Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 330

This man could have been ripped from one of my novels

If ever there was a real life person who represented my fictional aesthetic, it's this man. 

Quirky, odd, and yet surprisingly appealing. 

Afraid of identity theft? Here's a simple solution: Lie

I was standing in a hallway, waiting in line for my flu shot, when a colleague walked by.

"Are you getting a flu shot?" I asked her.

"I'd like to," she said. "But I hate giving out my social security number and birth date and address and all that. It makes me nervous."

I laughed - not because she was nervous of identity theft - but because of how simple a solution there was to her problem.

"Why not just lie?" I asked. "Give a fake social security number. A fake address. Give a fake name if you want. Do you really think anyone is going to verify your information after you've received your flu shot? And even if they do, how would they ever trace it back to you? And even if they did, what would happen? Would they take the flu shot back? Have you arrested? Execute you?"

"Really?" she said. "Just give a fake number?"

I explained that for more almost two decades, whenever I am required to complete a time sheet for work above and beyond my salaried hours, I have always filled in the line for "Position" with the word "upright" rather than "teacher."

Dozens upon dozens of time sheets, all completed the same way over the course of almost 20 years, and never a word from anyone.   

"Unless I'm dealing with the IRS or my insurance company, I almost never give out my real social security number," I explained. "When I rent a cart for golf and am required to sign a waiver, I always sign my friend's name and provide his phone number. Other than my wife, it's the only other phone number I know by heart."

"Really?" she asked. 

I explained that the bureaucrats of the world are obsessed with gathering data but oftentimes have little interest in determining if the data is accurate. It's just boxes in need of checking and nothing more. 

I could tell that she liked the idea, but I could also see that this was something new to her. There was a moral hazard at play.

Teachers are often rules followers. A vast majority of them - at least at the elementary level - are formerly well behaved, hard working students who wanted to please their teachers. They became teachers because they loved their teachers and loved school. The idea of falsifying information on an official document is something that most teachers wouldn't even consider, despite legitimate concerns over identity theft and database security. 

In the end, she decided not to take my advice. She skipped the flu shot and went on her way, unprotected from the oncoming flu season. 

It was a victory for the flu virus, which managed to preserve another vector for distribution thanks to the fear of identity theft and an unwillingness to falsify documents and deceive medical personnel.

It must be a difficult life when you can't freely lie to authorities and amuse yourself by completing paperwork in ridiculous ways.  

TEDx Berkshires: Homework for Life

Watch my most recent TEDx Talk, "Homework for Life," below. 

In this talk, I discuss a simple strategy - stumbled upon accidentally - that you can use to slow down time, find greater meaning in your life, and give your future self one of the best gifts imaginable. And if you're a storyteller - on the stage or at the dinner table - there is an immeasurable bonus.  

All I ask is for five minutes a day.  

TEDxNatick: "Live Life Like Your 100 Year-Old Self"

I'll be speaking at TEDxNatick at the Natick High School in Natick, MA on January 23, 2016. 

The conference begins at 9:30 AM and wraps at 3:30 PM. Lunch is provided. Tickets to the conference are selling fast. They can be purchased here. 

I will be speaking on the topic: "Live Life Like Your 100 Year-Old Self." 

A list of other speakers can be found here. 

Rose City Park Church: The sign is real, and the message is fantastic, despite my suggestions for revision.

I assumed that this sign was a fake when I saw it, but no. It's real. 

It's also both shocking and refreshing. As a person who would like to believe in God and an afterlife but has yet been able to do so, a logical, sensible, rationale message like this makes religion seem so much more accessible.

Bravo, Tom Tate and company.

I'm also a fan of the Rose City Park United Methodist Church's mission statement (even though I despise the notion of mission statements): 

The Rose City Park United Methodist Church …

 “Where we share God’s love Compassionately and Inclusively

… through Radical Hospitality.”

I could do without the ellipses (of course), but they aren't egregious enough to ruin the spirit of the message.

But it's close.

I also find it amusing that Rose City Park refers to itself as both a city and a park when it's neither. It's actually a small, overpriced (Forbes, 2009) neighborhood in northeast Portland, Oregon.  

As a person who has read the Bible cover to cover three times, I might also suggest changing the word God to Jesus on their sign. Based upon Biblical text, I am quite certain that Jesus would prefer kind atheists over hateful Christians.

The God of the Bible (and particularly the Old Testament) wasn't nearly as reasonable or rationale.   

3 verbal tics that you must stop

These may not seem like big deals, but they are. The world is oftentimes far too uninteresting a place, thanks to the inability to communicate with verve and aplomb.

The wasted words. The lack of vigor. Verbal tics that cause conversations to be grating upon the soul.    

Stop these three things now.

1. Thesis followed by evidence

I heard the perfect example of this on a podcast recently. A woman was discussing cheeseburger preferences when she said, "I don't do any condiments at all on my burger. No catsup. No mustard. No relish. No mayonnaise."

In conversation, we do not require a person's thesis statement to be followed by the supporting evidence. We are writing a scholarly paper. Either summarize the evidence ("I don't do any condiments") or present the evidence (list the condiments), but please don't do both unless listing them will provoke an emotional response (a laugh, tears, surprise). 

We understand what "no condiments" means. No need to list the condiments, even for emphasis. We get it.

I hear this verbal tic all the time. I hate it so much.  

2. Laughing at your own statements.

If you are funny, other people will routinely laugh at the things you say. With rare exceptions, you are not supposed to laugh at the things you say. Yet this egregious and abrasive tic is surprisingly prevalent in the world. People make a statement and then laugh at that statement all the time. 

There are people who laugh at the end of almost everything they say.

I'm convinced that these people don't even realize that they're doing it, so please, don't read this and assume it's not you. I might be. Pay attention to the way you speak. 

If this is you, stop it. We all hate you for it.   

3. Attempting to recall insignificant details at the expense of the momentum of a story.

How often have you been listening to a person tell a story, only to watch that story grind to a inexorable halt when the person telling the story begins to debate a meaningless detail?

Was the woman's name was Sally or Samantha?
Was the town was Bethesda or Barksdale?
Was it 1986 or 1987?

These are details that mean something to the storyteller but nothing to the audience, and when we tell stories, the audience's needs are the only ones that matter.

Stop fussing about details that won't ultimately change the story. Many, many things are required to tell a good story, and pacing is one of them. Making your audience (whether it's one person or one thousand people) feel like your story has energy and momentum is critical to maintaining their attention and ultimately entertaining them.

We don't care if her name was Sally or Samantha. We don't care if it happened in Bethesda or Barksdale. We don't care if it was '86 or '87. 

Just pick one and move on.  

For the friend who has everything, the perfect holiday gift...

Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant, in a 55 gallon container could be yours for $1,175.82 from Amazon. Two day shipping available (though I pity the UPS driver who needs to bring a 55 gallon barrel of lube onto your stoop).

The oddities of becoming a somewhat (but not famous) public figure

I am not a famous person, regardless of what a couple of my friends may insist. I am not even close to being famous.

I am not even fame-ish.

I've had the honor of occupying the same space and even spending time with famous people this past year.

A long backstage chat with Dr. Ruth.
A backstage discussion with The Daily Show's Samantha Bee.
A conversation with the magician David Blaine.
An elbow rub with Louis CK at an event where we shared the same stage. 
An email exchange with Kevin Hart.

These are famous people. I am not because none of them knew who the hell I was. 

Nor does anyone else.    

But thanks to my books and storytelling and public speaking, I am a bit of a public figure, and that means that every now and then, my name pops up in strange places, oftentimes unbeknownst to me until someone else points it out.  

Elysha recently found my name attached to a lemonade recipe, apparently inspired by my latest novel, The Perfect Comeback of Caroline Jacobs. Characters drink lemonade on two separate occasions, which was enough for someone named Ingrid to create her own lemonade recipe and share it with the world. 

Earlier this week, this splash card was forwarded to me by a friend on Facebook. I'm not entirely sure what it means, but it's always odd to see my name attached to something as seemingly random as this. 

Boy Vs. Girl - Episode #5: The Military Draft, Man Vs. Wild, and Grudges

The latest episode of Boy Vs. Girl, a podcast about gender and gender stereotypes, is available now. Listen here or subscribe at iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts.

If you'd like to continue the conversation during the week, follow us on Facebook or send us an email to bvgpodcast@gmail.com.

You can also recommend a surprise third segment topic at bvgquestion@gmail.com. 

Also, if you like what you hear, please consider leaving a rating and review in iTunes. It helps listeners find our podcast and makes me feel better about myself.

Hire this guy. And please don't do anything like this to my Wikipedia page.

My favorite story of the week, including a man who you should hire immediately. 

“At a recent concert in Melbourne, Australia, one fan managed to sneak backstage by convincing a security guard he was related to one half of the duo Peking Duk. How? By editing the band’s Wikipedia page on his phone. He simply showed his ID and the Wikipedia entry to the guard, who waved him through and told him to wait.

“I stood out there for five minutes and I started to think this isn’t going to work,” the clever fan, David Spargo, told The Guardian. But then band member Reuben Styles popped out and invited Spargo into the green room.

Styles and his bandmate, Adam Hyde, were so impressed by the stunt that they weren’t creeped out or concerned by the security breach.

“It was probably the most genius, mastermind move that I’ve ever witnessed,” Hyde said. “We ended up having a bunch of beers with him and he was an absolute legend. He wasn’t a creep or anything. He was like the most normal dude we’ve ever met. That’s what makes it more hilarious.””

— http://time.com/4136607/peking-duk-fa...

The question:

What can you do with my Wikipedia page to take advantage of me?

Also, please don't.