Doug Moe's Blog, page 3
December 7, 2018
Sound Off
Maybe I have early-onset curmudgeon syndrome, but I am increasingly bewildered by how many people think it’s okay to play things out loud: phones, videos, *snippets* of videos with the volume ON and the headphones OFF. Why? WHY? Why should I have to hear this stuff? You’d think that being a long-time New York resident would have inoculated me to noise, but all this device noise is a real BEE IN MY BONNET.
On the subway the other day, two anti-social tweens with a bluetooth speaker held the train hostage with their shitty hip-hop. And one of them had headphones idling on his neck, so I know he knows better.
Am I too old for this shit? Is this because of Instagram Stories? I used to hate listening to one side of someone’s cell phone conversation in a public place, but now I almost long for those days. One day I found myself near Lincoln Center and had a little time to kill, so I decided to kill it in an atrium/coffee place nearby. Because it’s Lincoln Center, a jazz group was doing a soundcheck/ warm-up in the atrium. It was GREAT. We’re in New York City, in Lincoln Center, in PUBLIC, in a coffeeshop/atrium and there is a woman connecting to the wifi to watch her TV stories on her computer without headphones. I asked her to turn it down and she shot me big-time daggers, but I deflected them ninja-style because I was right! It’s crazy.
Where are THE PARENTS? I declare that no child of mine (okay, my one child) shall play their phone out loud! Santa will not gift her with a Bluetooth speaker unless it comes with a contract of appropriate usage. It’s not okay for me to hear music out loud, it’s not okay for me to hear ZHOOP-KAPLOW or whatever dumb noise your kid’s game makes. I shouldn’t have to hear ELMO. My kid is 12 now; I live Elmo-free now. I paid my dues.
But sadly, I know where the parents are. They are nearby, merrily enjoying their burger at Shake Shack while I listen to their infant’s Bulgarian Elmo video. We are in a RESTAURANT. Okay, it is only a few steps above a McDonald’s and I am standing because there are not enough tables. Fine. It ain’t fancy. But trust me that your kid doesn’t need to hear Elmor or whatever he’s called in Bulgaria. Whatever happened to bringing crayons??
Harumph!
November 29, 2018
One of the very nice reviews of my book - it’ll make a great...
One of the very nice reviews of my book - it’ll make a great gift for some dads out there. Hope you’ll pick it up.
Man Vs. Child: One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of Parenting
November 26, 2018
Cranberry sauce is not a meal
Kids: you can’t just eat cranberry sauce!
November 21, 2018
November 19, 2018
Meme Talk
My daughter seems to be speaking in some kind of cockney rhyming slang these days. I can’t understand half of what she says because it is a reference to a meme or some in-joke.
Me: Dinner’s ready.
Her: What are THOSE?
Me: What?
Her: It’s a me, Mario!
*Help.* Doesn’t she know that the only universally known references are from “Monty Python’s Holy Grail?”
November 16, 2018
I'm Dad
Dad: Oh nice to meet you hungry, I'm dad!
Kid: No, dad I'm really hungry! Can I have something to eat?
Dad: Oh nice to meet you No dad I'm really hungry can I have something to eat, I'm dad!
Kid: This isn't a joke! Is there food or not?
Dad: Oh nice to meet you this isn't a joke is there food or not, I'm dad!
Kid: Dad, that doesn't even follow the joke format!
Dad: Oh nice to meet you that doesn't even follow the joke format, I'm dad!
Kid: Dad, are you stuck in a loop or what is happening? Are you okay?
Dad: Oh nice to meet you yes I'm stuck in a time loop please help me, I'm dad!
Kid: Dad, I'm going to help!
Dad: Oh nice to meet you going to help, I'm dad!
[slap]
[Dad gasps for air]
Kid: I'm sorry I had to slap you dad.
Dad: Oh nice to meet you I'm sorry I had to slap you dad, I'm dad!
[scary music]
November 15, 2018
manvchild:Blatantly exploiting my cats to remind you -...
Blatantly exploiting my cats to remind you - ESPECIALLY the new batch of comedy folk that are becoming dad’s and moms - that my #manvschildbook makes a great addition to your
November 12, 2018
Effort/Grades =
My daughter is struggling a little bit in math. They’re currently working on unit rates and proportionality. Not easy stuff, but it seems like she could put the YouTube down for a second and crack a math book every once in a while. So I was on her the other day about her lax attitude towards studying.
Not surprisingly, she disagreed. But her defense was novel - she alleged that her level of effort was perfectly appropriate because if she did less work she would fail, and if she did more work she would be too stressed. She was essentially arguing that the *unit rate* of her effort/time was enough to get her a good grade. I pointed out to her that at the current rate, it would not be enough, that in fact her unit rate would have to increase. But wow, kudos for figuring out a math-appropriate way to disagree with me. Hopefully she can improve her math skills enough to understand that her math skills need to improve.
November 9, 2018
Not a Creep
Yesterday I had an hour to kill, so I did what you do: I went to H&M and Old Navy to look for pants for my daughter. She’s 12 now with legs that are 80 feet long, so all of her pants are too short and WINTER IS COMING.
My main goal when shopping in the girl’s section is to seem like I’m not a creep. That’s the vibe I hope to send out: "I’m not a creep.“ Unfortunately, that is probably *exactly* the vibe creeps try to send out.
It might be my imagination, but I just think that the women shopping near me are a little suspicious of me being in their section. Little do they know that I am actually being a *great dad.* Feel bad now?
When my daughter was little, I went to "Mommy & Me” classes, I changed diapers and the rest of it. I used to be much more immune to feeling out of place, the only dad in a bunch of moms. No big whoop. But as my daughter has gotten older, I’ve grown rusty. Anyway, being a dad these days is about normalizing crap like this. Dads gotta get out there and do this stuff! They gotta shop for pants! Wouldn’t it be great to see many more men in the women’s clothing section?
November 8, 2018
dougmoe:Now that yer voting arms are warmed up, please cast...
Now that yer voting arms are warmed up, please cast another vote for How Not to Get Shot and Other Advice from White People in the Goodreads Choice Awards? It’s in the Semi-Finals for Best Humor! I’m really proud of this book and DL speaks to so much of what’s going on these days. You can not here: https://www.goodreads.com/choiceawards/best-humor-books-2018
A little off-topic for my dad blog, but please check out the book I co-authored for DL and vote for it on Goodreads!
