Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 328
December 31, 2015
Resolution update: 2015 in review
In an effort to hold myself accountable, I post the progress of my yearly goals at the end of each month on this blog. The following are the results through the end of 2015.
In 2015, I completed 19 of 32 goals for a success rate of 59%. While this is not great, it compares well to previous five year average of 51%.
My previous year success rates:
2010: 44%
2011: 62%
2012: 30%
2013: 60%
2014: 60%
I performed especially well in the areas of storytelling (seven out of seven goals completed) and personal health (three out of six completed, with solid progress on a fourth).
I also did well in the writing category (seven out of 14 goals completed), but this total should have been better had I phrased the goals more appropriately.
In 2016, I need to ensure that I set goals that do not rely on others for completion. Three of my writing goals in 2015 were dependent upon the sale of a book. Instead, they should have been rephrased as the completion of a book. My goals should reflect my effort and not the preferences or tardiness of book editors.
While I'm pleased with the overall success in 2015, there were some missed opportunities. My biggest disappointments were my failure to lose 20 pounds and my failure to write a new screenplay. Both of these were very doable in 2015.
There were also a few pathetic failures. Failing to learn three new recipes and failing to submit short stories to publishing outlets stand out as especially lame.
They aren't that difficult.
This was also the second consecutive year that I failed to schedule an evening of Shakespeare in my home, despite interest among many friends.
I also accomplished half a dozen goals that did not make my initial list but became important as the year progressed.
I wonder if I should add unexpected goals to my list mid-year when they become a focus of my time and energy. Probably not.
Here are my specific successes and failures from 2015:
PERSONAL HEALTH1. Don’t die.
Survived another year.
2. Lose 20 pounds.
Fail. I lost a total of six pounds in 2015.
3. Do at least 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups five days a week.
Done.
4. Stop drinking soda from two-liter bottles.
The only soda consumed from a two-liter bottle in 2015 came from a bottle brought to my house by a friend and a bottle brought to a picnic. As a result, my Diet Coke consumption plummeted to less than half of what I consumed in 2014.
This was an enormous success.
5. Practice yoga at least five days a week.
I began practicing yoga in 2015 (and even took a sunrise yoga class while teaching at Kripalu), but a combination of injuries set me back. For about two months, I was practicing every morning, but then a shoulder problem caused me to become inconsistent and stop altogether. I still have that shoulder and (and now) collarbone issue. Both will be looked at by a doctor during the first week of January.
This constitutes a failure in terms of the goal but significant progress in terms of yoga in general. I have gone from thinking it a silly waste of time to something I genuinely want to do.
6. Learn to cook three good meals for my wife.
A failed to accomplish this goal through no fault except my own.
WRITING CAREER7. Complete my sixth novel before February 28, 2015.
This was an adjustment of a goal. We sold the book to my editor, and I am on track to finish by my deadline. I consider this a success.
8. Complete my seventh novel.
Two separate books remain more than half finished. The desire to finish one or both may have been ambitious, but I think it could have happened had I centered my attention on this book and not spread it between books.
In the end, I wrote more than a novel's worth of pages, but I failed to accomplish the goal.
9. Sell one children’s book to a publisher.
Three picture books are in my agent's hands. I await word. In accordance with the specific description of my goal, this was a fail.
10. Sell a memoir to a publisher.
This book is in the hands of my editor. I await word. In accordance with the specific description of my goal, this was a fail.
11. Sell a book of essays to a publisher.
This book is in the hands of my editor. I await word. In accordance with the specific description of my goal, this was a fail.
12. Complete a book proposal for a book on storytelling.
I am two sample chapter away from completing this book. As a result, this is a fail.
13. Write a new screenplay.
The new screenplay is outlined, and a rough draft has begun, but it is not finished. This is a fail.
14. Write 50 pages of a new memoir about the years of 1991-1993.
Done! This book became the book of essays that my agent now has in her hands. As a result, this goal is complete.
15. Write a musical for a summer camp.
Done! I was lucky enough to see it performed onstage in July.
The musical that we wrote for last year's summer camp (Caught in the Middle) will be produced in 2016 at schools and other venues in the Hartford area.
16. Publish at least one Op-Ed in a physical newspaper.
My dream is to land a weekly column at a newspaper like the Hartford Courant before they disappear forever, but this is probably a hard gig to get.
17. Submit one or more short stories to at least three publishing outlets.
I submitted one of my short stories to a student magazine in Sao Paulo, Brazil, and it was accepted. As a result, this is a fail.
18. Select three behaviors that I am opposed to and adopt them for one week, then write about my experiences on the blog.
I adopted one behavior for a week (backing into parking spaces) and have yet to finish the piece about this experience. This is a fail.
19. Build an author mailing list.
Done.
20. Build a new website for matthewdicks.com
Done.
STORYTELLING21. Produce a total of eight Speak Up storytelling events.
Done! We produced a total of 12 shows in 2015.
22. Deliver my fourth TED Talk.
Done twice over.
The recording for TEDxBU was released in August. One of the cameras did not record my talk, and the other started recording about two minutes late. The recording is disappointing and useless.
I have the worst TED luck ever.
I also spoke at my fifth TED event in November at TEDxBerkshires. The video for this talk is posted online and came out well.
23. Build a website for Speak Up.
Done.
24. Attend at least 10 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.
Done! I attended three Moth StorySLAMs in December (Oberon in Boston, Housing Works in NYC, and The Bitter End in NYC). I told stories in two of the three shows. This brings my total number of Moth events attended in 2015 to 27.
25. Win at least two Moth StorySLAMs.
Done twice over! My total number of wins in 2015 was four.
I won a StorySLAM at Housing Works in December.
I won a StorySLAM at The Bitter End in October.
I won a StorySLAM at The Bell House in Brooklyn in August.
I won a StorySLAM at Oberon in Cambridge back in April.
I also placed second six times, which will drive a man crazy.
26. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.
Done twice over!
I won the New York GrandSLAM at the Music Hall of Williamsburg in April and June.
I also had three second place finishes.
27. Launch at least one podcast.
Done! Boy Vs. Girl is eight episodes in and going strong.
NEW PROJECTS28. Pitch at least three new projects to two smart people.
Done! Sadly, nothing has come from any of my pitches.
29. Host at least one Shakespeare Circle.
Fail.
MISCELLANEOUS30. Enroll in the final class needed for certification as a high school English teacher.
I stopped seeking this goal in April once I decided that I would not want to teach at the high school level. It is a purposeful fail.
31. Set a new personal best in golf.
I tied my personal best but failed to beat it.
32. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month
Done.
December 30, 2015
A goal for 2016: An agreement that these parents are awful, disgusting, rotten people
Can we all agree that parents who actively oppose their child's interracial, inter-religious, or same sex marriage are awful people?
They are still mothers and father, perhaps still worthy of love and respect, and possibly possessing many admirable and endearing qualities, but they are also awful, disgusting, rotten people.
We can all agree to this. Right?
Because if enough of us agree and make our position loud and clear, perhaps these parents will at least be shamed into keeping their awfulness to themselves and stop making their children's lives so difficult.
A goal for 2016: An agreement that these parents are awful, disgusting, rotten people
Can we all agree that parents who actively oppose their child's interracial, inter-religious, or same sex marriage are awful people?
They are still mothers and father, perhaps still worthy of love and respect, and possibly possessing many admirable and endearing qualities, but they are also awful, disgusting, rotten people.
We can all agree to this. Right?
Because if enough of us agree and make our position loud and clear, perhaps these parents will at least be shamed into keeping their awfulness to themselves and stop making their children's lives so difficult.
December 29, 2015
The big sleep is killing me.
When we put our son, Charlie, to bed each night, he complains about having to go to sleep. He refers to it as a "big sleep."
"Mommy, it's going to be a big sleep."
"Daddy, I don't like a big sleep."
We explain to him that a big sleep is important to being healthy and growing up to be a big boy, but damn it, why does he have to phrase his sleep every night in such terrifying existential terms?
Doesn't he know how much his father already suffers from an ever-present, unbelievably potent existential crisis? Doesn't he know how often the fear of death stabs an icy stake in my heart?
The last thing I want to be thinking about as I put my son to bed each night is the real big sleep... the one that will someday obliterate my world.
Thanks, buddy, for hurting me where it hurts most.
December 28, 2015
My daughter was annoyed with Mrs. Claus - and let her have it.
I took my daughter on the Essex Steam Train's North Pole Express last night.
For those of you unfamiliar, The Essex Steam Train is a 100 year-old functioning steam train and museum run out of Essex, Connecticut. During the year, you can take a ride the train, celebrate your birthday or your wedding on the train, take the special Thomas the Tank Engine tour, and even take the train to their steamboat, where you can cruise the Connecticut River on their old fashioned steam boat.
There are dozens of special rides and events produced all year long, but their most popular option is the North Pole Express, a ride upriver to the North Pole, where Santa, Mrs. Claus, and their elves board the train. Santa hands each child a toy, the elves deliver cookies and hot chocolate, and Mrs. Claus stops by for photos and chit-chat. The train car is decked out in festive lights and garland, and the ride is hosted by an uproarious elf who leads the train car in song, games, and more.
For a child who believes in Santa Claus (as mine do), it is an amazing ride. And the thousands of tickets to these rides - which run from Thanksgiving through December 29 - sell out almost instantly.
We were supposed to take the ride last week, but the stomach bug hit my daughter hard, forcing us to sell our tickets and reschedule our ride for yesterday,
As fate would have it, the stomach bug then hit my son even harder, providing both him and his parents one of the worst nights of our lives. Unable to reschedule our ride again, we sold Elysha and Charlie's tickets (easily), and with heavy hearts, Clara and I went for the ride on our own.
The ride was spectacular as always. The train car was filled with music and laughter. Children peered into the night with the hope of catching a view of Santa in his sleigh. After about 30 minutes, we arrived at the North Pole, a beautifully decorated location along the track (the steamboat port) where we stopped to allow Santa and his crew to board the train.
All was well until the elves arrived with the cookies. Clara is allergic to peanuts, so before I could even ask, she had grabbed an elf and inquired about the peanut status of the cookie. The elf informed Clara that although the cookie contained no peanuts, it was made in a factory that produced peanut products.
As a result, no cookie for Clara. She was disappointed to say the least. And yes, it was just one cookie, but watching a train filled with children eat cookies baked by Mrs. Claus and handed out by elves while you had none wasn't easy.
The best part came when Mrs. Claus boarded the train for photos. When she reached us, Clara leaned in close and said, "Why aren't your cookies made peanut safe for kids like me?"
Mrs. Claus was a bit flustered but recovered quickly saying, "I'm sorry. I just can't guarantee that they weren't made in a peanut-free environment."
Clara's response: "Why not?"
When Mrs. Claus didn't respond, Clara added, "You should fix this for next year. And what's an environment?"
Mrs. Claus did not answer Clara's question. She smiled and moved on. She probably didn't answer the question because there is no good answer. While I don't think that businesses are required to cater to my daughter's allergy or any food allergy, an attraction like the Polar Express, designed specifically for children, should probably seek to be peanut-free given the surprising prevalence of this allergy.
Right?
There are plenty of peanut-free cookies on the market, and they don't cost any more than the cookies produced with or alongside peanuts. Why not try to mitigate a food allergy that has become sadly and inexplicably common in today's world?
I explained to Clara what an environment is, and I promised to write a letter to the Essex Steam Train asking them to consider providing peanut-safe cookies next year.
She thought this was a great idea.
I also promised to bring cookies of our own next year in case they decided to ignore my letter.
Another winning proposal in Clara's estimation.
And on the way home, I bought her a donut at Dunkin' Donuts - a business that can ensure that their products are peanut free and have therefore earned my business.
Though she was still annoyed about the cookie, she felt that a chocolate glazed donut was an acceptable substitute for the sugar cookies that the elves were handing out on the train.
December 27, 2015
The Moth: Death by Bee Sting
The following is a story that I told at a Moth GrandSLAM at the Somerville Theatre in Somerville, MA in March of 2015.Housing Works in New York City last summer.
The theme of the night was Once in a Blue Moon. I told a story about a bee sting that changed my life.
I finished in second place.
December 26, 2015
My 2015 Christmas haul
Every Christmas, I take inventory of the holiday gifts that my wife gives me.
Some people wish for cashmere sweaters, brand new video game systems, stylish watches, and jewelry. My hope is often for the least pretentious, most unexpected, quirkiest little gift possible, and she never fails to deliver.
For the past six years, I’ve been documenting the gifts that Elysha gives me on Christmas because they are so damn good. Every year has been just as good as the last, if not better.
The
2009 Christmas haul featured a signed edition of a Kurt Vonnegut novel.
The 2010 Christmas haul featured a key that I still use today.
The 2011 Christmas haul featured my often-used Mr. T in a Pocket.
The 2012 Christmas haul featured my fabulous No button.
The 2013 Christmas hail featured my remote controlled helicopter.
The 2014 Christmas haul featured my "I Told You So" pad.
My wife did not disappoint this year!
My favorite of all my gift are the schadenfreude mints: "As delicious as other people's misery."
And if you're not familiar with the word schadenfreude (one of my favorite words), the definition is on the back of the mints.
I'm also a big fan of the Get Off The Phone Excuse Machine, which makes six sounds useful for convincing someone that a phone call must end. Sounds include phone static, a doorbell, a siren, and a knock on a door followed by someone shouting that the Chinese food has arrived.
Equally impressive is this cardboard version of the French knight in the film Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which includes three of his most famous insults.
And for all you overly precious, artisinal lunatics, you'll be pleased to know that this was handmade by an artisan who sells her wares on Etsy
Rounding out the haul is a Superman Lego keychain and a Shakespeare insult generator. These generators exist online in many forms, but I've never seen a real world version before.
I shall use it often.
Awful Jeb Bush asks supporters for $25 in exchange for leaving them the hell alone. Seriously.
Ashley Feinberg at Gawker received received an unusual email from the Bush campaign last week.
In exchange for $25, Bush promised to stop sending email to supporters on his mailing list for two weeks. In the email, Bush refers to this extortion attempt as a "deal," an "early Christmas present," and a way to "opt-out."
It's kind of unbelievable. Unthinkable.
This is a ridiculous and horrible way to add funds to the campaign coffers (and another signal that we are in desperate need of campaign finance reform), but then again, if it works for a Bush, then why not for me?
So if you'd like me to ignore you for a month - no newsletters, books, blog posts, tweets, Instagram photos, or podcasts - send me some cash. I'll cut you right out. Ensure that nothing that I produce ends up in your inbox or social media feed.
And unlike Jeb Bush, I won't even identify a required dollar amount. Give whatever you think is right. Whatever you can afford. I'm not discriminating.
Give more than $25 if you'd like. Please.
And if you know me personally, hand me some cash and I won't speak to you for a month. I won't even look in your direction. I promise!
And unlike Jeb Bush, who will use this money to compete for the top spot in a political party that currently favors the likes of Donald Trump and Ben Carson, I'll put the money to some good use. I'll pay bills. Take my wife to dinner. Invest in my children's education.
So let me know. We can use Venmo. Simple and fast.
December 25, 2015
How to be uninteresting with fruits and vegetables
Did you know that watermelon is considered a fruit but also a vegetable since it belongs to the gourd family?
Did you also know that people who insist on proliferating this type of fruit/vegetable classification information are probably some of the most boring people on the planet?
This is the best thing you have to talk about?
Fruit and vegetable taxonomy?
Of all the things you could've said, you chose this?
And yes, we also know that a tomato is actually a fruit. You and your uninteresting, pedantic, soulless brethren have already made this abundantly clear.
We just don't give a damn.
December 24, 2015
Jigsaw puzzles are a terrible, rotten, no good, very bad gift.
In this holiday season, please remember this one important fact when choosing a gift for a friend or loved one:
Giving your loved one the gift of a jigsaw puzzle is like giving that person a purposeless, meaningless chore best suited for someone who idolizes Sisyphus.
Jigsaw puzzles are ridiculous. Take an oftentimes lovely picture, break it into hundreds of pieces, and expect your loved one to re-assemble it into something less lovely than the original.
What a jerky thing to do.
And once it's complete?
Stare at it for a few moments (even though the image is already on the box), break it into hundreds of pieces again, and put it away until the next time your loved one is hell bent on accomplishing nothing.
It's a terrible gift.
Why not just tear a sheet of paper into a hundred pieces and ask your loved one to re-assemble it? Or break a plate? Or invite your loved one to twiddle his or her thumbs for an hour or two?
These pursuits seem just as entertaining to me as assembling a jigsaw puzzle.
Granted, my opinion may be slightly clouded by the fact that I have great difficulty assembling jigsaw puzzles, but I suspect that I would hate them regardless of my prowess.
Putting stuff that someone has purposely broken back together has never struck me as terribly amusing.
