Hank Quense's Blog: Hank Quense's Blog, page 89
October 25, 2010
Board of Ed wants new numbers
(Faux News Network)
This exclusive report was filed by our political reporter, Stacy Conundrum>
The Texas Board of Education has announce a new initiative after it realized that America uses numbers developed by Moslems. It has authorized a project staffed by astrologers, numerologists, phrenologists and Bible experts to develop an American, Christian set of numbers to replace our current Arabic numbers. They hope to have the new numbers in text books by the start of the school year in September 2011.
A spokesperson for the Board told our reporter, "It is symbolic of our inept Federal Government that they have ignored this insult to our Christian nation. Their refusal to respond to our righteous demands has forced our hand. While the Board accepts the responsibility to develop an American number system, we anticipate that the project will be attacked by the liberal wimps in and out of government. We will disregard their unjustified criticism and do our Christian, American duty. This is a crash project. The sooner we finish it, the sooner our children will stop being exposed to the pernicious, foreign and ungodly influence of our current numbers.
"Our Board is extremely disappointed that none of the state's math teachers and none of our NASA scientist or engineers agreed to join the project. In a further demonstration of partisan rancor, our project has been denounced by the American Academy of Science. The Texas Board of Education responds by decrying this liberal rathole of reactionary and dubious science."
When asked by our reporter about the Board's project, a spokesperson for the American Academy of Science replied, "This is absurd. It smacks of the Dark Ages."
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The Door in the Sky Review
This YA novel is a great story for 4th or 5th graders. It's a continuation of Mountains on the Moon and involves many of the same characters. The main character is a young girl named Sam. Her kitten Peaches has magical capabilities and can climb moonbeams to the moon where Sam's friend Selena, a type of fairy,[image error] lives. At the beginning of the story, Sam has to climb a rope in gym class and she is frightened about the task. During the story, she visits Selena by climbing the moonbeam (without looking down!). At Selena's, she comes to understand that being afraid is all right, but you still have to undertake the task that scares you and complete it.
Back home, armed with that new knowledge, she climbs the rope and passes the class test.
Jan Clark has written a story that teaches young readers a lesson and entertains them at the same time, not an easy trick. Highly recommended
5 stars
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October 24, 2010
NFL to consider leather helmets
Faux News Network exclusive from our sports reporter, Jock Strapper
NFL sources
tell Faux News that the NFL is considering a ban on the modern plastic helmets and a return to the old leather helmets. Physicology experts stress that if the NFL is serious about eliminating players from using their helmets as a weapon, the league will have to do more than issue fines and suspensions. As long using a helmet as a weapon doesn't physically hurt the weapon wielder, the fines and suspensions will not work on many players.
Returning to leather helmets will make using the helmet painful to the weapon wielder. The smartest players will recognize that after one or two hits. Even the dumbest players will get the message after they crash head first into other players six or seven times.
While the leather helmets will reduce the overall protection of the players, the old helmets will quickly eliminate the use of helmets as weapons.
ABA gets ready
Reports from the American Bar Association indicate the litigation lawyers are gearing up for a surge of lawsuits by players and their families in the event the leather helmets leads to flurry of injuries. An ABA spokesman pointed out the increased litigation with changing conditions is an ancient American tradition. She also pointed out that the increased ligation also produced increased taxes paid by the litigation lawyers, thus helping support government programs.
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October 22, 2010
New Tales From Gundarland Review
Tales from The Gunderland is one of those books that could easily become a cult phenomenon. I really enjoyed the humor, which was sort of a cross between Hitchiker's[image error] Guide to the Galaxy and Monty Python. Each story was unique and self-contained, but still contributed to the "Gunderland Universe" as a whole. My favorite is still Quinse's retake on Romeo and Juliet. But seriously, who wouldn't love a book with dwarfs, pirates, and aliens?
Hank Quense has created a collection I'd be proud to not only have on my shelf, but would definitely recommend to my friends. Anyone who enjoys off-beat humor should pick up this book. I'm looking forward to seeing more of his work. Five bookmarks, for sure! ~Reviewed by Sherry Ficklin for Mind Fog Reviews!
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An interview with Australian author Carol Hone
Today, I'm interviewing Carol Hone about her debut book, Edge of Humanity
1) Can you give us a brief bio?
I'm a veterinarian who has an absorbing passion for writing. My family get my attention in between the manic phases of writing that I go through. I even pat them sometimes. Luckily they don't seem to mind eating takeaway food and dodging the rolling balls of hair and feathers that accumulate in our house due to the sixteen or so pets we own.
2) Briefly, tell us about your books.
My first book, a novella called Edge of Humanity, came out on October 18th from Lyrical Press. It's a fantasy[image error]with elements of steam punk but also with a nod towards some science fictional ideas. My main aim in creating the milieu for this book was to use some of the almost-sciences that abound in our world and insert them into a magical world.
So herbology, acupuncture and the manipulation of the body's aura all get a look-in. As does a made-up profession that you might call bio-mechanical magic.
Kara is the female protagonist of Edge of Humanity. She narrates the story through the filter of her own perceptions and memories and proves to be an unreliable narrator. After escaping from an airship she goes on a journey to find her parents, having been separated from them while a child. From the start, she has suspicions that her masters on the airship have done something dreadful to her and she is never quite sure that anything she remembers is true.
The story unfolds as a mystery and writing it taught me a lot about how to seed clues and hints throughout a story so that by the end, the reader should have an, 'ah-hah!' moment. If you don't have one of those, I'm hoping for at least an, 'Oh-h-h, I see,' moment. Though it is listed as a fantasy romance, don't expect the usual HEA or happily ever after ending.
3 ) How do you develop characters? Settings? Plots?
I tend to grow such things organically. If I feel the need to write a story, I pay closer attention to everything around me. Radio, TV, books, what people talk about. Everything. Eventually something will grab me, and then one or two other aspects of life will sit up and beg for attention also. I subscribe to the idea that to make a good story you need to combine things in a way no one else has yet done. So it's as if there is a critical mass of ideas.
4) Do you have specific technique to help you maintain the course of the plot?
Before I start a story I like to have clear in my head some of the pivotal plot points, who the main characters are, what the setting is, and a visual idea of the ending or a major scene near it. If I can see the action playing itself out in my head and get excited about it I know I'm heading the right way.
Whenever I get bogged down while writing I ruminate about the plot and I often set down on paper almost a synopsis of what should be happening. Though I don't call it a synopsis because those things give me the heebie jeebies – which is a technical term for going insane.
5) What are your current projects?
At the moment I'm planning my steam punk-ish novel as well as thinking about rewriting a novel called Magience, which is set in the world of Edge of Humanity. Another novel, Needle Rain, that's also set in this milieu, is going through the beta reading stages. In that story I used the Needle Masters who are acupuncture mages, as the pivotal profession. My three main characters commit terrible wrongs and then spend the rest of the story repairing the damage they've done.
6) Where can folks learn more about your books and events?
My website: http://carolhone.com/
And also my site at my publisher, Lyrical Press: http://www.lyricalpress.com/store/index.php?main_page=authors&authors_id=150
14)What type of writing do you do?
I write dark fantasy mostly though I am trying to expand my genres. Steam punk with a dash of the excitement of urban fantasy is one of my near-future goals.
[image error]7) What is the best thing about writing?
That you can do anything. Want to fly? In a novel you can. You can give your characters any ability you want to and then send them across continents and universes to retrieve the Sword of the Abyss that can command demons from the fiery depths of hell, or you can send them on a journey to the corner store for a cup of sugar. No one will want to read the latter, but you can write it.
[image error] Is there a specific time of day that you write?
Any time I get a chance to sit down without being interrupted. I do find I work best when the house is empty of other sentient beings, and that includes children.
9) Any parting words of advice for writers?
Doing some writing always helps. Thinking about it is only good if you're sitting down and applying fingers to keyboards more than you're thinking. Though I don't believe in the write at all costs method, because that often produces drivel if you've not considered where you're going with a story.
Don't give in if you love what you're doing.
Listen to those who criticise if they balance the good comments with the bad.
Always leave yourself open to learning but remember that some of those who comment on your writing may have no real knowledge of what they're talking about. How to tell the useful comments from the ones that should be trashed? Ah, that is something you have to learn through experience, meditation, and repeatedly banging your head on your desk.
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October 20, 2010
Blog Comments
This blog has been getting between fifty and eighty spam comments a day. In a month, I sometimes get 200 spam comments from a single source.
In disgust, I added a Captcha widget even though they annoy me when I have to use them on other sites. These are the little text boxes that make you type four, five or six letters into. The purpose is to prevented automated messages from getting onto the site. The widget assumes only a real person or an alien will be able to type the correct letters.
Since I added the Captcha widget, the spam messages have dropped to less than one a week. Talk about effective devices. I'm now a Captcha fan.
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October 17, 2010
Radio Interviews Scheduled
I have two radio interviews scheduled this week to talk about my Tales From Gundarland.
The first is Monday 10/18 with Barbara Hodges on Robin Falls Kids Show-Let's Talk. The call-in number is (646) 595-4478[image error]
The second is with Rob Batista on The Funky Writer show, Thursday 10/21 at 8:00PM. The call-in number is 347-843-4784
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October 16, 2010
Stealing FIre by Jo Graham
This historical fiction novel deals with the events after the death of Alexander the Great. Upon his death Alexander's empire fell apart as the generals grabbed pieces of it to rule. The story is told through the eyes of Lydias. Once a slave, he runs away while still young and joins Alexander's army as a groom for cavalry horses. Over time, he rises to be a soldier, joins the Companions and ends up as a cavalry commander. After Alexander's death, Lydias throws his lot in with Ptolemy who seized Egypt. As Ptolemy's chief advisor and general, the two struggle to establish a government for Egypt and to build Alexandria.
This is an entertaining and well-written novel. Anyone who enjoys historical fiction won't be disappointed in this story.
Three stars (out of five)
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October 15, 2010
Tales From Gundarland Group Reading Guide
(Faux News Network Exclusive Report)
Our Cultural Reporter Marcia Hammerhead filed this report. She obtained a guide for Reading Groups covering Hank Quense's latest release, the award-winningTales From Gundarland.
Reading Group Guide:
1: Do you think Romeo really loved Juliet or did he woo her to simply piss off her brothers? Find material in the story to support your position.
2: Do you think Rolf and Ralf are sissies because they worry about what Ma thinks?
3: Why are heros like Zarro and The Lone Stranger so inept? Do you think it is a result of their[image error]upbringing? Or are they simply the wrong stuff?
4: Do you think the princesses will eventually seduce Knuben? Who will win their contest? Why will she win? Will she be happy she won?
5: Why does Maestro Andante only use three kazoos in his band? Would more kazoos have effected the outcome? Would five kazoos make a more mellow sound? Defend your answer?
6: Did Duchess Stilken cheat on her husband with General MacDwarfen before the husband's death? Cite evidence to support your opinion.
7: How many passive sentences did I use in the book? List them.
8: In Merchant of Venison, can you add any 'D' words to the court scene?
9: In Rescuing Princesses, why didn't Burga throw the recalcitrant princess, over his shoulder and rescue her anyway? Explain this lack of dedication to the rescue. Does this indicate a possibly fatal flaw in Burga's psyche?
10: How can the stories in this collection be used to foster galactic peace? Explain in twenty-five words of less.
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October 8, 2010
Sausage Flowers
Description: great tasting appetizer
Serves: 24 individual servings
Time: 30 minutes
Ingredients:
1 pound Italian sweet sausage, casings removed
1/2 cup shredded Monterey Jack Cheese with Jalapeno
1/2 cup shredded Colby cheese
1 cup salsa
24 wonton wrappers (3.5 inch square)
16 oz sour cream
1 bunch scallions chopped
Preparation:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Lightly grease a miniature muffin pan.
Brown sausage in a heavy skillet until evenly browned. Drain and remove from heat.
Stir both cheeses into hot sausage meat.
Stir in salsa.
Press wonton wrappers into muffin pan so the edges extend. Place a heaping tablespoon of sausage mixture on each wrapper.
Bake 10 minutes.
Transfer filled wontons to serving platter.
Dollop each wonton with sour cream.
Garnish with scallions.
Notes: for a less fatty appetizer, substitute turkey Italian sausages for the pork sausages and plain non-fat yogurt for the sour cream
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Hank Quense's Blog
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