Ariane Sherine's Blog, page 10

Dandelion clocks and the test card

I spent most of my weekend going through the proofs for my new book, and am so pleased with it. They've used a stunningly beautiful font for most of the text. Sadly there's no cover for the book yet, so I can't exhort you all to buy it, but am hoping we'll have one soon.


I was trying to find an image to denote a placeholder, and came up with this. If you're British and of a certain age, you probably remember it. I spent part of my childhood staring at it! It's both slightly creepy and deeply nostalgic. When people say that I'm technically a millennial, I don't believe them, because I don't think most millennials know what the test card is.

Which reminds me: I'm 37, and the last time I had a book out, I was 29. To put this into perspective: the last time I had a book published, I wasn't pregnant, and now I have a seven-year-old daughter! If that's not a stark illustration of the passing of time, I'm not sure what is. But the seven-year-old is the best thing about my life, so being older doesn’t matter to me at all.

A fun weekend

John Bon Jovial sent me this photo of my lovely girl after dance class. We're having a fun weekend - it's so good to spend time with her! Last night we watched Despicable Me 2. I hadn't seen the first film, but it didn't matter - it was hilarious and quite poignant. Kids' films are so good these days, with added subtext for the adults. 
Now she's playing on her iPad and I'm proofreading my book (and blogging, of course). Unfortunately we have no heating or hot water, so I just had what turned out to be a cold shower. Brrrrr! But I've worked out how to fix the boiler now with help from my very kind ex-husband.
I am having a little trouble getting divorced. First I sent the papers to the wrong place (it wasn't clear), then - when I sent them to the right place - they sent them back to me saying I hadn't been married for over a year yet! The date on them was exactly a year. So I changed the date and posted them off for a third time yesterday. Third time lucky...
This week promises to be fun. I have a friend's birthday party, a work lunch and lots of writing and studying to do (Photoshop and Premiere Pro, mainly). If only the weather were going to be nice - but you can't have everything, right?

The wonders of Twitter

Back in the day, celebrities were completely unreachable, as was virtually anyone. You couldn't get in touch with people by email - you had to send them a letter and hope they wrote back.

These days, thanks to Twitter, you can tweet anyone you like, and often you'll get a reply. The other day, I tweeted about Marmite, and the official Marmite Twitter account followed me!

I'm slightly in love with the Adobe Creative Cloud tutorials of a guy called Terry White. He makes Photoshop, InDesign and all the other programs I'm learning for work seem easy rather than daunting. He has a very friendly and easy-to-follow style of teaching - he doesn't go too fast and shows you exactly what he's doing to achieve amazing things.

So yesterday I decided to follow Terry on Twitter (@terrylwhite) and tweet him to let him know how much I enjoy his tutorials. He has over 51,000 followers, so I'm clearly not alone in loving his style.

I wrote:


He replied less than two hours later, and followed me back:


Then I showed him how he'd helped me:


And he replied:


So cool!

If you want to learn Adobe programs from the best, here are Terry's tutorials. Enjoy.

An encounter with a tiresome man

Dear lovely people of the internet,

Yesterday I had an encounter with an incredibly tiresome man. Luckily, the encounter was online, so I could block him. It is rather more difficult to block someone in real life, unless you're Donald Trump and can build a wall, and thankfully I'm not.

Anyhow: yesterday I wrote what was a lighthearted blog post about being happy in the face of adversity, rather than waiting for your life to be perfect before you can be happy. It was, I thought, the very opposite of negative.

But no! Mr Mansplainer (for that is what I shall call him) decided to post on my Facebook wall to shatter that naive view. He began inauspiciously:

"I hope you don't take this the wrong way but you do seem to be very self absorbed."

Oh gosh, why would ANYONE take that the wrong way?! The fact that I write a personal blog seems to have eluded him. Does he email newspaper op-ed columnists with the same wise observation? (He probably does, sadly.)

He continues:

"People only find happiness (whatever that is) through things that are meaningful in their lives."

Not really. Hot sex, delicious food, great interior design and sunshine all make me very happy. I'm not sure any of those things are particularly meaningful.

He went on, over a series of boorish posts: "Your blog tends to focus very much on the negative in your life and I suppose I'm curious as to why that is."

Well, Mr Mansplainer: a. It doesn't generally, and b. If it does slightly at the moment, it might just be because I'm getting divorced from my best friend of 21 years. 

(The authors of one study found that "nearly 60% of people who divorced during the study and who had previously experienced depression reported another depressive episode after their split". I'm lucky to be in the 40%, so far at least.)

I sent Mr Mansplainer a link to a post I wrote a couple of weeks ago called Reasons to be Happy, which listed several reasons why I'm cheerful. He replied:

"Is that it? One example? It’s clear in your writing style that your default position is one of negativity."

Ironically, at this point he was making me feel incredibly depressed, so I blocked him, dear reader.

He was - and almost certainly still is - an ignoramus, a bell-end and a tool. 

But hey, at least I got another blog post out of it. 

Being happy now

Last night, in therapy, we talked about loving life despite it not being perfect. How it’s essential not to say ‘I’ll be happy when this divorce is through’, or ‘I’ll be happy when I’m slim again’. 

Putting happiness off until a certain point means you’ll never be happy, because there will always be problems. Saying ‘I’m happy even though I’m imperfect and life is imperfect’ is so important.

Yes, there are things I would change about my life if I could, but working towards those changes and not making my happiness conditional upon them is essential.

Because, although my divorce will probably come through, I might never reach my goal weight. I might never be rich or famous, or reach any of the other goals I’ve been socially conditioned to think are important! So postponing happiness doesn’t work.

One of my favourite self-help authors once drew a picture of a gravestone saying ‘Here lies someone who was going to be happy tomorrow’. It’s a powerful image, because we are all going to die one day, though we don't like thinking about it.

I would prefer to end life, in around 80 years(!), hopefully thinking 'I was happy and got the most out of life', rather than 'I was waiting for stuff to happen that didn't'.

So today, I'm sitting at my desk at our lovely office in Shoreditch, drinking an iced coffee and enjoying the sunshine filtering through the windows. I get to write and create for a living with fun people, as I've always dreamed of doing.

At lunchtime, I might wander down to Pret for my favourite artichoke, tapenade and olive baguette. Right now, I'm about to eat a 'sunshine bowl' of granola and mango, also from Pret. I got to work early, at 8.30am, and I like the quiet moments before everyone gets in, when I can relax.

And even though I'm a size 16 and my job as I know it is drawing to a close, it feels as though happiness is possible.

Why I can't wait for Friday

I've been apart from my daughter for ten days, and won't see her until Friday. I'm almost physically aching from the separation. No mother should be apart from their seven-year-old for this long, but that's the way it works out sometimes with my shared residency arrangement.

I speak to her on the phone every day, send her postcards telling her I love her, and gaze at photos of her, but it's no substitute for holding her in my arms.

Here are some of my favourite photos I've taken of her. I have most of these up in my house.

I can't wait until she comes home.

Tricky questions

Four years ago, the BBC asked me to come up with a series of tricky questions for a comedy show. I think they'll have used them by now, so here they are, along with my answers now I'm older and wiser...


What would Sarah Vine say? Also, I'm not sure I'd want to learn the truth about everything in the world. I think it would freak me out.


Hmm... if they were my ideal partner, I think I'd have to tell them.


Hell no! Some things are more important than money. Like happiness.


I don't think circuses really have freak shows any more.


I added 'the tattoo will be very expensive and painful to remove'. But no: I'd meet someone I fancied more who would hopefully be understanding about my huge ink-based error of judgement.

(By the way, it's surprisingly hard to come up with tricky questions!)

Why America is awesome (and also not so awesome)

America is quite possibly the greatest country in the world. Here's what I love about it:

- The weather is incredible. OK, maybe not in New York or Alaska, but in Las Vegas and LA it's amazing. You just feel so much happier when the sky's a deep cloudless blue and the sun makes everything look beautiful. I genuinely think people in the UK would be happier if the weather were like it is in America. Which brings me to...

- The people: they're friendlier Stateside. They actually want to talk to you. Yes, some of it might be motivated by wanting tips, but I'm sure a lot of people in the UK want tips too, and they're still grunty and miserable. When I got married in Vegas, dozens of strangers congratulated us in the street. I can't imagine that happening in the UK. People would just stare.

- People are also more upbeat and cheery. Whereas in Britain, if you ask someone 'How are you?' they'll reply in the negative, saying 'Not bad' or 'Can't complain, mustn't  grumble', an American is likely to say 'Awesome!' This optimism is infectious, and being around it made me happy.

- There's no class system. Anyone can go from poor to Oprah and no one will be sniffy about it and use the term 'nouveau riche', like snobs do in the UK. The American dream may be unattainable for most, but it gives a lot of people hope. Social mobility just feels more possible over there. It's called the land of opportunity for a reason.

- The food is delicious. I didn't have one duff meal while I was over there, and there were scores and scores of vegan restaurants everywhere we went (though not one called Viva Las Vegan, strangely, so they missed a trick. Maybe I should open one?) And the portions, though not as big as I'd been led to believe, are certainly on the generous side.

- If the US had a slogan, it might be America: We Do It Better. In pretty much every category, including films, hip-hop, pop music, novels, sport... you name it, America is the world leader, or at least up there with the best. Most of the music on my Spotify playlists is American, as are most of my favourite movies, and a lot of the architecture and interior design photos I have are from the States. It makes me proud to be American.

- Americans are cool. Just compare US rap to British rap and you'll see what I mean.

And here's the stuff I don't like:

- Its history. It's horrific pretty much all the way back. I know you can't blame people for the actions of their ancestors (my ancestors too) but it's kind of miserable to think that the country was built off the backs of enslaved, marginalised and disenfranchised people. And when you see white policemen shooting black people, you kind of think things haven't changed that much, sadly.

- Gun crime. OK, so I didn't see anyone shoot anyone, and most of the time I didn't think about guns (except at the airports, which always have guards carrying them) but a mass US shooting makes the international news almost every month and makes me shudder. It's the kind of thing I'd find difficult about living there - it's scary to think you could get in an argument with someone and they could pull a gun on you.

- Healthcare. Lack of health insurance is literally killing people, and this shouldn't be the case in the most advanced nation on the planet. My brother's girlfriend says she spends a third of her SALARY  on health insurance, which is just insane compared to my £12 a month on drugs on the NHS. Also: I can't go and live over there right now, because my three psychotropic drugs will cost thousands a year.

- Its lack of care for the environment. I'm not sure I saw a recycling bin the whole time I was there.

- It's extremely expensive, though houses are a lot cheaper, so maybe it evens out.

- The current administration. I know it's a relatively temporary thing, but it's off-putting.

- Its lack of employment rights.

I could go on and on about the pluses and minuses of America, but I do love it, and I'd really like to live there someday - if they sort out some of the above. I guess we'll see.

La La Land

After Vegas, we honeymooned in Los Angeles. I had been expecting blissfully blue Californian skies, so was disappointed by the rain and cold. It was the start of May, and locals called the downturn in the weather the 'June gloom'. I hadn't really brought any warm clothes, thinking it would be hot the whole time, so lived in one thin jumper for a few days.

It brightened up, though, and we found an amazing vegan restaurant called Doomie's. It was like McDonald's for vegans, and did the best 'bacon and cheese fries'. I swear that, in a taste test, you couldn't tell they weren't smothered in real bacon and cheese - to the extent that I became quite suspicious of them!

The best day was when we went to Santa Monica Beach. It was sunny and beautiful, the sea was calm and deep blue, and there was a middle-aged bald busker called Dancing Dave doing the most terrible singing and dancing on the pier to Britney Spears songs. It was so bad it was good. I got some pretty coasters to remind me of America, and soaked up the sun, and wished I lived in the States.

Aside from Santa Monica, Doomie's and another vegan restaurant (Veggie Grill) were the high points of our stay, and the reason I was 10lbs heavier when I returned to London. Our iconic hotel, the Hollywood Roosevelt, was a bit of a disappointment: old and faded film star glamour compared to the glitzy glamour of the Aria in Las Vegas.

But the strangest thing for me was the vibe of LA: it just felt full of loneliness, sadness and desperation. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it wasn't thriving and vibrant and colourful like London is. There weren't as many people, the locals weren't as friendly and upbeat as they had been in Vegas, and the whole glamorous Hollywood dream felt like a bit of a mirage.




I mean, I'm sure that for a few thousand people, it's the most wonderful place in the world - but it just seemed that so many others were struggling, waiting tables and sighing. And again, like Vegas, it was super-expensive. We met some lovely friends out there, and they all really enjoy living there - but I won't be going back in a hurry.

Viva Las Vegas

A year ago today, I had just left Las Vegas, and I've been pining for it ever since. It's just the most incredible, unreal place - so intense and hedonistic, like sensory overload. The sky is so amazingly blue, the sun shines all day, the cityscape lit up at night is like a poster, the hotels are so decadent that they knock them down every ten years and rebuild them... it's obscenely opulent. I'd never seen anything like it.

I remember that on our second day there, we took a tour bus through the city. We sat on the top deck, drinking ice cold Diet Pepsi, and the tour guide quipped that we were the 'Diet Pepsi twins' and joked, 'Say hello to the Queen for me, but tell her to change her hairstyle! She's had this one for ages.' The brilliant sun blazed down, but because Vegas is near the desert, it was a dry heat and therefore it didn't feel so hot. I sat there, taking in the scenery, and thought: this is happiness.

I'd spent all my life in London, where Victorian houses are juxtaposed with council estates, where you have a prestigious square next to graffiti, where everything is dirty and grimy and the streets are paved with chewing gum. Las Vegas was so new, so shiny and big and overblown. Their observation wheel, the High Roller, is the tallest Ferris wheel in the world, over 150 feet higher than the London Eye (which used to be the tallest). The buildings are taller too, the cars are bigger, and everything's more expensive. It's insane.

When I left, I thought "I want to live here someday". Five months later, the Vegas shooting happened, the deadliest mass shooting in US history, which took place at a hotel we'd visited and taken pictures of. I remembered that the US has a huge gun problem, and a healthcare problem, and an administration problem. And I shuddered to think that the shooting could have taken place while we were there.

But I live in hope that before the end of my lifetime, these problems will be solved. America is a great country - I think it's the greatest in the world, though I hold a US passport, so may be biased - and in a further 30 years, it could take some great leaps forward ideologically. Just look how much has changed in the world since 1988. So maybe, just maybe, I could retire there and feel that glorious sunshine on top of a tour bus once again.