Hank Quense's Blog: Hank Quense's Blog, page 88
December 4, 2010
A new review for Tales From Gundarland
This collection of stories is fun from beginning to end. Hank Quesne has a Pratchett-like gift for[image error] extracting humour from science fiction and fantasy settings and characters and managing to slide social commentaries among the jokes. Unlike Terry Pratchett, however, he can construct long stories that don't disintegrate into sequences of vignettes – he's good at plot construction. And his Shakespeare pastiches would, I believe, have met the Bard's approval.
The writing style is good and uncomplicated, with clever word use that doesn't demand an over-rich vocabulary on the part of the reader. The settings are vivid, and the fantasy world of Gundarland is surprisingly familiar. Here and there one finds a few editing glitches, but they are few and unproblematic – they don't interrupt the flow of prose or challenge comprehension – so they're no more than minor irritants.
I've bought copies of this book as Christmas presents in the certainty that the recipients will enjoy it as much as I did.
[image error]
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November 28, 2010
What keeps us awake at night?
The Faux News Network Research Department conducted an extensive phone survey. The objective of the survey was to identify questions that keep people awake at night grappling with deep philosophical questions. The results of the survey are listed below.
* How does an aspirin know where to go and what to do? How does it know you have a pain in your ingrown toenail and not a headache?
* Can a bicycle rider get a DWI ticket? What about a skate boarder? Power wheelchair drivers?
* Why does salmon taste like salmon no matter how you cook it?
* Fish don't have eyelids so they can't shut their eyes. How do they sleep?
* Will the sun really go nova in a few billion years?
*If a Supreme Being exists, what are the chances He is really a She? Or an It?
********************************************************************************
Publishers note: The Faux News Network Research Department spent a ton of money to come up with these inane questions. Consequently, the entire research staff has been sacked. The new, restructured Research Department will develop much better questions. Or else!
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November 24, 2010
NCAA announces new basketball regulation
(Faux News Network)
Special from Jock Strapper, our sports reporter:
The NCAA announced new a basketball regulation today after a bizarre accident in a CCC division game.
It happened between traditional rivals Hoboken Harpies and the Bayonne Buzzards. With the Buzzards leading by two points with seconds left on the game clock, Harpie point guard, Kevin Smurf launched a desperate shot from half-court and scored giving the Harpies a one point victory.
With an excessive of adrenaline, the 5-8, 165 pound Smurf chest-bumped Ivan Socksoff, the Harpies 7-2, 320 pound center. Snuff bounced off Socksoff's chest and crash to the floor landing on his head and suffering a concussion. During his rebound, his flailing foot connected with the center's groin. He fell to the floor groaning and vomiting. Both players had to be carried to the locker room. They are listed as doubtful for the Harpies next game against the Passaic Pissants.
The NCAA in response to this injury issued a new regulation forbidding chest bumping between players with more than 12 inches in height and/or 100 pound weight difference. Infractions will led to a two-game suspension. Before each game, head coaches will be required to prepare a list with each players' height and weight and indicate which teammates that player is ineligible to chest-bump with. Referees will consult the list whenever a chest-bump occurs.
"We take our responsible seriously," a spokeswoman said. "First and foremost, this new regulation is designed to protect the athletes. However, it will also limit our medical and legal liability. That limit will increase the overall profitability of our nonprofit organization."
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November 14, 2010
Fried Rice Recipe
Description: A great way to prepare leftover chicken, turkey or pork
Serves: 6-8
Time: 30 minutes
Ingredients:
Cooking oil
4 cups of cooked and cooled rice
2 tablespoons soy sauce
3 eggs, beaten
½ cup scallions, diced
½ cup fresh water chestnuts, diced
1 small sweet onion, diced
½ pound bean sprouts
Optional ingredients: choose one or more of these.
½ pound shrimp, cooked and cut up.
½ cup cooked pork, chicken, turkey: diced
Preparation:
Moisten hands and break up rice clumps and separate the grains
Heat a tablespoon of oil in a wok or skillet
Add eggs and stir with spatula until firm then break up into small pieces. Remove
Add more oil and cook onions until tender. Remove.
Add rice one cup at a time, tossing constantly to heat throughout.
Add soy sauce, eggs, scallions, water chestnuts, onions, bean sprouts and optional ingredients
Add additional soy sauce if desired.
Toss gently to distribute and to heat
Serve as soon as thoroughly heated
Notes:
I use Arborio rice. I think it tastes much better than ordinary rice
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Frid Rice Recipe
Description: A great way to prepare leftover chicken, turkey or pork
Serves: 6-8
Time: 30 minutes
Ingredients:
Cooking oil
4 cups of cooked and cooled rice
2 tablespoons soy sauce
3 eggs, beaten
½ cup scallions, diced
½ cup fresh water chestnuts, diced
1 small sweet onion, diced
½ pound bean sprouts
Optional ingredients: choose one or more of these.
½ pound shrimp, cooked and cut up.
½ cup cooked pork, chicken, turkey: diced
Preparation:
Moisten hands and break up rice clumps and separate the grains
Heat a tablespoon of oil in a wok or skillet
Add eggs and stir with spatula until firm then break up into small pieces. Remove
Add more oil and cook onions until tender. Remove.
Add rice one cup at a time, tossing constantly to heat throughout.
Add soy sauce, eggs, scallions, water chestnuts, onions, bean sprouts and optional ingredients
Add additional soy sauce if desired.
Toss gently to distribute and to heat
Serve as soon as thoroughly heated
Notes:
I use Arborio rice. I think it tastes much better than ordinary rice
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November 5, 2010
Faux News Network Interview with Author Hank Quense
(Faux News Network Exclusive Report)
My name is Marcia Hammerhead, cultural editor and reporter for the Faux News Network. Despite my known preference for literary works, the publisher insists I interview an unknown scribbler of genre fiction, Hank Quense. With great reluctance, I have managed to read this so-called author's book, Tales From Gundarland.
Marcia: What is Gundarland and where is it?
Hank: It's a large country in a parallel universe that's rather close to ours. In fact, it's only a wormhole or two away. It is populated by dwarfs, elves, humans, half-pints, yuks and other races. This is also the[image error]universe that has the despicable zaftans. It's only a matter of time until the alien zaftans and the gundarlandians meet. The results of the meeting will be unpredictable.
Marcia: I was shocked to discover the book has plots. Why did you use plots? Plots are so 20th century. Modern literature demands plotless stories.
Hank: Plots are timeless. Homer used them 3500 years ago and 3500 years into the future, stories will still use plots. Without plots, the characters wander around wondering what they are supposed to be doing. Plotless stories are like bloodless people. My book is a collection of six short stories and two novellas and I'm happy to announce that every one of them has a plot.
Marcia: How disgusting. Moving on, you mutilated two of Shakespeare's most beloved plays. Can't you come up with your own stories? Why plagiarize one of the most famous writers in the English language?
Hank: Shakespeare's plays were written in the 1500's and are almost unreadable. They cry out for an update and that's what I did. I like to think that I made Shakespeare more accessible to modern readers.
Marcia: Do you plan any more Shakespearian perversions?
Hank: Right now, I'm working on a first draft of a masterpiece. It'll combine the plots and characters from Othello and Hamlet with another character, Falstaff. It'll be a novella and probably top out at 35,000 words. I think Shakespeare would applaud my efforts to update his plays. In this case, Hamlet is a dwarf prince, Othello is a dark elf and Falstaff is himself, a human rogue.
Marcia: If that isn't chutzpah, I don't know what is. You used a self-publishing option to get this collection published. I suppose no regular publisher would touch this rubbish. True?
Hank: I'm not sure, since I didn't try very hard. I've used publishers in the past and what happens with them is I get to do all the work and they get the keep almost all the money. Bummer. With self-publishing, I get to keep most of the money. Big difference.
Marcia: And how is this trash selling?
Hank: It's a best seller on Zaftan 31B. Unfortunately, the aliens burn the book and use the ashes in a pornographic ritual. But I like to think the zaftans read the stories before burning it. In Gundarland, it's selling well and some of the characters have reached rock-star fame. This is especially true for Burga the Warrior-Cook and Zarro, the dwarf hero. Their agents are negotiating tour contracts.
Marcia: I find it incomprehensible that this collection receives awards. It must be symptomatic of a general decline in literature and taste.
Hank: Many readers find my stories entertaining.
Marcia: Do you plan more assaults on the mother tongue and literature in general?
I plan to release a novel early next year. It's called Zaftan Entrepreneurs and it's a first contact book. A zaftan mining ship discovers Gundarland and tries to plunder its mineral wealth. This angers a dwarf miner and he declares war on the aliens.
Marcia: That certainly is bad news since my editor may want me to interview you again. Now that I've been warned, perhaps I can develop a way to avoid that onerous task. This is Marcia Hammerhead, cultural reporter extraordinaire signing off and apologizing for subjecting you to this author's drivel.
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November 3, 2010
The Stainless Steel Rat Returns by Harry Harrison
This is a pleasant surprise, a scifi novel that doesn't take itself serious. This is a light-hearted story about Jim diGriz, a thorough rogue who lives high on a vacation planet. He is suddenly plagued by a problem Jim believed he had put behind him; his low-life cousins and their hoards of porcuswine. They show up in a hired spaceship. Not allowed to disembark from the spaceship on the planet, Jim has to find someplace to take the cousins and their animals. Jim and his wife Angelina travel around the galaxy with the cousins and livestock and run Into various problems that Jim solves too easily. He doesn't break a sweat and hardly ever misses a cocktail time. Nevertheless, the novel is an easy read and is filed with wry humor.
Three stars
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November 1, 2010
RNC defends "Status Quo" votes
(Faux News Network)
This exclusive report was filed by our political reporter, Stacy Conundrum
A spokesperson for the RNC in a telephone interview defended the Republican Party Congressional position of opposing all Democratic actions. "Look, we're the loyal opposition. It's our job to say 'No' to the other party. Besides, our position is to defend at all cost the status quo. In our point of view, the glorious Bush administration reached new heights of important initiatives and we must defend against the ignorance of the Democrats who want to change that Bush legacy. We are sworn enemies of all who want to inconvenience businesses like the banks and Wall Street with regulations that restrict their creativity. The Democratic plan to hobble the medical insurance corporations is blatantly unfair to the corporations who must now issue policies on sick people. That is a preposterous regulation. How can an insurer make profits if it has insure sick people? And all those environmental regulations? We will fight those who try to limit the profits of major corporations through silly laws like filling out safety and emergency plans before drilling new oil wells.
"On another Democratic initiative, we oppose tax increases on the wealthy because that could negatively impact our contributions from those wealth folks.
On the Bush Legacy:
"As you can see, our position isn't simply being obstinate, it's a defense of the status quo and a defense of President Bush's legacy.
"We have a series of plans in place to continue that wonderful legacy as soon as we regain power. We will lower taxes on corporations; we will eliminate these nonsensical regulations that limit the ingenuity of the corporate America. We will celebrate the resurgence of the Bush-Cheney regime by offering a tax holiday to all citizens who make over a million dollars a year. That will compensate them for the anguish they suffered worrying about what the Democrats would do to their excess earnings."
On Corporate Donations:
When asked how much money the Party had received from corporations, the spokesperson replied, "The amount of money raised has been too small to be tabulated so I can't answer your question. This is a typical question from the liberal media. It constantly searches for the answers to nitpick questions that are of no interest to the Republican Party devotees."
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October 29, 2010
Book Sale
EPIC just announced that my tales From Gundarland is a finalist in their annual contest. To celebrate, I'm[image error] discounting the price 20% until Nov 15. This discount, via coupon, applies to both print and ebook editions. Here are the discount details:
Amazon Coupon code:RNTAJ4TB
https://www.createspace.com/3454345
Smashwords coupon: ST36K
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/15257
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October 27, 2010
Tales From Gundarland is an EPIC finalist!
This morning I got a message telling me that my collection of humorous stories and novellas is a finalist[image error] in the current EPIC competition. Final results won't be announced until mid-March.
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Hank Quense's Blog
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