Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 329

I have a story on The Moth Radio Hour and podcast this week!

I'm thrilled to have a story featured on The Moth Radio Hour and Moth podcast this week. 

It's a holiday story about my car accident two days before Christmas when I was seventeen years old and the unexpected gift I received as a result.

An essential quote for parents and teachers who are struggling with discipline

One of my lifelong ambitions is to make it into Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations or the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations. In an effort to assist the editors of that admirable tome, I maintain a list of possible entries.

Today I have a new one to add to my list. This is something that I say to parents and teachers whenever I see them threatening impossible consequences or failing to follow through on consequences.

"A rule without a consequence is merely a suggestion."

Not bad. Right?

It will be added to the list of 16 other quotes (some identified by me but many chosen by readers and (in two cases) Reader's Digest) that Bartlett's or Oxford editors may want to consider.

You don't happen to know an editor at Bartlett's or Oxford. Do you?
_______________________________ 

Brevity is the souLost potential is difficult to measure and convenient to ignore.I wrote term papers as a means of flirting with girls.In my most treasured friendships, there is little room for hurt feelings.Ambiguity in the possible death of a character is an act of cowardice on the writer’s part.I spend most of my evenings struggling to stay alive. Don’t let anyone fool you.  Death is hardest on the dead.Passive-aggressive, indirect, and anonymous are three of my least favorite qualities in any form of communication.Nothing convinces me about the stupidity of human beings more than driving in the vicinity of a mall on a Saturday.I am more impressed with the quality of a person’s questions than with the quality of their answers.It's all about me, but you’re welcome to occupy space.Spock said that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, but what if the many are all incredibly stupid?You can determine the effectiveness of a teacher by the frequency by which you can enter the classroom and speak to the teacher without grinding learning to a halt.If you are not delegating enough, you are not lazy enough.Old age is the last dirty trick.The story has always existed. You simply need to find it.

Boy vs. Girl: Episode 7: Babysitters, chivalry and taking out the trash

In the sad and unlikely event that you haven't subscribed to our podcast Boy vs. Girl in the iTunes store or wherever you get your podcasts (Overcast is my personal favorite), you can also listen to it here.

And if you like the podcast, please consider leaving us a review in iTunes.

Or simply click a rating.

It doesn't take long, and it will help other listeners find our show and make you feel like you knew about something cool long before they did. 

A possible cure for writer's block

I have thankfully never suffered from writer's block, but if you do, perhaps you could try this innovative means of writing in hopes of curing it:

Write naked.

I can't say that his work was especially impressive that day, but he was putting words to the page, which apparently is a big deal to anyone suffering from writer's block.

I've switched from PC to Mac. I have six complaints.

About a month ago, I switched from PC to Mac. This was a momentous change for me. Terrifying and frustrating. Like landing on an alien planet. 

It was also necessary. My PC was on its last legs. The shift key was broken and I was starting to get about one blue screen a day. And between my podcast and Speak Up, I was using the Mac more and more. It only made sense to switch over. 

After a month on the Mac, I have grown accustomed to this new planet. It's working. I can love with the change. There are moments when I might even like it. 

But I have a few issues:

It's ridiculous that there is no right-click button,. I have grown accustomed to using the keypad's right-click feature, but still, it's asinine not to have a right-click option. The command key (Control key on a PC) is placed adjacent to the spacebar - in the middle of the bottom row - instead of in the far left corner. It's not as easily accessible as it is on a PC, and it's one of my most frequently used keys. I use it much more often than the damn function key, which is where the command key should be.There is no delete key. There is a backspace key masquerading as a delete key, but in order to delete a word, I must move to the end of the word. On a PC, I had the option of deleting a word from the front or the back. The absence of a Mac equivalent to this is baffling.I don't have a way of instantly returning to the desktop. On my PC, there was a square in the bottom left corner of the screen. Click it and I'm on the desktop. This was an extremely useful feature. The Mac allows me to swipe three fingers across my mousepad to see all of the programs that I have open - which is excellent - but many times, I just want to return to my desktop. It's not easy.I can no longer hover over program icons like Word and Excel and see how many documents of each are currently open and switch from one to another easily. This seems like a no brainer in terms of features that Apple should adopt. There are programs like Windows Live Writer that are not compatible on a Mac. 

Tableside preparation of guacamole is stupid. For many reasons.

I don't like avocados. As a result, I also don't like guacamole. So perhaps the following statements are tinged with bias.

Or perhaps I am more objective about this matter than your average guacamole enthusiast. 

Either way, I am hear to report that the recent trend in restaurants for waitstaff - armed with mortar and pestle - to make the guacamole right at the table (table-side seems to be the trendy word used to describe this service) is stupid. 

For reasons that I will never understand, people seem to love watching men and women smash avocados in a faux-volcanic mortar while they watch. They think of this as a special treat. An added bit of service. A pulling back of the curtain to get a view of the work normally done in the kitchen. They consider this a guarantee of freshness. A kissing cousin of the farm-to-table movement. 

It's none of these things. 

The way to determine if your guacamole is fresh is to taste it. If it tastes fresh, isn't that the only relevant data point to consider? If the guacamole made at your table tasted less-than-fresh but the nine day old frozen guacamole tasted fresh and delicious, which would you prefer?

In the end, it's it our tastebuds that make the determination of freshness?

And if you're concerned that the restaurant might serve you less-than-fresh guacamole, why did you choose the restaurant in the first place? Do you normally eat in restaurants that you don't trust? 

And what about the rest of the food, being prepared somewhere in the depths of the kitchen? How are you guaranteeing its freshness?

In addition, the making of guacamole table-side is actually detrimental to your dining experience, for two reasons:

1. While the person makes the guacamole at your table, conversation often comes to a grinding halt. Your attention is drawn to the mortar and pestle, and it's suddenly like watching the Food Network instead of spending time in conversation with friends.

I hate it. 

2. The poor restaurant worker turned performance artist who must stand at your table and make your guacamole could be more productive if he or she were in the kitchen, making a larger batch of guacamole for everyone who has ordered the foul substance. Instead, the restaurant either hires multiple guacamole makers (requiring them to raise prices), temporarily strips the kitchen of a chef (slowing down food preparation), or forces you to wait for guacamole until the waitstaff is finished making guacamole for tables 7 and 9.

Stupid. 

Years ago, I went to dinner with a girlfriend and her friends. Between courses, the waiter wiped the tablecloth clean with a small, white scraper. When he left, one of the women leaned in and whispered, "That's what makes this place fancy."

Forget the tastiness of the food or the promptness of service. It was the use of a small bit of plastic - a bauble - that impressed her. 

Table-side guacamole is a bauble. It's unnecessary and purposeless ostentation. It's an unneeded and unappreciated interruption. it's the illusion of special or fancy.

It's stupid. Make the food in the kitchen. Bring it to the table when it's ready. I'll be busy chatting with friends. 

Connor the Unicorn is missing. It's freakin' annoying.

My daughter has a whole host of imaginary friends, who she calls "pretend friends." We hear about them a lot less than we did a couple years ago, but they are still around, and from time to time, we will hear her talking to them. 

Audrey. Elizabeth. Anna. The list goes on and on. 

Most of these pretend friends are related to one another in some complex family tree that is set in stone in her mind. She expects me to have this family tree memorized as well, and she becomes angry when it's not (which it never is). 

Amongst these human pretend friends is Connor, the Unicorn.

Connor went missing about a week ago. The first indication of his absence were the signs that started going up around the house.

Lost unicorn signs. 

Then she began talking about his absence. Lamenting it. Looking genuinely sad. 

The other day I walked into the living room and found Clara sitting on the couch, head in hands, looking as sad as I have ever seen her. 

"What's wrong?" I asked. "Are you sick?"

She answered with one word: "Connor."

This has happened a few times since then. I walk into a room, find her sitting quietly, looking sad, and when I ask what's wrong, she says, "Connor."

You would think that a guy who wrote an entire novel about imaginary friends (and almost finished a sequel) would love this imaginary world that my little girl has created for herself.

You'd think that a guy who had an imaginary friend of his own as a boy (and thought that imaginary friend was real for years and years) would understand his daughter's emotional attachment to her mythical, imaginary friend.

But no. Not if the damn thing is going to make her sad.

Someone please find this stupid unicorn and make my daughter happy again.

Goals for 2016: Tell me what to do.

There's about two weeks left in the year, so it's time for me to begin deciding upon goals for 2016.

For the last four years, I have posted my goals on this blog and updated the progress of those goals monthly as a means of holding myself accountable. Oddly, these monthly updates have become some of my most popular posts, and the amount of email I receive about them is surprising. 

There is actually research that indicates that this process is detrimental to goal completion. Studies done since 1933 show that people who talk about their intentions are less likely to make them happen.

Announcing your plans to others satisfies your self-identity just enough that you're less motivated to do the hard work needed.

This may be true, but I am not one of these lunatics. I am not fooled into believing that announcing a goals gets me any closer to success.

Rather, I am obsessive and driven and suffer under an indescribable existential crisis. All of these things propel me forward. 

I also live in fear of appearing weak or ineffective or allowing someone to say "I told you so."

Announcing my goals only pushes me harder to completion.

Every year, as a part of the goal setting process, I ask readers to suggest goals for the coming year. In many ways, my readers are some of the best equipped people in the world to suggest goals for me. You read about my thoughts and feelings on a daily basis, and you know me better than some of my friends who I see a handful of times each year but never take the time to read this blog. 

Some of the goals that readers have suggested in the past have been some of the biggest difference makers in my life. 

If you're curious about the kind of goals that I typically set for myself, the goals from the previous six years are below:

Resolutions: 2010
Resolutions: 2011
Resolutions: 2012
Resolutions: 2013
Resolutions: 2014
Resolutions: 2015

I also write year-end review of my goals, which includes completion percentages for the previous years and an explanation of my successes and failures.

Last year's review can be found here. 

So fire away, dear reader. Tell me what foibles and flaws are in need of correction. Set me on a new course. Point me at a new horizon. 

But when suggesting goals, please try to think of goals that are measurable.

Last year a reader suggested that I try to be less of a jerk. While this goal was an admirable one, measuring my success on a monthly or yearly basis would be impossible. 

It was also kind of mean. 

Target Practice - Seasons: Winter 2015

My humor column in the 2015 winter edition of Seasons magazine features a moment that few students on the planet have ever been able to experience, at my expense. 

A whiskey ad, made by two amateur filmmakers, did this to me.

Every now and then I run into something that zeros in on my eternal flaw - my inner crack - and tears it wide open. This ad will hang on me like an old coat for weeks. Look closely and you may see tears in my eyes at any moment until sometime in 2016.

It's fine. Don't worry. Just an indescribable, overwhelming, ever-present existential crisis. 

This time that thing was a Johnnie Walker ad made by two film students.