Nancy Wilson's Blog, page 44

Envy Kills

Yesterday my husband finished preaching through 1 Samuel, and we came to the close of the book as well as the close of Saul's life and reign. The final conclusion was an exhortation to us all regarding envy. James says that our spirits veer toward envy. And if you think about it for a minute, you have to agree. Our spirits naturally go there. And if we think we are free from envy, it may be because we know others envy us. There really are no exemptions. It affects all of us some way or other.

Envy is a deadly sin. It destroys households and friendships and marriages. Saul envied David. That envy didn't destroy David, but it did destroy Saul in the end. When we nurse envy, we are nursing a viper. When we tolerate envy, we are giving it a hand in our own self-destruction.

Envy, like all sin, doesn't make sense. So rather than trying to understand it, we should simply repent of it. Envy is a universal sin. It is not whether we will envy, but what we will envy. It is sneaky. It creeps in easily.

We can't reason with envy because it is unreasonable. The only thing we can do with envy is crucify it, and we can't even do that. But we can take it to the Cross where Jesus dealt with envy once and for all. We can't crucify our own envy, but if we are in Christ, He crucified it for us. And that is good news!

Wise Hearts

Kicking the anger can a little further down the road, I thought I'd write something about where this anger comes from in the first place. I doubt any of us gets up in the morning hoping to get angry at someone, especially someone near and dear to us.

The Bible is very clear about where our words come from: they come straight up from our hearts. So if something nasty comes out of our mouths, then our hearts have got some nastiness in them. No way to dodge this. In Matthew 12:4, Jesus says, "O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." And again in Luke 6:45, "A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil; for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh."

Now how can a sweet Christian woman get angry and say "evil" things to her children? Does that mean she has "evil" in her heart? Unfortunately, that's what it means. We all have evil in our hearts. No one is good. So we all need gospel grace day in and day out.

Here are a couple of suggestions  Think about when you are most likely to be tempted to be angry. Is it when the kids first get up in the morning? Then pray before you go to bed that you will be full of goodness and light at the breakfast table. Is it during nap time? Then pray ahead of time that you will not get angry during nap time. Expect to be tested, and be prepared. When you put the kids down for their naps, then pray, asking God to help you be obedient to Him, cheerfully correcting the children if they need it. It is entirely possible to correct with a mouth of goodness. So I'm recommending what I call preventative prayer.

But what about the times when you are blindsided? You were going along merrily and wham! you got hit by the unexpected and reacted badly. If this happens regularly, then ask God to open your eyes so you don't have a blind side. Pray for a warning sign so you see it coming. Then expect a test and be ready for it.

If you have ongoing anger toward one person in particular, then it's likely there may be some unconfessed bitterness and resentment toward that person, big or little, young or old. We get resentful over some of the dumbest things. Deal with the bitterness that is lodging in your heart. It's poisoning everything! It feeds anger and needs anger.

Don't take your children's misbehavior personally. Don't get into an adversarial relationship with your children. You are the mother; you are in authority over them. Don't get your feelings hurt when they don't listen or when they disobey. They are children! That's what children do!

If we want wise tongues, we need wise hearts. Here are a few ways to get there.

1. Don't be wise in your own eyes (Prov. 3:7). You may be wrong, incorrect, mistaken. Admit it.

2. Heed God's Word. When you hear it or read it, do it. Apply it. (Prov. 16:20).

3. Be teachable (Prov. 10:8). Don't assume you have nothing to learn.

4. Receive correction yourself (Prov. 10:17). Even when you don't like the way the correction comes.

5. Seek knowledge and store it up (Prov. 15:14 and 10:14).

6. Let your heart be taught first, and it will teach your mouth (Prov. 16:23).

7. Don't fake love (Prov. 10:18). Ask God for supernatural love; don't rely on your own supply of human, fallible love.

8. Don't talk too much. Weigh your words! (Prov. 10:19)

9. Feed people (build them up) with your mouth, and you will be fed yourself (Prov. 13:2).

10. Guard your mouth (Prov. 13:3). Pray with the psalmist: "Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth, and keep the door of my lips." Psalm 141:3

God Scatters Pardons

This morning's sermon included a quote from Thomas Watson: God scatters pardons. It almost makes me want to add willy nilly.

It's true. God is lavish with His mercy toward us! He is the ultimate Gift-Giver, and His central gift to us is His unbounded mercy. What a lovely thought for the week. As we begin another week, built on the foundation of worship, let us all contemplate His mercies. When we wake up, when we go about our duties, when we sit down at the table, when we finish the day and lie down to sleep. Mercies crowd us on every side.

When we recognize God's mercies, we can only respond with gratitude. And if our eyes are at all open to even a fraction of these mercies, we will be busy being grateful all day long. Imagine the consequences of such a day, busy with gratitude.

And when we overflow with gratitude to our good and gracious and gift-giving God, it follows that we will extend that grace and mercy to others — lavishly. We can do nothing else.

Masking Anger as Justice

My husband just preached on anger this last Sunday, so it's been a topic of conversation around our house lately. And since it seems to be a bit of a topic in the comment sections here, I thought I'd weigh in with two small cents . . . on anger as it seems to manifest itself in wives and mothers.

Let's just say (hypothetically of course) that you have just completely lost the bubble with your children. (That would never happen, right?) You got tweaked all the way out because they were being loud and rambunctious and they woke up the baby. And, (this is the vitally important part), you TOLD them not to be loud or they'd wake up the baby. You said it plainly and in English, and now they've gone and done it. This is clearly a flagrant disregard of your authority, of God's law, of the ten commandments, of all the laws of nature, of house rules, of all human decency, and now you're not going to have your calm moment to sit down and sip your tea and look at Pinterest. Or fold your laundry. Or get caught up on your email. Clearly (you tell yourself) you need to show the children the full weight of their offense. What better way to do this, than to pack all the punch you can into your frown, ramp up the tone of voice, raise the level of sarcasm to previously unscaled heights, and grab them (too tightly) by the shoulder and frog march them to the bathroom? All of this, you reason, is to show them how badly they have offended God – you are clearly obligated to show them how grievously they have transgressed.

If you don't have a baby, then change the above scenario to the one where your daughter used up more minutes on her phone than she was allotted, or sent more texts than she was supposed to, or didn't get her chores done. You draw yourself up, put your hands on your hips, and commence an outraged speech, littered with tasteful phrases like, "Why can't you ever LISTEN TO ME???!!!"

You know how this goes, right? You tell yourself that you are training up your children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, showing them right from wrong. That you have a zeal for righteousness. That they need to understand the weight of judgement in order to comprehend the righteousness of God's standards.

However, follow me closely here, you actually aren't doing anything of the sort. You're being a big stinker. Of all the pills in the house, you're being the worst. In this little scenario, the prize for bad behavior goes to mom, with the loud children and phone offender coming in a distant second.

Now, am I saying that disobedience should be ignored? That we should forgo teaching our children to be righteous? Obviously not. I'm just saying that when you flip out at them and really haul up your slacks with outraged tirades, you're actually only showing them that disobedience to God is something that is perfectly ok with you. Long story short, you're teaching them hypocrisy. You get to ignore God's rules whenever they don't line up with your mood . . . so why shouldn't your children be allowed that same privilege?

Here's the trick. The wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. If you are an angry parent, you will not produce righteousness in your children . . . even if all your anger is directed at sin. The wrath of man DOES NOT produce the righteousness of God. Tattoo it upon your paddle. Write it on the doorposts of your bathroom.

Or how about this one? Proverbs says, "Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man." You're not supposed to even be friends with an angry man . . . so what exactly are your kids supposed to do if you're an angry mom? How do they obey that proverb? We like to pretend that our anger is righteous, and that we're in this for justice and truth. But as a matter of fact we're just being selfish little punks when we lose our temper at our children.

We have been saved from the wrath of God through Christ. This means that the full weight of God's wrath has been turned from us. Are we going to be like the unfaithful servant who, after being forgiven much went out and choked his fellow servant for a piddly little sum? You've been saved from God's wrath . . . why would you feel like you need to pour the burning brimstone of your wrath out on your kids?

If you're an angry mom, confess it. Stop pretending it's justice. Stop pretending that you're on a crusade for righteousness. Call it what it is, and confess your sin. Confess it to God, then confess it to your kids, and then confess it to anyone else that witnessed it. The confession should be as public as the sin was. And if you find that you're shrieking at your kids all the time with very little apparent provocation, dig a little deeper and see if you actually have some anger issues with someone besides them. Are you mad at your husband over something? Are you angry at your parents? Are you angry at God for your situation in life? Do you feel wronged by someone from your past or present? If you're hanging on to that and nursing it along in your heart, then your kids will be the unlucky recipients as you sub-consciously re-direct your pent up wrath. And even if you pretend that it's justice, your kids will see right through it.

Stingy out gets stingy in.

Well, Happy New Year! With the resurfacing of my old milkshake post came the reminder to me that I had promised a little more on the topic. Well, here I am, a whole year later, trying to do just that.

It does seem that every mother has energy, joy, and fulfillment sometimes, but consistently having these things can challenge us beyond what we feel is a reasonable amount. Joy all day? Every day? Even if Daddy is out of town, or when the whole family has the stomach flu, or when the pre-dinner warp spasm is upon the children? How can we maintain a cheerful, calm, happy, giving attitude when we certainly don't feel like it? Well, here are a few thoughts, incomplete though they be, that may help us  get a little perspective.

1) Perspective is the key word. I mean big-picture, honest, for-reals perspective. Things can get smoshy and desperate and smelly and tense in our homes in very little time, because we keep people there. But the reality is, no matter how terrible it is, it isn't terrible. Not in the cosmic scheme of life. Watch a little cell phone video made by people on high ground who watched their world float away in the tsunami in Japan. Think of your grievances about your day, were you to be airing them to a person  who suffered through something of this magnitude. Remove yourself from your fussing at the coffee shop to a nice caring friend and think of talking to someone like Corrie Ten Boom or Elizabeth Elliot about this problem. "AND THEN," you say with dramatic tones, "THEY GOT NAIL POLISH ON THE CARPET!"  Get outside yourself for a minute and see what is really happening. You have miles and miles of a list of things to be actively grateful for (no matter how difficult your situation is), and you should try to keep it in mind when you start wanting to tally up the troubles you suffer.

2) The milkshake analogy is just descriptive of a feeling, but it isn't how the thing works. A friend of my sister's once sorrowfully told her husband that her well had run dry. His very wise response was to say, "But it isn't a well, it is a river." In actual point of fact, my energy and joy is not something that I drum up somewhere alone. It has tributaries. Contributors. Often times the takers are also the givers. This is especially true of your husband and children. When you give freely, you receive fully. Stingy out gets stingy in. An example of this would be holding yourself back from your husband simply because you feel tired, stingy, selfish, or generally put upon. Not only have you cut off a way that you could give to him, but you have cut off a cycle that gives to you as well. Nothing, when it comes to people, is entirely simple. When you need, give. When you are tired, look for ways to lift the burden of others.

Another example of this would be the mess in your house (I trust that you have one). When I focus on the mess, I am aggravated by the things that do not matter at the expense of the people who do. When I consciously refuse to be upset by the side product, I am free to enjoy the people who are messing it up. Giving my own work freely does not just make me a martyr.

Let's say the twins come up the stairs in wild dress- up ensembles. Chloe has a purse full of playmobile people, and Titus is pulling a blanket loaded with duplos. I know what this means to the playroom, and I know what it means to the place they are seeing as a destination. It means an imposition on me. But if I freely give, I am also free to get a good laugh out of them. I enjoy what they are doing because I took my own little issues out of the picture. They delight me. They delight me even when they are bombing the house out, if I am looking at them and not at myself. So try to see moments that feel like a take-take-take as more of a give-and-receive, give-and-receive cycle.

3) Let's talk more about messy houses, because I can't stop. Imagine you spent the day rearranging and cleaning up the living space in your home. You have flowers and clean curtains and fresh throw pillows and maybe a candle. You are pleased. The right lights are on. Things are good. And then, like the wolf on the fold, the people in your life descend upon your work. They peel off socks and put their feet on the coffee table. They come from afar bringing baskets of craftiness to spread out upon the couch. They pop popcorn and carelessly munch. Someone goes so far as to get out the puzzles. In such a moment, it would be easy (don't ask me how I know) to become shrill. It is easy to see each chin-glancing popcorn shrapnel as an insult. "Don't you value the work I do?!" "Don't you care how long this took me?!" "Why can't you just not do this??" Even if you don't say it, you may feel a little despair, a little resentment, and a little "why do I even try?".

But the truth is, we need a new perspective. It is moments like this that should give us a lot of job satisfaction. These people are enjoying you. They are enjoying your work. But, like a great dinner all laid out on the table, you don't enjoy it without touching it. A chef would not look at dishes coming back to the kitchen untouched as a sign of success. It would not mean great things about your work. Yet this is what we want from the work we do in our homes.

I'm sure most of you have noticed the magnetic power of what you clean. Clean the bookshelf up, and everyone wants to read. Organize the little toys, and everyone wants to play with the things they have been callously walking on for days. This is a sign that you are succeeding, that your people love your work. Think of it like food, because that is how it is getting used.

Wordsmithy

My husband has written a rollicking good book for aspiring writers called Wordsmithy, Hot Tips for the Writing Life. It is easy to read, fun to read, helpful, surprising, funny, and not your normal "color-in-the-lines" writing guidebook.  If you don't want to just take my word for it, you can read this review from someone who is not even related to us. Bottom line is, you will enjoy this book about books.

Too Many Straws

Motherhood & Work: Too many straws in my milkshake | Rachel Jankovic from Canon Wired on Vimeo.

The Regret Trap

I am pretty sure that we could all make lists of our regrets. I could quite easily start with my pencil back in elementary school and fill a page with stupid, foolish, and sinful things I did that I regret. Then I could move on to fill a couple of pages with junior high and high school, and then get a new notebook to start with the college years. And that would only be the stuff I remember.

But God intervened in my life in 1973, the summer after my junior year of college. Not that He had been absent all those years before. But He shed His light in my heart, opened my eyes, and turned me from darkness to light. I was forgiven, washed, restored, and put right. In fact, for a minute there I was sparkly clean.

But I soon discovered that even though many of my old sinful habits were gone, and even though I was a new person, inside and out, I still had plenty of remaining sinfulness left to be dealt with.

So do you suppose I have any regrets since 1973? Have I done any dumb, foolish things? Have I made decisions that didn't turn out the way I thought they would? Have I said stupid things I wish I hadn't? All of these are rhetorical questions. Of course I have! But I have consistently sought God's forgiveness for these stupid and/or sinful things. Sometimes they are truly sin (most of the time) and sometimes they are simply foolish, which may or may not be sin. Either way, I've put things right with God and right with others countless times. Call it an ongoing bath. Regular scrubbing. That's what repentance is.

Real repentance seeks real forgiveness, but it can still feel like a fool. And regret is disappointment over what we've done. It's what keeps us looking back, and it keeps that humiliating disappointment alive. But I believe that regret is all tangled up with pride. Pride says, "Why did I do such a stupid thing? I know better. I am not that kind. I am wiser than that. I am pretty sure that it was a momentary blip caused by hunger or hormones or not enough caffeine. I am so embarrassed." Regret flatters us into thinking we are really better people than we are, that we would do it better if we were given another chance.

A real repentance deals with the root of the matter, which means that we humble ourselves and confess to God that we really are the kind of people who say or do stupid or foolish or sinful things. Real repentance doesn't keep any self-respect around to enable long-term mourning over our mistakes.

So. Don't waste your time regretting. Regret usually begins with thoughts like, "If only…" or "I wish I hadn't…" or "If I could do that again…" It is unfruitful. It focuses on the wrong things (what might have been) rather than on what's happening now.

We all have plenty to regret, but regret can just feed discontent and increase our sorrow. We have far more to be grateful for. So when I am tempted to feel regret, I remind myself that it is not relevant. This is chapter ten, and fussing over what happened back in chapter six will only slow me down. It's not productive. No one wants to hear about it. It's unfruitful. It's clearly not a fruit of the Spirit. We learn from our mistakes (failures, etc.) so that we can press forward, not so we can look back at what might have been or not been. God is good.

New Year Contentment

Happy New Year to you all! I love the fact that God loves new beginnings; otherwise, why would He give us creatures so many opportunities to start fresh? New mornings, new months, new seasons, new years. He is good.

And what would a New Year be without some resolutions to go with it? I have one resolution to recommend for 2012, and that is to find contentment. Contentment doesn't change our circumstances, but it does change our hearts, which makes all our circumstances more comfortable. Our contentment does not lie in our circumstances, for if it did, we would only be able to be content when everything is going exactly as we like, which isn't very often. Contentment is found in Christ, who will never leave us or forsake us. Contentment is found in submitting to God's purposes and plans in our lives, even (or especially) when we don't understand. Contentment is a way of exercising our faith.

So here are ten ways to apply contentment in 2012.

1. Be content with your story. That means your birth and upbringing, your parents and your siblings, even your ancestors. Own your people and be content that God has written all of them into your story. Don't just be content with your story; love your story.

2. Be content with your condition. Are you married? Are you unmarried? Divorced? Widowed? Are you pregnant?  Are you not pregnant? If there is sin involved, confess it. If you already have, don't keep on confessing the same sins. Don't waste time on regret because it is both unfruitful and fleshly. Count your blessings and find contentment.

3. Be content with where you live: the weather, the geography, the view, the funny accents, the customs, and the history.

4. Be content with your income.

5. Be content with your health issues, even as you try to overcome them.

6. Be content with your home, how big it is or isn't, how far it is from town or how close it is to the street.

7. Be content with your job assignment. What has God called you to do? What gifts do you have? Be content to use them to please Him.

8. Be content with your time. We all have the same allotment of twenty-four hours per day. Be content with what you can get done in them.

9. Be content with your age. A contented forty-five or sixty-five is much prettier than a discontented twenty-five.

10. Be content with your husband and your children. Don't wish for different.

And have a very Happy New Year!

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!

With love to you all from all of us!