BikeSnobNYC's Blog, page 36

Riding to the Ride

As you know, recently I wrote a column for Outside about the virtues of riding to the ride:


As you may also know, a high percentage of people who leave comments on Outside's Facebook page are apparently idiots.  In addition to the person who stated that "there wouldn't be ANY roads without cars" (that's not just stupid, that's "holy fuck" stupid), there are also people who just plain miss the point:


Yeah, that's why people are lobbying for legal trails in Forest Park.  I live in New York City and even I know that.

As well as people who think riding to the ride is just for people like me who live in Iowa(!?!):


Or who think that you can't ride to a ride because you live in a city:


Indeed, reading the comments you'd almost think that Outside's audience is more into purchasing SUVs and fitting them with racks and accessories than they are into actually riding.

But we all know that couldn't possibly be true.

Anyway, I enjoyed a lovely all-terrain bicycle ride this past Saturday without resorting to the use of a motor vehicle, and for what it's worth--which may be nothing--I figured I'd share how it's possible to do in New York City.  Furthermore, not only did I ride a mountain bike, but I rode a singlespeed mountain bike, which one would naturally assume is the type of bicycle least disposed to ride-to-the-ride enjoyment.  And of course, now that I'm on Strava I can share with you the minutiae of the ride, which if you're local may come in handy for ride planning, or if you're not will certainly be useful in laughing at how slow I am.

So without further etc. and so forth, here's the ride:


I begin in Van Cortlandt Park, where a few pedal strokes deposits me onto a dirt trail that runs right through the middle of the park:


If you go keep going north you wind up on a paved multi-use rail-trail called the South County Trailway, but on the way up I often like to branch off to the right and hike up a little embankment to the Old Croton Aqueduct trail:


That's what I made the participants of this past spring's Pre-Fondon't ride do, and believe it or not a report of that sub-epic quasi-adventure is still in the works:

I also promise to lead a proper Fondon't--or at least some kinda ride--soon.

By the way, I should point out that, strictly speaking, bikes aren't allowed on that little spur, but since the embankment's not rideable anyway and you're basically pushing the bike the whole time I feel okay about it.

In any case, once I'm on the Old Croton Aqueduct I just keep going through Tibbetts Brook Park:



Mind you, I've been on dirt this whole time, which is pretty darn impressive considering I don't live in Iowa, contrary to what people who read Outside seem to believe:

At the top end of Tibbetts Brook Park I head west and then pick up the South County Trailway, which is paved, but which is car-free and pleasantly undulating so I don't mind:



From there, I have a sneaky way of cutting over to Tuckahoe Road (gigglechortle), which is one of the few sections of the ride that kinda blows:


Fortunately I'm only on Tuckahoe (gigglechortle) for like a mile, and because it's practically a highway I just say "Fuck it" and ride on the sidewalk.

I have no idea whether or not it's legal to ride on the sidewalk in Yonkers, but because there are virtually no pedestrians on this street and nobody seems to care I have no compunctions about doing it.

Slightly less sucky is Ridge Hill Boulevard, which is basically a dedicated roadway leading to a shopping mall "lifestyle center:"


And yes, it's pretty steep so of course it's a Strava segment:


Here too I ride on the sidewalk, because there's no shoulder, and also because I have deep contempt for soulless corporate retail complexes like this, even though I totally shop there too.  In fact, as usual I stopped in Whole Foods, and you can even see my path through the store because I didn't bother to pause Strava:


What Strava does not tell you is that I got some trail mix (I prefer the "360 Treasure Hunt" variety) and a 360 Cola to stuff in my backpack, an admixture which can sustain me for days if necessary.  In fact, I'm eating some of the trail mix right now, even as I type this.

From there, I pedal through the mall and pass through a small gate behind the REI to Sprain Ridge Park where the "mountain biking" begins in earnest:


It's just a touch over 8 miles from my home to the park, which isn't so bad when you consider a fair amount of it's dirt, most of it is car-free trails, and there's both a Whole Food and an REI for any last-minute ride needs.

Anyway, I knocked around in Sprain for a little while:


Which is when I realized that at some point I'd ridden through dog feces which my front wheel had thrown up onto my water bottle:


Anybody who does not clean up after a dog should be forced to eat the entire contents of a cat litter box that has gone uncleaned for a week.

If time is of the essence, once I'm done at Sprain I ride back the way I came since it's mostly downhill and I can make good time.  However, if I have more time I head west out of the park in the direction of Hastings-On-Hudson:


Hastings-on-Hudson prides itself on being a "walkable" village, but that's mostly bullshit, because apart from walking to the gourmet ice cream shop or the gluten-free bakery they all have drive to the mall when they actually need something useful, which means this stretch of kinda sucks.  Here too I use the sidewalk (at least where there is a sidewalk).  However, it's just a short ride over to the Old Croton Aqueduct, and from there it's all dirt most of the way--plus it's flat which is nice after all those short, sharp climbs in Sprain:


There's just one short sidewalk stretch between the Old Croton Aqueduct and the South County Trailway:



And then it's a straight run back into Van Cortlandt Park:


So 25 miles, plenty of dirt, and mostly pleasant and slog-free safe for a few very brief shitty parts.  (And any actual shit you may be unfortunate enough to encounter.)  All in all not too shabby if I do say so myself.

Perhaps a Dirt Fondon't is in order.

I'll have to run it by Brooks.

BSNYC Quizless Friday!

Further to yesterday's post, you'll be pleased to know I have attained acceptable braking on the Smugness Flotilla:


I bled the brakes again, but differently, based on some instructions I found on a trials forum.  (Trials riders like hydrolic rime breaks, apparently.)  Clearly there was air in the system, though I wouldn't rule out the possibility that I introduced that air myself yesterday.  Anyway, between that and fidgeting with various other adjustments I'm now getting sufficient bite, though I do think new pads are in order because all my adjusters are maxed out, and if I had any brains at all replacing the pads is the first thing I would have done because maybe it would have saved me all this trouble.

Or maybe not.

Nevertheless, in the long run I'm convinced it pays off to become intimately familiar with your equipment, even if you end up taking a roundabout approach to get there.  They're very nice brakes when they're working properly, so I owe it to myself to learn how to make them work properly.

Moving on, someone on Twitter has alerted me to a bicycle company that makes everything at NAHBS seem like a Surly in comparison:

You really, really need to know about this place, @bikesnobnyc: https://t.co/cJdnlkwX9P— Fort Greene Cyclist (@FtGreeneCyclist) September 29, 2017

The company is called Ascari, which I assume is pronounced "Ass Carry," and if you want a jewel-encrusted, leather-wrapped douche chariot to carry your ass around Williamsburg then this is the bike for you:


Our ultimate bicycle for the true connoisseur. The Ascari King Series is designed with our signature leather string wrapping and precious stones. 

Each bicycle is handcrafted at our studio in Williamsburg. Special requests are accepted for a complete bespoke experience tailored to your needs.

Here's the story of the brand from the beard himself, and a cautionary tale about why they need to shut down UBI for the good of humanity:

Ascari - The Man Behind the Name from Calliopestudios on Vimeo.

Did he just say "humble and simple?"  Those are not the words I'd use to describe a bike that incorporates Napoleon's dildo:


Oh, and if you'd like to see basically the same video only with a blues accompaniment, here you go:


It's only a matter of time before everyone's walking around Brooklyn in VR glasses that put a black and white blues overlay on top of everything.

Anyway, to Ascari's credit, they do seem to do all the work themselves, and they've managed to fuse Oregonian craftstmanship with Nü-Brooklyn artisanal ostentation both exquisitely and nauseatingly.  And I suppose their bikes are still more tasteful than those $35,000 Wheelmen bikes, which are just stock frames wrapped in dead snakes:


Still...why?


It looks like Jules Verne threw up on a Linus.

Oh, and yes, they do offer a track bike:


This appears to be the only model they offer that doesn't look like some kind of leather creature didn't ejaculate all over it.

As for the designer, I wanted to know more about him, and from his Instagram I learned that he really likes hats:

talking about master piece... Cody Wellema @wellemahatco makes one of the nicest hat available out there. Made out of pure beaver fur felt, being a very durable material yet soft and smooth that increase with wear & age. The trimmings are a high end grosgrain. Highest quality roan leather sweatband with a silk liner, 100% hand stitched and hand creased into shape. He also uses a 100 years old block to make each hat. I am honored to have one of your pieces, thanks my friend for being able to translate my essence into a hat so perfectly.... more to come!A post shared by Ascari (@ascaribicycles) on Aug 28, 2016 at 6:49am PDT

Yeah, whatever:



Also, his favorite ride is across the Brooklyn Bridge:

What is your favorite ride in New York City?
I love to cross the Brooklyn Bridge between Manhattan and Brooklyn. You get such an amazing view of New York City. You can ride over the East River, and it’s always beautiful at any time of the day or the night. Of course, there’s my neighborhood, Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is the most inspiring place in New York. There is something very special here, and if you ride your bike around, you will sense what I am talking about.

From this we can infer that he does not actually ride bicycles, because as one of the world's most popular and crowded tourist attractions the Brooklyn Bridge is best enjoyed while riding a Citi Bike at 2mph.

I do agree there is something very special in Williamsburg though, and no doubt what he's referring to is that heady melange of wealth, racial homogeneity, and complete self-absorption.

Finally, in Colorado, cyclists and squirrels are more or less interchangeable:


…When the sheriff located Scott Brown, age 65, following the incident, Mr. Brown told the sheriff that he keeps handy his pellet gun because he hates squirrels. When he saw us our on tandem bicycle, he said that we were not in his way or impeding his vehicle in any way, but he decided that he “hates bikes” as well, because they “mess up the trails.”

Last week, Mr. Brown entered a guilty plea to three misdemeanor counts: Third Degree Assault, Reckless Endangerment, and Launching a Missile at a Vehicle.

Shooting a cyclist isn't "Launching a Missile at a Vehicle," it's "Launching a Missile at a Person."  If this person shot someone on a park bench would the charge be "Launching a Missile at a Chair?"

Perhaps an Ascari with some sort of protective leather netting is in order.

Sorry I'm Late, But I Suck At Bikes

This morning I endeavored to perform some much-needed and long-deferred maintenance on my WorkCycles FR8:


Mainly, the bike needed:
1) New tires;
2) Brake fluid (yes, those are hydraulic rim brake--or, in Craigslist speak, "hydrolic rime breaks").
Now as you know, I make a point of doing my own bike repairs, in spite of the fact I am hopelessly inept:
So with a fistful of tools and a head full of ineptitude, I went to work.
First, I set about replacing the tires.  This is a bit more complicated than it seems, because unlike your standard-issue Fred bike you've got to undo about 90 things on the WorkCycles in order to remove the rear wheel.  (Fenders, chain cases, and internal hubs are delightfully convenient until you've got to liberate the wheel from them.)
Next I moved onto the brakes.  The front was much improved when I got done with it.  The rear was not, and if anything it was worse.  Indeed, nothing I did seemed to restore power to it, and eventually I was forced to give up because I was reaching that dangerous point where I find myself seriously considering ghost-riding the bike down a hill and never looking at it again.
Of course at this juncture any sane person would wheel the bike in to the nearest bike shop, but it just so happens the nearest bike shop isn't particularly near so it makes copping out and outsourcing the job less convenient than it seems.  Plus, I feel that I must see this thing through one way or anthers, and perhaps with some time spent away from the bike and a few YouTube tutorials I'll get the issue sorted out.
As for the brakes, if you're wondering, they're these:
If you have experience with these things feel free to bloviate in the comments below.
"So why hydrolic rime breaks anyway?," you may be wondering.  Well, that's just how the bike was specced, and theoretically a sealed system like this should result in less maintenance for a bike that lives outside in all seasons.  (Cables tend to rust an seize, you know.)  Plus, with all its racks and accessories I suspect the WorkCycles benefits from a braking system that can tolerate sharp angles in cable routing.  And then there's the fact that it's a heavy bike that needs lots of stopping power, though it seems to me that a rime break is a rime break and you can reach maximum stopping power regardless of what's pushing the pad against the rim.  
But what do I know.
I should also disclose that I've been considering "downgrading" to a cable-operated system for some time, and if I can't sort this issue out soon I may very well do just that.  (Sure, cables seize, but replacing them is like a five minute job and it doesn't require tubing and comically oversized hypodermic needles either.)  Rest assured I'll deep you apprised.  And in the meantime will I be hauling my children around town with only one (1) brake?
Probably.
Hey, Sheldon Brown says that's all you need anyway.
Anyway, the real revelation is that I need a goddamn garage:

(Random image I found on the Internet.  Want credit?  You take a lovely picture.  There's your credit.)
Sure, having a building basement to work in and a storage cage to cram all my bike crap into means I'm more fortunate than like 90% of New Yorkers, but it's times like these when I fantasize about a lavish work area with natural light and enough space to see everything I own at the same time.
This of course then leads me down the path of saying "Fuck it, I'm moving to the country," but it's this mighty metropolis from which our family earns its living, and alas were we to unlatch ourselves from its teat we'd surely shrivel up and waste away in short order.
Speaking of our lovely city, I suggest you check the latest Bike Forecast, where you can read all about how Bicycling gave the most annoying cyclist in New York City a great big shout-out:
And how our mayor's a whiny putz who panders to the motoring class:

.@NYCMayor, who doesn't bike, answered unsafe infra concerns by saying it's untrue, blaming the victim, and excusing w/ 'too much traffic' pic.twitter.com/xzHzlprKR3— Jonathan Warner (@Jaxbot) September 27, 2017

Hey, guess what, Bill?  You're a public servant, you don't get to resent shit.

And finally, speaking of Bicycling, it looks like its parent company, Rodale, is being bought by Hearst:



The surviving Rodalians are said to be rejoicing that Hearst appears to have beaten Meredith in the bidding war. “Hearst is the only publishing company to actually come to Emmaus [the remote Pennsylvania town Rodale calls home] to try to learn about the corporate culture,” said one source close to the company.

“They spoke with editors and wanted to learn about their process and their vision for their brands . . . Meredith showed up and was only interested in the bottom line. Didn’t speak to a single editor.”

I have no idea what this means for Bicycling, but Hearst was very brave to travel to Emmaus, a place from which few people have ever returned.

Is America Too Stupid For Bikes?

Watch out everybody, because here come the E-Freds!



Yep, same Fredly bikes you're used to, only with the added benefit of having to ravage the earth for lithium:


Yamaha evidently "soft-launched" these at Interbike:


“In some ways from a Yamaha global perspective, the U.S. market is sort of the place for outdoor recreation,” Trester said.

Engelmann said Yamaha will sell through IBDs and e-IBDs. 

“There is a reawakening of bicycling in the U.S. right now. I would hesitate to say that it’s because of e-bikes; however, there are more non-common consumers coming into bicycle retail looking for power-assist bicycles now than ever before,” Engelmann said. “E-bikes are now giving the retailer the opportunity to win the test ride again.” 

And while I'm becoming increasingly comfortable with the idea of ebikes, I'm simultaneously becoming even more skeptical that Americans are capable of making intelligent decisions, especially where vehicles with wheels are concerned.  That's why I wonder if bikes like these will in fact help give that "reawakening of bicycling in the U.S." a little tailwind, or if they'll wind up entombed in basements and garages just like their 10 speed forbears did.

We shall see.

Of course, it is worth noting that plenty of those old 10 speeds were subsequently exhumed by the owners' children, who then shlepped them from the suburbs into the city and turned them into fixies:


So perhaps in 20 years the e-fixie will emerge as the hot new urban bicycle and life will have come full circle.

Oh, and in other Interbike news, the co-founder of Speedplay certainly knows how to handle a bike:

This is how Richard, our co-founder, conducts his meetings at @interbike. Designs the best pedal system & has some bike skills! #speedplay pic.twitter.com/cnzYPWtO02— Speedplay Pedals (@SpeedplayPedals) September 22, 2017

Also, he's not using Speedplays:


Busted!!!

Anyway, speaking of how dumb Americans are, remember those sport-o rape-bros I mentioned last Monday who want cyclists to die?  Well here's their most recent salvo:

. @EKANardini sold in your store. Is advocating vehicular assault part of your business model? pic.twitter.com/fLKa9PRIwN— Grabau (@agrabau) September 24, 2017

It really makes you angry too:



Until you take a closer look and realize how fucking stupid it is:


Yeah, that's a picture of bicyclist safely passing an opening car door without incident, only with the word "Don't" scrawled on it.  As far as antagonizing images go it's even more impotent than they are after shotgunning a case of Bud Light.

Schmucks.

I'd love to come across someone wearing one of these t-shirts though, because needling them in public would be immensely satisfying.  Sadly I don't think you'll ever see them in the wild, because the sorts of people who would wear a shirt like this would no doubt hide them under something else until they get together in their "safe space" for a "limp biscuit" party.

I think I may finally be ready to admit that America is too stupid for bikes.  Even people who ride bikes have been so deeply mind-fucked by the Automotive Industrial Complex there's little hope for them.  Consider this comment on Outside's Facebook page in response to my brilliant and insightful column about how driving to rides blows:


I dunno, seems like you could buy an even sweeter bike if you didn't have to make those Hyundai payments.  And yes, it's true, without cars there would be no roads.  Everybody knows the road was invented around the same time as the Model T, and before that people just slashed their way through the forest with machetes:


(Typical 19th century pedestrian)
And what the fuck does he think the Appian Way was, a form of Italian martial arts?

But yes, sarcasm aside, cars are certainly responsible for paved roads, right?

Absolutely wrong:


The hard, flat road surfaces we take for granted are relatively new. Asphalt surfaces weren't widespread until the 1930s. So, are motorists to thank for this smoothness?

No. The improvement of roads was first lobbied for – and paid for – by cycling organisations.

In the UK and the US, cyclists lobbied for better road surfaces for a full 30 years before motoring organisations did the same. Cyclists were ahead of their time.

Yep, the roads were already being macadamized by the late 19th century because of our earliest Fredly ancestors and you'd better believe we were all over that shit:

[PDF]
And do you think the car made things better or worse?  Well, when was the last time you heard Jersey described this way?


I mean sure, there's still some fine riding in New Jersey, but come on.

But yeah, by all means, if roads weren't optimized for cars there wouldn't be any more good riding, which is why the cycling in Tuscany is so terrible:


What a friggin' dipshit.

Yes, for some reason people seem to think bikes are un-American, despite the fact that even NASCAR drivers ride them:

"They are like six inches from the shoulder," Earnhardt said. "I can't ride that close to the shoulder. I'm all over the place and I'm wobbling all over the damn road and this guy goes by and flips me off. I guess I kind of ticked him off. Anyways, I was surprised at how rude drivers are on the road."

M-hmmm.
Well, not all of them:



“I’m not sure about the whole bicycle deal,” he said Friday at New Hampshire Motor Speedway ahead of Sunday’s Overton’s 301. “And I don’t quite get those guys and the amount of money they spend on a — whatever it is — 32-ounce bicycle when all they’ve gotta do is just go on Craigslist and get a Schwinn or something like that and pedal half the distance and twice as hard and get a better workout.”

He's kinda got a point.

Also, it's kind of ironic that none of them seem to know what motorpacing is:

“I guess it was probably back Talladega weekend, I offered to get a moped and cut the air for Kenseth and those guys just to kind of give them a little draft, some drafting partners, ya know?” he said. “But they haven’t taken me up on it.

They totally should.

This Just In: New Outside Post!

Yes, here it is, the slightly belated Outside column you've all been waiting for:



It's all about how driving to rides is stupid, which is ironic because like the very next day I drove my son somewhere so we could ride our bikes:

I'm nothing if not a gigantic hypocrite.
Anyway, thanks for your patience, and I'll see you back here exactly when I return and not a moment sooner.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Stating Your Preference

As you know, I am a staunch opponent of the phrase "On your left!"  I even wrote a column for Outside about it.  Plus, when the New York Cycling Club naively asked me to speak at their monthly meeting the other day I hijacked the entire event and harangued them at length on the subject of the hated phrase.

Clearly, the complete elimination of "On your left!" from the cycling lexicon has become my white windmill.

Nevertheless, even I must admit that if you cannot occasionally yield then you are destined to crack, and that true strength of character requires you to maintain a state of lateral stiffness and vertical compliance at all times.  Consider this past weekend, when I was riding along the dirt trail I frequent:


It wasn't the above section, and of course the leaves are still on the trees, but you get the idea.
Anyway, this trail runs through various suburban neighborhoods whose neighborhoods take to it in fairly significant numbers on the weekends.  This affords me many opportunities to experiment with my passing technique, and what I generally do is tailor my approach based on the people and the circumstances.  Sometimes a verbal warning is best, other times a little ratcheting of the freewheel works better, and still other times it's best to say nothing at all.  And I'm please to say I've reached a point where I can usually overtake people with smiles and waves all around--most crucially without uttering the hated phrase.
Alas, this was not the case when I encountered an older gentleman walking with some sort of wooden stick or handle across his back and wedged in the crook of his arms.  (There is a distinct subset of suburban walker who must always walk with some sort of stick.)  Assessing the situation, I deemed it best to silently go around him, and did so giving him a wide berth.
"On your left!," he called after me condescendingly.
I stopped and accounted for myself.  I told him that I hate saying on your left, and that when I'm being passed I hate hearing on your left.  I further explained that when you do say "On your left!" often people abruptly turn left right into your path.  I finally pointed out that I'd given him plenty of room, and passed very slowly, and that I always make a point of doing so.
Nevertheless, it was clear he felt deprived of hearing not only a warning of some kind, but specifically those three words.
Hey, some people also like stiletto heels ground into their genitals, so go figure.
In any case, given that there are in fact people who not only want a verbal warning but specifically want to hear "On your left!," I think what needs to happen now is that everybody must wear a t-shirt or jersey emblazoned with their preference on the back.  Mine, for example, would read thusly:

Yours might say something like this:

As for people like the gentleman I upset, I've got something for them too:

Obviously when you're ordering you'll be able to add custom instructions of your choosing.
Problem solved.
Speaking of the scranus, we've seen the new heat-moldable shoes, but meet the new heat-moldable saddle:

When a Reform saddle is plugged in with a USB cable, the segments underneath the sit bones heat up. Next, the rider pedals their bike on a trainer for a few minutes in their normal riding position. The last step is to climb off and let the saddle cool and form.
And yes, that's Landyachtz the skateboard company, whose longboards you'll find under the feet of many a manbun-sporting longboard bro:

But if you think that means they don't know anything about The Crabon then think again:

That's $748 just for the deck, so just around a hundred bucks shy of that nice steel Milwaukee frame I've been riding:

So basically between crabon skateboards and wooden bikes it seems we're in the midst of a complete bike/skateboard inversion:

And no, I haven't heard a peep since August about that Renovo I'm supposed to be "testing," so I guess my dreams of woodgrain glory have been consigned to the wood chipper once and for all.
Finally, Peter Sagan has won his third rainbow jersey for being the World Champion of Men Who Ride Road Bikes:

Sagan is the first man to win three in a row, as well as being the youngest to achieve a hat-trick, and his photo-finish victory in Bergen was not just an achievement for the ages, but a reminder of why Sagan is such an important figure in cycling.
But after winning the rainbow jersey yet again, will an imminent change in the Slovakian’s personal circumstances dull his famously competitive instincts?

The answer to that question is obviously no, because once that baby comes he'll be out on the bike as much as possible.

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

At some point or another I'm assuming there will be a new Outside post, but pending that I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll rejoice, and if you're wrong you'll see gumption.

Thanks very much, ride safe, and boom shanka.


--Wildcat Rock Machine




1) Who is David Lappartient?

--The French Minister of the Interior
--Leader of the Quebec separatist movement, "Ville de Splits"
--The new UCI President
--He's you, he's me, he's all of us




(Another Guinness record holder and a true inspiration to us all)
2) British endurance cyclist Mark Beaumont has set the Guinness record for:

--Circumnavigating the globe (43 days)
--Back-to-back Iron Man triathlons (72)
--Trackstanding at an intersection (76 hours)
--Folding and unfolding a Brompton (1,746,203 times)





(Surf's up)
3) A Dutch safety foundation wants to ban:

--Ebikes
--Babies in bakfietsen
--Bikes with top tubes
--Cycling in clogs




4) Move over, North Korea!  Teenagers on bikes must be stopped, for they are the single greatest threat to American society.

--True
--False





5) Trek was recently sued by a group representing the intellectual property rights of which deceased comedian?

--John Belushi
----George Carlin
--Joe DeRosa




(TFW u nailed the test)
6) The next trend in pro roadie performance enhancement is going to be:

--Fecal transplants
--Maglev wheel bearings
--Turbine suppositories
--Shoe doping




7) Ride like...

--You stole it
--Your life depends on it
--The wind
--The total Fred that you are


***Special Big-BMX-Bikes-Are-The-Hot-New-Thing-Themed Bonus Video!***

Single speed bikes with knobby tires will never die.

Who Will Save The World From Cyclists?

Firstly, Sha Na Na Tovah to all my Jewish friends:


Did I say it right?

Secondly, I recommend you check out today's Bike Forecast for your reading enjoyment:


It's all about a recent Inside Edition story that reduces human beings to a swarm of locusts and abets the auto-industrial complex's ongoing attempt to criminalize cycling.

Moving on, the UCI has elected a new president:


So what does this mean?  Well, it's kind of like when Specialized or Trek or whoever uses a new carbon fiber modulus, in that it allows them to slap a different label on it but in practice it makes no difference whatsoever.

The truth is that a UCI president with teeth would eliminate every single discipline except for artistic cycling:



This is because it's the only one that doesn't exist entirely to feed the delusions of middle-aged Freds and Fredericas.  Well, that and radball:



And possibly BMX:



And I suppose trials:


Though I would absolutely love it if the masters racers set all took up trials.

By the way, if you think about it, trials is the polar opposite of triathlon.  One reduces cycling entirely to bike-handling, while the other completely eliminates it.  Even the bikes couldn't be more different:


If I was forced to choose between these two bicycles I have no idea which one I'd go with: the one that is only useful for hopping around Alpine logging sites, or the one that looks like something you'd use to prep for a colonoscopy.

In other news of athletic feats, British endurance cyclists Mark Beaumont has completed a record-breaking circumcision of the globe:


During his first 29 days, Mark broke a record for the Farthest distance cycled in one month: 11,315.29 km (7,031 miles).

The long-distance athlete set off in Paris on 2 July, before cycling through Europe, Russia and China – the first stage of his journey – and then moving on to reach Western Australia on 31 July.

“This was a fantastic milestone to achieve during the challenge of getting around the world in eighty days. I hope it is used as a marker for other cyclists to go and smash in the near future,” he said.

Another Guinness record they fail to mention is that he created the world's longest Strava segment.

And further to yesterday's post, in which we met comedian and conspiracy theorist Mitch Henck, more Wisconsinites have joined the eternal struggle to save the world from cyclists:


Yes, the "Stop Bad Bicyclists" movement is sure to pick up steam once this horrifying video goes viral:



My heart skipped a beat, I don't know about yours.

Of course filming that video while driving was probably the most dangerous thing happening in that video, but once we rid the world of these killer cyclists then maybe we can move onto these far less urgent matters.

Seriously, we cyclists will destroy the earth if you let us:

I haven't crunched the numbers yet, but Paul seems pretty confident so it must be right. pic.twitter.com/t6UNdKvNrb— Stephen B (@BicycleAdagio) September 14, 2017

It's true, drivers don't eat so it totally adds up.

It's Wednesday And They're Coming For Your Top Tube

Further to Monday's post, here's a fun one:

I like @EmotionalHangs but was blown away by De Rosa arguing that he has the right to do violence to cyclists. https://t.co/V5JobGbixS— Aaron Naparstek (@Naparstek) September 18, 2017

As we all know, every time a motorist parks a car they're doing something monumentally important.  Indeed, it's a monumental engineering feat as significant as the Moon landing.  The rest of us, however, are merely in the way:


You can guess where this Twitter exchange went next.

Yes, thanks to the post-Apatow "inside the tortured soul of a comic" film and TV genre there's a sentiment among even middling comedians now that they're all misunderstood geniuses.  That's why when something they say elicits jeers because it's totally out of touch they deflect any critique with the whole "whiny PC white privilege" thing:

I've been doing just fine without your support. Have fun policing comedy and somehow comparing cycling to the struggle. White Privilege twat— Joe DeRosa (@joederosacomedy) September 18, 2017

Wow, those two smuggies got under his skin as effortlessly as a puppy burrowing under a blanket.

Of course, in fairness to the comedian, he may have been traumatized by a failed attempt to walk over the Williamsburg Bridge years back:



It was an okay bit until the hackneyed stick-in-the-spoke comment.

Ultimately though, both the bike lane thing and the dooring rant share the same underlying theme (bicycles aside), which is that a lot of people lash out when they've done something wrong because they feel embarrassed.  A greater understanding of this would probably bump this guy's comedy up a notch, but he's been "doing just fine" as it is according to him, and I suppose there is a certain dignity to embracing mediocrity so good luck with that.

In other news, are step-through bikes becoming the new helmet?  Well, maybe, if a Dutch safety foundation has its way:

(Via @thejimoleary)

VVN claims that, based on a Swedish study, women’s bikes are safer because cyclists assume a better posture while riding women’s bikes and they have a lesser chance of getting a serious head injury when they are involved in traffic accidents. Other reasons given by VVN to ban men’s bikes in traffic are “dads giving their kid a ride with their bike” because this “may cause the child to fall off the bike or the bike to fall over as the dad takes a seat.”

Yes, the deadly allure of hitching a ride on a top tube is almost impossible to resist.  Just ask The King of Park Slope:


Okay, fine, neither passenger is actually hitching a ride on the top tube, but I just couldn't resist using the photo again.

Anyway, as the story points out, the whole idea of assigning genders to bicycles based on whether or not they have top tubes is kind of ridiculous:

They have a point; nobody complains about Citibikes and other shared bikes being gender neutral. In fact there is no reason to bring gender into it at all; racing bikes, where every ounce matters, have cross bars because the triangle is the most efficient structural form, and women racers have them. But in the city, a few ounces don’t matter all that much. It’s a design and safety issue, not a gender issue, when it comes right down to it. And thanks to the bike share systems, I don’t think any male rider is actually embarrassed by riding a bike without a crossbar.

Though I would argue that there are some riders who should be embarrassed to ride a bicycle without one.  Consider the Y-Foil for example:


And while it's debatable as to whether the beam of a Softride counts as a top tube, those too are a source of great shame:


Plus, if you try to give someone a ride on one of those then there's a good chance they'll get catapulted into next week:


So on balance the whole premise is pretty ridiculous, since obviously an upright step-through bike is more practical in a lot of non-sporting applications.  However, I do thing the thing about rider position and injury is an important point nobody seems to make (and hit has nothing to do with whether the bike has a top tube or not).  Consider a rider in this position:


And a rider in this position:


In the event of a crash, who do you think's going down harder?

Still, it's important to keep in mind that this same safety foundation also partnered with Shell on trying to get Dutch people to wear helmets, as someone mentioned in the comments on the article:

(Amusing headline wording courtesy of Google Translate)
Trying to sell the Dutch on helmets makes about as much sense as trying to open a Red Lobster at the Western Wall:


Finally, we all know that cyclists are part of a conspiracy to steal private property from hardworking Americans:



I looked Mitch Henck and was delighted to find that not only is he a radio host, but he's also a stand-up comedian:


Ouch.

Needs more bike material.

Well, So Much For Today's Post!

There I was, all ready to curate an ample serving of the day's mediocrity, when I got a call from the Apple factory informing me that my littlest kiddie is sick:


(Not my kid.  When my kid's sick he gets really pissed off and goes for your nuts.)
That meant I had to go pick him up, because a sick kid can't properly assemble the new iPhone X and it's a real drain on productivity.
Worst part is they dock his wages, and at $.15 an hour that's really gonna hurt my family's bottom line.
As for my productivity, it looks like that's going right out the window now that I've got to put on the Parenting Smock:
(Daddy's parenting smock gets results.)
Rest assured I'll strive to get this operation back on track, but in the meantime the Bike Forecast is updated and available for your perusal, and you can read about how the city of West Haven, CT is banning "reckless and dangerous" cycling in an attempt to outlaw kids on bikes:

See, this sort of thing is going on all up and down the East Coast:


And it's driving the squares crazy.

Anyway, that's all from me for now, but I'll certainly see you back here by tomorrow at the latest.

Thanks for understanding, and if you don't understand then you're always welcome to go fuck youself.

I love you,


--Wildcat Rock Machine