Rob Smyth's Blog, page 192
February 14, 2013
New Zealand v England – live! | Rob Smyth
Over-by-over report: Can England win the final T20 international and the series? Join Rob Smyth to find out
Rob Smyth
Tottenham Hotspur v Lyon – as it happened | Rob Smyth
Gareth Bale scored two glorious free-kicks at the end of each half to give Spurs a 2-1 victory in a fine game
Rob SmythFebruary 13, 2013
Real Madrid v Manchester United – as it happened | Rob Smyth
Cristiano Ronaldo scores a majestic equaliser after Danny Welbeck's opener, while David de Gea made an amazing save
Rob SmythThe Fiver | A true one-off (apart from the next one) | Rob Smyth
BELIEVE THE HYPEWith the possible exception of having Weird Uncle Fiver's veteran grundies wafted under our freshly cleansed snout, nothing makes the Fiver recoil as much as a surfeit of hype. We've never been able to watch The Wire, due to the Guardian shoving it in our phizog 25/7 for a three-year period, and we heard so much about this "s3x" at school that we quickly wised up to what an overhyped waste of time that was, oh yeah. Occasionally, however, it's not actually possible to overhype something. Real Madrid v Manchester United is a case in point. This is the game in club football, between two clubs so glamorous that the Fiver is going to wear a tuxedo just to watch tonight's game. Or at least we would if we had a tuxedo, and weren't unable to afford one due to spending the last of the family copper on dames, horses and Tin.
"It's unfortunate we're meeting this early," said Lord Ferg. "I wish it had been at Wembley. But we can't think of failing. We have to get through if we are to win this trophy," he added, showing a peerless comprehension of how knockout football works. "Our team is capable of winning Big Cup. There is a great spirit about them. People keep saying we're not as good as past United teams but then sometimes we get foggy impressions about the past. I do so myself at times. But the reality is this team doesn't know when it is beaten, which is a great quality. I have no doubt in my mind this is the acid test."
The match pits Ferguson, the Godfather, against Daddy, the name that Michael Essien gave Jose Mourinho during yesterday's press conference. "Daddy is smiling, always happy and cheerful, working very hard for the team," he said, as Mourinho slumped in his chair alongside him, unprecedented contempt for everything and everyone written all over his coupon. Mourinho said his next job would be in England, but not as Ferguson's replacement. "No. I don't believe so. I think we have to end our career at the same time. Him at 90 and me at 70," he added with not even a soupcon of a hint of a tinge of a smile. All the while he had the air of a man who wouldn't physically be able to give a solitary one even if he wanted to, which was just fine by him because he didn't give a solitary one anyway. Of course it was all part of Mourinho's magnificent act. Inside he will be as excited as the rest of the world, for one simple reason: it's Real Madrid v Manchester United.
QUOTE OF THE DAY"As the ladies' toilets were packed, I took my girlfriend Derya to the gents. As a result security got involved. That's when the trouble started" – pity poor Hoffenheim midfielder Tobias Weis. Dressed as a caveman, you take your girlfriend to the toilets and the next thing you know you know you're being kicked out of a carnival for "rude" behaviour. Weis and his team-mate Tim Wiese have been disciplined by their club for the incident.
GET A FREE £25 BET WITH BLUE SQUAREFIVER LETTERS"There have been plenty of predictable jokes about Harry Redknapp, Peter Odemwingie and Plain Old John Terry throwing their hats in the ring for the Vatican job. With a solid CV of bachelorhood, the aroma of musty wine and [A BIG LEGAL SNIP!], surely bookies are already paying out on Weird Uncle Fiver" – Alistair Drummond.
"Re: Plain Old Joe Ratzinger becoming Chelsea manager (yesterday's letters). He may have much relevant experience for the Chelsea job ... but does Roman Abramovich exist?" – Brendan Mackinney .
If we were accurately keeping your race horse analogy going (Fiver passim) wouldn't it be safer to assume that the Fiver, rather than being Zippy Chippy, would be Lethargic Lasagne or Beggered Burger" – John Myles.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. And to placate certain readers, the Fiver awards prizeless Fiver letter o' the day goes to: Alistair Drummond.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATESWe keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
BITS AND BOBSCzech fans of chest thumping and lionhearted grit are in for a treat: Plain Old JT has travelled with Chelsea to Prague for Thursday's Big Vase match despite missing their win over Wigan due to a knee injury.
A 53-year-old man has been charged in connection with allegations of racist abuse aimed at the Leeds striker El Hadji Diouf.
Preston North End, hovering just north of the League One relegation zone, have confirmed they have parted company with their manager Graham Westley. "I have never walked away from anything in my life and don't expect me to," said Wesley as he walked towards the car park rather than away from his office.
STILL WANT MORE?When did city rivals last play at home on the same day? The Knowledge has the answer.
The Queen's Celtic may have gone down against Juventus but at least they went down scrapping, says Ewan Murray.
Not strictly speaking Fiver territory but well-worth checking out here's artist Oliver Laric's brilliant collection of basketball-manga face-offs.
Daniel Taylor joins Lord Ferg who is in surprisingly chipper form ahead of tonight's game in Madrid and then in turn is joined by you, the great unwashed.
While Marina Hyde really isn't buying that Lord Ferg - Special One love-in that has been doing the rounds lately.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER583,987 VALENTINE'S CARDS SENT OUT – SURELY SOMEONE WILL REPLY?Rob Smythguardian.co.uk © 2013 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
February 12, 2013
New Zealand v England – as it happened | Rob Smyth
Brendon McCullum's blistering innings helped New Zealand square the series with a crushing victory
Rob SmythFebruary 11, 2013
Alex Ferguson will bring tactical nous as well as motivation to Madrid
The Manchester United manager's tactical skills and new-found caution will be vital in the Champions League tie at the Bernabéu
Sir Alex Ferguson does not readily admit mistakes. Poor signings are bundled discreetly out of the back door, the subject rarely up for discussion, and critics are routinely taken apart by a genuine master of rhetoric. So when he does admit to a mistake, it is reasonable to assume it is a biggie: the sale of Jaap Stam, the announcement of his plan to retire in 2002 – and his tactics against Real Madrid in 2000.
It was one of the most important games in modern Manchester United history. Not only did it irrevocably damage their hopes of a European dynasty; it led to the most significant philosophical change in the history of the club. Before that game Ferguson sent his teams out in Europe to score one more than the opposition; since then, for the most part, he has sent them out to concede one fewer. Now, ahead of another meeting with Madrid, he may have come full circle.
After 26 years one would think English football knows everything about Ferguson, yet despite regular reminders, such as the expert muzzling of Everton's Marouane Fellaini on Sunday, his position as one of the game's keenest tacticians remains strangely unrecognised. Ferguson is sometimes patronised as somebody armed with a hairdryer and a chequebook, his success largely down to his genius for man-management and motivation, yet he has always been something of a chalkboard addict.
He was one of the few British managers to employ a sweeper system before English football's Italia 90 epiphany, and in the days before squad rotation he was christened Tinkerbell by the fanzine Red Issue for his habit of making unexpected changes, such as the omission of Mark Hughes for crucial games against Nottingham Forest and West Ham in the unsuccessful title challenges of 1991-92 and 1994-95. In the credit column, his inspired decision to use Danny Wallace at centre-forward in the League Cup in 1990 led to a 6-2 win at Arsenal that was a significant rite of passage in the development of his first great United side.
Ferguson suffers from the weirdly simplistic British perception that the sharpest tactical minds are foreign – but maybe he shares an element of such thinking, because nothing gets his chalkboard dirtier than the magical mystery tour of European football. Once the competition peaks after Christmas, every game is a bespoke challenge that demands a bespoke solution, particularly away from home, and usually involving changes to the midfield and attack.
That was not the case in 1999-2000. United, empowered by the previous season's treble, seemed to have an omnipotence that rendered tactics almost irrelevant. Everyone knew the best front six: David Beckham, Paul Scholes, Roy Keane, Ryan Giggs, Dwight Yorke and Andy Cole. Then, in the quarter-finals, an unusually tame 0-0 draw at the Bernabéu – when the players, the manager or both were in awe of the name Real Madrid – was followed by a traumatic 3-2 defeat at home. Madrid had been in disarray before the tie, and although they won the Champions League that year they finished fifth in La Liga. The received wisdom is that Madrid had too much class and street wisdom for United in that second leg, best exemplified by Fernando Redondo's backheeled nutmeg on Henning Berg that led to the third goal, yet the tape shows that Redondo and the 18-year-old goalkeeper Iker Casillas had the games of their lives.
Madrid should also have had Aitor Karanka sent off for handball on the line when they were 1-0 up, while Keane – who had been on a one-man mission to win the European Cup after missing the previous season's final, and who was playing the best football of his career – scored an own goal and missed an open goal. In short, United were pretty unfortunate to lose an excellent game of football between two excellent teams.
Madrid might not quite have taught United a lesson, as many felt, but that does not mean United didn't learn anything. "This was the standard we had to aim for, world class," said Keane in his autobiography. "A number of features of Real's play struck me. The incredible first touch. The economy of movement, no daft running, every move purposeful. Raúl's cunning, waiting like a panther to pounce on any half-chance. And burying it when it came."
Ferguson decided United lost because he was too slow to react to Madrid's unprecedented 3-3-2-2 formation, with Redondo the only central midfielder. "If I had altered the team early to a 4-3-3 … I am sure we could have won handily," he said in his autobiography. "I know that, and could kick myself for delaying the change." The Real manager Vicente del Bosque, did it for him, referring witheringly to United's "tactical anarchy". Ferguson ensured nobody would make such accusations ever again.
Eighteen months earlier he had described a 3-3 draw with Barcelona as "the perfect football match – both teams trying to win with scant regard for the consequences. That's how football should be played." Now he saw the world through different eyes. "One of the forceful reminders delivered by that Madrid defeat was that consistent success in Europe would be more readily achieved if we improved our capacity to defend against the counterattack," he said. The most obvious way to do that is to ration your own attacks. With destruction intrinsically easier to control than creation, prioritising the former became irresistibly logical.
Yet logic was only part of the story. Ferguson said that Casillas's performance was "not normal at all" and that "just about everything that could possibly go wrong for us did so in spades, and we were left looking back on the match with the sense that Real were simply destined to progress". That he should change his entire approach based on such a freakish, inscrutable match is a fascinating insight into a man with an unshakeable courage of his convictions.
Since then United have been a different side in Europe and in big games domestically: whereas once they were swashbuckling and intrepid to the point of naivety, now they are worldly, cautious and always look under the sauce to see if it really is pasta. The change was intensified when Carlos Queiroz, a defensive influence for richer and poorer, joined as assistant manager in 2002.
The new approach took a long time to be successful: United could not even win multiple Champions League knockout ties, never mind multiple Champions Leagues, with only one victory between 2000 and 2006 inclusive. Ferguson also sacrificed a golden goose that was delivering a Premier League title every year. Some feel he had ultimate vindication with Champions League victory in 2008 and a run of three finals in four years; others say the potential of the treble team was not fulfilled because they played in a manner that was alien to them.
"Justifying the change of approach depends on how you view it," says John-Paul O'Neill, a contributor to Red Issue. "The aim of it all was of course to win the European Cup, which Ferguson has only managed once in 12 seasons since that Madrid tie. Would he have won it more without changing tack? The stats – one victory from four previous attempts (post-foreigner rule) – suggest he'd have been better off carrying on as he was. What's most disappointing about the change in the wake of the 3-2 defeat to Madrid, which was most pronounced from 2000-01 to 2005-06, is how a perceived overemphasis on attack (which to a large degree is what won us the trophy in 1999) can initiate a wholesale change of approach when it fails, whereas overemphasis on defence (Monaco 98, Madrid 2000, and plenty of times since) doesn't result in the system being scrapped when that fails to deliver time and time again."
The first significant change came with the signing of Juan Sebastián Verón in 2001. He was in the side the last time Ferguson named an unchanged team from one European match to the next – more than 11 years ago, against Deportivo La Coruña. The extent to which Ferguson tinkers, allied to the variables of form and injury, makes it hard to define his tactical approach by any given season. The Verón years, 2001-03, are often associated with the Argentina midfielder alongside Keane with Scholes playing behind Ruud van Nistelrooy, yet they only played that system in six out of 32 European games. Similarly, what was described as a 4-3-3-0, with Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney and Carlos Tevez forming a fluid forward line, is indelibly associated with the Champions League victory in 2007-08. Yet Ferguson only started one out of 13 European games that season with such a formation.
Ferguson's approach is perhaps best summed up by the XI for the final against Chelsea in 2008. It was the only time that team ever started together, a bespoke solution for a Champions League final. Owen Hargreaves was on the right-hand side of midfield in a loose 4-4-2 so that, if Chelsea's midfield got on top, he could tuck into the centre with Wayne Rooney moving to right wing. That is precisely what happened. Rooney has probably been the most important counter on Ferguson's tactics board, such is his selfless flexibility. In semi-finals and finals of the Champions League alone he has played left-wing, right-wing, in the hole and up front.
To Ferguson, the squareness of a peg and the roundness of a hole are in the eye of the beholder. Players are frequently used away from their regular position. Ronaldo often played as a centre-forward, for example – particularly away from home, most notably in 2008-09 when he scored from more than 40 yards in both the quarter- and semi-finals. Ferguson takes pride in telling the media they have no chance of predicting his team – between 2008 and 2011 he went 166 games in all competitions without naming an unchanged side – and he has no compunction about going against expectation or upsetting people. Ronaldo and Rooney have both been omitted from matches in the last 16, while the £30.75m Dimitar Berbatov started only five of 18 knockout games and did not even make the bench for the 2011 final. Ferguson also left the PFA Player of the Year Teddy Sheringham out of both games against Bayern Munich in the 2001 quarter-finals, and thought he could make a European central midfielder of Alan Smith.
He quickly shelved the Smith experiment, proof that he has never been afraid to change his mind. Park Ji-sung started zero European games in his first two seasons at Old Trafford; over the next five years he became a vital player, trusted implicitly because of his energy, tactical discipline and intelligent movement. He was regularly used to sit on full-backs such as Dani Alves and Maicon – or even, when United played Milan in 2009-10, to get tight on Andrea Pirlo. Park became not just a European specialist but a European big-game specialist: 15 of his 23 Champions League starts for United were in the knockout stages. Attackers are often picked for their defensive capabilities: Sheringham was included away against Bayern Munich in 1998 partially because of his height at defensive set-pieces (he scored a last-minute own goal from a Bayern set-piece, proof that even the best-laid plans can go wrong) and Phil Jones may play as a nominal right-winger in Madrid so that he can double up on Ronaldo. Jones may become Ferguson's new Park, the man trusted to do a precise aggressive-passive job in the biggest games.
It was not Park but the parking of the bus that drew most attention after Ferguson's most controversial selection, against Barcelona in the 2008 semi-final. Barcelona were unravelling towards the end of Frank Rijkaard's reign, yet United's ostensibly attacking 4-2-3-1 in the first leg at Camp Nou soon morphed into 9-0-1. They had 28% possession in that game and only three shots on target in the entire tie but went through 1-0 on aggregate after a stunning goal from Scholes. The debate endures as to whether such an approach was acceptable. "For the obvious reasons like Scholes's redemption, the atmosphere in the second leg, reaching the final – yes," says O'Neill. "For the embarrassing tactical approach in the away leg – not at all. It was a betrayal of everything United are supposed to represent, especially in Europe, and Barcelona weren't even a particularly strong side at that time. But for most it's justified as we got to the final."
United were similarly cautious on their last two trips to Madrid, without the same success. Both times they travelled during startling winning runs in the league – 11 in 2000, 10 in 2003 – yet played on the subservient side of meek. The teenage Ferguson had been seduced by Real's legendary 7-3 win over Eintracht Frankfurt at Hampden Park in 1960, a match he said "epitomised all the dreams of European football", and it almost felt as if he had sent his team out to face Puskas, Di Stéfano and Gento. This time United are on a run of 38 points in 14 league games.
Ferguson has recently admitted another mistake, that United were too negative in the title-deciding Manchester derby last April. That miserable performance may have stung him into change just as the Madrid game did all those years ago. A greater emphasis on attacking meant the signing of Robin van Persie and a more positive approach in big games this season, albeit with controlled rather than reckless aggression, that was particularly successful in 3-2 victories at Stamford Bridge and Eastlands. He has also played around with a diamond midfield in some European games, a reminder that an old don can learn new tricks.
"It's hard to predict whether he will go for it in Madrid," says O'Neill. "On occasions this season – in the wake of last April's tactical surrender at Eastlands – it has seemed like Fergie's rediscovered his cojones when it comes to picking an offensive line-up in big games. We'll find out for sure in Madrid." One thing is already sure: Ferguson will have a plan. He always does.
Manchester UnitedSir Alex FergusonChampions LeagueReal MadridFootball tacticsRob Smythguardian.co.uk © 2013 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
February 10, 2013
Manchester United v Everton – as it happened | Rob Smyth
United went 12 points clear thanks to an unyielding defensive performance and goals from Ryan Giggs and Robin Van Persie
Rob SmythFebruary 9, 2013
New Zealand v England – first T20 as it happened | Rob Smyth
England's batsmen posted a record total of 214, with 15 sixes, to set up an impressive 40-run victory in Auckland
Preamble Hello. The plan was to write an award-winning introduction; something so elegant, witty and downright rad that it would induce an epiphany in approximately 99.94 per cent of readers. Sadly we are having significant technical problems – a joy at the best of times, never mind 5.27am on a Saturday morning – so I have my grump on. Hopefully things will be fine for the start of the game, the first of three in this T20 series.
New Zealand have won the toss and will bowl first Brendon McCullum says they fancy chasing on a ground with unusually short straight boundaries. "I think there'll be some runs scored today," says Stuart Broad. Hamish Rutherford, the son of the brilliant Ken, makes his international debut and Ross Taylor returns to the side.
New Zealand Guptill, Rutherford, B McCullum (c/wk), Taylor, Munro, Franklin, N McCullum, Ellis, Hira, Boult, McClenaghan.
England Hales, Lumb, Wright, Morgan, Buttler (wk), Bairstow, Patel, Broad (c), Tredwell, Finn, Dernbach.
The first email of the day, and possibly the last "Insomia," writes Thomas. "Morning. Is Dernbach in the last chance saloon at the bottom of the World?" I don't think so; his T20 record is pretty decent. It's in ODIs that he has struggled. This isn't a great day to be a fast bowler, though: the pitch looks a belter and I reckon even I might be able to clear some of these boundaries.
The great British break-up CD So, I have to make a mixtape for a friend who has recently broken up with her man. What are the rules for break-up mixtapes? I have not a solitary clue. Normally mixtapes are easy. If it's a friend you just put really good songs on there; and if it's someone you fancy you include a load of Barry White, supplemented by MP3s of you breathing and grunting. But what about break-up CDs? Should you put sad songs? Happy songs? Pretend-it-never-happened songs? Eighteen different covers of Hallelujah? Perhaps I could just put Cry Me A River on 18 times.
1st over: England 6-0 (Lumb 2, Hales 4) The left-arm seamer Mitchell McClenagahan, who had a fine tour of South Africa recently, opens the bowling. It's a good first over, and boundaryless. We won't say that of many overs today. In fact it might be more instructive to denote boundaryless overs rather than maidens.
2nd over: England 19-0 (Lumb 2, Hales 12) Trent Boult, another left-armer, disappears for 13 from his first over. His first ball swings down the leg side for five wides, and then Hales clouts an enormous six over midwicket. I love the smell of bish-bosh in the morning.
"You have to include The Divine Comedy's The Frog Princess," says John Dalby, "which includes the rather enjoyable lyric 'But how was I to know that just one kiss, would turn my frog into a cow'." It might be too early for the Divine Comedy. Surely they are the perfect band for stages three or four of breaking up, where you move seamlessly from crying 23 hours a day to treating life's vicissitudes with a wry smile. A sideways glance at abject misery.
3rd over: England 25-0 (Lumb 3, Hales 17) Hales, who has been so impressive in his first 18 months as an international player, drives McClenaghan sweetly through the covers for four. This could, maybe should, be a 200 pitch.
"You can't win with the mixtape: you have no way of knowing which songs were the soundtrack to your friend's failed relationship," says Chris Bourne. "Del Amitri's 'Don't Come Home Too Soon' is a must though, even if it was supposed to encourage the Scottish 1998 World Cup fiasco." I suppose a Venn diagram of heartbreak and Scottish football makes sense, given that Scotland at the World Cup is the greatest love story ever told, a fraction ahead of Dawson and Joey.
WICKET! England 29-1 (Hales st B McCullum b Hira 21) The left-arm spinner Ronnie Hira strikes with his fourth ball. Hales had blootered him down the ground for four off the previous ball; Hira's response was to toss one up almost 10mph slower and tempt Hales down the track. He was gated as he wafted to leg, and McCullum completed the stumping down the leg side. Excellent bowling.
4th over: England 30-1 (Lumb 3, Wright 1) Just five from Hira's first over.
5th over: England 41-1 (Lumb 3, Wright 12) These straight boundaries are so short, barely 65 metres, and Wright splatters Boult back over his head for a one-bounce four. Two balls later he heaves his first six to cow corner. Remember when every six in international cricket was worthy of at least one exclamation mark; sometimes two; maybe even 12 if you were wired on raw Berocca? Now they verge on the mundane.
"Ah, the word mixtape, resonant of a certain generation," says my colleague Steve Busfield. "Loved them myself. I think the modern phrase is playlist. Although also being of the mixtape generation, I'm not certain of that. I once put Fairground Attraction's Perfect on a break-up mixtape. The girl in question wasn't impressed."
6th over: England 62-1 (Lumb 13, Wright 23) Wright hits Hira for 10 in two balls, a sweet driven six over extra cover followed by a mow down the ground. Lumb continues a productive over – 21 from it – by pinging his first boundary over square leg and then chipping an almost lazy straight six. It's an orgy of boundaries. Did someone say orgy?
"Surely the concept of the break up mix tape should be a "journey" from the lowlands of despair," says Michael Davidson, "gently rising up the hill of hope before reaching a mountain summit of reintegration with the dating market." That's a great idea. So, 16 covers of Hallelujah, a jaunty three-minute pop song and I Wanna Sexx You Up by Color Me Badd to finish off?
7th over: England 71-1 (Lumb 14, Wright 31) The Wily Nathan McCullum – to give him his full name – comes into the attack. He sees Wright coming and spears one down the leg side, so Wright sticks out his left leg like a centre-back to block the ball. That was a nice bit of cricket, bringing smiles from both players. The next ball is mangled down the ground for six – and then Wright is dropped at extra cover, a sharp diving chance after he toe-ends a wide, low full toss.
"May I suggest 'Taking My Business Elsewhere' by Richard Thompson," says Phil Withall. "Real tear inducer. In fact about 40% of his solo stuff would work. I feel glum now." You're welcome!
WICKET! England 89-2 (Wright c Hira b Ellis 42) The right-arm seamer Andrew Ellis assumes the position. I'd rather walk into a working men's club in Yorkshire in the 1970s wearing a Onesie and handing out 'smoking kills' leaflets than be a bowler on this pitch. Lumb smacks another straight six, and then he is dropped by Reintegration's Ross Taylor at deep midwicket! That was a pretty straightforward chance, running in from the boundary, but he misjudged the flight of the ball and put it down. The resulting single brings Wright on strike; he top-edges four over the keeper's head, drives another six and then clobbers Ellis flat and hard to Ronnie Hira at cow corner. He doesn't have to move and takes the catch calmly. I can't keep up with all this, it's ridiculous. Wright made a cracking 42 from 20 balls.
8th over: England 89-2 (Lumb 21, Morgan 0) Ellis's first over was a tedious over that included 18 runs, two sixes, a dropped catch and a wicket.
WICKET! England 91-3 (Lumb c Rutherford b McClenaghan 22) Lumb tries to whirl-pull McClenaghan over short fine leg but gloves it straight to the debutant Rutherford on the edge of the circle. Lumb played pretty well for his 22 – he only faced 15 balls out of 52 in the innings, with a strike rate just shy of 150.
9th over: England 95-3 (Morgan 1, Bairstow 4) England have held Jos Buttler back, with Jonny Bairstow. It's good to see a flexible batting order, although ultimately it won't change the fact that we're all going to die one day. Bairstow pulls his second ball for four with the absent-minded ease of a man tweezering some hair from his snout.
"I think the trick with a break up mix is to go sad but hopeful," says Anna Bishop. "The First Days of Spring by Noah and the Whale was a big winner the last time I made a break-up mixtape, also Indestructible by Robyn."
10th over: England 109-3 (Morgan 15, Bairstow 4) There's no mid-off for the new bowler James Franklin, so Morgan eases consecutive deliveries through that area for four. There's a mid-off now, and he may have a twinge in his neck because he has just watched Morgan drive an effortless straight six to end the over. England's highest T20 score is 202; they should beat that today.
"Song 1: I am a rock, Simon and Garfunkle," says Felix Wood. "Song 2: Mr Brightside, The Killers. Song 3: I Don't Like Cricket. Song 4: Geoffrey Boycott's podcast. Song 5: a recording of Test Match Special from the Lord's test from the Ashes 2005, to show that however bad things may be things can get better. If she's still miserable after that she's just being self indulgent."
11th over: England 118-3 (Morgan 16, Bairstow 12) There's another six – yawn – with Bairstow swiping Nathan McCullum down the ground. Nine from the over.
"Sadly partial to the Shrek version of Hallelujah," says Steve Busfield. "The joys of parenthood." There are some wonderful covers, but I don't think any are as good as the original by Leona Lewis.
12th over: England 133-3 (Morgan 18, Bairstow 23) Is this even cricket? Ellis's second over has just disappeared for 15. Bairstow pulls six round the corner, flat and over the ropes faster than you can say "I REMEMBER WHEN A SIX IN INTERNATIONAL CRICKET WAS ALMOST A JFK MOMENT, YEAH?", inside edges just past leg stump for four and is then dropped by Hira at deep square leg. It was a difficult chance diving forward, although in modern cricket they are often taken.
13th over: England 144-3 (Morgan 26, Bairstow 27) McClenaghan has been impressive today. He's a strapping chap who hits the pitch really hard. He looked like he was going to end his spell as he started it, with a boundaryless over, but then Morgan fast-handed a devastating six over backward square leg. McClenaghan nonetheless ends with good figures of 4-0-29-1.
"A good song to make the bridge from the sad, your-life-is-effectively-over stage to the hopeful, maybe-it'll-turn-out-alright stage would be Dry Your Eyes by the Streets," says John Dalby. "And I'll see your Colour Me Badd and raise you a Mousse T, Horny as a final get-out-there-and-sow track." Have the Streets covered Hallelujah? Or Mousse T? Halle-lujah, halle-halle-lujah tonight. Maybe not.
14th over: England 153-3 (Morgan 33, Bairstow 29) Hira drifts onto Morgan's pads and is touched fine for four. That brings up the 150 in the 14th over. Imagine if you said that to a cricket fan 25 years ago. Morgan gets away with one later in the over, slicing Hira high in the air and bisecting three fielders.
"Leona Lewis?" sniffs Martin McCabe. "Tut tut. Alexandra Burke dear boy. That's just alienated your X Factor fan insomniac/early riser/satellite free niche."
15th over: England 166-3 (Morgan 45, Bairstow 30) An appalling dropped catch from McClenaghan at short third man. Actually it wasn't even that, because he failed to lay hands on a routine chance when Morgan edged Nathan McCullum. He might have lost it in the evening sun. That ball ran away for four and the next, a full toss, was pulled for a huge six. Morgan has 45 from 22 balls.
"Saw some Dernbach slower-ball excellence in the recent warm up & it reminded me of this absolute gem," says Giles Page. That's one of the great slower balls. What's your favourite ever slower ball? I'm a fan of Shoaib Akhtar's in 2005.
WICKET! England 172-4 (Morgan c Taylor b Hira 46) Ross Taylor takes a catch at the third attempt, with Morgan slicing Hira straight to him in the covers. Morgan twinkled with brilliance to make 46 from 26 balls, and here comes the thrillingly talented Jos Buttler.
16th over: England 173-4 (Bairstow 36, Buttler 0) "Mixtape," says Richard Gee. "It's all about the gear change. Take them to rock bottom and then come in with a banger. 1. Exit Music - Radiohead; 2. Broken Heart - Spiritulized; 3. Ignition - R Kelly." Arf! Exit Music never fails to do its job.
17th over: England 191-4 (Bairstow 36, Buttler 17) Buttler, like so many cricketers of the 20th century, gets off the mark by heaving his second ball down the ground for six. He drives McCullum down the ground for six more next ball – he didn't middle either of those sixes – and then pings a wonderful one-bounce four over extra cover. Buttler is 17 not out. From five balls. With a strike rate of 340. He's been at the crease three minutes.
WICKET! England 194-5 (Bairstow c Guptill b Boult 38) Bairstow slaps a short ball from Boult straight to long on. He played really well to make 38 from 22 balls.
18th over: England 195-5 (Buttler 18, Patel 1) A fine over from Boult; only four from it. "You're probably scraping the barrel for emails right now," says Matthew Jones. "And this will be no exception. But can you give a shout out to our beloved and ridiculous ginger tomcat who has amazingly just returned home after being missing a week. His name is Tomos, he's Welsh, and as lazy as Inzamam-ul-Haq between the wickets." Yep. I'm so desperate I'll publish anything. Hi Tomos, beloved and ridiculous ginger tomcat!
WICKET! England 197-6 (Patel c B McCullum b Ellis 1) Patel slogs Ellis miles in the air. Brendon McCullum does the necessary. England need to get and keep Buttler on strike.
19th over: England 202-6 (Buttler 22, Broad 4) Broad drives Ellis towards long-on, where Franklin runs round, takes the catch – and then drops the ball before kicking it for four in his follow through. He had another man in support and I think he was trying to lob the ball up for him. Anyway.
"How could I forget!" says Robin Hazlehurst. "The perfect song for so many occasions, but especially for encouraging someone to feel good about themselves: it's 'Live it Up' by Mental as Anything. It also subtly implies that you might be available to hit on your friend if it would help her. Which may or not be the effect you're looking for." My nickname isn't 'Selfless' for nothing.
WICKET! England 203-7 (Broad c B McCullum b Boult 4) Broad top-edges a pull stroke and is caught by the keeper McCullum, running back towards the boundary. This is now England's highest ever T20 score, although it might not be enough.
20th over: England 214-7 (Buttler 32, Tredwell 0) Buttler slaughters a short ball from Boult over midwicket for his third six. That was scarily effortless. The last ball of the innings is a front-foot no-ball that Buttler drives brilliantly for four. So England have a free hit to finish the innings – and Buttler is bowled by an excellent yorker. So he ends on 32 not out from 16 balls, despite being bowled by the last ball of the innings. Work that one out. More importantly, England have set New Zealand a formidable but far from insurmountable target of 215. See you in 10 minutes for what should be a cracking run-chase.
INNINGS BREAK
There was a short interview with Eoin Morgan at the end of the innings; he said New Zealand were too full and that England need to bowl back of a length with variations. That does make sense, although you could probably clear that straight boundary with cross-bat shots as well.
1st over: New Zealand 13-0 (target: 215; Rutherford 10, Guptill 3) This is a difficult challenge for the debutant Rutherford. Conditions are perfect, it's true, but he can't afford even a single over to adjust to international cricket; he has to go straight away. He clips his second ball from Finn crisply through midwicket for four. Finn also kicks the stumps during that delivery; any future instances will be called dead ball. The next ball is clattered just wide of mid off for four more, and that's an excellent first over for New Zealand.
"This is the riff I've been waiting for all the history of OBO," says Dave Voss. "I remember the best mixtape I ever made in about 1996. It's all about keeping them guessing – this one kicked off with the Fun Lovin' Criminal by FLC, then Floyd the Barber by nirvana, then What's Next to the Moon by AC/DC. It had some James and a song off the From Dusk Til Dawn soundtrack on it. I remember spending ages getting the gap between the songs just right. And the saddest thing is that I made it for myself. No-one else ever heard it. I even made a sleeve for it." That's the most heartbreaking thing I've ever heard, with the possible exception of "it's not me, it's you". I particularly like the way you say "about 1996". You still know the exact date it was made, don't you.
2nd over: New Zealand 18-0 (target: 215; Rutherford 11, Guptill 5) When If New Zealand win this, it will be a record runchase in T20 internationals. The captain Stuart Broad starts with an excellent over that costs only five.
"I find Hallelujah's imagery quite baffling," writes Jonathan Wilson. "I know I know nowt about music, but it seems to start off with references to the David and Bathsheba story secret chord, seeing her bathing, beauty in the moonlight etc, and then that morphs into Samson with the haircutting. Yet Samnon never had a throne to break. David did – and his son was killed as some kind of retribution – which could be seen as breaking of the throne if 'throne' is regarded as a metonym for 'royal line'. Not that there's anything wrong with ambiguity of imagery or making reader/listener do the work, but perhaps shows that the version e know is a fraction of the 80-odd verses Cohen originally wrote."
3rd over: New Zealand 25-0 (target: 215; Rutherford 11, Guptill 12) A good over from Dernbach – three from the first five balls – is tarnished when Guptill muscles a boundary to third man. New Zealand have 25 from three overs and it feels like they haven't got started.
"Did you catch the chap on Mastermind last night who had the Ashes since 1981 as his specialist subject?" says Brian Cloughley. "He knew his stuff (two wrong answers I think), but he was relentlessly, spectacularly miserable. Coincidence?" Andy Bull was on Mastermind? Honk! Ho-honk! Come on, honk with me now. Seriously though, what a great idea. If you really wanted to concentrate that misery you could have Ashes 1989-2003. The answers would be, in order: Steve Waugh, 29, Usman Afzaal, Steve Waugh, Steve Waugh, Handled the Ball, Steve Waugh, 118 and Steve Waugh.
WICKET! New Zealand 31-1 (Rutherford c Tredwell b Broad 18) Rutherford swings Broad back over his head for six – but he falls next ball, clunking a pull straight to midwicket. That's good bowling from Broad, a sharp short ball that was on Rutherford really quickly.
4th over: New Zealand 38-1 (target: 215; Guptill 13, McCullum 5) The new batsman is the brilliant Brendon McCullum. If he is batting in 15 overs' time, New Zealand will surely win this game. He swivel-pulls his first ball imperiously for four.
WICKET! New Zealand 46-2 (B McCullum c Morgan b Finn 10) Eoin Morgan takes a wonderful running catch to get rid of the dangerman Brendon McCullum. He sliced Finn miles in the air, crazily high in the air, and Morgan ran 30 yards from backward point towards the boundary before judging the catch beautifully. Even Morgan, normally so inscrutable, is thrilled with that. He made a fiendishly difficult chance look routine.
5th over: New Zealand 46-2 (target: 215; Guptill 15, Taylor 0) The returning Ross Taylor gets a wonderful ovation as he walks to the crease. "Can't remember the specific date but it was in October 1996," says Dave Voss. "I used the copy of the fun lovin criminal from the cover CD on that month's Maxim which I felt all grown up by buying. General mixtape strategy is about mixing established popular songs with completely unheard of album songs in about a 2:1 ratio. And getting the gaps between songs right. And ensuring that the tape finishes within 10 seconds of the last song on both sides. Bloody hell Smyth what have you done to me? I thought I'd left all this behind." You can never leave loneliness behind. You can just postpone it for a bit.
6th over: New Zealand 54-2 (target: 215; Guptill 17, Taylor 6) Dernbach beats Taylor with a fine delivery, just short of a length outside off stump, and then Taylor gets his first boundary with a withering slap over point. Eight from the over.
"Here's another problem," says John Starbuck. "I'm going to my niece's 40th birthday party next weekend and she's asked for fancy dress on an Alice In Wonderland theme so, since I have the figure for it, I'm going as the King of Hearts and will be trying on a Henry VIII costume as the nearest thing. My dilemma is that I've worn a beard since I was twenty and the standard playing-card version of the King of Hearts has a beard but no moustache. Do I break the habit of a lifetime and shave it off?" Never compromise. Never.
7th over: New Zealand 64-2 (target: 215; Guptill 24, Taylor 9) A beautiful shot from Guptill, who drives the new bowler Luke Wright back over his head for six. Wright didn't even bother looking at the ball; he knew straight away it was six.
8th over: New Zealand 71-2 (target: 215; Guptill 25, Taylor 12) Samit Patel starts with consecutive leg-side wides. All's well that ends well, though: there are no boundaries from the over, and a total of seven runs will suit England. New Zealand need precisely 12 an over.
WICKET! New Zealand 77-3 (Taylor c Bairstow b Finn 13) Another big wicket for England. Taylor couldn't really get going, making 13 from 14 balls, and the pressure told when he dragged Finn straight to Bairstow on the fence at cow corner. He judged a shoulder-high catch nicely.
9th over: New Zealand 77-3 (target: 215; Guptill 30, Munro 0) New Zealand need 138 from 66 balls.
10th over: New Zealand 88-3 (target: 215; Guptill 38, Munro 3) The dangerous Guptill slog-sweeps Patel for a big six over midwicket. You could legitimately describe that as a "lusty blow", a phrase that isn't used nearly enough in cricket these days. New Zealand are just about still in this game; they need 127 from 60 balls.
11th over: New Zealand 96-3 (target: 215; Guptill 38, Munro 11) Great stuff from Wright, who bowls four consecutive dot balls – four – to Colin Munro, although Munro drags the over back a little by blasting the final ball over midwicket for sixl
12th over: New Zealand 104-3 (target: 215; Guptill 44, Munro 13) Guptill sweeps the new bowler Tredwell expertly for four to bring up the hundred. Only eight from the over, however, which isn't enough. The fat lady has a lozenge.
"I agree that the mix tape needs to start off low and build up to a more positive future. First you have to accept the fact of the break-up and American Hi-Fi's Breakup song helps in this regard," says John Stainton. "It also covers the delicate issue of how to ask for your records/CDs back – be direct and blunt but polite "One more thing before you go would you please give me my records back, My Bloody Valentine, The Pixies, Cheap Trick and Back In Black" I guess the AC/DC album not Amy Winehouse. As you work through you might recognise that mistakes were made and so 'You Just Haven't earned it yet baby' by The Smiths (although Kirsty MacColl's cover is perfectly acceptable). Then we are into the looking forward stage where Jimmy Cliff's 'The harder they come the harder they fall' is as uplifting a song as it is possible to get – you almost want to be miserable and downtrodden so you can sing along with more feeling. The last two uplifting songs have to be from Ian McNabb's awesome (literally) Head Like a Rock album, first 'You must be prepared to dream' and then 'This time is Forever'."
WICKET! New Zealand 111-4 (Guptill c Broad b Wright 44) Guptill blitzes a very full delivery from Wright straight to Broad on the edge of the circle at mid-off, and he manages to smother the ball in his body. Guptill played well to make 44 from 32 balls; his departure probably means the game is up for New Zealand.
13th over: New Zealand 111-4 (target: 215; Munro 20, Franklin 0) Earlier in the over, England thought Munro had inside-edged a low full toss onto his foot, from where the ball looped up for Wright to take a fine catch in his follow through. The third umpire looked at for a long time before deciding it was not out; one replay angle suggested the ball definitely hit the floor.
"Just scrolled through the first innings and watched the Shoaib slower ball selection," says James Butler. "Just after he gets a moustachioed Bell (that must have taken at least a year to grow) you can see the crowd throwing a man in chinos in the air in celebration. You see it again as they replay the dismissal. It's a sight to gladden the heart of even the most broken hearted of cricket fans." Ha, that's a great spot.
14th over: New Zealand 127-4 (target: 215; Munro 28, Franklin 8) For the second time today, a batsman gets off the mark by hitting his second ball for six. This time it was James Franklin, who lifted Tredwell almost gently over long-on, and Munro added another six off the final ball of the over by clouting a full toss back whence it came. New Zealand need 88 from 37 balls; the fact they have an outside chance shows that cricket and the world have gone doolally.
WICKET! New Zealand 127-5 (Franklin c Buttler b Broad 8) Stuart Broad strikes with the first ball of a new spell. Franklin made room, Broad followed him with a short ball and Franklin top-edged it through to Buttler. That's good bowling.
WICKET! New Zealand 128-6 (Munro b Broad 28) Stuart Broad continues a matchwinning over, cleaning Munro up with a superb slower ball. Start the car! (Mind you, given the time of these games and the fact we're covering it from home, 'fill the hot water bottle!' might be more appropriate.)
15th over: New Zealand 130-6 (target: 215; N McCullum 1, Ellis 1) England are behind on the clock, so Broad is running back to his mark between deliveries. New Zealand need 85 from 33 balls. Good. Luck. With. That. Yeah? In other news, here's Broad talking about his admiration (sic) for Sienna Miller. That's a euphemism I'll be passing off as my own in future.
"This riff is so good it's almost wasted on a T20," says Guy Hornsby. It would've been perfect for Adelaide '06. I used to make mixtapes every month at university. I'd like to pretend they were shatteringly bleak and cool but it was 1995 so there was probably as much Menswear as Jeff Buckley. You'd have to have Blur's No Distance Left To Run, James' Come Home and then hit them with Joe Dolce's Shaddapaya Face. Instant tear-jerker." Being Brave by Menswear! That's going straight on, to add a bit of levity between Hallelujah and, well, Hallelujah.
WICKET! New Zealand 134-7 (N McCullum ct Buttler b Wright 1) Fire up the electric blanket! This game is over. Nathan McCullum slogs Wright a million miles in the air, and Buttler calmly takes the catch. That wasn't easy because it took a few seconds to come down.
16th over: New Zealand 135-7 (target: 215; Ellis 4, Hira 0) Luke Wright, who is a prime contender for Man of the Match, finishes with excellent figures of 4-0-29-2. He has never played better for England than in the last few months.
WICKET! England 135-8 (Ellis c Wright b Finn 4) Ellis slices a slower short ball from Finn to Luke Wright, who backpedals from short third man to take the catch.
17th over: New Zealand 147-8 (need snookers; Hira 11, Boult 1) Hira cuts Finn for six. The point sweeper Root tried to catch the ball and throw it up before he fell over the boundary, but his back foot was on the rope. "An appropriate song for both the newly single and the New Zealanders batting here could be 'Don't Dream (It's Over)' by local boys Crowded House," says Robin Hazlehurst.
18th over: New Zealand 155-8 Dernbach, who has quietly had a good day, is a little unfortunate when Hira edges a big drive for four. It's almost over now.
"An I'm-so-over-you song to drop in," says James Maltby. "McAlmont & Butler - Yes," Probably a rare example of a song so camp it's almost glamp, but the message is all there... For when he comes crawling back: 'So you want to know me now - how I've been; Am i looking better - have you forgot /whatever it was that you couldn't stand about me...; Yes I do feel better - I feel alright. I feel well enough to tell you what you can do can do with what you've got.." I'm surprised nobody has mentioned Better Do Better by Hard-Fi, or the daddy of break-up songs: The Rat by The Walkmen.
WICKET! New Zealand 156-9 (Boult c Patel b Broad 4) Broad gets his fourth wicket when Boult slaps a short ball straight up in the air. Broad has bowled superbly today.
19th over: New Zealand 159-9 It's a Motherfucker by Eels? In other news, Broad ends with figures of 4-0-23-4. On this ground that is an outstanding performance. "Morning Rob!" says Ravi Nair. "Eff-off songs incomplete without Bob Dylan: 'It ain't me babe.'
20th over: New Zealand 174-9. ENGLAND WIN BY 40 RUNS! McClenaghan laps Dernbach for four, and the response is an accidental beamer that goes through Buttler for four. Dernbach apologises straight away, and the two have a friendly chat as they walk off the field at the end. That was an excellent, smart performance from England in unusual conditions. See you for the second match on Tuesday. I'll leave you with one last mixtape email.
"Being something of a mix tape purist I'm a little dismayed that people think it is alright to put more than one song by any artist on there," writes Rob Gordon Michael Lawton. "One song per band I reckon. The caveat being that if it were on a 90 minute tape then you can have one on each side at a pinch, though this probably says something abut the paucity of your music source. anyway If you're going with one by the National then I recommend Abel so she can scream along to the line 'my mind's not right' when getting ready to go out / whilst jogging or on the bus etc."
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