BikeSnobNYC's Blog, page 42

Wednesday Rolling In With The Autobus

Just as water takes the shape of the vessel into which it is poured, so does cycling adapt to your current lifestyle.  For example, before my days were consumed by child-curation, I used to spend hours and hours swaddled in Lycra and racing about on bicycles of crabon.  Now, if I'm lucky, I can maybe squeeze in a half-hour of Category 6 Citi Biking to get my competitive cycling fix:


(One of my rivals doing intervals on the stationary trainer.)
While I may eschew Strava, wattage meters, and the like, I do check my Citi Bike times, for in the Cat 6 universe this the only metric that matters.  And while my quasi-career as a semi-professional bike blogger has taken me as far as Jersey City on those bikes of blue, my personal fitness testbed is the York and Jay to MacDougal and Prince segment.  So after last night's run I logged in and was pleasd to find that my form is coming along right on schedule:


(Other trips blurred because my whereabouts are a matter of national security.)
The most recent trip is on top, and you'll notice that with each ride I'm shaving at least a minute off my previous time.  Clearly I've got good legs after the Brompton World Championships, and I only wish there were some other goofy novelty race coming up because I'm clearly peaking.  Alas, in the absence of formalized competitionI may just have to ride back and forth over one of the East River bridges asking other riders, "Do you want any of this?," at least until such time as I'm arrested.

Of course, when you're talking about competitive cycling you can't ignore the importance of equipment, and it helps that last night I arrived at the station just as they were unloading some fresh bikes:


This meant that:

1) I had my pick of the litter;
2) The bikes had been freshly tuned;
3) Presumably they'd been disinfected as well, making it slightly less likely I'd contract some sort of illness or horrific Froome-like parasite that could put paid to my entire racing season.

Anyway, when you're out of the saddle on a Citi Bike and it isn't creaking like wet rattan or slipping out of gear then you know you've chosen well:


At this rate I expect sub-18 minute times by September.

In the meantime, by way of a recovery ride I pointed my bike towards some dirt this morning, only to be greeted by a brace of tick-ridden sentinels:


Both of whom regarded me with vacant, expressionless faces:


Which, it's worth noting, is pretty much the same look you get from a typical roadie:


When I first started riding up this way I found the deer sort of beguiling, but now I realize they're common as squirrels, and I guess they're so pervasive because they have no natural predators apart from people who drive pickup trucks with TRUMP stickers on them.

Anyway, even my recreational cycling is conforming to the somewhat confining vessel which is my life, because I'm currently doing what was once unthinkable, which is riding with flat pedals:


I put them on a few weeks back for a leisurely afternoon eating-and-drinking tour of Brooklyn my wife and I did a few weeks back, and since then I can't really think of a good reason to take them off again.  While I certainly don't intend to dispense with clicky shoes altogether, I've also come to realize that they're mostly pointless a fair amount of the time, and only now am I beginning to truly embrace the joy of cycling in "regular" clothes--though it goes without saying that I plan to upgrade to titanium pedals immediately:


Then I'll need a pair of those $995 sneakers, and of course a special gravel-specific frame protector:



Please.

Frame protection is for "woosies."

Speaking of Kickstarters, here's one for a tool kit that goes in your steer tube:


I'm partial to tool rolls these days myself, but if you don't want to spoil the clean lines of your ugly-ass mountain bike (yes, all mountain bikes are ugly) this might be for you.

And sorry, Freds, it doesn't work with crabon:

The Dialed Cap is compatible with any metal 1-1/8'' Steer tube. Currently NOT compatible with carbon steer tubes.

Lastly, as a parent of a balance-biking toddler, I was simultaneously amazed and horrified by this video which was forwarded by a reader:



It's like watching a bunch of zoo seals at feeding time.

I may need to Kickstart myself some dignity.

Further to yesterday's post on the subject of the Brompton World Championships, if you're the one (1) person who wanted actual details about the actual race, I'm pleased to report that I've received a press release from Brompton which includes photos of the starting lineup:


The pointy end of the race, which I was nowhere near, hence my lack of a blow-by-blow account:


The finishing sprint:


The women's podium:



And the names of the victors in both the men's:

With a number of previous Brompton World Championship USA winners participating in the event, it was always going to be an exciting race. The battle for the finish line was intense, with 2015 USA Brompton Champion, Dave Mackay, and Victor Gras, a talented New York cyclist who placed second in the recent Grand Fondo New York, going head-to-head in a sprint finish. Dave took the win with a late surge of power, gaining just over a bike length by the line.

And women's categories:

New contender, Kristin Negele, took the women’s title and the 2011 USA women’s champion, Julie Secor, came third. The female and male champions both win flights to the UK and entry to participate in the Brompton World Championship final in London. The team event, sponsored by Brooks England, was convincingly won by the Prospect Park Pelicans, with the Philadelphia Fliers coming second and the Brompton NYC team coming in third.

So there you go.

I knew if I didn't do my job Brompton would eventually do it for me.

Oh, and one amateur photographer was kind enough to forward along some action shots of your's truley.  Notice my face is extremely flushed from the heat:


Fortunately when the man with the ices cart came by moments before the start I joined my kids in yelling "PLEEEASE!!!" until my wife finally bought us all some, and if it wasn't for that pre-race cup of frosty rainbow goodness I'd almost certainly have left in an ambulance.

Also, while on the surface the Brompton race would appear to be something of a novelty, it was in many ways like any of the more "serious" races in which I've participated over the years.  For example, like any Fred, after a race I'd always spend lots of time scouring the Internet for pictures of myself only to be deeply embarrassed by the results.  Sure, I may have felt cool at the time, but the photos invariably reveal that I was more schmo than pro.  Similarly, in this case, while everyone else looked dapper and composed:


I looked like a total schlub:


Not only am I about to lose my shorts:


But I'm also perspiring profusely in my tramp stamp area:


And speaking of tattoos, yes, I do realize I have one on my leg, and yes, I also realize it looks like one you'd find on the sorts of people who wear jorts to the water park.

It is what it is.

But don't feel bad for me, feel bad for Brompton, because that sound you hear is a bunch of people folding theirs up and consigning them to the closet forever after seeing those photos.

On the plus side, I may be able to get a lucrative automotive endorsement deal after all of this:


In other news, here's one of the most grandiose Kickstarter videos I've ever seen, and it's for...a helmet mirror:



Mind you, I have nothing against helmet mirrors.  In fact, given what's been going on here in New York recently I'd say they're probably a hell of a lot more important than helmets:


Though perhaps not quite as important as brakes:

But that's another discussion.

I do confess I've never actually used a helmet mirror while cycling, probably because I suffer from the distorted sense of aesthetics that caused me to get a leg tattoo all those years back, but a shatter- and vibration-proof rear-view mirror that clips to pretty much anything seems like a good idea to me.

However, I'll defer to people who actually use them as to whether or not this is the case.  (But please don't then go on about your damn recumbent--though feel free to weigh in on whether or not a recumbent-specific mirror that attaches to a beard is a good idea.)
And in other Kickstarting news, here's someone who thinks triathletes can Go Fit Themselves:



Here's his motivation:


"Every day I'm contacted by triathletes from around the world who simply want to get comfortable on their bike."

Silly triathletes.  How can you ever be truly comfortable on this?


That's like a folding bike rider consulting an expert on how to look dignified.

It just ain't gonna happen.

But this particular bike fitter is also a prop comic:


"...she'd been assured by somebody that these aerobars were going to meet her needs.  Quite frankly..."
[Pushes red button]
BZZZZZ: That was bullshit!
Wow.  He should totally Kickstart an aerobar attachment for that button.

Of course, triathlon equipment arguably lends itself just as well to prop comedy as a novelty buzzer:


And while I'm not particularly moved by this project I would totally fund a triathlete intervention video series that consisted entirely of scenes like this:



And yes, I realize full well the irony of my making fun of triathletes:



Hey, I shattered my glass house years ago.  At this point what do I have left to lose?

Brompton World Championships: I Came, I Saw, I Folded

As the sporting world knows, yesterday saw the running of the Brompton World Championship USA race at the Harlem Skyscraper Criterium, a race in which I decided to compete after receiving a special "action suit" from a popular chain of menswear shops:


By the way, it's worth noting their stock rallied after my announcement, indicated by the green arrow:


I'm just saying.
Of course yesterday was also Fathers Day, and so that morning I took my elder son out for a ride on his new all-terrain bicycle:

This is his first geared bicycle, and I'm pleased to report he got the hang of shifting rather quickly, though that's hardly surprising as he's the beneficiary of my prodigious cycling genes.  I did however spare him my retrogrouchical tendencies, providing him with a bicycle equipped with both hydraulic disc brakes and a suspension fork.  Clearly, like many self-made moguls who pull themselves up from their bootstraps and then proceed to spoil their progeny, I am coddling him when it comes to cycling equipment.

(I've also installed a dropper post on my younger child's balance bike, though without a crank I'm not sure how to go about fitting an SRM.)

Anyway, after our excursion, I stuffed the top half of my "action suit" and a helmet into my Brompton bag:


And the whole crew boarded a train bound for Harlem USA:


Arriving at Marcus Garvey Park, the competition was as dapper as it was fierce:


And attire ran the spectrum from Park Avenue Doorman:


To Battle of Verdun:


Deeply intimidated, I nevertheless steadied my hands just enough to pin up:


Each safety pin a stake through the heart of my AWEAR-TECH by AWEARNESS Kenneth Cole suit:


It uses 37.5 technology, an advanced fabric technology from the high-performance sports world, in case you were wondering.

Of course you were.

I also pinned my necktie to my shirt so it wouldn't fly over my shoulder once I unleashed my incredible speed:


Brompton riders are a shifty bunch and you never know when one of them might grab onto your tie for a free ride.

At this point I should mention that it was rather hot.  Also, the Harlem crit is famous for crashes, and the race immediately preceding ours was the Category 3/4, arguably the crashiest field in all of amateur bicycle racing.  The upshot of this is was that our race was delayed considerably while an ambulance tended to the wounded, meaning we all spent at least an additional hour waiting for the start and sweating in our finery.

Linen clearly would have been the move.

In any case, eventually what was left of the 3/4 field finished their race and the Bromptonauts took to the course:


To some (okay, all) it might have looked like a sideshow, but for us it was the main event:


Rolling out towards the start, I experienced an exhilarating mix of intense anticipation and mild embarrassment:


Though it also might just have been the early stages of heatstroke.

We then lined up our machines for the Le Mans start:



And an impressive array it most certainly was:


We then lined up across from our Bromptons, and as we received our pre-race briefing this crew took the opportunity to briefly upstage us:


For that moment, the photographed became the photographers:


"I'm the king of the world!," this rider did not shout:


And then finally we were off.

What ensued were 10 extremely hot laps during which I would have given anything to discard my jacket, and you haven't experienced excitement until you've opened a button and loosened your tie while racing in a criterium on a bicycle with 16-inch wheels:


Next year I'm going with carbon trispokes and seersucker.

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz

Sorry (not really) to be late (not really), but I treated myself to some much-needed saddle time this morning:


It's hard to believe that it's been over two years already since I took delivery of the Milwaukee, and my fondness for it has only increased during that time.  At this time of year the bike goes fenderless, and I'm taking advantage of the additional clearance to run/rub/palp some 32mm tires inflated to exactly [X]psi instead of my usual 28s.  (There's no way I'm disclosing #whatpressureyourunning, or my proprietary tire pressure algorithm which involves daily weighings as well as occasional soil-tastings.)  Other features include an EH Works tool roll (go ahead and buy two, you deserve it), as well as a genuine MA2 rim on the front:


I dug these rims out of a bike shop basement many years ago because they were the official Jobst Brandt-approved rim and even though I was still a dyed-in-the-Lycra Fred and these were considered old and heavy his curmudgeonliness spoke directly to my soul.  Sadly, the rear rim is no longer with us (probably due to a sub-par non Jobstian wheel build which I was not responsible for), but the front is still going strong--which is not really saying much since pretty much any front wheel will last roughly forever.  As for the rear, I rebuilt it some years back with a cheap polished rim of similar dimensions, and I daresay silver wheels lend a bicycle a certain dignity which is absent from today's flashy wheelsets.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see a good old-fashioned fixie fail.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may all your rides be bicycle rides.


--Wildcat Rock Machine





1) Shoe designer Christian Louboutin used which cycling activity to showcase their $995 sneaker?

--Salmoning
--Bike polo
--Trackstanding
--Cyclocross





2) How much money is Velo Visor looking to raise?

--$30,000
--$300,000
--£300,000
--A few hundred bucks



3) According to Hallmark, which is not an appropriate gift for a 10-year anniversary?

--Tin
--Aluminum
--Diamonds
--Carbon fiber






4) Bronx Community Board 8 voted against a street redesign that included a bike lane because:

--People will stop visiting New York City, the economy will collapse, and the city will become a ghost town
--"The Bronx is not close to New York City like Brooklyn is"
--Everybody who'd been killed on that street deserved to die
--All of the above




(Oopsie!)
5) Yet another NYPD report regarding a cyclist's death has turned out to be false.

--True
--False




(Depends on #whatpressureyourunning, innit?)
6) Did Pirelli get bike tires right with the Pzero?

--Yes
--No
--Maybe
--Who cares?




7) This Bicycling story fails to include the most important feature of all: an "off" button.

--True
--False



***Special #Whatpaintbrushyourunning-Themed Bonus Video!***

Sorry I'm Late, But I'm Old and Slow Now

After a night of uneasy dreams in which I was being chased by Roberto Heras:


I awoke in a cold sweat only to realize it's only a few more days until the Brompton World Championship race in New York City:


In which, as a budding Bromptonaut, I will obviously take part:


Plus, you know, I've got that suit:


As a semi-professional bike blogger I have scant opportunity to wear a suit, and if it weren't for the race I'd have to wait for someone I know to get married or die--or, failing that, my own demise:


Please bury me with my Brompton as it's the only bike that will fit inside my carbon fiber coffin.  Of course, it does technically still belong to Brompton, so if they want it they'll have to exhume me, which sounds like the premise for a bicycle-themed zombie movie called "Undead Fred."

In the meantime, rest assured that this very morning I weighed down the Brommie with ballast and headed out for some Cat 6-style bridge intervals:


Victory may be elusive, but I've already got intoxication in the bag.

Speaking of fashion, fancy shoe purveyor Christian Louboutin harnessed the awesome marketing power of bicycle polo to showcase a $995 pair of sneakers:



FLORENCE, Italy — Isolationists, take note. Politicians may build walls, seal borders, freeze passports and talk trash about international cooperation, yet the realities of our global interdependence remain unchanged. Though it may no longer be the world’s largest manufacturer of pig iron or steel, the United States remains a powerhouse thought generator whose cultural exports — think rock ’n’ roll, graffiti, Pop Art, software, computer gaming, skateboarding, surfing, sportswear, the list is extensive — are avidly taken up around the world.

Consider the spectacle that opened the 92nd edition of Pitti Uomo, the twice-yearly men’s wear trade fair that is not only the world’s largest such event, but also by far its most creatively adventuresome.

I'm not sure I'd include bike polo as a uniquely American cultural export.  Were we even responsible for it in the first place?  And if we were, did the current hipster variation actually originate in Seattle?

In a plaza set before the 14th-century basilica of Santa Maria Novella, in the heat of a Tuscan morning, polo grounds had been set up, complete with barricades, safety nets and goal posts. The playing field was not for an equestrian tournament but for its two-wheel variant, hardcourt bike polo — a growing and super-democratic version of the sport of kings, one with roots among off-duty bicycle messengers in Seattle.

“Bike messengers did it after work,” said Julian Aristeo, a mechanic who first trained as a graphic designer and who is a member of the three-man Gnarcats, a Seattle team. Though in ordinary play, hardcourt bike polo is notably unisex, for Pitti the teams were all male. “It’s a men’s wear show, after all,” Mr. Aristeo said.

Well I don't know if Seattle's where this current iteration of bike polo started, but as far as who actually invented it in the first palce, according to a popular online user-edited encyclopedia it was proto-Fred in Ireland by the name of Richard J. Mecredy:

The game was invented in County Wicklow, Ireland, in 1891 by retired champion cyclist Richard J. Mecredy, editor of The Irish Cyclist magazine.

Though my own research points to Francis Wilson of New Rochelle, NY:


I suspect however that neither of these are true, and I'm working on a theory that the game was in fact invented by a Cleveland cyclist who needed to transport a ham home from the butcher shop by bicycle.  The ham was too unwieldy and succulent to carry, and his bike was not equipped with a basket or rack, and so he used a broom to push the ham home while riding alongside it

And that's how bike polo was born.

Lastly, after a failed Kickstarter campaign, Velo Visor is back with a flashy new video:


Originally the were looking for six thousand of your British Pounds Sterling:



But now they've lowered their goal to £300 (or three hundred eighty-two of our American Fun Tickets) which hardly seems worth it:



Wonder if I can get one in time for the Brompton World Championships.

I'm This Many! [Holds up 10 fingers.]

So hey, guess what?  This blog's 10!



If you're wondering what to get me, according to Hallmark 10 years is either aluminum or diamonds:

So if you want to go modern, might I suggest a jewel-encrusted Cipollini:


Cipollini RB1K Luxury Edition from Mcipollini on Vimeo.

Or, if you're the traditional sort, how about a used Jamis?


I'm cool with either--or both!

Most years I forget my Blog-A-Versary, or my Blogular Birthday, or my Blog-Mitzvah, or whatever you want to call it, but when I realized I was closing in on a decade I decided this year would be different.  Indeed, I flirted will all sorts of celebratory ideas, including but not limited to:

Leading a great bike rideHaving a big partyRelaunching the whole operation on a fancy new platform complete with smarphone appQuitting the whole goddamn shitshow once and for allAlas, when it came right down to it, the unfortunate fact is that I couldn't get it together to do any of these things.  In fact, I ended up forgetting my e-decennial just like I'd forgotten the others before it, because the goddamn thing was yesterday.  And now it's too late.

Oh, get over it, mutt.
Still, it's only natural that I'd forget my big day, because at this point in my life I'm very busy.  For one thing, I'm one half of a New York City power couple.  (I'm the powerless half, every power couple needs one.)  For another, I'm the father of two (2) human children (it used to be seventeen (17) but I donated fifteen (15) of them to Recycle-A-Bicycle) and I must prepare them for life in a dystopian future.  (I've got them on a rigorous program of martial arts and computer coding.)  And then there are the community board meetings, and the public appearances, and all those great shows on Netflix, and before you know it there's hardly even time for a sub-sub-epic ride in suburbia let alone a lavishly self-indulgent birthday celebration:

Yes, these days an hour or two on the trails behind the shopping mall on what the dropper post weenies would consider an "entry level" mountain bike is pretty much as "epic" as it gets for me--and even then I usually meet the family at the mall afterwards and we do our grocery shopping at Whole Foods.
Yeah, that's right, we shop at Whole Foods.  Then we fly back to the Bronx on our private jet:

Sometimes while we're waiting on the tarmac we hail like 15 Ubers and when they show up we point and laugh at them as we take off.
Anyway, all of this is to say that while I reserve to right to engage in some sort of retrospective, commemorative event, or crass merchandise offering at some point during my tenth year, it ain't gonna happen today.
There is one thing I'd like to share with you though before I sign off for the day:

10 years ago I was a cycling rube, a New York City Fred who frittered away his carefree pre-child-rearing years by waking up early to ride around in circles with other Freds.  Then I started a blog so I could make fun of fixies.  In so doing I had the tremendously good fortune to be embraced by the cycling community and to experience all sorts of things I never would have otherwise: going on a book tour; riding L'Eroica; and falling headlong into my own urine, just to name a few.  I owe this all to the people too numerous to mention who have reached out to me over the years, as well as anybody who's ever read my blog, or my books, or any of the other stuff I've scribbled, and it's quite humbling to consider that if I hadn't started this thing I'd still be riding around in circles both literally and figuratively.  
So thank you, and feel free to knock off early today and go for a ride.
You deserve it.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Community Boards

You may recall that not too long ago I attended my local community board meeting in support of the city's plan to upgrade the deadly drag strip that separates me from the city's third-largest park:


Well, last night the board met again to vote on an idiotic resolution designed to basically scuttle the whole thing, and with the taste of stupid still lingering in my mouth I hopped on the WorkCycles headed on down to the shitshow.
To give you an idea of how New York City community boards work, imagine being really, really hungry and deciding to order a pizza.  Now imagine that before ordering your pizza you first had to consult with a group of 30 people.  Of these people, ten have severe gluten allergies, another ten have religious dietary restrictions, and the remaining ten have never eaten a pizza but have seen them on TV and therefore have very strong opinions about them.
Sounds annoying right?  Sure it does.  And when you're talking about a city street that people can use without dying it's downright infuriating.
Anyway, after about two hours of congratulating themselves for their service, denying various permits, and doing everything they could to keep the neighborhood preserved in formaldehyde, it was finally time for the board to vote on the resolution to sweep the bike lane under the musty, dated rug of which they are so fond.  But first, they each had to unzip their pants and dangle their stupid opinions.  It's hard who was the dumbest, but the top contenders have to be:The bloviating parody of an elder statesman who grumbled on and on about the city's conspiracy to create motor vehicle traffic, and how if people can't drive here from other places then the entire economy will collapse;The hateful woman who blamed the 12 people who have been killed on Broadway since 2010 for their own deaths;The guy who rejected comparisons to successful projects of a similar nature in Brooklyn because this is the Bronx, and "we're not close to New York City like Brooklyn is."That last one in particular was a special kind of stupid.  I mean sure, as someone who's experienced with stupid I get what he's trying to say in the same way I can tell that dark spot deep inside the Jell-O is probably a raisin.  See, while the Bronx is obviously a part of New York City, it is common in the other four boroughs to refer to Manhattan as "the city."  Furthermore, there are also people who do refer to Manhattan as "New York."  However, those people tend to be no younger than 70 years old, whereas this guy seemed to be around my age, making him a real whipper-snapper by community board standards.
Regardless, let's look at the statement that "we're not close to New York City like Brooklyn is."  Here's New York City:

(From Britannica Kids, fittingly.)
Here's what's colloquially called "the city," or "New York" if you were born during the Wilson administration:

Now here's Brooklyn:

As you can see, some of it is very close to "the city," and some of it is farther away.
And here's the Bronx:

Like Brooklyn, some of it is very close to "the city," and some of it is farther away.  (City Island and Coney Island are roughly equidistant to Times Square.)  Both boroughs also share a similar population density and low rate of car ownership (under 50% for both).  However, being smaller than Brooklyn there is simply less of the Bronx that is geographically removed from Manhattan.  Furthermore, the Bronx is part of the same street grid as Manhattan, and certainly in the western half of the borough it bears more resemblance to Manhattan than any neighborhood in Brooklyn.
Perhaps most vexingly, the meeting took place here, just a few blocks from Manhattan

And the very board on which this guy sits literally represents a neighborhood in Manhattan:

Of course the raisin in the Jell-O here is that our neighborhood is farther from downtown Manhattan where all the shiny tall buildings are than, say, Brownstone Brooklyn is, and this is the concept he was awkwardly trying to extricate from the misshapen Jell-O mold that is his brain.  However, not only are we all part of the same city, but our bodies also react similarly to being hit by a car, which is what makes this sort of isolationist thinking so goddamn toxic.
Indeed, one wonders why instead of fighting the city they live in and maintaining deadly conditions for the people they supposedly represent (inasmuch as a group of people who aren't elected and serve until they die can represent anybody) these people don't just move here and be done with it:

In the end, the community board passed the cockblocking resolution, with 20-something people voting for it and I believe five voting against it.  (In all fairness, there were two board members who expressed their support of the plan, one of whom in particular did so eloquently and with an unerring logic that was no doubt completely lost on his fellow board members.)  The community board's role in all this is merely advisory, meaning the DOT can go ahead with this anyway, but of course the board holds political currency so this will almost certainly result in delay.  And while the local officials who are actually elected are in favor of this plan, who knows what will happen in the wake of this vote.
Hopefully nobody else dies due to all this dicking around.
(Ironically, only now that I'm an old fuddy-duddy myself do I truly recognize the importance of making your voice heard at your community board meetings.  Unfortunately it's hard to attend them unless you're retired.)
Lastly, in more dispiriting news, the city has experienced its first bike share death.  The media responded by perpetuating a victim-blaming narrative, and the NYPD responded by ticketing cyclists.
And so it goes.

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Guess what?

School's closed on Monday again.

That means so am I.

Yep, that's right, no post here on Monday the 12th.  However, I'll be updating the Bike Forecast in the meantime, and I'll be back here on Tuesday the 13th with regular updates.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you're right, and if you're wrong you'll see roadie freestyle.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and ride safely.


--Wildcat Rock Machine






1) George Hincapie, pictured above, will have a cameo in "Zoolander 3: Blue Crabon."
--True--False




2) How much for a hub that simulates the effect of brake rub and binding bearings?
--$100--$1,000--$1,500--$15,000



("Excuse me sir, would you mind pulling over for a moment?")
3) According to the NYPD, it's your responsibility to keep yourself and everybody else in New York City safe while you're riding.
--True--False





4) Roadies have Zwift, now touring cyclists will have:
--Their own version of Strava--Their own board game
--Their own restaurant in Portland called "Saag Pannier"--Their own series on Netflix called "Smelly Birkenstocks"






5) The world's largest bicycle is made from:

--Aluminum
--Steel
--Bamboo
--Children





6) What evidence does retired Classics star and hair transplant recipient Johan Museeuw give to back up his claim that cycling is cleaner now?

--"Testing proves it."
--"There is less pressure on riders for results."
--"Average times are slower today."--"Because I say it is."





7) A disc brake-equipped gravel bike with a quill stem?  Sure!  Only from:

--Rivendell
--Velo Orange
--Surly
--Walmart



***Special "Oh, I'll Bet They're High All Right!" Bonus Video***

We're Going Straight from Wednesday to Friday!

A rare photo of @bikesnobnyc pic.twitter.com/mWws79dtMD— Felix Salmon (@felixsalmon) June 7, 2017

Tomorrow, Thursday, June 8th, the city's schools are closed:


(That's today meaning tomorrow.  Meaning Thursday.  You know what I mean.)
Therefore in accordance with my blogging contract, I won't be updating this blog tomorrow.  Instead, I'll be doing some skateboarding and then going to see the "Captain Underpants" movie.
Then once I'm done with that I'm going to spend some quality time with the kids.
In the meantime, rest assured I'll be updating the Bike Forecast as usual, and I'll see you all back here on Friday.
Speaking of skateboards, I recently got one for my eldest child since he'd been asking for one for his birthday.  Here's me portaging it across the Brooklyn Bridge via Citi Bike in an environmentally unfriendly plastic bag:

Of course, inasmuch as I once looked like this:

It probably won't surprise you to learn that I too used to ride a skateboard in my youth.  Furthermore, like all aging people who once looked like that, buying that skateboard rekindled something inside me.  Therefore, it also probably won't surprise you to learn that within a week I pulled the classic dorky dad move, and instead of simply living vicariously through his son like a normal middle-aged doofus I went back to the store and bought another one for myself.
Yeah, that's right, I'm a walking cliché:

(Image via here.)
And I won't be walking for long, either, because we all know it's only a matter of time before I bust my ass on this thing.  See, the problem isn't that it's been like 30 years since I regularly rode a skateboard.  In fact, as soon as I stepped onto it it felt as familiar as if I'd been skating just yesterday.
No, the problem is that even 30 years ago I wasn't very good.  I mean sure, I could zip around the neighborhood on the thing no problem, but I was pretty bad at doing tricks.  Indeed I was similarly bad at doing tricks on my BMX:

(This was about as good as I got.  Note I hadn't yet adopted my angry teen wardrobe, or removed my reflectors for that matter.)
Which is why I went from trying to copy freestyle moves I'd seen in magazines to racing on the track.

(This, incidentally, is why I like riding singlespeed mountain bikes.  It feels like the BMX racing I enjoyed so much as a kid.)
Nevertheless, as I'm sure you can imagine, as soon as I got on the skateboard I started to break out all my old moves, and then as now my entire repertoire consists exactly of this:


Seriously, I might as well be watching a video of myself.

So what I'm saying is basically it's only a matter of time before the board flies out from under me when I fail to land one of my pathetic ollies and I wind up in the ER.

In the meantime though it's been fun, and I figure I might as well enjoy it while my son's still too young to be humiliated by the sight of his father on a skateboard.  (Or until I wind up in the ER, whichever comes first.)  And surprisingly, perhaps the most enjoyable part so far (besides the familial bonding) has been buying the thing.

See, as much as I try to have a good attitude when I walk into a bike shop, as a complete bike dork I'm always secretly rolling my eyes whenever a member of the staff dares make a recommendation.  It's the insufferable attitude of the old man who'd been there and done that.  Believe me, I'm not proud of it.  In fact I make myself sick.

Not like I need to tell you any of this.  I mean you all read my blog.

Given this, it was incredibly refreshing to walk into a skate shop, embrace my ignorance, and completely surrender to the staff.  (I also refrained from binging on information from the Internet and then trying to pretend I knew what the hell I was talking about.)  Oh sure, I know a bearing from a bushing, and I'd even owned a couple of the retro boards that they had for sale, but it's been so long since I've paid close attention to skateboards that I wasn't going to even attempt picking one out for myself.  Best of all, there's not a lot of risk in buying what they tell you to buy, since while skateboards aren't cheap exactly they sure seem like it when your frame of reference is bicycles.

Seriously, consider what Fred pays for just a pair of handlebars:

For that money you can buy two skateboards and have plenty of change left over for weed, knit hats, or whatever the hell skaters spend their money on.

As for what I ended up buying, it's probably the equivalent of a hybrid bike or something, but that's about where I am in life anyway, and at least I didn't go for the electric model.
Finally, here's someone who has been thoroughly brainwashed:

Man wearing a Melbourne Bike Share helmet on a cycling study tour in the Netherlands. Impressive. pic.twitter.com/NVGmc9k2a5— Stephen B (@BicycleAdagio) June 7, 2017

Wearing a helmet while city cycling the Netherlands is like wearing a latex glove when you masturbate.

And on that note, I'm off, and I'll see you back here on Friday.

Love,


--Wildcat Rock Machine

Keeping Bikes Dumb

Bike companies and Kickstarter entrepreneurs have been pushing the concept of the "smart bike" for awhile now.  Consider for example the VanMoof SmartBike, which incorporates such features as theft tracking and keyless entry:


The smartest thing on wheels.

The VanMoof SmartBike is unlike any other bike. Not only will it ship with anti-theft parts and tracking that make it terrifying to bike thieves. If a thief is brilliant enough to get past all that, we promise to get your stolen bike back to you in two weeks, or we'll replace it. We call this the VanMoof Peace of Mind Service, and every SmartBike gets it totally free of charge for the first two years.

Not only is the SmartBike a nightmare for thieves. It's also been designed to be the ultimate city bike. Unlike most bikes that get rustier with time, this one will get smarter over time, thanks to all the tech packed inside the frame and a dedicated smartphone app. It’s totally keyless, and can be unlocked with the tap of a finger on a smartphone or even the touch of a hand on the bike.

While I do have certain retrogrouchical tendencies--I don't care for the crabon, I think rim brakes on road bikes work just fine thankyouverymuch, and I prefer a quick release skewer to a thru-axle even on my mountaining bikes--the truth is that in real life I embrace technology.  More than that, I believe that as a species we're in the process of digitizing not only the things we use in everyday life but consciousness itself.  Just hand a toddler a smartphone, watch how adeptly they use it, and it becomes clear that this is all part of our evolution.  Some may find this creepy, but I find it inspiring, and I for one welcome our new technological overlords and eagerly await next phase of human existence:



Wow, I better take it easy, after all it's only Tuesday.

Nevertheless, having said that, I believe in keeping all that crap off your bike.  Consider the theft-tracker.  Sure, it sounds good, and having your bike stolen definitely sucks, but how effective is this thing really?  Well, according to an article from February of this year, VanMoof has recovered ten (10) bikes since they implemented the system in 2016:

Instead of putting its customers at risk of a standoff with bike thieves, though, the company promises it will handle the grunt work. And while VanMoof has recovered about 10 stolen smart bikes since they went on sale in 2016, this past weekend the company hired the first employee of a new new dedicated “bike hunter” team and started chronicling the adventures on Medium.

That's not very much.  In fact, I'd wager that in any decent-sized city 10 stolen bikes are recovered in a single week by their owners, who find them under the nearest highway overpass or being peddled on Craigslist.  That's not to say that plenty of bikes don't vanish, never to be seen again, but at the same time a service such as this is probably more a content-generating PR campaign than anything else.  I don't want to call it a "gimmick" because that seems a bit unfair, but at the same time the truth is relatively few people are actually going to take advantage of the anti-theft guarantee so there's little risk on the part of the company in terms of offering it.

Oh sure, once in awhile they may have to follow a truck to Brussels or something:

Spending half a day scouring a city only to have to travel to another country is a rather inefficient way to recover a stolen item. It’s also not sustainable for a small company like VanMoof. But this James Bondian approach isn’t without reason. In fact, it has to do with the compromises associated with tracking something using a GSM signal. VanMoof says the bikes’ cellular signals are easier to track when they’re moving, meaning they’re always going to expect a bit of a chase on a search-and-rescue mission.

But it pays for itself in terms of publicity.

Then there's the other aspect of the "smart bike," which is communication and data consumption, and there's no shortage of bike, helmet, and accessory makers who want you to be able to access all manner of data safely while riding your bike.  Consider "GObyLIVI," which recently appeared on the Kickstarter:



It's got the usual assortment of features, including the increasingly common "crash detection" whereby in the event of a spill it supposedly calls your emergency contact to notify them that you may or may not at that very moment be dead:


Like the theft-tracking feature, there are precious few reports of this actually working in the wild.  In fact, as I've mentioned in a previous post, I've been unable to find a single report of such a system coming into play--and that's saying a lot, because cyclists love to crow about stuff on the Internet.  Mention that you think helmets are ineffective and 100 people will immediately tell you the story of how one saved their life; mention that crash detection is a gimmick and all you hear are crickets.
But what about the other features, such as being able to get directions or place a call or text while you ride without having to handle your phone?  Surely that's a convenient safety feature, right?
Nah.
Just as I've gotten over toddler handling smartphones with aplomb I've also gotten over people using their phones while they ride.  If anything, I think someone texting while riding is a sign of a healthy society in which people are comfortable and adept enough on bicycles to engage in everyday behavior.  Sure, the boogeyman in this scenario is the incompetent cyclist who Mr. Magoos it through an intersection causing a six-car pile-up or takes you out while texting, but like the successful theft-tracker or the life-saving crash notification call this is something that mostly just exists in theory, an image conjured up by concern trolls.  The fact is an incompetent cyclist is an incompetent cyclist whether or not they're using their phone, and for a competent cyclist using your phone while riding is about as dangerous as reaching down your pants to adjust your [insert your specific genitalway here].
And if you don't believe me, keep in mind I'm typing this entire blog post while cycling and nothing bad has ha