Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 497

May 27, 2012: A visit to the Richmond Night Market!

Last weekend, Akemi, Ivon and I checked out the Summer Night Market in Richmond.  This weekend, Akemi, Jessie and I checked out the similarly themed Richmond Night Market.

We arrived a little after 7:00 p.m. and, after winding our way and finding a spot in the massive parking area, walked to the entrance area.  Unlike the Summer Night Market, there’s a $1 admission fee per person.  Unlike the Summer Night Market, however, there are A LOT of varied food stands to choose from.  And, really, when it comes down to it, that’s what it’s all about.

A pictorial rundown of our outing:

We started with some great roti.  You get a choice of three meats (beef, pork, or chicken) that is stuffed into a sweet little pocket.  A little messy but oh so tasty.

An Osaka tradition: the okonomiyaki.  Good but I’ve been spoiled by Akemi’s home made okonomiyaki.

Roasted Pork hocks.  Nicely cooked.  The meat was surprisingly tender, the skin crunchy and a little daunting.  Akemi found it underseasoned.

The ladies show off the pork hock.  Make sure to ask them to cut it up for you!

The bulgogi burger.  Meh.  We were expecting bulgogi meat.  Instead, we got a regular beef patty topped with kimchee and bulgogi sauce (?).  I repeat: meh.

The takoyaki bomb!  Actually, I think it’s called a tenki, but I call it a takoyaki bomb because it’s the size of a tennis ball.  It comes in a variety of intriguing flavors.  I got the curry and was very impressed.  As were Jesse and Akemi who insisted they were full – until they sampled it.

When it comes to deep fried desserts, I always go for the Deep Fried Mars.  Pretty damn sweet – and Akemi kept trying to convince me I’d had enough – after only my first bite!

Mochi ice cream – ice cream covered with a mochi (sticky rice) coating.  The mathca (green tea) was hard and crystalized.  The vanilla was so-so.  But the clear winner – surprise surprise – was the mango.

Even though I was already well into the dessert stage, I couldn’t resist having a Taiwanese sausage.  This one was stuffed with a garlic sauce that was – well, sweet and a little weird.  Also, very garlicky!  So garlicky I regretted getting it – and I’m Italian!  I love garlic!

We capped off our food tour with some churros and ice cream.  The were okay.

Following our eat fest, I suggested we walk around and burn off the calories, secretly hoping we’d work up an appetite in the thirty minutes it would take us to cover the many vendors.  Alas, we stayed full – and didn’t really find much of interest.  As we took our stroll, I made a mental note of the top 3 things I would probably never buy at a night market.  In no particular order: contact lenses, underwear, and sushi. I checked out the dozen or so stalls selling assorted iPhone cases in the hopes of finding one bearing the S.H.I.E.L.D. insignia -

Like so!

Alternately, I would have loved to find one with an A.I.M. (Advanced Idea Mechanics) logo -

Like so!

OR a Hydra logo -

Like so!

Alas, no luck.  Akemi and Jessie, meanwhile, had even less luck as they were corralled into a sales pitch and were too polite to immediately extricate themselves -

I considered rescuing them but ultimately thought “Nah”.  This was a powerful lesson on the dangers of stopping at any sales stand if you’re the sole potential customers.

A great time was had by all.  Until we drove out, missed our turn, and then head to double-back, getting caught in a one hour traffic jam to leave Richmond.

And so, now that I’ve had the opportunity to compare the two night markets, I’d like to offer a comparison in very important categories:

LOCATION

Summer Night Market: Easily accessible by car but somewhat harder to get to by public transport.  There’s a bus stop within walking distance and shuttle bus service from the skytrain station.

Richmond Night Market: Equally accessible by car and is easily accessible by the new Canada Line station.  Unfortunately, if you’re driving, traffic is a mess and you should expect long bumper to bumper waits.  Brutal.

EDGE: Summer Night Market.

FOOD

Summer Night Market: Roughly fifty food stands with a lot of repeats.  On my last visited, I counted about five different places selling potatoes-on-a-stick.  Variety would be nice.

Richmond Night Market: About three to four times as many food stands with some incredible variety.

EDGE: Richmond Night Market

VENDORS

Summer Night Market: About a third less of the vendors selling the same bargain-bin items.

Richmond Night Market: More vendors but A LOT of similar items being sold.

EDGE: Let’s call this one a draw.

COST

Summer Night Market: Free.

Richmond Night Market: $1 admission.

EDGE: I’m calling this one a draw.  Unless you’re treating fifty of your closest family members.

WINNER: Richmond Night Market.  Like I said, it’s all about the food. Get there early, 6:00 p.m. to beat the crowd, stuff your face and go.

Tagged: Richmond Night Market, Summer Night Market

May 26, 2012: News of note and a mailbag!

13 acts done and only three to go on the miniseries front!  More or less.  I’m taking the rest of the day off to check out Vancouver OTHER night market.  Hopefully, this one will offer less than a half dozen variations of curly hurricane fries.

Some news of note:

Our friend Tara announces an exciting new mystery writing project: *Sparkle Sparkle*.  What could it be?

My fries are too angry!  For the inspired chef looking for something different: Season Your Food With Salt From Real Human Tears

Mama Mia! http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/may/2…eese-production

I’ve often said that, of all the possible deaths out there, the way I least want to go would be in some fashion that lands me in the News of the Weird section of the internet or as some fodder for late night comedians.  To wit: Man dies while getting lap dance at strip club « News and Views …  And this: Farmer, 2 sons drown in manure pit…  While not a unique death, we can nevertheless file this one under “as bad”: Man Loses His Penis to a Flesh-Eating Bacteria After Failed Penile Implant Surgery

No time for second thoughts, grandma.  You’re jumping out of this plane!  WATCH: 80-Year-Old Nearly Falls Out Of Harness While Skydiving  In retrospect, maybe you were right about the whole “second thoughts” thing.

Place your bets on who will be the new DC Comics gay superhero!  http://www.paddypower.com/bet/novelty-bets/comic-specials?ev_oc_grp_ids=689080.  I’ll take Guy Gardner at 14-1.

I saw this on South Park the other day and it pretty much sums up my opinion of a lot of the film and television being produced today.  Not for the easily (and even not so easily) offended: http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/388737/rated-arg-for-pirates

You know what?  Screw the night market.  I’m waiting for these guys to open: http://www.luckysdoughnuts.com/

AND the mailbag:

Randomness writes: “Speaking about writers for your mini series Joe, I was kinda hoping to see the name Brad Wright on something new on TV, any plans to hire him for your writing team Joe? I actually would love to see him writing more Science fiction stuff.”

Answer: The miniseries we’re presently working on is a freelance gig.  It’s a four hour event and, once we’ve completed work on the script, we’ll be moving on.  The Dark Matter miniseries, on the other hand, would be something we would want to produce as well as write – but, at this point, it’s just a pitch supported by a four-issue comic book and series overview.  If we’re fortunate enough to get the green light, then Paul and I would certainly be looking to tap the most talented writer-producers we know to help us – coincidentally, the same bunch we worked with on Stargate.  If they’re available and, of course, interested, we’d love to work with Brad, Rob, Carl, Martin, and Alan again.

Speaking of Brad, he’s got a number of SF projects in the works.  I’ll keep my ear to the ground for you…

Randomness also writes: “Secondly, watching any anime lately Joe?”

Answer: Akemi and I are working our way through Gintama.  We’re 132 episodes into its 250+ episode run.  The last anime series I watched independent of Akemi was Deadman Wonderland.  Meh.  Before Deadman Wonderland, I very much enjoyed Steins Gate.

Bolt Bait writes: “Joe, when you do a mailbag, do you ever answer questions from past blog entries or only the one directly previous to the one where you are answering questions?  In other words, if I’m really curious about something, should I post once or should I post every day until you get tired of seeing my question and finally break down and answer it?”

Answer: You should post again – especially if I give you the heads up that I’ll be doing a mailbag.  Prior to doing a mailbag, I’ll usually check out the past 3-5 days’ worth of questions.  Be persistent!

majorsal writes: “can you use your super hero/villain powers and make MGM green-light the stargate combo movie?”

Answer: Wish I could.

dasndanger writes: “Joey, I’m pretty sure you’ve had Vosges chocolate, and I know you’ve done the bacon thing, but back when you last tried the chocobacon bar, was it available in dark chocolate?”

Answer: I’ve tried both the milk and dark chocolate versions.  While good, I much prefer the truffle version I used to get for my chocolate parties.  When it comes to the Vosges bars, I’m partial to the Habana (milk chocolate and plantain).  I also love their peanut butter bonbons.

JeffW writes: “I guess my mailbag question would be, if you could only visit one on a trip, which restaurant would you recommend? Diva at the Met, or Fat Dragon? Or someplace else altogether?”

Answer: Hmmm.  That’s a tough one.  I suppose it depends on your food preferences and budget. Lately, I’ve become a big fan of Gastown’s L’Abbatoir.  Quercia is always great for Italian but you have to book in advance.  For more casual fare, might I suggest Peaceful Restaurant on West Broadcast (corner of Cambie) or La Tacqueria for some awesome tacos.

Lee writes: “I’d like to know your thoughts on SyFy canceling Sanctuary? I tend to agree with most people on Facebook with Stargate and Sanctuary gone I will not have any reason to watch SyFy once Eureka wraps this season.”

Answer: I never watched Sanctuary.  I can only weigh in insofar as I knew a lot of the people who worked on the show and, on that personal level, I feel badly for them.  After years of working on a show, your co-workers become like family.  During my time on Stargate, I spent more time with my fellow writer-producers than I did with my own wife and I’m sure it was no different on Sanctuary.

Ponytail writes: “1. Joe can you say anything more regarding what your horror script is about, except that it is a horror script?”

Answer: Not yet but, once I finish work on this miniseries, I’ll be jumping on the rewrite so that I can hopefully get it out before summer’s end.  I’ll tell you more about it in the coming months.

“2. What did you finally decide two open doors and the alarm going off was?”

Answer: I decided to go with “forgot to lock the back door”.  ”Lulu playing a practical joke” was a close second.

shaneac1 writes: “Question can you give a hint as to the network the SF mini series might be airing. Also have you any thoughts on new yomato series (space battleship yomato 2199) chapter 1 was just realease on DVD/blu ray today.”

Answer: I don’t know whether a North American sale has been made yet.

Patricia Stewart-Bertrand writes: “A question I would like to ask you is, do you ever use your dreams as fodder for your writing? Edgar Allan Poe was known to take advantage of the trips he’d experience from taking drugs to create his macabre stories. Where do you get your ideas?”

Answer: On the rare occasions I can remember my dreams, they are usually so weird that the defy use in any sensible narrative.  My ideas usually come from discussions with friends or spring from other completely different notions.  Occasionally, they’ll come about as a result of my misconstruing the direction of a t.v. show I am watching or a book I am reading – I’ll think to myself “What a great idea!” only to realize that’s not the direction they’re going at all.

llyes writes: “Hey Joe, what did you think of house’s series finale?
personally i was a little confused”

Answer: Hey, I’m still trying to figure out how the police were able to lift House’s fingerprints from some tickets that had been flushed down a toilet in the last episode.  The last episode did leave a bunch of questions unanswered, questions like: “How did House end up in that burning building with the patient?  How did the fire start?  How did House know the exact moment Wilson was delivering his eulogy so that he could send the “shut up” text message?”  And, the biggest question of all: “How the heck did House switch the hospital dental records and fake his own death?”  He wouldn’t have had a chance to do it after the fire which suggests he already had the plan in place before he went to the warehouse.  Meaning the patient was already dead?  And if that was House’s plan all along, why was most of the episode dedicated to his deciding whether or not to save himself and live – especially since living meant helping to make Wilson’s last few months all the more  meaningful.  The latter would have been a huge issue and, since a lot of the discussion was a physical manifestation of his internal debate, the fact that it was never mentioned felt like a huge cheat.

profmadmax writes: “Joe any chance of getting Michael Shanks to drop by the blog? Looking forward to seeing Saving Hope on NBC here!”

Answer: Why, yes.  I’ll drop him a text once I’ve finished work on the miniseries.

May 25, 2012: News of note and a mailbag!

13 acts done and only three to go on the miniseries front!  More or less.  I’m taking the rest of the day off to check out Vancouver OTHER night market.  Hopefully, this one will offer less than a half dozen variations of curly hurricane fries.

Some news of note:

Our friend Tara announces an exciting new mystery writing project: *Sparkle Sparkle*.  What could it be?

My fries are too angry!  For the inspired chef looking for something different: Season Your Food With Salt From Real Human Tears

Mama Mia! http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/may/2…eese-production

I’ve often said that, of all the possible deaths out there, the way I least want to go would be in some fashion that lands me in the News of the Weird section of the internet or as some fodder for late night comedians.  To wit: Man dies while getting lap dance at strip club « News and Views …  And this: Farmer, 2 sons drown in manure pit…  While not a unique death, we can nevertheless file this one under “as bad”: Man Loses His Penis to a Flesh-Eating Bacteria After Failed Penile Implant Surgery

No time for second thoughts, grandma.  You’re jumping out of this plane!  WATCH: 80-Year-Old Nearly Falls Out Of Harness While Skydiving  In retrospect, maybe you were right about the whole “second thoughts” thing.

Place your bets on who will be the new DC Comics gay superhero!  http://www.paddypower.com/bet/novelty-bets/comic-specials?ev_oc_grp_ids=689080.  I’ll take Guy Gardner at 14-1.

I saw this on South Park the other day and it pretty much sums up my opinion of a lot of the film and television being produced today.  Not for the easily (and even not so easily) offended: http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/388737/rated-arg-for-pirates

You know what?  Screw the night market.  I’m waiting for these guys to open: http://www.luckysdoughnuts.com/

AND the mailbag:

Randomness writes: “Speaking about writers for your mini series Joe, I was kinda hoping to see the name Brad Wright on something new on TV, any plans to hire him for your writing team Joe? I actually would love to see him writing more Science fiction stuff.”

Answer: The miniseries we’re presently working on is a freelance gig.  It’s a four hour event and, once we’ve completed work on the script, we’ll be moving on.  The Dark Matter miniseries, on the other hand, would be something we would want to produce as well as write – but, at this point, it’s just a pitch supported by a four-issue comic book and series overview.  If we’re fortunate enough to get the green light, then Paul and I would certainly be looking to tap the most talented writer-producers we know to help us – coincidentally, the same bunch we worked with on Stargate.  If they’re available and, of course, interested, we’d love to work with Brad, Rob, Carl, Martin, and Alan again.

Speaking of Brad, he’s got a number of SF projects in the works.  I’ll keep my ear to the ground for you…

Randomness also writes: “Secondly, watching any anime lately Joe?”

Answer: Akemi and I are working our way through Gintama.  We’re 132 episodes into its 250+ episode run.  The last anime series I watched independent of Akemi was Deadman Wonderland.  Meh.  Before Deadman Wonderland, I very much enjoyed Steins Gate.

Bolt Bait writes: “Joe, when you do a mailbag, do you ever answer questions from past blog entries or only the one directly previous to the one where you are answering questions?  In other words, if I’m really curious about something, should I post once or should I post every day until you get tired of seeing my question and finally break down and answer it?”

Answer: You should post again – especially if I give you the heads up that I’ll be doing a mailbag.  Prior to doing a mailbag, I’ll usually check out the past 3-5 days’ worth of questions.  Be persistent!

majorsal writes: “can you use your super hero/villain powers and make MGM green-light the stargate combo movie?”

Answer: Wish I could.

dasndanger writes: “Joey, I’m pretty sure you’ve had Vosges chocolate, and I know you’ve done the bacon thing, but back when you last tried the chocobacon bar, was it available in dark chocolate?”

Answer: I’ve tried both the milk and dark chocolate versions.  While good, I much prefer the truffle version I used to get for my chocolate parties.  When it comes to the Vosges bars, I’m partial to the Habana (milk chocolate and plantain).  I also love their peanut butter bonbons.

JeffW writes: “I guess my mailbag question would be, if you could only visit one on a trip, which restaurant would you recommend? Diva at the Met, or Fat Dragon? Or someplace else altogether?”

Answer: Hmmm.  That’s a tough one.  I suppose it depends on your food preferences and budget. Lately, I’ve become a big fan of Gastown’s L’Abbatoir.  Quercia is always great for Italian but you have to book in advance.  For more casual fare, might I suggest Peaceful Restaurant on West Broadcast (corner of Cambie) or La Tacqueria for some awesome tacos.

Lee writes: “I’d like to know your thoughts on SyFy canceling Sanctuary? I tend to agree with most people on Facebook with Stargate and Sanctuary gone I will not have any reason to watch SyFy once Eureka wraps this season.”

Answer: I never watched Sanctuary.  I can only weigh in insofar as I knew a lot of the people who worked on the show and, on that personal level, I feel badly for them.  After years of working on a show, your co-workers become like family.  During my time on Stargate, I spent more time with my fellow writer-producers than I did with my own wife and I’m sure it was no different on Sanctuary.

Ponytail writes: “1. Joe can you say anything more regarding what your horror script is about, except that it is a horror script?”

Answer: Not yet but, once I finish work on this miniseries, I’ll be jumping on the rewrite so that I can hopefully get it out before summer’s end.  I’ll tell you more about it in the coming months.

“2. What did you finally decide two open doors and the alarm going off was?”

Answer: I decided to go with “forgot to lock the back door”.  ”Lulu playing a practical joke” was a close second.

shaneac1 writes: “Question can you give a hint as to the network the SF mini series might be airing. Also have you any thoughts on new yomato series (space battleship yomato 2199) chapter 1 was just realease on DVD/blu ray today.”

Answer: I don’t know whether a North American sale has been made yet.

Patricia Stewart-Bertrand writes: “A question I would like to ask you is, do you ever use your dreams as fodder for your writing? Edgar Allan Poe was known to take advantage of the trips he’d experience from taking drugs to create his macabre stories. Where do you get your ideas?”

Answer: On the rare occasions I can remember my dreams, they are usually so weird that the defy use in any sensible narrative.  My ideas usually come from discussions with friends or spring from other completely different notions.  Occasionally, they’ll come about as a result of my misconstruing the direction of a t.v. show I am watching or a book I am reading – I’ll think to myself “What a great idea!” only to realize that’s not the direction they’re going at all.

llyes writes: “Hey Joe, what did you think of house’s series finale?
personally i was a little confused”

Answer: Hey, I’m still trying to figure out how the police were able to lift House’s fingerprints from some tickets that had been flushed down a toilet in the last episode.  The last episode did leave a bunch of questions unanswered, questions like: “How did House end up in that burning building with the patient?  How did the fire start?  How did House know the exact moment Wilson was delivering his eulogy so that he could send the “shut up” text message?”  And, the biggest question of all: “How the heck did House switch the hospital dental records and fake his own death?”  He wouldn’t have had a chance to do it after the fire which suggests he already had the plan in place before he went to the warehouse.  Meaning the patient was already dead?  And if that was House’s plan all along, why was most of the episode dedicated to his deciding whether or not to save himself and live – especially since living meant helping to make Wilson’s last few months all the more  meaningful.  The latter would have been a huge issue and, since a lot of the discussion was a physical manifestation of his internal debate, the fact that it was never mentioned felt like a huge cheat.

profmadmax writes: “Joe any chance of getting Michael Shanks to drop by the blog? Looking forward to seeing Saving Hope on NBC here!”

Answer: Why, yes.  I’ll drop him a text once I’ve finished work on the miniseries.

May 25, 2012: An inspired dinner at Diva at the Met!

Yesterday, I hit the 151 page mark of the SF miniseries Paul and I are working on.  That’s 12 acts down and four to go!  I celebrated by going out for a nice dinner.

Surprisingly, it’s been a while since I sat down to an inspired multi-course meal.  Even more surprisingly was where we enjoyed it last night: Diva at the Met, the somewhat staid restaurant in the Metropolitan Hotel where the Stargate gang and I used to go for their signature burgers topped with foie gras, short rib, crispy onions and white truffle oil (on the occasions when Chris Judge would join us, he’d actually have two!).

It had been a while since I’d been to Diva, but I’d heard intriguing talk of a new chef, Hamid Salimian, seasonal ingredients, and touches of modernist cuisine.

We (who am I kidding?  I!) elected to go with the seven course Chef’s Tasting Menu.  Not every dish was a home run, but the thought that went into their creation and presentation made every one an entertaining and, ultimately, delightful experience.

To start, we were served five “diva snacks”, small bites to tantalize the tastebuds…

Olive oil marshmallows with marshmallow powder.  The olive oil flavor was very subtle, slightly more pronounced in the powder that possessed a touch of sweetness.

Baked potato and chive – served in chip form.  Akemi loved this one. The little sour cream dollops in the center gave it a real Sour Cream & Onions Chip flavor.

The foie gras walnut.  Nope, it’s not a walnut.  It’s a tiny of foie gras shaped to resemble a walnut.  The shavings adorning the quince puree?  THAT’s walnut.

Beet ice with goat cheese and hazelnuts.  This one was a lot of fun.

Elderberry foam.  Akemi liked this one a lot with its partially-melted cotton candy consistency, but the elderberry triggered my gag reflex.  Sorry, it’s a flower thing and the same reason I avoid any of the rose syrup desserts at Indian restaurants.

My dining companion on this evening.

My dining companion’s dining companion on this evening.

Wasn’t crazy about the bread, but liked the butter – sprinkled with a brown butter crumble.

First course: Green almond, radish, heart of palm, and yogurt vinaigrette.  The most beautiful dish of the night but it happened to be my least favorite.  It was my first time having green almond.  Crunchy, slightly sour, it paralleled a lot of the tartness going on in this dish.  I wasn’t a fan of the earthy hearts of palm, but both Akemi and I enjoyed the cucumber.

Second course: Scallop tartare served with taramasalata, black radish, and cilantro.  This dish was a marvel of flavor and textural contrast – a little sweet, a little sour, a little bitter, a little salty, crunchy, creamy.  It even had a hint of spiciness.  I asked my waitress about it and she attributed to the taramasalata, but taramasalata isn’t traditionally spicy.

Third course: Razor clams with crispy sunchokes, hon shimeji mushrooms, and tarragon.  A clever combination of some similarly subtle and textural ingredients.

Fourth course: Spot prawn with fava bean, chermouta, and basil.  One of the top plates of the evening features lightly grilled local spot prawn (in season) served with a smoky, spicy Middle-Easter twist.

Albacore tuna with salsa romesco, artichokes, quail egg, and eggplant.  The tuna was cooked sous-vide and brushed with a dark sauce our waitress informed us was squid mayo (squid ink mayo?) and was imbued with a strong olive flavor.

Course six: Duo of lamb served with saffron crisp, kidney beans, an dstone-dried lime.  Damn, that lime cream packs a wallop.  Still, it married nicely with the lamb.  One of preparations was a lamb neck (possibly braised?) that proved fall-apart-tender and utterly delicious.

Course seven: Rhubarb foam and pearl served with gin jelly and spruce.  Technically accomplished, Akemi loved it, but I would preferred to hardier (ie. chocolate) dessert.

Serving was great.  The only real thumbs down I would give would be to the ambience of the restaurant.  Like I said, the dining room is very staid and quite dark – this despite the fact that, by the time we got out of there a little after 7:00 p.m., it was still very sunny.

An enjoyable meal.  According to our waitress, Chef Salimian changes up the menu items every week, so we’ll definitely have to plan a return visit for late June.

I’m going to try to get around to doing a mailbag this weekend, so if you’ve got a question, post it!

Today entry is dedicated to blog regular Chev.  Happy Birthday, Maryanne!

May 24, 2012: My tortured soul. And eyes.

If what they say is true about the eyes being the mirror to the soul, then my soul must be tortured because my eyes are positively tortuous (April 6, 2012: Tortuosity and Dark Matter!).

Yes, it’s true.  My last visit to the opthamologist confirmed it.  My eyes are, indeed, tortuous – meaning my retinal vessels are, in layman’s terms, “all squiggly like”.  This could be indicative of a number of alarming medical conditions: diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, a lack of oxygen to the brain (which, quite frankly, would explain a lot). OR it could be genetic and perfectly normal (in 13.3% of cases.  I don’t like them odds).  Anyway, on the advice of my opthamologist, I followed up with my doctor who, after declaring my blood pressure perfectly normal, in turn referred me to an eye specialist – who I visited yesterday.

I arrived ten minutes early for my appointment in the unlikely event they were making good time and wanted to bump me up (I say unlikely but it’s never happened in my lifetime).  I took a seat in a surprisingly packed waiting room where I filled out one of those “First Time Visit” questionnaires (Do you do drugs?  You checked yes?  Great. You’ll be in Room 4 meeting with Officer O’Malley) and then passed the time listening to the muzak being piped through the speaker directly above my chair.  I’m not sure, but I think it might have been “Greatest Lute Hits”.

Finally, they called my name and I was ushered into a tiny room where I was informed I would be getting drops to “freeze my eyes”.  I imagined the thin liquid surface of my eyeballs crystallizing to twin cataract-like shields, cracking into intricate spiderweb fissures with a double flick of the assistant’s fingers.  ”This may hurt a little,”she warned as she applied the drops.  Hurt?!  As it turned out – yes, a bit. I sat up and wiped the liquid from my eyes (and by liquid I mean the excess drops and not my actual tears because, of course, I don’t cry) at which point she produced this tiny pen-like instrument.  ”Now I’m going to check your eye pressure,”she informed me.  ”I’m going to tap your eyeball with this.”

“You are?”

“Don’t worry,”she said.  ”Your eyes are frozen and you won’t feel anything.”

Do you realize how hard it is to keep your eye open will getting your eyeball poked?  Very hard.  Go ahead, try it.  Just give your iris a light tap with your pinky finger.  Try not to blink.

I blinked.  A lot.  So she ended up having to do both eyes twice. “How’s it looking?”I asked.

“You doctor will discuss the results with you,”she replied.

What did THAT mean?!

I was then instructed to peer through a machine, first one eye, then the other, and read a row of numbers and letters.  I was feeling fairly confident until I realized that, while my answers for the first two easy rows were the same for both eyes, my responses for the more challenging final two rows different significantly: 8?  No, B.  No, 8. Wait…it’s a Caduceus!

It was back to the waiting room for more lute music.  I was able to pass the time in fairly consistent anxiety, first doing a google search for “eye pressure test” on my cell phone which led me to a second google search for “glaucoma” which inevitably led me to a third search for “glaucoma treatments”.  It didn’t look good for your truly.  From what I could read – and given my sudden blurred vision and inability to focus, it wasn’t much – the pressure check was a test for glaucoma.  The fact that the assistant who performed the test was unwilling to reveal a normal reading (after all, if it was normal why wouldn’t you?) suggested I’d failed.  Now, the question was how serious the glaucoma and what kind of irreversible damage had already been done to my vision?  Also, what kind of treatment would I be looking at?  Had I caught it in time?  Would medication suffice? Or would I require laser or more invasive surgeries?

Another fifteen minutes wait before I was summoned into another room.  I was asked to peer into another machine and asked to focus on the picture of a distant hot air balloon that came in and out and back into focus, then asked to repeat some more lines – first the right eye, then the left eye.  Again, the answers didn’t match up.  I tried to joke around with this second assistant, but she’d have none of it.  She was either a highly unpleasant individual or, more than likely, had already heard the results of my eye pressure test and been stricken by an overwhelming sadness.

It was back to the waiting room for more of the  lute serenade, then my name was called again and I was directed to take a seat in a narrow hallway.  My chair was so low I felt like I’d been exiled to the kids’ section.  As I sat and waited, I vowed to make the most of my good seeing days.  I’d no longer put off reading those books I’d been meaning to get around to.  I’d accelerate my productivity and complete those half-finished scripts languishing on my laptop.  I’d get around to watching the last few seasons of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia!  I’d live life to the fullest!

The door in front of me swung open.  A patient left and my name was called.  I walked in and took a seat.  As the doctor shut the door, I braced myself.  Here it came.

“So, when did you first notice the toruosity?”she asked.

I told her it had been brought to my attention while I was in Toronto, then confirmed by a local opthamlogist just last month.

“There could be a number of explanations,”she said.

“High blood pressure,”I offered helpfully.

“Have you had your blood pressure checked recently?”

I told her I had.  My blood pressure was normal.

“Well, aside from high blood pressure, you could be looking at other possibilities.”

“Diabetes?”I suggested.

“Did you have a fasting blood test when you went in for your physical?”

I told her I had and, now that she mentioned it, I realized the doctor had never called me with the results.  Maybe no news is good news.

“Or it may mean they misplaced the results,”said Debbie Downer.  ”You should follow up.”

I said I would.

“Okay then,”she said.  ”My first concern would be blood pressure.”

“My blood pressure was fine,”I reaffirmed, suddenly struck by a sensation akin to tuning into an episode of your favorite series only to discover it’s a clip show.  ”What else?”

“That’s it,”she said.

“What about the eye pressure test?”I asked.

“Your eye pressure’s fine.”

No glaucoma but my eyes are tortuous, that’s what this visit to the specialist revealed.  In other words, it reconfirmed what my local opthamologist had already confirmed what the opthamologist in Toronto had discovered.

P.S. I followed up with my doctor’s office and was told that they had received the results but the doctor hadn’t asked for a follow-up appointment.  This, she told me, usually signified the results came back normal.  Or, I thought, they were so bad that he assumed I’d passed away in the interim and what was the point.

May 23, 2012: Lulu scampers loudly and carries a big stick!

I was sidetracked today by an eye doctor’s appointment, several phone calls, and a slew of emails that kept me from the task at hand – that task being, of course, the SF (near future) miniseries I’m writing with Paul.  In order to keep to my act a day pace, it looks like I’ll have to work through the night, so this will be a short but undeniably sweet dog-focused blog entry.

Ooooh, lookit the doggies!

Tagged: french bulldog, french bulldogs, pug, pugs

May 22, 2012: Running the miniseries marathon! And the Dark Matter TPB is on its way!

If this miniseries were a marathon, these last two legs would have been all uphill.  I’m exhausted but have passed the halfway mark and, while I forge ahead, keeping to my grueling act a day pace, Paul is following a few steps back – reading, revising and making sure everything actually makes sense. Once I complete my rough first draft, I’ll start going over his revised version, make any necessary tweaks (rare given my writing partner’s talent for solid, tightly structured narratives) and then it’ll be smoooooooooth sailing.

Until we get the script notes.

But they shouldn’t prove problematic.  While production preps, we’ll address the notes and, in no time at all, turn around a second draft everyone can get behind afterwhich it’ll be smoooooth sailing.

Unless they want us to do a polish.

One of the nice things about this one is that it’s just a writing assignment.  No producing involved.  No concept meetings, casting sessions, budget discussions, early morning calls and late night wraps, long afternoons in the editing room.  We just deliver the script and move on to the next thing – and the next thing for me will be either Vegas, San Francisco, or Hawaii.  My agent informed me we’re about to close a deal to develop a show with another production company, which is fine – provided I can do it from the beach, a black jack table, or a picnic table by a wharfside restaurant that sells oyster po’boys on sourdough buns.

OR it can wait until I get back.

Also waiting for me when I get back will be a rewrite on that horror script and some discussions on the Dark Matter front.  By the way, the release date for the trade paperback that collects the first four issues of our Dark Matter comic book series hits the stands October 10, 2012. It will include all four issues of the opening arc as well as a sketch gallery in which editor Patrick Thorpe walks us through the early character, costume and ship designs, AND a kick-ass, never-before-seen alternate cover for issue #1.

Speaking of kick-ass covers, artist Garry Brown (who was kind enough to swing by the blog and take part in a reader Q&A.  Check it out here: May 18, 2012: Dark Matter artist Garry Brown answers your questions!) runs the table by doing the honors on the cover for the trade paperback as well.  Here’s a sneak peek:

DARK MATTER VOLUME 1: REBIRTH TP

Joseph Mallozzi (W), Paul Mullie (W), Garry Brown (A/Cover), and Ryan Hill (C)

On sale Oct 10

FC, 104 pages

$14.99

TP, 7″ x 10″

It goes without saying that your continued support would go a long way toward helping make the Dark Matter television series (or miniseries) happen.  So pick up a copy and be sure to tell your friends!

You know what, your friends are forgetful.  Better pick them up a copy. They’ll pay you back.

 

Tagged: comic, Comic Books, Dark Matter, Dark Matter comic book, film & television, scriptwriting, writing for television

May 21, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Blankman!

Calling dis movie “a comedy” be like calling orange soda “juice”. Blankman aktually offer less den 5% of de daily rekommended serving of laffs.  It start promising enuf, den go downhill faster den a carob birtday cake delivery truck wit no brakes.  Or a movie written by a ten year old – which me suspekt dis is.

Movie open wit great scene of two boyz trying to watch Batman. Recepshun bad so little genius create antenna using aloominum foil, string, and toilet (coinsidentally, dis also eqwipment Grover use to make his Blue Belly Crank ®All Rights Reserved, White Crunch Productions – a subsidiary of Grover Inc.).  It work!  Den toilet overflow.  When grandma find out, she storm into room and we cut to opening creditz wit old-style Batman sound effekts – POW! BAM! – substitooting for grandma’s ass-whooping.  Monster tink dis great stuff. Could it be dis movie get even higher rating den Rocketman and bring rath of angry blog reader Das down on Cookie?

Fast-forward.  Kidz grown up.  One, Kevin, a player with de ladies.  De other, Daryl, a nerd.  Damon Wayons play him wit all de skill and suttlety of aktor who flunk out of De Jerry Lewis Akademy for Performing Artz.

NEEEEEERD!

Daryl invent all sort of useless tings inkluding a green poshun dat make his clothes bulletproof.  Monster don’t know how and don’t know why. And neither does writer of movie becuz he not bother to explain.

Like most sucksessful nerdz, he invent someting.

At dis point, movie turn surprizingly poignant, like dat time Andrew Dice Clay cry on Arsenio.  Grandma killed by gangster.  On way back from funeral, Daryl save woman from purse snatcher.  He catch de bug. No, not taxoplasmosis dat mebbe explain his stoopid behavior (brain damage).  Me talking about de “superhero bug”!  Daryl sew hisself an outfit, attach some gadjets to his belt, and go off to fight crime!

Ready to kick it – lame style.

He try to fight crime and get beat up, but saved by brother Kevin. Den trown in jail for akting crazy.  Kevin bring him to visit psykiatrist but doktor tink Kevin de crazy one.  Dis scene aktually work well and almost convince monster mebbe dis IS a comedy, but den rest of movie convince me otherwize.

Daryl get big brake when he help deliver baby in elevator.  Suddenly, he a real superhero: Blankman!  Everybody love him inkluding seksy reporter who Kevin in love wit.  She go on date wit him, kiss him, and in movie’s biggest WTF scene, Daryl get his first erektion and dance around like he have poopy cramps.  Ah, comedy gold!  For some reazon, seksy reporter find dis adorable.

Hilarious horniness

Everyting great for Daryl until mayor taken hostage in bank by gangster (same one who kill Daryl and Kevin’s grandma).  Daryl goes into bank to save Mayor but place rigged wit ekspolsives and he have to leave.  Bank blow up.  Mayor die.  For some reazon (aka de plot call for it) police and publik blame Blankman.  Daryl decide to hang up his cape and give up on life.  What he do?  Become hermit?  Worse.  Kill hisself?  Worse even!  He get job at McDonaldz!

And tings get even worse for Daryl when fate (and demandz of lame script) intervene.  Gangster  kidnap reporter!  Daryyl have to retire from fast food bizness and join Kevin to save de girl!

Partnerz in dorkiness

Dey save girl wit help of robot dat look like cyborg Cookie Monster.  But gangster get away so we can stretch out dis painful movie even longer. Daryl and Kevin show up.  Kevin dare bad guyz to shoot him.  Dey do. He get shot.  Den Daryl say to Kevin: “Forgot to tell you: only my clothez bulletproof.”  Hohoho.  Is funny because he not shot in face, crap his pantz, and scream like guy who cross Oscar de Grouch dat one time.

Daryl/Blankman use rocket bootz to catch gangster.  Gangster arrested. Blankman a celebrity again.  Kevin to lesser extent.  Daryl worried dat reporter not love him for who he is but really only love Blankman.  However, turn out everyting okay becuz he just love stoopid socially awkward guyz like most women monster don’t know. She kiss him and movie end wit extended poopy cramp dance as Daryl get another boner.  Sure.  Why not?

Nerd gets de girl – only in de movies

Verdikt: Rocketman dis aint.  Heck, it not even Meteor Man.

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie frontloaded in first five minutes of movie.

Letz refresh our palate wit Fantastic Four.  Monster big Jessika Alba fan and really looking forward to…

Wait?  What?  Dis movie not have Jessica Alba?  It earlier verzion? Mebbe still good though…

Nope.  Mebbe not.

Tagged: Blankman, Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster reviews Blankman, film reviews, movie reviews, superheroes, SuperMovie of the Week Club

May 20, 2012: Disappointing Dinners!

The plan was to get together with the boys this afternoon and continue our Game of Thrones season 2 marathon (this is how guys spend Sunday afternoon’s during the NFL off-season), but schedules didn’t line up (Ivon has a meeting with his parole officer, while Lawren’s girlfriend is hosting her Oprah’s book club meeting and he promised he’d stay home and bake scones) so I ended up working instead.  As a result, I ended up completing the eighth act of the miniseries Paul and I are writing.  That’s two hours, eight acts, and 106 pages down – and roughly the same amount to go.  I’m only at the halfway mark!

Between these fairly intense and exhausting writing sessions, I’ve taken the occasional break to head out with the dogs, do some readings, and go out for the occasional meal.  There was a time in my life I would eat out every night.  Now, the majority of my meals are enjoyed at home, and my last few dinners out haven’t exactly made me nostalgic for the old days.  It’s been disappointment after disappointment after disappointment.  Not even the food offerings of the annual Summer Night Market were able to live up to my relatively low expectations.

Last night, Ivon joined Akemi and me in checking out the annual Summer Night Market (not to be confused with the very similar Richmond Night Market we’ll be checking out next weekend, now with even lower expectations).  No one goes to these things for the flea market sales.  They go for the food.  And the food on this night was mostly unmemorable or downright disappointing.  I’m not why the organizers felt they needed half a dozen food stands all serving the same fried potato sticks.  On the other hand, I felt bad for the sushi vendor who, despite the crowds, was seeing no business at all.  I felt sorry for them, but not sorry enough to buy and eat night market sushi.

Akemi, daintily eating her corn.

Ivon and I sample The Hurricane Potato, not to be confused with The Original Hurricane Potato which was even busier. I think that next year, Ivon and I will open our own stand and call it The Original Original Hurricane Potato.

Akemi finds the extra spicy curry fish balls extra spicy indeed.

A selection of skewers. Cold bacon-wrapped asparagus, way-too-fatty lamb, and tender but kind of bland chicken.

I consider the Taiwanese sausage. It was actually quite good.

While Ivon enjoys the enormous pork bun he picked up.

What would a night market be without some takoyaki? When I saw that one of the options was “cheese”, I wasn’t thinking parmesan.

The mini waffles came in matcha (green tea) and original flavors. I found them unremarkable, but Ivon and Akemi seemed to enjoy them.

Another disappointing dinner took place the other day when we checked out a new(ish) seafood restaurant in Gastown.  Among the lowlights: a bland lobster salad containing nominal lobster, some overdone tagliatelle with crab, some terribly underdone brussel sprouts, and a couple of desserts I actually felt sad eating because they looked  like they’d commanded a fair amount of effort but the results had been so disastrous.

These would’ve been more successful had they actually been cooked through.

And then there was dinner the other night at an old (sort of) favorite. Following a salad that tasted like it should be good for you (and I mean that in the not nicest way possible), we followed with three pasta dishes we shared.  The first, a spaghetti, was perfectly al dente and the accompanying sauce was simple and flavorful, if not a little less thick than on our last visit.  The second, a rigatoni, was also nicely cooked, but the accompanying sauce was unremarkable.  The third, a tagliatelle special (what is with tagliatelle?) was an overcooked mash that inevitably clumped together.  We decided to take the pastas to go, figuring Akemi might enjoy them the next day, if not the last two then certainly the spaghetti.  Moments later, our waitress returned with two boxes and informed us that one of the other servers who’d helped clear our table had mistakenly tossed our leftover spaghetti in the trash. The guilty server swung by our table to offer a half-hearted apology, then suggested our lack of leftovers should prove ample motivation for us to return and try the dish again.  I was…surprised, especially given the fact that they know me.  Granted, I didn’t expect them to go through the trouble of eating the $3 cost of the plate and making me a fresh serving, but it would have been nice to have been comped a dessert. Anyway, we left and I vowed it would be a long time before we made a return visit.

All three of us enjoyed the spaghetti – Akemi, myself, and the trash bin.

And those were just our last three dinner outings.  Equally underwhelming were past visits to other restaurants, a few of which had always consistently in the past: three Italian, one Vietnamese, and Caribbean place (What was I thinking?  This is Vancouver!).  The only luck I’ve had in the past month has been with lunches.  The porchetta sandwich at Meat & Bread and the tacos at Tacqueria never fail to impress.

Ultimately, a disappointing dinner outing stings on many levels. There’s the waste of time, the waste of money and, perhaps most maddening, the waste of calories.  I could’ve just stayed home and braised a lamb shank.

May 19, 2012: Amateur Blogging Made Difficult: My Top Ten Tips for the Online Personal Journalerer. Er.

So, despite having done this for over five years now, I apparently break all the fundamental rules of successful blogging.  I don’t market my blog, make money off it through advertising, stick to a single niche or dedicated theme, and, perhaps worst of all, do not limit myself to the recommended weekly entry.  Instead, my daily ramblings cover everything from Tokyo maid cafes to my hatred of ceviche and kiwis (not to be confused with Newsies, the people of New Zealand).  Sure, I could make it easier on myself by not being so prolific, but I’m on a roll here – five years’ worth of continuous daily blogging! – and just can’t bring myself to stop now.

Daily blogging is not without its challenges.  Yes, I’m a writer, but you’re sorely mistaken if you believe (like my ex sister-in-law) that I “just sit around all day, making stuff up”.  I can’t just turn it on and off like my friend, Martin Gero, does comedy (P.S. If you ever run into him on the street, ask him to say or do something funny.  You won’t be disappointed.).  I need to be inspired.  Or, if not inspired, then at least have a somewhat interesting topic to discuss.  Every day I wake up wondering “What am I going to blog about today?” and, eventually, it hits me – sometimes right that moment, sometimes late in the evening when I’m in a half lucid state from eating too much chocolate and ice cream.  Sooner or later, something comes.

Like today, for instance, when I received the following question from KevininNS: “Was wondering if you could comment sometime on your blog preparation/planning process? Do you have a set schedule/routine for it? Since you’ve written every single day, with a wide variety of content, i’m thinking you probably do.  Although since you’re also a writer by occupation, maybe you don’t.”

And that’s when it hit me, today’s blog topic: I would write about having nothing to write about.

Well, that’s not exactly true.  Although it seems like a lead a glamorous and exciting life filled with eroticism and high-adventure, the fact is my life is not all that different from yours (minus your funny hats but plus my awesome collection of supervillain statues).  I do have an edge however.  Being a writer, I can make the most mundane experiences sound interesting and inviting, like traveling to Tokyo and visiting 29 restaurants (totaling 34 Michelin stars) in two weeks or, say, working in television. It aint easy, but it can be done.

So to answer your questions, Kevin, little if any preparation goes into this blog.  I blog at all hours of the day, covering a variety of topics, with no schedule or routine because I am in a perenially panicked state. When will I have time to update my blog?  Is this topic interesting enough?  Will my failure to comment on her comment for two successive mailbags offend blog regular Das?

The reality is that coming up with a constant source of material for daily blogging can be tough.  Fortunately, I have some tips to make the daunting and drudgerous task of writing for others a simple and relatively pleasant experience:

1. Try to do at least one interesting thing a day (ie. making your own oatmeal or watching old episodes of Vampire Diaries out of order) and write about it.  In the event what you do isn’t interesting, then take a picture of it and post that.

2. Upload embarrassing and potentially incriminating photos and videos of yourself.  Don’t worry.  The internet is a place where nameless individuals come together in love, respect, and mutual support.  That’s why it was invented, after all.

3. When blogging, always try to write something you know nothing about.  Take the reader along with you on your journey of discovery.

4. Drink while blogging.  Booze makes you more charming.  Not most people, but you.

5. Schedule one epic rant every 7-8 months to bring in new readers. Choose an easy target most people can line up against (ie. Polygamous Walruses or Buddhists Who Don’t Tip).

6. Set your blog apart from all the others by adopting a unique writing style.  Old English would be ideal but, if you’re not fluent, then try peppering your articles with random words in Welsh or Tagalog. Alternately, you might want to consider writing in another accent. British for instance: “I say, that was a positively smashing entry, wot?”.

7. Come up with catchy titles for your entries (ie. “White-faced Saki Monkey Wins Parcheesi Championship!” or “Five Easy Steps to Wealth, Weight Loss, and Marriage to that Celebrity You’re Obsessed With!”). Don’t forget the exclamation marks!!!

8. Leave comments on other high-traffic sites and don’t forget to include backlinks to your blog.  Make sure your comment is succinct and engaging (“I think we may hooked up the last time I was in town!).

9. Readers today have the attention spans of caffeinated meerkats so make sure your blog stands out.  Grab their attention and keep it by festooning your home page with hyper-kinetic multi-colored visual elements: emoticons, funny gifs, flashing borders and multiple frames and sub-frames.  Take a page out of MySpace’s success story.

10. This goes without saying, but there’s nothing more frustrating than reading a sloppy article.  Before you hit publish, make sure you’ve prfread your work!

Tagged: Amateur Blogging Made Difficult, blog, Blogging, blogging advice, online journal, top ten tips for the online personal journaler, Writing