BikeSnobNYC's Blog, page 38
September 6, 2017
Sorry I'm late, I forgot I wasn't on vacation anymore.
***Two things: 1) Read the Bike Forecast; B) Register for the NYC Century; 3) That's it, I said only two things, remember?***
Remember back in the hindquarters of the Dachshund of Time:
When athletes knew how to dress?
Pugilists wore tights and sashes and didn't skimp on the hair cream:
Swimmers wore stripey "prison chic" unitards:
And cyclists dressed like Waldo from "Where's Waldo?"
Well you'll be pleased to know that today's Fredly fashions are now seeking inspiration from the sartorial spirit of yesteryear. Meet the Café du Cycliste Annabelle bib shorts, complete with integrated base layer:
Even in hot weather (the Colorado front range frequently experiences temps in the high 90s) the Annabelle bibs felt airy and comfortable. Café du Cycliste touts the upper as efficient when it comes to moisture-wicking, and that seemed to play out on the road. Perhaps this was more noticeable because the Annabelles don’t have any bib straps to rub against the rider’s shoulders and chest, which leads to discomfort and chafing — especially when the skin gets coated in sweat. The built-in base layer distributes the weight of the bibs evenly across the shoulders and sits flush against the back and chest, which contributes to a second-skin feel.
Am I the only person who's never experienced chafing from my bib short straps? I mean sure, my nipples are all calloused from breastfeeding, but still. Regardless, always make sure to use this product in conjunction with the appropriate mustache:
Alas, there was only one problem with old-timey athletic costumes, which is that they didn't include foam hats:
See, everybody knows bicycle helmets are over 100% effective. This is why cyclist head injuries no longer occur in places where they are mandatory, such as Australia and Seattle. Here's an infographic to help you understand:
(Helmets = Immortality)
Also, did you know that 99.9% of helmetless cyclists who were hit by drivers had it coming? It's true, I read it in the Constitution, or the Bible, I forget which:
Anyway, there's only one problem with helmets, and it's this:
How do you sell even more of them?
Step 1 was convincing people that not wearing a helmet is tantamount to suicide.
Step 2 was making them believe that something made out of a material that will remain in the environment until roughly the end of time somehow needs to be replaced every few years.
Step 3 was telling you that you need more vents and charging you more money for less helmet.
Step 4 was telling you that now you need fewer vents (to wit: Giro Air Attack).
And here comes the latest innovation, which is having a different number of vents for absoutely everything, which is what Oakley is now going for:
Oakley claim venting at the side and the back creates a vortex for the air to be pushed out the back to make you faster, which is why prominent venting still appears on the aero road and TT helmets. The BOA system used on the two road helmets is unique to Oakley, and instead of a cradle that fits all the way around your head there is a subtle lace either side, which not only adds to the comfort but also makes it far easier to fit your eyewear under your helmet (we tried it with some Oakley shades, it certainly works a treat). Vents on the front of the ARO 3 and 5 are also designed to hold your shades easier when the sun goes in.
Everything in bicycle marketing is like the miracle of the loaves and the fishes. Remember how they managed to turn the road bike into four bikes? (That's "all-around road," "aero road," "endurance road," and "gravel" in case you're having trouble keeping track.) Now you've got to choose a different Oakley helmet depending on which one of those bikes you're riding. Not that offering lots of different helmets is a new thing, but whereas it used to be the range would go from cheap to expensive, now they're all expensive but can only be used in certain situations. At this rate it's only a matter of time before the discriminating Fred or Frederica will be expected to have at least as many $200 helmets as they have socks.
Of course you could always just skip the helmet altogether, but then you wouldn't be able to participate in sanctioned bicycle races, Gran Fondos, or massive charity rides--plus you'll find yourself on the receiving end of all sorts of scorn from the Fredly Do-Right set.
In other words, there's pretty much no downside.
Finally, here's the fixed gear gravel "edit" you knew deep in your heart had to happen someday:
You've got to give 'em credit for coming up with something even more boring than the trackstand.
Remember back in the hindquarters of the Dachshund of Time:
When athletes knew how to dress?
Pugilists wore tights and sashes and didn't skimp on the hair cream:
Swimmers wore stripey "prison chic" unitards:
And cyclists dressed like Waldo from "Where's Waldo?"
Well you'll be pleased to know that today's Fredly fashions are now seeking inspiration from the sartorial spirit of yesteryear. Meet the Café du Cycliste Annabelle bib shorts, complete with integrated base layer:
Even in hot weather (the Colorado front range frequently experiences temps in the high 90s) the Annabelle bibs felt airy and comfortable. Café du Cycliste touts the upper as efficient when it comes to moisture-wicking, and that seemed to play out on the road. Perhaps this was more noticeable because the Annabelles don’t have any bib straps to rub against the rider’s shoulders and chest, which leads to discomfort and chafing — especially when the skin gets coated in sweat. The built-in base layer distributes the weight of the bibs evenly across the shoulders and sits flush against the back and chest, which contributes to a second-skin feel.Am I the only person who's never experienced chafing from my bib short straps? I mean sure, my nipples are all calloused from breastfeeding, but still. Regardless, always make sure to use this product in conjunction with the appropriate mustache:
Alas, there was only one problem with old-timey athletic costumes, which is that they didn't include foam hats:
See, everybody knows bicycle helmets are over 100% effective. This is why cyclist head injuries no longer occur in places where they are mandatory, such as Australia and Seattle. Here's an infographic to help you understand:
(Helmets = Immortality)
Also, did you know that 99.9% of helmetless cyclists who were hit by drivers had it coming? It's true, I read it in the Constitution, or the Bible, I forget which:
Anyway, there's only one problem with helmets, and it's this:
How do you sell even more of them?
Step 1 was convincing people that not wearing a helmet is tantamount to suicide.
Step 2 was making them believe that something made out of a material that will remain in the environment until roughly the end of time somehow needs to be replaced every few years.
Step 3 was telling you that you need more vents and charging you more money for less helmet.
Step 4 was telling you that now you need fewer vents (to wit: Giro Air Attack).
And here comes the latest innovation, which is having a different number of vents for absoutely everything, which is what Oakley is now going for:
Oakley claim venting at the side and the back creates a vortex for the air to be pushed out the back to make you faster, which is why prominent venting still appears on the aero road and TT helmets. The BOA system used on the two road helmets is unique to Oakley, and instead of a cradle that fits all the way around your head there is a subtle lace either side, which not only adds to the comfort but also makes it far easier to fit your eyewear under your helmet (we tried it with some Oakley shades, it certainly works a treat). Vents on the front of the ARO 3 and 5 are also designed to hold your shades easier when the sun goes in.
Everything in bicycle marketing is like the miracle of the loaves and the fishes. Remember how they managed to turn the road bike into four bikes? (That's "all-around road," "aero road," "endurance road," and "gravel" in case you're having trouble keeping track.) Now you've got to choose a different Oakley helmet depending on which one of those bikes you're riding. Not that offering lots of different helmets is a new thing, but whereas it used to be the range would go from cheap to expensive, now they're all expensive but can only be used in certain situations. At this rate it's only a matter of time before the discriminating Fred or Frederica will be expected to have at least as many $200 helmets as they have socks.
Of course you could always just skip the helmet altogether, but then you wouldn't be able to participate in sanctioned bicycle races, Gran Fondos, or massive charity rides--plus you'll find yourself on the receiving end of all sorts of scorn from the Fredly Do-Right set.
In other words, there's pretty much no downside.
Finally, here's the fixed gear gravel "edit" you knew deep in your heart had to happen someday:
You've got to give 'em credit for coming up with something even more boring than the trackstand.
September 5, 2017
I'm back! Your life now has meaning again, and mine remains devoid of it.
We're five days into September, the Bike Forecast is operational once again, my Outside column never stopped, and here I am typing hand-curated content into this here online wordhole.
Having said all that, the first person to point out that #crossiscoming gets a shot right to whatever their particular genitalway is:
(Some douchebag taking a shot to whatever particular genitalway he has.)
Speaking of bike racing, it looks like Cannondale-Drapac is folding or may fold or or who cares really, but not if the man who was for a time the World's Most Powerful Fred can help it:
Earlier this week, the Cannondale-Drapac pro cycling team announced that unless it could raise $7 million fast, the team would fold at the end of the season. Riders were pre-emptively released from their 2018 contracts—freeing them up to seek employment elsewhere, which they indicated they would do if two weeks pass without a solution—and the world of men's pro road racing was thrown into a tailspin.
Wait, do you really need to be released from a pro cycling contract to apply for a job at Starbucks?
I can't believe anybody would actually check.
Anyway, Jonathan Vaughters recently called squandering revenue on a cycling team "
Quickly, the team started an Indiegogo crowdfunding campaign in an attempt to raise some capital. Within hours, thousands of fans had contributed. As of this writing, the effort has raised more than $355,000. The Fairly Group, a financial consulting firm, promised to match all donations up to $2 million.
Enter John Kerry, accomplished cyclist and noted Serotta enthusiast:
32-spoke wheels? Check.Steel bike? Check.
Helmet dangling jauntily from handlebars? Check.
On the phone because who gives a shit? Check.
I can get behind all of these things, especially the "I only a helmet because they make me wear it for the charity ride" gesture.
So how did Kerry come to Cannondale-Drapac's rescue? Well, by "making calls," presumably from the cockpit of his Serotta:
As a fan of the team, Kerry reportedly began “making calls” trying to help bring in new sponsors and donors. According to the political newspaper The Hill, team owner Jonathan Vaughters said in an email that Kerry “is a longtime friend and supporter of cycling. He’s been especially supportive during this trying time. He’s done his best to reach out to various people and corporations that could help us survive this situation.”
"Making calls" of course the investment equivalent of when the NYPD says "the investigation is ongoing" or the kid in the store says "I'll go check in the back," and you'll Notice Kerry didn't cough up any of his family's sweet ketchup money himself:
See, "Big Condiment" ain't dumb, and squandering a bunch of cash on a bike racing team is the sort of flashy act of desperation you'd expect from hipster condiment like Sriracha:
But certainly not the Big Three of ketchup, mayo, and mustard.
(Via here.)
But what if you're looking to waste a bunch of money and you'd rather spend it on equipment than on a cycling team? Well, good news! Meet the Silca TATTICO Bluetooth® mini-pump:
If you're unfamiliar with Silca, they're a hoary old cycling brand that used to be synonymous with quality and craftsmanship but is now by all appearances a company Jason Bateman's character in "Ozark" is using to launder drug money. Remember their $125 hex key set?
Well, it's positively pragmatic compared to this thing:
As the riding and racing we do becomes ever longer, over ever more extreme surfaces in ever more remote locations, highly accurate and repeatable air pressure measurements have become more critical than ever before.
No longer does your roadside flat repair need to get you just the 12 miles home, but may have to get you through the next 12 hours or even the next 12 days of your event.
For those who push the ultimate limits of body and machine, we've developed TATTICO Bluetooth® which embeds a highly accurate Bluetooth® pressure transducer inside of our award winning TATTICO mini-pump, allowing you to read highly accurate pressure on your Apple or Android device any time, any place.
Being this fastidious about tire pressure has absolutely nothing to do with pushing the "ultimate limits of body and machine," though it does have everything to do with pushing the limits of anal retention and a stratospherically high sphincter torque. In fact, I'm fairly sure that's what their next product will be:
The Silca Bluetooth® Sphinctometer is fabricated entirely from aerospace grade titanium, and it works similarly to a spoke tension meter:
Just insert and squeeze.
Lastly, on a far less whimsical note, I mentioned this on the Bike Forecast today but it bears repeating. A man and two teenagers in Villa Platte, LA were hit by a driver while walking along a street with no sidewalk, and the police charged them for...not wearing reflective clothing:
This is, to put it indelicately, fucking obscene, so please sign the petition:
The Ville Platte, Louisiana, Police Department (VPPD) and the Evangeline Parish Sheriff’s Office (EPSO) was found by the Department of Justice in December of 2016 "to engage in a pattern or practice of conduct that violates the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution" and instead of its politicians condemning the police and sheriff for such behavior they support and encourage it and actively use the police and sheriff for punitively enforcing mobility limiting and Civil Right violating policies, such as the walking curfew and mandating reflective clothing when walking.
Regardless of where you're Black, whether it be in the metropolitan cities of Los Angeles & New York or in rural Ville Platte, Louisiana, you deserve justice. You deserve #TransportationEquity #BicycleEquity.
Thank you.
Feel that?
It's the sensation of your sphincter loosening a few newton-meters.
Having said all that, the first person to point out that #crossiscoming gets a shot right to whatever their particular genitalway is:
(Some douchebag taking a shot to whatever particular genitalway he has.)
Speaking of bike racing, it looks like Cannondale-Drapac is folding or may fold or or who cares really, but not if the man who was for a time the World's Most Powerful Fred can help it:
Earlier this week, the Cannondale-Drapac pro cycling team announced that unless it could raise $7 million fast, the team would fold at the end of the season. Riders were pre-emptively released from their 2018 contracts—freeing them up to seek employment elsewhere, which they indicated they would do if two weeks pass without a solution—and the world of men's pro road racing was thrown into a tailspin.
Wait, do you really need to be released from a pro cycling contract to apply for a job at Starbucks?
I can't believe anybody would actually check.
Anyway, Jonathan Vaughters recently called squandering revenue on a cycling team "
Quickly, the team started an Indiegogo crowdfunding campaign in an attempt to raise some capital. Within hours, thousands of fans had contributed. As of this writing, the effort has raised more than $355,000. The Fairly Group, a financial consulting firm, promised to match all donations up to $2 million.
Enter John Kerry, accomplished cyclist and noted Serotta enthusiast:
32-spoke wheels? Check.Steel bike? Check.
Helmet dangling jauntily from handlebars? Check.
On the phone because who gives a shit? Check.
I can get behind all of these things, especially the "I only a helmet because they make me wear it for the charity ride" gesture.
So how did Kerry come to Cannondale-Drapac's rescue? Well, by "making calls," presumably from the cockpit of his Serotta:
As a fan of the team, Kerry reportedly began “making calls” trying to help bring in new sponsors and donors. According to the political newspaper The Hill, team owner Jonathan Vaughters said in an email that Kerry “is a longtime friend and supporter of cycling. He’s been especially supportive during this trying time. He’s done his best to reach out to various people and corporations that could help us survive this situation.”
"Making calls" of course the investment equivalent of when the NYPD says "the investigation is ongoing" or the kid in the store says "I'll go check in the back," and you'll Notice Kerry didn't cough up any of his family's sweet ketchup money himself:
See, "Big Condiment" ain't dumb, and squandering a bunch of cash on a bike racing team is the sort of flashy act of desperation you'd expect from hipster condiment like Sriracha:
But certainly not the Big Three of ketchup, mayo, and mustard.
(Via here.)
But what if you're looking to waste a bunch of money and you'd rather spend it on equipment than on a cycling team? Well, good news! Meet the Silca TATTICO Bluetooth® mini-pump:
If you're unfamiliar with Silca, they're a hoary old cycling brand that used to be synonymous with quality and craftsmanship but is now by all appearances a company Jason Bateman's character in "Ozark" is using to launder drug money. Remember their $125 hex key set?
Well, it's positively pragmatic compared to this thing:
As the riding and racing we do becomes ever longer, over ever more extreme surfaces in ever more remote locations, highly accurate and repeatable air pressure measurements have become more critical than ever before.
No longer does your roadside flat repair need to get you just the 12 miles home, but may have to get you through the next 12 hours or even the next 12 days of your event.
For those who push the ultimate limits of body and machine, we've developed TATTICO Bluetooth® which embeds a highly accurate Bluetooth® pressure transducer inside of our award winning TATTICO mini-pump, allowing you to read highly accurate pressure on your Apple or Android device any time, any place.
Being this fastidious about tire pressure has absolutely nothing to do with pushing the "ultimate limits of body and machine," though it does have everything to do with pushing the limits of anal retention and a stratospherically high sphincter torque. In fact, I'm fairly sure that's what their next product will be:
The Silca Bluetooth® Sphinctometer is fabricated entirely from aerospace grade titanium, and it works similarly to a spoke tension meter:
Just insert and squeeze.
Lastly, on a far less whimsical note, I mentioned this on the Bike Forecast today but it bears repeating. A man and two teenagers in Villa Platte, LA were hit by a driver while walking along a street with no sidewalk, and the police charged them for...not wearing reflective clothing:
This is, to put it indelicately, fucking obscene, so please sign the petition:
The Ville Platte, Louisiana, Police Department (VPPD) and the Evangeline Parish Sheriff’s Office (EPSO) was found by the Department of Justice in December of 2016 "to engage in a pattern or practice of conduct that violates the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution" and instead of its politicians condemning the police and sheriff for such behavior they support and encourage it and actively use the police and sheriff for punitively enforcing mobility limiting and Civil Right violating policies, such as the walking curfew and mandating reflective clothing when walking.Regardless of where you're Black, whether it be in the metropolitan cities of Los Angeles & New York or in rural Ville Platte, Louisiana, you deserve justice. You deserve #TransportationEquity #BicycleEquity.
Thank you.
Feel that?
It's the sensation of your sphincter loosening a few newton-meters.
September 1, 2017
Hiatus Interruptus #4
Okay, so come Tuesday I'll finally be firing up this whole bike-blogging media machine again, at which point the whole rickety contraption will start sputtering to life in a cloud of putrid black smoke. In the meantime, however, here's my latest column for Outside, which is all about why short rides are awesome:
Yes, in case you didn't know, long rides are totally déclassé should be consigned to the recycling bin along with 23mm tires and that hideous Kelme cycling jersey that somehow infiltrated your wardrobe, though I predict they'll mysteriously come back into style just as soon as my children are grown up and out of the house.
Funny how that works.
Oh, and speaking of my Outside column, you'll be pleased to know the trendy gravel tire I purchased in my last one performed admirably on some actual Vermont gravel:
And don't worry, at a tasteful 30-ish miles this particular excursion still qualified as fashionably short.
OK, that's it for me. I'm off to nurse the last few sips of my vacation, and I'll see you all back here on Tuesday, September 5th, assuming I don't decide to retire between now and then.
Ride safe,
--Wildcat Rock Machine
Yes, in case you didn't know, long rides are totally déclassé should be consigned to the recycling bin along with 23mm tires and that hideous Kelme cycling jersey that somehow infiltrated your wardrobe, though I predict they'll mysteriously come back into style just as soon as my children are grown up and out of the house.
Funny how that works.
Oh, and speaking of my Outside column, you'll be pleased to know the trendy gravel tire I purchased in my last one performed admirably on some actual Vermont gravel:
And don't worry, at a tasteful 30-ish miles this particular excursion still qualified as fashionably short.
OK, that's it for me. I'm off to nurse the last few sips of my vacation, and I'll see you all back here on Tuesday, September 5th, assuming I don't decide to retire between now and then.
Ride safe,
--Wildcat Rock Machine
August 25, 2017
Hiatus Interruptus #3:
Hello!
I've been away so long I can hardley remmmember how to tipe or speal. Nevertheless I'm going to attempt to hold it together for long enough to tell you that my new Outside column is up and available FOR FREE (!) on the World Wide Worldwideweb:
Not only is it a particularly good one*, but it's also based on actual firsthand experience:
So there you go.
Okay, that's enough outta me, now back to the grind:
Your's truley,
--Wildcat Rock Machine
*Oh, who am I kidding? They're all good, because I am awesome.
I've been away so long I can hardley remmmember how to tipe or speal. Nevertheless I'm going to attempt to hold it together for long enough to tell you that my new Outside column is up and available FOR FREE (!) on the World Wide Worldwideweb:
Not only is it a particularly good one*, but it's also based on actual firsthand experience:
So there you go.
Okay, that's enough outta me, now back to the grind:
Your's truley,
--Wildcat Rock Machine
*Oh, who am I kidding? They're all good, because I am awesome.
August 18, 2017
Hiatus Interruptus #2:
[DISHEVELED BLOGGER IN HAWAIIAN SHIRT SHUFFLES IN]
Just ducking back in to let you know my latest for Outside is now available for your perusal!
It's just the thing to help you waste what's left of your Friday afternoon.
I only hope Sarah Bell of Colorado likes it as much as she liked my last column:
Something tells me she will.
Anyway, that's it from me. Enjoy and ride safe! And rest assured I'll be back when I've got something else to flog.
Now back to the hiatus.
[SHUFFLES OUT WHILE SIPPING MAI TAI]
--Wildcat Rock Machine
Just ducking back in to let you know my latest for Outside is now available for your perusal!
It's just the thing to help you waste what's left of your Friday afternoon.
I only hope Sarah Bell of Colorado likes it as much as she liked my last column:
Something tells me she will.
Anyway, that's it from me. Enjoy and ride safe! And rest assured I'll be back when I've got something else to flog.
Now back to the hiatus.
[SHUFFLES OUT WHILE SIPPING MAI TAI]
--Wildcat Rock Machine
August 15, 2017
Hiatus Interruptus #1
Remember how yesterday when I announced my end-of-summer break I said I'd let you know if another media outlet published some of my genius?
Well another media outlet has published some of my genius:
I must say I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out.
When the hell is this city gonna make me the Bike Czar already?!?
Also, while I'm here, in today's Bike Forecast I mentioned this story:
But what I didn't mention was this:
In 2015, he tweeted: “The time when you first take your brakes off and feeling like you’re in a lucasbrunelle movie,” in apparent reference to an American bike stunt film-maker.
Oy.
This of course inspired me to head over to Brunelle's Twitter to see what he's been up to. And what has he been up to? Making videos of himself messing with people who (justifiably, I'm quite sure) don't want to ride with him:
That kid grew up to be Lucas Brunelle.
Anyway, now back to our regularly-scheduled hiatus!
I love you,
--Wildcat Rock Machine
Well another media outlet has published some of my genius:
I must say I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out.
When the hell is this city gonna make me the Bike Czar already?!?
Also, while I'm here, in today's Bike Forecast I mentioned this story:
But what I didn't mention was this:In 2015, he tweeted: “The time when you first take your brakes off and feeling like you’re in a lucasbrunelle movie,” in apparent reference to an American bike stunt film-maker.
Oy.
This of course inspired me to head over to Brunelle's Twitter to see what he's been up to. And what has he been up to? Making videos of himself messing with people who (justifiably, I'm quite sure) don't want to ride with him:
Banned from riding with this group, guess I’m a bad influence https://t.co/5QSq2Kimse #badreputation #fuckit #roadporn #cycling— Lucas Brunelle (@lucasbrunelle) July 29, 2017Remember the kid who tackled everybody too hard when you were playing ball, and when you finally told him you didn't want him playing with you anymore he took the ball and threw it over the fence?
That kid grew up to be Lucas Brunelle.
Anyway, now back to our regularly-scheduled hiatus!
I love you,
--Wildcat Rock Machine
August 14, 2017
This Just In: End-Of-Summer High-Ate-Us!
I am an extremely humble individual.
At the same time, it would be disingenuous of me to pretend that I'm not the world's greatest living cycling writer.
Yeah, relax there, Sammy, I said living writer.
And yes, I do consider Mark Twain a cycling writer, since he wrote probably the most entertaining essay ever written on the subject before the safety bicycle was even invented.
Alas, if only he'd had access to lifesaving bicycle helmet technology he might still be alive today:
Just kidding! I really shouldn't joke about that stuff, because last time I made an obviously false statement about a literary figure the Paris Review picked it up and ran with it:
Fake news indeed.
So where am I going with all this? Well, all of this is an extremely long-winded way for me to tell you that after today I'll be signing off of this blog [with some important exceptions]* until...September 5th, 2017:
(What I'm assuming things will look like by then.)
See, after ten (10) whole years of blogging I've officially reached the point where I can take a great big selfish end-of-summer hiatus. Plus, as the world's greatest living cycling writer I need longer-than-usual breaks in order to nurture and cultivate my genius. You know how giant animals have longer gestation periods? It's the same when you possess the massive intellect and bottomless spiritual profundity that I do.
Also, now that I'm on Strava I need to devote more time to data analysis:
(Strava is going to destroy my life, I see that now.)
Then there's the family stuff:
(Some other family, not mine. They look like vacuous people who contribute nothing.)
I'd like to spend more time with them before the summer's up, even if the feeling's not entirely mutual.
Hey, when they get tired of me there's always Strava.
So what about those exceptions I referred to earlier? Well, here they are:
*Hiatus Exceptions
1) The Bike Forecast: I'll still be updating that daily through the end of this week;
2) Outside : My acclaimed column will continue to take the world by storm on a weekly basis during my absence, so I'll be sure to duck in here whenever they put up a new one;
3) Miscellaneous: If any other media outlet publishes some of my genius while I'm gone I'll pop in and flog that as well. (Or, if they publish someone else's idiocy and I'm sufficiently inflamed I might come here to vent about it.)
Then there's always Twitter, a medium in which I am delightfully pithy and frothily provocative.
As you can see, winding down my vast media empire for a simple end-of-summer recess is like stopping a freight train...or a brakeless fixie, depending on which cliché you prefer.
Speaking of my extracurricular writings, I do recommend you check out today's Bike Forecast update as it pertains to a New York Times op-ed I found rather troubling:
Also, regarding my latest for Outside:
It generated the usual enthusiasm on their Facebook page:
Sarah Bell Eben Weiss perhaps you are the problem. As both a cyclist and runner I use the pedestrian paths in Colorado extensively. For both safety and courtesy I say "on your left" and appreciate anyone who does the same. You seem really uptight. Maybe you should try getting some exercise.
Colorado, huh?
Yeah, sounds about right.
And with that, I bid you a-doo. Thank you very much for indulging me during this lengthy but necessary leave-taking, enjoy the rest of August, and may all your rides be transcendent, or at the very least free from flats.
Thank you also for reading the words I type into this magical box, I remain eternally grateful.
Yours sincerely,
And so forth,
Etc, and so on,
--Wildcat Rock Machine, Fredsquire
At the same time, it would be disingenuous of me to pretend that I'm not the world's greatest living cycling writer.
Yeah, relax there, Sammy, I said living writer.
And yes, I do consider Mark Twain a cycling writer, since he wrote probably the most entertaining essay ever written on the subject before the safety bicycle was even invented.
Alas, if only he'd had access to lifesaving bicycle helmet technology he might still be alive today:
Just kidding! I really shouldn't joke about that stuff, because last time I made an obviously false statement about a literary figure the Paris Review picked it up and ran with it:
Fake news indeed.
So where am I going with all this? Well, all of this is an extremely long-winded way for me to tell you that after today I'll be signing off of this blog [with some important exceptions]* until...September 5th, 2017:
(What I'm assuming things will look like by then.)
See, after ten (10) whole years of blogging I've officially reached the point where I can take a great big selfish end-of-summer hiatus. Plus, as the world's greatest living cycling writer I need longer-than-usual breaks in order to nurture and cultivate my genius. You know how giant animals have longer gestation periods? It's the same when you possess the massive intellect and bottomless spiritual profundity that I do.
Also, now that I'm on Strava I need to devote more time to data analysis:
(Strava is going to destroy my life, I see that now.)
Then there's the family stuff:
(Some other family, not mine. They look like vacuous people who contribute nothing.)
I'd like to spend more time with them before the summer's up, even if the feeling's not entirely mutual.
Hey, when they get tired of me there's always Strava.
So what about those exceptions I referred to earlier? Well, here they are:
*Hiatus Exceptions
1) The Bike Forecast: I'll still be updating that daily through the end of this week;
2) Outside : My acclaimed column will continue to take the world by storm on a weekly basis during my absence, so I'll be sure to duck in here whenever they put up a new one;
3) Miscellaneous: If any other media outlet publishes some of my genius while I'm gone I'll pop in and flog that as well. (Or, if they publish someone else's idiocy and I'm sufficiently inflamed I might come here to vent about it.)
Then there's always Twitter, a medium in which I am delightfully pithy and frothily provocative.
As you can see, winding down my vast media empire for a simple end-of-summer recess is like stopping a freight train...or a brakeless fixie, depending on which cliché you prefer.
Speaking of my extracurricular writings, I do recommend you check out today's Bike Forecast update as it pertains to a New York Times op-ed I found rather troubling:
Also, regarding my latest for Outside:
It generated the usual enthusiasm on their Facebook page:
Sarah Bell Eben Weiss perhaps you are the problem. As both a cyclist and runner I use the pedestrian paths in Colorado extensively. For both safety and courtesy I say "on your left" and appreciate anyone who does the same. You seem really uptight. Maybe you should try getting some exercise.
Colorado, huh?
Yeah, sounds about right.
And with that, I bid you a-doo. Thank you very much for indulging me during this lengthy but necessary leave-taking, enjoy the rest of August, and may all your rides be transcendent, or at the very least free from flats.
Thank you also for reading the words I type into this magical box, I remain eternally grateful.
Yours sincerely,
And so forth,
Etc, and so on,
--Wildcat Rock Machine, Fredsquire
August 11, 2017
BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!
***UPDATE***
Here it is, my new Outside column!
Braise the lard and holy luau!
My latest Outside column (or "Oootside" if you're Canadian) should materialize on the world wide whatever-it-is imminently, at which point you can be sure I'll pop back in here let you know. In the meantime however I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then go buy yourself something nice, and if you're wrong you'll see bicycling safety.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and always remember to wear a flotation device while cycling.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) What did this woman say to the bell-ringing horn-blower?
--"Fuck you"--"Get bent"--"Blow me"--"Ring this, asshole"
2) What is this protuberance?
--A theft-prevention system--A GPS sensor--An axle-stiffening device--A bearing temperature monitor
3) These people are assholes.
--True--False
4) Which band will not be on the bill for the Velorama Music Festival?
--Death Cab for Cutie--Wilco--Tennis--Bradley Wiggins's Oasis cover band, "Wonderwall"
5) Rapha has been bought by the heirs to which fortune?
--The Mars candy fortune--The Walmart retail fortune--The Butt family supermarket fortune--The Primal Wear "Crankenstein Jersey" fortune
6) I'm on Strava now.
--True--False
7) Recon Jet smart sunglasses have been:
--Recalled--Discontinued--Bought by Apple--Made mandatory in Australia
***Special "They Don't Make 'Em Like That Anymore"-Themed Bonus Video!***
Here it is, my new Outside column!
Braise the lard and holy luau!
My latest Outside column (or "Oootside" if you're Canadian) should materialize on the world wide whatever-it-is imminently, at which point you can be sure I'll pop back in here let you know. In the meantime however I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then go buy yourself something nice, and if you're wrong you'll see bicycling safety.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and always remember to wear a flotation device while cycling.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) What did this woman say to the bell-ringing horn-blower?
--"Fuck you"--"Get bent"--"Blow me"--"Ring this, asshole"
2) What is this protuberance?
--A theft-prevention system--A GPS sensor--An axle-stiffening device--A bearing temperature monitor
3) These people are assholes.
--True--False
4) Which band will not be on the bill for the Velorama Music Festival?
--Death Cab for Cutie--Wilco--Tennis--Bradley Wiggins's Oasis cover band, "Wonderwall"
5) Rapha has been bought by the heirs to which fortune?
--The Mars candy fortune--The Walmart retail fortune--The Butt family supermarket fortune--The Primal Wear "Crankenstein Jersey" fortune
6) I'm on Strava now.
--True--False
7) Recon Jet smart sunglasses have been:
--Recalled--Discontinued--Bought by Apple--Made mandatory in Australia
***Special "They Don't Make 'Em Like That Anymore"-Themed Bonus Video!***
August 10, 2017
Today's Post Will Be Short But Short
Hello!
Just a quick post to introduce you to my new hero. No, not the YouTuber who's been riding around the city with a car horn bolted to his bike, but the woman who gives him what for about five seconds into one of his most recent videos:
Is it annoying when people stand in the bike lane? Yes. Did he nevertheless have plenty of time to anticipate her presence and plenty of room to pass? Also yes. Is there anything more satisfying than an expertly deployed "Fuck you"? Almost certainly not:
Here's the deal: riding at someone while frantically ringing your bell, even if they're where they're not "supposed" to be, is like protesting the fact that someone didn't clean up after their dog by stepping right into a pile of its shit.
And as far as the horn goes:
Why adapt one of the shittiest aspects of cars to the bicycle? Is there anything more irritating than the self-important bleating of the urban motorist? Oh sure, it's bumper-to-bumper traffic for 20 blocks, but the asshole in the Hyundai really needs to be somewhere so let's all move out of the way. Unless your vehicle says "Ambulance" on it and someone's hemorrhaging in the back of it you should probably shut the fuck up.
On the other hand, if this were a hand-held horn and he stuck it in the open windows of cars that were, say, blocking the bike lane, then I could certainly get behind that.
I mean, I'd never do myself it because way too many people are violent lunatics, but I'd certainly watch the video.
Anyway, that's all from me for now. If you haven't had enough of me for today then check out the Bike Forecast, and if you have I'll see you back here tomorrow.
I love you all (yes, even you, crazy bike horn person),
--Wildcat Rock Etc.
Just a quick post to introduce you to my new hero. No, not the YouTuber who's been riding around the city with a car horn bolted to his bike, but the woman who gives him what for about five seconds into one of his most recent videos:
Is it annoying when people stand in the bike lane? Yes. Did he nevertheless have plenty of time to anticipate her presence and plenty of room to pass? Also yes. Is there anything more satisfying than an expertly deployed "Fuck you"? Almost certainly not:
Here's the deal: riding at someone while frantically ringing your bell, even if they're where they're not "supposed" to be, is like protesting the fact that someone didn't clean up after their dog by stepping right into a pile of its shit.
And as far as the horn goes:
Why adapt one of the shittiest aspects of cars to the bicycle? Is there anything more irritating than the self-important bleating of the urban motorist? Oh sure, it's bumper-to-bumper traffic for 20 blocks, but the asshole in the Hyundai really needs to be somewhere so let's all move out of the way. Unless your vehicle says "Ambulance" on it and someone's hemorrhaging in the back of it you should probably shut the fuck up.
On the other hand, if this were a hand-held horn and he stuck it in the open windows of cars that were, say, blocking the bike lane, then I could certainly get behind that.
I mean, I'd never do myself it because way too many people are violent lunatics, but I'd certainly watch the video.
Anyway, that's all from me for now. If you haven't had enough of me for today then check out the Bike Forecast, and if you have I'll see you back here tomorrow.
I love you all (yes, even you, crazy bike horn person),
--Wildcat Rock Etc.
August 9, 2017
Fire and Fury: Live Every Wednesday Like It's Your Last
Further to yesterday's post, you'll be pleased (or perhaps disappointed) to learn that both my wheels:
And my saddle:
Were still there after hours of sitting unattended in midtown Manhattan.
This could mean that both the Abus NutFix and the Hiplok Z LOK provided ample anti-theft protection, or of course it could just mean that the thieves were distracted by other far more attractive bikes in the area:
That bike looks like it has a mustache:
I did, however, return to my bike to find a note on it. "I hope your ride back," it began suggestively...
...sucks? ...is horrible? ...ends in tears?
...results in a saddle sore the severity of which defies medical science and necessitates the consumption of an entire bottle of Floyd's of Leadville CBD Hemp Oil?
My fingers trembled with anticipation as I unfurled the note, only to find that it contained nothing but well-wishings:
What can I say? Some think the glass is half-empty, others think it's half-full, and I think the glass contains a deadly admixture of sulfuric acid, spider venom, and Mario Cipollini's crotch sweat.
Assume the worst and you'll never be disappointed.
Anyway, the ride back did go well thankyouvermuch, and I even had time for a quick stop:
To pick up some kale:
What, you got a problem with salad?
I didn't think so.
Best of all, I didn't get caught up in any violent altercations:
I seem to recall reading somewhere that the driver got impatient and tried to make his way through a large group of cyclists who had "corked" an intersection, and while I in no way advocate violence, at the same time fuck him.
Sometimes you just need to wait a couple of minutes.
Lastly, the Colorado Classic is about to begin (in Colorado somewhere I'm assuming):
And it's shaping up to be a Fred-tastic freakout complete with food fairs, flea markets, and even a musical concert featuring music bands who play music and everything:
I am simultaneously too young and too old to be into any of these bands, but presumably these people aren't:
Actually I'm sure those people would go "Whooo!!!" no matter where you stuck them: a bike race, the line at the bank, the emergency room, you name it...
Because they are assholes.
And my saddle:
Were still there after hours of sitting unattended in midtown Manhattan.
This could mean that both the Abus NutFix and the Hiplok Z LOK provided ample anti-theft protection, or of course it could just mean that the thieves were distracted by other far more attractive bikes in the area:
That bike looks like it has a mustache:
I did, however, return to my bike to find a note on it. "I hope your ride back," it began suggestively...
...sucks? ...is horrible? ...ends in tears?
...results in a saddle sore the severity of which defies medical science and necessitates the consumption of an entire bottle of Floyd's of Leadville CBD Hemp Oil?
My fingers trembled with anticipation as I unfurled the note, only to find that it contained nothing but well-wishings:
What can I say? Some think the glass is half-empty, others think it's half-full, and I think the glass contains a deadly admixture of sulfuric acid, spider venom, and Mario Cipollini's crotch sweat.
Assume the worst and you'll never be disappointed.
Anyway, the ride back did go well thankyouvermuch, and I even had time for a quick stop:
To pick up some kale:
What, you got a problem with salad?
I didn't think so.
Best of all, I didn't get caught up in any violent altercations:
I seem to recall reading somewhere that the driver got impatient and tried to make his way through a large group of cyclists who had "corked" an intersection, and while I in no way advocate violence, at the same time fuck him.
Sometimes you just need to wait a couple of minutes.
Lastly, the Colorado Classic is about to begin (in Colorado somewhere I'm assuming):
And it's shaping up to be a Fred-tastic freakout complete with food fairs, flea markets, and even a musical concert featuring music bands who play music and everything:
I am simultaneously too young and too old to be into any of these bands, but presumably these people aren't:
Actually I'm sure those people would go "Whooo!!!" no matter where you stuck them: a bike race, the line at the bank, the emergency room, you name it...
Because they are assholes.
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