Hank Quense's Blog: Hank Quense's Blog, page 79
October 5, 2011
Zaftan Entrepreneurs: a new review
The LL Book Review site has posted a review on my novel. In part it reads:
Hank has managed to combine elements of politics and humor to create this epic tale. As he promised Hank has shown us an undiscovered side of Sci-Fi that has not been seen before. It's[image error] brilliantly unique. He's managed to cram so many opposing themes and made them flow together. Its kinda like a meal of Brussels sprouts and ice-cream and he's managed to make it taste like chocolate
My first thought was…quirky, unique, completely original, different, extraordinary… I could go on spewing out a torrent of synonyms but I think you get the point
I see that this book has been quite hyped as being full of laughs and although still funny I wouldn't say it was comedy, more like wit than anything else. It reminds me of Terry Pratchett's Discworld series and very much like Pratchett's books I can see this coming a long way and perhaps becoming a cult favorite.
I look forward to reading Zaftan Miscreants, the next in the planned three book series, and as much as I think that it'll be every bit as good as its predecessor I am slightly disappointed that the book is set two hundred and fifty years after the first, I would of liked to see more of the characters. With a little recognition this could go a long way and I wish Hank Quense to have continued good fortune with his writing. I did forget to mention that ZE has also picked up a Readers Favorite award. To conclude, it's a brilliant book that shows a new side of Sci-Fi rarely seen before. Buy it!
Here is the complete list of book sellers
(Author's Note: the characters in this book aren't in retirement. They may be back for more adventure, but without the smelly aliens)
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October 2, 2011
Chasing Dreams: a novella
For your reading enjoyment, here is the opening scene from Chasing Dreams, a novella that tells of the journey of twin brothers as they progress from strong-armed thugs to highway bandits to bawdy house owners to politicians. Along the way, they are harassed by vigilantes posing as heroes.
This novella is in Tales From Gundarland, a collection of six humorous short stories and two novellas
CHASING DREAMS
PART ONE: THE RETURN OF ZARRO
Zarro pulled down the black mask to cover the upper part of his face then peeked over the edge of the roof. On the hanging platform below, a trembling dwarf stood over a trap door with a noose around his neck. He had been caught stealing a loaf of bread to feed his starving wife and six dwarflings, a common event in the town of Mud Flats. A large crowd had gathered to watch the entertainment and to enjoy the fine spring weather.
He took in the rest of the platform and gulped. Three yuk guards! He expected to face only one. Two at[image error]the most. Ferocious fighters, the large, green-skinned yuks wouldn't take kindly to his interference and they were twice as tall and twice as wide as a dwarf like him. All three wore the constabulary uniform: tan breeches and shirts open to their navels because their thick, clumsy fingers couldn't handle the buttons.
Zarro stood up, smoothed his black tunic and checked that his black pants were tucked into the top of his black boots. Satisfied with his appearance, he uncoiled his bull whip and snapped it forward. The end wrapped around the stout timber supporting the noose. He put a death-grip on the handle, took a deep breath, leaped off the roof and flew towards the platform, his cape flapping behind him like a demented bat.
"It's Zarro!" a spectator yelled.
"Zarro has returned!" another screamed.
The whip unraveled and Zarro added to the chorus of screams before he crashed onto the platform and bumped the prisoner. A gasping sound came from the dwarf as he dangled at the end of the noose and scrabbled to get his feet back on the platform. Zarro dropped the whip, pulled out his cutlass and hacked through the rope. The dwarf fell into the crowd.
"Wot's this then?" a dwarf in the front row said. "No hangin'?"
"I been standin' inna hot sun for hours," another said. "I ain't gonna be cheated."
The spectators threw the sobbing prisoner back onto the platform.
Two yuks charged Zarro from different angles. He shifted his feet, got them tangled in the whip and fell on his face just as the yuks slashed with their swords. Both constables stabbed each other in the leg. Their swords clattered to the platform as Zarro scrambled to his feet and faced the last yuk.
"Zarro!" The crowd roared.
Zarro backed up. His opponent growled in anger and strode forward, his cutlass raised over his head. Zarro gulped. His sword was less than half as long as the other's blade.
"A half-penny says Zarro loses his guts," a spectator yelled.
"Done," another replied.
Before the yuk could strike, Zarro's donkey, Belinda, trotted up the steps in the rear of the platform. The wood planks shook and bounced as she ran over to the yuk and bit his shoulder. The yuk howled and dropped his sword. Zarro thanked the Fates that Belinda hated yuks even more than she hated him. He looked around for the prisoner and saw him hurrying away surrounded by a bunch of dwarflings. A female walked backwards holding a stout tree branch and threatened anyone who came close.
He fetched his whip and coiled it. Then, with rapid slashes of his sword, incised the letter Z on the yuk's chest. He crept close to Belinda from behind and leaped into the saddle.
"Zarro!" the crowd yelled over and over.
Belinda stood on her rear legs and shook herself.
"Stop trying to throw me, you stupid animal." Zarro barely held on.
The crowd cheered.
Zarro held the reins and squeezed his calves as tight as he could. Belinda leaped into the air and bucked while trying to bite Zarro's foot. He bashed the back of her head with the whip handle.
"Zarro!" the crowd roared.
Belinda jumped off the platform and ran towards the woods. Zarro's cape billowing and snapping like a loose sail.
He managed to duck in time as Belinda ran under a low-hanging branch trying to scrape him out of the saddle.
"Zarro!" the crowd screamed.
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September 27, 2011
Ever wonder what a zaftan looked like?
Below is a picture of Lt. Klatze, the heroine of my new novel Zaftan Miscreants: book 2 of the Zaftan Trilogy. Talented and stunningly beautiful, it's no wonder Commodore Gongeblazn lusts after her.
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Perry blasts Obama over Neutrino Speeds
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Governor Perry plans to issue a statement tomorrow concerning the release of scientific claims. Faux New Network political reporter Stacy Conundrum got a copy in advance.
September 26, 2011. For immediate release:
I deplore President Obama's hands-off approach to all the phony claims that the scientific community issues with impunity. As if the ludicrous claims about global warming and climate change aren't bad enough, now the scientists have issued a claim that flies in the face of the bible. Their report that some particle traveled at greater than light speed must be treated as absurd.
According to the Bible and Genesis, God created light. It is inconceivable that He would create light and not establish an upper speed limit. Therefore the claim that some particle (that no one has ever seen!) traveled faster than the speed of light borders on blasphemy.
I call on President Obama to initiate strict controls over these phony scientific claims.
I have heard the experiment took place in Geneva and Obama had no control over it. Utter nonsense. I don't care if the experiment took place in a town called Geneva in Wisconsin, Illinois, Ohio or some other state, the President has an obligation to control the scientists and regulate their pernicious reports.
After I'm elected President, scientists will be prohibited from issue reports unless, and until, they are approved by my advisors. Certainly, no reports will be issued that are in conflict with the Bible.
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September 21, 2011
Suicide No Longer a Sin?
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Reverend Marcus Antonio, a TV evangelist, held a press conference today to explain the new policy of his Mount Jordan Holy Temple and Drive-Through Confessional (™). Faux News Network religious reporter Matthew Mark Lukejohn covered the event.
Rev. Antonio: I listened to Reverend Pat Robertson explain his amazing revelation that a husband can divorce a wife with Alzheimer's. It was a watershed event in modern religious life. I applaud Rev Pat's courage in speaking out about this new view. His disclosure triggered my own revelation.
I have been reliably informed by the Archangel Michael that suicide can be forgiven in advance under certain conditions. The Archangel appeared to me two nights ago and I have prayed ever since for a sign that it was really Michael and not the Arch-fiend.
My prayers were answered. A dollar sigh appeared to me while I slept last night and I knew Michael sent it to me. When I awoke I started a crusade to take away the stigma of suicide.
If someone has the need to kill themselves, I implore them to make an appointment with me or one of my franchised Certified Suicide Forgivers (™) who will soon spread into every state.
My Forgivers, acting as facilitators, will probe the need for the suicide to ensure only serious reasons are present and that the individual truly wants pre-forgiveness. After those conditions are met, the potential suiciders are asked to sign a document assigning his/her entire estate to the MJHT&DC ™ Once a notary public has notarized the document, the person is authorized to commit suicide without prejudicing his soul. Further, if the suicider brings a weapon with him/her, the Forgiver will bless it at no extra charge, thus making it a holy weapon.
For civil law reasons the suicidal person is urged to kill him/herself with twelve hours so the authorities can't interfere as the Forgivers are required to inform them within a day of the meeting.
I rejoice that so many misguided souls can now be saved from the anguish of eternal hellfire through the simple act of asking forgiveness prior to the fatal deed.
Matthew Mark Lukejohn: If the suicide attempt fails is the signed and notarized document still valid or has it expired.
Rev. Antonio: This press conference is over.
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September 12, 2011
NY Giants Eliminated from Post-Season
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In a shocking and unprecedented move, the NFL announced that the New York Giants have been eliminated from contending for a playoff spot.
FNN sports reporter, Jock Strapper, talked with an NFL spokeswoman. She said, "New York is a huge market and the Giants have thousands of fans. Unfortunately, the Giants are a defense minded football team and their defense has been decimated with season-ending injuries. The rest of the team plays uninspired football with little enthusiasm. Football evolves, it always has, but the Giant coaching staff is stuck in the past and shows no creativity, especially in its play calling.
"Under these circumstances, the NFL feels that we shouldn't give false hope to those thousands of fans who root and pray that the Giants will make it to the playoffs this year. Ain't gonna happen.
"So to alleviate the end-of-year disappointment of those fans, we pulled the plug on the Giants. We think Giant fans will appreciate what we did after a few more games."
The spokesperson went to say that the NFL reserves the right to reverse this decision and it will be reviewed after Thanksgiving.
This has been a Faux New Network exclusive sports report
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September 9, 2011
Mets manager "satisfied" with the season
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New York Mets manager Terry Collins said in an exclusive interview with FNN sports reporter Jock Strapper that he "… feels the Mets have met the expectation of the team's management and of the fans. It looks like we'll finish around .500, exactly where a mediocre team should be at the end of the season. I predicted this in the spring, but it wasn't as easy I thought it would be."
When asked what proved to be difficult, he answered, "Our starting pitchers were better than we though they'd be in spring training. Fortunately, we had some creativity from the bullpen and they blew a number of games that looked like we could win. Losing those games was a team effort and I have say I'm pleased with that. Even when we were up by a big score, we didn't give up. The other team kept scoring and, in the end, we tallied another loss."
Collins was asked what he though was the turning point in the season. "Clearly, it was early on when Ike Davis and David Wright got hurt. When those two big bats in the lineup, we were on our way to more than a .500 season. Frankly, without those injuries, I think we would have been hard pressed not to win quite a few more games. Later on, our best hitters, Jose Reyes and Daniel Murphy sustained injuries and the kept us from getting off track."
When asked about next year, he replied, "I'm sure our management will try to add a few less-than-stellar players to help weaken our bench. I have a lot of trust in the upper office. They'll do their level best to keep us uncompetitive."
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August 26, 2011
Wotan (aka Odin) Holds a Press Conference
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FNN reporter Stacy Conundrum filed this report from a grove of oak trees near the Rhine River where Wotan scheduled a press conference. Her report consists of transcribed audio clips and her descriptive additions.
(Just before the scheduled time the grove is empty except for a few reporters. Suddenly, a dozen large-boned, beautiful women appear out of nowhere. They all wear metal breastplates and double-horned helmets. They also carry spears. One of them steps forward, bangs her spear butt on the ground three times.)
(In loud voice) Mortals! I am Brunnhilde, leader of the Valkyries. Kneel and bow. Wotan approaches!
(No one listens to her. We all stare at the bevy of gorgeous goddesses even the women reporter)
(Wotan, a one-eyed old man, pops into existence in the midst of the women. He wears a blue cloak over tan trews and a white linen shirt. Like the Valkyries, he carries a spear and glares at the gathered reporters.)
(Wotan) Six? Only six scribblers come to listen to Wotan, the most powerful god in the world.
(Brunnhilde pats his arm)
(Brunnhilde) We really only need one reporter with today's communications networks, All-Father.
(Wotan looks confused. Brunnhilde pats his arm again) Carry on.
(Brunnhilde hands Wotan a microphone.)
(Wotan drops the microphone then smashes the device with his spear butt)
(Wotan) Heed me, mortals! I did it. All the bad stuff that happened in the last few weeks? All my responsibility. Hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, dust storms, tsunamis, I made them all happen. And they will keep on happening until you mortals change your ways and go back to worshipping yours truly. No more Mister Nice Guy. I'm sick of being ignored. I want sacrifices and I want blood. Real blood, none of this chicken stuff. I want warrior blood, spilled in battles with edged weapons, not these automatic weapons and bombs and artillery shells. Your modern weapons are for wimps. Real men fight with swords and spears and axes. Real men dedicate their kills to me and that's what I want to see happen.
(Pauses, gives one-eyed grimace at the reporters)
(Wotan) If I'm not offered blood in sufficient quantities, the chaos will continue.
(Wotan points to Brunnhilde)
(Wotan) Explain what will happen if my bloodlust is not quenched.
(Brunnhilde holds up one hand and a projector and screen appears She snaps a finger and an image shows on the screen)
(Brunnhilde) This is an overhead picture of Valhalla. I shot it with my new IPhone.
(Brunnhilde holds up a white IPhone)
(Brunnhilde) Valhalla is quite large as you can see.
(New slide appears showing a plot plan with the dimensions of the building)
(Brunnhilde) If you do the math, you'll determine that Valhalla occupies seven-hundred-thirty-eight acres, all of it filled with heroes and warriors bored out of their minds and ready to do anything to relieve the boredom.
(Another picture appears showing hundreds of burly men dressed in skins or leather armor shaking spears and axes in a fearsome way).
(Brunnhilde) This is only a fraction of the more than a million warriors available to the All-Father. Believe me when I say that he is itching to unleash these warriors on you modern wimps and slaughter you all back to the Dark Ages. And don't think rifles, machine guns, tanks and fighter plans will defeat these warriors. Your modern weapons will have no effect on them. They're already dead."
( Another slide shows Earth drenched in blood.)
(Brunnhilde) This is what Ragnarok looks like and that is what will occur unless you worship my Father in the manner he demands.
(Woman reporter raises her hand)
(Wotan looks puzzled)
(Brunnhilde nods)
(Reporter) Several candidates for the American Presidency say the recent crop of disasters are caused by the Christian god because of that country's immorality. So, are you a copy-cat god or the original thing?
(Wotan grabs a Valkyrie by the forearm)
(Wotan) Hild! Mark her well! When she dies fetch her soul to my fortress. I'll feed it to the moat monsters
(Wotan shakes his spear at the reporters).
(Hild whispers Wotan's in ear)
(Wotan) What? Barcelona is losing to the Copenhagen team? I must go. I should get there in time to watch the entire second half. Brunnhilde, take over for me.
(A lime-green cap–the F.C. Kobenhavn team color — appears on Wotan's head. He disappears)
(Brunnhilde rolls her eyes)
(Brunnhilde) Never mind. The press conference is over. F.C. Kobenhavn hasn't won a game in six weeks. That's why the All-father is in a bad mood. If Copenhagen beats Barcelona, you can forget about his demands.
(Woman reporter) What about me?
(Brunnhilde) Hild?
(Hild) Darn! I can't find the mortal I'm supposed to watch.
(Brunnhilde) Okay, ladies. Time for us to get a mani and a pedi.
(Valkyries disappear)
FNN: for more about Brunnhilde and Wotan read Brunnhilde's Quest
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August 25, 2011
New Jersey Declared Corruption Free
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Stacy Conundrum, the FNN political reporter, filed this report from the capital building in Trenton, NJ
The independent Corruption Investigation Commission (CIC) has announced its findings after an exhaustive three-year investigation. The Commission could not identify any corrupt politicians at any level of the state government. The investigation covered elected officials and appointees to various boards and regulatory commissions.
Maurice Blowhard, the head of the Commission, said he and his staff interviewed dozens of politicians and regulators. "We asked tough questions," Blowhard said. "We pulled no punches. We asked them straight out if they ever took money from people looking for favorable treatment. We asked them if they ever gave out political favors. We asked them if they issued regulations that favored special interest groups at the expense of the public. You can see from these questions that our Commission wasn't fooling around. We went after the truth. Much to our surprise, all of the people interviewed, every single one of them, swore the answer to all the questions was 'No'. They vehemently proclaimed their dedication to public service and would never do anything that would compromise their reputations."
The announcement went on to say that the CIC's twenty-million dollar annual budget was money well spent since it served to put the voters' minds at ease. "The voters can now rest assured that their public servants have their best interests in mind while they hold office."
Blowhard, a major contributor to all political parties, was appointed under the previous administration and has an annual salary of $750,000 . Serving with him are his daughter, a grandson and a nephew, ". . . the best people I could find to fill the posts," Blowhard said at the time the Commission was formed.
The CIC also recommended that it should be kept in place to continue monitoring the political landscape. It proposed a budget increase of 25% so it could increase the monitoring at the local level. "We need to assure the voters that mayors and town officials are just as honest as the politicians at the state level," Blowhard said.
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August 20, 2011
Faux News Network Interviews Hank Quense
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Marcia Hammerhead: Once again, I have the distasteful chore of interviewing my least favorite author, Hank Quense:. This time around, I hope he hasn't destroyed another Shakespearian play. Mr Quense, what work of art have you trashed this time?
Hank Quense: Hi Marcia. Thank you for the warm welcome. This time I rewrote an old legend known as the Rhinegold. It's called Brunnhilde's Quest.
MH: So tell us about his myth.
HQ: The myth takes place in Northern Germany during the Dark Ages. The Rhinegold is a horde of gold[image error]with magical properties. One of those properties is that it keeps Wotan and the other gods from aging. A dwarf named Albrecht finds the gold, and fashions it into a ring of immense power. Eventually the Ring is cursed and prevents Wotan from stealing it back; it has to be freely given to him in order to negate the curse. To accomplish that, he plans to breed an old-fashioned hero, one strong in arm and short on brains.
MH: Isn't that the story behind Richard Wagner's great opus, the Ring Cycle of Operas?
HQ: It is. My version of the myth isn't nearly as depressing as Wagner's version.
MH: Wagner virtually owns the Rhinegold myth. No one ever heard of it until he used in his Ring Cycle. How dare you change it at this late date?
HQ: Wagner's ending was terrible. It was nonsensical. Wagner could compose great music, but he was a terrible story teller. I used my story telling skills to improve the ending. I actually have a semi-happy ending whereas Wagner's ending was depressing.
MH: I suppose your story makes the god, Wotan, look foolish and comical.
HQ: So? He deserves it. Wotan was a dirty old man. Well, more accurately, a dirty old god. And a murderous one besides.
MH: Obviously, you can't develop your own stories so you steal them from others. That is so despicable.
HQ: Not true. Many readers believe I improve the stories and they thank me for doing so
MH: What a terrible development! Encouraging you will only make you desecrate more works of art.
HQ: That's true. As soon as we finish here, I have to get back to rewriting Hamlet and Othello, my newest work.
MH: You, an unknown scribbler, dare to think you can improve on the old masters such as Shakespeare and Wagner? Such chutzpah!
HQ: I think these old stories needed to be updated for modern readers. In my opinion, I introduce these stories to an entire new generation of readers.
MH: I can't stand this anymore. This interview is over.
HQ: I had fun Marcia. Let's do this again.
Author's note (post interview): Get a copy of Brunnhilde's Quest and see if you agree with Marcia or me. Http://hankquense.com/BQ-ebook.html
Leave a comment to tell me who you agree with.
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Hank Quense's Blog
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