Hank Quense's Blog: Hank Quense's Blog, page 77

FNN Report: Responsible Godhood Movement Gains Traction.

Today, inspired by the Occupy Wall Street Movement, thousands of protesters gathered in front of churches and temples to decry the slipshod methods used by the Creator.  They demanded change and insisted on higher quality control by used by the so-called omniscient deity currently in charge of production.FNN Religious Reporter Matthew Mark Lukejohn interviewed the movement leader Thaddeus Humbug about the Movement's objectives. Here's his interview.MMLJ: Why are these people protesting against God?TH: We are disgusted with the shoddy workmanship put out by He/She/It.  For eons, people have accepted the substandard garbage because they didn't know better.  Well, no more.  Science now allows to identify the defects that plague the production process.  Our movement is calling He/She/It out and demanding changes.MMLJ: Can you give us examples of what your demonstrating against?TH: Sure.  We are against people getting born with genes that make it highly likely they will get cancer at an early age.  We're standing up for people born with weak hearts.  We are vehemently against babies getting born with birth defects.  These babies have little or no chance of having a normal life.  Why do these innocent babies have to suffer just because He/She/It can't put out a decent product?MMLJ: How do you think the process can be improved?TH: What are all the saved souls doing?  As far as we can tell, they just sit around and sing Hosannas.  It's about time they were put to work on quality control.  And then there's all those angels.  What exactly is their role?  Why aren't they helping out?  Why don't they get busy stopping wars or eliminating pollution?  And don't get me started on why churches and temples need all the gold and treasures that are stored inside them.  Why does He/She/It need treasure?  What does He/She/It do with it?MMLJ: So your movement is also protesting against the idle saved, the heavenly staff and excessive church wealth?
TH: Exactly.  But out protest is mostly demanding production changes.  The process probably hasn't had a decent quality review since it was started. And whose fault is that?  He/She/It is so pompous and arrogant He/She/It can't conceive of the possibility that the process is defective and can be improved.  This pomposity and arrogance must end.  We demand changes and we want to be involved in the decision making process.  Until the situation improves, we will continue to camp out on church grounds and insist on process improvements.This is Matthew Mark Lukejohn reporting from The Church of the Holy Elbow in Weehawken, New Jersey.  I'll continue to cover this breaking story.

Five Star review

Zaftan Miscreants has picked up another five-star review. The review reads in part:
The story line itself was not just one cut and dried road, it had a lot of little twists and side-stories and I don't want to give away too much but a lot of the goings-ons could really be paralleled to things happening here and now. Life, love, government, deception, lies, hope, despair, it's all in there wrapped up with some of the best satirical humor I've ever read. Just like a good spaghetti sauce IT'S IN THERE. 

Once you pick up this book and take a taste, you don't wanna put it down til your overly full and sated. 


I would recommend this first to anyone with a sense of humor! Secondly to all fans of sci-fi who are looking for something just a little different. 


Check it out!

Zaftan Miscreants Sample

Sample Scene from Zaftan Miscreants: Book 2 of the Zaftan TrilogyBackstoryThe book's antagonist, Gongeblazn, is freed from prison where he heard tales of a famous pirate, Blackbeard the Dwarf. Gongeblazn, who believes he is channeling the famous pirate, changes his name to Blackbeard, steals a trading vessel and recruits a crew from the galaxy's worst tavern.  In this scene he musters the crew for the first time:========================================== With everyone on board, Blackbeard called a muster.  He looked over his crew as they stood approximately at attention, most holding their noses and breathing through their mouths.  They consisted of a half-dozen porcines, three zaftans, five dwarfs, one elf, seven humans, the yuk bartender and a half-pint.  He looked down on the diminutive would-be pirate and said, "I do not remember ya signin' The Articles.""I did sign them."Blackbeard unrolled The Articles and scanned the signatures.  "What's yer name?""Harry Hotspur.  I was a teacher in the high school, but I decided to go adventuring.""By the tides, ye did sign up. It's just that yer a bit small to be a pirate.  Someone will step on ye when we board a ship.""I make up for my small stature by being overly aggressive.""And ya talk funny.""I'm a political science teacher and it's pretty boring stuff.""He's kinda useless as a pirate," the former bartender said.  "Maybe, we could throw him at da other crew we when board dere ship.""Useless, am I?"  Harry charged at the yuk, lowered his head at the last moment and rammed it into the yuk's crotch.  The yuk folded up with a whooshing sound and collapsed to the deck.""Arrgh, where did ya learn that trick?" Blackbeard asked."From my students.  To survive in that high school, one has to be tough and a fast learner.  The students are vicious."Blackbeard turned his attention to the rest of the crew.  "It has come to me notice that none of ye has a peg leg.  A good crew needs a peg leg or two.  Who will volunteer to get a leg hacked off so he can use a peg leg?""Ask one of them," a dwarf replied and jerked a thumb towards the zaftans.  "They look like they can do without a tentacle or two.""Are ye daft?  Who ever heard of a pirate with a peg tentacle?"  He scanned his forces.  "Anyone own a parrot?"No one answered."All pirate ships have a parrot.  Computer!  Buy a parrot as soon as ye can.""Live or stuffed?" Slash 9 asked."Either one.  Now then.  None of ye are wearin' eyepatches.  Anyone want to get an eye gouged out so ye can look like a salty dog of a pirate?""I can hardly see out of my right eye," a porcine said.  "I'll wear a patch if you like.""Arrrgh!  A volunteer.  Right, put it on.""Can't.  I don't got one.""Computer!""I know.  Order eyepatches.  Black ones I suppose.""Right.  And order some peg legs and crutches.  Mayhap, one of these lads will lose a limb boarding a ship."  Brimming with pride over his new command and crew, he dismissed them to let them discover the ship had only a dozen bunks for the crew of twenty-four.

Zaftan Miscreants up for adoption!

The "Adopt an Indie" website has my book waiting to be adopted.  It involves getting a copy (free) and reading it, then ask me and other authors questions and/or writing a review.  The event runs during the entire month of November.
The link to my page on the site is here.  And here is the request form.  Fill it out to adopt my novel.  Laughter guaranteed.

Zaftan Miscreant Review

Hank Quense has done it again! His addition of Slash 9, the ship's computer, who wants to control the ship and demands Sam's allegiance brings laughter. But his character Dot 38, an antique robot who has been floating in space for years, is absolutely hilarious. It is portrayed as a spreader of the good news waiting for the Mechanical Messiah to come and save all of the mechanical beings. Then after a knock on the head, it decides the best solution is to form unions for all types of mechanical devices including the Council of Clocks and the Amalgamated Appliances Association.

If there was ever an author born to write satire, Hank Quense is our man. While reading Zaftan Miscreants I couldn't help but compare it to our own world of events. The names and looks may have been changed to protect the innocent, but the insinuations are definitely familiar. As with the 1st book in this series, I have laughed hard as I pictured the scenes in my mind and as I pictured the character from the author's description. Hank Quense is truly a man with an imagination!
Martha Cheves: 5 stars


You can read the entire review on Amazon

Death of Democracy

This is my personal opinion based on reading history and current event articles.The Occupy Wall Street movement is protesting a number of issues, but the primary one that links all the issues together is the death of democracy that started with the Declaration of Independence and the Revolutionary War.  The cause of death is the spectacular success of unfettered and loosely regulated capitalism.  The politicians in Washington who were supposed to protect the Constitution and our democratic way of life have become slaves to the money faucet that capitalism has turned on in the form of lobbyists and campaign donations.  Our democratic system has been replaced by an oligarchy of money and influence.While this change has been going on for a number of years, perhaps starting as long ago as 1776, the change process completed under Bush and Cheney, who are part of the oligarchy, and it took several years before we got the full impact. The oligarchs are powerful leaders in the energy, drug, defense, and other major industries.  They dictate policy to their bought Congressmen and the oligarchs expect their congressional minions to implement the demands.  This means that all legislature passed in Congress is tilted to favor the oligarchs thus making their hold on the country even strongerHow do we take back democracy? I don't know the answer, but we can't expect Congress to turn off the money faucet by itself.  Some partial answers are to overturn the Supreme Court's ruling that corporations are people with a right to free speech (I.e. campaign donations).  Lobbyists must be strictly regulated or even banned.  A giant step in the right direction would be to institute strict term limits on Congress.  A wave of fresh blood makes it much harder and expensive for the oligarchs to control Congressmen who are constantly getting replaced.  They would be reluctant to fork over money to a Congressman who will soon be out of a job.

Author Interview: Stephanie Campbell: Part 2

This post is a continuation of my interview with Stephanie Campbell.  Today she'll talk more about her new book and her future plans.
Tell us about the book:
Ronnie Toll has never played with other kids. He's never slept soundly throughout the night, turned a corner without checking first, or laughed for the sake of laughing. All Ronnie knows is a world of shadows and monsters. His mother and father, Marion and Leon, are the only ones by his side. But all that is about to change when his mother is murdered by the monsters that only he can see. With his only safe haven crumbling around him, Ronnie becomes a poacher for the other side to help protect human civilization as he knows it. The problem is, he's taking on more than he bargained for when he tangles with creatures that are larger than life—and himself. 
You can get it at: http://www.amazon.com/Poachers-Stephanie-Campbell/dp/1937004481How is your book different than others out in the market? What needs does your book meet that makes it a must for someone to buy?
I've never seen another book that involves the government and guns in combination with fantasy. My book has both. There are very few swords in my book, because I like to keep it realistic. I've seen many YA novels that make me wonder, 'With modern technology, wouldn't it just be easier to get a rifle?' I know that it's termed young adult, but hurting someone, even a monster, with a sword is just as bloody as shooting somebody.
Tell us more about Ronnie Toll. 
Ronnie Toll is a boy who sees monsters that nobody else can. He loves his family, but he also blames himself for a lot of things that he didn't do. Despite what he thinks about himself, he is a very loving character. 
What do you do when you aren't writing stories?
My eventual goal is to write stories 24/7, but right now that isn't financially possible for me. At this point I am working on starting my own publishing company and am also working nights as a fundraiser. It's a great job getting to help others, but I want to work in the publishing world because I love books so much.

Author Interview: Stephanie Campbell: Part 1

Today, I'm interviewing Stephanie Campbell who is also know as Ronnie Toll, one of her characters.  I can never identify that closely with my characters, but mine tend to be non-humans.  Steph's (or Ronnie's) new book is called Poachers.
First off, as a way of introduction, I am going to ask you why I am asking you these interview question?
I'm not one hundred percent sure. I fear that I may have stumbled here by mistake. Looks around anxiously. Is that an alien? No, just kidding. I am here to pretend that this interview isn't a cleverly disguised way to talk about my new book, Poachers.
I see that you like to write comedy. Do you "get in the comedy mood" before you write?
Nope. I'm just funny naturally. At least, I am under the impression that I am funny naturally. Of course, chances are good that people are laughing at my apparent lack of common sense rather than my jokes, but who's to say?
Do you work people that you hate into your novels?
Not really. I relay the emotions that people create in me in my novels. I'll deliberately make myself depressed in order to get a dramatic scene if need be.
Say you are REALLY hungry. Do you find a way to write about food in your books?Oh yes. I outline my books deliberately, but if you see any reference to food in my books, chances are good that it was a half an hour until lunch time when I was writing the scene and that I was desperate for some goodies. Do you do anything really weird to prepare for writing? I have a very set schedule. I get up at 7:45 and go for a nice, relaxing run and then begin my writing day. I also set aside schedules to do each thing, like editing and writing and querying.
Are you as funny in real life as you are in your books?I would like to think so. You'd have to ask the people around me. I'm pretty sure that 75% of the world thinks I'm nuts more than funny, but that's my own guess. Laughs.Are you a people person?I am a bi-polar person. I will go in my cave to write, and then I have moments where all I want to do is socialize. I can get distant, though. I have a rule where I must leave my house at least one day a week to socialize, even during my "closeted" writing stages. What is your favorite book?Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer. I have never met a more complex and amazing character as Artemis Fowl. I mean, he's an evil genius, but you want him to win! The tables are totally flipped from the norm. I love it!
If you had the choice between meeting a famous author and meeting Penelope Cruz, who would you choose to meet?An author, unless it was Viggo Mortenson. Sighs dreamily. Dear Viggo, when will you realize that I am your true love. Some writers have weird quirks. Jack London even pretended to be a wolf and ate raw meat. Do you have weird quirks?Oh yeah. Some people don't know this about me, but I take on the personality of whoever it is I am writing about. It used to be a subconscious, but I guess it's conscious now that I realize that I'm doing it. I just can't stop. I get angry if I'm an angry character, and I get nuts if I'm writing a nuts character...though I suppose the fact that I method write so completely that I act like my characters is "nuts." Also, I get emotional with my characters.Finally, the question the separates the men from the boys. If you were a fruit, what kind of fruit would you be? Why?  Mmmm. A nectarine. It's my favorite fruit. I would then eat myself, and the world would be a better place.
Book Bio:Ronnie Toll has never played with other kids. He's never slept soundly throughout the night, turned a corner without checking first, or laughed for the sake of laughing. All Ronnie knows is a world of shadows and monsters. His mother and father, Marion and Leon, are the only ones by his side. But all that is about to change when his mother is murdered by the monsters that only he can see. With his only safe haven crumbling around him, Ronnie becomes a poacher for the other side to help protect human civilization as he knows it. The problem is, he's taking on more than he bargained for when he tangles with creatures that are larger than life—and himself. About Me:Stephanie Campbell had her first book, Until We Meet Again, published at the age of seventeen. Now, at twenty, she is still wacking away at her computer, one day at a time. When she isn't reading or writing, she likes to dance, take karate lessons, and run. After all, you never know when you're about to be sucked into another world. 

Author Interview: Stephanie Campbell

Today, I'm interviewing Stephanie Campbell who is also know as Ronnie Toll, one of her characters.  I can never identify that closely with my characters, but mine tend to be non-humans.  Steph's (or Ronnie's) new book is called Poachers.
First off, as a way of introduction, I am going to ask you why I am asking you these interview question?
I'm not one hundred percent sure. I fear that I may have stumbled here by mistake. Looks around anxiously. Is that an alien? No, just kidding. I am here to pretend that this interview isn't a cleverly disguised way to talk about my new book, Poachers.
I see that you like to write comedy. Do you "get in the comedy mood" before you write?
Nope. I'm just funny naturally. At least, I am under the impression that I am funny naturally. Of course, chances are good that people are laughing at my apparent lack of common sense rather than my jokes, but who's to say?
Do you work people that you hate into your novels?
Not really. I relay the emotions that people create in me in my novels. I'll deliberately make myself depressed in order to get a dramatic scene if need be.
Say you are REALLY hungry. Do you find a way to write about food in your books?Oh yes. I outline my books deliberately, but if you see any reference to food in my books, chances are good that it was a half an hour until lunch time when I was writing the scene and that I was desperate for some goodies. Do you do anything really weird to prepare for writing? I have a very set schedule. I get up at 7:45 and go for a nice, relaxing run and then begin my writing day. I also set aside schedules to do each thing, like editing and writing and querying.
Are you as funny in real life as you are in your books?I would like to think so. You'd have to ask the people around me. I'm pretty sure that 75% of the world thinks I'm nuts more than funny, but that's my own guess. Laughs.Are you a people person?I am a bi-polar person. I will go in my cave to write, and then I have moments where all I want to do is socialize. I can get distant, though. I have a rule where I must leave my house at least one day a week to socialize, even during my "closeted" writing stages. What is your favorite book?Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer. I have never met a more complex and amazing character as Artemis Fowl. I mean, he's an evil genius, but you want him to win! The tables are totally flipped from the norm. I love it!
If you had the choice between meeting a famous author and meeting Penelope Cruz, who would you choose to meet?An author, unless it was Viggo Mortenson. Sighs dreamily. Dear Viggo, when will you realize that I am your true love. Some writers have weird quirks. Jack London even pretended to be a wolf and ate raw meat. Do you have weird quirks?Oh yeah. Some people don't know this about me, but I take on the personality of whoever it is I am writing about. It used to be a subconscious, but I guess it's conscious now that I realize that I'm doing it. I just can't stop. I get angry if I'm an angry character, and I get nuts if I'm writing a nuts character...though I suppose the fact that I method write so completely that I act like my characters is "nuts." Also, I get emotional with my characters.Finally, the question the separates the men from the boys. If you were a fruit, what kind of fruit would you be? Why?  Mmmm. A nectarine. It's my favorite fruit. I would then eat myself, and the world would be a better place.
Book Bio:Ronnie Toll has never played with other kids. He's never slept soundly throughout the night, turned a corner without checking first, or laughed for the sake of laughing. All Ronnie knows is a world of shadows and monsters. His mother and father, Marion and Leon, are the only ones by his side. But all that is about to change when his mother is murdered by the monsters that only he can see. With his only safe haven crumbling around him, Ronnie becomes a poacher for the other side to help protect human civilization as he knows it. The problem is, he's taking on more than he bargained for when he tangles with creatures that are larger than life—and himself. About Me:Stephanie Campbell had her first book, Until We Meet Again, published at the age of seventeen. Now, at twenty, she is still wacking away at her computer, one day at a time. When she isn't reading or writing, she likes to dance, take karate lessons, and run. After all, you never know when you're about to be sucked into another world. 

Faux News Network Expands its coverage

Faux News Network is proud to announce that it has signed agreements to greatly expand its network.  Effective immediately, a news bureau will be established in Dun Hythe, the capital of Gundarland.  A second bureau will be set up on Zaftan 31B, the home planet of the aliens known as Zaftans.Our Gundarland bureau chief is named Sandra Elfenheimer.  She will concentrate on interviews and updates on the lives of the many story characters that live there.On Zaftan 31B, Chazerei will head up the bureau.  We have asked her to compare election processors on Zaftan 31B and on Earth.  Look for her report in the near future.Since both these bureaus are in a parallel universe, Faux News Network is the first news organization to expand into other worlds and we will be the first news organization to use the newly developed Wormhole Communication System.