Ariane Sherine's Blog, page 16

No Bull

What the hell's this blog post about, then?
An ethical line of shoes called Novacas.

'Novacas'? What's that when it's at home?
It's Spanish and Portuguese for 'no cow'.

Bet you're not allowed to wear the shoes then. Arf arf.
Most amoosing. Anyhow, their strapline is 'Built By Kindness'.

Kindness to cows? Seems like a bit of a waste of kindness if you ask me.
Kindness to animals, humans and the environment.

Sigh. More worthy moo-free stuff, right?
They're 100% vegan shoes, ethically made using no PVC in worker-friendly factories.

No PVC? I guess there are no kinky thigh-high boots then?
Why, did you fancy some for the weekend? You can check out their range here.

Ooh, I like the brogues, but it says Novacas are only stocked in Australia, Canada and Finland.
They need to update their website, because they're definitely also stocked at The Third Estate.

Did you get the shoes free?
No. I didn't even try them on.

Poor you. Can I cheer you up by telling you my favourite cow joke?
Go on then.

Knock knock.
Who's there?

Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c-

MOOOOOOOOOO!

www.novacas.com

The Return of AL

What have you been up to? Having spanking threesomes with hot girls while knocking back the Bailey's? I know what you debauched journalists are like.
Sadly not. I've been writing back to racists.

Do you have Nick Griffin as a pen pal then?
Thankfully not. But the rabidly anti-Semitic AL returned to my Inbox yesterday, so here's our correspondence.


from: [deleted]to: ariane.sherine@gmail.comdate: 8 December 2013 17:54subject: Re: To the man who threw $1,000 in the Mall of America: just give to charity


Dear Ariane,

I am just moved by the generosity of your Jewish boyfriends and the generosity of the Jewish people throwing lavish election parties for their influential contacts...

How selfless and generous of these people.

So sad that the guy decided to "snow" money on poor shoppers instead of "snowing" that amount to the Red Cross, United Way, Etc... - the companies whose Jewish CEOs are making millions.....

AL



I replied: 



Dear AL,
To call me an 'influential contact' is something of a stretch. I'm a single mother and practising massage therapist on a low income.
Re. this debate: if you agree with me that the Jewish man who donated the money was generous, you're admitting that your first email was baseless.
Re. the charities American Red Cross and United Way, they are rated by Forbes as having 85% and 92% efficiency rates respectively, irrespective of the salaries of their CEOs. Why does it make a difference to you whether their CEOs are Jewish or not? I'm certain they would earn the same amount regardless of their ethnicity. Has it not occurred to you that people work for charities because they care deeply about other people's welfare? It is sad that you resent the fact that people of a different ethnicity are doing better than you, and improving the world in a way you are not.
Here's a thought: maybe if you put the same energy into bettering yourself as you do sending racist emails to journalists in another country whom you've never met, you might achieve more and attain more peace of mind?
This will be my last email to you.
Yours sincerely,
Ariane

Emmanuel Labour

What did you do this weekend? I pulled a fit bird, got hammered on Bacardi and coke, and had three fry-ups the next day. Beat that.
I packed some HIV test postal kits for Terrence Higgins Trust.

Eh? Sounds duller than a Lib Dem conference speech. What did you waste time doing that for?
Well, my dad's cousin died of AIDS, so I'm quite keen to see HIV stopped once and for all.

And you think stuffing some envelopes is going to stop an epidemic, do you?
If enough people do the tests, it could certainly help. You see, when people are diagnosed, they can start treatment - which not only only gives them a better prognosis, it also means they're less likely to pass on the virus.

What, because they'll be more "responsible"?
Yes, and because HIV meds can decrease the virus to undetectable levels, meaning that they're less likely to be able to infect others.

How do these "kits" work, then?
They allow the user to take a blood sample using a lancet. The sample is then sent straight to a laboratory at a hospital, where it's analysed for the p24 antigen protein, which is present in HIV+ users with a window period of four weeks. If the result is negative, users will be told via text; if it's positive, they'll be telephoned by a counsellor experienced in giving positive results.





Chuck us a test kit then. I never use condoms.
That's ridiculously silly of you, but you don't qualify. Due to THT's funding, the tests are currently only available to African people and MSM (men who have sex with men).

I know you're liberal, write for the Guardian and like to support minorities, but that's preposterous!
It's not, it makes total sense. Those are the two highest-risk groups for HIV infection. It's a shitty, horrible disease that affects minority groups disproportionately. That's one of the reasons why I want to do everything I can to help stop it.

So what can I do then? I'm not wasting my weekends volunteering, that's for sure.
You could buy the book I edited,  The Atheist's Guide to Christmas  (HarperCollins), as all editor and contributor royalties go to THT. You could also encourage any of your friends in high-risk groups to test regularly. You could sign up for a different volunteering role by emailing volunteer.office@tht.org.uk. And you can start wearing condoms.

Yes Mum. Who's that bloke with you in the picture?
It's Nick Dastoor, the Guardian journalist in the Give Blood chapter of Give: How to Be Happy. And the photo was taken by the project coordinator, a lovely guy called Emmanuel.

So when you were packing the kits, was that 'Emmanuel labour'?
Arf.

To volunteer to help pack HIV test postal kits at THT's King's Cross office, please email emmanuel.buenaventura@tht.org.uk

There Are Comments. And Then There Are Comments.

You again? I thought you'd finished banging on about comments.
I had, but then I received an anti-Semitic email about my Guardian article, so I thought I'd post it and my answer below.



From: [deleted]
To: Ariane SherineSent: Sunday, 8 December 2013, 10:00Subject: To the man who threw $1,000 in the Mall of America: just give to charity
Cheap Jews like you just can not understand this.
Am I wrong???
AL

From: Ariane Sherine
To: [deleted] Sent: Sunday, 8 December 2013, 12:29Subject: Re: To the man who threw $1,000 in the Mall of America: just give to charity
Dear AL, 
I'm Ariane, the journalist who wrote the Guardian piece on giving to charity. To answer your question simply: yes, you are wrong.
Firstly, you are wrong on a technical level: I am not Jewish. But my mother's heritage is Iranian, so we're near enough the same people from the same part of the world.
Secondly, and far more essentially, you are wrong on a basic human level: Jewish people are no less generous than people of any other ethnicity.
How do I know this? I could tell you about my Jewish friend Mark, who took me on holiday to Cyprus when I was 19, because I couldn't afford to go and had never been abroad on holiday before.
I could tell you more about him and his American wife Allie (also Jewish), who throw great parties every US election night with no expense spared.
I could tell you about my Jewish boyfriend Dan, who would never allow me to pay for anything (dinners, club nights, travel, etc) despite my insistence, because I was a student and wasn't earning.
I could relate any number of stories to you, but I'm not sure it would sway you from your view, because I don't think your view was formed through any valid reasoning. 
So I think it would be better to ask you to examine your prejudices against Jewish people. Did your parents bring you up to believe that you were in some way better than them? Were your schoolfriends anti-Semitic? Have you ever considered that making a prejudiced generalisation against a whole ethnicity is racist and wrong?
And - to throw a completely different light on your question - would you be surprised to learn that Mr Vorobyov, the generous subject of the article I wrote, was most likely Jewish himself?
http://www.jewage.org/wiki/en/Profile:P0845055745http://jewishdata.com/browse.php?type=first_last&query=Vorobyov
I hope this answers your question.
Yours sincerely,
Ariane

The Internet

Ha ha. Everyone hates you.
This again? You must be talking about my latest Guardian piece, on charitable giving. But they don't hate me.

You're kidding, right? They called you ham-handed, self-righteous, self-important, faux-outraged...
What you're talking about is called "the internet", as encapsulated in XKCD 386:




Are you posting this in lieu of writing a proper blog post?
I'm posting it to demonstrate that people get very heated about stuff online, in a way they perhaps wouldn't in real life. Because no one can see them and they're anonymous, they vent their spleens quite vociferously. I do it too. But I absolutely love writing for the Guardian - it's the best paper in the UK - and the comments are no different than on any other newspaper site.

So you're saying...
I'm saying that sometimes we all have to take a step back from the below-the-line section of comment pieces and say "this is just the internet, and this is what people do". Myself included. And I'll continue to engage in the debate below the line, whatever anyone says.

Crate Stuff

What the hell is that mess?
It's the contents of my stomach.

What? Why have you been eating chocolate mousse containers?
I haven't. I've been eating Alpro soya chocolate desserts.

My suspicion detector is operating on overload. Are Alpro paying you to write this?
I wish they were. If they want to send me a crate of these, I'd be very grateful, as I currently spend around £3.30 a day on them.

What's so good about them?
Well, firstly, they're delicious. Secondly, they're vegan, which is good as I am too.

Oh for heaven's sake. "I luv teh ickle aminals, tehy are my fwends."
It's not just the animals, it's also the environment. From the back of the packet: "Soya protein products use five times less land and ten times less water and generate less CO2 emissions than products made from animal protein."

Yeah? I still haven't heard a good reason why I should buy these desserts.
Because they taste like heaven.

How would you know? You're an atheist.
Yeah. An atheist who knows delicious chocolate when she tastes it.

www.alprosoya.co.uk
£1.65 per pack from Sainsbury's

Packing Kits. Definitely Kits.

Good Lord, woman. What the hell are you wearing?It's a very clever dress from ethical company The Third Estate.
What do you mean, "clever"? Does it have an MA in International Politics?Of course. But the colour scheme also means it minimises your bum and waist while accentuating your décolletage.
Does it now?It does. Proof: I was packing HIV postal kits in the Terrence Higgins Trust office on Sunday, when another volunteer came in, took one look at me, and asked, "Are you packing tits? I mean, kits! KITS!"
Did that really happen, though?It totally did. I said "Yes, both."
Did you get the dress for free?No, I have to give it back. Sadly.
Who's the designer, Dolly Parton?A company called Antiform. They're based in Leeds and specialise in ethical production. Many of their clothes are completely made in Yorkshire, too.
Hmmph. So what are this "ethical" Third Estate shop about, then?It's two very lovely people, Angela and James. They sell ethically-traded clothes, eco-friendly products and vegan footwear.
Eh? I've never seen a shoe eating meat or cheese.You're clearly not going to the right shoe shops.
The Third Estate, 27 Brecknock Road, London N7 0BThttps://www.facebook.com/thirdestatel...

Dressing Down

Ha ha! Everyone hates you! Billy no-mates.Everyone does not hate me. Stop being a bastard. I bet Desmond Tutu doesn't hate me, or the Dalai Lama, or Nelson Mandela...
They would if they knew who you were. Just look at your Guardian piece. 1250 comments, most of them irate. And on a piece about kindness!I think the headline was a little misleading. I wrote it, and I didn't realise how it would be misconstrued.
A likely story. You wrote it for traffic.I wrote it with quotes, because it was catchy: Why I've ditched "God" for "good". If anything, I thought atheists would be upset with me for ditching atheist campaigning for campaigning on kindness. But they've all been very reasonable, as atheists tend to be.
Right. Why are we still writing in dialogue?Because I used to be a TV scriptwriter and find it easier?
Didn't you write for that godawful BBC3 show, Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps?Moving swiftly on... look at these photos!





Jesus, woman. You look like the wife of a Tory MP.Isn't this dress lovely? It's from an ethically accredited clothing retailer called People Tree. 
People Tree? You can't just put two nouns together and decide it's a company name. Shall I call my new company Car Broom, or Radiator Spoon?I'm not stopping you. Now can we focus on this dress please? It's called the Sandra Galaxy dress, and is only £51.


Did you get it for free?No, I have to give it back. But it's fab, isn't it? Hugs your curves perfectly. The necklace is from People Tree too. And the shoes are the Callie heels from Beyond Skin, another ethical company.

What's so good about "ethical" companies?
It's great to know that these garments weren't made in a sweatshop, that the producers were paid a living wage, and that neither animals nor the environment were harmed in the production process, unlike with most garments.
Hmmph. I don't see many dresses going around stabbing cats.Maybe that could be a feature of your new company Radiator Spoon?
That's a good idea.
www.peopletree.co.uk
www.beyondskin.co.uk

Give: How to Be Happy

Why the hell haven't you updated this blog for years?
Because I haven't had anything to say. And now I do.

Have you found the secret to life?
Yes, as it happens.

Oh no, you've found religion! I knew this would happen. Someone call the Daily Mail.
Leave the Daily Mail alone. They're too busy tracking down the five illegal asylum seekers in the country.

Is it Scientology? Do you want to be Tom Cruise's next wife?
Well, we do share a birthday. But no.

Is it Catholicism? Do you want to be the next Pope?
Pope Ariane has a nice ring to it, but as this piece shows, I like condoms a bit too much.

Are you a Hindu or Muslim or Sikh or Jain or Zoroastrian? You are brown, after all.
No, I haven't found religion. I've found giving.

Giving what? Flippant answers?
Giving any number of things, as my new campaign poster shows.


You look like you're going to the wedding of a Labour Party MP.
Thank you, Gok Wan.

So you've written a book, then?
Yes. You're in it.

Doing what?
Being your usual charming self.

How much is this book?
It's free, and you can download it here.

Is it rude?
Very. And it's also 1.35am, so goodnight.

The Last Nine Months: A Retrospective

Back at the start of August, I started a hardcore post-pregnancy diet. I weighed ten stone, and aimed to lose two by setting the goal very publicly, eating food fit only for a small rodent, and posting up a picture of my scales each week as proof of my weight loss. To motivate myself, I used a pre-pregnancy picture of myself in my favourite dress:


However, I was unsure that I'd ever be able to get back into it. I had an embarrassing vision of having to post up the same weight (or more) on the scales every week. During the first week of the diet, I almost quit, and was thinking of giving you the spurious line "my doctor says I shouldn't be on a diet" as a get-out.

I'm glad I didn't though, as this is what I looked like at 34 weeks pregnant, weighing over 12 stone, in a photoshoot in March for Pregnancy & Birth magazine:


It's ironic that I'm (coincidentally) holding a cupcake, as this photo is evidence of what too much cake will do to you. (I had massive cravings for chocolate, and was eating virtually a whole cake a day!). I don't even recognise myself here. People kept saying I looked like Ugly Betty.

This is what I looked like in May, soon after giving birth, weighing over 11 stone:






It's fair to say that I was a big girl.

Now, this isn't going to be a very good retrospective, as I spent most of the year studiously avoiding cameras, so you can't really see the transition from plump to unplump (sorry). But by the start of August, I'd lost a stone and a half just by cutting out chocolate and eating sensibly.

I needed an incentive to lose another two stone though - hence the blog. So I created the diet outlined in my last post. It wasn't easy or fun, and it took nearly four months, but to my relief I'm now 8 stone and a size 8 again (US size 4), and here I am (yesterday) back in the same dress:




Since April 24th, I've lost a third of my body weight, and feel much more confident, healthy and happy having done so. I don't know if I'll ever have another baby - if I do, it won't be until Lily's much older - but if I get pregnant again, I'll be very careful with my eating, so I don't have to go through this process again.

This will be my last blog post for a while. Thanks for all your support and encouragement over the last four months - it meant a lot. I genuinely couldn't have done it without you.