 min Imagine what Bayern could do to Manchester United if they get them in the quarter-finals!

9.20pm GMT

76 min Yes, that should have been a penalty. Muller tried to stay on his foot, which may have cost him, but he was clearly fouled having wrongfooted Koscielny. Muller didnt appeal, which is a bit odd. Then again Chris Waddle didnt appeal when he was clearly fouled in the box in the Italia 90 semi-final.

9.19pm GMT

75 min Ooooh ooohs Gary Neville when Muller goes over in the box after a challenge from Koscielny. I was reading abusive emails so missed it Im afraid.

9.18pm GMT

74 min Arsenal make their final substitution, with Tomas Rosicky replacing the tiring Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. Its a bit of a surprise that Ozil is still on the field, mind.

9.17pm GMT

72 min Robben frees the overlapping Lahm, who sidefoots a fierce first-time cross towards the near post. Gotze meets it with a diving header across goal that deflects off Mertesacker and just wide of the near post.

9.16pm GMT

71 min This is a masterclass in possession football, less indulgent than Spain and the current Barcelona. Ramba Zamba > tiki-taka. The key is Robben, who has such penetration in his play. He has been absurdly good tonight.

9.15pm GMT

70 min Robben, on the right corner of the box, uses Ozil as a screen and Whitesides a delicious curling shot just wide of the far post. By the way the score, in passes, is Bayern 561-140 Arsenal.

9.13pm GMT

68 min Do you think Kroos could be underrated because of his quiet and often seemingly arrogant nature? says Pierre Muller. He looks like hes in a symbiosis with this thing on his foot, cant think of a actual football looking more elegant, more gifted with pure talent, but still... I dont like him, it just seems like he knows too well how good he is. Do you like him?

I do. On the list of arrogant German midfield players, surely he only just sneaks into the top 4000?

9.11pm GMT

66 min The sliding Muller is approximately 0.2423127 millimetres away from converting Rafinhas superb low cross from the right. Bayern have marmalised Arsenal down this right-hand side. Im amazed Wenger hasnt switched Ozil and Oxladee-Chamberlain. Ozil either doesnt want to or doesnt know how to defend.

9.09pm GMT

65 min As were all getting very excited about things tonight, potentially prematurely, how much more rope has Ozil got before officially Arshaving? says Elliot Carr-Barnsley. Since the skill for the penalty incident, he has seemed completely unaware of what hes meant to be achieving either going forward or covering back.

When he joined Arsenal, this definitely wasnt in the brochure.

9.08pm GMT

64 min Robben tees up Rafinha, whose first-time cross is headed wide by the under-pressure Gotze. Bayern take off Mandzukic and bring on the false nines false nine, Thomas Muller.

9.08pm GMT

63 min Fabianski makes a fine save from Robben. Kroos (I think), clipped a penetrative angled 20-yard pass over the head of Koscielny. Robben hared beyond the defence and sidefooted the ball first time back whence it came. I think it was a shot, although it may have been an attempted cross to Mandzukic. Either way, Fabianski plunged to his right to palm it away.

9.06pm GMT

62 min Red card and pelanty rule, says Felix Wood. The red card is a punishment for the player fouling in DOGSO. The pelanty is to ensure that no advantage is gained. The first is to discourage the foul being made in future, the latter to ensure the attacking team isnt penalised. One punitive, the other compensatory. One without the other would always mean it would be more worth risking the foul than not. Is that what you want? Really? YOURE A MONSTER.

9.05pm GMT

61 min Bayern are now roaming the green with the most delicious arrogance. We are better than you, and we are going to remind you of that fact for every remaining second of this match.

9.04pm GMT

60 min On Sky, Bill Leslie reminds us that thats Arsenals 100th red card under Wenger. Opta stats confirm that Wenger saw all 100 incidents, and disagreed with the lot.

9.03pm GMT

59 min Bayern have had 78 per cent of the possession in this half. Long live Ramba Zamba.

9.02pm GMT

57 min Arsenal cant get out of their third, never mind their half.

9.01pm GMT

56 min So England will have two European Cup quarter-finalists at most, to go with none last year. This is surely Englands worst period in Europe since the mid-1990s.

9.00pm GMT

55 min Sanogo is booked for running into Neuer. Wenger, on the touchline, makes a dive motion to Robben. He saw that incident, then. Wengers noggin has gone, just like Pellegrinis last night.

8.59pm GMT

This is a glorious goal from Kroos. It came, inevitably, from a move down the right. After a bit of Ramba Zamba, Lahm came infield and played the ball back to Kroos. He was 20 yards out, in front of the near post, and leaned back to place a languid curling shot into the top corner. Fabianski leapt to his left but had no chance. That was a majestic goal from a still underrated footballer.

8.58pm GMT

Pick that out.

8.57pm GMT

53 min Bayern are killing Arsenal down the right, with Rafinha and Robben. This time Robben comes infield, along the line of the box before shaping a nice curler towards the far post that is comfortably saved by the plunging Fabianski.

8.57pm GMT

52 min Wenger must be tempted to bring on Giroud for Sanogo. The problem is that would be his third substitution, a risk so early in the game.

8.56pm GMT

51 min A chance for Arsenal. Ozils inswinging free-kick from the right finds Koscielny, who loses Martinez just inside the area, but he overruns the ball.

8.54pm GMT

50 min Arsenal have barely touched the ball since half-time.

8.53pm GMT

48 min Should that have been another penalty to Bayern? Thiago was moving onto a driven cross from the left when he fell over and missed the ball. At the same time a challenge came in from behind. Whether that affected him we dont yet know, as they havent shown a replay. Nobody seemed to make very much of it. The ball was half-cleared to Kroos, whose long-range shot was straight at Fabianski and easily held.

8.50pm GMT

46 min Bayern make a half-time substitution, with Rafinha replacing Boateng. So Martinez goes to centre-back and Lahm into midfield. Gotzes dangerous cross towards Mandzukic is cleared.

8.48pm GMT

The more you see the penalty, the more you understand the perception that it was not a red card. Its really hard to call. Perhaps one of the covering defenders would have got there before Robben; I dont know. I know this isnt a popular standpoint in this age of faux outrage, but I can see both sides!

If Özil had gone past Boateng, says Haris Odobasic, wouldnt he have been 1 on 1 with Neuer which is a clear goalscoring opportunity, or not?

8.44pm GMT

Whats going on here then?

8.43pm GMT

It seems there are plenty of you who dont think it was a penalty, never mind a red card. I thought it was a clear decision once Id seen the first replay. We should see it again in a minute. Michael Ballack on Sky calls it a clear penalty and that he hates the rule whereby the player has to be sent off too. Hes right. The red card is for denying a clear goalscoring opportunity, but what is a penalty if not a clear goalscoring opportunity? A penalty and a yellow seems fair unless it is a comically cynical foul.

In other news, that touch of Ozils to create the penalty was pure genius not only did he Cruyff-turn Boateng, he stunned the ball into the ground so that it bounced over Boatengs trailing leg, which then brought him down. If Ozil meant that and I think he did its ludicrous skill.

8.39pm GMT

Heres Wojcech Szczesny reaction to his red card.

8.37pm GMT

Somewhere in the world, Greavsie is nodding sagely. That was a funny old half, with two missed penalties and a red card overshadowing some high-class football from both sides. See you in 10 minutes.

8.35pm GMT

45+1 min There are suggestions that Szczesny responded to his red card with a popular playground hand signal. The one that conveys the perception that the recipient is an incorrigible onanist. Szczesny should have done it in the referees face. Whats the referee going to do, send him off again?

8.32pm GMT

45 min Robben is still being booed. I suppose theres an element of the boy who cried wolf but its certainly misplaced in this instance. He was clearly fouled. Meanwhile, Mandzukic is booked for something or other. Nobody seems to know what.

8.30pm GMT

44 min Kroos gets a final warning from the referee, presumably for repeat offending.

8.30pm GMT

43 min Naylors idea is a good one, says Simon Huxtable. I have another: if a player irritates the referee through his backchat, then the referee can give him a choice: either a yellow card or referees justice, which is a kick in the shins (without shinpads). A player already on a yellow might choose refs justice, but might face a lengthy spell on the sidelines if the ref is feeling particularly mean.

8.28pm GMT

42 min Robben is being booed for the crime of having his shinbone treated like a football by Szczesny.

8.26pm GMT

40 min This game is turning into a farce. Alaba sidefoots the penalty confidently but straight onto the outside of the left post, with Fabianski going the wrong way.

8.25pm GMT

39 min Santi Cazorla - who has contributed to Arsenals problems by doing no defending - is sacrificed, with the replacement goalkeeper Lukasz Fabianski coming on.

8.24pm GMT

Actually, maybe it is a legitimate red card. Robben, zipping infield from the right, played a lovely one-two with Kroos, who clipped his return pass over the top of a static defence. Robben, flying through the air, got there just before Szczesny and was sent tumbling. A clear penalty. At first I thought Robben had pushed it too wide to be a clear goalscoring opportunity; on reflection Robben would surely have scored.

8.23pm GMT

This is clearly a penalty, though the red card seems more than a little harsh.

8.22pm GMT

36 min Arsenal are living on the seat of their grundies. Koscielnys stumble allows Robbens angled pass to put Mandzukic clear on the right of the box. He could hit a first-time cross shot but instead tries to come back inside the recovering last man Koscielny, who dispossesses him crucially.

8.21pm GMT

35 min This is a fine spell for Bayern, with the Ramba Zamba machine growling into life. That said, Szczesny hadnt had a save to make. Yet. He also has one then when the overlapping Alaba cuts the ball back sharply to Robben, whose fierce first-time shot from 10 yards hits the unwitting Mertesacker on the six-yard line. I think Szczesny would have saved it, though its hard to be certain. What is clear is that it was a beautiful move.

8.20pm GMT

32 min Gary Naylor claims the likes of Pelligrini should be captured by his rule. While Pellegrini was not covering himself in glory last night, Gary could take a look down Kings Road at Chelsea to see the problem with his idea. Chelsea would be paying Mourinho 4 million or so a year to never pick his team.

What do you mean claims? Pellegrini was bang out of order! Naylor cited him because it was the most recent incident. Everyone knows what Mourinhos like; nobody said otherwise. Give the keyboard outrage a rest.

8.17pm GMT

31 min Gibbs limps off and is replaced by Nacho Monreal.

8.15pm GMT

29 min Wilshere and Oxlade-Chamberlain have been very good so far. Another youngster, Gibbs, looks in trouble. He is lying on his back and, though hes not in any obvious pain, he appears to have pulled something. Moments earlier Boateng, booked when he conceded the penalty, stops an Arsenal counter-attack with a foul on Wilshere. He was 80 yards from his own goal and a second yellow would have been excessive, though some more officious jokers would have shown one.

8.14pm GMT

27 min Krooss inswinging free-kick from deep on the left is headed well wide by the under-pressure Mandzukic.

8.13pm GMT

26 min This managerial whining after big clubs lose, effecting the double whammy of intimidating referees and deflecting attention away from defeats is deeply tedious, says Gary Naylor. Touchline bans and fines arent going to deter them, so why not hit them where it hurts? The likes of Pelligrini should name his team and then have the opposition manager nominate a player to be stood down and replaced by a sub. Playground insults deserve (reverse) playground rules. And if not this... what?

STOP FOOTBALL?

8.11pm GMT

25 min A sinuous run from Oxlade-Chamberlain brings a corner for Arsenal. He has been terrific on the right wing. Cazorlas corner is taken down by Sanogo 15 yards out and then lumped clear. This is a good spell for Arsenal.

8.10pm GMT

22 min The influential Oxlade-Chamberlain harasses Alaba into a dodgy backpass and hares after it. Neuer gets there just before Oxlade-Chamberlain to hack clear.

8.07pm GMT

21 min Arsenals neat one-touch move ends with an errant touch from Sanogo just inside the box. Poor Ozil then incurs the displeasure of the crowd with a bad pass. How dare you Mesut!

8.04pm GMT

19 min As soon as I saw penalty in the MBM I was pretty sure the next update would be an Ozil miss, says Justin Kavanagh. No beef against him, great player, but doesnt feel like hes a killer penalty taker. Does Arsenal really have anyone who fits the bill?

Its often the case that the most beautiful creative players lack that need to kill. It was often said about Bergkamp (another dodgy penalty taker) and Laudrup as well.

8.04pm GMT

18 min A Bayern corner from the right is half cleared to Alaba, whose fizzing shot from 20 yards is well blocked by Flamini.

8.01pm GMT

17 min Maybe Sanogo is too young and inexperienced to be scared, says Gordon Burns. It almost worked for the USA in its quartefinal against Germany at the 2002 World Cup. I dont see why we should lose to Germany, said the young Landon Donovan before that game. Why should we lose to Germany?

And of course they lost to Germany. But yes, its a fair point; weve seen it so many times before.

8.01pm GMT

16 min A quiet period. Bayern are slowly warming up the Ramba Zamba. Arsenal were magnificent for those first 10 minutes, but this is starting to look ominous.

7.59pm GMT

14 min I always felt that Glenn Hoddles decision not to take Paul Gascoigne to the 1998 World Cup was a brave decision, says Karl Gibbons. Quite a few papers at the time felt it was wrong, and whilst 1998 didnt quite work out for England, they certainly didnt miss him. Sadly for him it seemed to fast forward his decline thereafter. The less said about Hoddles view of previous lives the better.

7.59pm GMT

13 min The mood of the match has changed with that penalty miss. Bayern are having a lot of the ball now, albeit with no penetration.

7.56pm GMT

10 min Arsenal had started wonderfully, tearing into Bayern, and they should be ahead. You know how these things play out.

7.55pm GMT

Oh my goodness. Ozil waited and waited and then hit a poor penalty that was far too straight and at saveable height. Neuer almost dived beyond it, moving to his left, but managed to beat it away with his right hand. As Daniel Harris says opposite me, it was similar to one of David Seamans saves away to Sampdoria in 1994-95.

7.54pm GMT

This is magnificent football from Arsenal! Ozil, put through on the left of the box, Cruyff-turns Boateng, who brings him down with a dangling leg and is booked. Thats a clear penalty. Ozil was actually offside when he ran onto Wilsheres through pass, but it was a stunning turn.

7.53pm GMT

6 min Neuer makes a great save from Sanogo! The ball broke in the box to Sanogo, who sidefooted a low first-time effort towards the right corner. Neuer, who had been moving the other way, did brilliantly to change direction and get down in time to palm the shot away.

7.52pm GMT

5 min Sanogo bursts clear on the right of the box after a penetrative pass from Wilshere. The move peters out but Sanogo has started with considerable zest. As have Arsenal. Oxlade-Chamberlains excellent cross from the right almost finds the head of Sanogo, with Boateng doing very well to clear.

7.50pm GMT

4 min One persons brave decision to play Sanogo is anothers idiocy, says Howard Fishman. Seems to me this is Arsenes passive-aggressive attitude towards Girouds indiscretions. Time and place, Arsene.

A decision can be brave and idiotic, surely?

7.49pm GMT

3 min Bayern are playing with Robben left and Gotze right. They barely got a kick for, er, 90 seconds, but they are on the ball now and Szczesny has to make a fantastic save from Kroos! The ball was moved lazily back and forth across midfield until Kroos, 30 yards shot, drilled a rising drive across goal with his left foot. Szczesny leapt to his left and tipped the ball over with his wrong hand, the right.

7.47pm GMT

2 min Theres been plenty said about Arsenes decisions, but Peps made a couple of interesting choices too, says Tanay Padhi. Muller on the bench, a proper centre-forward, and Lahm returning to fullback. Peps gone orthodox!

Hes no better than John Beck.

7.46pm GMT

1 min Arsenal kick off from left to right. They should enjoy that kick. Theres a belting atmosphere at the Emirates I know and a promotion to big-big-game duties for Skys excellent commentator Bill Leslie. Sanogo whips the crowd up some more with an intrepid if ultimately futile run.

7.34pm GMT

Prediction: Arsenal 1-3 Bayern.

7.33pm GMT

That book plug, says Conor Creighton. Undignified in the extreme but youre off the hook if you plug my book too. Saint Frank. Its not about football, its about a boy who can talk to animals. But I am an Arsenal fan and I live in Munich so there is context.

7.29pm GMT

In view of this Sanogo business, please send in your nominations for the bravest managerial decision. Ill start with two: Arrigo Sacchi taking off Roberto Baggio at USA 94, which some lummox wrote about here, and dear old Fergie dismantling his first great team in the summer of 1995.

7.27pm GMT

Perhaps Sanogo offers more penetration than Giroud? says Simon Naylor-Copestake. HONK!

Ill be the judge of a honk round here, sonny.

7.19pm GMT

Book one.

Book two.

7.15pm GMT

On my way to the game, says Tim OSullivan. Shame Thomas Muller has already worked out which blade of grass will be unmarked in the 18-yard box in the 77th minute, the clever swine. Anyway, if Bayern are a fusion of Barça 08-12 and last seasons Bayern, then we sort of fuse Flashdance with MC Hammer shit. Should be fun.

7.09pm GMT

I wouldnt agree on your Porto statement, Rob, says Venkata Subramanian. They had to overcome Manchester United in the round of 16,who were the defending Premier League champions that year and one of the heavy weights. After that their path was easy. Which in all fairness still means that, Arsenal will get Barcelona in the next round IF (infinitely big) they get past Bayern.

Yes, but United are the defending Premier League champions this season. They are also useless. United were, a couple of gloriously defiant FA Cup performances aside, a shambles in the second half of the 2003-04 season.

6.56pm GMT

6.42pm GMT

It seems to me that while Arsenal may rue their luck in so often meeting the top dogs once they get out of the group stage, the fact is that to win the competition you have to be able to knock out some of the favourites at some point down the line anyway, says Martin McCarthy. Is Wenger found tactically wanting in the big European games or are there other, more important factors explaining these defeats?

There are very detailed, very important, very subtle, very cerebral, very educated tactical reasons why Arsenal have failed to win the Champions League in recent years, and Id probably need a 274-page document to explain them fully. Either that or the teams who knocked them out had better players and played better.

6.00pm GMT

Ramba Zamba was the name given to describe the high-speed passing carousel operated by the greatest international team of all, West Germanys Netzer-inspired European Champions of 1972. Think of it as tiki-taka without the tedium and pomposity, and with a German edge. In other words the football being played by Pep Guardiolas Bayern Munich.

Bayern have quite the aura right now. Their league record reads like something from a computer game: P21 W19 D2 L0 F57 A9. They feel like a fusion of 2008-12 Barcelona and last seasons Bayern Munich, not to mention of Spanish and German stereotypes: indestructible indefatigable technically perfect robots who can drink 14 steins of beer and still do the nine-times table.

Arsenal v Bayern Munich – live! | Rob Smyth

Minute-by-minute report: It’s a repeat of last season’s Champions League meeting. Follow all the action with Rob Smyth

Rob Smyth

The Fiver | The harsh truth is that Manchester City fluffed their lines on and off the field

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A BITTER PELL TO SWALLOW

Manuel Pellegrini is an unusual football manager, in that he doubles up as a decent human being. Pellegrini and Manchester City have been impossible to dislike this season, given his decency and their swaggering football, and that shouldn't change because of one night of petulance. But it's fascinating how easily the good-guy mask slips when the smoke stops being blown up your hole.

Pellegrini has consciously or otherwise styled himself as everything José Mourinho is not. So it was disappointing, instructive and highly amusing to see him wear Mourinho's clothes – specifically his 2005 Matalan coat – by launching into an out-of-order rant about a Scandinavian referee after his side lost the first leg of a last-16 Big Cup tie to Barcelona.

It's true that Pellegrini has reason to be radged-off about his treatment in Big Cup. His Málaga team were robbed in Dortmund last season, and Barcelona's first goal last night should not have been given for two reasons. And with Barça down to 11 men after Martín Demichelis's sending-off, maybe City would have taken advantage at 0-0. Yet the most important thing is that Barcelona are and were the better side. City are the best side in a poor domestic league, and the step up was too great. There's no shame in that.

"From the beginning I felt the referee was not impartial to both teams," Pellegrini said. "The referee decided the game. He favoured Barcelona from the beginning to the end. I think it was not a good idea to put a referee from Sweden in charge and a referee who made a mistake against Barcelona in a previous match. I think there is more important football in Europe than Sweden," concluded the Chilean coach.

Pellegrini is likely to face a Uefa Level One charge of acting the giddy goat. It was a bitter and hopelessly confused interview, although we should cut him a bit of slack given the obvious disappointment that comes with realising you will have to settle for a domestic treble. The usually articulate Vincent Kompany was the same, rambling incoherently before becoming the subject of Roy Keane's unique brand of hard-faced sympathy: "He's obviously really tired. I'm not sure he knows what he's talking about." The harsh truth is that City fluffed their lines on, and off, the field.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

Join Rob Smyth from 7.30pm GMT for MBM coverage of Arsenal 1-3 Bayern Munich, and Daniel Harris for Milan 1-1 Atlético Madrid.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"We have taken those facts into account, together with the fact Dennis pleaded guilty in an attempt to minimise the impact on Boston United. He is very upset by his actions and the potential impact on Boston United. He did offer his resignation, he will fully comply with the sentencing requirements and, very importantly, the false claims pre-dated his employment at Boston United. The board of Boston United does not condone Dennis's actions, but he has been punished already, therefore it was felt that further sanctions by the club would be unwarranted. Dennis has accepted the outcome of the disciplinary procedure and he will remain first-team manager" – Boston United chairman David Newton issues a statement after the Skrill North club's manager Dennis Greene was found guilty of falsely claiming benefits.

FIVER LETTERS

"Further to the story of Jens Lehmann's bag getting pinched (yesterday's Bits and Bobs), I can only add that what goes round comes round" – Ray Carroll.

"Re: the Lee Carsley Effect™ (yesterday's Fiver). I remember watching Everton on TV once and being impressed with Lee Carsley's energy. He seemed to be everywhere on the pitch. It was only later pointed out to me that, three-quarters of the time, the player I was watching was Thomas Gravesen" – Paul Power.

"Can I be the first of many herpetological pedants to point out that a bite from a very poisonous snake may or may not be harmful – it's eating them you need to avoid. A bite from a very venomous snake, on the other hand, is worse than the chalice Lord Ferg handed to David Moyes" – David Hopkins (and 1,056 other herpetological pedants).

"May I be the first ophiological pedant to point out that what I think you meant to say is least venomous, extremely venomous snake, as a poisonous snake would only be dangerous were you to eat it. And, since the departure of Michael Johnson, I think the Barcelona players are safe from actually being chowed down upon" – Mat Owen (and 1,056 ophiological pedants).

"Let me be the first of 1,057 serpentologists to point out that snakes aren't poisonous – they're venomous" – Sheridan Smith (and 1,056 apparent serpentologists).

"Long-time reader, first time pedant, and two bites of the cherry in yesterday's Fiver, no less! Snakes are not poisonous, they are venomous (thanks QI), and Jens Lehmann can't ask for the return of a bag he had stolen – which sounds a lot like [Snip – Fiver Lawyers] – he could only ask for the return of a bag that was stolen from him. I've longed for this moment, so why do I feel less of a person?" – David Plant.

"Re: Steve Bruce's funk about Hull's game being brought forward to avoid a clash with Big Cup ties (yesterday's Bits and Bobs). I think Uefa was spooked a few years back when Jermain Defoe and Neil Mellor (twice) netted for West Ham against Crystal Palace at a 90%-full Upton Park in the league, while on the same night Chelsea were playing Besiktas at a 75%-full Stamford Bridge in Big Cup – hence lots of empty seats on view (actual difference in attendance was a touch over 1,000 in favour of the Big Cup tie). What Uefa might not be taking into account, however, is that there may also have been a clash with a new Midsomer Murders which would have kept the Chelsea gate down that night, proving once again that TV is the death of football" – Ian Sargeant.

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day is: Ray Carroll.

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BITS AND BOBS

Bayer Leverkusen boss Sami Hyppia is clutching at straws after the 4-0 home defeat by PSG in Big Cup last night. "You can't say that it all went wrong," he faux-smiled. "It's a difficult phase. We must be mentally strong like a boxer who has suffered a knockout punch and gets up again."

Ravel Morrison has completed a 93-day emergency loan to QPR from West Ham. "All I want to do is play football," he cooed. "I just want to show everyone what I can do week in, week out."

Dynamo Kiev's Big Vase game against Valencia tomorrow has been moved to Nicosia in Cyprus because of unrest in the Ukrainian capital.

Crawley Town could compensate Tranmere Rovers fans who travelled south to the League One game yesterday, only for it to be called off at 6.31pm. "The club would like to apologise to all supporters and sponsors for the late postponement of the fixture and the inconvenience caused," sniffed a Crawley statement.

Darren Fletcher has returned to the Scotland squad for their friendly with Poland next month. Full squad: Gilks (Blackpool), Marshall (Cardiff City), McGregor (Hull City); Bardsley (Sunderland), Berra (Ipswich), Greer (Brighton), Hanley (Blackeye Rovers), Hutton (Aston Villa), Martin (Norwich), Robertson (Dundee United), Whittaker (Norwich); Adam (Stoke), Anya (Watford), McFiver (Fiver Towers), Bannan (Crystal Palace), Brown (Queen's Celtic), Burke (Birmingham), Fletcher (Manchester United), Forrest (Queen's Celtic), Morrison (West Brom), Mulgrew (Queen's Celtic), Snodgrass (Norwich); Fletcher (Sunderland), McCormack (Nasty Leeds), Naismith (Everton).

And Chris Wood, the drummer out of 'popular beat-combo Bastille', will be on summariser duty for BBC Radio Devon's coverage of Dagenham & Redbridge v Plymouth on Saturday. "I have been fortunate enough to have managers and players alongside me, but it will be a first to have someone from the world of entertainment," cheered commentator Gordon Sparks. "Especially given the popularity of Bastille."

STILL WANT MORE?

Why on earth are Manchester United offering Wayne Rooney a contract that could see them still coughing up £300,000 a week to him in 2019? Paul Wilson struggles to see how they make the numbers work.

Which day of the year could field the best team of players born on that date? Let the Knowledge take the strain.

Scotland boss Wee Gordon Strachan has an exclusive chat with Ewan Murray.

The very busy Raphael Honigstein explains how boss Thomas Tuchel is helping Mainz compete with Germany's big spenders.

From the 1988 FAI Cup final to Schumacher v Battiston, 10 of the worst penalty decisions ever.

Oh, and if it's your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.

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Bayer Leverkusen v PSG as it happened | Rob Smyth

Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored twice, the second a screamer, as Paris Saint-Germain romped to a 4-0 win in Leverkusen

9.33pm GMT

The flying Cabaye heads Van der Wiels cross straight at Leno, and moments later the final whistle goes. An unexpectedly easy night at the office for PSG, who clinch a quarter-final place with a game to spare. They are lively outsiders for this tournament, and not just because Paul Doyle said so. Thanks for your emails and especially your half-volleys; goodnight!

9.30pm GMT

This is a fine goal from the substitute Cabaye. Ibrahimovic found the overlapping Maxwell, whose deep cut back was a little behind Lucas. He rolled it back to the edge of the box for Cabaye, who placed a classy rising shot past Leno at the near post.

9.27pm GMT

86 min Some action! Ibrahimovic, in an inside-left position, curls a beautiful low cross/pass towards Pastore, eight yards out, and his sliding shot is bravely blocked by Leno, who wears Pastores studs at the point of collision.

9.25pm GMT

85 min I would describe the action, but I dont like lying to you. A number of Leverkusen fans are doing the walk of sadness.

9.24pm GMT

84 min Michael Owen? sniffs Paul Ewart. But arent Bond villains extravagant and louche? I cant see a Bond villain informing the world that hed rather hold it in than pay 30p for the use of a public convenience. On a train.

When we do the Joy of Six: Footballer Tweet - and we will - that has to be be top of the list.

Just paid 30p to have a wee at a train station. Out of principle I tried to hold it in but my train was an hours wait so had to give in.

9.23pm GMT

82 min After what happened in the first half Leverkusen will almost be relieved to have lost 3-0, which in itself is a bit humiliating. This game now resembles a lethargic pre-season friendly.

9.21pm GMT

81 min Sepp Blatter does have a passing resemblance to Joker from Batman, says Ademola-Popoola Oreoluwa.

Christ, can you imagine how Blatter would behave in this situation.

9.19pm GMT

80 min I like Joey Barton as a Bond Villain, says Allan Castle. I can see the tweets now: @GCHQ whos laughing now? #crotchlaser #nuttedhimfirst.

9.17pm GMT

77 min Leverkusens first decent chance of the match falls to Reinart, whose towering header from 10 yards is straight at Sirigu.

9.16pm GMT

76 min The game is winding down. Lavezzi is replaced by Javier Pastore.

9.16pm GMT

75 min If you end up naming a bastardista (or even a Bond villain) XI then please make sure the magnificent Lothar Matheus is in it. I dont know what hes saying here but that doesnt mean it isnt a great clip.

Matthaus, Stefan Effenberg and Oliver Kahn, the greatest nemeses Bond never had.

9.14pm GMT

73 min Nothing is really happening. Zlatan looks as if hes wrestling with an internal dilemma: he wants a hat-trick, but can he really be bothered with the necessary effort. He is penalised, though not booked, for shoving Bender over off the ball.

9.12pm GMT

72 min Brandt has lifted the mood as only young players can, and sparks a Leverkusen attack with an extravagant crossfield pass played with the outside of the foot. Nothing comes of it, mind.

9.11pm GMT

71 min This is a great call from Phil Sawyer. Evening, Rob darling. Zlatan would be a crap Bond villain. As would Keane. On the grounds that Bond would walk into the underground cave and immediately finger them as the villain. Its the totally mundane ones who at first glance have nothing of interest to denote them who would make the best Bond villains. In which case, little Mickey Owen is quids in.

And just imagine him saying No Mr Bond, I want you to die in that voice. Im shivering just thinking about it.

9.10pm GMT

69 min Hawrite Rob! says Ryan Dunne. Some good ideas, but weve missed the open goal of suggesting Sepp Blatter as a footballing Bond villain (probably already has the Volcano-based lair). Emailing this whilst checking my inbox for a reply to a Valentines Day email I sent to a girl (no reply as yet, but am blaming this on the UK/Boston time difference. Maybe its like five days behind instead of five hours!

When you get married can I please come to your wedding? After this epic search for true love, I will hemorrhage tears of joy when you meet the one.

9.08pm GMT

67 min Thats the end of Matuidis excellent performance, with Yohan Cabaye replacing him.

9.07pm GMT

66 min An own-goal from the substitute Wollscheid is disallowed for an offside against Lavezzi, even though he didnt touch the ball. Matuidis shot was saved by Leno, who pushed it onto the body of Wollscheid and into the net. That was probably the wrong decision but, well, who cares.

9.05pm GMT

64 min The 17-year-old Julian Brandt, making his Champions League debut, wins a corner for Leverkusen. Yes, yes I know I didnt inform you that he came on the field. I missed that. P45 please! He came on at half-time, it says here, presumably for Son Heung-Min.

9.03pm GMT

63 min The diving in mens football is so tedious and embarrassing. As my colleague Gary Naylor said the other day, its not that the players need to man up; they need to woman up.

9.02pm GMT

61 min The Leverkusen fans are booing everything now. Leverkusen have brought on a centre-half, Philipp Wollscheid, to replace Sidney Sam.

9.00pm GMT

58 min Lucas tries to run Spahic down the right wing and goes down holding his snout. Castro is booked for disputing the free-kick - and now Spahic has been given a second yellow! Thats a pretty poor decision from the assistant, who advised the referee before the red card came out. Spahic put his hand across Lucas, and he did make contact with his face, but it wasnt an elbow and it wasnt deliberate. Lucas made the most of it in the tedious modern style, and now Leverkusen are down to ten men.

8.57pm GMT

57 min Not much is happening.Thats the latest update from your award-winning Guardian.

8.55pm GMT

55 min I dont think The Zlatan would be a good Bond villain, says Justin Dingha. As The Zlatan would give his plans to Bond ahead of time, as per the script, he would actually fulfill it with style and insouciance. Can you imagine a Bond villain pairing of The Zlatan and Berbatov? What chance would the mighty MI6 have?

How about Roy Keane as a Bond villain? Now that Id pay to see. Listen, I dont rate you as a secret agent, I dont rate you as a lothario and I dont rate you as a person. Stick your 007 up your bollix!

8.53pm GMT

52 min Leverkusen are playing with much greater intensity, however, and its fair to assume they had a not insignificant rollocking from Hyypia at half-time.

8.52pm GMT

51 min If Leverkusen can nick one here ... it wont change a thing, will it. Not even those Sky Sports News oddballs could talk this one up.

8.50pm GMT

50 min Ibrahimovic, of course, is now the leading scorer in this seasons competition with 10.

8.48pm GMT

49 min I wasnt sure what the rules were for a half volley but reckon its the same as in tennis ie ball and ground basically together, says Dennis Johns. Thats not the point of this though. Sunday Olisehs winner in the 3-2 against Spain is the point of this. Id rather have scored that goal than any other goal Ive ever seen, I reckon.

8.48pm GMT

47 min Lucas, on the halfway line, slithers neatly between Guardado and Castro, who both pull him back. Guardado is booked.

8.48pm GMT

46 min Leverkusen begin the second half. The captain Simon Rolfes has been replaced by Stefan Reinartz.

8.44pm GMT

A self-made half volley? says Niall Mullen. A masterpiece nonetheless.

Oh aye. Theres something wonderfully deranged about that goal, as if an invisible man slipped a marmot down his pants just as he controlled the ball on his chest.

8.40pm GMT

Heres Zlatan putting the hurt on Leverkusen just before half time.

8.36pm GMT

Two goals, what a bastard! - Emil Lager.

A true half-volley must be hit just a split second after the ball has bounced, so that the bounce and contact are almost simultaneous. Anything else and its no longer a true half-volley. To use tennis as an example, every shot would be a half-volley if we used the hit it after its bounced definition. Without bouncing = volley. On the bounce = half-volley - Simon McMahon.

8.32pm GMT

A complete mismatch, sad to say. PSG have better players, more confidence, more conviction - and they have Zlatan, who after a quiet start to the game scored a monstrous third goal just before half time. See you in 15 minutes.

8.31pm GMT

44 min A great Tom Huddlestone half volley here, says Phil Cowen. The most impressive thing is how easy he makes this look.

He has one serious sweet spot, that lad. I thought he would turn out to be a much better player than he has, good though he obviously is.

8.29pm GMT

What a hit! Matuidi received Maxwells cross from the left in the area, back to goal. He was under pressure, falling backwards, but managed to ease the ball towards Ibrahimovic, just outside the area to the left of centre. He stomped onto the ball and, first time, boomed a left-footed shot across goal that swerved away from Leno and roared into the top corner. That was a bona fide blooter-belter from PSGs bastardista. To use the old line from Sir Alex Ferguson, he hit that ball like he wanted to kill it. Glorious.

8.27pm GMT

This is a laughably good goal from Ibrahimovic.

8.24pm GMT

PSG are into the quarter-finals. Ibrahimovic sidefoots an excellent penalty into the bottom-left corner. Leno went the right way but it was hit with good pace and into the side netting.

8.23pm GMT

It seemed that PSG had missed a great chance, when Matuidi miscontolled Maxwells low cross a few yards from goal. But, to general confusion around the ground, the referee penalised Spahic for pulling Lavezzi off the ball at the near post. Spahic was booked and the commentators are suggesting its an excellent spot from the referee. Im not sure as I missed the replay while urgently typing PENALTY!

8.22pm GMT

Whats going on here then?

8.22pm GMT

37 min Would Eric Cantona be a bastardista? asks Robin Hazlehurst. In a sort of thinking mans Vinnie Jones way? Incidentally, kicking the ball just as it hits the ground is called a drop-kick I believe, so the obvious half volley champion is Jonny Wilkinson. Or something.

Im confused now. It rarely takes much. As for Cantona, definitely. Comical arrogance is perhaps the defining quality of the bastardista.

8.21pm GMT

36 min Spahics bouncing long-ranger is comfortably held by Sirigu. Thats Leverkusens first shot on target.

8.20pm GMT

35 min Ibrahimovic flicks the ball arrogantly, delightfully, imperiously straight out for a throw-in. He hasnt had his best game, though thats part of the deal with such an unpredictable genius.

8.18pm GMT

33 min Freudian, is the subject of Matt Donys email. Evening, R-Smy. Each time I see Spahic, I misread it as Sapphic. Not sure what that says about me...

Thats a fascinating coincidence because every time I see Spahic I misread it as WHAT THE HELL BECAME OF MY CAREER.

8.16pm GMT

30 min Son almost slips a short-range return pass through a pack of defenders to put Bender through on goal. Instead it is blocked, after which Verratti dribbles his way out of trouble with an impressively arrogant certainty. He looks a player.

8.15pm GMT

29 min Have you read the magnificent bastardistas book? says Niall Mullen. It is, by all accounts, magnificent. No but its sitting impatiently on my bookshelf. As soon as I finish Wayne Mardles Hawaii 501 I shall read it.

8.13pm GMT

28 min Leverkusen move the ball nicely across the field to the overlapping Hilbert. His cross, alas, isnt worth a damn. But this is a better spell for Leverkusen. Moments later Hilbert slithers past Lavezzi and puts over an excellent dipping cross towards Kiessling, near the penalty spot. Alex gets there just before him to clear awkwardly.

8.12pm GMT

27 min Rob Lee scored a cracker against Brentford in Newcastles 1992-3 promotion season, says Paul OKeefe. Unfortunately, it was disallowed because of an offside call against a Brentford player in the Newcastle half.

Does that count as a half-volley? Either way, its a ridiculous goal - especially as in those pre-Beckham days there were very few goals from 50 yards or more, certainly in this country.

8.10pm GMT

25 min Leverkusen are being totally outplayed. They look pretty low on confidence, probably a consequence of their poor recent form. They need to keep it like this till half-time and then hope for a change of mood in the second half.

8.08pm GMT

22 min Spahic is perhaps harshly penalised for a push on Ibrahomvic, who moves his hands back and forth in a semi-circle to remind Spahic of the purpose of football. Nothing comes from the free-kick.

8.07pm GMT

20 min What does it mean to be a bastardista? says Emil Lager. To have long hair and be a villain on the pitchbut quite ok off it? To play in the same team as Elmander for Sweden and never say anything patronizing to/about the Norwich striker is saint-like behavior.Remember those videos of Messi when he shouted pass me the ball, looser! toTello? That is more bastardista to me..PS I know Z will get sent off tonight just to prove me wrong...

Sorry, I should have clarified. Bastardista is a team of endearment. Even Zlatans biggest fans would surely admit there is something of the magnificent Hollywood supervillain about him. Actually, hed be a fantastic Bond villain. Zlatan, the taekwondo master.

8.04pm GMT

18 min Leverkusen get a breather when Kiessling, their disingenuous nine, pulls wide and is fouled by Maxwell. Castros low, curling cross from the right brings a header from Kiessling that bounces up and is tipped over by Sirigu, though its all moot as Kiessling was offside.

8.02pm GMT

17 min This has been a performance of cool authority from PSG, both with and without the ball. They are winning it back very efficiently and often high up the pitch, which of course is how the goal came about.

8.01pm GMT

15 min At the moment PSG look much better than Leverkusen, who despite being a) at home and b) a goal down have no choice but to play like the away side for now. Their burgeoning frustration manifests itself in an ill-advised lunge on Ibrahimovic by Hilbert, who is booked.

7.58pm GMT

11 min That should have been 2-0 to PSG. Van der Wiels hanging cross from the right was dropped miserably by

poor
Leno, under a bit of pressure from Matuidi but nothing untoward. It came to Ibrahimovic, eight yards out, and his furious first-time half-volley struck Omer Toprak right into the breadbasket before deflecting away from goal. Moments later Lavezzi, under considerable pressure from Hilbert, mishit a difficult volley.

7.56pm GMT

9 min Guardados left-wing cross ricochets towards Sam, near the penalty spot, and with defenders converging he spanks a first-time shot into orbit. It was a difficult chance.

7.54pm GMT

8 min Told you about Ma tuidi, says Alex Netherton, who did precisely that when I

got him to write my preamble for me
picked his brain on PSG this afternoon.

7.53pm GMT

7 min PSG win a free-kick in an ominous position, 25 yards out and very central. The bastardista is over the ball, and he thrashes it straight into the wall. He hit that like he wanted to hurt someone in the wall rather than score a goal.

7.51pm GMT

4 min Matuidi, who is a zesty little bugger in midfield, is booked for a sliding foul on Sidney Sam.

7.49pm GMT

Matuidi started and finished the move. He snapped at Rolfes heels in midfield, gave the ball to Ibrahimovic on the right and kept going. Ibrahimovic gave it back infield to Verratti, who slipped a nice angled pass through a big hole in the defence, and Matuidi sidefooted it under Leno with his left foot from 15 yards. Leno, who got a pretty strong hand on it, might feel he should have done better. It was a good ball from Verratti, though, played between defenders and weighted immaculately so that Matuidi could take the shot first time on the run.

7.47pm GMT

This is far too easy for PSG.

7.47pm GMT

2 min Id recommend Nick Henrys half volley in the replay in 1990, says Gerald Aston. A wonderful save from poor old Jim Leighton, as well. That Oldham are another reminder why winning isnt everything. The greatest neutrals favourites in English football history.

7.46pm GMT

1 min The Paristas, in white, kick off from right to left. Leverkusen are wearing very, very, very, very, very dark blue.

7.41pm GMT

What is a half-volley? Weve had a few suggestions that involve players hottong a ball that has bounced once - hence the half - but I always thought a half-volley was when the ball hit both the player kicked the ball just as it hit the ground.

Hmph.

7.40pm GMT

I would love it if my dying words were Matt Le Tissier I love that man, Iwouldloveits Rachel Clifton. How can you beat that goal against Newcastle? Not that I dont love Rickie Lambert, but you cant beat Le Tiss

The best thing about that goal - and the volley later on - is that it was his first game back in the team, because Ian Branfoot had dropped him for a month! Branfoot picked a front two of Paul Moody and Iain Dowie ahead of Le Tissier. He picked Frankie Bennett, who would spend his early thirties playing for Forest Green Rovers, Aberystwyth and Weston-super-Mare, as substitute ahead of Le Tissier. That really is heroically thick management.

7.22pm GMT

Favourite half-volley? says Tom Hopkins. Im going with Charlie George, 27 October 1975. First goal of a hat-trick against Real Madrid no less. Tried it myself many times. Fell over my own feet. Every. Single. Time.

7.14pm GMT

Evening Rob, says Joe Ludlam. Heres a half-volley for you. John Sheridan in the 1991 League Cup final, not just for the sweetness of the strike but the sound it makes as the ball ricochets from Sealeys gloves onto the post before the roar of the crowd kicks in. I often wonder why modern TV coverage doesnt give the option of listening to crowd noise rather than commentary, as it is one of the most important aspects of attending a live game.

And commentary in this country, with a few exceptions, is pretty poor these days. Its strange that as punditry has improved, so commentary has regressed.

7.07pm GMT

This is a seriously accomplished half-volley, too, especially as it was a late equaliser in a game so spiteful - there was a fight in the tunnel at half-time - that losing wasnt an option. Im surprised more people dont regard Ole Solskjaer as the greatest finisher of the Premier League era; its certainly the case that nobody had his range, though you can understand why people would go for Alan Shearer, Robbie Fowler, Ruud van Nistelrooy and Thierry Henry. Id pick Solskjaer, mind. Im sure hes thrilled.

6.59pm GMT

Bayer Leverkusen (4-3-3) Leno; Hilbert, Spahic, Omer Toprak, Guardado; Bender, Rolfes, Castro; Sam, Kiessling, Son Heung-Min.
Substitutes: Yelldell, Reinartz, Wollscheid, Hegeler, Oztunali, Boenisch, Brandt.

Paris Saint-Germain (4-3-3) Sirigu; Van der Wiel, Alex, Thiago Silva, Maxwell; Verratti, Thiago Motta, Matuidi; Lucas, Ibrahimovic, Lavezzi.
Substitutes: Douchez, Cabaye, Marquinhos, Menez, Digne, Rabiot, Pastore.

6.41pm GMT

Whats your favourite half-volley ever? Doesnt have to have ended in a goal. Ill start with an obvious but irresistible choice, 3m 10s into the below video. There are people who grew up in the 1990s whose dying words will be Matt Le Tissier, so loved was he. He didnt win a single trophy, he never had an ice bath, and he got himself a McMuffin on the way to training most mornings, on one occasion having so many that he had a fainting fit. Theres a point there somewhere.

6.20pm GMT

The atmosphere will be magnificent in Leverkusen tonight, as it always is. Every time a German crowd reaches a certain decibel level, an avaricious goon at the Premier League should be sacked.

6.00pm GMT

France are the great underachievers of European club football. They have won two major international tournaments and two European trophies. Contrast that with Spain (two international tournaments, 33 European trophies) and England (one international tournament, 31 European trophies) in particular and you realise there is an unusual relationship between Frances achievements at club and international level. Even one of those two European triumphs, Marseilles Champions League victory in 1992-93, was discredited.

There are a number of possible reasons for this, from the tax laws to mentality to a culture of selling star players abroad that became entrenched in the 1990s. What is clear is this: French club football needs to pull its bloody finger out! Since Monaco reached the final a decade ago, in the Champions Leagues open season, France has had just one European Cup semi-finalist: Lyon in 2010.

Bayer Leverkusen v PSG – as it happened | Rob Smyth

Minute-by-minute report: Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored twice, the second a screamer, as Paris Saint-Germain romped to a 4-0 win in Leverkusen

Rob Smyth