Ariane Sherine's Blog, page 15

Having A Giraffe

What the hell have you been up to?
Oh, you know. Wiping up my toddler's puke, trying to catch some sleep here and there, and shaking my head in amazement at the furore over a giraffe.

Are you talking about beautiful Marius, the giraffe killed by Copenhagen Zoo for having the 'wrong' genes?
That's the one.

You monster! Call yourself ethical. Why didn't you feel sadness with the rest of us when you heard the news?
I did. My problem is that most of the people who felt sadness will feel no sadness about their next meal of dead cow or pig or sheep.

But it's a giraffe! A majestic, intelligent and cuddly beast of the wild with a name, not a grunting farm animal bred for food.
They both would have suffered and felt pain and fear when killed.

But at least there was a point to the deaths of the cow and pig and sheep. They provided food.
No one in the Western world would go hungry if meat wasn't available, so deaths for food are utterly senseless and barbaric. The fact is, people are sad because the giraffe was cute-looking. It's not ethical to place value on animals according to how adorable or not you think they are.

What are you going to do, police people's minds?
No, silly. I'm going to encourage people to go vegan. If everyone went vegan, no animals would be killed senselessly. In addition, there would be enough food in the world for everyone.

Here we go, the vegan schmegan stuff. I'm surprised you have the energy to type. Haven't you got anything less depressing to say? 
Er... well, I'm working on an exciting new project with my best friend Graham, so I won't be around here for a while.

Is it about being vegan?
No.

Thank God for that. Right, time for my steak dinner.

To read a short book of Q&As, visit givebook.co.uk

The DoNation

Who the hell's that?
Stop being so rude! That is Harriet Rockliff, Operations Manager at The DoNation.

The Donation? Sheesh, are you asking me to give money again?
No. The DoNation is an environmental initiative that asks you to change your actions, not donate cash.

What kind of actions? Y-M-C-A? Semaphore? Mexican waves?
No, silly. Look at this chart full of simple actions, and choose the ones that suit you best.

Can't I do the Macarena instead?
No, but you can eat macaroni cheese ('Veg Out') or, if you want to move your body, take the stairs instead of the lift ('Step Up'). Did you know that a 15-second lift journey uses as much energy as a 60W light bulb does in an hour?

Yawn. Fascinating. Going veggie and running up the stairs aren't particularly manly challenges though, are they?
Fine, if you want manly, you can do the Brutal 10K, a 10km run across marshes, gravel, hills, grass and mud - and encourage your friends to sponsor you by pledging to take simple environmental actions such as the ones above.

That sounds more like it. How do I sign up?
Just click this link. And then when you pass the finish line, you can do the Macarena.

Follow Harriet on Twitter: http://twitter.com/Harriet_RockFollow The Donation on Twitter: http://twitter.com/The_Donation

Liv Well

What the hell have you been doing?
Oh, you know. Getting every cold my toddler catches, being a walking festering embodiment of the word 'phlegm', that kind of thing.

Nice. What else have you been up to?
Snuggling down in these cosy knitwear items from ethical clothing retailer Liv.




Are you channelling Britney circa 1999?
What, you mean the socks? Well, I -

Think you're a bit of a MILF, do you?
No, I just -

Is that a becoming outfit for a woman of 33?
Yes! Yes, it is.

Hmmph. That's debatable. Anyhow, why are these clothes so "ethical"? 
They're Fair Trade and from sustainable sources. You can read the stories here to find out more about them.

www.liv.co.uk

Writing, Crap Telly and Proper Jobs

Where the hell have you been?
I've been writing. I wrote this piece on atheists, and this article for the Family section of Saturday's Guardian. And I've also uploaded some more eBay charity listings.

So you've just been sitting on your arse, have you?
Sort of. But I've also been looking after Lily, and going to see Zarepha.

What, so you have an excuse to watch crap telly?
Crap telly is quite fun. This week we watched All Star Mr and Mrs, on ITV1. Gary Lineker looked a bit embarrassed when his wife described his favourite band, Coldplay, as "depressing weirdo music".

How was Zarepha?
Not in a good way. She had a bad cold. I took her some flowers though, and she said "I love flowers". I think they can make all the difference in bleak January.

Been doing anything else? The rest of us have proper jobs, you know.
I'd quite like a proper job, but would have to earn enough to cover childcare, and it's tricky getting a proper job when you've never really had one. People need to know that you're going to stick around. So I guess I'll keep freelancing until someone is willing to take a chance on a single mum with a sporadic employment history.

Maybe you could get a job making crap telly?
I think I'd enjoy that.

Zarepha

Who is that?
That's my elderly lady, Zarepha. I went to see her today.

More ITV1, then?
Yes. First we watched Secrets of the Workhouses, which was interesting and very sad. Then we watched a great quiz show called Tipping Point.

Question: why do old people watch so much telly?
It stops them feeling so lonely if there's another voice there. It's also entertaining. When you've had five strokes, three heart bypasses and can't walk easily, there's not much you can do except watch TV.

That's a bit depressing.
It's funny you should say that. I was actually feeling pretty depressed until I went to see her today, and it really cheered me up.

What the hell have you got to be depressed about?
Oh, you know. The bleak weather, being in debt, and the 50:50 childcare arrangement I sadly have which means I miss my toddler half the time.

And she made you feel better?
She really did, yes. I showed her some photos of Lily and my friend Nicky:



... and she said to me "You are rich." I realised that, even though I'm in debt and finding that scary, it's the people I love who are important, not my bank balance. And Zarepha is fast becoming one of them.

New Year's Resolutions

Wait... I thought you didn't make new year's resolutions? What about this? 
That was four years ago. I've revised my opinion a little since then.

What are your resolutions then? Save the world singlehandedly?
I wish. My main resolution is to get out of debt while still trying to live ethically.

Are the two mutually exclusive?
Often, yes. It's harder to shop in independent stores if you're skint. Being vegan is more costly, too.

Eh? Houmous doesn't cost that much, surely?
We don't only eat houmous! If I want, say, a chocolate bar, it costs over twice as much as a non-vegan chocolate bar.

You must be more eco-friendly though, if you can't afford heating?
In a way, yes. But say I want to buy some recycled toilet roll: the nearest shop that stocks it is over a mile away, so unfortunately I often end up buying unrecycled rather than taking the bus.

Sacre bleu! Mon dieu! Ooh la la! How can you live with yourself?
With difficulty. Happy New Year to you anyhow.

Thank you. My new year's resolution is to seduce as many women as possible.
Just buy them all a vegan chocolate bar. They'll be putty in your hands.

Jingle Bell Rock

What the hell have you been doing?Playing and singing songs to homeless people at a Crisis centre in South-East London. 
Did they enjoy it?I think so. They didn't heckle, at any rate. A few people joined in, which was lovely. And I was lucky enough to have two talented percussionists who accompanied me on bongos and tambourine.
Can you even sing? I bet you sound like a strangled cat underwater.That's subjective, but I like singing, and am always glad to get back to it. I haven't done any singing since this in 2010:





Did you play that last night?Er, no. It would have confused everyone. I only played Christmas songs, like We Wish You a Merry Christmas, Jingle Bell Rock and Winter Wonderland.
Any carols?I did a jazzy version of O Little Town of Bethlehem.
You big hypocrite! You're an atheist!I'd venture that most people singing carols in Britain are de facto atheists. To me, they're just nice melodic songs.
So who are this Crisis outfit then?They're an amazing charity who care for homeless people in the UK. At the centres, as well as having a safe warm place to sleep at the coldest, darkest, loneliest time of the year, the guests can access services such as a dentist, optician and tuberculosis screening. There are also films and activities, hot meals three times a day, and entertainment, such as live musicians.
Any more gigs planned?Two more, on the 28th and 29th.
Can I come?Not really.
Didn't want to anyway. You sound like Shane MacGowan after a heavy bender.Merry Christmas to you too!

Crisis at Christmas

Where the hell have you been?
Meing ihh. Atishoo!

What?
Sorry: being ill.

What kind of "ill"?
Sore throat, vomiting, diarrho -

TMI! Jesus. Have you been doing nothing useful?
Er... well, I did go to the Crisis event briefing on Sunday, but then I ran out of it to puke in the toilet.

Sounds like a crisis event to me.
No, Crisis, the homelessness charity. I'm going to be playing guitar and singing at their centres over Christmas.

What are you going to be playing? It better not be "Baby, It's Cold Outside".
I've chosen the songs carefully. Mainly jazzed up Christmas carols and the odd Christmas song.

Christmas carols? You're an atheist! You hypocrite.
I'll still sing "All I Want for Christmas Is You" when there is no "you".

Of course there's a me. You're just confusing me now.

To donate to the Crisis at Christmas Appeal, visit www.crisis.org.uk.

Life's a Beach

What the hell have you been doing?
Administrating all my eBay charity auctions.

The glamour! What does that involve?
Emailing people to arrange their collections and pick-ups, mainly.

Phwoarr! Who have you met lately?
A lovely bloke called Daniel, who came to pick up both storage cubes and gave me twice the amount he should have, because he wanted to support Médecins Sans Frontières. And a nice woman who came to pick up my hair straighteners.





They're not your hair straighteners any more.
Very true. It was slightly embarrassing because I started to explain to her how to use them, and she interrupted with "I used to work for Amika" [the people who had manufactured the hair straighteners].

Oops. So how are the auctions going so far?
With the first seven items, I've raised over £250 for MSF. Along with the other 93 lots (50% of my possessions), I'm aiming to raise over £3,000 in total.

You could have a nice Caribbean holiday for that.
Yeah, but who needs sunshine when you live in the UK?

Astronauts, Moustaches and Lie Detector Tests

What the hell have you been doing?
Watching Jeremy Kyle and Lorraine Kelly.

Ah, my two favourite people. But you write for the Guardian. Aren't you meant to be reading Plato and Sartre?
Of course, it's written in the contributor contract. But anyhow, this morning the elderly lady I look after wanted to watch ITV, so I held her hand and we watched couples fight and take lie detector tests.

You just watched telly? That doesn't sound like much of an effort.
Getting up at 7.30am to take a walk in the cold was a bit of an effort. The watching telly bit wasn't.

Did you enjoy it?
It was surprisingly entertaining. I think I've always been a bit sniffy about ITV. It's still not my favourite channel, but I learnt about fascinating videos an astronaut has made, among other things.

Was the astronaut taking a lie detector test in space? I'd pay to watch that.
No, he was being interviewed by Lorraine Kelly. He had an impressive moustache, which may or may not have been a hangover from Movember.





Ah yes, Movember. Did you write this ludicrous piece under a slightly different name?
You're not the first person to ask me that. But no. I might read the astronaut's book, once I've waded through all the Plato and Sartre.

In your own book, I say Jeremy Kyle is evil. I'm right, aren't I?
No. He's not my favourite person by a long stretch, and I don't like what he does, but he's playing a character. He's probably softly-spoken and mild-mannered in real life. Anyhow, I couldn't exactly have wrested the remote control off my older person.

You totally could have. Would you read Jeremy Kyle's book?
It's not top of my reading list, if I'm honest.

So are you going to just watch telly with your old lady?
Maybe when she feels better we'll go for a walk. But I'm okay with just providing company. It makes me feel warm and happy. And to be fair, Lorraine Kelly is probably more entertaining than I am.

To volunteer to help an older person with Age UK, click here.