Jessica Shepherd's Blog, page 6

On Feeling Powerless

there are so many things to feel powerless around
plastics
war
unnegotiable change
death
what’s on offer at the market
an unresponsive relationship
when your healing hits you like a 2×4
extreme wealth
extreme poverty
so, so, much

where’s your power, then?
where is it among so many realities you cannot affect (or do very little)?

in the honest feeling of it
in your warm body
in your deep dark belly
on your pelvic floor
in the grief and fear- if that is what you need
in the joys that call your art forward- if that is what you need
in the call for Divine Help – if that is what you need
in the desire for one small victory, today – if that is what you need

when there are no easy answers,
when the situation is unchanged
and you don’t yet know what to do

feel it
acknowledge what you honestly feel
name your experience, one feeling at a time

you are not in control
but you are not helpless
there is always someone to care for, help along, comfort, understand, support:

You

this is how to bring a thimble full of Light to the dark
how to be in your power amidst uncertainty and more

Ask: what am I honestly feeling? what do I need right now?

be willing to feel it; do that thing that nurtures you

…then watch as the shadows scatter like moths chased by the light of your own Loving Awareness

The post On Feeling Powerless appeared first on Jessica Shepherd.

Trust Life Again

Like you, my life as an artist began with paper and crayola crayons. Over the years it’s kind of converged, back there, to that innocent place again. Mainly because making art can be so intimidating that you never even try.

In college, I became an art major not because of inherent talent or encouragement but because I was fascinated by the symbolism contained within the images of art (a precursor, certainly, to my love for astrology).Because I was curious as to whether I could make art, I took the 101’s and 201’s, and learned that making art was more learned skill than talent. Printmaking interested me (foreshadowing my love for publishing).  I remember my instructor saying she thought I was really hard on myself; she told me I was good, and the confidence I craved would come with practice.

By graduation year, my advisor suggested I stay an extra year to solidify my skills, so I had something solid to offer in the workforce (sour face).

Over a decade later, while in Vienna for a month, I sought out a week-long intensive with a local artist. A fastidious Virgo, she wanted to turn me into a “real” artist – whether that was my goal or not. I was to spend 8 hours a day in her studio, drawing. It was stressful, and productive. She also had a fabulous espresso machine to keep me going, and me, a lover of coffee, I had upwards of 6 shots most days. I returned home with some fabulous drawings, the likes of which I will never be able to recreate. Nor would I want to; they were too perfect. I also came back with a case of bad adrenal fatigue.

My path to art-making has been one of ongoing permission: To make just okay art, explore myself, or take a break from other things. I’ve learned to not: Turn what can be fun and interesting into an arduous, tedious goal hellbent on perfect realism, and to not use art-making as more fuel for the inner critic.

Confidence, as my art professor told me, is acquired through experience, practice.

…but TRUST in oneself? Self-trust is acquired through feeling SAFE to play loosely and freely.

It feels like we could all stand to trust in life, and in ourselves, all over again, which is why it feels good to sketch.

I have not sketched in maybe over a year or more. This definitely means starting all over again.

I use blind contour drawing to begin; I draw what I see without even looking down at the paper or pen. I accept whatever shows up. It helps me to loosen up, and work through self-doubt. Blind contour drawing teaches you to observe the subject so closely, become so intimate with it, to know well: that curve, that shine in the eye, that downy feathered tail. But, since you do it without looking, self-evaluation doesn’t get to join the party (ha!).

I also commit to working with a pen so I won’t be tempted to erase mistakes. Mistakes, of which there are many, are a part of the process, and some become a part of the art.

I’ve also learned that unless I intensely love the subject, I don’t get results I enjoy. My dog. Animals. Nature. Whatever it is, it must fill me with elation, fascination, love, while studying it. I can see the love – in the most modest sketches (often my favorites).

Most of us are struggling with self-trust, and confidence, nowadays. Life has dealt heavy blows.

After being so long at a stormy sea, we are finding our sea legs all over again. When disembarking from a disorienting journey, certain behaviors: Perfectionism, self-criticism, force, pressure, tedium…are utterly useless, if not severely disabling. These will not help us find our way back to safety and self-trust. Uninhibited, spontaneous, looseness will.

We can do this through reconnecting with our heart—a felt sense of the Lover loving its beloveds, be that bird, bee, pet, person. When we are the Lovers beholding, appreciating, and loving the Beloveds of the world… love is easy to find.

Art facilitates heart reconnection (it’s no accident art is in the word he-art). Find something you’d love to spend time appreciating, and then give yourself permission to explore it in any medium. Write, color, sketch, collage, take a few moments to be imperfect, messy, and intimate. Art can be anything you make, and anything can become art.

Most of us are well-seasoned in using criticism, rigor and perfectionism to get results from our Self. Art combats this for me. I create until I fall in love, or till I’m bored with, what I’m working on. Maybe it’s only an hour, maybe I only like one sketch, and maybe it’s something only for me. It’s all okay. No rules. Only following inspiration to see where it leads.

But you know what this act of creating gives me? Safety. A safe place, for the self-trust I’m newly nurturing, to land.

p.s.- to see or purchase some of my sketches click here.

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Your Identity Is Abundance

As long as you think you don’t have something, you won’t have it…

This was the message Spirit shared with me this morning.

I was in the middle of my reconnection practice when I asked Spirit to show me what it feels like to Root into my pelvic bowl, my Seat of Knowing, but I knew that behind that question was a sense of “What if I can’t do it…?”

In knowing myself as a clear vessel for connection, one of the consistent issues I run into is feeling myself to be limited.

Lacking… needing, wanting something that I think I can’t get, be, or have.

The paradox here is that when you are sitting with “I don’t have” you are not in “I have”.

You are not in I AM, you are in I AM NOT.

From that place of lack (and not Abundance), it is impossible to get from here …to there.

But…you might say…I look around and I really don’t have these things I want, Jessica…

To which I would reply: This is either because your Soul doesn’t truly want them right now (more about this in a future post)-or- because you are in misunderstanding about who you truly are.

That’s what I’d like to talk about here. Who you truly are. Your Divine Identity.

You are Everything.

…Just because you aren’t in the experience you want doesn’t mean you aren’t that experience.

We are ALWAYS connected to our Divinity, unlimited in ability to co-create exactly what our Soul wants to experience, BUT our ideas, conditioning, usually from childhood, can block us from being a clear channel.

I believe this is why many struggle to manifest what we want, nowadays.

It’s like sitting in your house and believing that because you are sitting there at home right now you can’t ever be in Paris (gheesh, does this describe where you are in your thinking, as a result of the pandemic? Pandemic conditioning, anyone?).

Your Soul is everything and everywhere, and just because you aren’t in Paris in this moment, in this next one, you really can be in Paris, whether energetically, mentally, or geographically – if that’s what your Soul wants for you.

See?

You are Everything. 

…Just because you aren’t in the experience you want doesn’t mean you aren’t that experience.

Bear with me here because this concept is sooooo deep, so let it take a minute to sink in.

You already ARE EVERYTHING. You already HAVE EVERYTHING.

Really KNOW this, in your body and feelings, and you will change EVERYTHING.

What I’m talking about, here, is a major Identity shift.

A shift from lack into abundance. A shift from believing yourself to be small and limited to believing yourself to have access to your Divinity, Connection, Guidance, Soul Knowing…whatever it is you need, at will, at any given time.

Here’s a metaphor for you: Do you believe yourself to be the coconut tree, or the bar of soap? Here in Hawaii, coconuts abound, and they make just about everything- from food to lotion to fragrance. If you are aligned with your Divinity, you are resourceful. You don’t define yourself to being just one thing. Why would you? You are Divinity, which can do, be, see, experience anything. That’s one of your MAIN reasons your Soul has for being in a body; a diversity of experiences. This means when plans or circumstances change, you can figure it out, because you GET TO experience something else.

Not because you can’t have one thing or another, but because you GET TO HAVE something new.

The Astrology of the Abundant True Self

Those who study astrology know that Jupiter is the planet of Abundance.

Last year (and into this one), the Saturn/Uranus square transited my fourth house Jupiter in Aquarius. I will attempt to describe how this has felt, while knowing I cannot do it justice with words. At first I wavered between the marvelous sense of expansiveness that I know myself to BE (fourth house=innermost self; Jupiter=abundance) and this little prick of limitation (Saturn). Then, the limitations started rapidly piling up; all the things I couldn’t do, be, or have at that moment.

…Chronic pain (I have fibromyalgia, and this flared up strongly).

…Lack of relationships/connection (I had just moved to Hawaii when the pandemic began, so I have little community here).

…Lack of mobility and freedom (I chose to socially distance and not travel).

I do think the pandemic has played a star role in triggering this for me, but it was not its source. The source is in my childhood conditioning (fourth house). The shaming messages I received about being weird/strange/different (Aquarius) and not being “enough”, and the reality of neglect; of often not having enough (Saturn, planet of limitation, co-rules the sign of Aquarius)…this is what arose for me when I was triggered by all those pandemic limitations.

I noticed a duality or split occurs when I’m in “not enough”. “Enough” gets inflated with so much internal pressure and unrealism attached to it, the fact of my Divinity becomes special, elevated, out of reach, and something to achieve, instead of being my ordinary True Self state. I bounced between not enough and internal striving for something unattainable.

Connection to your True Divinity, your Abundance, is ordinary and every day and neutral in feeling. It is not an extraordinary gift only given to a few special few (Jupiter over-inflates, over-endows, certain things with a special luminous quality; some people do this in love relationship when Jupiter is involved, but I can over-endow Spirit Connection!).

…Again, when we think we need to achieve something (something special, something we don’t have) we are operating from lack. When we strive for what we are not/don’t have, we are squarely in I AM NOT. Which feels awful, because it’s untrue.

Always, the resolution is returning to Be-ing. Ordinary, natural, neutral, expansive state of Be-ing. The I AM.

“I AM” is your birthright… I AM is Abundant…I AM is EVERYTHING…I AM has and knows EVERYTHING

This is the Identity Shift I’m talking about. It’s the one I’m right in the midst of making.

Releasing Conditioning

Divinity, as an inward reality and ability to connect, is not a magical thing– it is equally given to One and All.

You are a conduit or vessel to Divine Truth, your Soul, whatever you would like to call it. Imagine you can feel this as a chamber of light within, like a pipe or straw. Your conditioned thoughts will contract the pipe, create pressure, make the connection smaller. You will experience congestion and blockages as lack of clarity, confusion, emotion.

When you are in Light, those pipes are open, flowing, clear and you feel neutral.

The only thing that creates a more or less clear connection to Source is the conditioned thoughts you have.

What to do? Most of us have extremely persistent conditioning which surfaces at different times. First, acknowledge what the subconscious programming/conditioning IS. Then, there are many ways I work to help clear this: including EFT, and my energy work, and many of these energy tips I feature on my blog (and increasingly also my Facebook page here).

I also call my Divinity forward. Literally feeling myself as Light, and the other as a different energetic layer of preoccupation. I play with feeling being in my embodied Light, then setting an intention for the deepest gentleness and compassion I can muster, to step forward and soothe the sense of contraction I feel –that energetic conditioned over-layer, which is often accompanied by emotion like sadness, or anxiety. I invoke gentleness and as much self-love and understanding for this aspect of myself who is still so very vulnerable to believing I AM NOT instead of always knowing that I AM.

Another resource for me continues to be the Divination Deck. It helps tremendously with all of this. It’s like talking directly to Spirit, and having it reply, truthfully, simply, steadily, gently is a consistent phenomenon, one I continue to marvel at. If you experience ongoing conflict between your conditioned Self and your True Self, trust you me, this deck was MADE for YOU!

Knowing, embodying, my True Divine Self is ongoing.

I don’t claim to have healed this entirely, not yet, but I’ve gotten so much further down the road. However, I want to say: so much of the work you see me manifest arises entirely because and out of this long conversation with myself.

I’m sure there will be more conversations shared, in the future. Till then, I hope you are having a peaceful 2022. Till next time, may you know your Self as Light, and may you deeply know your birthright: Your Abundant Divine True Self.

The post Your Identity Is Abundance appeared first on Jessica Shepherd.

When You Aren’t Manifesting What You Want

 

It’s taken me 48 years to really hear this essential thing about myself:

My Soul likes adversity. Enjoys it. Wants it, even.

Hmm. It sounds perverse, doesn’t it? But maybe you can relate to this…

Sometimes what we think we want isn’t what we truthfully want.

I got this hard to swallow little nugget when I was making my “I am ready for a Miracle” manifestation list of wildest wants, the shoot for the Moon list where you leave nothing out. It’s an interesting exercise when it alerts you to desires, hungers, you may not have allowed in. Like, for me, a simple grilled cheese sandwich – cheese! Bread! Which makes sense… as it’s been over 25 years.

I’ve done similar manifestation lists this numerous times but I’ve never experienced this. I wrote “I want to be free from chronic muscle pain and sensitivity…” but when I checked in with my Root, the area of the body located in the pelvic bowl, also known as the “seat of our Soul (Knowing)”, this statement didn’t sound entirely true. Instead: I want to make peace with chronic muscle pain and sensitivity. I want to stop being in conflict with myself, because that’s eating up my energy and time, and because, my Soul enjoys adversity.

Back up… whaaa?

I just heard: My Soul likes adversity.

My Ego did not like this one bit!!! It still doesn’t.

But you know what? It feels true. My astrological chart corroborates. My Moon sign, which illuminates what makes our Soul happy, is in Aries, sign of the warrior, and every warrior needs adversity. My Cancer Sun is in a grand cross involving Mars, Pluto and the nodes. This is very true to my experience — especially in light of the skills I’ve acquired and the person I have become due to adversity. Oddly “my soul likes adversity” felt much truer than the desire to eliminate the perpetual sources of my discomfort. It also felt truer than all the statements that followed, many of which were invisibly prefaced by: “If I didn’t have these chronic sources of annoyance and discomfort, then I would finally have (XYZ…all the things I’ve ever wanted)…”

Not true. There goes my Miracle list. All of my wildest wants and hungers became questionable, suddenly, when exposed to the fire of this Truth: My “wants” were predicated on eliminating the very means by which my Soul has chosen to experience life.

Not a very powerful position for manifesting, is it? Believing oneself to be limited never is.

The reality is: We cannot manifest what our Soul is not in alignment/agreement with.

This goes against popular spiritual techniques that coach us with the idea that we can manifest or cure anything.

It is the missing ingredient in many of the manifestation techniques we’ve learned in New Thought.

We can only have what our Soul is in agreement for us to have, and experience.

This is why discerning your Soul’s YES from your Ego’s story is a worthy investigation.

Otherwise, we try to “manifest”, fail, and feel we have done it wrong – or worse, that we are wrong. Which leads us right back to core wounds/conditioning we have around lack — of not having or being enough— the same core wounds we want to step out of.

We cannot be in our limitless power; we cannot understand and deeply know the powerful co-creative capability of our True Self, if we are attempting to manifest from our Ego’s desires, thoughts and beliefs instead of our Soul’s knowing.

There were other things on my I Need A Miracle List- I want to teach more; I want to create, be inspired, joyful; to experience new connections and relationships. This felt True… but not dependent on adversity’s elimination. Quite the opposite, truthfully.

The exercise helped me to realize that I had been putting so many conditions on myself. I’d been using every setback, which, this fall and winter, have been considerable for my human self – arriving in sets of huge ocean waves, knocking me down and holding me under in the blackest of waters – as evidence that I would likely be unable to have, or sustain, my deepest desires.

I didn’t and don’t need a miracle; I need to make peace with my Soul’s True path for me.

I actually didn’t even want a grilled cheese sandwich. I realized this hunger was a knee-jerk reaction to feeling limited in other areas.

Instead, I want to be at peace within, in total acceptance of, this path my Soul has chosen for me.

To me, this meant inviting magical & synchronous ways to be more at ease in physical reality. It also includes the invitation to step into my Divine Identity, my limitless power, more fully. Because I believe the worst lie we tell our self is “I can’t have what I want”.

As this unfolded, I gradually went on active alert for other areas where I might be in conflict with my Soul’s Truth. For instance, during the height of the recent holiday pandemic surge my stepdaughter got married, in Berkeley, California. I was very against this idea of gathering; it felt dangerous, reckless, and it went against every code of behavior and belief I’d undertaken since this all began; to not attend big events, and to strongly limit indoor interactions, most especially during a surge. Consciously, I did NOT want to attend this event; my Ego was 180 degrees opposed to it. Yet at the end of a prolonged period of embodied energy work and tapping, I released all obstacles to the Truth, and discovered…

My Soul said I would enjoy the event, and it was in total alignment.

Huh?

Because my dedication is only to my Soul’s Truth, I listened. I attended the wedding, and it went beautifully for all involved, and most importantly, for me (a family member expressed surprise that I was there; in fact, all bets were on my NOT going).

I’m sharing this with you because I am thinking of this New Year, and how most of us want things to be different. Yet the Soul often has very different ideas than the Ego mind, about what kind of different we want and what we will actually enjoy. If we are not listening from that deeply embodied place, we miss out on some real gems. I would’ve missed out on some major personal connection time with my sister (pictured with me, below) and my adorable eight-year-old niece flower girl, as well as sharing in a major celebratory family milestone.

This is being driven home to me, lately, again: We cannot manifest from Ego. Ever. As my teacher used to tell me: The Ego is NOT a creative force. The Soul is. Only the Soul can manifest — set things we truly want into motion that deliver fulfillment.

We can only manifest what our Soul wants for us to experience. This also means we aren’t going to eliminate what our Soul wants to experience.

Including, for me, a degree of adversity

So, when we’re creating intentions, resolutions, wants, goals…doesn’t it make sense to attempt to dance with your Soul? To more deeply sink into what wants and desires that are truer for you? To unravel what’s blocking you from what you truly want?

This whole exercise caused me to sit up and take notice, and to ask myself: What other things am I telling myself I want, or don’t, which don’t ring True? It was an interesting way to ring in the new year… And I have to say, my primary energy tools for working with this are 2 specific cards from my energy deck (if you want to play with these ideas with me, join me in setting Soul Intentions for 2022 — see below).

Now, I have one elegant intention for 2022: To be in conscious alignment with my Soul’s deepest desires for me. My Heart’s Desire, or — a mon seul désir (magic alert: if you recall my post about Venus retrograde, this phrase is written at the top of the Unicorn tapestry).

May you find your peaceful sense of inner alignment, your heart’s desire, this year of 2022 –and always.

P.S. Want to set some Soulful Intentions with me?

We all want this year to be different from 2020, too. Let’s do it.

Guided by two Intuitive Energy Divination Deck cards – the Abundance and the Root card(s)- let’s engage our limitless, powerful, True Self and write some poetic intentions that feel deeply resonant and soulfully True. Let’s tune into our wants and desires on a Soul level and become co-creative in 2022.

To make magic with 2+0+2+2=6, I would like at least 6 guaranteed attendees.

WHEN: Sunday 2/6 at 2 PM HAST (convert timezone right here)

WHERE: Zoom. If attending live, to foster connection, please be open to showing your radiant face on camera, and being recorded. Once I receive enough recipients and its a go, I will email you a Zoom link a few days prior to confirm. If you cannot make the time, the Zoom session will be e-mailed to you.

HOW MUCH: Guarantee your spot by sending $25 payment to either Paypal moonkissd@gmail.com or Venmo @jesshepherd. If I do not get the required amount of attendees, I will refund your money.

BRING: Yourself, and a journal. You do not need to own the deck to participate.

The post When You Aren’t Manifesting What You Want appeared first on Jessica Shepherd.

Venus Retrograde: Under the Canopy

Venus turns retrograde at 26’29’ Capricorn for forty days, beginning on 12/19/21. Myth tells us her journey takes her into the underworld, where shadows and wounds are faced, relationships tested, self-worth issues addressed, illusions are stripped down to nothing, and ultimately a new integration occurs. It’s not a comfortable process.

It’s one version of the story. I won’t argue it. It’s real enough.

Yet there are other versions (one of which I will tell you about in a minute). But first…

The underworld is a real *psychic* place, not a physical one. This “underworld” is code for: Gaining Conscious Awareness. When we descend into the underworld, with Venus, we are deep diving into what we are not fully aware of. Yet.

There is something to reclaim, renew, redeem for our journey forward. To return, above ground in 40 days, with more Conscious Awareness, it helps to have some time, privacy, space for this very sacred and beautiful reclaiming.

After all, you can’t rush transformation…such processes take time, privacy and space – a protected space.

So I offer this metaphor to you: A beautiful canopy, to recline and retreat under. Yes, a beautiful, protected, cozy canopy. A canopy is a well-defined structure with boundaries. It’s what any Venus in Capricorn truly wants: A place to be Alone.

This morning, I remembered seeing The Lady and the Unicorn tapestries while in Paris. There is so much Divine Feminine energy emanating from these six panels, about which much has been written. Their magic was awesome and palpable! I feel it is a gorgeous metaphor for what can occur when Venus enters the Underworld (remember, the underworld, also known as, Gaining More Conscious Awareness) and then reemerges 40 days later, with treasure and gifts.

In the piece, this Venus figure is re-emerging. She has spent time in this space of removal from regular life and this is a picture of her return. She has courageously opened her heart and faced her fears (lion), discovered her uniqueness (unicorn), found loyal companionship (dog), and receives an actual treasure chest from her time spent in the underworld. Some scholars even say that this final panel of this mysterious set shows her receiving a sixth sense – of understanding. How magical is that?!

How might you make this transit work for you? Here are a few ideas:

-Retreat, pull inside yourself. What allows you to get underneath it all – underneath the noise, the mental chatter – and reconnect to yourself? Meditation? Other spiritual practices? Art-making? Typically we’d choose to be less social during Capricorn times, though obligations loom as well. Practical habits for solitary reconnection (Capricorn) will serve you now.

-Focus on your foundations and commitments. Ready to restructure your relationships, creative life, finances, commitments? Since Venus is inhabiting the earthy realm of Capricorn any structural work – physical, practical, foundational to your livelihood and well-being – is good. Commitment, what, who you commit to, and why, will be a theme to re-examine as well.

-Stop avoiding what you’ve been avoiding. On that note, it’s a good time to become curious about what nagging discomfort you’ve been pushing aside or repressing out of distraction, habit, or fear. This deep dive WILL involve honestly facing our deep fears and wounds, as this Venus thrice connects with Pluto (12/12, 12/26, 3/2/22) – planet of honesty, wounding, soul reclaiming.

-Notice what you’ve been denying yourself. This is the Goddess of Desire, so asking what you really want to give yourself permission to do, be or have… and you’ve been disallowing, repressing, denying yourself (Pluto)… is a good line of inquiry.

–Make the Gods and Goddesses Work For You. Some believe if you willingly undertake this process, because you have made the space for awareness, you have gone under the canopy… intentionally and willingly…  the Underworld won’t have to pull you down, from underneath, and catch you un-AWARE. So, in a practical example: if you already know you need more self-care, instead of having your body breakdown and becoming ill, why not make the decision, first, to do more self-care?

-Value your intrinsic innermost self, and don’t judge anything by appearance. Rehabilitating your self-worth, as well as clearly seeing the true value of people, things, ideas, are salient themes for any Venus retrograde time period.

I invite you to invoke the canopy, for yourself. Claim the space, time to go into your Awareness and help yourself become more Conscious of what’s pulling at you, from underneath. Practically, time spent under the canopy requires you to lessen commitments, and plan periods for solitary retreating, alone (why else would you be under the canopy)?

…and if you are fearfully wondering “what fresh hell is around the corner, now!?”… for the majority, if not all of you reading this, you already know what this is about, for you. It’s already “up”. You got it. Trust this knowing.

~Build the protective canopy, and then get underneath it. This is supreme self-care in action.~

Finally, in another version of “what can happen during Venus retrograde…” the last time Venus was retrograde (Gemini, May-June 2020), I birthed what became a beautiful work of art – the Intuitive Energy Divination Deck. Talk about a deep dive into Awareness! I didn’t know I was going to do this; I gave myself plenty of time, space and creative permission to explore the questions I was working with at the moment, and this happened. So, really, there are so many possibilities for this Venus transit.

I’ve already built my canopy for this Venus period: I’ve undertaken a course of study that is helping me to become more aware of improving my nervous and skeletal systems. It involves a level of slowing down and patience (Capricorn) that is radical, even for me! I’m spending so much alone time, working on minute, but I’m already feeling the rewards of improved tone and calm. This Venus stations opposite my Mercury (nervous system); slowly working on structural rehabilitation makes sense for me.

…A canopy is like a bubble; no matter what is going on in the world, the outer world doesn’t get to touch you, because you are so tucked away inside yourself… you are underneath it all. No matter what happens out-there, under the canopy you get to have the solitude, still and quiet of your own making. You get to take the time to explore what’s going on for you, right now.

Start building your canopy in your imagination. Make it yours, make it marvelous. What’s a canopy but a place to be quiet, reflect, integrate? Imagine the kind of canopy you’d like to spend time under. Maybe it’s on a beach, or within a bustling city. Then, once you’ve psychically claimed the structured space, internally, invite the structures of your external world to re-form around your intention. Intention is a powerful thing. If you need a place of retreat and self-care it will come, if you intend it. This Venus retrograde canopy is a beautiful place of solitude, where you can regroup, reflect, and reemerge with treasure.

p.s. – Want to learn about your own Venus sign? Check out Venus Signs: Discover your Erotic Gifts and Secret Desires Through Astrology. There’s no better time to explore than this retrograde period.

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This Triumphant Human Spirit

I want you to do something with me on this Dark of the Moon Eclipse.

Remember that time you felt what you most wanted and needed was impossible for you?

Remember that time when you were so discouraged, defeated and broken down that you thought you couldn’t continue…and perhaps, even, you didn’t want to go on in life?

Remember when you thought you couldn’t survive THAT (grief, pain, loss, lack)?

Now, come back into this moment. There you go. Here you are.

You did survive. You, eventually, found possibilities within what felt impossible.

You came back from defeat and loss and, eventually, you could smile again.

Even belly laugh. Eventually.

Over and over again, you have come back. You returned from the underworld with more compassion and heart, greater self-knowledge, and deeper understanding and respect for the mysterious human journey.

This morning, I have been reminding myself of the triumphant Human Spirit. We are so brave, so courageous, so adaptable. The Soul may not be touched by any of this (read my last post) because it is Eternal and has all the Answers… but the Human? The Human is here to work it out. To not have the answers in advance, to not know, and to still take one step forward. That’s Inner Knowing/Wisdom – where to place your foot in this particular moment, then the next.

((I love Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ definition of wisdom: What’s Wisdom? Wisdom is whatever works.))

Why am I reminding you of your remarkable resilience and capacity?

I’ve been thinking of this because I’ve had a hell of a time with chronic pain this autumn. If years of prayer, dedication, curiosity, discipline and persistence were the Answers for this, I’d be cured by now. The Answers (with a capital A) have ONLY come in the form of what’s needed moment by moment. So much so that I have to assume this minute and precise inner listening, getting really still, so quiet, and noticing everything, is THE Integration, is WHAT is unfolding for me.

I am remembering this because it is so TEMPTING to think that something is wrong or tragically broken within us, when things just won’t shift, transform or heal… Yet.

The reminder is: Victories have occurred in my life, and in yours. The reality of this is: It will happen when it happens.

So, at this eclipse, I choose to be triumphant: Amidst hardship, I choose to remember all I have overcome. In true Sagittarius spirit, I am choosing to step back, get perspective, see the big picture.

I am choosing to embrace the one who suffers, while also acknowledging the unique journey this has strange pain has taken me on, over the course of my life. Because without ALL of the experiences that have shaped me, I simply wouldn’t be ME. I choose to acknowledge the suffering -AND- where the suffering has led me…

-At age 17, I became mysteriously ill. I had to leave school. I lost all my friends. In the time I spent in bed, unable to engage with life, I learned astrology (I “happened to” live just a few blocks away from the only metaphysical bookstore in town). By age 21, I had healed enough to be on my own, finally.

-At age 27, I became injured jumping off a waterfall which led to fibromyalgia (chronic pain).  

-At age 28, I was in chronic pain, jobless, and homeless. I practiced metaphysical techniques in earnest; manifesting a job, house and permanently transformed my poverty consciousness.

-At age 29 I decided to practice astrology professionally and undertook what would become a seven year mentorship with an astrologer. 

-At age 30, spending so much energy on SURVIVAL, I’d work, come home, and manage pain; I thought I’d be alone forever. This prompted me to use spiritual techniques to draw love to me. Age 32, I became engaged to my Soul Mate, quit my job and began writing and practicing professional astrology full-time. At age 35, I wrote my first book, A Love Alchemists Notebook chronicling this love experiment, and my healing. At age 37 it was published…

…All the while, I have learned and experimented with many healing modalities, some that worked and some that didn’t, and embraced my identity as a Healer.

This is the exercise of life: We meet obstacles and we rise to them, again and again. We find the courage and resilience to not be defeated.

There’s a poem I published on my Facebook page, and the last line has stayed with me, so I want to share it again. It’s a poem called Keeping Quiet by the Chilean poet Pablo Neruda (linked), who wrote beautiful words, and likewise he lived beautifully (I’ve visited his house in Santiago, Chile; it is extraordinary), but he also lived during a very tumultuous time and eventually he was (likely) murdered for his political beliefs. He had a triumphant spirit, most certainly.

You can read the full poem but here is the line that stands out to me:

Perhaps the earth can teach us
as when everything seems dead
and later proves to be alive.

It’s been true for me, and I imagine it’s true for you. When things appear at their most dismal (and perhaps we can only see this in hindsight), this is the time we most often overlook this Truth: Something is growing, moving, underneath. New beginnings. Openings. Clearing of space. Life.

This is how my calling has worked: despair transformed into personal inquiry transformed into forward movement transformed into becoming. Always transforming.

May this Sagittarius Eclipse inspire you to remember who you are: You are so MUCH MORE than the obstacles you face. You are Magnificent.

 

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Reconnect with Your Loving YESSSSSS….

I remember a plaque that hung in my childhood kitchen. It was a picture of a Goddess and it read: Bless this Mess. Indeed, things were a mess back then, and we needed Her blessing. The idea of blessing what’s unwanted, messy, has eternal relevance.

Personally, I’ve experienced more physical pain this fall than I’d prefer (that’s my civilized Libra Rising talking; my Aries Moon says, it has sucked b*&^!), and the ONLY thing that has soothed my charged emotional experience, and offered solutions for the pain, is inviting my Divinity in. She always agrees with my entire messy experience, wholeheartedly and lovingly. Because the Soul only knows YES.

It’s a little different from blessing the mess…though the end result is a blessing.

It’s more like: Yesss’ing the mess.

The entire emotionally-charged godforsaken mess of your experience.

“I don’t want this again.” YESSSSSSS…

“I’m terrified that this pain will never end.” YESSSSS…

“What if I can’t do the things I want to do, because of this?” YESSSSS…

“Oh here we go. I can’t handle this.” YESSSSS….

The YESSSS is inside each of us. It is our Divinity, which loves and accepts unconditionally. She has infinite capacity for grace under pressure. Physical pain? Grief? Heartbreak? Fear? Terror? Panic?

Passing experiences.

Why doesn’t it bother our Soul to experience pain? It doesn’t get to her the way it does to our human Ego. Perhaps …because She knows She’s eternal…because She sees all of this from a very different perspective. Whatever the reason, the Soul is able to agree with, and bless, everything Life dishes up.

Her response is unconditional love for the one experiencing all of it.

When I’m in the depths of my human misery, I reach inward and down for this aspect of myself. I dig down deep into my Root, the area of my body where I connect with Knowing. I don’t push away my hot feelings. I allow all of my misery, anger, all of my sense of unfairness, my feelings of abandonment, my feelings of being so alone in this. And when I do this I feel and hear only YESSSS.

The YESSSSS, a silky feeling of sustained grace runs through my energy body.

The YESSSSS, the warmth of radical, total, acceptance with the unwanted, messy, painful experience.

The YESSSSS, agreeing with my feelings about it, and loving me through it.

The YESSSSSSS… (which, later, always leads to renewed resourcefulness and ingenuity).

To be clear, this is an energetic experience, not a mental one. It is not the power of positive thinking or law of attraction. After I invite and allow the acceptance of YESSSSS to surface, the part of me that can be okay with all of it, it softly billows, as energies will. When the energy integrates into the mind, it translates as: This is all okay to feel, and understandable. You are safe. You are okay.

This calms me down, allows my nervous system to relax and shift into presence.

As a result of encountering such strong, positive and loving acceptance towards what I don’t want to experience, a mental wrinkle can surface, one I usually need to iron out. The Ego has the tendency to interpret Acceptance as condoning the experience it does not want or like – or so it argues. Yet it is entirely possible to be okay with what’s NOT okay with you. For many situations, though (death, loss, grief, physical pain, illness, healing abuse and trauma, or even insomnia), the ONLY way through what we don’t want is to agree with it. It is possible to not like an experience at all, and still be okay with having it. This is the magnificence of our Divinity:

The ability to accept the unacceptable.

The ability to entirely transform the unacceptable.

Because when we commit to feeling life fully, re-discovering our capacity for YESSSS (because it never left; it has been with us since the beginning of time) we get this very different view: We discover capability, resourcefulness, strength, brilliance, hope, trust in life.

…Not just tolerance for the intolerable. That’s only more suffering. When we fully allow our self to feel and accept what feels intolerable, allow the YESSSS surface and bless us with love and grace, we discover our ingenuity, resourcefulness, adaptability and infinite love.

Then, we are able to solve our old problems from a new perspective… instead of the old perspective that created those problems.

This is what chronic, unrelenting, pain taught me. Because once I found the YES, I realized the pain I was experiencing was an energetic pileup and all I really needed to do to ease it was gently re-distribute the energy from where it was concentrated into the areas that felt empty, and encourage soothing flow. Once I allowed my energy body to take the lead, after a few rounds, the pain stopped entirely.

(Not pills. Not trauma release. Not mentally figuring it out – Goddess knows, I’d spent tons of time trying to SOLVE the problem).

This is the power of connecting to the part of YOU that already knows how to hold your own hand… to soothe, comfort, and bring oodles of grace to your suffering. While you are soothing yourself you receive real answers, guidance, wisdom.

She is right here. She is grace. She is kindness. She is infinite unconditional love. She is YOU.

The YESSSS holds the unconditional love we have towards our self, and for all of humanity.

This is our Magnificence, and it’s something we forget!

In our human moments it is easy to forget to call our Divinity into our very human experience. Yet when we remember, it’s: right here (if you need inspiration, a reminder, that Goddess/I AM/Creator/Divinity is indeed a CORE part of you, go to 19:30 of this video).

This is the practice. This is how I’m doing it, how I’ve been helping myself through what feels utterly intolerable. Actively, decisively, energetically inviting my Soul, Divinity, into all areas of my body but especially my pelvic bowl, container of Knowing, also known as the seat of the Soul. I’m staying in my body and honestly feeling my entire experience. I’m not abandoning ANY of my dark feelings, not one iota, and this is how I’m getting to the Light. This is how I’m: reconnecting to the Truth. This is how I’m allowing myself to be healed.

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A Healing Message for the Taurus Full Moon Eclipse

In this linked blog post called Getting to the Root of Guilt, I share my experience healing feelings of guilt whenever I: held a boundary, claimed space, and did what I wanted. In short, guilt for being ME!

You can read about the process, but there was a beautiful Taurus Eclipse gem at the center: I reclaimed my self-trust.

Trust. How fitting for a Taurus-Scorpio Full Moon Lunar Eclipse! Going deep (Scorpio) into reclaiming self-trust and safety (Taurus).

For me, this also fit since the full moon spans my chart’s Libra Rising houses of ancestral healing (8th) and self-trust, safety (2nd).

(Note*: If you want to know where this lunation occurs for you, see 28′ Taurus-Scorpio in your chart, and read this article, linked here. Next month, 12/3, we will experience a second eclipse, solar, at 12’22’ Sagittarius, so you can also read for this as well.)

At this Full Moon Lunar Eclipse, you may find yourself navigating an old energy pattern. Eclipses highlight patterns. By definition, eclipses ARE celestial patterns originating from long ago, and they continue to repeat over thousands of years, backward and forward.

Some have even proposed a theory that the entire Universe is actually a hologram of patterns unfolding in infinite ways. When we get discouraged that we are STILL repeating a pattern, this thought may be comforting. After all, if the Universe IS patterns, and we are made of stardust, then we are patterns, too, unfolding in a variety of ways.

We are infinitely finding creative resolutions to never-ending patterns. Patterns our ancestors faced, and patterns our children, will face.

So, if it’s supposed to work this way… Could you be kinder on yourself when that same old difficult pattern comes up again?

Personally, I’m finding it necessary to offer myself ever more increasing levels of self-compassion and self-kindness.

Your unfolding is not linear. It will happen in various ways, over and over again. Even if you feel you are covering the same old ground, it will NOT be the same as the first time you did this, or the last. You are making progress. You are learning, and you are healing.

Multiple choices exist within any pattern. Repeat: Multiple choices exist within any pattern. This means there is not just one path for you, but a number of ways to work this reality. There won’t be a test at the end of your life. You won’t be graded. And you most certainly can’t get this life wrong.

Let’s all soften, lighten up, and hold ourselves very gently.

So much LOVE to you at this beautiful Taurus Lunar Eclipse.

 

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Getting to the Root of Guilt with EFT (emotional freedom techniques)

In my relationship, I felt a noticeable pang of guilt almost every time I took a step towards freedom, for being selfish, claiming space, taking boundaries, exercising my independence. And I was so tired of feeling it.

We are used to thinking of guilt, at least here in America, as having done something wrong, ie, we feel guilty about a wrongdoing. But I’ve learned that guilt is something entirely different. In the Intuitive Energy Divination deck, the Guilt card reads: Guilt is an argument between who you think you are supposed to be and what your True Self actually wants.

It’s the perennial “should”: I should do/want/be something different than I DO or I AM.

That’s guilt. An argument between who you think you should be and who you truly are.

NOT committing a wrongdoing, since there is no judge and jury in Spirit.

Doesn’t this make more sense, in your experience of guilt?

So, I noticed I’d been periodically experiencing deep pangs of guilt for being ME. Every time I took a step toward taking space, autonomy and independence, I worried that my relationship would suffer from disconnection. I worried that my partner would feel betrayed, abandoned or rejected. I became highly sensitized to any hurt feelings he might have, anticipating them, and sometimes consciously fought the urge to caretake his feelings.

I felt guilty for wanting what I wanted. I felt guilty for claiming space, boundaries, freedom. I felt guilty about his emotions.

Is any of this healthy? No. Not at all.

But I hadn’t yet figured out a way to stop experiencing the guilt, so every time it came up, I still took those “self-ish” steps I wanted and needed to take… sometimes these were steps my partner didn’t want, and argued with, and sometimes these things I was feeling so guilty about didn’t faze him one bit…and regardless of how he felt, I continued to suffer guilt.

So far, I’d been allowing myself to feel the guilt arise, and breathe with it – not knowing what else to do.

Then, one night, after feeling guilty for going to bed early (!) I thought “this has got to stop.”

I started tapping, using EFT. Here’s what came up. I began tapping on: I feel so guilty about doing what I want, or putting my needs and wants first.  I don’t want my partner to feel rejected or abandoned when I take space, or freedom.

After a few rounds, a light bulb clicked: Oh. THIS was my childhood conditioning from being raised by an adult child of an Alcoholic, my mother. Children of adult alcoholics are disallowed boundaries, sovereignty, identity and independence, classic ACOA family dynamic “symptoms”. My mother’s energy was coming through me, every time I felt this guilt.

After this became clear, I flashed on a memory. I had just left home for the first time. I was drawing boundaries. I was taking space. I was being true to myself. I was expressing anger for the first time. I was no longer taking care of her feelings. And she did not like any of it. Every time we spoke, she pleaded, manipulated, cried. I felt her feelings… of rejection, betrayal, abandonment! My twenty-year-old self was so confused; it was supposed to be a happy time of self-expansion, but she (I) was being overwhelmed by a swampy mess of my mother’s unprocessed pain.

In this journey, I introduced my present-day wise self to her, and asked to tap with that younger self of mine. She agreed. The script went something like: Your mother cannot support your independence. She is simply not capable. It’s not her fault. It’s not your fault. But you are doing an amazing job at embracing your authentic self. Every time you draw boundaries, take a risk on growing and expanding, and asking for what you want and need, this must be celebrated!

There are a few more steps I went through on this journey back in time, too. It was important to identify that the rejection and abandonment she (I) experienced from mom was actually not her own energy…but her mother’s unresolved wounds. Those were mother’s feelings, not hers. I wasn’t being rejected or abandoned; I was feeling her feelings of being rejected and abandoned – which originated in her family of origin. This was a revelation for her (and for me, especially since I realized I was, in present day, unconsciously looking for those same feelings to arise from my partner).

When I asked my younger self what she most needed, she shared the heartfelt and honestly, kind of heart-breaking, plea “I never want to have to take care of another’s emotions or reactions to my independence and boundaries again.” I gently told her that people will have uncomfortable emotional responses to her throughout life, and these emotional responses are not caused by her actions but their own conditioning and wounding. Yet she does not have to take any of it on. I also introduced her to the idea that she is an empath; she is really good at feeling other people’s feelings. I taught her how to view other people’s feelings as energy bubbles simply passing through her field, and to observe, feel, and let them go instead of absorbing them into herself. We did an exercise where I had mom call her on the phone, and she got to experience mom’s abandonment, betrayal and rejection wounds as bubbles floating through her field.

In all, it was quite a tapping session for me. All this was accomplished in under 45 mins.

The guilt disappeared. I imagine it will stay away for a very long while, and I’m open to it not returning ever again!

Honestly, none of this story is new for me. I have been on the healing journey for a looonnnnggg time.

But I’m sharing this story with you, now, because the big patterns repeat; and they will come up again as many times as it takes for us to wholly integrate and heal. It’s never the same as the first time, or the last. We are always changing, unfolding new levels and layers, reclaiming aspects of Self that are ripe for reclaiming, healing, yet again. When I asked myself what I was reclaiming, this time, I imagined one of those word diagrams, the kind you are instructed to notice the first word that jumps out at you. The word that appeared to me at the end of this session was Trust. Trust in myself.

This form of EFT so profoundly gets to the root of any repetitive emotional blockage or issue. I liken it to going to the dentist with a symptom or complaint, and then discovering the true source, but describing it doesn’t do it justice; you really have to experience the freedom. By session’s end, you just feel… freer, clearer of conditioning, and have more access to who you TRULY ARE. It is one of my favorite tools – and I’ve tapped with clients, friends and even my partner! It If you are interested in having an experience of EFT, try it out for yourself. I plan on offering EFT sessions again in 2022.

 

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Clearing Energy & Emotions With Scorpio New Moon

When you live in Hawaii, people come visit. Inevitably, they leave their stuff behind: a hairdryer, slippers, towels, food…stuff you don’t want, but are now left to deal with. They also leave their energy.

When the mailman delivered a passport for a departed guest (they thought they’d lost it; it ended up being buried in their bedroom), and John said: “ugh, I really don’t want to deal with this,” I suggested he run back up to the postman and tell him to return to sender. Hightailing it up the stairs, he made it to the postman just in time. Problem solved.

This got me thinking about energy. Can returning our emotions, and those of others’, back to sender – to Source, be that simple?

Like stuff left behind by guests, it’s impossible not to feel what others energetically leave in their wake, whether we realize we feel it, or not.

And our own emotions (energy-in-motion) can mystify, too.

Anger, honesty, pettiness, resentment, sadness, sorrow, fear, panic, jealousy, loneliness, isolation, judgment, guilt…

Let’s face it: The pandemic has turned the above energies into garden variety ones. It’s imperative to honestly feel what we honestly feel, and here’s why: When feelings turn inward, they become depression, trigger chronic health issues, and make life miserable. Letting all of this get backed up creates psychic & physical health problems.

I’ve been working with my emotions, lately. I’ve noticed that when I resist feeling something I don’t like feeling, it persists to the point of causing me great distress. My emotions… and others’ emotions, too. Because I’m aware of energy (sensitive), I register external energies and if I don’t acknowledge them, they can stick. The only way to clear all forms of energy-in-motion is to fully acknowledge and experience it all, in the body. So, I’ve been doing a bit of this: opening up my energetic field so wide that I become willing to feel ALL OF IT.

It can be intense, feeling so much. I know I can survive any feeling but certain ones do feel uncomfortable to feel, don’t they?

Some emotions can feel threatening, too, especially if our conditioning is invested in keeping the Truth of what we feel at bay.

I recall a client who said she was afraid that if she felt the depth of her loneliness and grief, she’d die. I suggested that if she felt those feelings she was afraid to feel, really get into them (wail, writhe on the floor, not get up for hours), she might start feeling alive again. The only way out of the dark is through feeling dark entirely…It’s the paradox of heavy emotion. Emotional honesty doesn’t kill us, it saves us. It’s dishonesty that slowly brings us down into deep depression. When you don’t face the Truth of what you really feel, it eats your life force.

So let’s be honest, right now. It’s Scorpio New Moon, and Scorpio season (til 11/21). If astrology can give us a leg up on how to flow with the energies (and it can) this time is designed for: more honesty to self and others, truthfully feeling what’s deeply going on in our guts and viscera, no matter how ugly or difficult. It’s time to release what we can’t visibly see but nonetheless effects us– our emotions, energies.

For me, there was a palpable dullness and fatigue in my energy field, and all over the house. I decided to clear our recent house guests’ energies, and my emotions, too. I thought I’d share my process with you, to inspire you to do your own energy clearing.

Clearing Other’s Energy From Your Field Using Your Intuition: First, I grounded, rooted and centered, and attempted to call all of my energy back so I could proceed with clearing the house. Maddeningly, I couldn’t get centered. I knew something was going on; I was being distracted by an energy, but what? I asked myself whose energy it was and waited a few seconds for my Soul to respond. At times like this, it’s a huge test of faith; I just affirm that my Soul knows all. It answered with the face of a friend. That acknowledgement cleared the energy.

Clearing Your Emotions with EFT: emotional freedom technique, or tapping, is a powerful tool for clearing one’s own emotions. If you don’t know about EFT you can find a good resource in this website (linked) and there’s plenty of demos like this one (linked) on YouTube. A few rounds of tapping on my feelings, guests, my husband, and sundry things, brought my emotional charge around all of it down to zero.

House Clearing, and Clearing Other People’s Energy Fields: Now that I was clear, feeling grounded, rooted, centered -AND- clear, I proceeded to the rest. I knew I couldn’t energetically clear my house if I wasn’t fully “here” myself and so now I was ready to clear what hung heavy in the atmosphere around me. House clearing is a chance to get imaginative, and magical. There are many ways to do it. I’ve painted elaborate trellises and carousels and tents over my home, using my imagination. I’ve saged, crystalled, put out bowls of salt, and performed rituals. The most vital ingredients to any clearing ritual are: your presence, and your decision to command energy back to Source. Today, I decided to walk into each room and call on the highest Light energy the house could hold. I waved a wand and commanded the following in each room, indoors and outdoors, while feeling into areas needing a little more light (a few extra declarations):

Divine Source Consciousness, unlimited in healing, now fills this room with the most beautiful light of the highest vibration, and removes all energy that is not mine from this space. This energy returns to Source, right now, where it belongs.

I also included my husband’s energy field in the clearing– since he was the one here with the guests (I had taken this time to go on a trip, by myself). From experience, I know that John can be a carrier for other people’s energy, which I end up feeling, too.

The effect was dramatic. Light, reinvigorated and no longer tired, not only did I now feel like myself again but my home felt like it was mine again. A dull haze had been hanging over the house, which no amount of cleaning, vacuuming and straightening had shifted. All sparkled again. My husband then bounded up from his downstairs office, looked at the yard, and said “Wow. Look at how beautiful it is today.”

Yes. That’s an affirmative. This is how it works!

Energy clearing is subtle and mysterious and sometimes you don’t feel too much; maybe you’re a tad lighter or clearer (or maybe that was from last night’s good, home-cooked, meal, lol). But sometimes, perhaps when the planets are in Scorpio, as they are now, Spirit, Creator, The Universe, Your Angels, The Planets…all of them just might be conspiring to help you emotionally clear, energetically cleanse, release what’s not yours, and return to yourself. At these times, clearing can feel, and actually be, quite dramatic.

At this New Moon, may you truthfully feel all that you feel, and clear your way back to Source connection. Happy Releasing to You. xx

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