Afton Rorvik's Blog, page 12

In a Cabin in the Woods

I always thought I wanted one day to live in a little cabin, tucked away in the woods.

Peaceful. Remote. Beautiful.

So I fulfilled that dream for a few days just last week. John and I rented a two-bedroom cabin high in the hills above Evergreen, Colorado. Getting there meant traversing a rutted, steep dirt road. So thankful we had a jeep!

Inside, the cabin did not disappoint. Modern appliances. Running water. Flushing toilet. Cozy rooms. Comfortable sofas.

After the harrowing ride up the mountain the first afternoon, I felt elated at the prospect of big gulps of peace and solitude.

I requested a quiet day the next day. “Let’s just sit and read for a day.” John acquiesced.

So the next morning I pulled out my Kindle. He perused the bookshelves in the cabin. I settled into a comfortable chair. He plopped on the sofa.

Occasionally we read bit to each other from our books or stopped for a snack. Except for these word-filled interludes, all other words spoke only from a page or a Kindle screen.

Ah!

My introverted self recharged. Almost like plugging my phone into an electrical socket. My recharge-meter slowly crept toward 100 percent.

But then something unexpected happened.

By that evening, I became restless. Ironically, my out-going, city-loving husband lay contentedly on the sofa and continued to read.

What had happened to me?

John and I always laugh about how similar we are to the couple in the old TV show, Green Acres. Remember it?

Eva Gabor, a confirmed city-girl comes to live on the farm with Eddie Albert, a confirmed country boy and her new husband.

In the intro to the show every week, Ed sings (while in a three piece suit doing farm chores), “Farm living is the life for me. Land spreading out so far and wide. Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside.”

Eva crones in response, “New York is where I’d rather stay. I get allergic smelling hay. I just adore a penthouse view. Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue.”

You can watch the intro here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mbk81X6WHA4

Countless times I’ve teased John about his common bond with Eva Gabor. He loves Manhattan! And I have insisted that I, like Ed, prefer the rural life. Or the wooded, secluded life.

So . . . what happened to make me restless in the woods? Have I morphed into Eva Gabor? Has John morphed into Eddie Albert?

Simply put, I’ve changed.

I have tasted the deep joy of friendship, of living near people, of sharing life together in hard times and not-so-hard time. Storm-sister living.

God has opened my eyes to his good plan of connected living and shown me the richness of living this way.

Isolation no longer holds the appeal for me that it once did. I now crave the laughter around my brother’s dining room table as his family at all ages and stages gathers. I now savor the conversations with our son and his girlfriend at the end of their long work days. I cherish the moments with my friend, Roberta, as we remember together and clean her mother’s house.

People.

So, goodbye rural, isolated life. Hello populated, connected life. Time, I think to embrace my inner Eva Gabor, with an occasional nod to my inner Eddie Albert, of course.

What about you? How would you describe your dream place? How do people play a role in your dream?

I’ll be posting some Colorado photos on my author Facebook page this week if you want to see ‘em: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Aftonrorvik/675391955878827?ref=hl

Messy, Crazy Grief

For many of you, today will involve visiting a grave. Others of you may not visit a grave but your mind will wander back to memories of a loved one now gone from this earth.

As I’ve talked with some of you who have recently lost a loved one, I hear the ache in your voice. You talk of the unpredictability of grief. You talk of a day that seems normal suddenly getting sidelined when a sad memory takes you captive. You talk of walking through the day in a fog. You talk of wild dreams.

Oh, my friends, I remember.

After Mom died, I often found myself sidelined by a song on the radio, a song at church, a glance at one of her favorite books. My legs felt heavy. My aching heart seemed to make my whole body heavy. And then at night I had these crazy dreams, usually involving roller coasters and trying to keep Mom from falling off one. I woke from them certain that she actually still lived and that I had merely dreamed her death.

I often lay in bed after waking from such dreams and just tried to sort out reality. I lived in Illinois. Mom no longer lived in Colorado. She had a heavenly home. She had indeed died.

So, my grieving friends, my heart aches with you.

May I encourage you that this messy, crazy journey of grief will not always linger in every corner of your mind and heart? And may I also encourage you to take the journey? Take the time to feel what you feel, cry if you need to, talk to friends and family if that helps, journal. . . .

Might seem that avoiding grief could ease your pain most. Just stay busy with tasks and people. But everything I’ve read and lived through tells a different story. The best way through grief is just that—through it.

Know that I’m cheering you on. And know that in time you will emerge from the fog of grief. Your heart will feel stronger. Your eyes will see other’s pain more easily. Your feet will take you more often to the side of others in sorrow.

Let me leave you with some words that have given me countless moments of hope in my grief. And let me also leave with you some resources related to grief:

He has broken my teeth with gravel; he has trampled me in the dust.

I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is.

So I say, “My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the Lord.”

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; 
great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

Lamentations 3:16-24, NIV

Helpful Resources:

http://www.griefshare.org/dailyemails

GriefShare offers lots of helpful resources, including a daily email with s encouragement and some questions to consider during your the grief process.

https://www.stephenministries.org/griefresources/default.cfm/774

This set of four booklets, written by a man who lost his wife to ovarian cancer, helped my mother-in-law immensely. They came to her at different time intervals after Poppo’s death and contained words of comfort meant specifically for that particular period in her journey. You can order these books for friends.

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/03/in-grief-try-personal-rituals/284397/

This article talks about the power of personal rituals in the grief process.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/death-and-dying_b_4329830.html

This article can help us all think more about how we help others in their times of grief.

Thank you, Dear Readers, for joining me on this messy, crazy journey of living connected. 

When Abuse Comes Home

The other day, over coffee in my kitchen, my friend told me about Project Unbreakable. She has spent much of her life helping victims of sexual assault and domestic violence.

Project Unbreakable is a photography project started in October of 2011 by then 19-year-old Grace Brown. It seeks to give a voice to survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence, and child abuse, featuring photographs of survivors holding posters with quotes from their abusers.

You can read and see more here: http://project-unbreakable.org

Powerful images.

Perhaps you heard my April Midday Connection interview and the woman who called in about being a victim of domestic violence. She spoke of how her friends supported her even as she spent a night in jail.

You can hear the podcast here: http://ow.ly/N3iN4

I think often of this woman and feel so relieved that she did not try to hide her pain and suffering from friends.  What courage she had. And what courage her friends had to hear this hard stuff and stick around to help.

STORM SISTERS!

So what, exactly, is domestic abuse?

In their book, Is It My Fault?: Hope and Healing for Those Suffering Domestic Violence, authors Lindsey and Justin Holcomb define domestic abuse as “a pattern of coercive or controlling behavior used by one individual to gain or maintain power and control over another individual in the context of an intimate relationship. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, exploit, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound an intimate partner.”

In a recent article (May 26, 2014) in Leadership Journal, Justin Holcomb writes, “One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Nearly three out of four of Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence.”

Wow.

Justin goes on to list 11 practical tips for ministering to those suffering domestic violence. I’ve listed the first two here:

1. Let her know the abuse was not her fault. Communicate clearly: “You do not deserve abuse. And it is never your fault.”

2. Listen. Don’t judge or blame them for the abuse. Research has proven that victims tend to have an easier adjustment when they are believed and listened to by others.

Read the rest of this article here: http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/2014/may-online-only/its-not-your-fault.html

I love that churches have begun to see and help in this area.

And I love that I found this in the bathroom stall at my church:

So, Dear Readers, let’s be Storm Sisters in this area. Let us not fear to talk about this issue and let us not fear to listen to others talk about it. Let us not fear to help.

An Imperfect Mother’s ABC’s

Four Ingenious Friends

Enjoy this short, animated version of one of my favorite friend stories:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LqHYkGU4Zg

You can read the actual story here:

http://ow.ly/Mma0l

Remembering Mom

Every year at this time, I think of Mom and her birthday on April 28. I do wish I could take her breakfast in bed.  And I wish I could hear her voice, see her broad smile.

Instead, I sit at my desk and look at the china mug she brought me from Oxford, and the painting on my office wall of an older woman teaching a younger woman to knit—something I gave her years ago, perhaps for her birthday. And I finger gently one book—a book sitting permanently on the filing cabinet in my office.

This book, worn and tattered, belonged to my great-grandmother. My mom called her Gam. Because Gam died during Mom’s college years, I only know Gam through Mom’s stories about her and this book I have. Mom told me that Gam loved to encourage people, loved to cook, and loved to go to church (often taking her grand-daughter with her).

I often “stole” Gam’s book from Mom on trips home during college and beyond. Especially when I felt disconnected from God and confused about life.

Why?

Because generations ago a wise, kind woman read this book, cherished this book, and depended on this book to see her through hard and sad times.

So, today I reach for Gam’s book, her Bible, written in the King’s English.

As I open the pages, little tidbits of weathered paper flutter to the floor, bits of poetry and devotional sayings she had clipped from church bulletins and newspapers and used as bookmarks in her Bible. A pressed flower stills sits  peacefully between Jeremiah 29 and Jeremiah 30. All of it beckons me to linger, to read, to remember.

“My life is but a weaving

  Between my Lord and me.

At times He weaveth sorrow,

  And I in foolish pride

Forget He sees the upper

  And I the under side.”  

————————–

“I know a peace

Where there is no peace,

A calm where the wild winds blow,

A secret place

Where face to face

With the Master I may go.”

—————————————-

“The grave itself is but a covered bridge.

Leading from light to light through a brief darkness.” April 2, 1953  

Oh, the comfort of those words. Especially on this day.

And then I land on some particular, perspective-setting words in Psalm 90:1-2, bookmarked in Gam’s Bible by more yellowed clippings. I leave you with these words. May they bring you comfort today as they did me.

“LORD, thou hast been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever thou hadst formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, thou art God.“

Hurricane Hunk?

Guest blog by John Rorvik

Well, I’d like to think of myself as Jack Bauer, the government agent in the TV show 24 who uses his mind, muscles and mastery of technology to simultaneously handle terrorist threats and crises in his personal life. But if I’m honest with myself, I’m no hunk, and anyone who knows me would agree. I think Cyclone Clod is a more accurate description. But I can’t argue with the hurricane part. Storms have entered my life like everyone else. And on that point, I have seen again and again the great benefit of close friendships with men to help guide me through the tempests of life.

I count among my many blessings the men who were placed in my path who have encouraged, challenged, and inspired me. They also will hold me accountable. These relationships started out the way most do among guys, with a discussion over common interests. Most often it is about sports, which I have heard referred to as “the language of guys”. From there it goes on to talks about car repairs, home repair projects, or how to find the best deal on some new gadget.

Like most men, I have a lot of these casual conversations. But at times I have sensed it was safe to become more self- revelatory with a guy and to talk about a feeling or a struggle. It’s not always easy to go there. Yet I have found that if I move forward wisely with select men, that transparency opens a door that I have never once regretted unlocking. I get insight and a new perspective from someone who knows me, is often dealing with something very similar, and perhaps has advanced further down the path toward peace and resolution.

Each of these friendships has taken a different form, but all have progressed past the surface to something deeper. For me, the church has been the best place to find these friendships, as it is there I find men who are looking for deeper answers than the world offers. Finding each one was ultimately an act of God’s grace, but there are things I needed to do to allow that grace into my life. More than anything, it meant being intentional. I try to maintain three habits, though I actually follow each one quite imperfectly:

If the friend is local, I set up a regular time to meet. It’s one thing to say “We should get together sometime”. When I say that, I mean it and want to do it. But then a natural inertia sets in and nothing happens. I have learned it is better to say something like “Let’s meet the 2nd Saturday of each month for breakfast”. Who knows if I can keep that appointment every time? But if I can’t, it becomes something I then more naturally reschedule.


If the friend is long distance, I invest a little time and money now and again, say once a year, to travel to him or invite him to come to me. I treat it like a retreat with a friend. We do a lot of guy stuff, usually involving watching sports, but there’s also plenty of time to invest in each other’s lives.


I use technology a lot to nudge my buddies. If I find myself standing in a line, I will send a quick text to one of my guys. I also send out a whole bunch of two-sentence emails. It might be an encouraging word or a verse or an excerpt of an article or sermon that might help them. More often, I have nothing at all important to say. Really what I am doing is letting me know that they are important enough to me that they just came to my mind.

To any Hurricane Hunks or Cyclone Clods reading this, I encourage you to spend time to both create and deepen friendships with other men. You’ll find these friendships make you a better husband, dad, and most importantly, follower of Christ.

Join the Conversation

Today I’ll be using my out-loud words to talk about Storm Sister living on an hour-long radio show.

Join me! And invite your Storm Sisters to listen too.

Midday Connection airs at noon my time (CST). You can listen here live: http://ow.ly/LsdHT or you can listen here to the podcast later.

You can also be part of the conversation by calling 877-548-3675, or you can comment via Facebook: http://ow.ly/LppTn.

Thank you, Dear Readers, for cheering me on. Grateful!

Let’s Talk about the D Word

Depression.

Great opening line, don’t you think? Pulls you right in. Makes you want to keep reading.

No?

In the last week alone, I’ve talked with three different women about this topic. And I must say that I LOVE talking about it.

Weird, right?!

Honestly, I would be so happy if talking about depression became as much of my vocabulary as talking about the weather. Truthfully.

I would love to help loosen the power this scary word has over us. We seem to fear the word almost as much as we fear the illness it describes.

Why?

Depression carries so many layers of implied meaning.

When you hear the word, what comes to your mind?

Someone groaning and hanging her head, afraid to make eye contact? Someone who sits at home on the sofa all day and watches TV? Someone without the gumption to pull herself up by her bootstraps?

Ever heard this definition of depression? “Depression is a serious medical illness that involves the brain” (from MentalHealth.gov).

Notice the word illness in that definition.

So, if depression classifies as an illness, like cancer or diabetes or lymphoma, why do we fear talking about it? We talk about other illnesses, awkwardly sometimes, but we do talk.

I want to use this April Friendship Checkup as a challenge to us all to learn more about depression and learn to talk about it with each other. Let’s work together to take away some of the negative spin associated with the word.

Let me leave you with a couple of resources and a challenge.

First, a clearer definition of depression from MentalHealth.gov:

Depression is more than just a feeling of being “down in the dumps” or “blue” for a few days. If you are one of the more than 20 million people in the United States who have depression, the feelings do not go away. They persist and interfere with your everyday life.

Symptoms can include

Sadness
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
Change in weight
Difficulty sleeping or oversleeping
Energy loss
Feelings of worthlessness
Thoughts of death or suicide

Depression is a disorder of the brain. There are a variety of causes, including genetic, environmental, psychological, and biochemical factors.

Second, NAMI  (National Alliance on Mental Illness) of DuPage County provides an anonymous, online screening that could help you find out in just a few minutes if you struggle with depression and could benefit from professional consultation. http://screening.mentalhealthscreening.org/NAMI

The website also contains tons of resources, including this great video about helping a friend you think might struggle with depression: http://screening.mentalhealthscreening.org/NAMI/resources/article/depression/psychotherapy-friends-helping-friends-episode-3

Third, for those of us who love God and seek to live for him, I urge you to read this book, which I just started: Looking up from the Stubborn Darkness by Edward T. Welch. Also, check out this article titled, “It Can’t Be Depression … I’m a Christian” by Mark Mounts: https://www.gci.org/CO/depression

Don’t you wonder what might have happened or not happened if the pilot of Germanwings Flight 9525 had talked honestly with friends and family members about his depression?

So, the challenge for this month: Find a way to use the word depression in a non-threatening conversation in the next few weeks.

April Friendship Checkup

Depression.

Great opening line, don’t you think? Pulls you right in. Makes you want to keep reading.

No?

In the last week alone, I’ve talked with three different women about this topic. And I must say that I LOVE talking about it.

Weird, right?!

Honestly, I would be so happy if talking about depression became as much of my vocabulary as talking about the weather. Truthfully.

I would love to help loosen the power this scary word has over us. We seem to fear the word almost as much as we fear the illness it describes.

Why?

Depression carries so many layers of implied meaning.

When you hear the word, what comes to your mind?

Someone groaning and hanging her head, afraid to make eye contact? Someone who sits at home on the sofa all day and watches TV? Someone without the gumption to pull herself up by her bootstraps?

Ever heard this definition of depression? “Depression is a serious medical illness that involves the brain” (from MentalHealth.gov).

Notice the word illness in that definition.

So, if depression classifies as an illness, like cancer or diabetes or lymphoma, why do we fear talking about it? We talk about other illnesses, awkwardly sometimes, but we do talk.

I want to use this April Friendship Checkup as a challenge to us all to learn more about depression and learn to talk about it with each other. Let’s work together to take away some of the negative spin associated with the word.

Let me leave you with a couple of resources and a challenge.

First, a clearer definition of depression from MentalHealth.gov:

Depression is more than just a feeling of being “down in the dumps” or “blue” for a few days. If you are one of the more than 20 million people in the United States who have depression, the feelings do not go away. They persist and interfere with your everyday life.

Symptoms can include

Sadness
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
Change in weight
Difficulty sleeping or oversleeping
Energy loss
Feelings of worthlessness
Thoughts of death or suicide

Depression is a disorder of the brain. There are a variety of causes, including genetic, environmental, psychological, and biochemical factors.

Second, NAMI  (National Alliance on Mental Illness) of DuPage County provides an anonymous, online screening that could help you find out in just a few minutes if you struggle with depression and could benefit from professional consultation. http://screening.mentalhealthscreening.org/NAMI

The website also contains tons of resources, including this great video about helping a friend you think might struggle with depression: http://screening.mentalhealthscreening.org/NAMI/resources/article/depression/psychotherapy-friends-helping-friends-episode-3

Third, for those of us who love God and seek to live for him, I urge you to read this book, which I just started: Looking up from the Stubborn Darkness by Edward T. Welch. Also, check out this article titled, “It Can’t Be Depression … I’m a Christian” by Mark Mounts: https://www.gci.org/CO/depression

Don’t you wonder what might have happened or not happened if the pilot of Germanwings Flight 9525 had talked honestly with friends and family members about his depression?

So, the challenge for this month: Find a way to use the word depression in a non-threatening conversation in the next few weeks.