Doug Moe's Blog, page 19

The Secret Life of GirlsMy friend Steve Collins made this...

The Secret Life of Girls

My friend Steve Collins made this incredibly sweet film that you can get on iTunes or Amazon now.  Here’s the description:

A lyrical documentary that follows a year in the life of two little sisters growing up against the backdrop of the changing New England seasons.  Told entirely from a childs’ perspective, the film puts a microscope on the small obstacles of youth, allowing us to see the beauty of everyday struggle.

Feel like it’s a little lazy to have a two-eyed Minion on...

Feel like it’s a little lazy to have a two-eyed Minion on the bottom of a toothbrush that already looks like a one-eyed Minion.  Right?  Shouldn’t they put a mouth around the middle and pants on the bottom?  Do I have to do all the work around here?

What’s wrong with my daughter’s clothing?

Turquoise shirt with arrows - “neck is too loose”
Pink jeans - “too scratchy”Orange socks - “Keep bunching up!!!”Sneakers - “hurt my feet!”Jacket - “Too big!”Hat - “Keeps making knots in my hair!”Long socks - “My toe!!!!”Other shirt - “Aaaaargggghhhh!”

Serenity Prayer with CatsThis morning we had Fresh Direct...

Serenity Prayer with Cats

This morning we had Fresh Direct delivered amidst a lot of chaos.  I had stayed up too late (clicking around on Ancestry, natch), so I was cranky.  My wife had to catch her early train to work and so I was trying to unpack the groceries and make my own coffee and my brain was not yet awake.  

The second the groceries were delivered, I could tell my cat was excited.  A new pile of boxes!  She proceeded to jump into the boxes every time I brought something to the fridge.  Kale in fridge, cat in box.  Yogurt in fridge, cat in box.  Over and over.  

And because I’m basically a huge angry baby when I haven’t had enough sleep or coffee, I was yelling at the cat and hitting the box:  "HaZEL! STOP jumping in the box!  Get OUT OF HERE!!!“  I was spazzing out.

My daughter chimed in from the living room:  "Dad!  Stop yelling at the cats!  That’s what they do:  they jump in boxes!”

She was right.  That’s what cats do:  they jump in boxes.  I was freaking out about something that wasn’t going to change.  Stay calm, change what you can and work through the rest.

Kids are a mirror:  through biology and/or crappy parenting, my daughter has the same flashes of frustration that I do.  Not twenty minutes later, she was spazzing out about her sock feeling weird in her sneaker and I was telling her to calm down and work through it.  

This feels like a metaphor for life these days, a variation on the old Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (cats jumping in boxes/weird socks),
Courage to change the things I can (delivery times/lacing your sneakers properly),
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Big announcement: one of the reasons I’ve been slacking...

Big announcement:  one of the reasons I’ve been slacking off on this blog lately is that I have been working on a book:  Man vs. Child: One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of Parenting.  It will be published in May by @abramsbooks, but if you like to take the bull by the horns, you could pre-order it right here.

I hope you guys enjoy it.  I started my blog because I wanted to talk about the craziness of being a dad, but without being too precious about it.  This book is a guide for dads who still have a sense of humor but are worried about screwing up their kids.  It goes from just before pregnancy, when you’re whooping it up in the fast lane, through to when you have a big kid who doesn’t need you anymore.  It’s got sections like "Let’s Work on Sleep Training Forever" and “Playing Dress-up With Dignity.”  And lots more!  

Anyway, I’m hoping to get back into the blogging a bit more, now that the book is done.  You’ll be hearing a lot more about it and I hope you’ll pick up a copy if you are yourself a dad or if you know a dad.  That’s all of you.  Heck, buy 3 copies each please.  

I finally went and did it

I’ve abandoned my Man V Child twitter handle and moved everything over to my main Twitter handle @dougmoe. There I will be posting some parening humor, as well as insightful political commentary like this:

How much sillier would things be if his name was Vladimir Pudding

— Doug Moe (@DougMoe) December 30, 2016

Follow me at @DougMoe

Never Enough CatsGot a weird series of emails from my wife the...

Never Enough Cats

Got a weird series of emails from my wife the other day.  This one’s subject was:

“

Are these Barbies going to pull a Westworld? I’m freaking out.

Are these Barbies going to pull a Westworld?  I’m freaking out.

Friends from @funnyordie asked me to demonstrate my dad joke...

This Daughter's Reaction To The Perfect Dad Joke Will Inspire You from Jason Flowers

Friends from @funnyordie asked me to demonstrate my dad joke chops on my daughter.  

Welcome to Middle School 697

Welcome to MS697, prospective parents!  We think your child could definitely excel at our wonderful school.

Here at MS697 we believe in a strong foundation of English, Math, Science and Social Studies.  We have partnerships with Columbia Teaching College, The Math Institute, The Center for Scientific Inquiry and the Social Justice Learning Center.  Each of these prestigious institutions comes to us to learn from our 6th grade scholars.

This is not to say we ignore an arts education.  Far from it!  Each 6th grader can choose a specialty:  fine arts, pottery, basket-weaving, viral content or expressive dancing.  Many of our graduates have gone on to become influencers in their chosen field.

If English, Math, Science, Social Studies, Arts and Dancing are our core principles, our most treasured area of focus is physical education.  All students participate in six periods of Jumping and Bolting each semester, with the option to join the Boot Camp Workout Crew for those who want a more structured, aggressively physical approach.

As you walk around the school today, please ask our citizen scientists to share their latest botanical observations.  All plant life growing in the school will be sustainably harvested to supplement the free vegan school lunch.  

Every piece of artwork on the walls has received a major award from independent art competitions.  The gymnasium was designed by I.M. Pei.  The library was modeled on the ancient Library of Alexandria with a grant from Microsoft, Google and Facebook.  Every student receives a SmartPad, a Linked-In Career Outreach Toolbook and a Comcast-NBC-GoPro Personal Video Recorder and Upload Optimizer.

We trust you’ll find MS697 to be a great choice for your child!

Admissions are based on a random lottery selection; last year we had 64,787 applicants for our 43 seats.  Thank you for attending our six-hour info session and enjoy your tours of other schools in our district over the next eighty weeks!