Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 500

April 30, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Rocketeer!

Zzzzzz.  Snort.  Hunh?  Me awake!  Sorry.  Monster up all night trying to finish Rocketeer for todayz review.  Movie is trowback to old cereals from de 30′s and 40′s your grandpa used to love.  Of course dis be same guy who can watch construction AAAALL AFTERNOON so dat not saying much.  At times, Rocketeer capture dat old timey spirit with beootiful updated costumez and special effekts – but same seventy year old musty script.  De only interesting charakter in dis movie is de villain.  Not de MOST interesting.  De ONLY interesting one.

Movie start wit test flight of plane.  All going superfantastik until bad guyz being chased by FBI shoot at plane out of spite.  It crash.  Bad guyz car coinsidentally end up in airplane hanger where bad guy hide sekret package everyone after.  He trick FBI into tinking package destroyed, den he sent off to hospital.  Turn out package is experimental jet pack dezigned by de guy from Lost!  FBI want him to build one more.  He say no because blah blah blah…zzzzz.  Sorry. Sorry!  Me awake now.  Where was monster?  Oh yah!

Hey, itz John Locke! Bet you not see dat twist coming!

Evil aktor (how dat for a tautology?) after de jet pack wit help from gangsterz.  He call up big goon to visit bad guy in hospital to find out where it at.  Turn out, it “at” airplane hangar where handsum hero find it hidden in plane.  Meanwhile, we introduced to girlfriend of hero who blander den plain yogurt.  Mebbe even blander den skript for Rocketeer.  Dey go on date.  Dey talk and diskuss…zzzzz.  Huh?  What? Where is monster?!  Oh.  De blog.  Right!  Sorry.  So sorry.

Anyway, girlfriend is also aktress.  Coinsidentally, she is extra in movie starring evil aktor.  When our hero show up on closed set and skrew up scene by knocking over set dec, she fired.  Den unfired when evil aktor realize she be girlfriend of guy who have jet pack (Coinsidentally, he overhear dis information.  Why waste time creating clever ways for villain to find out information when overhearing conversationz sooooo much easier?).  He ask her on date.

Let me strap dis on your back...great...now me going to stand waaaay over here and...good luck!

Air show!  Some clown in plane get into trouble.  It Rocketeer to de reskue!  Hero strap on jet pack, put on speshul helmet, and fly up. Crowd amazed.  Old timey reporterz call in skoops.  Rocketeer save clown.  He wave at people in plane.  Den crash.  Sidekick drive over to help but car break down.  Gangsterz closing in.  So, in coolest scene of movie, Rocketeer give car a push – wit his jetpack.  Car take off like Grover’s miata on a Saturday nite cruise for chicks!

Some guy die.  FBI shootout wit big goon.  Gangsterz show up at diner looking for hero.  Dey find girlfriend name and phone number on bulletin board by phone for reazon only scriptwriter know for sure. Fight!

Handsum hero.

Not so comic sidekick.

And Jennifer Connelly as de wishywashy love interest.

Evil aktor and wishywashy girlfriend at dinner.  Hero show up disguized as waiter.  He spill drink on her.  Runs into big goon.  Chased. Changez into Rocketeer.  Fly around club den fly away.  Ho hum.

Evil aktor take girlfriend home.  He try to seduce her.  She bonk him on de head, sneak around and diskover…he really nazi.  Suddenly, he awake – but brain damage from head shot cause him to talk wit German aksent for rest of movie.

Agree to swap.  Jet pack for de girl (If monster’s call, he keep de jet pack – but me not one to criticize).  Gangsterz find out evil aktor a nazi and dey turn against him.  Den more nazi’s show up.  Den FBI show up!  DEN BLIMP SHOW UP!  EVERYBODY SHOOT!  AND RUUUUN FOR IT!

Evil aktor and girlfriend get on blimp and fly away.  Rocketeer chase. Fight big goon.  Crash into gondola.  Evil aktor take jet pack and fly away – but hero cause fuel leak so evil aktor blow up and burnt to crisp.  But not before delivering best exchange in movie:

Girlfriend: “You’re a liar.”

Evil Aktor: “It wasn’t lying, Jenny.   It was acting!”

De name is Bond, Jakob Bond. Schweinhund!

Evil aktor blow up.  Blimp blow up.  Rocketeer save de day.  Happy ending for everyone and couple finally resolve deir differences and…zzzz.  Oh!  Okay.  Finished?

Verdikt: Dis movie try to fly high and recapture spirit of old timey cereals but grounded by boring skript and bland charakters (See what monster did dere?  Fly high?  Grounded?  Movie was Rocketeer, remember?).

Rating: 6 sugarless chocolate chippee cookies.

Pleaze diskuss.

Tagged: Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster film reviews, Cookie Monster reviews The Rocketeer, SuperMovie of the Week Club, The Rocketeer

April 30, 2012: Remembering Joel Goldsmith

I’m going to interrupt this blog’s scheduled posting to dedicate today’s entry to the memory of Joel Goldsmith.  Joel, who passed away last night, was a much loved and respected member of our extended Stargate family; his considerable contributions to the franchise a key part of its long-running success.  The son of renowned composer Jerry Goldsmith, he was an enormously talented in his own right, scoring all three Stargate incarnations (SG-1, Atlantis, and Universe) as well as the SG movies Continuum and Ark of Truth.  His lengthy list of credits include such varied productions as The Untouchables, The Outer Limits, and Diagnosis Murder, but it was, of course, Stargate that introduced me to his musical genius, indefatigable spirit, and greatly appreciated kindness.

Joel was terrific at what he did.  That goes without saying.  Check out any episode of Stargate and imagine how much poorer it would be without his music: the haunting Ascension theme from the end of SG-1′s Meridian as Daniel Jackson says goodbye to Jack, the stirring theme to Stargate: Atlantis that accompanies visuals of the city rising up out of the ocean’s depths, the melancholy yet beautifully elegant ending theme that accompanied SGU’s closing montage.  As producers, whenever we gave notes to anyone on the production, we always liked to balance our criticisms or requests with some recognition of a job well done.  In Joel’s case, there was never an issue with finding something great to say about his work.  If we had notes, they would be few and far between, and they would always be eclipsed by his tremendous accomplishments on any given mix.

The man was talented, but he was also genuinely gracious and thoughtful. Joel liked to know when we felt something wasn’t working so that he could improve upon it, but he also liked to know what WAS working (which, in all honesty, was about 99% of everything he did). Like any great artist, he appreciated the feedback.  But he was also quick to recognize the hard work of others.  I remember receiving a call from him about six episodes into Atlantis’s fourth season, the year Paul and I took over as show runners.  He had picked up the phone simply to congratulate us on the job we were doing.  He’d read the scripts, loved them, and was looking forward to working on the upcoming episodes.  He was calling to thank us for the great material which I found incredibly touching and, quite frankly, amazing.  And it was something he continued to do – not once or twice or even three times, but throughout those final two seasons.  Joel not only worked on Stargate – he was a fan.  And he sounded very much like a fan, echoing the online sentiment at the time, after learning of Atlantis’s cancellation.  He was outraged and sincerely disappointed that the series had come to what was, in his opinion, a premature end.  I was equally disappointed but the news of SGA cancellation was mitigated by that phone call from Joel.  We’d be moving on to SGU, finding work on a new incarnation of Stargate, but it was a damn shame nevertheless, and he wanted me to know it.

Joel was a pleasure to work with because he was collaborative.  He didn’t take dictation and yet, on the other hand, was never precious about his work either, ever willing to hear us out, make the necessary adjustments or, if need be, argue a point.  I remember one episode where, in a rare instance, a producer suggested we purchase a song for a scene.  Not all of the producers were onboard with the tune and we were leaning toward having Joel come up with something.  But rather than do so, Joel listened to that song from a little known band and defended it – vehemently so.  It would have been simple enough for him to create something but, instead, he recognized the talent in that song and, more importantly, recognized the opportunity it offered that band.  It seemed such a trivial decision at the time but, in retrospect, says a lot about the man’s character.

Finally, we come to Joel’s last piece for the Stargate franchise, that beautiful closing theme to the SGU finale, Gauntlet.  I have to admit that, at the time the episode was being produced, I wasn’t so sure I wanted Joel to score the montage.  When we received the director’s cut, the sequence had included a gorgeous piece that I felt was nothing short of perfect.  I loved Joel’s work, knew what he was capable of but, I have to admit, I doubted even he could trump the music that accompanied the director’s cut.  But Joel wanted to try.  He did.  And succeeded.  If that original piece was nothing shot of perfect, then the closing piece Joel came up with was beyond perfection.

And, I think, a fitting coda to this blog entry…

Tagged: Joel Goldsmith, Stargate

April 29, 2012: Okonomiyaki 101!

To ensure I don’t fall into a hermit-like existence that may eventually find me bottling my own urine and wearing kleenex boxes as shoes, I’ve decided to make more of an effort to get out, meet new people, and try new things.  As a result, several weeks ago, Akemi and I attended a macaron-making class.  And last night, it was an okonomiyaki-making gathering hosted by a local Japanese-Canadian social group.

For those of you who don’t know, okonomiyaki (sometimes erroneously referred to as “Japanese pizza”) is a savory Japanese pancake containing flour, eggs, cabbage, green onions, grated Japanese mountain potatoes, water, and dashi that is grilled, then topped with an special okonomiyaki sauce, mayo, dried seaweed, and bonito.  Extra ingredients include (but are not limited to): pork, octopus, shrimp, beef, chicken, squid, kimchi, mochi, cheese, veggies, and noodles.

Akemi and I were one of the first to arrive, promptly at 5:00 (per instructions in the email) without our chopsticks (contrary to instructions in the email).  Fortunately, someone brought extras and we were thus able to complete the Osaka experience rather than fake it with a knife and fork.

Some of the ingredients for that night's lesson - although Akemi doesn't really need the instructions. For the record, she makes a pretty terrific okonomiyaki all on her own.

While everyone set up and Akemi helped by chopping vegetables in the tiny kitchen, I stood by and made sure to keep the fire exit clear and unobstructed.

Shaun, the master of ceremonies, knows what he's doing.

The all-important batter, the glue that holds this culinary creation together. It helps that it actually has the consistency of glue.

Shaun demonstrates proper grilling technique.

And...done!

We broke up into groups and made our own versions. I was partial to the cheese/mochi combo.

The flip is really the most challenging part of the process. A bad one can prove disastrous. And very messy.

The finished product is adorned with okonomiyaki sauce and mayo, usually in a cross-hatch pattern to discourage predatory birds.

Akemi shows the gang a thing or two.

For dessert = mochi, those glutinous rice cakes that cause more annual deaths in Japan than fugu poisoning.

Damn. Forgot to snap a pic of the home made chocolate chip cookies Akemi made for the event, so you'll have to settle for her adorable accompanying note.

After last night’s lesson, I feel confident enough to make my own emergency okonomiyaki should the need arrive.

Well, onto the next event!  Last month was macarons.  This month was okonomiyaki.  Next month, Akemi and I attend our first garroting instructional.  Can’t wait!

Mailbag:

Tim Bullock writes: “Joe. did you here about the StarGate reboot to be announced at Com-con this Summer in some from?”

Answer: I’m aware of the project, but “reboot” is the wrong term.  It implies a new film or television series which isn’t the case here.

Tagged: Okonomiyaki

April 28, 2012: Today’s Blog Entry co-starring Robert Picardo as “The Dinner Guest”!

You may recognize him as The Doctor from Star Trek: Voyager, or the officious/annoying/not-so-bad/humorous/ultimately-quite-likable Richard Woolsey from Stargate SG-1/Stargate: Atlantis/Stargate: Universe, or from one of about a 100+ film and television roles.  I refer, of course, to the great Robert Picardo who got into town the other night for some convention (I think it’s a Star Trek thing.  I’m not sure of the details.).  He had a window of opportunity, roughly two hours between two con commitments – the latter being some sort of variety show event during which he’d be showing off his impressive vocal range (Something that was denied him on Atlantis.  Oh, if we’d only gotten that sixth season pick-up!  He’d have been a ringer for that musical episode we were planning).  He suggested dinner somewhere in the neighborhood of the hotel where the convention had put him up. Since the neighborhood is mostly home to recent parolees and out patients of the province’s most notorious mental hospital, I was hard-pressed up to come up with a good restaurant recommendation.

Bob is a fan of ethnic cuisine, Indian in particular, so I solicited the opinions of several foodies at the nearby methadone clinic who suggested a restaurant not too far from the hotel.  All in all, not bad – in comparison to the service that was just plain awful.  We settled in and started catching up.  I was regaling Bob with tales of my fantastic seven months in Toronto when the waitress came by and asked us if we were ready to order.  We told her not yet.  She headed off – and we didn’t see her again for another twenty minutes.  For a while there, I feared something had happened to her.  Perhaps she was in the back, trapped under a fallen refrigerator, too weak to call for help, her life ebbing away.  I was about to call 911 (just to be on the safe side) when I noticed her serving the table behind us.  I tried to catch her attention but she was doing her darndest to ignore me.  I feared we’d offended with that whole “not ready to order yet” thing.  I finally managed to corral the busboy and tried to give him our order.  He assured us our waitress would be right over.  And she eventually was.  We ordered.

The food was okay.  Damn, I miss Toronto’s Babur (one of the very few things I miss about the city).  After our meal, getting the bill proved equally challenging.  Again, our waitress was as elusive as The Jackal.  I thought I spotted her a couple of times, but I couldn’t be sure.  She was like smoke or a shadow or a waitress who had no interest in serving us.

Restaurant aside, it was very nice meal.  The only thing that would have made it even better would have been if Bob’s lovely wife Linda had joined us.  Linda and a change in venue.

Anyway, it was great to catch up with Bob.  We’re going to have to do it again when Akemi and I are in L.A.

Incidentally, Bob provided me with a link to the convention site and I did check it out.  I’ve got to ask: those fans who paid $399 for their ticket – for that price, do you actually get to make love to a Stargate celebrity of your choice?  I’m curious.

April 27, 2012: Akemi’s Birthday Dinner!

This year, I decided to do something a little different for Akemi’s birthday dinner.  Rather than go out for her special meal, I decided to bring the special meal to her.  I hired the services of her fave local chef, Jane Cornborough, and asked her to design a menu especially for Akemi. And so, last night, Jane came to our home and, with the assistance of the super-talented Brooke Pillay, served up an outstanding five course birthday meal…

Chef Jane Cornborough ready for action.

With an assist from Refuel vet Brooke Pillay.

In setting the table, we realize we don't have proper napkins. So we settle for Akemi's back-up napkins - nothing short of lovery.

With all the hustle and bustle going on, perhaps no one was more looking forward to that night's feast than Jelly.

Some of the night's fresh market ingredients included wild ramps and celery leaf.

Who's hungry?

The first guests to arrive: Rob and Hillary.

And completing the guest list: Ivon and Sarah.

Akemi checks out the tea collection, a gift from Rob and Hillary.

And a bouquet from Ivon and Sarah. Akemi doing her best Miss Japan imitation.

Chef Jane whisking up a storm.

Fresh herbs

Lulu anxiously awaits the first course.

Sarah talks study with Akemi. Ivon is clearly dubious about something.

The birthday gal shows off her ichigo napkin.

Porcini Mushroom Soup topped with crispy mushrooms, croutons, chives and olive oil. A fantastic start to the meal. Akemi is a huge fan of mushrooms and you don't get much more flavorful than the wonderful porcini. The crispy mushrooms on top were a nice textural contrast to the creamy soup as were the croutons that found a quick fan in Ivon.

Dungeness Crab Salad with frisse, oxalis, avocado,charred ramps, and pickled mustard seed vinaigrette. Wow! Appearances can be deceiving. This looked like the simplest dish and yet it blew everyone away with its fresh, clean flavors. And that mustard seed vinaigrette...it's all Akemi could talk about.

Cauliflower Risotto with fried cauliflower & puree, parsley, and grano padano. Akemi loves cauliflower and risotto, so Jane came up with this terrific dish. Again, a nice textural contrast between the crispy and the creamy rolled into a whole lot of tasty.

Keeping busy in the kitchen.

Beer Braised Slopping Hill Pork with spring vegetables-fava beans, peas, wild celery, radish, cipollini onions, micro cabbage greens, and jus. Incredibly tender, rich, and luscious.

Ivon's table conversation drives his date to drink.

Rob and Hillary rest up before the dessert course - and humor Ivon.

Akemi's birthday cupcake.

Akemi loves chocolate and is a big fan of the orange blossom truffles at Chocolaterie de la Nouvelle France, so Brooke obliges by serving up Chocolate Cupcakes with orange blossom ganache and butter cream. Delicious.

And, to end the meal, a selection of Enrico Rivera chocolate bombolas (Brooke brought back from her recent trip to Spain) in an assortment of tea flavors: Chinese green tea balls with jasmine flower, Japanese green tea with rice and corn, Chinese black tea with Lapsang Souchang, Smoked Chinese black tea with Candied lemon, and pine-nut and green tea Gunpowder with mint and rose petals.

Brooke and Jane take a bow.

Thanks to Jane and Brooke for a memorable evening.

April 26, 2012: My Top 10 Bookstore Turn-offs!

You’re at your local bookstore, browsing the shelves, when something catches your eye.  Whether it’s an interesting cover or an intriguing blurb or a fantastic review, it’s an unexpected “something” that impels you to buy that particular book.  Being an impulsive shopper, it happens to me all the time and I’ve ended up discovering some wonderful authors this way.  I picked up the first book of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series (The Blade Itself (The First Law: Book One) because I thought it had a great cover.  I’ve since read all five of Joe’s books (and his short story in the Lou Anders/Jonathan Strahan Swords & Dark Magic compilation: Swords & Dark Magic: The New Sword and Sorcery) and am anxiously awaiting the release of his sixth: Red Country.  I bought The Empire of Ice Cream (The Empire of Ice Cream), Jeffrey Ford’s brilliant collection of fantastic fiction, because I liked the title.  I’ve since read nine of his books (still on the hunt for his first, Vanitas), and am eagerly awaiting the release of his upcoming collection of short fiction (Crackpot Palace: Stories).  John Scalzi, George R. R. Martin, Iain M. Banks, Alastair Reynolds and many more – all discovered as a result of some spontaneous response to (let’s face it) a brilliant bit of marketing.

Of course, it’s a double-edged sword.  A selling point that may convince one person to pick up a title could well convince another to give it a pass.  I was thinking about this today while perusing the New Arrivals section of my favorite book shop on the way to coming up with my list of the Top 10 things most likely to turn me off a book purchase.  Not always, but more often than not.  In no particular order:

1. Unicorns, women in 80′s hairdos wearing flowing low-cut robes, muscular shirtless men, garish colours.  In short – a cheesy cover.

2. “An Oprah’s Book Club Selection”

3. Authors with a single name (the literary world equivalent of a Cher or Bono).

4. “From the mind of…”

5. Any staff recommendation.

6. “First book in the – - – trilogy!”

7. The appearance of the word “inspirational” on either the front cover, back cover, or anywhere within the inside jacket.

8. “Now A Major Motion Picture”

9. “Based on the Popular…”

10. “International Bestseller/National Bestseller/New York Times Best Selling Author”

Tagged: bookstore turn-offs

April 25, 2012: Becoming a No Man

Yeah, I can definitely do this! I think.

Back in the day, Exec. Producer Brad Wright used to say: “Fast is good, but good is better than fast.”  To which then writer/director Peter DeLuise would invariably reply: “GotitgoodisbetterthafastGotit!”. But there was no rush.  Usually.  Stargate was a well-oiled machine, this in no small part due to the writing department’s ability to have a good half-dozen scripts banked before production started on a given season. And, in addition to those banked scripts, there were always a good three or four other scripts in various stages of development as well. But even though we were well-prepared, once production started, those scripts got eaten up mighty quickly.  The show’s writers wore both writer and producer hats, so it was all too easy to get swept up in other aspects of prep and post and, before you knew it, we’d be facing a dreaded scheduling crunch.  Which brings me to another expression I used to hear all the time: “You’ve got to feed the beast” – the beast, of course, a reference to the production’s relentless appetite for new material.  Before you knew it, that comfy six script cushion was gone and you were scrambling to get more scripts completed before those looming concept meetings.  And  yet, despite the challenges, we got it done.  Every year, we managed to write and produce about 20 episodes of television.  Hell, for a couple of years, we even pulled off 40!  How did we do it?  Well, we were well-organized, we had an incredibly supportive creative team, and our schedules, while often tight, were very doable.

Fast is good, but good is better than fast. Also, baked goods are better than fasting.

I’ve come to learn that Stargate was the exception rather than the rule.  We were lucky in many respects, not just in terms of the people we worked with within the production, but the individuals we dealt with on the outside as well.  Our studio, MGM, always had our backs and granted us the creative leeway to get the show done, on time and on budget.  Our network, SyFy, despite some fan criticism to the contrary, demonstrated a passion for good SF, good stories, always making a positive contribution to the creative and production process.

Busy. Intensely so.

Yes, we were very lucky, but I’ve come to believe that you make your own luck.  And you make it, not by saying yes, being incredibly accommodating, bending over backwards to please, but by being realistic – and ruthless if need be.  I’ve learned that working hard against seemingly impossible odds is a sucker bet because once you make that commitment, regardless of how difficult the circumstances, your determined “I’ll try my best” quickly morphs into “I’ll get it done no problem!” to the ears of others.  Suddenly, the entire burden shifts. It’s no longer “us” but “you” and you’d damn well better get the job done because, if you don’t, it’s all on “you”.

Hmmmm. Let me think about that for a minute - NO!

Instead of telling people what they want to hear, you’ve got to tell them what they need to hear.  And, sometimes, what they need to hear is no.  No, that’s not going to work.  No, you’ll never produce the show you have your heart set on with that budget.  No, we can’t complete the script in the time allotted.  No, I won’t work for less even if it is a fantastic project, a terrific opportunity, and you would consider it a personal favor.

Now, on the surface, you would think people don’t like to hear “no” and, on the surface, you may be right.  But here’s something else I’ve come to learn over my many years in the business: People may not like “no”, but they respect it.  ”I tried my best to make you happy” – not so much.

Just a little something to think about as you weigh your next job offer.

Or if you’re planning on making me one.

Tagged: Stargate

April 24, 2012: Recent Eats! Adoption! The L.A. Complex!

Some recent meals…

Porchetta sandwich from Meat & Bread. The pork is spice rubbed and rolled in fennel and rosemary, then roasted to crispy perfection, chopped (along with that crispy skin) and served up hot.

Red Curry Beef sandwich at Meat & Bread, the day's special. Had a terrific sansho-like kick.

Meat & Bread : 370 Cambie Street : Victory Square : Vancouver BC.  As tempted as I was, I decided to take a rain check on the maple-bacon ice cream sandwich.

On the home front…

Fava beans sauteed in chicken stock and roasted garlic.

Crispy roasted Rainbow Trout with olive oil, garlic, and tarragon.

Saikyo miso soup with shitake mushrooms, sweet onions, and sweet potatoes.

My Mexican Ratatouille: Mix jalapenos, serrano peppers, cubed eggplant, tomatillos, red tomato, shallots, and garlic in olive oil, thyme salt, and a dash of sugar. Pop them in the oven on broil.

Once done, strip the seeds out of the roasted peppers (or the leave them in if you like it spicy), toss in a cubed avocado, mix and serve. Sweet, sour, spicy and delicious.

Cold chocolate: milk, cream, chocolate.

Heard from the Seattle Pug Rescue today.  They informed me that since it was impossible for them to do a home check on me, they would require photos of my house along with a letter of reference from my vet.  And, if I do end up being approved for adoption, I will have to make the trip to Seattle to pick up my pug since they do not ship their pugs.  All perfectly understandable.  I’ll snap some pics of the front and back yards (both fenced) and some shots of my dogs lounging about in their doggy beds, on my bed, and enjoying It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia on the big theater screen downstairs.  If that doesn’t convince them, I don’t know what will.

Akemi is still about two months away from hearing definitive word on her immigration status (we went to the Japanese Consulate this morning to get her printed so the Japanese government can run a background check on her and make sure she isn’t a serial killer who preys on unwitting gaijin).  As a result, either I make the trip to Seattle solo or I wait until she gets the okay to come and go as she pleases.  Guess I’ll just have to see how the adoption process goes.

Martin Gero’s The L.A. Complex premieres tonight at 9:00 p.m. on the CW.  Check it out!

April 23, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Captain America (1990)!

From direktor of Kickboxer 4: De Aggressor and Nemesis III: Prey Harder and producer of Breakin’ 2: Elektrik Boogaloo and Super IV: Quest for Peace (uh oh) come Captain America, de greatest American hero since Superman.  Oh, and de Greatest American Hero.

Movie start in pre-WWII Italy.  Mussolini interrupt boy’s piano lesson. Boy forced to watch as family killed, den kidnapped, den experimented on.  Terruble ting to happen.  But still better den piano lesson.

He taken to sekret lab where Dr. Vasilivilivich turn him into superhuman monster dat look like a creepy red skull.  So, dey call him…

Red Rupert!

Only somebody in Hitler entourage already called Rupert and dis lead to confusion, so dey call him Red Skull instead.

No. Sorry. Your eyes were closed on dat one. Let's take another. Cheeeeeeze!

Red Skull become greatest Nazi villain in history!  Even tho, for some reazon, he Italian in dis movie.  But even tho he Italian, he not really sound Italian.  Sort of Cuban but not quite.  He sound….well, aktually, he sound like dis guy:

Anyway, Dr. Vasinovalich have second thoughtz and jump out window. Den run all de way to America where she defekt.  With her help, America create its own supersoldier: Captain America (aka Steve Rogers)!  Hurray!  But den nazi spy ruin festive mood by killing Dr. Visinvichelli.  Boo!  Buzzkill!

De good newz: You're a supesoldier. De bad newz: You have to wear dis stoopid costume.

Captain America have to stop nazis from launching rocket at White House.  He sent behind enemy lines – wearing bright blue costume. Fortunately, he also given camouflage suit – dat he immediately take off after he parashoot down.

Of course, he captured – and strapped to rocket.  Before he take off, he pull de olde “C’mere.  I want to tell you someting” and Red Skull fall for it.  Captain America grab him.  So heroic!  Red Skull panic!  Quick! What de first ting you do if someone grab your hand and try to take you on  a rocket ride?  Dat right!  You cut off YOUR OWN hand! Hmmmm.  And dis guy suppose to be Nazi genius?

Rocket fly all de way to America but, just in nick of time, Captain America kick it off course and it land in Alaska instead.  Luckily Germans only had de one rocket.  Young boy takes pickture of rocket flying by and shows it to friend.  Boy grows up to be prezident.  Friend grows up to be newspaper reporter.  Captain Amerika not grow up – just stay frozen in ice until…

Diskovered!  He break out of ice and run away!  It make de newz!

New-look Red Skull send bunch of bad guyz to track him down.  Not be outdone, prezident sends…his friend de reporter.

Either he new look Red Skull, or one of de Real Housewives of Orange County.

Captain America walk to Canada and – what a considents! – get picked up by reporter driving by.  But Cap not trust him and so, pull de olde: “Let’s get out of de car so I can run back in and drive away”.  So heroic!

Captain Amerika walk around Santa Monica.  Some kidz from Twisted Sister video ask him for change.  He scared by sight of woman in thong and run away.  So heroic!

Cap go to find his old love.  And she is.  Really old.  But perfekt skin. He tell her “Oh, well.  Not meant to be.”  (subtekst: Your daughter, Sharon, be veeeery hot!  She seeing anyone?”).

Red Skull’s daughter show up and kill reporter and old love.  Cap angry.  He team up with Sharon.  Dey locate Dr. Villisenovich diary and find out true identity of Red  Skull!  Captain America fight bad guyz and throw unarmed man down elevator shaft.  So heroic!

Oh, and U.S. Prezident kidnapped by Red Skull!

Travel to Rome.  Captain American pull de olde: “Hey, Sharon, get out of de car so I can drive away!”.  So heroic!  But Sharon catch up with him.  Cap ask Italian woman: “You speak English?”  She shake her head no.  So he start speaking to her in English anyway.  Until Sharon start to speak Italian.  ”Oh, you looking for crazy villain hideout?  Go down street, five blocks, den turn right.  It ominous castle on your left. You can’t miss it!”

Sharon captured (becuz she girl and saving Prezident not good enough for our hero).  But Prezident escape.  Nobody notice until dey unlock door and walk right inside cell – even tho dey can see it empty from de outside.  Prezident chased onto roof.  Red Skull planning to mind control him so he commit suicide by jumping.  BUT -

He caught and saved by Captain America who just happen to be climbing up dat side of fortress at dat exakt moment.  What perfekt timing!  Perfektly lame timing!

Super slapflight!

Cap and Prezident team up!  Sharon fight Red Skull’s daughter!  Red Skull have bomb!  But Captain Amerika have tape recording of Red Skull childhood piano lesson.  Bring back bad memories for Red Skull. Cap throw shield, knock Red Skull into water, and dekapitate Red Skull daughter.  So heroic!

Dis movie brought to you by de Environmental Protection Act of 1990.

Verdikt: Dis movie so lame, monster aktually feel sorry for people who made it.

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee pity cookie and one snickerdoodle loaded wit red, white and blue M&M’s.

Pleaze diskuss.

Next week:

 

Tagged: Captain America, Captain America (1990), Cooke Monster, Cookie Monster movie reviews, Cookie Monster reviews Captain America (1990), SuperMovie of the Week Club

April 22, 2012: Beta 5! A Top Chef contestant checks in! Switching over from horror to mini-series mode!

Akemi and I paid a follow-up visit to Beta 5, a bold new addition to the Vancouver chocolate scene.  Located in the out-of-the-way industrial area off Main Street (appropriately enough, on Industrial Avenue), the shop/factory offers up a variety of intriguing products, from bars to caramels, marmalade to caramelized Marcona almonds.

No seating, just a counter selection and a view of the chocolate-making process.

I picked up a chocolate selection for Akemi’s birthday and she was wowed by the expert thin shells.  For my part, I was bowled over by their bars.  The 63% dark + choconut granola and the 67% Dominican dark with cocoa nibs was particular stand-outs.

A little out of the way, but well worth the trip: BETA 5 (413 Industrial Avenue).

The marmalades make use of citrus from Rising C Ranches in Reedley, California. I was tempted by the seville orange and the meyer lemon. Maybe next time.

Almost finished the rewrite of the horror script.  I’ll give it one more read-through tomorrow, then send it on its way – after which I have to switch gears and start thinking about this mini-series.  We’re looking at 2 x 2 hours with a very tight delivery schedule.  Paul’s worried but I figure that if we can get together and bang out an outline by early next week, we’ll be in pretty good shape.  I mean, if i was able to write three SG-1 scripts in two weeks, I should be able to write the equivalent of four in eight.  Well, maybe more like six.

Back on April 10th, I wrote a blog post about macarons and complained about people who referred to “macarons” as “macaroons”.  I mentioned a recent episode of Top Chef Canada in which a competing chef won by making a macaron, which he referred to as a macaroon. Well, the other day, Curtis Luk, the competing chef in question (and a self-proclaimed food nerd according to his show bio), left a note in the comments section of that post in which he explained the circumstances of the macaron/macaroon perceived flub (check it out here: April 10, 2012: Getting my macaron fix! Full Preview Dark Matter #4!).  And, for the record, he’s a fan of Stargate but not such a big fan of macaroons. According to Curtis: “Also for the record I hate macaroons and given the choice I wouldn’t make them, unless someone pointed a staff weapon at me.”

If you haven’t watched the 1990 version of Captain America yet, please do so before tomorrow when our Superhmovie of the Week Club reconvenes and guest film critic Cookie Monster weighs in with his review.  From what I hear, it’s a doozy.

Tagged: Beta 5, Chocolate, Top Chef Canada