Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 502

April 9, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

Hoo boy.  Take one good idea wit promise, sell out and make it for kiddiez to cash in on merchandizing potenshul, den make movie about it but don't bother paying for decent script.  Just trow together any old lazy ideas, some lame jokes and dubbing, and voila – you have Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a movie made twenty yearz ago back when kidz a lot eazier to impress.  Monster not understand how history judge Howard de Duck so harsh but give dis movie a free pass.

Stop fighting over pizza and get back to breakdancing!

City full of crime.  Woman mugged.  But teenage mutant ninja turtles to da reskue!  Dey fight to lame late 80′s synth muzak!  Dey use dated hipster doofus termz like "Bodashus!" and "Radikal!"!  Dey live in sewerz – which monster tink pretty appropriate becuz dat where dis stinker of a movie belong!

Stuff happen.  Me not bore you wit details.  But turtle master, Ratso Rizzo, get kidnapped by bad guy in samurai hat doing bad Darf Vader imitashun.

Ratso Rizzo

Turtles waste time fighting over pizza, gestikulating wildly like bad stage aktors, and making friendz wit newz reporter and vigilante who dress like maniak from Friday de 13th.  Dese two fall in love for some reazon even though he a brainless missoginist and she have mebbe half brain.  Or mebbe not.

You know a movie is bad when villainz even stoopider looking den mutant turtle heroez.

Itz ninja turtles versuz ninja ninjas!  Turtles fight wit sharp weaponz but never aktually stab anyone wit dem.  Monster guess dey more of a fashun statement.

Look out! It Jason Voorheez!

Ratso Rizzo saved!  Turtles find out someting audience figured out one hour earlier: sekret identity of Darf Shredder.  He fall off building and die.  Until next movie anyway.

Darth Shredder

Newscaster and troglodite get together.  Turtles tell more lame jokes. And monster wish he rewatching Superman and de Mole-Men instead.

Verdikt: Verdikt is monster finished watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles moviez.  One enuf to last a lifetime.

Rating: 4 chocolate chippee cookies.  And only becuz dis a kidz.  Adultz and anyone dat graduated grade six need not apply.

Pleaze diskuss.

Tagged: Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster reviews Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, SuperMovie of the Week Club

April 8, 2012: Chocolaterie de la Nouvelle France! Nebula Awards Showcase 2012! Dark Matter #4!

Tucked away on the less-traveled 21st Street, just off the much-traveled Main Street, sits my favorite little truffle stop in Vancouver: Chocolaterie de la Nouvelle France.  Owned and operated by former Quebecer Anne-Geneviève Poitras, it offers a delectable selection of hand-crafted chocolates, truffles, confections and beverages.  With its rustic wooden shelves, glass jars, and chalkboard specials, the little shop is reminiscent of a bygone era when eating chocolate was something to be treasured – the luxurious creations carefully produced and enjoyed in measured quantities rather than shipped off an assembly line and scarfed down by the bar.  The place is possessed of an Old World charm that Akemi immediately likened to Juliette Binoche's shop in Chocolat – quaint, warm, and utterly special.

On our last visit, we split six truffles (ranging from an orange blossom bursting with intense floral tones to a rich ultra dark), and I picked up a jar of buttery salted caramel (for ice cream purposes).

It's a little out of the downtown way but if you happen to find yourself in Vancouver (like, say, for an upcoming convention), I suggest you check it out.

198 East 21st Avenue (at main st.), Vancouver  |  604-566-1065

Chocolaterie de la Nouvelle France

Nebula Awards Showcase 2012, edited by James Patrick Kelly & John Kessel

I was fortunate enough to receive an advance review copy of the forthcoming Nebula Awards Showcase 2012 featuring Nebula Award winning stories past and present – but mainly present.  The collection includes a couple of excerpts from much larger works (a chapter from Connie Willis' two volume Blackout/All Clear that continues the adventures of the time-hopping 21st century historians introduced in the 1982 short story "Firewatch", and a chapter from I Shall Wear Midnight  by the consistently entertaining Terry Pratchett), SF-themed poetry, a couple of classic entries from scifi legends James Triptree Jr./Alice Sheldon ("And I Awoke and Found Me Here on the Cold Hill's Side") and Harlan Ellison ("How Interesting: A Tiny Man"), and selected recent Nebula nominees and winners in the Short Story, Novelette, and Novella categories.

Usually, when reading collections, I may come across a handful of entries I'll enjoy, a few that will fail to capture my interest, and everything in between.  This collection differed in that there were a handful of entries I downright loved, a few I enjoyed, and one I disliked so much I actually had to set the book aside for a couple of days to ensure my surprisingly passionate response didn't color my opinion of the other stories.

In "The Sultan of the Clouds", Geoff Landis draws on his PhD in physics and experience working for NASA to craft a fantastic future scenario where Venus's inhospitable carbon dioxide environment has been colonized by floating habitats, ten thousand buoyant transparent domes each home to half a million residents.  Accepting an invitation from an individual within the powerful Satrap of Venus, two scientists visit the dazzling alien world – and are swept up in a conspiracy that threatens to upend the planet's teeming settlements.

Adam-Troy Castro's "Arvies" is a wicked little tale that imagines a future where death begins at life.  It's a fascinating read that, I'm not surprised, has courted a certain amount of controversy – and, again not surprisingly, roundly criticized by opposing sides in a contentious debate.

"The Green Book", by Amal El-Montar, delivers a narrative that proves fascinating, heartbreaking, and altogether unique in its  presentation of the titular green book, an ancient tome who's various writers come alive in passionate, doomed discourse.

"That Leviathan, Whom Thou Hast Made", by Eric James Stone, is a wonderful read that uses humor to great effect, telling the tale of a Mormon missionary whose conversion of a race of aliens doesn't sit well with a human scientist – and fares no better with the alien race's cantakerous god.

Christopher Barzak's "Map of Seventeen" is a surprisingly sweet story about sibling relationships, acceptance, and love's ability to transcend even the most seemingly insurmountable of social barriers.

Finally, the collection concludes with Rachel Swirsky's award-winning novella, The Lady Who Plucked Red Flowers beneath the Queen's Window, which is told from the POV of a long-dead sorceress whose account is comprised of a series of awakenings in which she is summoned to work her magic on behalf of various masters and mistresses.  This was one of those stories that was such a pleasure to read, it made me take note of the author's other available works (Through the Drowsy Dark: Short Fiction & Poetry) for future book-browsing reference.

Three more days until Dark Matter #4 hits the shelves.  Here's a sneak peek at the first four pages.  The boys agree to disagree:

Tagged: Chocolate, Chocolaterie de la Nou, Dark Matter, Nebula Awards Showcase 2012, Vancouver chocolate, Vancouver chocolate shops

April 7, 2012: Akemi and I attend the Annual Waiting Festival! Dark Matter #4 Preview! Mailbag!

Ever see that South Park episode where Cartman and the gang visit an amusement park?  We discover them in an incredibly long queue where Kyle complains about the fact that they've been standing in line for almost an hour.  Thankfully, as Cartman points out, they're almost there.  Seconds later they finally reach the end of the line where a park attendant asks them if they enjoyed "The Line Ride – a real live simulator of a long line."  And then: "That'll be five tickets, please."

Today, Akemi and I felt a lot like Cartman and co. when we attended the Van Dusen Garden Annual Waiting Festival.  Okay, it wasn't advertised as the Waiting Festival but I suspect that was only because they were afraid of scaring off potential visitors.

Anyway, after driving around for some twenty minutes looking for parking, we eventually gave up and parked some six blocks away.  By the time we finally arrived, we were hungry and looking forward to sampling foods from the various Japanese vendors.  Unfortunately, lunch would have to wait.  We were greeted by an impossibly long line-up that snaked beyond the parking lot.

Line-up #1

Rather than walk the six blocks back to the car, we elected to stick it out.  And, thirty minutes later, we were rewarded with entry tickets. Finally, it was lunch time!

That's what I thought anyway.  We stepped through the entrance and into another line-up, this one for food.

Line-up #2

After waiting for some fifteen minutes, a volunteer informed everyone that we were waiting in the line-up to pick up food.  If we wanted to order food, we had to line up in a completely different queue.  Half the line dispersed, including Akemi and I, electing to take our chances with another, hopefully less busy food stand.

Fat chance.

Line-up #3

Pictured above, the line-up for takoyaki – those half-cooked octopus balls, served searingly hot, that are de rigueur at most any Japanese-themed outdoor event.  While I waited in line, Akemi scoped out the area and came back with some pre-lunch appetizers = cute macarons:

Alas, they were a disappointment.  As was the gyudon (beef bowl) she also picked up during my interminable wait for these:

Inferior takoyaki

Sadly, another disappointment.  They lacked the cabbage filling and other ingredients that usually accompany the octopus – in this case, a tiny piece or two per ball.

We moved on and, since I was still hungry, braved yet another line.  In this case, I had about a half dozen to choose from and passed on the longer lines for Japanese hot dogs and yakitori in favor of the much shorter line for ramen.  Alas, while the line may have been shorter (a mere ten minute wait) the actual wait for the food was about three times longer than any of the others – a ridiculous thirty minutes!  I will say, howeer, that the ramen was actually quite good – really the only good thing we ate on the day.

In addition to endless lines, the Van Dusen Garden Annual Waiting Festival also offered the following:

Origami dinosaurs

Cherry blossoms (Akemi: "That's it?")

Sakura fashion

Akemi, dressed for the weather.

The garden maze - which we attempted, this despite my tale of the two Japanese tourists who wandered in last year never to exit. I informed Akemi that their skeletal remains were recovered during the spring thaw.

Akemi salutes the topiary bull.

Speaking of waiting, if you want to check out the fourth and final issue of the Dark Matter opening arc, you'll have to wait until Wednesday to pick it up at your local comic book store.  In the meantime, allow me to tide you over with a preview of issue #4′s first three pages:

Mailbag:

astrumporta writes: "…resisted the reading glasses as long as possible, because the doc said once you start using them, your eyes get weaker."

Answer: Aha!  I figured as much.  Back in the drawer they go!

Marsha_R writes: "Yes, I do owe you corn tamales, because we failed to find them in San Diego!"

Answer: Marsha, aka Texas Lady?  Yes, I do reall – no corn tamales.  But plenty of bail bond offices!

dasndanger writes: "…he said it was okay, and he flashed a badge and said he was a fireman (like that makes a difference), and I flashed my bigass digging knife and said I'm armed (like that makes a difference)."

Answer: Damn.  Wouldn't want to run into you in a dark alley.  Stay safe!

Blake Linton writes: "…the Constellation Awards nominations for 2011 have recently been announced, and Stargate Universe received a whopping eight nominations, including at least one nomination in every category for which it qualified."

Answer: Great to hear.  Thanks to both you and Kelley Hirst for securing the nominations.  Now it's up to Stargate fans to get the vote out!

Ponytail writes: "I am already sad Dark Matter 4 is the final copy written. Don't just stop there. Are you going to continue the paper comic?"

Answer: Would love to – but that'll be up to Dark Horse.

Migzy writes: "Have you ever thought of becoming a food critic?"

Answer: Nah, I'm not serious enough.  I just like what I like.

sparrow_hawk writes: "Hey, have you read Ready Player One yet? I think you'll like it."

Answer: Funny you should mention it.  Only yesterday, I was reading the book's blurb on amazon and thinking I should pick it up – along with The Freedom Maze.

Orderofolde writes: "That people are still writing because they want more seasons more than a year after cancellation should tell people something. Maybe do a mini-series as a feeler, then commit to more seasons when you see your "Ratings" go up to 3.5 million which really is more like 5-7 million actually watching and following the series!"

Answer: Among the stops I'll be making on my whirlwind tour of L.A. will be a visit to our friends at MGM.  I fully intend to ask them what the plan is re: future Stargate.  Will let you know.

poundpuppy29 (Erika) writes: "Hey Joe I searched your blog and I can't find what you said about Vala was she even mentioned in the third movie script?"

Answer: I don't recall the specifics for her absence (I read Stargate Revolution a long time ago) but Vala was not in the movie.  As I mentioned in a response to a similar question, in my mind, she was off-world dealing with "family issues" during the events of Revolution and rejoined the team soon after the events of Revolution.

Tagged: Sakura Fair, Van Dusen Gardens

April 6, 2012: Tortuosity and Dark Matter!

Two intellectuals contemplate.

Every year, when we were kids, my father used to put my sister and I through the holy trinity of medical check-ups: dental, optical, and general health.  Of the three, our local ophthalmologist was the only one I actually looked forward to visiting.  There was no pinching, no prodding, no poking – just some reading, visual puzzles, and always a hearty and much-appreciated congratulations on my 20/20 vision.  And that's something I've always been proud of.  While many a friend and co-worker has struggled with contacts or corrective surgery, I've never had cause to complain.  I've always had perfect vision.

Until last year when I noticed I was having trouble reading at night.  I chalked it up to the heavy stress I'd placed on my eyes since the move to Toronto – endless hours spent on my laptop, reading and re-reading scripts and notes.  But, just to be on the safe side, I made an appointment to have my vision checked.  Boy, eye exams have come a long way since I was a kid.  Sure, there were the old standbys like the miniscule line reading and the progressively improving/deteriorating lens symbols ("Better or worse?  How about now?  And now?"), but some new tests had been added to the line-up since my last visit (Oh, twenty years ago), tests involving wonky glasses, bright lights, air puffs and eye drops.  The results?  I needed reading glasses.  I received my prescription, picked out a fashionable pair and equally fashionable eyeglass case, then brought them back home where they sat in a drawer for five months until I finally took them out – and packed them in a box and shipped them to Vancouver where they've been sitting in a drawer since this morning when I brought them along for today's visit to a Vancouver ophthalmologist.

I put on the wonky glasses, had puffs of air blown into my eyes, read tiny letters aloud, stared into a light, commented on the progressively improving/deteriorating visual quality of certain symbols, and got stinging eye drops.  The results?  Yep, still need those reading glasses. Also, it would seem that I have tortuous blood vessels in my eyes. Huh?  The blood vessels in the back of my eyes are all squiggly.  Oh.

So what the hell does that mean?  Well, 82% of tortuous (squiggly) blood vessels are the result of genetic influence.  Nothing to worry about.  As for the other 18% , well, it's  a mixed bag of possible causes: elevated cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes, and a central retinal vein occlusion.  Oh, also something to do with arterial blockages in my neck.  Y'know, come to think of it, the Toronto ophthalmologist mentioned the same thing last year but hadn't seemed all that worried considering I'd just aced my annual physical the previous month.  Of course, my blood pressure had plenty of occasion to rise during those intervening four weeks.

Anyway, just in case, I'll be following up with my GP.  Friday, April 20th, I'll be pinched, prodded, and poked – and, I'm sure, ultimately told to keep doing what I'm doing: exercising, eating plenty of fruit and fish, drinking plenty of green tea, and snacking on dark chocolate.

In the meantime, considering I'm on my laptop the greater part of my days and reading the better part of my nights, it looks like I'm going to have to make a concerted effort to make better use of my reading glasses.

Hey, speaking of reading, I'm sure you've all been following my SF comic book series, Dark Matter, and are anxiously looking forward to the fourth and final issue of the opening arc.  It hits the shelves on Wednesday.  Here's a sneak peek of the first couple of pages:

April 5, 2012: Projects! Dark Matter #4 preview! Fat Dragon II: The Return!

Today, I completed my pass on the horror script, incorporating notes from Paul, Rob, Ivon, and Tara before sending it on its way.  It is now in the hands of my agent(s) who will take the weekend to read it and then get back to me early next week with their thoughts, notes, and/or tearful recriminations.

Now, I switch gears to do a polish on a couple of past pilots (and, hopefully, finish another one) so that our agent can be well-prepared to show off our work to interested parties.  Yesterday, we chatted about various opportunities, among them the possibility of working on a new series south of border (no, not Mexico).  For my part, I'm fairly content as I am in low gear work-from-home mode, but I sense my writing partner is getting a little antsy.  I told everyone that, at the end of the day, it all comes down to the show.  I'd be foolish to give it a pass on a great opportunity.  On the other hand, I'd be even more foolish to get involved in some half-ass, seat-of-your-pants production in which Paul and I would be expected to work miracles.

Whatever we decide, looks like we'll be heading to L.A. sooner than later to take some meetings and pitch some projects, our comic book series Dark Matter among them.  Following some great initial discussions with one potential partner for a proposed Dark Matter series/mini-series, talks have bogged down so I'm keen to test the waters by taking the project out to some other prospective players.

As for the comic book series, the fourth and final issue of the opening arc hits the shelves next week.  Here's a sneak peek at the first page (subsequent pages will be previewed in forthcoming blog entries):

Abandoned by one of their own, the remaining crew members are trapped planet-side as enemies orbit their position. Outnumbered and outgunned, their only hope rests with a suicidal last stand-and help from a most unlikely source…

Available: April 11, 2012

Today, Akemi and I were back at the new Fat Dragon Asian BBQ restaurant to sample – oh, almost everything we didn't try on our first visit…

Smoked Lamb Heart Larb with mint, bird's eye chili, and toasted rice.

Green Papaya and Cabbage Salad with lime, green chilies, and crispy shallots.

Jalan Alor Chicken Wings with malaysian marinade and iceberg lettuce.

Smoked Pig's Snout Fried Rice with seasonal vegetables, crispy garlic, and scallions.

Marinated and Smoked Crispy Tofu Bao Bun with bean sprout kimchi and light soy.

Smoked Sizzling Cauliflower with cashew gravy and vadouvan.

Fat Dragon Milk and Dark Chocolate Bars

As it turns out, there are still about a half dozen items we have yet to check out on the regular menu.

Round three perhaps?

Tagged: Fat Dragon

April 4, 2012: Potential pack members? We check out The Oakwood Canadian Bistro, Market by Jean-Georges, and Thierry.

"I am melting sleepy.  I can't take it anymore." – Akemi, last night, apparently VERY tired.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm considering adopting an elderly pug in memory of my boy Maximus.  I've been scouring the pug rescue sites and came across the twosome pictured above.  Buddy and Junior are brothers, aged 15 and 13 respectively, looking for a good home after being surrendered by an owner who was no longer able to care for them.  I was only considering one dog at first but these seem doubly in need – and the prospect of separating them is too heartbreaking to consider.  So I filled out the adoption paperwork and we'll see how it goes.  But given the fact that they are both seniors, the question that begs asking is: Will they be able to keep up with my pooches' high-octane lifestyle?

Yeah.  I think so.

A couple of fabulous meals out and about recently…

A few nights ago, we hit The Oakwood Canadian Bistro with Sarah and her boyfriend.

Some of the highlights included:

The All-Canadian Poutine with smoked brisket, cheese curds, and gravy. I could have done three of these and called it a night.

Now that Refuel is no more, Oakwood is one of the few places where you can get your burger made-to-order - in my case, a luscious medium-rare.

Then, the other day, a lunch outing…

Lisa (aka Phantom) slinks out of her lair to join us for lunch at Market by Jean-Georges.

The Black Truffle Pizza with fontina cheese.

Salmon Belly on crispy rice with chipotle emulsion and scallion.

For dessert, we took a walk down the block to Thierry.  Not a fan of the macarons here, but les gateaux sont delicieux!  We enjoyed a chocolate assortment:

The chocolate tart, the chocolate eclair, the chocolate succe (hazelnut meringue + chocolate mousse
+ 70% chocolate ganache = my favorite), and a couple of whisky truffles for good measure.

I'm about the jump on a conference call to discuss some future opportunities.  Should be interested.

Tagged: Market by Jean-Georges, Oakwood Canadian Bistro, Pug Rescue, pugs, Thierry Busset

April 3, 2012: Fat Dragon!

The other night, Akemi and I attended the soft opening of Fat Dragon, the latest addition to the Vancouver restaurant scene from the guys that brought you Fuel/Refuel, Campagnolo, and Campagnolo Roma. The theme is Asian barbecue – Where East meets South – and Fat Dragon offers a variety of southern comfort-style Asian plates inspired by dishes Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Korean, and Filipino.

The restaurant is located in one of Vancouver's more colorful sections, east of Gastown.  As a result, we were able to find parking right across the street.  We were welcomed by a bunch of familiar faces (Tom, Ted, Katherine to name a few and I spotted Chefs Rob, Ted, and A.J. busy in the kitchen) and shown to our table.  The room has a nice open brick feel that kind of reminded me of the original Campagnolo.

Although we were presented with the menu, there would be no ordering.  For this night only, the kitchen was calling the shots.

Hopefully Fat Dragon will be the first of many new restaurants to open in this underdeveloped section of town.

The spacious interior.

Akemi preps.

In keeping with the Asian theme, I wore my Hong Kong jacket and dragon cuffs.

Lightly Smoked Albacore Tuna with Korean chili and pickled vegetables.

Bao Buns: Crunchy Squid with scallions, coriander and special and special smoked chili salt, and Slow Smoked Beef Deckle with cabbage and caramelized peanuts.

Thick Cut Szechuan Peppercorn Cured Pork Belly with meat drippings and white bread.

Prime Beef Back Ribs with soy-brown sugar glaze and crispy sauce.

Long Beans with sambal and smoked almonds.

Smoked and Fried Cracked Dungeness Crab with fresh chilis, crispy shallots, and cilantro.

The Soft Serve Ice Cream Cone of the Day: kaffir lime.

Coconut Rice Pudding

We ate a lot and enjoyed it immensely.  And still, there were menu items we missed out on that I'm dying to check out on my return visit: the Smoked Lamb Heart Larb with mint, bird's eye chili, and toasted rice, the Smoked Kabocha Squas Bao Bun with QPD mayo and radish sprouts, the Smoked Pig's Snout Fried Rice with seasonal vegetables, crispy garlic, and shallots, the Slow Cooked Bone-in Lamb Belly with char siu marinade and orange, the Smoked Sizzling Cauliflower with cashew gravy and vadouvan, the Jalan Alor Chicken Wings with malaysian marinade and iceberg lettuce, and, of course, both the Fat Dragon Dark and Milk Chocolate Bars.

Looking forward to doing some culinary exploring in the weeks ahead.

Sayonara, y'all!

Tagged: Fat Dragon, Vancouver Restaurants

April 2, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Punisher (1989)!

Monster really looking forward to not seeing dis movie.  So looking forward, in fakt, dat me make planz to visit Wildwood New Jerzey for jellyfish mating seazon instead. Joe accuze monster of not trying hard enuf to find movie, but iz not true.  Me look everywhere for it!  Even check out speshulty video store dat have hard-to-find moviez NOBODY want to see like Howard de Duck, Showgirlz, and Tree of Life (Trip not total loss.  Me reserve advance copy of John Carter of Marz).  No dice.  Or Punisher.  So monster decide to take week off.  Me shopping for new flip flops (me got fungal infektion after lending last pair to Grover for his trip to Iziba) when get call from Joe.  He have not good newz!  Blog reader, kymm, find copy of Punisher for me. So instead of Wildwood trip, monster stay at home to do movie review.  Biggest trajedy is jellyfish.  How dey supposed to have seks witout people watching dem?

Punisher movie start off wit opening credit sekwence dat remind monster of Kwentin Tarantino parody of cheezy late 80′s action movie opening credit sekwence. So far, so good.  But den producerz get greedy and decide to release rest of movie.

Headbreak Hotel

Movie start wit mob boss going home after being akwitted of murdering family of cop.  Turn out dat cop very angry.  He now go by new name, Punisher, becuz dat what he do now: punish bad guyz dat commit crimez, punish screenwriter by butchering his dialog, punish viewerz by making dem sit thru his scenez.  Dolf Lundgrim play Punisher as cross between comic book charakter, Elvis, and not very good aktor wit shoe polish 5 o clock shadow.  But, boy, he kick some ass!

Hello, God. It me, Punisher.

He kill gangster, den go back home, aka de sewerz, where he strip down, oil up, and chat wit God about life and current affairz.  Punisher have only one friend = homeless stage aktor who quote Shakespeare and, sadly, miss some great opportunitiez to die.  He also have former friend and police partner, Iron Eagle, who trying to help him with plot-forwarding-cliche-computer-ekspert-female-cop-Sam.

Alas, poor York, I knew him Horshack. A fellow of infinite jest, excellent fancy pantz, and dislocated shoulderz.

New mob boss come to town and try to unite gangsterz.  But dey threatened by Yakuza boss Lady Tanaka who wear pinky thimble like 50 Cent used to back when he more street.  She also have crazy adopted blond daughter dat make good argument for old timey orfanages.  Lady Tanaka kidnap gangsterz kidz to get dem to cooperate – but kill gangsterz anyway AND sell de kidz into slavery.  She be one col' azz mofo!

Punisher crash club dat look like bad 80′s rock video (Old rich-looking white guy? Check!  Guy wit turban wit a blond on each arm?  Check!  Half-dressed super-muscular woman on stage?  Check!  Hey!  Where Dee Snyder?!).  He shoot up amuzement park and get captured and tortured.  But he tuff and full of witty one-linerz.    He eskape and reskue kidz, load dem on bus and drive away.  Bad guyz try to stop him by shooting at bus, but no one have bright idea to shoot out tirez. Punisher get away, spot police road block, speed up toward it AND…stop.  Ha!  Fooled ya!  Police not amuzed.  He arrested.

BUT he freed by new mob boss who need his help to save his son, only kid dat still wit Lady Tanaka!  Marvel Super Villain Team Up!  Eksellsior!!!

Dey take elevator up.  Shoot up room full of guyz wit swords.  Hobo Hamlet killz de elektricity and switch mood lighting to looorid red.  For some reazon.

Like Saturday night at Grover love shack.

Punisher fight crazy blond adopted daughter.  And snap her neck.

Take dat, bitch!

Not so fast, Punisher-san.

Halfway thru movie, producerz realize Lady Tanaka not quite stereotypikal enuf Japanese villain so dey dress her up like geisha for final fight.  Ah.  Much better.  She threaten to kill boy.  Punisher kill her wit knife to de head.  Den gangster boss try to kill Punisher.  But Punisher kill him first.  Den son want to kill Punisher.  But he not have de stones.  Son upset but, hey, whatyagonnado?

Verdikt: Plot aktually not bad.  But monster can't say same for Dolf Lundgrim.

Rating: 5 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

Pleaze diskuss.

Tagged: Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster Movie Review, Cookie Monster reviews The Punisher (1989), SuperMovie of the Week Club, The Punisher (1989)

April 1, 2012: Remembering Maximus

Today would have been Maximus's twelfth birthday.  I'd like to dedicate today's entry to his memory and offer up some of my favorite photos of my boy, "the handsome one".

Tagged: pugs

March 31, 2012: They're killing your pet. And you could be next!

I've been reading Marion Nestle's Pet Food Politics, a book that details the mass 2007 tainted pet food recall and its far-reaching implications.  For those of you who don't know, back in 2007, cats and dogs started dying under mysterious circumstances.  Panicked pet owners contacted the FDA which, in turn, contacted pet food companies.  Ensuing tests discovered the presence of melamine (used as a fire retardant, fertilizer, and in industrial plastics) and cyanuric acid (a chlorine stabilizer) in their products, two chemicals that, when combined, can result in kidney failure.  Further investigation revealed that their presence in the pet food was clearly not an oversight or mistake on the part of Chinese suppliers.   Melamine and cyanuric acid, it turns out, are added to animal feed by unscrupulous suppliers because they make the feed appear as though it contains high amounts of protein. In the case of the pet food ingredient coming in from China, wheat gluten was the culprit.

The book offers a fascinating and incredibly troubling overview of the scandal, the fall-out, and the possibility that it could happen again because there are no proper safeguards in place to protect our pets – and, apparently, the human food supply. Among the surprising revelations in Nestle's book is the fact that some of that tainted wheat gluten found its way into animal feed – chickens, pigs, and fish destined for dinner tables.

It may also interest you to know…

- Menu Foods, the company at the heart of the largest pet food recall in history (60 millions cans), manufactured pet food for 17 of the top 20 North American retailers. From cheap Walmart brands to high-end premium labels like Iams and Eukanuba, "they were all lumped together in one recall, all made at exactly the same place, all with virtually identical ingredients, and all made by one manufacturer." (Pet Food Politics, Marion Nestle – P. 14).  Menu Foods is criticized for waiting so long to issue a recall (about a month after the first reported cat deaths) and there is the implication that they would have waited even longer had their best customer, Proctor & Gamble, not forced their hand.  Menu Foods  was bought out by Simmons Pet Food in August 2010.

- Menu Foods had bought the contaminated wheat gluten from a company called ChemNutra, a Nevada-based importer of food, animal feed, and pharmaceuticals that has described itself as "The China-Source Experts".  The wheat gluten it sold to Menu Foods had come from a Chinese manufacturer, Xuzhou Anying Biologic Technology Development, that denied any knowledge of how the melamine got into the food and even denied shipping wheat gluten to the U.S.  However, a truck driver interviewed by a New York Times reporter revealed the company had a factory that made wheat gluten, a factory that was, suspiciously, shut down since the scandal broke.  There are suggestions the company ran a shipping scam, exporting the wheat gluten through another company (Suzhou Textiles Silk Light Industrial Products Arts and Crafts Import and Export Company) to bypass Chinese food inspection.

- The Chinese government shut down the companies associated with the scandal and detained its managers.  Neither, it seems, faced any criminal prosecution. Zheng Xiaoyu, the former head of the state food and drug administration didn't fare as well. He was accused of accepting $800 000 in bribes for drug approvals and subsequently executed.

- From 2006 to 2007, China was the largest supplier of food additives to the U.S. More than 50% of U.S. apple imports originated from China, 21% of seafood imports, and 24% of animal food products.

- The FDA is surprisingly ineffectual.  It doesn't have the power to issue recalls of harmful foods, only suggest voluntary recalls.  They are underfunded, receiving 20% of budgetary support to the USDA's 80% (even though the FDA is responsible for monitoring the safety of 80% of the food supply as opposed to the USDA's 20%). They are also undermanned.  In 2007, they were able to inspect only about 1% of the 25 000 daily food imports.  Of the 20 000 food products that came in from China in 2006, they were only able to inspect roughly 2%. (Pet Food Politics by Marion Nestle – PP. 146-147).

- The Canadian Food Inspection Agency is even less inclined to get involved in matters relating to the health and safety of our pets.  According to a spokesperson for the CFIA, Canada doesn't regulate pet food  because "We're the Canadian Food Inspection Agency.  We deal with food – and food is for humans." (Pet Food Politics by Marion Nestle – P. 158).

Which brings us to this week when I noticed Jelly was feeling under the weather, vomiting and drinking excessive amounts of water.  I brought her to the vet who checked her out and sent her home with some meds.  She was on the road to recovery when Bubba fell ill, exhibiting the same symptoms.  Was it mere coincidence that we had picked up a bunch of new treats for them earlier in the week?

According to the labels I checked, the products were made in North America – but that's small solace given that there's a difference between being made in North America with North America ingredients and being made in North America with ingredients from China, a distinction that is lost on some companies.  Add to this the fact that a couple of the pet food companies caught up in the recalls claimed to have no knowledge that some of their ingredients were sourced from China, and I'm erring on the side of caution.  The treats went into the trash.  At which point I turned my attention to the dog food I've been buying – Royal Canin and Hills both of which, it turns out, were part of the mass recall back in 2007.  Yesterday, I contacted both companies and asked them whether the ingredients in any of their products originate from China.  I've yet to hear back but will report their responses when I do.

While I was doing a little online research for this entry, I learned of another ongoing pet food issue.  Dogs are getting sick (600 reported cases including my sister's husky, Aspen) and all fingers point to chicken jerky treats from China, but no recall has been issued because, according to the FDA, "a definitive cause has not been determined".  Still, that hasn't stopped the FDA from linking three products to the recent problems:  Waggin' Train Chicken Jerky, Canyon Creek Ranch Chicken Jerky and Milo's Kitchen Home-Style Dog Treats, the first two made by the Nestle Purina Pet Care Company and the latter made by the Del Monte Corporation.

Back in July 2011, when first approached about the possibility that it's product may be making dogs sick, Waggin' Train responded: "…In 2007, the U. S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) issued a notice regarding dog illnesses, but was unable to determine a definitive cause of the illnesses or a direct link to chicken jerky products. To date, extensive testing performed by the FDA has not uncovered a contaminant or specific ingredient as the cause of any illness, including in Waggin' Train treats. It is widely accepted that any association between dog illnesses and chicken jerky is likely the result of dogs (primarily small dogs) consuming treats in excess of normal or recommended levels. Chicken jerky products should not be substituted for a balanced diet and are intended to be used occasionally, in small quantities. Consumers should read and follow the feeding guidelines found on Waggin' Train packages."  In other words: "It's not OUR fault.  It's YOUR fault."

Doubt it.

The attitude of the FDA, the CFIA, the government, and these pet food companies is maddening.  They say they care about the health of our pets but actions speak louder than words.  I don't trust any of them.  And, after reading Pet Food Politics, you may have reservations as well – when it comes to not only pet food safety, but the safety of the food you eat as well.

So, what can be done?  Well, you can start by getting involved, making some noise, writing your government and these pet food manufacturers to let them know you're worried and want to know what they're doing to address your concerns.

Educate yourself on your food sources.  Buy local as much as possible for both yourself and your pet.

And, if you can, start cooking for your pet.  Today, I'm picking up some chicken, beef, and veggies for the gang.  Will they be safer?  Probably?  Will they be happier? Definitely.

Tagged: chicken jerky treats, chicken jerky treats from China, Dogs, Marion Nestle, melamine, Menu Foods, Pet Food Politics, pet food recall