Hank Quense's Blog: Hank Quense's Blog, page 90

New York Mets finish another successful season

(Faux News Network)

Our sports reporter, Jock, Strapper filed this exclusive report:

A spokesperson for the New York Mets announced the completion of a successful season.  He said in a telephone interview, "The Mets believe we delivered quality baseball to all our fans and we're justifiably proud of the team's accomplishments.  At the beginning of the season we set out a pair of goals.  The first was to finish at least ten games in front of the last place team and we accomplished that.  Our other goal was to play .500 ball and we just missed that one. If we had won two more games, we would finished with an even won-lost ratio.

"We have one of the highest payrolls in baseball and we are proud of the way our players earned their salaries.  We are also pleased with some of the achievements of our individual players.  For instance, Luis Castillo was the highest paid benchwarmer in the league.  And what can we say about Oliver Perez's performance.  Given astronomical ERA, his huge salary and the small number of innings pitched, he had the highest salary per inning pitched in the history of baseball, a wonderful achievement.

We want our fans to know that next year, we will strive to improve.  Out preliminary goals for 2011 are to beat the last place team by fifteen games and finish with a positive won-lost ratio.  Management knows we can't sit still if we are to achieve these goals and it is committed to improve our team so we can deliver the level of mediocrity that our fans have become accustom to."

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Economist Against Taxes on Rich

(Faux News Network)

Ruben Wantnot, the chief economist with the prestigious Wealth Protection and Security Bureau, said in an exclusive interview with Faux News Network that taxing the rich was a move that would backfire on the politicians on several levels.  First, there is the economic repercussions.  While it is true that increased taxes won't force the rich to make do with less spendable income, it will have a negative effect on the amount of funds available for investments.  This will force them to buy less stocks and fewer bonds.  "This will have a devastating effect on the bonuses for the Wall Street stock brokers and bond marketers.  Think how smaller bonuses will have a ripple effect on holiday spending next year."  Mr. Wantnot continued, "And then there is the impact on luxury items, the ones only the truly rich can afford. Higher taxes may force these super-rich to change their minds about buying a multi-million dollar yacht or even a new personal jet plane.  We don't need a hit on these vital industries."

Politicians, he claims, have no insights into the second and third level effects of a pernicious tax increase on the rich.  It is in the politicians best interest not to raise these taxes since the super-rich also contribute so much money to reelection campaigns.

According to Mr. Wantnot, a staunch Republican, if the politicians are anxious to lower the deficit then it would be much safer for them to increase the taxes on the middle and lower-income groups since those groups do not have the political clout of the super-rich.

Mr. Wantnot has served as the chief-of-staff for a number of Republican Congressmen and Senators.  He was appointed to his current post in the Bureau after one of those Senators retired from Congress and became the new CEO of the Bureau.

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Poulet au Citron (Lemon Chicken)

Description: A French way to cook a whole chicken

Serves: 2 to 4 (depending upon the size of the chicken)

Time: 2 hours

Ingredients:

1 whole chicken

Fine sea salt

Fresh ground black pepper

2 lemons, quartered lengthwise

small bunch of thyme

butter

Preparation:

Heat oven to 425 desgrres

Season cavity with salt and pepper

Place lemons and thyme in the cavity. Truss closed.

Rub the skin with butter. Season all over with salt and pepper

Place chicken on its side on a roasting rack in a roasting pan. Cook for 20 minutes

Turn chicken to its other side and cook for another 20 minutes

Turn chicken breast side up and continue roasting for 20 more minutes.

Reduce heat to 375 degrees.

Turn the chicken breast side down at an angle with its tail in the air (this allows the juices to flow down into the breast meat.

Roast until juices run clear about 15 minutes

Remove from oven and season generously with salt and pepper

Turn off oven

Transfer to a platter breast side down and tail in the air.

Cover loosely with foil

Place in the oven with the door opened. Let rest from 10 to 30 minutes

Remove the lemons from the cavity.

Carve the chicken.

Squeeze the lemons all over the cut poultry, extracting as much juice as possible.

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Tales From Gundarland hits best-seller list

In an exclusive report from Zaftan 31B, Hank Quense's collection of novellas and short stories has outsold every other book on the planet.  Our zaftan reporter, Chazerei, wrote that the book is sold in over ninety percent of the porn shops.  She goes on to say that the book is the exact size and weight needed by a basic zaftan ritual.  The book fits nicely into a ceramic utensil where it is burned.  After the ashes cool, they[image error] are used in an obscene sex practice involving at least three zaftans.

Author Hank Quense said in a telephone interview, "I like to believe that the zaftans read the book before they burn it. Since zaftans are over seven feet tall, weigh on average four hundred pounds and resemble very large squids with eight tentacles, I don't want to think about what they do with the ashes.    My distributors don't have outlets in parallel worlds so this is another example of how authors get ripped off by piracy.  I've written a strong letter to the United Nations demanding that our copyright laws be extended to include aliens and other worlds.  I haven't heard back from them yet.

Chazerei  a zaftan, reports exclusively for Faux News Network from the capital of Zaftan 31B

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Pledge to America

I'm an independent voter and I'm interested in new ideas to fix the problems in my country.

I downloaded the Republican plan and read it.  After two years out of power, the best they can up with in the "new idea" category is to reestablished the Bush-Cheney Policies supplemented by right-wing conservative precepts.  We all know what these Bush-Cheney policies were about; fiscal irresponsibility, corporate irresponsibility, international irresponsibility, military irresponsibility...

Faux News Signs Exclusive Deal

Faux News Network announced today that they have signed an exclusive deal with the Hank Quense Blog.  The blog will be the only outlet in this galaxy that will carry the news network reports.

Faux News also announced at the same time that they had opened branch offices in a parallel universe and would report exclusively on events from both Gundarland and Zaftan 31B.  Delivery of these reports from the other universe will depend on quantum chaos conditions in the connecting wormholes.

Author...

A new TV show

(From the Faux News Network)

Executives from a major studio announced the format of a new reality show along with a description of the first four episodes.   It will star Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan who will play themselves.

Episode one will show clips of the two ladies at various parties.  Live, the hostess will get the two to explain what was going on, who else was there and what they were snorting and drinking.

Episode two will feature clips from police files showing their arrests and...

Republicans and the economy

The Republican Party's position on the economy is stunning in its hypocrisy. They state that Obama's deficits are obscene and oppose increasing them.  They never objected to Bush's deficits and now say that those were trivial.

They oppose adding to the deficit to help the unemployed, but fight against a tax increase on a tiny fraction of the population who least need the money. Their convoluted argument is that the rich need the money and can't afford a tax increase.

I don't object to the...

A Freebie!

I've put together a sampler, Humorous Yarns and Other Stuff.  It contains a number of my stories and parts of novels.  It was put together as a sampler for those not familiar with my writing and my weird sense of humor.  I challenge you to read these stories and selections without laughing.

You can download it in a number of formats from Smashwords without charge.  Use this link: http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/hanque

Please pass it on to others when you're done with it.

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Blog...

Baseball players upset by Lopez contract

(Hanque Faux News Network)

Major League baseball players expressed outrage today over the size of Jennifer Lopez's contract.

A union official who talked only under condition of anonymity said, "I doubt if she can catch a baseball and I'm sure she can't hit a fast ball, so why is she worth all that money?  We have major league players who can catch and hit and they don't earn anything near that much.  We have notified every owner and the MLB that the players demand a raise of one million a year...