Ariane Sherine's Blog, page 12
April 24, 2018
Why I overshare
Did you ever hear the quote: "The creative adult is the child who survived"?
I don't have any tattoos, but if I ever get one, it might be that.
In the past few months, three people have pulled me up for oversharing. The way I live my life in public makes them feel uncomfortable. I've had a think about why I do this, and have come up with three possible reasons.
First, because I didn't get listened to as a child. I had a violent father who I was too frightened to confide in, especially as he was the source of most of my problems. My mother was incredibly repressed and constantly busy, looking after my little brother, doing the housework and studying. If I ever told her anything, she would either say "Mm-hm" distractedly, or shut me down. She just didn't want to know, especially as she was busy pretending my father's abuse was normal.
My brother and were incredibly different and fought all the time, and never shared any of our innermost thoughts with each other. The kids at school bullied me throughout, and didn't want to listen to anything I had to say.
My mother, father and brother were all very quiet, very closed people. I don't know what I would have been like with a normal childhood - I'll never know - but I spent the whole of my childhood bursting with the secret of my father's physical and emotional abuse. I thought I couldn't tell anyone, otherwise he'd quite literally kill me. And I didn't think anyone would want to know, anyhow. So when I reached my teens and discovered that I could write everything down, it was a tremendous release and wonderfully cathartic.
Second, I wasn't properly socialised. Because my family was so abusive and dysfunctional, I didn't know what was normal. I did all manner of strange things at school, which led to the kids hating me and thinking I was freakish. I eventually outgrew most of these behaviours, except for the over-sharing.
Third, maybe it's the way I would have always been, irrespective of my family problems? I'll never know, but what I do know is that if people don't like it, they can unfollow me, mute me or block me. Other people do like me sharing stuff that other writers don't - it makes them feel less alone to know that someone else has gone through hell and survived.
And hey, all my drama saves you from watching EastEnders.
I don't have any tattoos, but if I ever get one, it might be that.
In the past few months, three people have pulled me up for oversharing. The way I live my life in public makes them feel uncomfortable. I've had a think about why I do this, and have come up with three possible reasons.
First, because I didn't get listened to as a child. I had a violent father who I was too frightened to confide in, especially as he was the source of most of my problems. My mother was incredibly repressed and constantly busy, looking after my little brother, doing the housework and studying. If I ever told her anything, she would either say "Mm-hm" distractedly, or shut me down. She just didn't want to know, especially as she was busy pretending my father's abuse was normal.
My brother and were incredibly different and fought all the time, and never shared any of our innermost thoughts with each other. The kids at school bullied me throughout, and didn't want to listen to anything I had to say.
My mother, father and brother were all very quiet, very closed people. I don't know what I would have been like with a normal childhood - I'll never know - but I spent the whole of my childhood bursting with the secret of my father's physical and emotional abuse. I thought I couldn't tell anyone, otherwise he'd quite literally kill me. And I didn't think anyone would want to know, anyhow. So when I reached my teens and discovered that I could write everything down, it was a tremendous release and wonderfully cathartic.
Second, I wasn't properly socialised. Because my family was so abusive and dysfunctional, I didn't know what was normal. I did all manner of strange things at school, which led to the kids hating me and thinking I was freakish. I eventually outgrew most of these behaviours, except for the over-sharing.
Third, maybe it's the way I would have always been, irrespective of my family problems? I'll never know, but what I do know is that if people don't like it, they can unfollow me, mute me or block me. Other people do like me sharing stuff that other writers don't - it makes them feel less alone to know that someone else has gone through hell and survived.
And hey, all my drama saves you from watching EastEnders.
April 23, 2018
A happy realisation
Another beautiful morning here in London, and I’m typing this while standing on the Tube, listening to a Spotify playlist called Perfect Days. It’s full of songs about relationships, and I’m suddenly realising that, for the first time, I feel pretty much fine about my marriage breakdown.
It wasn't meant to be; we were too different. The only thing I regret is hurting him - that doesn’t make me feel great about myself. But some hurt and arguments are inevitable in any marriage, sadly, and we both did things wrong. I don’t know if we’ll be able to salvage a friendship, which is a shame after 21 years - we aren’t talking at the moment.
But at the same time, I feel kind of liberated. There are lots of kind, supportive people in my life, but for the first time in a long time, there’s no one I have to talk to or spend time with. It’s always a choice, which is something you don’t have in a marriage.
So I’ll be filing for divorce a week today, and it feels like it’ll be the start of a fresh exciting new life.
It wasn't meant to be; we were too different. The only thing I regret is hurting him - that doesn’t make me feel great about myself. But some hurt and arguments are inevitable in any marriage, sadly, and we both did things wrong. I don’t know if we’ll be able to salvage a friendship, which is a shame after 21 years - we aren’t talking at the moment.
But at the same time, I feel kind of liberated. There are lots of kind, supportive people in my life, but for the first time in a long time, there’s no one I have to talk to or spend time with. It’s always a choice, which is something you don’t have in a marriage.
So I’ll be filing for divorce a week today, and it feels like it’ll be the start of a fresh exciting new life.
A Happy Realisation
Another beautiful morning here in London, and I’m typing this while standing on the Tube, listening to a Spotify playlist called Perfect Days. It’s full of songs about relationships, and I’m suddenly realising that, for the first time, I feel pretty much fine about my marriage breakdown.
It wasn't meant to be; we were too different. The only thing I regret is hurting him - that doesn’t make me feel great about myself. But some hurt and arguments are inevitable in any marriage, sadly, and we both did things wrong. I don’t know if we’ll be able to salvage a friendship, which is a shame after 21 years - we aren’t talking at the moment.
But at the same time, I feel kind of liberated. There are lots of kind, supportive people in my life, but for the first time in a long time, there’s no one I have to talk to or spend time with. It’s always a choice, which is something you don’t have in a marriage.
So I’ll be filing for divorce a week today, and it feels like it’ll be the start of a fresh exciting new life.
It wasn't meant to be; we were too different. The only thing I regret is hurting him - that doesn’t make me feel great about myself. But some hurt and arguments are inevitable in any marriage, sadly, and we both did things wrong. I don’t know if we’ll be able to salvage a friendship, which is a shame after 21 years - we aren’t talking at the moment.
But at the same time, I feel kind of liberated. There are lots of kind, supportive people in my life, but for the first time in a long time, there’s no one I have to talk to or spend time with. It’s always a choice, which is something you don’t have in a marriage.
So I’ll be filing for divorce a week today, and it feels like it’ll be the start of a fresh exciting new life.
April 22, 2018
After-party exhaustion
It's the day after the big birthday party, and I'm absolutely wrecked. Lily wanted to get up at the crack of dawn to play Scrabble. I know I should encourage this, so I made it downstairs and played a game with her (she cheated egregiously!) but now I'm upstairs again lying in bed.
Kids' parties are noisy and full of excitement and emotion. It was wonderful seeing Lily enjoying herself with her friends - the best thing in the world - but after the massive tidy-up all on my own, I just want to sleep for a few days. This isn't going to happen, because my life is too busy - I've got to take her shopping to the Disney Store, drop her at her dad's, read my new novel for a meeting with my agent tomorrow, work out how to use Adobe Premiere Pro for work, mop the kitchen floor, put some laundry through and (most glamorously of all) put the bins out.
Life is hectic, and I love it, but I think I need a can of Red Bull. Anyhow, here's a picture of my beautiful little monkey opening her new toy monkey. Takes one to know one.
Kids' parties are noisy and full of excitement and emotion. It was wonderful seeing Lily enjoying herself with her friends - the best thing in the world - but after the massive tidy-up all on my own, I just want to sleep for a few days. This isn't going to happen, because my life is too busy - I've got to take her shopping to the Disney Store, drop her at her dad's, read my new novel for a meeting with my agent tomorrow, work out how to use Adobe Premiere Pro for work, mop the kitchen floor, put some laundry through and (most glamorously of all) put the bins out.
Life is hectic, and I love it, but I think I need a can of Red Bull. Anyhow, here's a picture of my beautiful little monkey opening her new toy monkey. Takes one to know one.
April 21, 2018
It’s party time!
Today is my little girl’s 7th birthday party. It’s such a joy to see her happy and excited, though I have no idea where we’re going to put all the presents she’s going to get (her room is already jam-packed with Beanie Boos and My Little Ponies!)
It’s funny how the same things are passed from generation to generation. She’s going to play the party games of my childhood: Musical Statues, Pass the Parcel and Musical Chairs. Like me, she’s now reading Mallory Towers by Enid Blyton, as well as Harry Potter.
I love her so incredibly much, and I can’t wait to see her having fun.
It’s funny how the same things are passed from generation to generation. She’s going to play the party games of my childhood: Musical Statues, Pass the Parcel and Musical Chairs. Like me, she’s now reading Mallory Towers by Enid Blyton, as well as Harry Potter.
I love her so incredibly much, and I can’t wait to see her having fun.
April 20, 2018
On love and beauty
I'm feeling happy today. Not only is it sunny, but tomorrow is my little girl's 7th birthday party. I can't believe she's so grown up already. I'm so lucky to be her mum. I haven't seen her for a whole 11 days because of Easter, and today she's finally coming home.
I got some flak for fat-shaming myself in yesterday's blog. I just get so frustrated with myself, because my New Year's resolution was to be slim again for my daughter's birthday party so that we could take some lovely photos together. Instead, I'll be staying out of all the photos, and I feel sad about that.
But my little girl is the best. I said to her the other day, "I can't imagine a better daughter. There's no one funnier, kinder, smarter and more beautiful."
Then I added hastily, "It isn't important that you're beautiful, of course. It'll make your life easier, because people like beautiful people, but it doesn't matter. I mean, look at me - I'm not beautiful anymore, and you still like me."
She shook her head and replied solemnly: "No Mummy, you're still beautiful."
(I'm most emphatically not, but I'm happy that she thinks that.)
She's just got her first solo in the school concert next week, singing a song that she's written herself, and my boss is letting me take time off to go and see her.
So, even though I'm so fat that my thighs are chafing and my stomach's protruding from my t-shirt today, I'm very lucky.
I got some flak for fat-shaming myself in yesterday's blog. I just get so frustrated with myself, because my New Year's resolution was to be slim again for my daughter's birthday party so that we could take some lovely photos together. Instead, I'll be staying out of all the photos, and I feel sad about that.
But my little girl is the best. I said to her the other day, "I can't imagine a better daughter. There's no one funnier, kinder, smarter and more beautiful."
Then I added hastily, "It isn't important that you're beautiful, of course. It'll make your life easier, because people like beautiful people, but it doesn't matter. I mean, look at me - I'm not beautiful anymore, and you still like me."
She shook her head and replied solemnly: "No Mummy, you're still beautiful."
(I'm most emphatically not, but I'm happy that she thinks that.)
She's just got her first solo in the school concert next week, singing a song that she's written herself, and my boss is letting me take time off to go and see her.
So, even though I'm so fat that my thighs are chafing and my stomach's protruding from my t-shirt today, I'm very lucky.
April 19, 2018
I'm tired of being a salad dodger
I am SO TIRED of being a biffer. A beached whale, a massive blob, a lump of lard, and - my favourite - a salad dodger.
It is miserable and saps your self-esteem. Most of all, though, it is BORING.
From morning to night, my thoughts can roughly be divided into four categories:
1. I wish I could eat X (generally some form of confectionery or pastry)
2. I wish I hadn't eaten X (generally some form of confectionery or pastry)
3. I wish I wasn't so fat and therefore could do X (go back on dating sites/wear nice clothes/go to parties and feel confident enough to talk to people, etc etc).
4. I wish the world wasn't so hideously horrible and judgemental about fat people.
Life is way too fascinating to waste every second just thinking about your fucking weight. Jesus.
If you think that's bad, wait until you hear my excuses for eating too much:
1. I'll just have this doughnut. I'm hungry and I won't eat again later [lies].
2. [after eating X] Well, that's gone and bust my calorie count for today. I might as well go and eat everything in the entire world now, and start my diet again tomorrow.
3. Yes but it's chocolate and it's not fair if everyone else gets to eat it and I don't.
4. I can't diet right now. There's a party this weekend and obviously I won't have any self-control when faced with a buffet, so I might as well eat what I want now too.
5. My weight is a superficiality filter.
6. I'm hungry, so perhaps I should eat the whole fridge.
7. It's a social event, it'll look churlish and will be bad form if I stand there and refuse all the canapés.
8. Someone's made me something special and I have to eat it out of politeness.
9. I'm bored/sad/lonely/scared, I think I'll shove something in my mouth.
10. There's tempting food in the house - I'd better eat it all to save myself from breaking my diet tomorrow.
11. I'm having a chocolate craving. I'd better raid my daughter's Easter eggs or advent calendar, then have to trek down to the shops to buy it all again.
THIS HAS TO STOP! It is ruining my life.
Today I weigh 12 stone exactly. I am officially obese.
Today is the start of my new life.
It is miserable and saps your self-esteem. Most of all, though, it is BORING.
From morning to night, my thoughts can roughly be divided into four categories:
1. I wish I could eat X (generally some form of confectionery or pastry)
2. I wish I hadn't eaten X (generally some form of confectionery or pastry)
3. I wish I wasn't so fat and therefore could do X (go back on dating sites/wear nice clothes/go to parties and feel confident enough to talk to people, etc etc).
4. I wish the world wasn't so hideously horrible and judgemental about fat people.
Life is way too fascinating to waste every second just thinking about your fucking weight. Jesus.
If you think that's bad, wait until you hear my excuses for eating too much:
1. I'll just have this doughnut. I'm hungry and I won't eat again later [lies].
2. [after eating X] Well, that's gone and bust my calorie count for today. I might as well go and eat everything in the entire world now, and start my diet again tomorrow.
3. Yes but it's chocolate and it's not fair if everyone else gets to eat it and I don't.
4. I can't diet right now. There's a party this weekend and obviously I won't have any self-control when faced with a buffet, so I might as well eat what I want now too.
5. My weight is a superficiality filter.
6. I'm hungry, so perhaps I should eat the whole fridge.
7. It's a social event, it'll look churlish and will be bad form if I stand there and refuse all the canapés.
8. Someone's made me something special and I have to eat it out of politeness.
9. I'm bored/sad/lonely/scared, I think I'll shove something in my mouth.
10. There's tempting food in the house - I'd better eat it all to save myself from breaking my diet tomorrow.
11. I'm having a chocolate craving. I'd better raid my daughter's Easter eggs or advent calendar, then have to trek down to the shops to buy it all again.
THIS HAS TO STOP! It is ruining my life.
Today I weigh 12 stone exactly. I am officially obese.
Today is the start of my new life.
April 18, 2018
An unexpected event
I was on my way home last night, two streets away from my road, when an elderly man in front of me stumbled and fell. I was first on the scene. He was breathing and conscious, but seemed shaken and disorientated, so I called for an ambulance.
They asked for his age, and it seemed slightly rude to ask, but he chuckled and told me he was 77. I reassured him that the ambulance was on its way, and put my bags underneath his head so he could rest on the ground a bit more comfortably.
He was Caribbean in origin and, having read the news in the past few days, I wondered if he was part of the Windrush generation. It turned out he lived in the same road as me, though we'd never met before. I chatted to him about his children and his diabetes, and managed to speak to his daughter on the phone.
What was really touching was the number of people who stopped to ask if they could help, both neighbours and bystanders, black white and Asian. A Muslim man brought out some water from his house, and an English girl got him a blanket.
The ambulance came after 40 minutes, and the man thanked me warmly. His daughter texted and said he's going to be in hospital until Monday, so I'm going to pop round to see him when he gets out.
I've said before that I live in a dodgy area, but it turns out that the people here are wonderful. I feel very happy to live in this neighbourhood now.
They asked for his age, and it seemed slightly rude to ask, but he chuckled and told me he was 77. I reassured him that the ambulance was on its way, and put my bags underneath his head so he could rest on the ground a bit more comfortably.
He was Caribbean in origin and, having read the news in the past few days, I wondered if he was part of the Windrush generation. It turned out he lived in the same road as me, though we'd never met before. I chatted to him about his children and his diabetes, and managed to speak to his daughter on the phone.
What was really touching was the number of people who stopped to ask if they could help, both neighbours and bystanders, black white and Asian. A Muslim man brought out some water from his house, and an English girl got him a blanket.
The ambulance came after 40 minutes, and the man thanked me warmly. His daughter texted and said he's going to be in hospital until Monday, so I'm going to pop round to see him when he gets out.
I've said before that I live in a dodgy area, but it turns out that the people here are wonderful. I feel very happy to live in this neighbourhood now.
April 16, 2018
How to survive a break-up
New blog reader Adam wants some tips and tricks for being alone after a break-up. I’ve only been on my own for just over a week this time, but have survived dozens of break-ups (actually more like two dozen, over the past 22 years!) Here’s what I find helpful:
#1: NO CALLING. This is one of the rare situations in life where it’s best to go cold turkey. You broke up for a reason, and maintaining contact is just prolonging the heartache. Of course, if you’ve locked yourself out and they’re the only person who knows where the spare house keys are hidden, by all means contact them - but don’t go inventing excuses to stay in touch.
#2: NO STALKING. Do not follow them all over the internet to see what they’re up to. (God, life was so much easier in 1995 when I first started dating.) It doesn’t matter what they’re doing or saying. Get on with living your own life - the only life you’ll ever have - and make it great.
#3: MAKE YOUR SPACE YOURS. That means getting rid of their letters, photos and other paraphernalia. I’m totally ruthless and unsentimental about this: reading cute romantic cards or gazing wistfully at photos of the two of you is only ever going to make you feel worse. File them in the bin.
#4: GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO THEIR STUFF. My husband was amazing at DIY, but he’s not the only person who can do it. So instead of wishing he were here to paint the porch, I hired a lovely decorator to do it. (And then I stepped on it before the paint was dry, but that’s another story.)
#5: LEAN ON FRIENDS. If John Fleming wasn’t in my life, I don’t know what I’d do. He has been the absolute best, taking care of me while I was ill, staying over and cheering me up. Other friends have also been in touch to offer support, and I’ve been really grateful for that. They’ve filled the space my husband has vacated, and made me feel less alone.
#6: DEVELOP SOME INTERESTS. The idea is to fill your time with so much stuff, you don’t have time to dwell on the break-up. I signed up to a gym class app called ClassPass. (Then I was too ill to go to any classes, but the intention was there!) Life is not just about relationships. But hey, you might even meet someone new while trying something new...
#7: BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Don't beat yourself up for all the things you should have done during the relationship, wishing you could turn back the clock. Relationships are hard: 42% of marriages end in divorce, and even people in happy relationships have usually had failed relationships in the past. There's nothing to say you won't have a successful relationship in the future.
#1: NO CALLING. This is one of the rare situations in life where it’s best to go cold turkey. You broke up for a reason, and maintaining contact is just prolonging the heartache. Of course, if you’ve locked yourself out and they’re the only person who knows where the spare house keys are hidden, by all means contact them - but don’t go inventing excuses to stay in touch.
#2: NO STALKING. Do not follow them all over the internet to see what they’re up to. (God, life was so much easier in 1995 when I first started dating.) It doesn’t matter what they’re doing or saying. Get on with living your own life - the only life you’ll ever have - and make it great.
#3: MAKE YOUR SPACE YOURS. That means getting rid of their letters, photos and other paraphernalia. I’m totally ruthless and unsentimental about this: reading cute romantic cards or gazing wistfully at photos of the two of you is only ever going to make you feel worse. File them in the bin.
#4: GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO THEIR STUFF. My husband was amazing at DIY, but he’s not the only person who can do it. So instead of wishing he were here to paint the porch, I hired a lovely decorator to do it. (And then I stepped on it before the paint was dry, but that’s another story.)
#5: LEAN ON FRIENDS. If John Fleming wasn’t in my life, I don’t know what I’d do. He has been the absolute best, taking care of me while I was ill, staying over and cheering me up. Other friends have also been in touch to offer support, and I’ve been really grateful for that. They’ve filled the space my husband has vacated, and made me feel less alone.
#6: DEVELOP SOME INTERESTS. The idea is to fill your time with so much stuff, you don’t have time to dwell on the break-up. I signed up to a gym class app called ClassPass. (Then I was too ill to go to any classes, but the intention was there!) Life is not just about relationships. But hey, you might even meet someone new while trying something new...
#7: BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Don't beat yourself up for all the things you should have done during the relationship, wishing you could turn back the clock. Relationships are hard: 42% of marriages end in divorce, and even people in happy relationships have usually had failed relationships in the past. There's nothing to say you won't have a successful relationship in the future.
April 15, 2018
Reasons to be happy
Hello people of the internet,
New Age gurus say 'what you focus on expands'. (They also talk a load of rubbish about how you attract what you think about, but I've yet to shit my pants at work despite worrying about it constantly when I had explosive diarrhoea last year, so I think we can safely forget about that one.)
Anyhow: I do believe that if you focus on happy things, that makes you feel cheerier, and it kind of works like the happy opposite of a vicious cycle. So here are five things that are making me feel better right now:
1. According to iPhone's weather app, it is going to be sunny in London EVERY DAY THIS WEEK! Sunshine, vitamin D, white wisps of cloud in turquoise skies... bliss. At last, some sign of summer approaching! (I mean, the app has been known to be wrong. Also this means I have to go out and water the plants in the garden every single day, but I'm meant to be focusing on good things, dammit!)
2. The impending good weather is making me doubly happy, because it's my daughter's 7th birthday party this week, and I'm also taking her to the Disney Store for a 'buy-whatever-you-want' treat, and it means (a) we won't get rained on, and (b) her little friends and their parents hopefully won't be tempted to stay in due to the rain, rather than trekking halfway across town to our house for the party.
3. We're between designers at work, so I get to do all the images for our app for a couple of weeks. It provides a fun respite from writing and uses a different part of my brain (I love writing, but I do it all the time, and it's nice to learn a new skill). I love being creative in a visual way, as those of you who have visited my house will know, but other than interior design, I don't get to do it very often.
4. I'M WELL! This should really be number 1, but I banged on about it two days ago, so it's been relegated to number 4. And god it's nice not to have to lie in bed making moaning noises, sipping vegetable soup and sending my lovely boss endless apology messages. Being ill sucks balls, and so I have nothing but gratitude for having energy again and not having to snot over hundreds of tissues.
5. *housewife klaxon alert* Lakeland have some very stylish ironing boards and laundry airers in their new catalogue. I think maybe I shouldn't include this one, because it makes me sound like the middle-aged woman I am. To neutralise this, I might have to include the words "sick", "dope" and "epic" in some news stories at work today. Because that's how I roll, dudes. Now, where are my pipe and slippers?
New Age gurus say 'what you focus on expands'. (They also talk a load of rubbish about how you attract what you think about, but I've yet to shit my pants at work despite worrying about it constantly when I had explosive diarrhoea last year, so I think we can safely forget about that one.)
Anyhow: I do believe that if you focus on happy things, that makes you feel cheerier, and it kind of works like the happy opposite of a vicious cycle. So here are five things that are making me feel better right now:
1. According to iPhone's weather app, it is going to be sunny in London EVERY DAY THIS WEEK! Sunshine, vitamin D, white wisps of cloud in turquoise skies... bliss. At last, some sign of summer approaching! (I mean, the app has been known to be wrong. Also this means I have to go out and water the plants in the garden every single day, but I'm meant to be focusing on good things, dammit!)
2. The impending good weather is making me doubly happy, because it's my daughter's 7th birthday party this week, and I'm also taking her to the Disney Store for a 'buy-whatever-you-want' treat, and it means (a) we won't get rained on, and (b) her little friends and their parents hopefully won't be tempted to stay in due to the rain, rather than trekking halfway across town to our house for the party.
3. We're between designers at work, so I get to do all the images for our app for a couple of weeks. It provides a fun respite from writing and uses a different part of my brain (I love writing, but I do it all the time, and it's nice to learn a new skill). I love being creative in a visual way, as those of you who have visited my house will know, but other than interior design, I don't get to do it very often.
4. I'M WELL! This should really be number 1, but I banged on about it two days ago, so it's been relegated to number 4. And god it's nice not to have to lie in bed making moaning noises, sipping vegetable soup and sending my lovely boss endless apology messages. Being ill sucks balls, and so I have nothing but gratitude for having energy again and not having to snot over hundreds of tissues.
5. *housewife klaxon alert* Lakeland have some very stylish ironing boards and laundry airers in their new catalogue. I think maybe I shouldn't include this one, because it makes me sound like the middle-aged woman I am. To neutralise this, I might have to include the words "sick", "dope" and "epic" in some news stories at work today. Because that's how I roll, dudes. Now, where are my pipe and slippers?
