Hank Quense's Blog: Hank Quense's Blog, page 75

FNN Exclusive Interview with author of Brunnhilde's Quest

Marcia Hammerhead: Once again, I have the distasteful chore of interviewing my least favorite author, Hank Quense.  This time around, I hope he hasn't destroyed another Shakespearian play.  Mr Quense, what work of art have you trashed this time?Hank Quense:  Hi Marcia.  Thank you for the warm welcome.  This time I rewrote an old legend known as the Rhinegold. It's called Brunnhilde's Quest.MH: So tell us about his myth.HQ: The myth takes place in Northern Germany during the Dark Ages.  The Rhinegold is a horde of gold[image error]with magical properties.  One of those properties is that it keeps Wotan and the other gods from aging.  A dwarf named Albrecht finds the gold, and fashions it into a ring of immense power.  Eventually the Ring is cursed and prevents Wotan from stealing it back; it has to be freely given to him in order to negate the curse. To accomplish that, he plans to breed an old-fashioned hero, one strong in arm and short on brains.MH: Isn't that the story behind Richard Wagner's great opus, the Ring Cycle of Operas?HQ: It is.  My version of the myth isn't nearly as depressing as Wagner's version.MH: Wagner virtually owns the Rhinegold myth.  No one ever heard of it until he used in his Ring Cycle.  How dare you change it at this late date?HQ: Wagner's ending was terrible.  It was nonsensical.  Wagner could compose great music, but he was a terrible story teller.  I used my story telling skills to improve the ending.  I actually have a semi-happy ending whereas Wagner's ending was depressing.MH: I suppose your story makes the god, Wotan, look foolish and comical.HQ:  So?  He deserves it.  Wotan was a dirty old man. Well, more accurately, a dirty old god.   And a murderous one besides.MH: Obviously, you can't develop your own stories so you steal them from others.  That is so despicable.HQ: Not true.  Many readers believe I improve the stories and they thank me for doing soMH: What a terrible development! Encouraging you will only make you desecrate more works of art.HQ: That's true.  As soon as we finish here, I have to get back to rewriting Hamlet and Othello, my newest work.MH: You, an unknown scribbler, dare to think you can improve on the old masters such as Shakespeare and Wagner?  Such chutzpah!HQ: I think these old stories needed to be updated for modern readers.  In my opinion, I introduce these stories to an entire new generation of readers.MH: I can't stand this anymore.  This interview is over.HQ: I had fun Marcia.  Let's do this again.Author's note (post interview):  Get a copy of Brunnhilde's Quest and see if you agree with Marcia or me.  
http://strangeworldsonline.com/BQ-main.htmlLeave a comment to tell me who you agree with.

Want to review Shakespeare's Worst Nightmare?

I'm in the process of making the final edits to my new novel Falstaff's Big Gamble.  It combines the plots and characters of Shakespeare's Othello and Hamlet and is set in Gundarland (my fantasy world).  I've thrown in Falstaff, the Bard's most popular character, and made a complete hash of everything.  Hamlet is now a dwarf, Othello a dark elf while Falstaff is jolly human rogue. 
As I like to think of it, I've updated Shakespeare for the 21st century reader. 
If you're interested in reviewing my novel, contact me at strangeworldsonline@gmail.com.This novel is appropriate for adult and YA audiences who are interested in fantasy, humor and satire.
Reviewing the novel and posting in on your blog or sending it to me will get you entered into a drawing for great prizes.  Posting on other sites (after it's published) will get you more entires.  These sites include Smashwords, Kindle, Goodreads and Librarything and possibly more.  Each posting will earn additional entries in the drawing.Note: Falstaff's Big Gamble is currently available only in .PDF format.

Falstaff's Big Gamble

Coming soon!  Stay tuned for an announcement about an exciting launch drawing.
This novel is Shakespeare's worst nightmare

Novel Publicity guest blog post

Today, I'm a guest blogger at Novel Publicity and I discuss a dirty little secret I discovered years ago.  If you're a writer, watching day-time TV is good for you.  You can learn a lot for it.  Learn more at:
http://www.novelpublicity.com/2012/01/day-time-television-teaches-us-how-not-to-write-important-lessons-in-characterization-story-telling-and-plotting/

Book Discounts during festival

It's Springtime in Gundarland (it's in a parallel universe) and on the longest day of the year, the Gundarite religion celebrates its most sacred ceremony, the Snotfest.During January, author Hank Quense has reduced the price of the three books written about Gundarland. Tales From Gundarland, Zaftan Entrepreneurs and Zaftan Miscreants are all reduced from $3.49 to $1.49 on Smashwords.  You can download an ebook in the format of your choice.Take advantage of this limited time offer!  Fill up your new e-reader!Go to http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/hanqueOur Gundarland reporter, Sandra Elfenheimer, has filed this report on the Snotfest background.Gundarism believes that the great god Gundar created the universe when he sneezed an explosive sneeze after snorting an overdose of his favorite recreational drug.  The nodules of spittle flew through the nothingness and solidified into the suns, moons, planets and other celestial bodies.The principal Snotfest ceremony takes place in the Cathedral of the Sacred Snot in southern Gundarland.  During the ceremony, the two hundred member Sneezing Chorus performs a number of religious songs and chants. Using individual mixtures of green, red and black ground pepper, each member of the choir can sneeze a single musical note.During the closing rites, every one of the congregation snorts a dash of pepper and the cathedral is filled with the sounds of multifaceted and voluminous sneezing.Doctors and druggists make more money in the month after the Snotfest than they do in the rest of year.  This is due to all the infectious diseases that are spread by the sneezing ritual.

Pfizer wants a government bailout

With the lose of patent protection on Lipitor, Pfizer has announced it will seek bailout funds to make up for the devastating loss of revenue and profits.FNN financial reporter Cash Kruggerand filed this report.Pfizer reports that the loss of patent protection on Lipitor has had a stunning effect on the corporation's bottom line. A press release said in part, "The loss of revenue affects our ability to ability to research and develop new drugs.  Without new drugs in our development pipeline Pfizer will go into a death spiral."  The press release went on to say, "While the economic climate isn't conducive to corporate bailouts, an election year is coming up.  Every seat in the House and a third of the Senate seats are up for election.  This provides us with an opportunity to hire lobbyists and contact politicians.  They'll need money and we need a bailout.  It'll be a win-win for everyone.  Pfizer gets bailout money, politicians get cash that is vital to get reelected and in the years to come the voters have new drugs to help them live longer if they have enough money to buy our new drugs."Pfizer stock rose 10 percent yesterday on news of the bold bailout bid.  A Wall Street analyst put it this way; "This shows that American ingenuity isn't dead.  This is a creative way to make up a serious revenue gap.  This is in the tradition started by the banks and other financial firms a few years ago: use other people's money."Kruggerand points out that Pfizer has allocated 500 million dollars to this project and that greatly exceeds the going rate to buy the vote everyone currently in Congress.  Consequently, there is a good chance Congress will vote to give the bailout funds to the drug companyKruggerand will stay with the story and provide more details about this brazen plan to fleece the public.

Tales From Gundarland Reading Guide

Our Cultural Reporter Marcia Hammerhead filed this report.  She obtained a guide for Reading Groups covering Hank Quense's award-winningTales From Gundarland.  The guide was prepared by the  Thieves Guild Reading Circle using stolen copies of the bookReading Group Guide:1: Do you think Romeo really loved Juliet or did he woo her to simply piss off her brothers? Find material in the story to support your position.2: Do you think Rolf and Ralf are sissies because they worry about what Ma thinks?3: Why are heros like Zarro and The Lone Stranger so inept?  Do you think it is a result of their[image error] upbringing? Or are they simply the wrong stuff?4: Do you think the princesses will eventually seduce Knuben?  Who will win their contest?  Why will she win?  Will she be happy she won?5: Why does Maestro Andante only use three kazoos in his band?  Would more kazoos have effected the outcome?  Would five kazoos make a more mellow sound?  Defend your answer?6: Did Duchess Stilken cheat on her husband with General MacDwarfen before the husband's death?  Cite evidence to support your opinion.7: How many passive sentences did I use in the book?  List them.8: In Merchant of Venison, can you add any 'D' words to the court scene?9: In Rescuing Princesses, why didn't Burga throw the recalcitrant princess, over his shoulder and rescue her anyway?  Explain this lack of dedication to the rescue.  Does this indicate a possibly fatal flaw in Burga's psyche?10: How can the stories in this collection be used to foster galactic peace? Explain in twenty-five words of less.

Iphone thievery

I saw this on the news the other night: there is a new crime wave in NYC.  Thieves are ripping iPhones out of the hands of folks who are using them on the street.  The thief then runs and away and disappeared in the crowds. This has reached epidemic proportions.

One such thief snatched a phone out of someone's hand, noticed it was a Blackberry and handed it back.

I'm sure this incident won't be reported in the Research in Motion annual report.

Faux News Network: Interview with Gongeblazn

Faux News Network has attained exclusive rights to interview Gongeblazn, the antagonist of Zaftan Miscreants, a novel by the unknown (for good reasons) author Hank Quense.  Gongeblazn is an alien of the zaftan persuasion.  FNN uses a new technology called Wormhole Connectivity to communicate with Zaftan 31B, the alien home world which is in a parallel world.Here is our cultural reporter Marcia Hammerhead.Ms Hammerhead: Tell us about your backgroundG.  My nest mother and father were both highly respected for their skills.  My father was the most famous and accomplished assassin in our home world.  Top politicians and corporate leaders vied for his services and paid huge amounts of money to have daddy blow someone up.  He was so successful, he got the nickname, Widow Maker.  Unfortunately, a gang of those widows trapped him in an alley and cut him to pieces with kitchen knives.  My Ma was equally famous as a poisoner.  A gallon of her special tea could wipe out an entire party.  In her dotage, she accidentally flavored her meal with the poison.  I chose to take a different career path and joined the navy, although I do use the skills my daddy taught me.Ms Hammerhead: Mr. Gongeblazn, tell us about your role in the novel.G: What does mister mean? Is it some sort of subtle insult?  If so, I will demand satisfaction.Ms Hammerhead:  It is no insult, it's a term of honor.G. I accept your explanation.  My role is misunderstood.  I'm considered to be a villain, but the reality is that I'm a hero and a patriot who defended the home word against vicious enemies, despicable allies and other low-lifers.Ms Hammerhead: How can you be a hero and a patriot when you lost two fleets of ships and turned to piracy at the end?G Obviously, you have been subjected to propaganda from my enemies.  They will go to any lengths to blacken my reputation.Ms Hammerhead: How can they blacken your reputation?  You've murdered any number of you peers and superiors as well as betrayed others.G: Of which I'm justly proud.  Assassination and treachery are the hallmarks of a superior Zaftan.  The fact that I'm still alive shows my superiority over those who are dead.  Especially the ones I murdered.Ms Hammerhead: At the end of the novel, you are captured and will be tried for piracy and face the death penalty, this ending your career.G: Not necessarily. I'm negotiating with the author to let me escape from prison and take a roll in the next book, so I may be back.  I'm also entertaining offers for my life history and a producer is exploring a musical version of Zaftan Miscreants with me playing myself.Ms Hammerhead: Thank you for the interview.  FNN will be interviewing more of author Hank Quense's characters.  Look for these reports.

Trump Energizes the Republican Party

This is an exclusive Faux News Network report.
The Republican Party has hit a wall.  With Cain gone, Perry getting ignored and Bachman missing, the fun has gone out of reading about the candidates or watching them on TV.  Gingrich and Romney are boring.  Donald Trump recognized the problem and inserted himself into the middle of the campaign by agreeing to moderate a debate.  Trump has provided a missing ingredient in the campaign; fun.  Trump can make the candidates more ridiculous and irrelevant than they can ever do by themselves.
With his stunning announcement about moderating a Republican debate Trump has sent shock waves through the ranks of the voters.  FNN political reporter Stacy Conundrum traveled the streets and interviewed voters to get their opinions on this situation.
Stacy (in New York City) What do think about the Donald Trump debate?Voter 1: Great stuff.  The Republican debates have become dull.  Some of the candidates have stopped talking off the cuff because they're afraid of saying something stupid.  Again.  Once they get on the stage with Trump, there's no telling what kind of silly stuff will happen. This could be the death of the Republican Party.  
Stacy (in Iowa) What do your think about the Donald Trump debate?voter 2: You sound like you're from New York or some sinful place like that. Get off my lawn before I call the cops,
Stacy: (in Kansas) What do you think about the Donald Trump debate?Voter 3: Trump has a debate?  Did they finally cancel his awful show?  That's good news.  But if this new show is like the old one, why bother watching?
Stacey: (In Seattle) What do you think about the Donald Trump Debate?Voter 4: Trump?  Who the hell is Trump?  Am I supposed to know who the guy is?  I got stuff to do.  Get out of my face.
Stacy.  My travels will continue and I'll file more reports later.