Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 326
January 17, 2016
The "I told you so" calendar. Armed and ready for 2035. I can't recommend it highly enough.
For those of you who are unaware, I maintain an "I told you so" calendar as one of my many Google calendars. I can't recommend it more highly.
Let me explain.
It has long frustrated me that people are capable of making ridiculous claims about the future with little or no fear that those claims will ever come back to bite them. Make some nonsense assertion about the stock market over the next two years or predict the next President with absolute certainty, and typically, by the time these predicted moments actually arrive, the comment has been forgotten and the inaccuracy remains unacknowledged forever.
It places unfair and unearned power in the moment while not accounting for longterm results.
Politicians do this all the time. It's why so many of them suck. They make ridiculous prognostications and impossible promises, knowing full well that they will rarely be held accountable.
Not any more.
With the use of the "I told you so" calendar, ridiculous, baseless, mindless claims can be fact- checked when the moment arrives, and the perpetrators of this nonsense can finally feel the sting of being held accountable for their deception and stupidity. No longer will people spout off about the future with impunity. I am now armed and ready to call them to the carpet when when the time is right.
This may seem petty to you, but as a person who takes argumentation and debate seriously, there is nothing more frustrating than someone predicting an improbable and wholly unsupported future as an integral part of their argument without some form of future recourse.
I also think that the four best words in the English language are “I told you so.” People scoff at the assertion, but I have yet to hear four words that are better.
My "I told you so" calendar is littered with items:
Unlikely sports predictions made by irrational fans of opposing teamsAssertions related to parenting that I can't wait to prove wrongPolitical forecasts that will undoubtedly never happenJob-related predictions that are made with little foresight or perspectiveAnd when these things don't happen, I will be there, anxiously waiting to say, "I told you do."
My favorite item to come to fruition thus far was the assertion of three different friends that one or more of my children would end up sleeping in my bed for more than the occasional middle-of-the-night nightmare. These are with friends who had children in their bed for years - a practice I have always found inexplicable and inadvisable - but these friends assured me that regardless of my belief, it was also unavoidable.
On my daughter's third birthday, I called these three friends and informed them that my daughter had never spent the night sleeping in our bed.
When my son turned three, I called them again, informing them that my son had spent a total of two nights in our bed, both times as a result of illness.
"I told you so," I said, and it felt so good.
Last week I added an item to the "I told you so" calendar" for 2035, surpassing the entry about my father-in-law's prediction that the NFL will cease to exist by 2030. While sone of my students was stating her hypothesis about what type of person dreams more for her upcoming science fair project, she said that "little kids" probably dream more since "your life is practically over when you're 30."
I pushed back on the idea that life was essentially over at 30, but she held fast to this belief.
I'll be contacting this young lady in March of 2035 - on her 30th birthday - to inquire about the state of her life and to utter those four perfect words:
I told you so.
I can't wait.
January 16, 2016
BCE and CE
When writing the date, I've started adding the abbreviation CE after the year
CE stands for Common Era. It's the non-religious version of AD.
January 16, 2016 CE
01.16.2015 CE
16-Jan-2016 CE
I can't tell you how much fun this has been. It confuses people. Makes them a little crazy. Upsets the apple cart. Causes their two eyebrows to scrunch together as one.
It's often the little things that can be the most amusing.
January 15, 2016
Finalized New Year's resolutions for 2016 (including three new goals)
I posted my 2016 goals on January 1, but I always allow myself two weeks to make additions based upon the feedback from readers and friends as well as thoughts of my own.
As a result, I'm adding three items to this year's list. They are:
Launch a storytelling project that I will otherwise remain vague about here but will become a primary focus of 2016.
Details regarding this project will be announced when appropriate. Suffice it to say it will be one of my most exciting and challenging endeavors of 2016.
Collaborate with a former colleague on an educational book.
The book is already written but needs a revised direction. I also find it exceedingly productive to collaborate with people when the collaboration represents an enormous percentage of their creative output and a much smaller percentage of my own. This allows me to participate in the process creatively while benefiting from the enthusiasm and drive of my collaborator.
Do not speak negatively about another person's physical appearance except when done in jest with my closest friends.
When my friend tells me that I have T-Rex arms (which I do not), I can fire back with comments about his height. When a friend comments on my thinning hair line, I can point out his expanding waist line. These are comments made without malice.
But when I see someone I don't know or don't know well who appears out of the ordinary - oddly dressed, obese, or otherwise appearing out of the ordinary - I will refrain from saying anything negatively about the person to anyone at anytime - then or later. Simply put, my goal is to cease all negative comments related to appearance unless these comments are made in jest with friends.
Ideally, I would like to avoid these thoughts, too, and will try my best, but it's hard (and perhaps impossible) to not think something. But not saying something is within all of our capabilities.
I recently wrote about this goal for The Huffington Post.
Below is my complete set of goals for 2016.
______________________________
1. Don’t die.
Recommended by a friend years ago. Still valid today and deserving of the first spot on the list.
2. Lose 20 pounds.
Since my first weight goal in 2010, I have lost a total of 53 pounds. Another 20 is ambitious, but it would get me down to my high school weight, and I’m willing to try to make that happen.
3. Do at least 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups five days a week.
I’ve accomplished this goal for three years in a row, but it’s not exactly automatic, so it remains on the list.
4. Practice yoga at least three days a week.
This is a modification of last year's five times a week goal.
WRITING CAREER5. Complete my fifth novel before the end of February.
The due date is February 28, so I'd better have it finished by then!
6. Complete my sixth novel.
I have two novels that are more than halfway finished. One of these will likely become my sixth novel. I hope.
7. Write a middle grade novel.
An editor who passed on my picture books believes that I have the sensibility and humor to write a middle grade novel. I'm going to give it a shot.
8. Write at least three new picture books.
My first three picture books are finished and in the hands of my agent. I have ideas for many more and an excellent test audience of fifth graders. I plan to bring three of these ideas to fruition in 2016.
9. Complete a book proposal for a book on storytelling.
The book is outlined, and most of the proposal is written. I need to write two sample chapters to complete the proposal.
10. Write a new screenplay
This is a failed goal from 2015 that I plan to complete this year. I have a film agent who believes in my ability to write movies and is willing to read my screenplays, so it's stupid not to be writing them.
11. Write a musical for a summer camp
For the last two years, I have written musicals for a local summer camp with my composer and lyricist, Andy Mayo. One of those musicals is now being produced by a children's theater company and will go on tour in the spring.
In 2016, I plan to write another musical for the camp.
Andy wants us to write another adult musical as well. In 2012 we wrote and produced a rock opera called The Clowns at a local theater and have been trying to get it into festivals or other theaters ever since. I'm not ready to commit to that goal, though the story for that musical is firmly set in my mind.
12. Publish at least one Op-Ed in The New York Times.
I published two pieces in the Hartford Courant in 2015. I'd like to get my first piece into The New York Times in 2016. This goal violates my policy of setting goals that do not depend on the preferences of other people, but simply writing a piece for the Times is not enough of an accomplishment in this case. I need to get a piece published.
My real goal is to land another column in a magazine, newspaper, or online publication this year, but I’m keeping this goal more reasonable.
13. Publish an article in an educational journal.
My Superintendent and I plan to write a piece about educational leadership based on work that we have done. I intend on getting it published at a journal in 2016.
14. Submit one or more short stories to at least three publishing outlets.
A failed goal in 2015 that I am re-committing myself to again.
15. Select three behaviors that I am opposed to and adopt them for one week, then write about my experiences on the blog.
A failed goal in 2015 that I am re-committing myself to again.
16. Increase my author newsletter subscriber base to 1,000.
I just crossed over the 900 subscriber mark. Getting to 1,000 should not be difficult. The real goal is to begin to tailor my newsletter to reader preference so more people will want to read.
17. Collaborate with a former colleague on an educational book.
The book is already written but needs a revised direction. I also find it exceedingly productive to collaborate with people when the collaboration represents an enormous percentage of their creative output and a much smaller percentage of my own. This allows me to participate in the process creatively while benefiting from the enthusiasm and drive of my collaborator.
STORYTELLING18. Produce a total of 12 Speak Up storytelling events.
We produced eight shows in 2014 and 12 shows in 2015, so 12 shows in 2016 is a more than reasonable goal.
19. Deliver a TED Talk.
I’ve had some bad luck in terms of TED Talks over the past three years.
I did a TED Talk at the AT&T Conference Center in 2013 that went extremely well, but technical difficulties made the audio on the recording almost indiscernible. I hope to reproduce the talk at another TED event someday.
I did a TED Talk at Western Connecticut State University in 2013 that went flawlessly, but the college students who hosted the conference never posted the recording online.
I did a TED Talk in April of 2014 in Somerville, Massachusetts that also went well, but my 15 minute talk was accidentally put on a nine minute timer, which forced me to dump sections of my talk on the fly and speak faster than I would’ve liked. The talk was good, but it was not exactly what I had planned. I can see myself not fully engaging with the audience because of the need to mentally track time. There was room for improvement.
I did a TED Talk at Boston University in April of 2015. The recording started almost two minutes into my talk, and one of the cameras failed. The actual talk went well but the recording is useless. Again, I'd like to repeat this talk at some point for TED.
I did a TED Talk in November of 2015 in the Berkshires that went very well. The recordings is excellent. I inexplicably pronounce the word "better" as "batter" near the end, but otherwise, it's a solid talk. Perhaps my luck is finally turning around.
I hope to successfully pitch myself to at least one TED conference in 2016.
20. Attend at least 15 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.
I attended 27 Moth events in 2015, so this number is more than reasonable.
21. Win at least three Moth StorySLAMs.
I won one slam in 2011.
I won two slams in 2012.
I won seven slams in 2013.
I won five slams in 2014.
I won three slams in 2015.
Three may seem like an ambitious number for 2016, but since 2011, I've competed in 42 Moth StorySLAMs and won 20 (a 48% win rate). If I compete in at least 10 StorySLAMs in 2016, I should be able to win at least three.
Right? (he said hopefully)
22. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.
I won one GrandSLAM in 2014.
I won two GrandSLAMs in 2015.
Winning one in 2016 is not an unreasonable goal.
23. Launch at least one new podcast.
I have several podcast ideas, but the next one will be a podcast on writing and storytelling. Originally, the podcast was going to be called Author Outloud, but the name will likely change to something related to storytelling on the page and on the stage.
Elysha will be co-hosting this podcast.
24. Launch a storytelling project that I will otherwise remain vague about here but will become a primary focus of 2016.
Details regarding this project will be announced when appropriate. Suffice it to say it will be one of my most exciting and challenging endeavors of 2016.
NEW PROJECTS25. Host at least one Shakespeare Circle.
A failed goal in 2015 that I am re-committing myself to again.
I intend on hosting an evening of Shakespeare. Friends will join us around the table to read a Shakespearean play aloud, with each person assuming a different role. I already have a group of people who have agreed to attend.
26. Learn to cook three good meals for my wife.
A failed goal from 2015. The only meal that I am capable of cooking for Elysha at this time is macaroni and cheese and hot dogs, which is amazing but not very impressive. I want to be able to cook three meals for her that she loves by the end of the year.
27. Plan a 25 year reunion of the Heavy Metal Playhouse.
My friend, Bengi, and I lived in a home that became known as the Heavy Metal Playhouse from 1989-1993. It was four of the best years of my life. Enormous parties, the closest of friendships, and the wildness of youth left an indelible mark on me. While I stay in touch with many of my friends from those days, I have not seen many of them in a long time. We have attempted to plan a reunion in the past without success. This year I would like to make this happen.
MISCELLANEOUS28. Replace the 12 ancient, energy-inefficient windows in our home with new windows that will keep the cold out and actually open in the warmer months.
A failed goal from 2012 that I am reviving because these windows are making me crazy.
29. Optimize our television for a streaming service.
After failing to replace our rear projection television for almost 14 years, we have fallen seriously behind in terms of streaming content services. Our goal is to optimize our television viewing in 2016 by cutting the cord and installing a system that subscribes to the streaming services that best fit our needs while maintaining the content that we already enjoy.
In truth, we barely watch any television, so this shouldn't be hard.
30. Set a new personal best in golf.
My lowest score for nine holes is a 45, and my lowest score for 18 holes is 95. I’d like to improve on either score in 2015.
31. Play poker at least six times in 2016.
I love poker. I paid for our honeymoon with profits from poker. I made a mortgage payment in 2012 with poker profits. I am a good poker player who did not play at all in 2015 because of the time shifted to writing and storytelling. While I don't regret this shift, I miss poker a great deal and need to bring it back into my life. Six games is not an unreasonable goal.
32. Do not speak negatively about another person's physical appearance except when done in jest with my closest friends.
When my friend tells me that I have T-Rex arms (which I do not), I can fire back with comments about his height. When a friend comments on my thinning hair line, I can point out his expanding waist line. These are comments made without malice.
But when I see someone I don't know or don't know well who appears out of the ordinary - oddly dressed, obese, or otherwise appearing out of the ordinary - I will refrain from saying anything negatively about the person to anyone at anytime - then or later. Simply put, my goal is to cease all negative comments related to appearance unless these comments are made in jest with friends.
Ideally, I would like to avoid these thoughts, too, and will try my best, but it's hard (and perhaps impossible) to not think something. But not saying something is within all of our capabilities.
I recently wrote about this goal for The Huffington Post.
33. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month.
January 14, 2016
Rugged good looks. Beautiful wives. No java.
I used to think that Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and I only had our rugged good looks and coincidentally beautiful wives in common.
Not true.
According to Yahoo sports:
Don’t expect to see Tom Brady at his local coffee shop anytime soon.
The 38-year-old star quarterback for the New England Patriots told radio station WEEI’s “The Dennis and Callahan Show” in Boston that he has never drank coffee in his life. Never even tasted it.
”I never had any coffee or anything like that,” Brady said. “I just never tried it.”
Brady admitted to indulging in “burgers or ice cream” when asked about his food weaknesses.
— https://gma.yahoo.com/tom-brady-claim...
Not only are burgers and ice cream two of my favorite foods, but as you may know, I have also never tried coffee or anything like it.
Great minds think alike.
January 13, 2016
Cruelest joke of 2015 involved a beautiful new baby and Bill Cosby
One of the best ideas that I heard in all of 2015 was this:
When a friend of mine gave birth to her first child, one of her friends sent her a gift.
It was a book. This book:
Possibly one of the cruelest jokes ever.
I plan to spend 2016 desperately seeking opportunities to send other Bill Cosby titles to my friends and family. I was tempted to add it to my 2016 list of goals, but I decided that it was trite and ultimately unproductive.
But I'm still doing it.
Used copies, of course. Most of his books are out of print, and I wouldn't want to financially support Cosby.
January 12, 2016
Boy vs. Girl: Episode 10 - Three Mystery Topics
In honor of our tenth episode, Rachel and I discuss three topics suggested by our listeners, including the language of women's emails, the tragedy of the multiple orgasm, and my brilliant solution to the scourge of dessert sharing.
You can listen here or subscribe to our podcast in the iTunes store or wherever you get your podcasts.
Fruit Loop freak
My daughter ate Fruit Loops for the first time last week. One color at a time.
In other words, not like a normal person.
The strangest thing about the octopus.
There are many, many strange things about the octopus.
They have three hearts.They're the only invertebrates capable of using tools.They can open childproof pill bottles.But here is the strangest:
There are three plural forms of octopus:
octopuses, octopi, and octopodes
Currently, octopuses is the most common plural form in the US as well as the UK. Octopodes is rarely used but perfectly acceptable.Octopi is frequently used but considered incorrect by most grammarians.
January 11, 2016
8 things I have never done that you probably have (now with the much-requested rationales behind each)
Yesterday I posted about six (which expanded to seven and then eight) fairly ubiquitous things that I have never done that most people have.
I was asked to explain my rationale on these issues many times. I will do so here:
1. I have never purchased a lottery ticket.
This is simply a matter of playing the odds. I have a better chance of being elected President (fact) than winning Powerball. As a poker player, I only play hands that give me a realistic chance to win. The lottery does not provide realistic odds.
2. I have never taken a selfie.
I think the selfie is kind of stupid. I have never wanted a photograph of myself unless I required one for professional reason.
It's also important to note that I define a selfie as a photo of oneself. Add my children into a photo and I am no longer taking a selfie. I rarely take these photos either, but I have taken a few.
3. I have never used an emoji.
As a writer, I prefer words. There may come a day when I feel differently, but not today.
4. I have never yelled at my children in anger or frustration.
In the words of my good friend, as an elementary school teacher for more than 17 years, I have a well of patience. I don't yell at students in school. I don't yell at my children at home.
So far at least.
I'm also a naturally calm person. It takes a lot to upset me. A childhood of verbal confrontations with an evil stepfather taught me to remain calm and rationale whenever possible. I learned that the person who shouts is oftentimes the person who will lose the argument or at least most likely to appear foolish and unhinged.
In our dozen years together, my wife has seen me lose my temper once. It was the result of traffic on the interchange between I-684 and I-84. For a few moments, I lost my mind.
Rather than firing cannonballs when I am angry, I prefer to lurk beneath the surface of the water like a submarine, quiet and deadly, listening carefully and waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
For the record, I don't think Elysha has ever yelled at our children in anger, either.
5. I have never used an illegal drug.
There were many opportunities for me to experiment with illegal drugs throughout my life, but since I was 18 years-old, I have been on my own, operating without a safety net. I was poor, unemployed, homeless, the victim of violent crime, and arrested and tried for a crime I did not commit. For my entire adult life, I have felt like I was walking on a tightrope, in danger of falling off at any moment. I still feel this way today.
Whenever the pressure or desire to experiment with an illegal drug arose, I thought about how difficult my life already was, how precarious my position has always been, and how I couldn't afford any more trouble. Thus I was able to avoid experimenting with drugs even once.
6. I have never consumed even an ounce of coffee.
I have avoided coffee for several reasons:
I saw how miserable my parents could be before their first cup of coffee in the morning. I didn't want my mood to ever be dictated by the consumption of a drink. I suffered for years with teachers who had horrendous coffee breath. I never wanted my breath to smell even close to this horror show. I don't like hot drinks of any kind.I've always found the coffee making and drinking process complicated, time consuming, inexact, and oftentimes treated far too preciously for my taste. I have always embraced simplicity. Speed. Minimalism. Coffee is anything but these things.7. I've never activated cruise control in an automobile.
I've always felt that if you're going to drive the car, then drive the damn thing. Steering wheel and pedals and all. I've always viewed cruise control as a device specifically designed to reduce the driver's level of engagement, which has always struck me as both dangerous and lazy.
8. I've never smoked tobacco of any kind.
Smoking kills. It says it on the package. It also makes you smell and look terrible. I never found anything appealing about it. Avoiding it has been a no-brainer, despite the fact that more than half of all Americans have tried smoking at least once in their lifetimes.
January 10, 2016
Six things you have probably done that I have not. Intentionally.
I'm a person who has made it his life mission to say yes to as many things as possible.
I even did a TED Talk on the subject.
Despite my willingness to try many things, there are also some culturally ubiquitous things that I have intentionally avoided and feel no regrets. This does not mean that I will never engage in any of these things activities, but at this moment, I'd like to think I will continue avoiding them for the rest of my life.
I have never purchased a lottery ticket.I have never taken a selfie.I have never used an emoji.I have never yelled at my children in anger or frustration. I have never used an illegal drug. I have never consumed even an ounce of coffee.What's on your list?
